- 4 months ago
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00:00:00Dill, if you've got a minute, would you run a lever over my mini?
00:00:10Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner.
00:00:13Merely agreed to do a bit of part-time driving for Boise, that is all.
00:00:18Sorry, darling, I forgot.
00:00:21You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
00:00:23No, no, no, no, this is a hobby of mine.
00:00:26You know, I love driving you and Boise to weddings and what have you,
00:00:30hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
00:00:32Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
00:00:36It's no secret that I've got a few problems on the old financial front.
00:00:41I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
00:00:46You know, I never thought of that.
00:00:49Marlene, will you finish doing your make-up?
00:00:52Your face should be ready for the second coat now.
00:00:54Will you keep your noise down, Boisey?
00:00:57Do you want the neighbours to think we're vulgar?
00:01:01Dill, coffee?
00:01:03Oh, yeah, thanks very much. Cheers, boys.
00:01:05Uh, no, I mean, go round to the kitchen and make me a cup.
00:01:10Here, boys.
00:01:12You know this car's a GTI?
00:01:14If you rearrange the letters, you've got yourself a personalised number.
00:01:20Two figures in mine.
00:01:21Good afternoon.
00:01:32Oh, afternoon.
00:01:34Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved?
00:01:37Um, no.
00:01:39No, they're in prison.
00:01:42Yeah, I'm just, uh, searching the house, you know.
00:01:44I'm from the drug squad.
00:01:46They will be out on parole shortly, so, uh, what's your step?
00:01:54Thank you, officer.
00:01:57Not at all, Mum.
00:01:58Two sugars.
00:02:05I mean, I shouldn't be going to this wedding in my condition.
00:02:08I can't even smell my own aftershave.
00:02:11Mind you, I can't smell Dells either, so that's a plus.
00:02:14I'll keep your big mouth shut at this wedding.
00:02:16I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
00:02:19Well, that's going to limit the conversation, then, isn't it?
00:02:21I mean, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
00:02:25I'm fed up with having to defend you.
00:02:28The times I've said to them, yes, he's ugly, but he's successful.
00:02:33And you be nice to my mum.
00:02:35It's taken me five years to convince her you're not a vampire.
00:02:40All right.
00:02:42Looking forward to the wedding, then.
00:02:43You look lovely, darling.
00:02:47Whoa.
00:02:48Wait.
00:02:50Wait.
00:02:52Can I, uh, tell you about my new business, Dells?
00:02:56Well, you did mention it two or three dozen times.
00:03:00Yeah, five or six weeks from now,
00:03:02and Boyce will be flying off to Paris to sign the contract.
00:03:06He's going to be a multimillionaire.
00:03:09Oh, please don't.
00:03:10I'm going to wet myself in a minute.
00:03:12I don't know whether to buy a new house
00:03:14or have this one renovated.
00:03:17Marlene, have some sensitivity.
00:03:19Don't talk about millions of pounds
00:03:21and big houses in front of Dell.
00:03:24It'll make him feel nostalgic.
00:03:27It must be horrible for you and Raquel
00:03:29having all that money and then losing it.
00:03:32Good always comes out of bad, Boycey.
00:03:35As Raquel says,
00:03:37it's made her appreciate the little things of life.
00:03:40Hmm.
00:03:42Marlene knows all about that.
00:03:44She had no choice.
00:03:50When the contract's signed, Dell,
00:03:52I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
00:03:56I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
00:03:59Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
00:04:01Marlene, where's my hair gel?
00:04:11Wherever you left it.
00:04:12Oh, oh.
00:04:34Oh.
00:04:34Oh.
00:05:05Hey, Uncle Rodders?
00:05:11Hmm?
00:05:12What was my dad like as a teenager?
00:05:15Horrible.
00:05:18Paya kasha!
00:05:23Uncle Rodders?
00:05:26Hmm?
00:05:27What sort of teenager think I'll be?
00:05:29Horrible.
00:05:32Yes!
00:05:33Oh, Mum, Uncle Rodders says I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
00:05:37Oh, did he?
00:05:38No, well, you know, what I meant was all teenagers are horrible, aren't they?
00:05:41They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
00:05:44Yeah, I suppose they are a bit annoying.
00:05:46But when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
00:05:49and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
00:05:52Yeah, anyway, so I squeeze this tube, I squeeze this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
00:06:00So, Boise goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
00:06:04Well, that's the theory, anyway.
00:06:09So, what's happening?
00:06:11Anything on the go?
00:06:12What's that about?
00:06:13It's all right, just a bit of business.
00:06:15Nothing for you to worry about, right?
00:06:16Nothing for me to...
00:06:17Derek, may I remind you that I am the managing director of Trotter's Independent Traders now.
00:06:22Oh, he's better than the bean, Owen.
00:06:27Hang about, hang about, hang on, will you?
00:06:28Look, you were declared bankrupt.
00:06:31You have been banned from running any company, from sitting on any board, or from dealing in any shares.
00:06:36They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange on a bike.
00:06:40And you owe the inland revenue over £50,000.
00:06:44Yeah, well, all right, who's the one that's out there earning money driving for Boise, eh?
00:06:47Well, you sit on your IQ, you know, all banks.
00:06:50Excuse me!
00:06:50Hold on a minute.
00:06:51You too, I'm trying to eat.
00:06:53Yeah, all right, all right.
00:06:54I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
00:06:57Oh, all right.
00:06:59Yeah, sorry about that, pal.
00:07:00What did you say?
00:07:01No, it was just Rodney, you know, he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
00:07:06What?
00:07:06Oh, yeah.
00:07:08What?
00:07:11Look, I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel, but we can't hide from this thing.
00:07:15If we don't come up with that money in a few months' time, then the inland revenue are going to sell this flat to the highest bidder, and we're all going to be up...
00:07:22I don't know where we're going to be, and I've got added responsibilities now.
00:07:26I know, but Del will think of something.
00:07:30Is that supposed to encourage me?
00:07:32It was Del thinking of something that got us in this mess.
00:07:35The judge blamed both of you.
00:07:37He said you were like two modern-day Neros playing at business while your empire burnt.
00:07:42We may have been two Neros, Raquel, but only one was fiddling.
00:07:48Yeah, yeah.
00:07:49Kushty.
00:07:50Kushty, monkey.
00:07:51Yeah, all right, monkey.
00:07:52All right, well, we'll see you, monkey.
00:07:54All right.
00:07:55Bonjour, monkey.
00:07:56That was monkey.
00:07:59Anyway, he's only had a consignment of log-effect gas fires coming from Slovakia.
00:08:05Derek, I am running the firm now, and I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect gas fires.
00:08:10Yeah, I know.
00:08:10That's what I told him.
00:08:11Oh.
00:08:13Good.
00:08:14How do you know I didn't want them?
00:08:15Well, because we know what each other's thinking, don't we?
00:08:19You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
00:08:22Anyway, these gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes.
00:08:26Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right, and sold them to that builder who's renovating the Bob Marley estate.
00:08:32Got 50 quid a pop for them.
00:08:3450 pounds a piece?
00:08:35Yeah.
00:08:35And then there's that Lenny Corby, you know, the gas fatter?
00:08:37No.
00:08:38He's putting one in each room and this big house that he's doing up.
00:08:41I thought, well, easy money.
00:08:43Then I thought to myself, you know, there's business, right, and then there's what Rodney's doing.
00:08:50Now, what are we into now?
00:08:52We're into party planning.
00:08:54Yes, and that sort of thing is big.
00:08:56Yeah, that's right.
00:08:57Up in Sloan Square, where they like a roasted pepper and a bucket of couscous.
00:09:02But this is Peckham, where they like, you know, a kebab and a tattoo.
00:09:07It seems that they are very, very fond of log effect gas fires.
