- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00everybody people thank you for coming to the first Christmas party at my new place
00:14it was supposed to be a bachelor pad but now I have my family living with me folks
00:19that is a gift that does not come with a receipt they hog the TV they've taken over
00:27the bathroom and thanks to grandma please welcome the entire Christ family
00:34I think what my brother is trying to say is Merry Christmas everyone say Merry
00:42Christmas that was the point of the whole speech and by the way thanks for hiding my
00:48presents right where I could find them go ahead tell Zoe that's stupid please you
00:53hid my presence still can't find them huh no no I can't but you don't know where I hid yours either
01:00yes I do look I didn't want to tell you this but when I hid my presence I saw yours what were you
01:07doing in Chris's bedroom what just happened I just tricked you into telling me where you hid my
01:15present no you did it Freddie Jay glad you could make it neighbor you only invited me so I wouldn't
01:27call the cops I'm just here to see what you've done with the apartment that should have been mine it
01:35could have been yours if you hadn't wasted all your money on spray tans and escorts this is natural
01:42here's a tip women don't need to think you winter in Miami if you're paying them
01:49so what are these wise men doing in the hallway they're on their way to see the baby Jesus
01:56they still can't be in the hall it's against the condo bylaws to have religious icons in the common
02:03areas what do the bylaws say about hiring hookers and looking like an orange Michael Keaton
02:08hey Chris hey elves
02:16just so you know I invited Jay to the party dude I swear to God if he lays one orange finger on my elves
02:24hey Freddie of course look I need you back at the apartment all right Jay's in line for the bathroom
02:33and if he sees you took out the low flow toilets he's gonna report it to the condo board you see you
02:39see I told you not to invite that knob he's just trying to get you kicked out of your place have you
02:45ever heard the expression keep your friends close but your enemies closer no that's good did you come
02:52did uh did you come up with that yes I did it's going in a little movie I'm writing called the Godfather
02:59excuse me miss how much does Freddie pay you I need someone on Thursdays comprende
03:09so you enjoying the party it's okay just looking around come on Jay aren't you tired of looking at
03:23some apartment you're never gonna get oh maybe you should go over to Chris's and look at some women
03:29you'll never get huh hey Roger right I've seen you down in the fitness center remember I dropped
03:37my CD player on the treadmill and it shot back and shattered into a thousand pieces and one of
03:41them got lodged in your calf Sophia I know you are oh I just wasn't sure you recognized me when I
03:51wasn't you know trucking away well nice meeting you see you at the gym
03:59don't stand behind me
04:01oh damn the party already started what time is it it's about nine Tuesday
04:12Friday
04:15were you sleeping in the pantry
04:20I have to since Freddie Sophia and Zoe took the big bedrooms grandma took the small one
04:26so there are five people living in this apartment and one of you sleeps in the pantry I wasn't gonna
04:31share a bed with grandma I haven't slept with a woman since I signed on for that cruise I didn't understand
04:39when I was a little boy
04:45about to hate you five
04:47my mother felt me
04:50the greatest man of life
04:53now I'm a man
04:56now I'm a man
04:59oh
05:01oh
05:03oh
05:04oh
05:05oh
05:06oh
05:07oh
05:08oh
05:09oh
05:10oh
05:11oh
05:14oh
05:15oh
05:16oh
05:17oh
05:18oh
05:19oh don't put him there he's blocking the liquor cabinet
05:21let's move this guy closer to Bethlehem
05:25no no no Freddy
05:27le faltan dos dÃas va a llegar antes del niño ser
05:30don't worry
05:33jesus will forgive them that's kind of his thing
05:37you guys shouldn't leave these out in the hall someone might goof around with them
05:41ahem
05:43esta bien
05:46tan poquita chistoso
05:48hello boys
05:51hey mrs. R
05:53ah we missed you last night at the christmas party you know it's not too late for the mistletoe kiss
05:58unfortunately I'm not coming to you as Dolores Ryerson alluring neighbor
06:04neighbor. I'm coming representing the condo board. A resident is making an issue of the number of
06:10people you have living in your unit. Hey, I have an issue with the number of people living in my
06:15unit. He hates to do this, but according to the Regency Lake Towers bylaws, when someone moves
06:22in for more than 30 days, you have to have them approved. Now, Mrs. Ryerson, there must be
06:31something that Freddy could do with his unit that would satisfy you. He means my apartment unit.
