- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Look at this. After Turner and Hooch, Tom Hanks went on to win Academy Awards. Hooch did nothing after that movie.
00:08I think he's doing theater in London now.
00:13Hey.
00:14Hey.
00:15Hey, you're back, girl.
00:16Date.
00:17Not good. I should have known going out with one of Allison's friends was a bad idea.
00:21You guys didn't hit it off?
00:23Everything was fine until we started watching Cops and this shirtless guy trying to kick out the back window of a cop car
00:29and I reminded her ex-husband.
00:32Was he in jail?
00:34No.
00:35We were both running the chop shop.
00:39But she's the only one who got charged.
00:42I drove a popular model car and I bounced.
00:46Hey, Sophia.
00:48Can I borrow a bill?
00:49I want to try something on the color copier.
00:55Hey, you're home. How did you like Susan?
00:56Hmm. Hmm. Well, why you two are friends.
01:02Deja que Allison te conecte.
01:04Pero no vas a conocer una buena chica en mi iglesia.
01:07Ah, yeah.
01:08Because God loves it when you use church as an excuse to pick up girls.
01:12Dear...
01:13Please hook me up with some of that sweet booty in the third pew.
01:20Primero...
01:21...que Dios creó el sweet booty.
01:26Segundo...
01:27...que no necesitas conocerla dentro de la iglesia.
01:30Vamos a tener otra reunión de solte...
01:32...sábado.
01:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:35I'm not going to a Catholic singles mixer in the basement of the VF...
01:38Oh.
01:40I'm sorry, Catholic singles mixer?
01:42So, there's going to be single Catholic girl?
01:44It's like hanging out with Sherlock Holmes.
01:49Dude, come on, man.
01:50Knee socks, skirts, I'm going.
01:55Okay, they're adults now.
02:01Look, you're going alone.
02:03In some stank basement with bad decorations...
02:07...while you try to set me up with some girl with a corduroy jumper.
02:12Dude, forget the basement.
02:13We'll have it at the restaurant.
02:14But just so you know, all those hot Catholic girls you're looking for with that pent-up sexual...
02:29Yeah, they're out having sex right now.
02:31The rest of them will be at the mixer.
02:33When I was a little boy, about to hear you five.
02:42My mother said, I'll be the greatest man alive.
02:48I'm a man.
02:50Now I'm a man.
02:56Oh.
02:57Oh.
02:57Oh.
02:57Oh.
02:57Oh.
02:58Oh.
02:58Oh.
02:58Oh.
02:58Oh.
02:59Oh.
02:59Oh.
02:59Oh.
02:59Oh.
03:03Hi, I'm Gloria.
03:09Hello.
03:10I'm usually shy, but when I get to these...
03:13...try to come out of my shell...
03:15Hey, good for you.
03:19What's...
03:19...communing with people through song?
03:23I take it you sing.
03:26Actually, Jesus sings through me.
03:29Oh.
03:32Wow.
03:33That must be hard when you're trying to fall asleep.
03:39So, did you know that St. Joseph is the patron's baby aspirin?
03:46You're funny.
03:51So, do you still rock your little plaid script?
03:57I am so f***ing not trying to set me up with a movie set.
04:02Pfff.
04:03...porque el divorcio y la niña te hace una venta de iSisi.
04:07No, no, no.
04:08Tell it all.
04:09Oh.
04:10Oh.
04:11Esa loca del coro va a correr a Freddy de aquí.
04:15Oh.
04:16Ah.
04:18Did you like that?
04:20That him has 20...
04:22Do you want to hear the second one?
04:24Why the hell not?
04:25Oh, Gloria.
04:25I'm sorry, Freddy.
04:37Damn it, Grandma.
04:38Now I don't get to hear the second verse.
04:47Hello.
04:49Good game?
04:50No, but mixers kind of suck.
04:54Welcome to the club.
04:56So, why'd you hear?
04:57My grandmother.
04:59I'm hiding from her.
05:01Mine, too.
05:02Why are we hiding from old people?
05:07Freddy, where are you?
05:08Oh, Freddy.
05:09I'm Denise.
05:10I babysat Sophia a couple times.
05:13That's nothing.
05:14I babysit both of them now permanently.
05:17Just so fast.
05:19No, no.
05:20But getting Sophia in the tub is a real pain.
05:23I mean, once she gets those clothes,
05:24oh, try to catch them.
