- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Come on, Grams, I'm trying to write something here.
00:09Can't you watch your novellas in your own room?
00:19Grandma, this is a plasma.
00:23If you kick this TV, it will suck you into another dimension.
00:30Continue what you're doing, but do not move or speak.
00:36I say this cologne is unisex, but I don't think so.
00:40Let's test it.
00:45No, you smell like a stripper.
00:48Allison, that's just gonna confuse him.
00:50Now he's gonna be turning around all day trying to find her.
00:55And the winner of the annoying contest is...
00:58Hey, it's a tie!
01:00So, what you doing?
01:03Uh, the Sun-Times asked all the top chefs in Chicago for a quote on new food trends.
01:08Ooh, let your sister-in-law help.
01:11Before I had a breakdown and quit advertising, I had a breakdown and quit the publicity business.
01:16Well, the breakdown thing scares me a little, but I love that you're a quitter.
01:22Uncle Freddy, can you help me?
01:24Not now, Joe.
01:25I got, like, five minutes to finish this thing or I won't be in the paper, so I really can't be interrupted.
01:31Okay, when I was going to private school, I just wore uniforms.
01:35But now that we moved in here and I'm going to public school, I need my own style.
01:38Sis?
01:39Freddy's busy, honey.
01:42Let me help.
01:44Hey, that girl's got a cute outfit.
01:47That's Clay Aiken.
01:52Mom, you've learned enough work to do.
01:54You know what, Sofia?
01:57Your daughter's over here at Malding saved me, so just let me do it.
02:00Come on, honey.
02:03Freddy!
02:05Grandma Marina, where's Freddy?
02:10Oh, no, Dios mÃo!
02:12El cura Jorge ya fue y le embarazó a Sonia!
02:16It's a beautiful language.
02:19Really.
02:21Freddy, check this out.
02:23You know how the Food Channel's launching their own magazine?
02:25Yeah.
02:26Last night, I'm at Liquid Lounge, and I see this girl with a juicy booty.
02:30Anyway, it turns out that she works for the magazine,
02:34and they're going to write a review of our restaurant in the premiere issue.
02:37Nice.
02:38That's national exposure.
02:39Hey, Freddy, that's great.
02:41Exactly.
02:42Now, get over here and get some of this, please.
02:44Okay.
02:46Chris, you can't do that every time I get excited about something.
02:49Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
02:51I'm sorry.
02:51I made you sad.
02:53Come here.
02:54Oh.
02:55Chris, give it up, man.
02:57All right, look, look.
02:58We've got advance notice.
03:00I can put together a special menu, have my best waitstaff one.
03:03Uh, when's he coming?
03:04I don't know.
03:05What's his name?
03:06No idea.
03:06So the only thing we know for sure is that some girl has a juicy booty.
03:13Chris, just call this girl and find out more details.
03:16I can't.
03:17Why not?
03:18She had really big gums.
03:21No, she smiled, and it was like gums and more gums.
03:25I kept waiting for teeth to start, and they just wouldn't.
03:27So you won't help the restaurant you're an investor in because of gums?
03:32Don't you know what big gums on a girl means?
03:37Freak in the sack.
03:38I'm almost positive that's a lie.
03:46But I can't take that risk.
03:47I'll call it.
03:47Order!
03:58Adam, that soup's supposed to have a dollop of creme fraiche.
04:02You're killing me, man.
04:03This is how you talk to your mentor?
04:05I'm sorry, okay?
04:06This whole food critic thing's freaking me out.
04:08Oh, it should.
04:10What do you think it was that destroyed me?
04:13It was the damn critics.
04:14No, what destroyed you was using your customers' credit cards to pay off your bookie.
04:20There's a lot of things.
04:25Hey, just talk to Gum Girl.
04:29Critic's coming tomorrow night.
04:31I got the critic's name, too.
04:34You're not gonna like it.
04:36Walter Fishbane.
04:38Oh, my God, you're kidding.