00:09:11Yeah, well, given it some consideration, and I am interested in them now.
00:09:15Oh, good, because I told him we'd have 20.
00:09:17Right.
00:09:21Oi!
00:09:22Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, will you stop that?
00:09:24Oh, look, that is your Uncle Zurn, that is.
00:09:26Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing up?
00:09:32It's daytime, I always get up, it's sort of a tradition.
00:09:35Yes, I know, but you're pregnant now and you're supposed to rest.
00:09:39Now, where were you going?
00:09:40To the kitchen, to get some juice.
00:09:41I'll get you the juice.
00:09:42Oh, I can get the juice myself.
00:09:44I'll get the juice.
00:09:45No, I'm good at getting the juice.
00:09:46Oh, for God's sake, I'll get the juice.
00:09:49Blimey!
00:09:49Damien, go and get the juice.
00:09:53You've got to calm down, Rodney.
00:09:55There's a long way to go, and at this rate, you'll be a nervous wreck by the time the baby's born.
00:09:59You've got to be very strong, both physically and mentally, before the baby arrives.
00:10:04I remember the night that Damien was born.
00:10:08It was a wonderful, wonderful moment.
00:10:12But it was very, very traumatic and very, very stressful.
00:10:16And it wasn't a walk in the park for you, Raquel, was it, either?
00:10:22No, it wasn't.
00:10:24I'll go and get some more tea.
00:10:26And I'm going to get some cereal.
00:10:27Well, I can get...
00:10:28Me, not you, not anyone else, just me.
00:10:31All right, all right.
00:10:33Just be careful.
00:10:34Oh, my God.
00:10:37Oi, Woody, come on, sit down.
00:10:39Even like a Moby.
00:10:40I've been waiting a long time for this baby.
00:10:42I don't want anything to go wrong.
00:10:44No, no, it's fair enough, fair enough.
00:10:47Tell me something.
00:10:48There's one thing I still don't understand.
00:10:52A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for this baby, weren't you?
00:10:56I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
00:11:00I remember that you became so pale, you had to have your passport photo redone.
00:11:04Derek, will you stop discussing my private life in front of Damien?
00:11:10Yes, yes, yes, all right, all right, sorry.
00:11:12Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you up to Harley Street, eh?
00:11:16To have a little test on all your old, you know, on your...
00:11:19Yeah, I know.
00:11:21Because I remember going around to your flat, you know.
00:11:24I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge for specimens.
00:11:26And I remember what you said to me.
00:11:31You said if it hadn't been for the magazines, you would have packed it in.
00:11:38Look, we simply weren't very successful to begin with,
00:11:41and they thought that I might have a low count.
00:11:43Yes, I know, but you were back and forth there for ages.
00:11:46Shame they didn't give air miles.
00:11:47And a low count, call blimey, he was on the calculator.
00:11:51Trigger.
00:11:53I don't believe you.
00:11:55And then you announced that you've changed your mind about having a chavvy,
00:11:59and then you go late night shopping at Family Planning.
00:12:02Cassandra and I discussed it,
00:12:04and our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
00:12:06to hold back until the financial climate was more conducive to starting a family, right?
00:12:12Then...
00:12:12we had a change of heart.
00:12:14Yeah, well, I understand that.
00:12:16But in a minute, you're going to have the bailiffs, aren't you, as godparents?
00:12:21We decided to try for this baby as a token, Del.
00:12:24As a token of our belief in our marriage.
00:12:27Of Trotter's independent traders.
00:12:28Of the future of Britain.
00:12:30But most importantly of all,
00:12:32as a token of our belief in this family.
00:12:37Brittany.
00:12:40If your dear mother could hear you now, she'd be so proud of you.
00:12:44It's just how we feel.
00:12:45Oh, good boy.
00:12:46Good boy.
00:12:49Here, I know how you get babies.
00:12:51I bet you do.
00:12:52It must have been horrible!
00:12:56You're all right.
00:12:57Oh, hey, he's a lad, isn't he?
00:12:59Oh, I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
00:13:01You know how that kid does my head in.
00:13:09And I bet it was him who nicked your contraceptive pills.
00:13:13He's so silly.
00:13:14No, I searched all over this flat.
00:13:16There was nowhere to be found.
00:13:18No, it was him.
00:13:19Rat boy.
00:13:21Leave him alone.
00:13:22He's only young.
00:13:22Yeah, but he seems to know everything.
00:13:25It's like a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy.
00:13:29Hey, Rodgers, come on.
00:13:30Get your arse in gear.
00:13:31We've got some business to sort out.
00:13:32Hey, go and start the van, will you?
00:13:33He, uh, ain't got used to me being in Charles yet, has he?
00:13:39See you, Rachel.
00:13:40Oh, bye.
00:13:43Final reminder.
00:13:45Final reminder.
00:13:47Final reminder.
00:13:49This is not a circular.
00:13:51No, it's a final reminder.
00:13:53Oh, here's a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
00:13:56It's from the Royal Naval Association.
00:13:58They obviously haven't heard.
00:14:00Should we open it?
00:14:01No, best leave it to Dale.
00:14:02All right.
00:14:05I'm off, sweetheart.
00:14:06See you later, Cassandra.
00:14:08Dale?
00:14:09Yeah?
00:14:09A letter's arrived from the Seamans Association.
00:14:12Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
00:14:29Cup two, please, Carol.
00:14:30All right, bossy.
00:14:34Don't roll.
00:14:37You are witnessing one of nature's great phenomena.
00:14:42One that, sadly, over the years, David Attenborough has ignored.
00:14:46It's called the Trotter Brothers trying to park a three-wheel van.
00:14:50Hard on your left.
00:14:51Hard on your left.
00:14:51Hard on your left.
00:14:54All right, now, that's it.
00:14:55Hard on your left.
00:14:56Hard on your left.
00:14:57On the left.
00:14:58Left.
00:14:58Right hand down.
00:14:59Right hand down.
00:15:00Hard on your left, Dave.
00:15:01Hard.
00:15:02Right on your left.
00:15:03Will you shut up?
00:15:04No.
00:15:04You're looking at the wrong angle, aren't you?
00:15:09Say, how's business?
00:15:11Business?
00:15:12What business?
00:15:14I've just got myself a new truck, and I haven't had any bloody work since.
00:15:19I mean, everything's just bad news these days.
00:15:21Ah, well, that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
00:15:25I'm in the motor trade, right?
00:15:28And recently, a fellow mason from my lodge mentioned my firm to a certain big-time player
00:15:33whose name I cannot possibly divulge.
00:15:37Suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentleman who has made his mark in Europe.
00:15:45Now, pull down and straighten it up.
00:15:51Have you yelled, Rodney?
00:15:54They reversed vasectomies quicker than this.
00:15:57Shut up, Buller.
00:15:58Hard on your left, Dave.
00:16:02So, er, so what's his business?
00:16:05Let's just say he's in the commercial sector.
00:16:10Negotiations are at an extremely sensitive stage, but in a few weeks' time, Boyce Autos
00:16:15could hold the UK franchise for most of them cheap, low-tax cars in Europe.
00:16:19Great.
00:16:20So, er, where do I fit in?
00:16:23You?
00:16:24You don't.
00:16:29So, why are you telling me this, then?
00:16:31Well, you said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
00:16:35Next month, I could be a millionaire.
00:16:39I don't sudden believe you, Boyce.
00:16:42What are you trying to cheer you up, Denzel?
00:16:45Can you smell onions?
00:16:50If you don't get it in this time, I'm going to back it in myself.
00:16:57Oi, who's running his firm now?
00:16:59Oh, it's got you puzzled as well, has it?
00:17:01At last.
00:17:18You can't park there, Dave.