05:25Sophia.
05:27Sophia.
05:29Is this Ben?
05:30Well, it's nice to meet you, Ben.
05:34It's nice to meet you, too.
05:35You're even prettier than your grandma.
05:37Oh, well, thank you.
05:39Hope you don't mind if I walk my dog.
05:46All right.
05:48Calm down.
05:48Oh, God.
05:49Oh, God.
05:53Here comes Gloria.
05:54Oh, possibly my moped's A-OK.
06:00Who's she?
06:01This is Denise.
06:03Denise, this is Gloria.
06:06You were flirting with her, weren't you?
06:09Do we need to see the priest again about your lustful heart?
06:13She's talking, baby.
06:15Don't hurt her.
06:18I'm with child.
06:19Beat it.
06:20You know, my husband, Joe, passed away about eight months ago, right?
06:31Yes, God.
06:33So.
06:33Yeah.
06:34Which is why I was wondering, are there like a holy grapher before it's okay to have, um,
06:42love with thy neighbor?
06:44Oh.
06:44I really think you should drop by my office tomorrow.
06:52Hey, whoa, not with you, dude.
06:58All right, go.
07:07Oh, that was a sweet pour.
07:10If I knew Catholic mixers and more beautiful women making kamikaze shots in my head,
07:17I'd have started coming to them a long time ago.
07:21Mrs. Moreno, I haven't seen ages.
07:23Freddy.
07:25Ella es la chica que yo quería que tú conozcas.
07:28I'm sorry, could you move for a second?
07:30You must be blocking some hideous beast my grandma wants to set me up with.
07:35Denise, vienes a cenar el sábado, eh?
07:38Freddy va a cocinar.
07:38Hey, if you ask Denise out for me, I could do it myself.
07:48No, now you're expecting.
07:51Ooh, you've got a little something.
07:52Do you want to go out?
07:54See, I'm surprised.
07:56I'd love to.
07:57Entonces estamos de acuerdo.
07:59Y trae a tu abuelita, así podemos negociar los términos.
08:03Excuse us.
08:03I don't know.
08:04This is not.
08:08Terms?
08:11You already talking to me?
08:12Grandma?
08:13If you don't relax, you're going to scare her away.
08:16¿Ya ves?
08:17¿Ya tienes miedo que te va a...
08:18Ay, Freddy.
08:20Este es amor.
08:20You and me are so cute together.
08:32I know, I know.
08:35We've had the best time all tilted.
08:38Look, your grandmothers are driving us nuts out there.
08:40Can't you talk about your divorce or how you...
08:43Before you got married?
08:45Draw some fire, woman.
08:48Hey, I...
08:48Kind of so...
08:49Side show.
08:50Stop it.
08:51Hey, don't take it out on me.
08:53Just...
08:53You accepted a date with your young...
08:55He's sweet.
08:59I think it'll be fun.
09:00Oh, of course it will be.
09:02He'll pick you up on his unicycle.
09:04Twist your little balloon animal in.
09:08If you play your cards right,
09:09he may kiss you with his wax lips.
09:11Mom, I'm going to bed.
09:17What?
09:17But it's 6.30.
09:19I know, but the grandmothers are pinching my cheeks.
09:21I think the bone's coming through.
09:25Mira, Angela.
09:26Se ven perfecto juntos.
09:28Ay, sí, ya lo sé.
09:30Hace solo una semana y ya no se pueden...
09:32Debieran ir de luna de miel a Puerto Rico.
09:38You know they're not ghosts, right?
09:40We can hear what they're saying.
09:43Be nice to me.
09:44My granddaughter graduated first in her class.
09:47She's beautiful and smart.
09:50Grandma.
09:51She's okay.
09:52Oh, tea.
09:55La escuela es importante.
09:57Pero Freddy tiene un restaurante con mucho éxito.
10:00Enseñale uno lo de sueldos.
10:01No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:04Denise is fluent in three languages.
10:07Eso no es nada.
10:09Enseñale tu barriga.
10:10Ay, ¿sabes qué?
10:12Agarra, si tienes un puñete con toda tu fuerza.
10:14Mira, mira, mira.
10:14Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
10:16Look, Denise and I are going to take a little break, all right?
10:19But you two can punch each other in the stomach.
10:25Yo, Chris.
10:27It's me and Denise.
10:28Hey, I'm in the jacuzzi with Veronica.