04:40Who?
04:40The guy from high school you beat the crap out of for having sex with Sophia.
04:44That guy wanted to become a food critic and you didn't know?
04:51Haven't you heard of talking after sex?
04:55I mean, what did you do?
04:56Jump on your bicycle and pedal home?
04:58When I was a little boy, about to hate you, bye.
05:08My mother said I'd be the greatest man like.
05:14Now I'm a man.
05:17Now I'm a man.
05:18Now I don't know what experience you've had with other clothes stylists,
05:35but I'm gonna be frank.
05:36When I look at you, I just see generic child.
05:39I know, but inside, I'm actually very exciting.
05:45Unfortunately, at your age, what's inside doesn't matter.
05:50Grandma, I got a problem.
05:53I need to talk to you before Freddy gets up here.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56Hey, my God.
05:58You know, girl, that for you, he's going to get us out of here.
06:02How did we get the blame to him?
06:05Listen, do you remember Walter, the boy Freddy beat up in high school for taking my virginity?
06:10Mm-hmm.
06:13Well, the truth is, I never had sex with him.
06:14But Freddy still thinks I did.
06:22And now Walter's a food critic, and he's gonna give Freddy a bad review
06:24unless I tell Freddy the truth and he apologizes.
06:26Well, I can't, because after I didn't have sex with Walter,
06:30I did something way worse.
06:32Don't give up.
06:34Maybe if you wear a beard, Fishbane won't know it's you.
06:37Oh, I know.
06:38Maybe if I go as a dumbass, he'll think I'm you.
06:40Freddy, I've been thinking.
06:56Why don't you let me talk to Walter?
06:58What could you say that'll make it any better?
07:00Well, I can apologize for what happened.
07:02If you talk to him, you're just gonna blow up.
07:03You are not apologizing, okay?
07:05Look, I beat him up.
07:07I'll apologize.
07:09But he doesn't deserve it.
07:11He took advantage of you.
07:13He blew you off.
07:14And then, he doesn't even have the guts to admit he had sex with you.
07:17Oh, my God, I want to beat him up again right now.
07:21Okay, you can talk to him.
07:24Thank you for not being an idiot.
07:26What a great sister.
07:27Come here.
07:35It's 9.30.
07:36Where is he?
07:37The new waitress is hot.
07:40Now, as an investor, I partially own her, right?
07:46Still worried about that critic?
07:49Yeah.
07:50What does it matter?
07:51It's not about the artistry of cooking anymore.
07:54It's all about style and being pretty and getting famous.
07:57I'm not talking about you.
07:58It's about youth and great hair and fancy blue jackets.
08:02Again, not you.
08:04Excuse me.
08:07Do I have a reservation?
08:09Fishbane?
08:10Oh, my God.
08:12Walter?
08:14Sophia?
08:14Oh, wow.
08:15What a surprise.
08:16I'm surprised as well.
08:18I in no way expected you to walk in here tonight.
08:22God, it's great to see you again.
08:24You look terrific.
08:26What are you doing here?
08:27Oh, my brother's the head chef.
08:29Um, I don't know if you remember him.
08:31About six feet tall, really hard fists.
08:33Yeah, uh, about that.
08:36Look, I'm really sorry.
08:37It was a big misunderstanding, and I know Freddie feels bad about it, too.
08:41Hey, ancient history.
08:42Totally forgot.
08:44God, I'm so glad to hear that.
08:46It's fair.
08:47I read this way.
08:51Um, you know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you really grew into your ears.
08:58I had them pinned back.
09:02Oh, well, they did a really good job.
09:04And I would know, being a single girl in medical school, which is what I am.
09:12That's funny.
09:12My fiancé is in medical school.
09:14So is mine.
09:17I thought you were single.
09:24Ah, damn.
09:25I think his nose is still crooked.
09:28You may not have helped the nose, but I think you've flattened his ears.
09:33What did he say?