00:17:22You park too close to a council-owned installation.
00:17:24It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist to advise you of the law.
00:17:31What's in that thing?
00:17:33Freezing salt.
00:17:35There's people like me at the sharp end who have to spread that salt on the roads in icy conditions.
00:17:41What icy conditions?
00:17:42I have to attend lectures on modern climactic change.
00:17:47What with global warming and Al Pacino.
00:17:52El Nino, Trigger.
00:17:55You just don't know what's going to happen next.
00:17:59Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
00:18:02If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll, will you turn a blind eye on it?
00:18:07Are you trying to bribe me?
00:18:11Yes.
00:18:12All right, then.
00:18:13Come on, let's go.
00:18:17If they keep on, I'm going to tell them what I think of them.
00:18:20What's that?
00:18:21The neighbours, they've stopped talking to us.
00:18:24They're looking down their noses like they think we're criminals.
00:18:28Oh, I've heard about my European deal.
00:18:31They're just jealous.
00:18:32Ignore them.
00:18:35All right, what's so funny?
00:18:36It's your advert, isn't it?
00:18:38I mean, it's just stupid.
00:18:40Look, Rodney, I used to run my own firm.
00:18:42Yeah, I know you got probation for that, didn't you?
00:18:45Yeah, well, it didn't go as well as I'd planned, too.
00:18:47But the point I'm trying to make is nobody reads the small ads.
00:18:52Now, well, that is where you're wrong, Mickey, you see.
00:18:54Because a couple of months ago, Boise there put an ad in the paper for his car firm, right?
00:19:00It read, urgently required security guard.
00:19:04Well, that night, his showroom was burgled.
00:19:11Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
00:19:15Well, along the way, I've got business to attend, see.
00:19:18Yeah, you've got to go and cash that gyro check, haven't you?
00:19:21Hello, Cassandra.
00:19:26How's my little good child, then?
00:19:28I don't know, Mickey, but my baby's doing all right.
00:19:31See ya.
00:19:33Oh, look, here's the mum's a bee.
00:19:35Huh?
00:19:36Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing walking about like this?
00:19:39Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat, so I decided to get some exercise.
00:19:43Like the doctor ordered me to?
00:19:45She's right, Rodney.
00:19:46Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women to carry on as normal.
00:19:49Now, you're not thinking of having one of them natural births, are you?
00:19:53Well, we have discussed using a birthing pool.
00:19:55With the dampness in your flat, I don't know why you're bothering me.
00:19:57You know, it's such a shame you haven't got any fire grates in your place.
00:20:07We've got young Lenny Corby fitting eight log effect gas fires in our house.
00:20:12I must invite you and the family round for the big switching on ceremony.
00:20:17Give you something to look forward to.
00:20:19Please, boys, see I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
00:20:23Oh, I'll tell you another thing.
00:20:24When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
00:20:28They're all ugly at birth.
00:20:29Well, that's true.
00:20:30Some are more ugly than others.
00:20:31Cos when Boycey was born, the midwife held him up and slapped his mother.
00:20:40All right.
00:20:41On that note, I shall bid you all goodbye.
00:20:44Come along, Marlene.
00:20:46You can drive me to the showroom.
00:20:48See you later, Cassandra.
00:20:50Bye, I'll...
00:20:52Oh, tell me, I brought that letter down.
00:20:53It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
00:20:55To Albert?
00:20:57I hope you're not going to have my experience, Rodney.
00:21:00From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me nothing but hell.
00:21:05Well, lots of women suffer from postnatal depression, don't they?
00:21:08But we'd adopted.
00:21:12I'll tell you no notice as I said, he's always been a cantankerous, miserable old sod.
00:21:17Yeah, and his wife was hot-blooded.
00:21:19She was Spanish.
00:21:19He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her.
00:21:24Hey, brothers.
00:21:25What's it, Liz?
00:21:26There's an old naval friend of Albert's trying to organise a reunion for some of the crew that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
00:21:36Didn't know Albert went to Denmark?
00:21:38Well, he didn't.
00:21:39The fleet never made it.
00:21:40I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
00:21:42All the ships were named after sea creatures, weren't they?
00:21:44You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
00:21:48What was Albert's ship called?
00:21:49HMS Cod.
00:21:52Yeah, yeah, that was it.
00:21:55Yeah, he said they got into some sort of trouble, but none of it was his fault.
00:21:59Well, that would have been a first then, wouldn't it, eh?
00:22:00Well, it's taking place in a village in Normandy.
00:22:04You'll have to write to the association, tell them that Albert isn't with us anymore.
00:22:08Yes, yes, you're right, I suppose.
00:22:09Yeah, I suppose so.
00:22:10Isn't it a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
00:22:14Bet she'd have loved to have been Albert's representative.
00:22:16Do you remember the night he told us their story?
00:22:19How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
00:22:22Well, then he had to go off and fight for his country, and they both met and married other people.
00:22:26And then, years later, they met again and spent their last years together.
00:22:34What's wrong with that scatty cow?
00:22:39It's her hormones.
00:22:41We're doing somersaults, you know.
00:22:42It happens when they're pregnant.
00:22:44Oh, well, you're all right, ain't you?
00:22:47Yes!
00:22:48It's like Captain Corelli's mandolin, isn't it?
00:22:51Yeah, yeah.
00:22:56What's Captain Corelli's mandolin?
00:23:00Captain Corelli's mandolin.
00:23:02It's a romantic film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
00:23:05Oh, that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
00:23:10Anyway, listen, I've had a thought.
00:23:12If Elsie can't go and represent Albert at this reunion, I think Rodney and I ought to go.
00:23:18Now, that is a brilliant suggestion.
00:23:20No, I think Albert would have loved that idea.
00:23:22I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
00:23:24You two are just going to go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
00:23:28That hurts, Raquel.
00:23:31That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
00:23:34This is a family thing.
00:23:36We just want Albert to be remembered.
00:23:40It's like...
00:23:41Well, it is.
00:23:42It's our tutor.
00:23:43All right, I'm sorry.
00:23:44I was only joking.
00:23:46It's all right, sweetheart.
00:23:46I know you didn't mean nothing.
00:23:48Raquel, Cassandra, look.
00:23:51It's a picture of my wife.
00:23:53Come and have a look.
00:23:53Look, I don't know how you feel about this, but we could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
00:24:01That's a very good idea, Rodney.
00:24:03No, he would really like that, wouldn't he?
00:24:06Yeah.
00:24:06We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbour, because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
00:24:12By the way, I'll tell you what.
00:24:19Why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home.
00:24:22I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
00:24:23Sure.
00:24:23Yeah, of course.
00:24:25Sid, what are all these little holes?
00:24:28Darts.
00:24:31It's a long story.
00:24:32See, I met her in 1950.
00:24:34You two want to lift home?
00:24:35Yes, please.
00:24:38Bye.
00:24:38See you, Sid.
00:24:39See you, Stings.
00:24:40I'll see you, take it out of that, will you?
00:24:43Hey, Denzel, you still got that lorry of yours?
00:24:46Yeah, why?
00:24:47It's just that me and Rodney are thinking of going to France.
00:24:50Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
00:24:51Yeah, okay, thanks.
00:24:53No, not now.
00:24:54No, I mean, like, next month.
00:24:57Got a little idea, like, you know, rolling around the side of me head.
00:24:59No.
00:25:00What do you mean, no?
00:25:01You haven't heard it yet.
00:25:03Well, that's good, because this way the police can't drag it out of me under interrogation.
00:25:07It's interrogation.
00:25:08What are you going on about, Denzel?
00:25:10Every time you have a little idea, someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
00:25:14Can I help you if I am misunderstood?
00:25:18I'm not misunderstanding you.
00:25:19You can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France.