10:32Um, I'd invite you guys to come, but I'm afraid you might.
10:37There's no danger of that.
10:40We'll just stay down here.
10:42We won't come up if you don't come down.
10:45If you know what I mean.
10:51What do you mean?
10:55You know what I mean.
10:57No, I don't.
11:01Just stay up there.
11:04Hey, sorry.
11:06She totally believes I'm Catholic.
11:08I have a quick question, though.
11:10Uh, Catholic can be circumcised, right?
11:14Yes.
11:15Oh, good.
11:17Peace be with you.
11:18And also with you.
11:22Sorry about that.
11:24But at least you didn't show us.
11:25Don't worry.
11:28I mean, just because I never had sex doesn't mean I'm completely innocent.
11:34You never had what?
11:37Oh, wow.
11:39You didn't know I was a virgin.
11:41You missed my grandma's announcement at church.
11:46Yeah.
11:47That must have been the one day I wasn't there.
11:51I didn't mean to freak you out.
11:52No, no, no, no, I think it's great.
11:56And truthfully, you're not missing that much.
11:58It's, it's, it's sweaty.
12:02And sometimes, you know, you make a face you're not that proud of.
12:08Ready for lies.
12:09I never had sex because I was waiting until I got married.
12:14But now that I'm 25, and I don't see that happening in the immediate future,
12:19I started thinking,
12:21if the guy's right,
12:23and the time's right,
12:26I should just do it.
12:28Right?
12:28Right?
12:28Uh, just do what now?
12:44Wow, the virgin.
12:46It's really rare.
12:48It's like finding a unicorn.
12:49Yeah, but, here's the thing.
12:57She says she doesn't want to wait anymore.
13:00Oh, no, that's horrible.
13:04Look, she's been waiting a long time.
13:06Okay?
13:07Her first guy should be serious about her.
13:09I, I mean,
13:10I really like her,
13:11but I just met her.
13:13It's a lot of pressure.
13:13Can I play devil's advocate for a minute?
13:18Why not?
13:19If you're pretending to be Catholic to get a girl,
13:21you may actually be the devil.
13:26She's ready to lose it.
13:27It's gonna be with somebody, right?
13:29Why not you?
13:30I mean,
13:31I can't speak for Denise,
13:33but I would be honored to lose my virginity to you.
13:35And I would be honored
13:44if you weren't such a used-up old whore, Christopher.
13:55Reconócelo.
13:56Yo tenía razón.
13:58Es maravillosa.
13:59¿No lo es?
14:00She's great,
14:01but there are some problem areas.
14:05¿Estás tú loco?
14:07Es inteligente,
14:09bella,
14:09católica.
14:10Y el cuento por la iglesia es de que es buena chica.
14:13Yeah,
14:14she told me.
14:15She also told me
14:17she's ready to not be one.
14:19I don't want the responsibility
14:20of being her first.
14:23¿Qué tú crees?
14:24¿Que le vas a cambiar su vida con tu pipí?
14:26Don't talk like that.
14:36Yo he cambiado los pañales.
14:38Yo lo he visto.
14:42You saw a very early version.
14:47Before I throw up,
14:49we're ending this conversation.
14:50How am I supposed to do that?
15:02I mean,
15:02look at me.
15:03You want to do some laundry?
15:04Go.
15:04Freddy,
15:07yo siento esto en mi alma.
15:10Esta chica es para ti.
15:12Si tú la dejas ir,
15:14te vas a arrepentir.
15:19Hey,
15:20I was going to ask Veronica
15:21out this Friday,
15:22but now,
15:23Catholics can't use electricity
15:24after sundown, right?
15:25I've been thinking.
15:34You said you wanted to
15:35lose your virginity.
15:39What's the rush?
15:41Let's wait
15:42and get to know each other
15:43and someday,
15:44if it happens,
15:46it happens.
15:48Freddy,
15:49all I said was
15:49if the right guy came along.
15:52I never said it was you.
15:55I'm kidding.
16:01It's you.
16:05And I think
16:09tonight's the night.
16:11You sure?
16:12Yes.
16:14Okay.
16:16Because there's no backsees.
16:20Freddy,
16:21I'm 25.
16:22I didn't just make the decision
16:23to flip the virgin switch.
16:25I just want you
16:29to understand.
16:30Since this is your first time,
16:33it doesn't have
16:33extra meaning for you.
