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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S03E03 - Friday The 14th

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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one always driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la-la
00:41Oi!
00:46What's your name?
00:48Oh!
00:50Slow me!
00:51Here we are
00:53Oh!
00:56Guess where we're going at a weekend
00:59Give us a clue
01:01You alright, Rodney?
01:02If you insist
01:03There you are
01:04Ow, you dirty pig!
01:07Get it away!
01:08How's that rice going down?
01:09Alright
01:09Get out!
01:10Where are we going then, Del?
01:14We're going skiing
01:15Where do you think we're going, you silly old
01:17We're going fishing, aren't we?
01:18Well, I know that
01:19I mean, where?
01:21Oh, see what you mean
01:21We're going to a place called Trip Gower
01:23What is that?
01:24It's a cornwall
01:24A cornwall?
01:26Why are we going all the way down there?
01:28Because that's where Boyce's weekend cottage is
01:30I had dinner with him last night
01:31At Mario's
01:31And he happened to mention
01:32He'd got his weekend cottage
01:33And it was free
01:34And so
01:34Bob's your uncle
01:35How much rents are you charging you?
01:37Nothing
01:37He's letting us have it for free?
01:40Yeah
01:40All for gratis
01:41Oh, now, come on, Del
01:42There's got to be something behind this
01:43Because Boycey would scalp you
01:45If Dandruff had a going right
01:46You're becoming so cynical, Rodney
01:51He's just doing a mate a favour, isn't he, eh?
01:53Yeah
01:53Wait a minute, you met him in Mario's?
01:56Yeah, that's right, yeah
01:56Great day, come on, look
01:57Clear up all this fishing gear, will you?
02:00Because I want to pop out
02:00Mario's is a fish restaurant
02:03Is it? Yeah, see you later
02:04Bit of a coincidence, Del, isn't it?
02:06You meeting him in a fish restaurant
02:08Then the next thing we're all going fishing
02:09He's like Elliot Bleeding Ness at times, isn't he, eh?
02:15All right, Rodney
02:16I was going to tell you when we got down here
02:18You know, as a sort of surprise, like, you know
02:19Oh, yeah
02:19Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah
02:21Well, this is a cottage
02:23It happens to be near one of the finest salmon fishing streams in England
02:26Now, Mario has agreed to pay us £10 for every fish that we bring back
02:31Now, Boyce and I are going to halve it
02:33That's a fiver each
02:34So let's say that we do, what, 60 fish
02:37That'll be 300 sovs in our pocket
02:39Now, we split it three ways
02:41That means that you and Grandad get £50 each
02:44Now, weekends fishing and free digs
02:47Now, what do you reckon to that?
02:49I reckon it's illegal
02:50You hurt me sometimes, Rodney
02:53You really do
02:53You don't even let me finish before you go
02:55Jump into your nasty little delusions
02:57It's lucky you ain't a judge, Rodney
02:59You dang them before they finish the oath
03:01All right, I'm sorry
03:03I just thought...
03:05I know exactly what you thought
03:06So, have we got permission, have we?
03:11Well, we will have
03:12We see the gamekeeper when we get down there
03:14And we pay him £25
03:16What, and he gives us a fishing permit?
03:18No, he shows us old in a fence
03:20I knew it
03:21It's called business
03:23It's called stealing
03:25No, it ain't, Rodney
03:26Listen to your Grandad
03:27It's called poaching
03:28And what do we know about that, eh?
03:34Del, he can't even poach an egg
03:35Well, it'll be a doddle
03:39This stream's jam-packed with salmon
03:42We just put our hooks in and whip them out
03:43Del, it is illegal
03:44It is immoral
03:45It is unethical
03:46All right
03:48Me and Grandad will go on our own
03:50And split the profits between us
03:52Now, I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I?
04:01I'm poaching
04:02Boo-boo-boo-boo
04:04Left a sign up on the door
04:07I'm poaching
04:10Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
04:11You keep on, Rodney
04:13And you're gonna get a smack right in the ear on you
04:15Oi, oi, oi
04:25What's all this about?