00:25:23And there's me with a lorry and Sid with a pup.
00:25:27So what are you saying?
00:25:31What I'm saying, Trigg, is that Del buys £1,000 worth of half-price alcohol.
00:25:36We drive it back in the truck.
00:25:38Sid gets a cellar full of cheap booze and we share the profits.
00:25:42No.
00:25:43I was thinking of bringing you all back some nice French cheese.
00:25:46But now you've suggested that, that is a brilliant idea, Denzel.
00:25:53First class.
00:25:54Yeah.
00:25:55A few trips like this, we could earn ourselves a decent money.
00:25:59I'm not doing it.
00:26:00But it was your idea.
00:26:03No, it wasn't.
00:26:04Well, it was in a way.
00:26:07I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
00:26:10I mean, I was trying to sort of...
00:26:12I didn't mean...
00:26:13The thing is, I was just trying to...
00:26:16Is this thing anywhere near legal?
00:26:19Of course it is.
00:26:21Just don't tell Rugby.
00:26:21Neil, Rodney.
00:26:51You do the honours.
00:26:54No, you would have liked it.
00:26:58But do it ceremoniously.
00:27:01Right?
00:27:02Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
00:27:04See you again sometime, honk.
00:27:27Good luck, Holden.
00:27:28I hope it's not his dentures.
00:27:41I can't believe it.
00:27:42What?
00:27:47Cassandra's birth control pills.
00:27:49Cassandra's birth...
00:27:50Who put them in there?
00:27:53Bloody, who do you think put them in there, Damien?
00:27:59He's a boy, isn't he?
00:28:02Anyway, you don't need her no more, do you?
00:28:04Because she's up the duck.
00:28:05Yeah, I know, but it quite is.
00:28:07If he hadn't put...
00:28:08You know, I've...
00:28:09He's a little sod, isn't he?
00:28:15Yeah.
00:28:17I don't know where he gets it from.
00:28:21Must make off the rack, eh?
00:28:23Yeah.
00:28:24Yeah, more than likely.
00:28:26Right, go on.
00:28:27Well, I've got to travel up this road about another three miles, Rudders.
00:28:45And then look for a sign saying, St. Clair La Chapelle.
00:28:50Right?
00:28:51Where'd you get that from?
00:29:01Hmm?
00:29:02Well, this.
00:29:03Oh, well.
00:29:05Kind of blend in with the locals, Rodney.
00:29:09You've always been a bit of a Francophile, you know?
00:29:11Yeah.
00:29:12More like a Franco-Spencer.
00:29:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:15Try a bit where we are.
00:29:18Anyway, where is my book?
00:29:22Ha!
00:29:23Burn up on the old French.
00:29:25It's amazing, you know, how quick you forget it.
00:29:28Yeah, I know, Mr. Lillard.
00:29:30No, I mean, you know, I've forgotten a lot of the French I learned at school as well.
00:29:34Well, don't you worry.
00:29:36I'll be with you.
00:29:45Because it is a difficult language, you know.
00:29:47Because one of my most favouritest meals is duck a la ranch, but I don't know how to say that in French.
00:29:56It's canald.
00:29:57Well, you can say that again, bruv.
00:30:03Now, the French word for duck is canald.
00:30:07Is it?
00:30:08I thought that was something to do with the QE2.
00:30:10Oh, that's Q-nald.
00:30:13They're the ones that make the boats and what have you.
00:30:15The French for duck is canald.
00:30:18Right, lovely jubbly.
00:30:20Right, so how do the French say a la range, then?
00:30:23A la range.
00:30:29The same as we do.
00:30:31Yes.
00:30:32Sir, dear.
00:30:34It's a pity they don't use more of our words, any.
00:30:40Stupid, isn't they?
00:30:41Yeah.
00:30:44I can't wait to get there, rudders.
00:30:46I bet they're going to throw a Mardi Gras.
00:30:50Because the old French, they don't scrimp when it comes to a celebration.
00:30:53Yeah, that's right.
00:30:54I imagine it'll be some quiet little backwater somewhere.
00:30:58Yeah.
00:31:00I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:31:02Yeah.
00:31:03Yeah.
00:31:06Yeah.
00:31:23Ah, ah, ah, ah, au revoir.
00:31:29Ah, au revoir, au revoir.
00:31:32Derrick und, er, Rodney Trotter.
00:31:36Bonjour, monsieur.
00:31:37Ah, huh, mm-hmm.
00:31:38Bonjour.
00:31:38Excuse me, er, did you say Trotter?
00:31:44Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
00:31:47Very pleased to meet you.
00:31:49George Parker.
00:31:50I sailed with your uncle during the war.
00:31:52Is Albert not coming?
00:31:55Um, no, I'm afraid not.
00:31:58Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago.
00:32:02Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
00:32:05Yeah, well, so are we.
00:32:09Well, er, where's the crew?
00:32:13The crew?
00:32:14Oh, here.
00:32:15I'm the only one that's turned up.
00:32:18All the others are either dead in old people's homes
00:32:21or just couldn't be bothered.
00:32:23See, well, we're here to represent Albert,
00:32:28so, you know, let's get started.
00:32:30Oh, nice.
00:32:31Mr. Mayor, see you in the blue play?
00:32:34See you in the blue play.
00:32:45Are you wearing Albert's medals?
00:32:53Yes, with pride.
00:32:57Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
00:32:59They're playing the American anthem.
00:33:12I knew we should have got a later, Pelley.
00:33:15But did I assert my opinion?
00:33:17No.
00:33:18I listen to Bloody Del like I've listened to him all my life.
00:33:22Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
00:33:30We've got sudden hours to kill.
00:33:35Relax, Denzel, relax.
00:33:38When I was married to Corrine, she was always saying that to me.
00:33:42Relax, Denzel.
00:33:45And I would.
00:33:47Then Del would phone and...
00:33:49I like Corrine.
00:33:52I used to think that if ever I got married,
00:33:55I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
00:33:57Yeah, she was okay.
00:34:00You ever thought of getting married, Trig?
00:34:02No.
00:34:03I haven't met the right person yet.
00:34:05But I've always had this sort of image of my perfect woman.
00:34:11Sort of my dream girl.
00:34:13Yeah, what's she like?
00:34:15Oh, she's nothing to look at.
00:34:17Very plain.
00:34:19Little scar on her chin where she had her walk removed.
00:34:26Want a jelly, baby?
00:34:27Oh, that's Albert, all right.
00:34:46You two haven't a clue, have you?
00:34:48You've led lives of luxury.
00:34:50You don't know what it's like to suffer on the high seas.
00:34:54How's it happens?
00:34:55We do.
00:34:56We've served our time at sea.
00:34:58Where were you?
00:35:00The Falklands?
00:35:01No, I cruised round the Hawaiian Islands.
00:35:03A cruise later?
00:35:04That's not a ship.
00:35:06Kept the water off our feet.
00:35:09You should have been on the Russian convoys with your uncle and me.
00:35:12We had hundred-foot waves.
00:35:14Oh, I don't know.
00:35:15Got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't you?
00:35:18We had storm and tapest.
00:35:20Well, you should have seen our cab ride.
00:35:22We had hail and sleet.
00:35:24We had hail and pace.
00:35:31Sometimes I think about the future.
00:35:34I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor, like my cousin Ronnie.
00:35:39Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
00:35:43What way?
00:35:45Well, there were men.
00:35:46I remember, Ronnie.
00:35:51Do you ever miss when you married Denzel?
00:35:53Well, there's some things I miss.
00:35:57Like to meet a nice woman, though.
00:35:58Yeah, me too.
00:35:59Take her out, give her something to eat.
00:36:01Yeah.
00:36:02Get to know each other a bit, you know?
00:36:05Might like each other.
