- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, I thought you were playing with the girls.
00:06I am.
00:07But they're outside and you're in here.
00:12Well, we're playing Frozen Guy.
00:15You see, I'm frozen, and the only way I get thawed out is by the girls playing in the backyard.
00:22That sounds a lot like Hammock Guy.
00:24No, Cheryl, Hammock Guy, I'm outside, and they play in here.
00:37Are you thawed out yet, Daddy?
00:39Oh, cold.
00:42Oh, play harder, play harder.
00:44Oh, it was so cold.
00:47I'm frozen.
00:55So when are we going to eat?
00:57I don't know.
00:59You better ask your wife, because frozen gal is going to sit her ass down and read the paper.
01:12It's fun playing with the kids, isn't it?
01:14Hey, Ruby, how do you like my new tie for my first day of kindergarten?
01:33It's my first day of kindergarten.
01:35Hey, maybe you're in the same class.
01:38Cool.
01:39Morning, everybody.
01:40Hey.
01:41Hey, Dana.
01:42Hello.
01:43Do I look tired?
01:45More haggard than tired.
01:48Because I was on the phone half the night with our little brother.
01:52Hey, Dana, today is my first day of kindergarten.
01:54I know.
01:55It's so exciting.
01:56What a big girl you are.
01:58I have a vagina.
02:02Me, too.
02:03That means we have to work twice as hard as a man to earn the same money.
02:12Hey, do you girls want to go watch TV?
02:15Yeah.
02:15Yeah.
02:17So, you're on the phone with Andy.
02:19Yeah.
02:20He and Carrie had a huge fight.
02:22She said he broke her hair dryer.
02:23He said it was normal wear and tear.
02:25Fight, fight, fight.
02:25Now she's back in her own apartment.
02:27It's turned into one of those stupid couple fights, like the time you closed a car door on
02:31me.
02:32You told me to shut it.
02:33Why would I tell you to shut the car door when I'm still getting out of the car?
02:37I have no idea what you told me to shut it.
02:40I love it.
02:40Okay, focus.
02:43We love Carrie.
02:44She's great for Andy.
02:46She's smart.
02:46She's sweet.
02:47She's caring.
02:48She's great in that sack.
02:53Andy's got a big mouth.
02:54I don't know.
02:55He told me.
02:56I mean.
02:57All right.
02:57So, what are we going to do?
02:59All right.
02:59How about this?
03:01How about we try to get through today the best we can?
03:05And then try to get some sleep tonight, if we can.
03:11And then in the morning we get up and do the same thing over and over again,
03:17till Carrie and Andy work this thing out for themselves.
03:23Let's ignore Jim.
03:25If we can.
03:26Honey, would you please talk to Andy for me?
03:35You're saying that like a question, but it really isn't, is it?
03:40No.
03:42All right.
03:43I'll talk to Andy.
03:44Will you do something for me?
03:45Anything.
03:47All right.
03:48I got all day to think about it.
03:49Andy, I've been going over your plans for the Patterson house.
03:58Is there a problem?
03:59Well, kind of.
04:01There's no door.
04:02So, unless the Pattersons were actually born in the house.
04:08I'm sorry, Jim.
04:10I'm all screwed up from this Carrie thing.
04:13Thrown up twice already.
04:16Need a Tic Tac?
04:17Okay.
04:23Okay.
04:26Your sisters want me to talk to you about Carrie.
04:29I really miss her.
04:32What are you going to do?
04:34I don't know.
04:36So, we've had our talk, right?
04:38Yeah.
04:38Okay.
04:43So, how did Ruby's first day of school go?
04:45Oh, not good.
04:46When I tried to leave, she ran after me sobbing.
04:49Really?
04:50Yeah.
04:50What happened to the Andy?
04:52Ah, pretty much the same thing.
04:54And then he threw up.
04:57You know, the guy, Mrs. Carrie.
05:01Where did I put the screwdriver?
05:06No.
05:07No.
05:09Sharp.
05:13Here.
05:16You know, I really think we need to get Andy and Carrie in the same room together.