04:27My God, it's the old bilch
04:29Someone doubled you up about them salmon
04:32Shush
04:33Look, just let me do the talking
04:35Good evening, officer
04:44Now, if it's about the tax disc
04:46I can assure you that the new one is in the post
04:48Something to do with your road fund license, sir
04:51Down for a bit of fishing, are we?
04:54No, no, no
04:54Nothing like that, no
04:55Then why have you got three fishing rods tied to your roof rack?
05:03Oh, well, uh
05:04Oh, no, no
05:05Cos you remember
05:06We said we might do a little bit of fishing
05:08Oh, yeah, that's right
05:09Yeah, yeah
05:10Might do, you know, just a little bit
05:11Like, you know, titlers
05:12No salmon, no
05:14I see
05:18You haven't given anyone a lift in the last half hour or so, have you, sir?
05:23Er, no
05:25Look, what is this all about, anyway?
05:27We've just had word that a patient's escaped from the local hospital
05:30Escaped?
05:32What you got out here?
05:33National Health Stalag's?
05:34It's no ordinary hospital, sir
05:38It's an institute for the criminally insane
05:40See, this storm's brought a few power cables down
05:44It liked to help the entire area
05:46It even put the institute security system out of action
05:50So this patient took his chance
05:53And made off across the moors
05:54It's out there
05:57Somewhere now
05:58For all I know, he could be watching us
06:01What was he, er, in there for, anyway?
06:06Ten years ago, this very night
06:08He killed a party of weekend fishermen
06:10They called him the
06:14Axe murderer
06:15No, no, I didn't know
06:19I must have been out that night
06:20You people, be very careful
06:23Don't pick up any hitchhikers
06:25Don't stop for anyone
06:26No matter what the circumstance is
06:27And if you see or hear anything suspicious
06:30Phone the police immediately
06:32Your lives made it then, mate
06:35Right, gentlemen
06:37Have a nice weekend, won't you?
06:39Yeah
06:39Yeah, well, come on
06:48Full ahead both, Rodney
06:49Ain't going on, are we?
06:51Yeah, of course we are
06:52Build it
06:54It's a crazed axe murderer
06:55Out there somewhere
06:57I know that, Rodders
06:59But you seem to be forgetting
07:00That we're on a 300 quid earner
07:02Don't worry
07:04We'll be locked up safe and sound
07:06In Boyce's cottage
07:07Anyway, there's three of our
07:10It's me and you
07:13Don't worry
07:18I'll look after you
07:37Come on, look at this stuff out of there
07:54Come on
07:55All right, granddad
07:56I wish you'd shut up
08:16You're making me nervous
08:18Look, I didn't say I saw someone, did I?
08:22Just thought I saw something
08:23Yeah, all right, don't worry
08:24Get them lanterns going, will you, Rodney?
08:26All right, what's wrong with the lights?
08:27There's no electric, is there?
08:29Someone's been tampering with it
08:30No, look, the storm has blown the power cables over, remember?
08:34The whole area's blacked out, isn't it?
08:36Oh, yeah
08:37I'll see if I can find some candles in this cupboard over here
08:40What are you doing?
08:50I'm phoning the law
08:51You're doing what?
08:52What are you trying to do to me?
08:54God
08:55Look, we're down here doing a bit of fishing
08:57The last thing we need
08:59Is the local polizia sniffing round our keep nets
09:01Look, that cop has said
09:03If we see or hear anything suspicious
09:05Phone the police immediately
09:06Our lives could depend on it
09:08All right, then
09:09Who have you seen?
09:10Hawkeye
09:10Oh, I saw
09:11A movement in the trees
09:16A movement?
09:17Of course you've seen a movement in the trees
09:19There's a ruddy typhoid blown out there
09:22Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry
09:26It's all right, it comes to be
09:27Call yourself together, all right?