00:36:07Then who knows, in time.
00:36:11Maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me.
00:36:13Yeah, hang on a minute.
00:36:20Just something I want to know.
00:36:22How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right, managed to end up 30 miles inland?
00:36:30All right, come on, we've got to go.
00:36:31We were sailing in this fotilla.
00:36:35Oh, fotilla.
00:36:37All our way up to Denmark we were, to drop off military supplies to the Royal Marines.
00:36:42Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet, and Albert was at the wheel.
00:36:50Well, we got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching us from the opposite direction.
00:36:57Pretty soon, Gerry spotted us, and Albert, without waiting for orders, threw the ship to port.
00:37:03And five minutes later, we crashed.
00:37:07In what?
00:37:08In France.
00:37:11We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast and ran aground.
00:37:15Well, we were sipping ducks, weren't we?
00:37:18We knew Gerry was on our tail, so we legged it over land.
00:37:23We must have been going for two days and nights.
00:37:26And finally, we ended up here, in this little village, where the people, God bless them, took us in and hid us.
00:37:35Oh, the Gestapo came looking for us, but they never found us until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
00:37:42No kidding.
00:37:43No.
00:37:44No.
00:37:44Now, I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you know.
00:37:50He could sing, he could dance, he could play the piano, and the women liked him.
00:37:57And he liked the women.
00:38:00And during our stay here, how shall I put it, he kept himself busy.
00:38:08I don't believe him.
00:38:10The guarantee of git.
00:38:14Oh, too sweet.
00:38:15Well, it was every man for himself in those days.
00:38:19I mean, there was a war on.
00:38:21I mean, there were hard times, and everybody just grabbed whatever bit of pleasure they could.
00:38:26I mean, there was a couple things in the accident.
00:38:32Oh.
00:38:35I mean, there was a war on.
00:38:38I mean, there was a fumier of anger at all.
00:38:39I mean, there's a lot of people in the hurt.
00:38:42I said, somehow, you can't beイヤ.
00:38:43And he was just asлив as one child.
00:38:44And he didn't know I'd be that bit.
00:38:48But I LORD knew him and the owner would not go two months ago.
00:38:54most of the men were either away fighting or locked up and when they got to hear about
00:39:12albert's shenanigans they weren't best pleased which was understandable under the circumstances
00:39:17so who grasped you out the french resistance one day the ss just turned up and rounded us all up
00:39:26and would you believe it albert with one or two others escaped and made it back to blady
00:39:33excuse me just go to the gents
00:39:38are you thinking what i'm thinking
00:39:46i think i am
00:39:49it's another one look
00:39:56oh god it's like a geriatric village of the damned
00:40:03i don't know about sinclair la chapelle they should rename this place trottersville
00:40:13and when you think of all the other countries he's visited and what he must have got up to
00:40:20america india i bet he he didn't even leave australia alone did he
00:40:25africa middle east do you remember that woman he mentioned he's been putting it about all over the
00:40:30place raquel was wrong it wasn't like captain corelli's mandolin it was more like captain bird's eye's banjo
00:40:39i really don't understand you i mean we could have bought a bottle of duty free wine on the ferry
00:41:00yeah i know but things in here are probably a euro or two cheaper aren't they and we gotta save our money
00:41:07haven't we
00:41:08yeah spicy
00:41:10i don't believe it
00:41:15what's that what's that runny look over there
00:41:18hmm it's only denzel
00:41:20you're having me on aren't you
00:41:22you're right
00:41:24hey hello denzel
00:41:25hey
00:41:27del
00:41:28rod
00:41:29hi
00:41:29fancy meeting you here
00:41:32what i was gonna say what are you doing here
00:41:35well i had a free day and christmas is coming so i thought i'd pop over and get a couple of packs of
00:41:41cheap beer
00:41:41what brings you here
00:41:43oh well we were just coming back from uncle albert's reunion and rodney said as we're passing
00:41:49the warehouse why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of wine
00:41:52didn't you rodney
00:41:54yeah
00:41:55tell me how have you got your truck with you
00:41:59well yeah it's out the back actually why do you ask
00:42:01no it's just i was thinking that we haven't got much room in our little vein
00:42:06and uh i thought well if denzel's got some space in his track
00:42:10okay we could take just you know a couple of extra cases
00:42:14couldn't we rodney
00:42:15yeah maybe
00:42:16oh boy
00:42:18dave
00:42:20oh look it's trigger
00:42:22did you believe it
00:42:23only if i'd been heavily sedated
00:42:26hello shriek what are you doing here
00:42:30you said mia's here at four o'clock
00:42:39i don't believe you sometimes trigger
00:42:42this is a set up isn't it
00:42:44no no no no no no it was just a little surprise for you rodders
00:42:50oh right here we are surrounded by a million gallons of cheap booze
00:42:54denzel's got his truck outside and the nags head's waiting for its cellar to be filled
00:42:58oh you're doing noise down will you
00:43:01oh okay i admit it
00:43:05who's my fault
00:43:07agreed to it
00:43:09agreed to it with who
00:43:12well with me
00:43:14well you shouldn't have i'm running the firm now
00:43:16rodney everyone's at it it's just that we're a bit slow on the uptake
00:43:20i don't believe this
00:43:22and we need the money
00:43:25oh
00:43:25okay but i wasn't looking all right
00:43:31all right well say that you was in the toilet
00:43:33good boy rodney you know it makes sense
00:43:36i paid for it dell
00:43:37they're loading it out back
00:43:39hey hey he's paid for it
00:43:41come on
00:43:42did you see it
00:43:52and
00:43:54that
00:43:54oh my god
00:43:59come on denzel we better help out we haven't got long
00:44:03eh no it's all right tree got plenty of time yeah
00:44:05yeah plenty of time now wait a minute did any of us move our watches forward one hour to french time
00:44:11no
00:44:12no
00:44:13no
00:44:14oh my god we've only got half an hour before the ferry lit you dead stick rodney
00:44:20oh
00:44:22oh
00:44:24oh
00:44:36oh
00:44:37oh
00:44:41oh
00:44:45Voila!
00:44:54So how was Albert's reunion?
00:44:56Oh, yeah, brilliant.
00:44:58Thousands of people were there, weren't they?
00:45:00Oh, yeah, there was thousands and thousands, you know,
00:45:02and there's a fly-pass like that and everything, yeah.
00:45:05Yeah, I tried to phone you, but I couldn't get through.
00:45:07All I meant to tell you, we had a letter yesterday.
00:45:09They've cut the phone off.
00:45:10Something to do with an unpaid bill.
00:45:11Oh, all right, I'll sort it out tomorrow.
00:45:14I'll tell them I couldn't call them because they cut the phone off.
00:45:18Have you eaten?
00:45:19Yeah, on the ferry.
00:45:20Had a quick omelette salad.
00:45:22Dale had a mutton madras and four Irish coffees.
00:45:24Yeah, very nice of us, too, didn't you?
00:45:27It's brilliant over in France.
00:45:28You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to.
00:45:31I said to Denzel, we should have this sort of thing back in Britain.
00:45:34Denzel was with you.
00:45:36Eh?
00:45:39Yes, yes.
00:45:40Yes, he was there.
00:45:41Well, we just bumped into him like, you know, it was a coincidence, wasn't it, eh?
00:45:46Yeah, amazing.
00:45:47Yeah, it was absolutely...
00:45:48Oh, look, ah, look what I got here, look.
00:45:50There, a bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return, all right?
00:45:57I mean, all the arrangements were made with Sid.
00:46:01Dale says to him, keep the pub cellar clear, we'll be back at eight, and what does he do?
00:46:06What?
00:46:07What do you mean, what?
00:46:09You were there?
00:46:10He allowed the brewery to make a delivery.