05:25Hey, how about we have a little for dinner?
05:27Great.
05:28You don't need me here for that, do you?
05:32Okay.
05:33Settle down.
05:33Inside voices, inside voices.
05:38So, what did you end up doing with Ruby?
05:40What could I do?
05:41I stayed.
05:43I sat outside her classroom on a tiny little bench until three.
05:47Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
05:49You know what?
05:50It's just her first day.
05:52It's not like she's going to be hanging on to your skirt the rest of her life like me.
05:57All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
06:03Sit up.
06:04Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
06:05Time out.
06:06Time out.
06:08Everybody, time out.
06:10You on the couch.
06:13You on the chair.
06:15Oh.
06:15Oh, yeah.
06:17Someday you're going to beg for five minutes alone in a chair with nothing to do.
06:21Oh, look at us.
06:33Eight o'clock at night and we're Arnie in our pajamas.
06:39Yeah.
06:42You want to have sex?
06:46Yeah.
06:47That's good to know.
06:57Oh, what am I going to do about Ruby?
07:01I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
07:04I don't know, but honey, we got to do something.
07:06Because I can't keep taking the kids to work with me.
07:09I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one?
07:14Gracie.
07:14Right.
07:14She keeps answering the phone.
07:18Hello, I have a bub-gina.
07:23Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
07:28And yet her teacher said starting tomorrow I'm not allowed to stay anymore.
07:31I mean, my daughter is screaming bloody murder and I'm supposed to just leave?
07:35I can't do that.
07:38Then I'll do it.
07:41You're going to take Ruby to school?
07:43Yeah.
07:44Well, yeah, she needs somebody tough.
07:47Somebody who can say adios and walk away.
07:50Oh.
07:51And that's you.
07:52Yeah, that's me, honey.
07:54Come on, let's face it.
07:55It's a scientific fact.
07:58I mean, I read it in an article in Playboy.
08:00Men are better at separating than women.
08:05I mean, look at how many of us walk out on our crying wives.
08:11You know how much strength that takes?
08:14You know, that's interesting because I read just the opposite in last month's issue of Jugs.
08:21Nobody reads the articles in Jugs, honey.
08:29Now, come on, I'm serious here.
08:34Men are tougher.
08:35I mean, honey, I know you did the best job you could, but you got too emotional.
08:40But that's okay.
08:41You're a woman.
08:43That's what we love about you guys.
08:45But in a situation like this, you got to be a rock and walk away.
08:51I'm not leaving.
08:53We let you miss him.
08:54I can stay here.
08:55What's around?
08:56See you in the hall?
08:57It's no big deal.
08:58Oh, what's this about?
08:59Oh, you need support, don't you?
09:01I'm not leaving, baby.
09:03I'm not leaving.
09:04Not about my daughter.
09:05Hey, let's just talk about this for a second.
09:14I hand it to Jim.
09:16He really handled this whole school thing, just like he said he would.
09:19Dishes for the ladies.
09:23For the last couple of days, he's been taking Ruby to school and leaving work to pick up at 3.
09:30What?
09:31Doesn't he show up to work till after 3.30?
09:35He's not coming into work till when?
09:41I must not speak when I'm with people.
09:46Why would Jim be coming into work late every day?
09:50Maybe he's having an affair.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:05What?
10:063 o'clock.
10:08Taking Ruby to school and picking her up to lighten my load.
10:13Jim's ever worried about my load before.
10:17Dana, he's been sitting outside Ruby's classroom.
10:20Just like you did.
10:21Yes.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:23Let's go bust him.
10:24Bust him.
10:24No, no, no, no, no.
10:26This is all mine.
10:30Dana, if you ever get married, you will come to realize that these are the moments you savor.
10:38Cheryl, you said if.
10:43I meant when.
10:47All right.
10:48The embalmers removed the stomach and other organs through a cut in the lower abdomen.
10:56Did that.
10:57They then inserted hooks into the nostrils and pulled out the brain.
11:06Did that.
11:07Oh, hey, girls.
11:11Here.
11:12We didn't do this yet.