09:34He forgives you.
09:35He's moved on.
09:36And we both have fiancés in medical school.
09:40It's great that you did that, but I don't feel right about this.
09:43I should go apologize to him face to face.
09:46No, Freddie, no.
09:55Hey, Walter.
09:56Freddie, hey, how are you?
09:58Good, good.
09:59Sophia told me you were out here.
10:02I haven't seen you since...
10:04Since the beating?
10:08What?
10:08That's not true.
10:09I saw you in court.
10:10Huh?
10:10Listen, I just wanted to tell you in person, I am really, really sorry about all that.
10:23Hey, that's not necessary, but thank you.
10:25Apology accepted.
10:26I'm glad we're okay.
10:28I mean, we were kids.
10:29The whole thing was just stupid.
10:31Yeah.
10:31I mean, it was so long ago, it's hard to remember who hit who.
10:37It's pretty clear in the police report.
10:44Anyway, glad we cleared the air.
10:47I feel much better.
10:49People make mistakes.
10:50Thanks.
10:50Just so you know, the thing that bugged me was the fact that you denied it.
11:05I denied it because I didn't do it.
11:08Come on, man.
11:09We're adults now.
11:10You can admit you took my sister's innocence and threw her out like garbage.
11:14I never had sex with your sister.
11:20Walter, you're making me mad now.
11:24Well, I'm just saying, nothing happened, all right?
11:27If I had done it, I would tell you.
11:30You didn't tell me you were a food critic, did you?
11:32Did you?
11:33Hey.
11:34What the hell are you doing?
11:35What?
11:35He still wouldn't admit he had sex with you.
11:37Because I didn't, but if you want to go, I will go.
11:39He's telling the truth.
11:41Okay, I asked him to have sex with me, and he turned me down.
11:45Yeah, right.
11:46A teenage guy would turn down sex.
11:48I don't know.
11:48I was a dork.
11:50He probably just wasn't interested.
11:52No, it wasn't you.
11:57I didn't have any grass on the field.
12:10Come again?
12:11No shag on the carpet.
12:16No chia on the pet.
12:23No toupee on the Burt Reynolds.
12:26Look, I was a late bloomer, okay?
12:29It happens.
12:30This isn't going to affect the review, is it?
12:45Grandma, prepare yourself.
12:56Zoe's new look.
13:02Huh?
13:03Ta-da!
13:03Chris said I could use his credit card.
13:15It was in his mailbox.
13:17He wasn't even using it.
13:17Grandma can be bought.
13:29Plasma.
13:33Let's go measure your wall.
13:34Guys, come on.
13:38Fishbane is not worth fighting over.
13:40Why didn't you tell me?
13:41You let me beat up an innocent, hairless boy.
13:47Freddie, I would have told you, but you'd already beaten him up.
13:50I think you should have stayed out of it anyway.
13:52It's not your business.
13:53You're not my father.
13:54We didn't have a dad.
13:56But if we did, he'd have beat the crap out of him, too.
13:58That's just how our family gets down.
14:02Yesterday, Grandma kicked Tony Danza, and he was in a TV.
14:06Okay, you meant it, well, so can we drop it now?
14:16Walter said he's going to give you a great review.
14:19You're still not being straight with me.
14:21I mean, if you didn't have sex with him, why'd you check it off your list?
14:25What list?
14:26Wow.
14:27She made a list.
14:28Things to do before I go to college.
14:30And there was a big check next to Lou's virginity.
14:33It was right between make sexy mixtape and apologize to Christ.
14:38I checked it off because I assumed he'd have sex with me.
14:42No, no, no, no, no.
14:43I know you, and you don't check something off until you've done it.
14:47If you didn't have sex with Fishbane, who was it?
14:50Look, you don't know him.
14:51It doesn't matter now.
14:52If I don't know him, why don't you just tell me?
14:54Look, I didn't want to go to college a virgin, okay?