00:46:13The way that brewery carries on, anyone would think they own a pub.
00:46:16LAUGHTER
00:46:17LAUGHTER
00:46:18Bloody hell.
00:46:34LAUGHTER
00:46:34So let me get this straight.
00:46:38You just happened to meet Denzel in a wine warehouse in France.
00:46:42And did Denzel have his lorry with him?
00:46:44I don't know.
00:46:45He didn't ask.
00:46:46Only I imagine you could get an awful lot of beer on the back of that lorry.
00:46:49And did Denzel follow you back?
00:46:51No.
00:46:52No, he stayed over there.
00:46:53Yeah.
00:46:54Yeah, that's right.
00:46:54He's having a little holiday.
00:46:57Yes, he's having...
00:46:58Oh, look, what I've got in here, I just remembered.
00:47:01Look at that, I got you a French football shirt, son.
00:47:03Oh, brilliant, Dad, can I try it on?
00:47:05Of course you can.
00:47:06Go on, off you go.
00:47:07Here you go, Cass.
00:47:07Look, I got you some special French perfume.
00:47:10Yeah, and look what I got you, sweetheart.
00:47:12There you are.
00:47:12Oh, Del, they're lovely.
00:47:17Yeah, well, they say that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but zircon can be good company.
00:47:29Hello?
00:47:32Del, it's Denzel.
00:47:34Denzel?
00:47:35Well, what's he doing phoning me all the way from France?
00:47:39No, he's down at your garage.
00:47:41I know what you've been up to.
00:47:43Why do you lie to me?
00:47:44Because, darling, I didn't think the truth would do me any favours.
00:47:48We need the money, Raquel, and that is no lie.
00:47:52Well, let me speak to him.
00:47:53Bonjour, Denzel.
00:47:59Chance a lazy.
00:48:03You spreken's a lingo.
00:48:07Spreken's-y the old anglazy.
00:48:10Give it up, Del.
00:48:11We don't speak a word.
00:48:13So what are we going to do with him?
00:48:16Just have to let him go, won't we?
00:48:17You can't just let him go.
00:48:19A stranger on this estate, can you imagine what a gang's will do to him?
00:48:23Yeah.
00:48:24For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda.
00:48:26Oh, straight meat.
00:48:28Yeah.
00:48:29I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?
00:48:36Yeah, no, no, no.
00:48:36Now, Denzel, let's not even find out.
00:48:39We'll just have to drop him off somewhere.
00:48:41And what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill?
00:48:43I'll be all right.
00:48:45They'll take him to that new immigration centre down at Croydon and look after him there, won't I?
00:48:49Yeah, but he was hiding in my truck and that's a £2,000 fine, for starters.
00:48:53Yeah.
00:48:54And some of these illegals can't deal with the police by telling them who brought them in.
00:48:58How do you think us two would fare under British justice, eh?
00:49:02Well, we can't leave him in here all night, can we?
00:49:04Because he'd most probably suffocate or something.
00:49:08We'll have to take him back to the flat.
00:49:10Oh, yeah.
00:49:10What are we going to say to Raquel?
00:49:11We say, excuse me, darling, we've got a bloke here.
00:49:13Don't know who he is.
00:49:14Don't know where he comes from.
00:49:15Make him double egg and chips, will you?
00:49:17You are a plonker, Rodney.
00:49:19Have you got a better idea?
00:49:21At least this way we can keep an eye on him and stop him going to the police.
00:49:25Oh, I don't believe this.
00:49:29Oh, look, you carry on unloading and we'll take him somewhere.
00:49:41So what are we going to say?
00:49:43I don't know.
00:49:43I do not know.
00:49:44We're just going to have to play it by ear.
00:49:46All I know is we've got to get him pugged away somewhere.
00:49:49Look who we bumped into.
00:50:01Aren't you going to introduce us?
00:50:11Yes, yes, yes, sorry.
00:50:16Yes, yes, of course, of course.
00:50:17This, this is Raquel, who is my significant other.
00:50:21This is Cassandra, who is Rodney's wife.
00:50:25And this is Damien, who is my son.
00:50:27And this, and this, this, this, this is Rodney's friend.
00:50:33Yes, yes, this is my friend.
00:50:41Does he have a name?
00:50:43Don't be silly.
00:50:44Of course he has a name.
00:50:45Well, of course.
00:50:46Of course he has a name.
00:50:47Well, his, his name, his name, his name is Gary.
00:50:59Yes, yes, this, this is Gary.
00:51:03Good old Gary, Gary.
00:51:06Nice to meet you, Gary.
00:51:08Hi, Gary.
00:51:10Hi, he's, he's, he's a little, you know, he's a little bit shy.
00:51:15Hey, this, he probably wants to sit down.
00:51:17Rodney, help him to sit down.
00:51:19Gary, sit down.
00:51:19Sit down, good boy.
00:51:20There he is.
00:51:21Look, he's sitting, look.
00:51:21Like that, there he goes.
00:51:24Where do you know him from?
00:51:26Who, Gary?
00:51:27Yeah.
00:51:29Um.
00:51:30Oh, yeah, it was from Rodney's evening school.
00:51:33Yes, yes, from, from my evening school.
00:51:36But I was at your evening school.
00:51:38That's where we met.
00:51:40I don't remember Gary.
00:51:41No, it was just another evening school.
00:51:44When did you go there, then?
00:51:46Well, an evening.
00:51:50Would you like something to drink, Gary?
00:51:55Gary?
00:52:00Gary?
00:52:06Yes, he said Gary.
00:52:07Gary, look at you.
00:52:08This is why he says it.
00:52:10Yeah, Gary.
00:52:11Oh, you killed me.
00:52:12He can't speak any English, can he?
00:52:16What?
00:52:17No, of course, speaking English, well, he's like the talking clock.
00:52:20Once he starts, you can't stop him.
00:52:21Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary?
00:52:29Gary?
00:52:29Oh, my God, he's an illegal immigrant.
00:52:35Oh, shh!
00:52:36Mikel, don't say that, you laddie round this estate.
00:52:39He'll cause a panic.
00:52:41Oh, yes, you've gone illegal.
00:52:44Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
00:52:45I really am sorry.
00:52:46This is nothing to do with us.
00:52:48We found him in the back of Denzil's lorry.
00:52:51Look, we didn't have a clue he was there.
00:52:53He must have snuck in while he was having a coffee.
00:52:55Well, what are you planning to do with him?
00:52:57I don't know.
00:52:58Well, he can't stay here.
00:53:00Well, where's he going to go?
00:53:01Well, what are you suggesting we do?
00:53:02Just sit him down to watch the football?
00:53:04Well, we can't just chuck him out on this estate, Raquel.
00:53:06He'll be a crack addict by the second half.
00:53:08What do I think we might have to do?
00:53:13No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:53:16It's all right, it's all right.
00:53:18No, no, no, look, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, look.
00:53:20A lighter, see?
00:53:21Lighter.
00:53:23Right?
00:53:24Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:53:27Got it.
00:53:28Mm.
00:53:36Mm, mm.
00:53:38Mm, so, two teaspoonfuls of curry paste.
00:53:43Mm, that's one, two, one-fold a pot, Kushti.
00:53:52Yes.
00:53:53I thought I could smell something.
00:53:55Yeah, I know.
00:53:56You can't wait for this, can you, sweetheart?
00:53:58I can.
00:54:00Oh, no, no, you've got to take your time.
00:54:02Take your time with this.
00:54:03Yeah, the longer, the better.
00:54:05Right, I've just got to find out what nationality Gary is, and then hand him over to the organisation
00:54:11that represents his people.
00:54:13But he doesn't speak any English, so how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
00:54:17Well, we...
00:54:18Yeah, good point.