11:14Then they stuffed the mummy's mouth with exotic Egyptian stuff, which we now know as corn chips.
11:21Can we stuff your mouth with corn chips, Daddy?
11:28Well, okay.
11:30I mean, we're trying to keep it real and everything.
11:36Okay.
11:37Go get the chips.
11:39Get the big bag.
11:47Hi.
11:51Why are you looking at me like that?
11:54Because I love you?
11:57No, I know that look.
12:00This is not that look.
12:05Maybe it's a look of gratitude.
12:07Well, yeah.
12:09Could be that.
12:10I wouldn't recognize that.
12:14You know, honey, I just never thanked you enough for taking over Ruby's school problem
12:19and handling it so well.
12:21Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
12:23It's no big deal, really.
12:24Sweetie, you seem nervous.
12:26Oh, I'm not nervous at all.
12:27Yeah.
12:29No, I just, I, it's, well, I'm a little nervous.
12:32It's about this dinner tonight.
12:33I want it to work.
12:35I mean, Carrie's so great, isn't she?
12:37You are so cute with your brain sucked out.
12:48Here you go, Daddy.
12:52The big bag.
12:53Oh, Carrie, don't worry.
13:10And you'll be here soon.
13:12All right, Dana?
13:14I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
13:15It's a little noisy down at this end of the table.
13:23He's not coming.
13:25It's over.
13:27I blew it.
13:29Oh, sweetie.
13:36What?
13:43Is there a rule that says you can't eat when someone's crying?
13:48Hey, everyone.
13:49Andy.
13:50Hey, Andy.
13:51Sorry, I'm late, but I had to go to three different stores to find the right one.
13:57I don't want us to fight.
13:58Oh, neither do I.
14:03Oh, my God.
14:05It's exactly like the one you broke.
14:09Well, yeah.
14:13Yeah.
14:14Oh, lasagna, huh?
14:19I got to tell you, Cheryl, your lasagnas, I didn't break it.
14:27Yes, you did.
14:28No, I didn't.
14:29It was normal wear and tear.
14:32Normal wear and tear.
14:34Everything is wear and tear.
14:36I suppose Abraham Lincoln died from normal wear and tear.
14:40Well, he sure didn't die from being used 20 minutes on the high setting.
14:44Huh?
14:45Knock it off.
14:46Knock it off.
14:48This whole thing is upsetting my stomach.
14:51I can't eat.
14:54I mean, I can finish what's on my plate.
14:56I'm worried about dessert.
15:02Come on, you know what?
15:03This is going to be one of those fights you're going to have your entire relationship.
15:07I mean, like Cheryl and I, we still fight about the time she asked me to close the car door on her, and I did.
15:13Jim, for God's sake, why would I ask you to...
15:16You see, she can't let it go.
15:17But we don't break up over it.
15:22You know, we talk.
15:25Communication is the key here.
15:28Honey, you were right, isn't he, Dana?
15:32Hmm.
15:34I can't think of anything we don't share.
15:39Can you?
15:43No, not off the top of my head, honey.
15:47Yeah, well, maybe you need to look a little deeper than the top.
15:53You know, maybe just below the sports scores, but right above the lyrics to Louie Louie.
16:01This is not that look of gratitude, is it?
16:05No.
16:07This is the look of you are totally busted for sitting outside Ruby's school.
16:12Oh, God, all right, all right, all right.
16:17You were so full of it.
16:20You should have heard him.
16:21Women are so emotional.
16:22Men are so tough.
16:23He was quoting Playboy and me.
16:26Look, I got very emotional.
16:28You know, it was hard for me to leave.
16:29I was a big old girl.
16:31All right?
16:32I have to know, like, how did you get Mrs. Carter to let you stay?
16:39Mrs. Carter was my teacher at my old school.
16:43Mrs. School is my teacher now.
16:48Hey, hey.
16:57Oh, yeah.
16:58Uh, here's something you may or may not find funny.
17:10Uh, Ruby doesn't go to Havenhurst anymore.
17:15She goes to Emerson.
17:20What?
17:23Emerson is a very good school, honey.
17:25Well, thank you.