14:57I was upset, and this other guy kept telling me what a jerk Walter was to reject me
15:02and how pretty I was and how grateful he'd be if I had sex with him.
15:06I mean, he was begging.
15:09And he kept trying to hug me, and, ugh, I was disgusted with myself afterwards.
15:26Chris?
15:26Chris, yeah, what do you need, buddy?
15:31You want to tell me something?
15:34Whoa.
15:37Whoa.
15:37This is going to be her word against mine.
15:42But the proof of my innocence is as solid as this door.
15:50Uh, Freddy.
15:57I'm sorry I lied.
15:59We're cool.
16:00You had sex with Chris.
16:01That's punishment enough.
16:14Chris, you better let me in.
16:15No.
16:19You're out of control right now.
16:20I'm not letting you in until you calm down.
16:26Dude, I swear to God, you come at me, I'll take my clothes off.
16:29I know you're not going to fight a naked guy.
16:33You kept this from me for 14 years?
16:36And you said that I couldn't keep secrets.
16:37Sophia came to me all upset, all right?
16:41She just wanted to get it over with.
16:43Why didn't you tell me?
16:44I mean, you let me beat up another guy.
16:46I tried to stop you.
16:47You held his arms.
16:50We were kids.
16:51It was fun.
16:53You know what?
16:55The thing with my sister is creepy, but I can get past it because I know she finds you
16:58sexually repulsive now.
17:01Right.
17:04So we're good?
17:05No, Chris, we're not good.
17:10I thought we didn't keep crap from each other, man.
17:16Freddie.
17:16Go home, Chris.
17:18Just let me talk, okay?
17:23Partly I never said anything because Sophia told me not to.
17:26But the main reason is that you're my best friend.
17:29We're not just friends.
17:31You're like my brother.
17:31I know, and since I never talked to my own relatives, I always considered you guys to
17:36be my family.
17:39I was just afraid that if you found out I'd lose that.
17:42Then I'd have nothing.
17:46Except for giant piles of money.
17:47All right, well, um, I'm sorry it had to end this way.
18:00So I'm, I'm, I'm going to go.
18:04Forever.
18:08Now.
18:08Oh, hey, grapes.
18:21Mmm.
18:27So to sum up,
18:28promise Sophia I wouldn't say anything,
18:33didn't have a family of my own,
18:36considered your family mine.
18:37God bless.
18:47Beth Lindstrom.
18:51My junior prom date?
18:53What about her?
18:54I had sex with her.
18:57At the prom.
19:02That hurts.
19:04But I deserved it.
19:05Rachel Fletcher.
19:11In your den.
19:15Christine Mayer.
19:17Amy Becker.
19:18Kelly Phillips.
19:19Jackie Pignon.
19:21Carla Washington.
19:23Is this helping?
19:24A little bit, yeah.
19:26Freddie.
19:27Look, I just...
19:28Oh, hey, Chris.
19:32Hey.
19:33Well.
19:35I'm just gonna...
19:36leave you two to your...
19:40hmm.
19:40Awkward creepiness.
19:41Yes.
19:48Look, Sophia,
19:50I, I know we never talked about this
19:53since it happened
19:54and it made you uncomfortable,
19:57but it really meant a lot to me.
20:01I wasn't disgusted with you.
20:03I was disgusted with myself
20:05for having sex with you.
20:08Don't apologize.
20:12You know, it was my first time, too,
20:14and it really changed my life,
20:17but it...
20:18left me with a lot of issues.
20:20I'm not sleeping with you again.
20:21Okay.
20:23Sorry.
20:27I'm just gonna go.
20:29Forever.
20:32Now.
20:32Sorry.
20:33Just to sum up.
20:43Uh,
20:44had sex with you.
20:46You were my first.
20:48Loved it.
20:51Bye, Chris.
20:51Bye.
20:54Hey, you know,
20:55uh, Freddie says he's cool with it now.
20:57No, I am not!
20:58Looking good!
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