09:29I'll be all right
09:29Yeah, I'm sorry
09:30It's a typhoon
09:35Ah, good idea, Rodney
09:36Put the kettle on, we'll have a nice day
09:37Er, Dale, there's only an electric kettle out there
09:50Well, use a saucepan, then
09:51No, there ain't none
09:56Benny, look, come out of my way
09:59I'll do it
10:00Here, look, have a look in that sideboard
10:02See if Boycey's left any scotch, will you?
10:04If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine
10:06There you are, Rodney
10:13See what I mean?
10:14There ain't no ghosties or ghoulies
10:16It's, er, here
10:17Oh, dear boy, come in here quick
10:24Rodney's found something
10:26I think what?
10:33Monopoly
10:33Oh, now we are all doomed
10:35Not the Monopoly
10:37Hmm, what else?
10:43It's on your chopper
10:44It's next
10:46It's the same thing
10:47No, Dale
10:49The police ain't looking for an escaped chopper murderer
10:52Look, just a bit
10:56Let me ask you two something
10:58Where are we?
10:59We're in Stuck
11:00No, we're in the country, aren't we?
11:04And country people have these things hanging about
11:06It's part and parcel of their lives
11:08Oh, right, let me ask you something
11:09Where do you think that escaped bloke is right now?
11:13Probably out there on the moors
11:14In this weather?
11:15Yeah, well, he's mad, isn't he?
11:17Well, he might be mad
11:18He'd have to be bloody stupid to be out there on the moors
11:20Exactly
11:21I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere
11:24Found himself an empty place
11:26Like this
11:28Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it?
11:30It was before we arrived, Bill
11:32What do you reckon, all right, then?
11:36What, he's up there having a kip?
11:38Well, he could be up there
11:39Well, I shouldn't let it worry you, Grandad
11:41Because the three bears have probably eaten him by now
11:44I mean, what is this fairy story that you're giving me?
11:48What's the matter with you two?
11:48You've been sniffing the boss dick or something?
11:51All right, then
11:51Well, why don't you go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire
11:54And check it out?
11:58No, I don't have to
12:00No, I mean, listen
12:02Would any self-respecting axe murderer
12:05Pop upstairs for 40 winks
12:07And leave his chopper in the sideboard?
12:11He might have a spare one
12:13He's got a kit of them now, has he?
12:16I suppose he's got a little caddy that carries them around for him
12:19And another thing
12:21If the man of the moment is upstairs having a lie-in
12:24Who was it that you thought you saw out there in the trees?
12:27His brother?
12:29Oh, yeah, that's right
12:31Aren't we in two places at once?
12:34No, of course not
12:35Oh, he's most probably halfway to London by now
12:38Yeah, of course he is
12:39He's most probably looking for an empty place up there
12:41I hope he don't find our flat
12:43Will you, Santa?
12:43Will you, will you just stop all this nonsense?
12:50Look, look, are we, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound?
12:54Er, well, well, yeah
12:56Right, right, now can we just, you know, can we just, like, relax a bit now, you know?
13:01You all right?
13:01Yeah, all
13:02Now
13:04I wonder where the toilet is
13:08Oh, it's, er, it's outside, I saw it as we come in
13:12Right
13:12I think I'll leave it till the morning
13:21Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties, Rodney
13:30Of course it is
13:32You own everything on the board
13:33No, I don't, no, I don't
13:35Look, you've got, eh, Coventry Street, Grandad's got the waterworks and all that
13:39How do you call it on?
13:40Er, yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, £2,000, please
13:43Two
13:44Hold on
13:45Eh, what?
13:47According to this, it's only £1,500
13:49Yes, I know, but I put you in the penthouse suite, haven't I?
13:53I don't want the penthouse suite, do I?
13:56There you go, £1,500, that's all you're getting
13:58Like a big kid, isn't he?
13:59Yeah, well, I give up on him, Grandad
14:01It's your go, Grandfather
14:02Ah, Piccadilly
14:07Right, that's mine then, I've got an hotel, so that's £1,200
14:10£1,200 for an hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
14:14What?