17:34Hey, who wants to go out for ice cream?
17:36Hey, Cheryl.
17:36Thanks, Cheryl.
17:42What flavor do you want?
17:44I think I want to go out for ice cream.
17:48Honey, this lasagna is really good.
17:58Even the burnt pieces.
18:03Jim?
18:05Yes?
18:08You changed Ruby's school without telling me.
18:11Okay, honey, Ruby was hysterical, okay?
18:17Mrs. Carter told me to leave.
18:19I wouldn't.
18:20There was a struggle.
18:24Drinking fountain was inadvertently broken.
18:28They threw me out, and I took Ruby with me.
18:31I mean, what was I supposed to do?
18:32Walk away from a screaming child?
18:34Oh, you do it all the time around here.
18:37Oh.
18:40Honey.
18:41Honey.
18:42Honey.
18:43So, let me get this straight.
18:46Not only have you been lying to me, but my daughter's been lying to me.
18:51Whoa.
18:53Hold it right there.
18:55I did not tell Ruby to lie to you.
18:57All I said was, don't tell your mother, and I gave her some money.
19:07You bribed our daughter to lie to me?
19:10Honey, it was a dollar.
19:11You can't bug anything with a dollar.
19:15What?
19:17What?
19:18Ruby's happy at her school, and so I fixed the problem.
19:22How did you fix the problem?
19:24Ruby still can't stay at school alone.
19:27You're still sitting outside her classroom all day.
19:30It's just a different room.
19:36Hey, honey, I finally figured out what I want you to do for me.
19:43Do it yourself.
19:44Do it yourself.
19:54Okay, baby.
20:04Bedtime.
20:06Is Mommy mad?
20:08Well, yeah.
20:12Kind of.
20:13I'm sorry.
20:14I forgot.
20:15Oh.
20:16Honey, it's not your fault.
20:19But you're probably going to have to give me the dollar back.
20:21No, really.
20:31Honey, I can't stay at school with you anymore.
20:35Can Mommy?
20:37Mm-mm.
20:38Why?
20:40Well, it's kind of like that stone song.
20:42You can't always get what you want.
20:44And what you want is Mommy and Daddy to be around you all the time, like when you were little.
20:50But you can't.
20:53You know, you've got to kind of do some things on your own.
20:57And one of those things would be to stay in school by yourself.
21:02What's the stones?
21:04The Rolling Stones?
21:07Brown sugar?
21:08Jumping Jack Flash?
21:09Anything for the devil?
21:10Oh, baby.
21:16You've got a lot of great music ahead of you.
21:23So.
21:25The dollar?
21:26The dollar?
21:31Good night.
21:35Good night.
21:40I didn't know if you wanted me to do the dishes or not.
22:01So I didn't.
22:02I didn't.
22:03I didn't.
22:03I didn't.
22:28I didn't.
22:30Well, guess it's time for a drum solo.
22:54Oh, wipe out!
23:00Now, we're going to slow it down, little Spice Girls.
23:04Stop right there.
23:06Thank you very much.
23:09I just want a huge...
23:13All right, I was going to tell you about
23:29changing Ruby's school, but it just kind of snowballed, you know?
23:34And then a couple days went by, and it was just...
23:41I could have told you, honey.
23:44Jim, we're partners in this thing.
23:48It's not just you.
23:50I know.
23:55You know, Ruby's going to have days where she's going to be on her own,
24:02and she's going to feel alone and scared, and we're not going to be there.
24:07Next time I was there, and I did the same thing you did.
24:11I mean, you probably wouldn't have broke the drinking fountain, but...
24:15I don't know, honey.
24:24The secret is to hold on to the lockers while they're dragging you away.
24:34You're always smarter than me.
24:45God, you're a beautiful woman.
24:47God, you're a lucky man.
24:52Lucky, you're a lucky man.
25:03Honey?
25:04Hmm?
25:05Why would I ask you to close the car door on me?
25:10Honey, why would I shut the car door on you if you didn't ask me?
25:19I'm not that stupid, honey, if you said close the car door on me, I was trying to be close.
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