06:43Sometimes, Chris is always an idiot. I am so sorry, but the only way for your family to stay
06:52is to get a petition signed by a majority of the tenants. Jay's the rat, right? Yes. The lesbian
06:59living in your pantry tipped him off. Which brings me to my second order of business. No one can live
07:09in your pantry. You have a week to get that petition signed, hmm? Bye, boys. Bye.
07:21Listen, Freddy, if you're not going to do anything with Mrs. Ryerson, you mind if I pop on it?
07:29Right. Older women's sort of the last thing on my fantasy wish list. Well, aside from Asian elves,
07:37and I checked that bad boy off last night.
07:45Hey! Hail Mary fast! You know, that's your mom, buddy.
07:50Oh, and when they interview the receiver, he's going to think you're dead.
07:58All right, I'm here.
08:00For what?
08:01Family meeting, you called.
08:02Hey, J.C. in the house.
08:07How was the gym?
08:09Did you get physical?
08:10Yes, I did.
08:17I stayed on the treadmill extra long until Roger noticed me.
08:21Yes.
08:23Grandma, Zoe, can you guys get in here?
08:28Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
08:31Are you crazy? Don't sit your sweaty ass on my chair.
08:34Okay, everybody.
08:39A J. reported us to the board because we're in violation of the condo bylaws.
08:43We're not supposed to have so many people living here.
08:45Oh, yo entiendo.
08:46Voy a empacar las cosas de Allison.
08:49Hey, it's about all of you.
08:51The bottom line is this.
08:53Unless we get a majority of my neighbors to sign a petition,
08:56y'all are going to have to move.
08:58Now, until we get this thing taken care of,
09:02Allison's going to have to sleep at Chris's.
09:05What?
09:08Hey, what's going on?
09:10Allison, I know there's a very small window of you actually being awake.
09:16So there's something I need to tell you.
09:18There's going to be a temporary change in your sleeping arrangements.
09:22What are you talking about?
09:23Allison, let's say that you're staying at my place and you answer the door
09:28and there's a naked girl standing there.
09:33What would you do?
09:35Is this a hypothetical?
09:38Not really.
09:41I'd invite her in and offer a glass of wine.
09:43I'll take her.
09:44Let me do the talking.
09:57Sophia, smile.
09:59Zoe, look sad.
10:01Grandma,
10:03show me the face you'd make if you won the lottery.
10:11All right, I think we're all good.
10:14Hi, I'm Freddy Moreno.
10:19Sorry to bother you.
10:20You.
10:21You're the one who steals all the coupon flyers from the lobby.
10:25Everyone hates you.
10:26I told you, old lady, stop following us.
10:29We don't have any change.
10:30I haven't touched any coupons.
10:32Mucha gente luce como yo.
10:42Hi, I'm Freddy Moreno.
10:44Hey, I know you.
10:46You're a restaurant, huh?
10:47I'm a restaurant.
10:49We're like brothers, huh?
10:51Yes.
10:53We all like brothers.
10:54In fact, my brother,
10:56I need you to sign this petition so my family can keep living here.
11:01Absolutely.
11:02Family's important, huh?
11:06You.
11:08Yeah.
11:09You use shopping cart from parking garage.
11:11You never bring her back, huh?
11:13You gave me hernia.
11:15No, I was.
11:16Uh-uh.
11:16It's the woman who takes the coupons.
11:21Allison, what are you doing?
11:22That's a $1,200 bottle of scotch.
11:25Well, looks like I got about a $300 buzz going then.
11:29Can I ask you a personal question?
11:32Shoot.
11:34You seem pretty smart.
11:36What went wrong?
11:40You mean besides my husband getting hit by a bus
11:42and the IRS taking my house?
11:44Yeah, in general, you seem nuts.
11:48Well, you know, I feel nuts,
11:50but in order to get drugs for it,
11:51you gotta call it depression.