16:35I really hope
16:36things work out
16:37between us,
16:38but there is a chance
16:40it might not.
16:42Understood.
16:44I guess what I'm saying is
16:46management
16:48is not responsible
16:50for lost or stolen items.
16:55Right.
17:01I know you don't
17:01have anyone
17:02to compare me to,
17:03so I'll just tell you now
17:04I'm fantastic at this.
17:08Thanks for the heads up.
17:10You want to go
17:11to my bedroom?
17:11Yeah, sure.
17:12Bed's great.
17:12Oh, wait.
17:16I should get some candy.
17:28Wait.
17:29The wine.
17:29Oh, I should get
17:40my baby face, Edie.
17:42I envisioned
17:42this baby face
17:43was hot.
17:45Hey, uh,
17:47if you're
17:48in second thoughts
17:49about this...
17:50No.
17:51I want to.
17:53Okay,
17:54forget the baby face.
17:55I know you don't
17:59mean it,
18:00but...
18:01could he just
18:02say I love you?
18:08You could say it
18:10to me,
18:10and I'll hit you
18:11with a ditto.
18:22What happened to you?
18:25Oh, you were
18:25with yo-yo
18:26last night.
18:30He did this trick
18:30called Around the World,
18:32and the journey
18:32ended in a lie.
18:37Listen, um,
18:39while we're on the subject,
18:42I wanted to ask you,
18:44would you be mad at me
18:45if I started dating again?
18:47Why would I be mad at you?
18:49I wouldn't want you
18:50to think I was
18:50disrespecting
18:51your brother's memory.
18:52Oh.
18:54Look, Al,
18:54Joe loved you
18:55very much.
18:56I truly believe
18:57he wouldn't want you
18:57to stop living your life.
18:59Really?
19:00Mm-hmm.
19:00Because lately
19:01I've been having
19:01this dream
19:02where this good-looking
19:03guy keeps asking me out,
19:04you know?
19:05I have to admit,
19:06it feels kind of nice.
19:07Mm-hmm.
19:09And then Joe materializes
19:10in the corner of the room
19:11and starts watching us.
19:14Oh, and you think
19:15that's symbolic
19:15of your guilt
19:16about moving on?
19:17Maybe.
19:19Or it's symbolic
19:20of how much
19:20Joe liked to watch.
19:21I know you're not
19:32going to be
19:33real happy
19:33to hear this,
19:35but I don't know
19:37if I can see
19:38Denise anymore.
19:38just listen.
19:47I like her
19:48a lot,
19:50but she's very confused.
19:52Okay?
19:52And I didn't want
19:53to take advantage of her.
19:55So?
19:56No, I said,
19:57I said goodbye.
19:57Look,
20:06I know you're
20:07disappointed,
20:08but don't worry.
20:10Okay?
20:10There's going to be
20:10other Catholic
20:11Puerto Rican virgins
20:12when I'm ready
20:13to settle down.
20:15You'll never be
20:16ready to sit
20:16head.
20:18Look,
20:19you're handsome,
20:20rich.
20:21You can go out
20:21with girls
20:22the rest of your life.
20:24But I hope
20:24you know
20:25the true love.
20:26You think
20:27I don't want that?
20:29Sam found
20:30the right person.
20:32You're wasting
20:32your time.
20:34Life is
20:34unpredictable.
20:35Death of your
20:36mother is a test
20:37of it.
20:38Is that what
20:39this is about?
20:41Grandma,
20:42I promise
20:43I'll get
20:44before you die.
20:47Your funeral,
20:48the late...
20:49This is your life.
20:52I can't force you
20:53to do anything.
20:56I'm in a sandwich.
21:02Ooh,
21:03double that.
21:05Here's your Bible
21:06back.
21:06Gracias.
21:07Hey,
21:08don't you need that
21:09for your new girlfriend?
21:11No,
21:12no,
21:12she figured out
21:13I was lying
21:13about being Catholic,
21:14so she dumped me.
21:16However,
21:16did she find out?
21:19Well,
21:20she asked me
21:20to say grace
21:21at dinner
21:21and I finished
21:22with liberty
21:23and justice.
21:25I tried to
21:32do it with
21:33an amen,
21:33but that ship
21:34had sailed.
21:37Ow!
21:39Looking good!
21:41Ha ha!
21:43Ha ha!
21:43Ha ha!
21:43Ha ha!
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