14:16All them sewers? I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a bed and breakfast
14:21No, no, you don't understand, bless you
14:25No, no, I've seen the rules
14:28£1,200 is scandalous
14:32I ain't a tourist, Janelle
14:34Bill, can you have a word with him?
14:39Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney
14:41I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel next to a sewage farm in the first place
14:45I mean, let's face it, you know, your gaff's never going to get in the Michelin Guide, is he, eh?
14:49But the point of the...
14:54Stupid bloody gun!
14:58Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi
15:00That's charming, that isn't it, eh?
15:02Just because you're losing
15:03Oh, shut up
15:04You want to learn to grow up a bit, my son
15:06I didn't want to play this stupid bloody game in the first place
15:09Yeah, all right, here
15:09Grandad, I hit this hotel under the floor chair
15:11If there's any money down there, it's mine, right?
15:17Oh, here's the car
15:18This is the top that
15:19I only lived in a car
15:20That's the top that
15:21I only lived in a car
15:22There it is
15:23There's any more money down
15:39Don't you speak to me, Rodney, I'm finished with ya
15:42Bill, there is a man at the window
15:44You what?
15:47There is a man at the window.
15:51He ain't got a bucket in a shabby leather, has he?
15:56I'm being serious, Bill.
15:58There is somebody at the window.
16:06All right, Woody, all right.
16:08Relax, just take it easy, all right?
16:11I'll take a look.
16:17There's nothing there, Woody. Look, there's no-one out there.
16:31He was there, Bill, I swear to you.
16:32My face was only inches from that glass.
16:34What did he look like?
16:36Horrible. He had these evil eyes and this grotesque, evil face.
16:41Maybe it was a reflection.
16:43That was no reflection, Bill. I swear to God, I was just...
16:47What do you mean, a reflection?
16:49No, no, what I mean is that your imagination sometimes plays games with you.
16:53You know, it tricks you into believing that you saw something that isn't really there.
16:57Bill, I saw the rain running down his forehead.
16:59I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes.
17:02I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils.
17:05Well, you might have been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.
17:08Oh, dear God!
17:09Is anyone there?
17:16I think there's someone at the door.
17:19No, it's probably just the shadows.
17:23Shadows?
17:24Until they start singing summer holidays, we'll expect the worst.
17:30Who's there?
17:30Oh, good evening.
17:32My name's Robson.
17:33I'm Chief of Security at the institution.
17:35Oh, thank God for that.
17:36What the hell do you think you're doing?
17:39It's the Chief of Security at the hospital.
17:41Says who?
17:41Only just this minute.
17:44Oh, dear.
17:46It could be anybody.
17:48You?
17:52Get ready.
17:53Will?
18:00Will what?
18:03Is that him?
18:04Who?
18:05The face at the window.
18:06I don't know.
18:07I didn't look.
18:09You, Wally!
18:10You never said what he was going to do.
18:11Is everything all right?
18:12Yeah, I won't give you a minute, Chief.
18:15Now, do it.
18:15Do it again.
18:16Now, this time, you take a good look.
18:17All right.
18:18All right.
18:20Lee.
18:21Good evening.
18:23Well?
18:26No, it's not.
18:27You sure?
18:27Yeah, I'm positive that.
18:28It's definitely not in.
18:30All right.
18:32Do come in, Chief.
18:35There we are.
18:36Appalling weather.
18:37Yes.
18:38Sorry about leaving you standing out there,
18:40but we can't be too sure, can you?
18:41You know, we thought you might have been
18:42a double glazing salesman.
18:43What?
18:44Oh, yes.
18:45Well, if you'd like to see some identification,
18:46there's everything there from my driver's licence
18:49to my blood donor's car.
18:50Oh, yeah, no, no.
18:50That's all right.
18:51That's all right.
18:51So, you haven't caught him yet, then?
18:57Unfortunately, no.
18:58We've extended the search up to this area now.
19:00We have the entire police forces of three counties
19:02out looking for him.
19:03I was passing, saw a light.
19:05What exactly are you gentlemen doing here?
19:08Oh, we're on a fishing trip.
19:09I don't suppose you've seen anything?