11:55Now, so what does that feel like?
11:57You feel like you have no real purpose in life,
12:00so you try to fill the hole with things like
12:02shopping and drinking and binge eating.
12:07Oh, my God.
12:13What?
12:14I'm depressed.
12:17Great.
12:18Finish your ice cream and let's go shopping.
12:21No, seriously.
12:23Think about it.
12:23I do all the things you just said.
12:25This whole time, I thought I was having fun.
12:28I've just been depressed.
12:31I've got so much to do.
12:33I've got to go buy black clothes
12:34and got to stare outside at the rain
12:38and download some Tracy Chapman.
12:42You know what?
12:43Maybe I'll start a blog.
12:47Hopefully we'll have more luck
12:48now that we got rid of the Grinch
12:49who stole everything.
12:57Can I help you?
12:58Yeah.
12:59I'm having a bit of a problem
13:01with the bylaws.
13:02It's my family.
13:03Hold on a second.
13:05It's you.
13:06You're the perfume girl.
13:09I'm sorry?
13:09Your perfume stinks up the elevator every morning.
13:12What do you do?
13:13Just dump it on the floor
13:14and roll around in it?
13:14I'm sorry,
13:18but I have to overspray
13:19because I have a very specific body chemistry.
13:23Yeah, well,
13:23you're killing the rest of us.
13:25After 20 years,
13:26I had to start using my inhaler again.
13:32Oh, wait.
13:33This is Roger from the gym.
13:35Let me handle this one.
13:36Hey, Rog.
13:50We need to ask you a favor.
13:52Could you sign this petition
13:53so I can keep living in the building?
13:55No, thanks.
13:57Why not?
13:59Because I can't stand her.
14:02Hey, I'm standing right here.
14:03That's how much I can't stand you.
14:06You have no gym etiquette,
14:07you never wipe off the machines when you're done,
14:09and you hog the treadmill.
14:13Please sign, sir.
14:15I need a building with an elevator.
14:17I have no knees.
14:26And this little monster
14:27is constantly rollerblading in the lobby.
14:29I had to jump out of the way,
14:31and I nearly tore the stitches in my tummy tuck.
14:33You had a tummy tuck,
14:34but you left your face like that?
14:36If you'll just shut the door,
14:40I'll start beating her.
14:43You are awful, awful people.
14:48In less than six months,
14:50you've managed to get 54 floors
14:53of my neighbors to hate you.
14:56No, no, it's you.
15:02It didn't matter what you did
15:04when you were living in your own houses,
15:06but you live amongst people now.
15:09So you have to act like people.
15:16I've got a problem.
15:17You've got a problem?
15:18The entire building wants my family to move out.
15:22Yeah, well, my blog is getting no hits.
15:27I'm sad, and nobody cares.
15:30What are you talking about?
15:31I have depression, Freddy.
15:34Allison told me all the symptoms.
15:36I like to shop, I like to drink,
15:38and I like ice cream.
15:39We all do those things,
15:42and we're not depressed.
15:44Yeah, but I have no purpose in life.
15:47Tienes razón.
15:50Look, you're looking at this the wrong way, all right?
15:52People look at you and go,
15:54ah, he got everything handed to him.
15:55It's not fair.
15:56Then they feel bad about their lives.
15:59See, you're not depressed.
16:00You're depressing.
16:01So what are we going to do?
16:05I don't know.
16:07I got to find some way
16:09to get all my neighbors
16:10to forgive the cast
16:12of the witches of Eastwick.
16:21You know that little red button in the elevator?
16:24It's not a lighter.
16:31I also want to apologize
16:37for my aggressive fundraising techniques.
16:39Now, I know $20 is a lot for a candy bar,
16:41but it went to a good cause.
16:43And as an added bonus,
16:45anyone who purchased more than five of them
16:46can ride the mountain bike I won.
16:49But how do you ride bike with no knees?
16:56Having to suck up dinner for the tenants
16:58was a great idea.
16:59Look, I'm getting a lot of signatures.
17:00Hey, did you apologize
17:02to the people at the health club?