00:54:20Well, where's Gary?
00:54:24Eh?
00:54:24He's having a shower.
00:54:25Yeah, I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
00:54:27I hope you don't mind.
00:54:28Well, you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too, if you like.
00:54:31Ah, things are bad enough for him as it is.
00:54:33Well, Rodney's only gone and...
00:54:38Look at that.
00:54:39Do you know what I'm going to call this?
00:54:40I'm calling this Chicken Trotter.
00:54:44That could be a very apt name for it.
00:54:46Ah, all right, Gary?
00:54:57Well, got him.
00:54:59Yeah, well, you, uh, come and sit down some, all right?
00:55:03Hang on.
00:55:05Oh, my God.
00:55:07He looks like a set of traffic lights.
00:55:10What about you, Daniel?
00:55:12Oh, he probably comes from some war-torn country somewhere.
00:55:15Yeah, he's probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
00:55:20Oh, yeah.
00:55:21Maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
00:55:27No, I mean, he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
00:55:30Dressed in Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
00:55:34Oh, my God.
00:55:35You could have colour-coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
00:55:37Yeah, well, fashion design never was my strong point, Raquel.
00:55:41All right.
00:55:42Here we go.
00:55:43Right.
00:55:44Ah.
00:55:44Ah, very nice.
00:55:46Very, very tasteful, Gary.
00:55:48Yeah.
00:55:49Got him.
00:55:50That's a good boy.
00:55:50Get your laughing gear around that, will ya?
00:55:53Why'd you make him a curry?
00:55:55Well, just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
00:55:58Del, I don't think he's Asian.
00:55:59He's more Arabic.
00:56:00All right, let's pop down to the perfect pizza and pick up a deep pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
00:56:08It's only a ruby.
00:56:10It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab, or an Eskimo.
00:56:13Everyone loves a ruby.
00:56:15Oh, there you are.
00:56:17Oh, there you are.
00:56:18Oh, Gary!
00:56:20Glass.
00:56:21Good glass of water.
00:56:22Gary!
00:56:23Yeah, good boy, good boy.
00:56:24Yeah, give me a glass of water.
00:56:26I want him.
00:56:26Here, I'll take that.
00:56:27You can finish that out there.
00:56:28Gary!
00:56:30Gary!
00:56:31I think maybe the vindaloo might have been a bit hot for the boy.
00:56:36It's the police.
00:56:38I know, it's the police!
00:56:39Oh, this is just great.
00:56:40I'm going to give birth in Hollowale.
00:56:44Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:56:45I don't know, just shh, shh.
00:56:49Hello, who is it?
00:56:50Door boy, it's Boise.
00:56:53It's all right, I need Boise.
00:56:58Well, this is an unpleasant surprise.
00:57:03Rodney!
00:57:03Boise.
00:57:04Good evening, Raquel.
00:57:07May I say you're looking particularly lovely tonight.
00:57:11And you two, Cassandra,
00:57:13you have that maternal glow
00:57:15that only comes from being in the family way.
00:57:19Hello, little man.
00:57:22Do not touch me, better boy.
00:57:27He's a character, isn't he?
00:57:30What do you want, Boise?
00:57:31Oh, a large cognac would be lovely, thank you, Raquel.
00:57:33You'll be lucky, Boise.
00:57:35Here you are, Rodney, cheers.
00:57:37Now, Boise, if you think I'm driving for you tonight,
00:57:40you've got another thing coming, pal.
00:57:41Oh, no, it's not that, Del.
00:57:44I've got a bit of a problem.
00:57:47I've been chucked out of my house.
00:57:50Good for Marlene.
00:57:51She's finally thrown you out.
00:57:53No, Marlene didn't.
00:57:54The police did.
00:57:56The house is full of gas.
00:57:58Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Corby fitted
00:58:01are leaking all over the place.
00:58:04Well, on top of all that,
00:58:05the gas board can't turn it off at the mains
00:58:07because Lenny snapped the handle off.
00:58:11They've evacuated the entire road.
00:58:13Well, Marlene's gone off to her mum's with Tyler,
00:58:15and I was going to check into a hotel,
00:58:19but I left everything in the house.
00:58:21Wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
00:58:24Fire Brigade won't let me back in
00:58:26because it's too dangerous.
00:58:28So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
00:58:30Well, that is bad news, isn't it, Boycey?
00:58:34So what are you doing here?
00:58:35Well, I was in trouble, Del,
00:58:37so I thought I'd go and seek the help of my best friend.
00:58:40But you decided to call in here first.
00:58:44Derek is my best friend.
00:58:45He always has been.
00:58:46Yeah, well, on your bike, Boycey.
00:58:49I'll just leave your bed for the night, Del.
00:58:51I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
00:58:54Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's
00:58:55with your wife and child?
00:58:57Because the batty old mare won't let me in her house.
00:58:59We had a row at that wedding.
00:59:02She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
00:59:06Apparently there was this horrible smell of onion
00:59:09and she blamed me.
00:59:13Can't you stay with Trigger?
00:59:15Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
00:59:18It's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
00:59:21Well, a dentist's got room at his place.
00:59:23Yeah, but he's not there.
00:59:24Nobody knows when he's going to be back.
00:59:25Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
00:59:29No, it's not that, Boycey.
00:59:31It is.
00:59:33No, look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
00:59:35Raquel and I got our bedroom.
00:59:37Cassandra and Rodney got their bedroom.
00:59:39Damien's got his bedroom.
00:59:40Yeah, well, the sofa will do.
00:59:42Oh, well, Gary's sleeping on that.
00:59:44Gary?
00:59:46Gary?
00:59:48Good God!
00:59:49This is Gary.
00:59:50It's Rodney's friend.
00:59:51What happened here?
00:59:52Did he get ready for bed in a power cut?
01:00:01They're your pyjamas and dressing gown, aren't they?
01:00:03You got it in one.
01:00:04Yeah, I should have realised it.
01:00:05Who else could combine lime green
01:00:07and fire engine red and make it work?
01:00:11Well, I've always had an eye for colour, you know me.
01:00:14Derek?
01:00:15Hmm?
01:00:15Could I have a word, please?
01:00:17Of course you can, sweetheart.
01:00:18Huh?
01:00:18Of course.
01:00:19Hi.
01:00:20Hi.
01:00:21Come on, me.
01:00:21Come on.
01:00:33Before you say anything,
01:00:34Boycey is not staying here.
01:00:36We've already got Gary,
01:00:37or whatever his name is,
01:00:38but at least he doesn't speak.
01:00:39Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham,
01:00:42I'll pass up to you.
01:00:43But Boycey is not staying here.
01:00:45Look, darling sweetheart,
01:00:47I feel...
01:00:48Well, I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
01:00:51I was the one that made Boycey's head smell like a shepherd's pie.
01:00:55Good.
01:00:56Hmm?
01:00:56No, it's not good,
01:00:57because he wouldn't have had a row with his in-laws then, would he?
01:01:00And then he would have been staying there.
01:01:01Not only that,
01:01:03there's these log-effect gas fires.
01:01:06Oh, no.
01:01:07You sold them?
01:01:09No.
01:01:09No, it wasn't me.
01:01:10It was Rod...
01:01:11It was Rodney.
01:01:12Rodney, I told him.
01:01:13I said to him,
01:01:14don't sell these gas fires because they're dangerous,
01:01:16but he wouldn't listen to me
01:01:17because you know what he's like, don't you?
01:01:19So, you know,
01:01:21I feel just a little bit guilty.
01:01:22It's only for one night, sweetheart.
01:01:25All right, one night.
01:01:27But if they're not gone by tomorrow evening,
01:01:28then I will be.
01:01:29No, they will be history, sweet.