19:16Well, other than the face at the window, nothing.
19:19Face at the window?
19:21Yeah, well, I mean, Rodney,
19:22I reckon he saw a face at the window,
19:24and I don't know whether to believe him or not.
19:25Oh, I saw him, Del.
19:26I was only sort of like three inches away from him.
19:29Could you describe him for me?
19:30Yeah, of course I could.
19:31He was about, um, fifth feet.
19:34Yeah.
19:34He had this gaunt, hungered expression, you know,
19:37and his eyes were like wild animals.
19:39Yeah, and he got what?
19:40He got air out of his nostrils.
19:41Oh, yeah, there was all that.
19:43You're quite certain it wasn't a reflection?
19:48Look, it was not a reflection.
19:50I'm sorry, but at times like these people's imaginations run amuck.
19:54Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
19:57What was the colour of his hair?
20:01What?
20:02On...
20:02On his hair.
20:05Oh, uh, grey.
20:06Ah, sounds like my man.
20:09When exactly did this happen?
20:10Well, just now, a minute or so before you arrived.
20:12Hmm, he must have seen me.
20:15You reckon he's still out there, then?
20:16Oh, no, he'd be long gone by now.
20:18Well, it's the uniform, you see.
20:20He's terrified of people in authority.
20:23Well, after ten years in an institution, who wouldn't be?
20:26Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock.
20:32Chief, do you mind if I asked you something?
20:34What, sir?
20:35Well, is it safe for me to go to the car seat?
20:38I mean, it's outside.
20:39Oh, you're perfectly safe.
20:41It'll be a long way away by now.
20:42Oh, good.
20:43Right, that's all right.
20:45Ooh.
20:48Well, go on, then, girl.
20:53There's nothing to be frightened of now.
20:55I know.
20:56You don't have to go out there, do you?
20:58Well, you heard what the chief said.
20:59Go on.
20:59There's no need to worry.
21:00You're worried.
21:02You're worried?
21:03All right.
21:12He's such a worrier.
21:13You weren't frightened at all?
21:32Me?
21:33No.
21:34No.
21:34Because, you see, in the past, I have done work for the mentally disturbed.
21:39They went out selling flags one Saturday.
21:41Well, yeah, but I can actually sympathise with this guy's problems.
21:49Sympathise?
21:50But he's a psycho.
21:51Have you any idea what a psycho, as you so eloquently put it, is?
21:55Of course I have.
21:57He's a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
21:59Hm..
22:00You're yelling and smiling.
22:17Thank you, Dad.
22:20This.
22:21This.
22:21Bounce! Bounce!
22:23Rodney! Grandad!
22:25Come out here, quick!
22:27Bring some room!
22:29Yeah, so then, right,
22:31I grabbed the axe out of his hand
22:33and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw,
22:35so obviously he went down, right?
22:37Then I tied him up good and tight
22:39and we bundled him in the back of the van.
22:41Well, good work, lad.
22:43You say you caught him straight?
22:45Well, good work, lad.
22:47You say you caught him straight?
22:49Well, good work, lad. You say you caught him single-handed?
22:51Yeah.
22:55Well, um, no.
22:57There was my brother back at the cottage.
22:59He helped a bit.
23:01You're too modest, Rodney.
23:03Well, there could be a medal in this.
23:07Well...
23:09Right, get ready, lads. This one could be a handful.
23:15Is this some kind of joke?
23:19What do you mean?
23:21This is no escape lunatic.
23:23This is Tom Whitten, the gamekeeper.
23:25And you shouldn't have gagged him like that.
23:27He suffers from asthma.
23:29Well, now, hold on a minute.
23:31The chief of security from the institution itself
23:33said it was him.
23:35What chief of security?
23:37What's his name? Robson.
23:39He's back at the cottage with Del.
23:41Chief Robson is not at the cottage.
23:43He's at the hospital.
23:45The escaped man hit him on the head,
23:47then stole his uniform and his identity papers.
23:53Well, I still reckon we should have gone with him.
23:55Oh, no, it was imperative.