17:03No, not yet.
17:05I figured I'd start with Roger.
17:06Good, good.
17:07If you sell him,
17:07you'll sell the rest of the gym rats.
17:09Now, when you apologize,
17:10be sincere.
17:12Be honest.
17:13If that doesn't work,
17:14you rubbed him boobies on him.
17:18Look, I got this, all right?
17:20You just go rub your doodle
17:21on Mrs. Ryerson.
17:28I can't believe
17:29you're not depressed anymore.
17:31I know.
17:31I looked depression up online,
17:32and one of the major symptoms
17:34was low sex drive.
17:36That's not me.
17:40Well, can we still shop
17:41and drink and binge eat?
17:43Of course we can,
17:44as long as we both know
17:46that I do it because it's fun
17:47and you do it because you're sick.
17:49Merry Christmas.
17:52Merry Christmas.
17:54And I'm sorry I was so inconsiderate
17:56at the gym.
17:57Just so you know,
17:58the reason I was spending
17:59so much time on the treadmill
18:00was, um,
18:01I was kind of hoping
18:03that you'd notice me.
18:05I didn't know that.
18:07That's okay.
18:08So if you could just sign this,
18:10it'd really mean a lot
18:10to my family.
18:14Need a pen?
18:25What are you doing?
18:26Oh, nothing.
18:26Did you like it?
18:29I'm just,
18:30I'm gonna go.
18:30People,
18:46I'm guilty
18:46of everything you say.
18:57Grow up poor,
18:59worked hard for everything I got,
19:00wanted you to understand.
19:11Loves you.
19:13Loves you.
19:15You're her favorite.
19:20Uncle Freddy,
19:21everybody's in signing.
19:25A lot of blank spaces
19:26on that page.
19:27Sucks moving in the winter.
19:30I don't believe this.
19:33I give you people
19:34a free gourmet meal.
19:35My family apologizes
19:37for their behavior
19:37and there's still
19:38not enough boats.
19:40You know what?
19:41Screw this.
19:42Maybe we don't want
19:43to live there.
19:44Freddy.
19:44Wait, no, no, no.
19:45So what if I waited
19:46two years for that place
19:47and now I gotta move
19:48my stuff out
19:48six months later?
19:49Who cares
19:50if I've been looking
19:51at that building
19:52since I was a kid,
19:53dreaming
19:53that someday
19:54I would live there?
19:57I'll move.
19:58No, no, Freddy,
19:59that's not fair.
20:00Okay, we'll move.
20:01Now, Sofia,
20:02I don't want to live
20:03anyplace
20:03where my family's
20:04not welcome.
20:05I'll take your place.
20:07Yeah, I'm sure you will.
20:09You've been trying
20:09to get my apartment
20:10from me
20:10ever since I moved in.
20:11Why is your maid
20:18yelling at me?
20:19That's not my maid, pal.
20:20That's my grandmother.
20:21Oh, hey,
20:22there's a new one.
20:22The Puerto Rican
20:23tried to move
20:23his whole family
20:24into the place.
20:26Mr. Stanhope
20:27speaks for himself,
20:28not for the condo
20:29association.
20:30Anyone who doesn't
20:31want to get sued
20:32by the Morenos
20:33and would like to allow
20:34them to stay in the building,
20:35raise your hands.
20:38My laws are satisfied.
20:39Your family may stay.
20:41Congratulations,
20:41Mr. Moreno.
20:46Hey, Jay.
20:48Thanks, buddy.
20:50Feliz Navidad.
20:54Feliz Navidad.
20:56How could you lose
20:57the baby Jesus?
20:58I didn't lose it.
20:59Last time my son
21:00me was in the closet.
21:01We've got to find him
21:02before Grandma comes in.
21:08Ooh.
21:09Hey.
21:17What are you doing
21:18with him?
21:19What?
21:20Dude, you want to
21:20take a picture with Santa?
21:21We went to the mall,
21:22it was crowded,
21:22we had to go to another one.
21:23It was a whole thing.
21:25Here she comes.
21:26Papito Ledo.
21:38Looking good.
21:43Ha, ha, ha.
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