01:01:31Oh, thank you very much, darling.
01:01:33You are a diamond.
01:01:34Mm-mm-mm-mm.
01:01:35No, it's just a little bliss, darling.
01:01:38All right, Boycey, we've decided
01:01:39you can stay.
01:01:41You can stay on the camp bed.
01:01:43We've got one in the cupboard.
01:01:44Oh, that's perfect, Derek.
01:01:46That's exciting for you, Damien.
01:01:48You're going to be spending the night on the camp bed.
01:01:49No, he is not.
01:01:51Well, he's only a little boy.
01:01:53You always get rid of the kids to make room for the adults.
01:01:55Yes, but in your case,
01:01:56we're making an exception.
01:01:58It's either the camp bed or nothing.
01:02:00All right, the camp bed,
01:02:01it will have to be, anyway.
01:02:03Now, then, here we are.
01:02:05Now, I promise you
01:02:07that you will hardly know that I'm here.
01:02:14Did you make that drink for me, my girl?
01:02:17I'll tell you what,
01:02:18I am starving.
01:02:25Fancy a plate of curry?
01:02:27Lovely.
01:02:28Lovely.
01:02:28Lovely.
01:02:42Used to the white, Gary.
01:02:46Gay.
01:02:47That curry's doing a conger in my colon.
01:02:58I only had one mouthful.
01:03:01You still hungry, Gary?
01:03:03Gary.
01:03:05I'll make us a sandwich.
01:03:06Oh.
01:03:07Do sell-by dates mean nothing to the trotters?
01:03:28I've seen younger items on the Antique Roadshow.
01:03:31Oh, it'll have to be cheese, Gary.
01:03:36Got it.
01:03:46Oh, do you want pick-a-lily?
01:03:50What's the matter?
01:03:51Are you cold, son?
01:03:52Well, get back into bed.
01:03:53Warm yourself up.
01:03:54Go on, go on.
01:03:54That's right.
01:03:55Get in the sofa there.
01:03:56That's right.
01:03:56Don't get back in there.
01:03:57It'll be nice and warm.
01:03:58That's right.
01:03:58That's right.
01:04:01Blimey, you are cold, ain't you?
01:04:07Right, I'll tell you what.
01:04:08Get the suitcase out of the table.
01:04:10You set it up and I'll do the spieling, right?
01:04:12Excuse me.
01:04:12Hello?
01:04:14I'm in charge now.
01:04:16All right.
01:04:17What do you want to do?
01:04:19Well, I'll get the suitcase out.
01:04:20You can do the spieling.
01:04:21That's a good idea.
01:04:22Hello, sweetheart.
01:04:34How are you?
01:04:35One night, you said.
01:04:37Yeah, I know, but what...
01:04:38Four bloody nights, Derek.
01:04:40Four nights I've had them sleeping in the living room.
01:04:42Yeah, all right, all right.
01:04:43I'll have words.
01:04:44Don't worry.
01:04:45And Boycey keeps putting up rotten hair gel on and then having the audacity to complain
01:04:49about the smell.
01:04:51But I can't say anything to him, can I?
01:04:55Otherwise, he will know that it was me but bunning.
01:04:58Oh, there you are.
01:04:59I have good news.
01:05:00The gas board has just given us the all clear to move back into the house.
01:05:04Thank you for being there when I needed you.
01:05:07That's all right, Boycey.
01:05:08You'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
01:05:11I suppose so.
01:05:13Oh, by the way, I'll get that smell sorted out if I were you.
01:05:17You know what?
01:05:18I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your hot air duct.
01:05:22Oh, and do you know that contract I was telling you about?
01:05:24Oh, yeah.
01:05:25Well, I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday in Paris.
01:05:28Oh, good.
01:05:29I want you to drive me there.
01:05:31Make the right impression.
01:05:33So, go and hire us a nice vehicle.
01:05:36Hire a nice vehicle?
01:05:38Well, you've got a showroom full of cars.
01:05:40Yes, but I want one that's going to get us there.
01:05:43It's only money after all.
01:05:45You don't mind if I take your staff away, do you?
01:05:48No, not at all.
01:05:49In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
01:05:52Yes, it'll be a good experience for you.
01:05:54Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire might rekindle a few memories.
01:06:00You are one fresh get, ain't you?
01:06:04Hey, I've had an idea.
01:06:06Why don't we take Gary with us?
01:06:07We can drop him off on the continent.
01:06:09You stupid, Rodney.
01:06:11If we get caught, we'll be the only people in history
01:06:13to get fined for trying to smuggle someone out of the country.
01:06:16You'll have to find him first.
01:06:19I saw him about an hour ago, hitchhiking round the Eiffelton Castle.
01:06:23He's gone.
01:06:24Damien and his mates took him to play football this morning.
01:06:26The last time I saw him,
01:06:28he was in a Volkswagen camper van
01:06:30surrounded by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
01:06:32Oh, well, we did our best for him, didn't we?
01:06:37Yeah.
01:06:38Oh, I suppose you'll see a bit of the world now, won't you?
01:06:40Mm.
01:06:44Can you smell onions?
01:06:45There you are, darling.
01:06:57I told you I'd get it sorted.
01:06:58Yeah, well done, Del.
01:07:00I'll see you back home.
01:07:01Our nice, uncrowded home.
01:07:03OK.
01:07:05Come on in, boss.
01:07:06Let's get selling.
01:07:07It's a van.
01:07:20Yeah, it's all the head.
01:07:21Yeah, they were right out of saloons.
01:07:23Yeah.
01:07:23Yeah, get inside.
01:07:24It's nice and comfy.
01:07:25I don't believe this is happening to me.
01:07:27This is the most important meeting in my life.
01:07:29I'm going in a van.
01:07:32Oh, shut up.
01:07:33Get in.
01:07:33Stop moaning.
01:07:37Let's understand one thing, Derek.
01:07:41We are not stopping any warehouses to load up with beer.
01:07:45Nothing was further from my fault.
01:07:48Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, Rashid Mamoun.
01:07:53Mr. Mamoun was kidnapped over a week ago
01:07:56whilst working at his father's wine warehouse in Sherbrooke.
01:08:00I was loading in the back of a truck when the kidnapper's trapped me.
01:08:07I was taken to an apartment.
01:08:10I have no idea where it was.
01:08:12I was held there for four days and nights by two men and two women.
01:08:18I don't know what language they spoke.
01:08:20Say it in English.
01:08:22Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
01:08:26They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
01:08:28He carried a large knife and his nose smelt it...
01:08:33Beers.
01:08:35Onions.
01:08:37Interpol have launched the Europe-wide search for the criminals behind the kidnap.
01:08:41The only information they have so far is that the organisation,
01:08:44which they're calling the Gary Gang, may have South London connections.
01:08:48Interpol recherche activement les kidnappers dans toute l'Europe.
01:09:10Gentlemen.
01:09:11Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mamoun.
01:09:24Delighted.
01:09:27Please.
01:09:28Please sit down.
01:09:30Please.
01:09:53His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
01:10:00You are happy with the contract, Mr. Boyce?
01:10:15Oh, oui. Extremely.
01:10:18Then we will sign.
01:10:19Oh, thank you.
01:10:22Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mahmood's son, Rashid.
01:10:30Good pen.
01:11:00I came here to sign a contract that would have made me a millionaire.
01:11:10And thanks to you two, I end up getting arrested for kidnap.
01:11:13It's ridiculous. Kidnappers? Us?
01:11:16Boyce, I was wondering, on the way back, do you mind if we stop off at the wine warehouse?
01:11:23Don't you think we're in enough sodding trouble as it is?
01:11:27Are you going to pay Dale overtime, please?
01:11:28No, I am not.
01:11:30Can you smell onions?
01:11:34Shit.
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