23:56I made out my report immediately.
23:58And, after all, I needed you here with me.
24:00You were the one that recaptured him.
24:02Well, yes, I am, I suppose, yeah.
24:04Here, what do you say we have a nice little drink to celebrate, eh?
24:08Well, the old river's clearing up nicely.
24:10Look at that, full moon.
24:18Oh, there you go, chief.
24:20Oh, excuse me.
24:22Yes, hello.
24:25Oh, hello, Rodders.
24:26Did you get there all right?
24:27Yeah.
24:36He's what?
24:42No.
24:45You all right?
24:48The chief's just standing there, you know,
24:50examining his axe.
24:52Yeah, all right, well...
24:56You'll hurry back, won't you?
24:58All right, goodbye.
25:05Well, I just phoned up, you know.
25:06Tell us he got there all right.
25:08Good.
25:10Do you like fish?
25:12What?
25:13Do you like fish?
25:14Oh, yeah, yeah, a little bit of salt and vinegar, lovely.
25:17I only like living fish.
25:19Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas.
25:22I don't like people that kill them.
25:24No, no, no, I don't.
25:25I don't like that salt myself.
25:27But I saw fishing rods on your van.
25:29No, no, no, they belong to me.
25:30They belong to my brother and my granddad.
25:32I mean, I keep telling them, I beg them not to hurt the poor little fishes.
25:35I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air.
25:40Go on.
25:44Do you like snooker?
25:48Snooker?
25:49Yes!
25:50Do you?
25:51Oh, yes.
25:52So do I.
25:53It's terrific, isn't it?
25:55Shall we play a game?
25:59Well, snooker?
26:00Yes!
26:02Yeah, yeah, all right.
26:04I'll tell you what.
26:05I'll just pop out to the shed at the bottom of the garden,
26:07because I think I remember seeing a snooker table in there.
26:10All right.
26:11No need.
26:15We'll use this one.
26:17Here.
26:22What?
26:23What you mean, this one here, you mean?
26:24Yes!
26:25Yeah, yeah, okay.
26:31Thank God for that.
26:33Is it a police helicopter?
26:34No!
26:35You're all right.
26:36It's Barrett's.
26:42Good.
26:47You can break.
26:54I'll tell you what.
26:55Why don't I put that somewhere safe?
26:58Because you won't be able to hold your cue properly with that in your hand, will you?
27:07Now...
27:09I suppose you're all right.
27:10Yeah.
27:11Of course I am.
27:12You know it makes sense.
27:18Which cue would you like?
27:23Um...
27:32I'll have this one.
27:33Good.
27:34This is my favourite.
27:35You can see it's a good one, can't you?
27:36I'm not very good at snooker.
27:37I always lose.
27:38I've got a feeling you're going to win this one.
27:39I hope not.
27:40I don't like winning.
27:41My father used to force me to win at everything I did.
27:42But people challenge winners.
27:43You become vulnerable.
27:44You feel open to attack.
27:45Do you know the feeling?
27:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
27:47Yeah.
27:48I know exactly what you mean.
27:49Yeah.
27:50Yeah.
27:51But losers are anonymous.
27:52No one wants to challenge a loser.
27:53There's something comforting in defeat.
27:55I really like losing.
27:56There you are.
27:57There you are.
27:58Well, what do you say we make this game a little more interesting?
28:00Should we play for a ten or a frame?
28:17Well, what do you say we make this game a little more interesting?
28:23Shall we play for a tenner a frame?
28:26Oh, all right.
28:28I've got a feeling that this weekend is not going to be a total loss after all.
28:33Nothing. Got a chalk.
28:37Thanks.
28:59Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push.
29:02No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.
29:08Black or white, rich or poor, we'll cut prices and a straw.
29:16God bless Hookie Street.
29:19Viva Hookie Street.
29:22Long live Hookie Street.
29:25Saint-Mandifique Hookie Street.
29:28Magnifique Hookie Street.
29:32Hookie Street.
29:35Hookie Street.
29:38Hookie Street.
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