- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Hey, did you figure out what you want at the auction?
00:05Did I?
00:06Right here.
00:08I'm bidding on Muhammad Ali's ring towel from the Rumble in the Jungle.
00:13Ooh, I didn't see that.
00:16It's mine.
00:18When I was a kid, I watched this tape of Ali's greatest fights over and over so I could learn all his moves.
00:24Then Sophia taped Little House on the Prairie over it so I took her out with a body blow.
00:28Ow!
00:30Oh, dude, check out what I'm getting.
00:36There's only three of them in the world. They're very rare.
00:39The mariachi suits from the Three Amigos?
00:43Yeah.
00:44Bold choice.
00:45Yeah, I gotta have one.
00:47What are you gonna do, display it in a glass case?
00:52Oh, you're gonna wear it, aren't you?
00:55Yeah, of course. All I need is two friends to get the other ones.
00:58Uh, you can't, though. You're Latino. The Amigos were white.
01:04I just can't win in your gringo world.
01:06Why would anyone bid on a dirty towel?
01:11Hey, it's not dirt. It's Muhammad Ali's blood.
01:15And they know it because it's type A.
01:18I thought it was type B.
01:19Yeah, I'm checking it out online.
01:23I'm not paying that kind of money for George Foreman's blood.
01:27Oh, you're just mad because I made a better sandwich on his grill than you did at your restaurant.
01:31Hey, Chris, I need to ask you a favor.
01:36What?
01:37Can I borrow $5,000?
01:42Here.
01:44Thanks.
01:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you need that for?
01:49Stuff.
01:50Oh, okay. Sorry.
01:51Don't worry, I'm gonna pay you back.
01:54Whoa, wait, wait, hold on.
01:56You don't have a job and you live in the pantry.
01:58How are you gonna pay me back?
02:01Okay, I wasn't gonna pay you back.
02:04I guess I could do something for you.
02:06What do you need?
02:07Well,
02:08ah, my maid quit.
02:11She just bought a condo in South Beach.
02:14I think I was paying her too much.
02:15Double whatever you were paying her and I'll clean your house.
02:20Okay, but it's only because my laundry's piling up.
02:23Oh, and, uh, you know, I paid her a lot because she worked naked.
02:29Really? Olga?
02:31I know.
02:32It was a little awkward during her pregnancy, but...
02:38Dude, we're all good.
02:40It's definitely Ollie's blood.
02:42Nice.
02:42And did you know Danny Bonaduce is a universal donor?
02:48But who would want his organs when he's done with them?
02:54Zoe, there's no way I'm buying you a $300 cell phone.
02:57Do you know how much money that is?
02:59With this one, I can go online and instant message my friends.
03:01You mean boys.
03:02Hey, Zoe.
03:04Tú sabes lo que hacÃamos cuando yo tenÃa tu edad.
03:06Nos inclinábamos de la ventana y gritábamos.
03:09Si alguien regresaba el grito, te casabas con él.
03:12Mom, I need that phone.
03:18What if I got kidnapped and I was gagged and bound?
03:22If I wriggled one hand free, I could texture the location of the abandoned well they're hiding me in.
03:27Well, maybe you were asking for it, walking around with that fancy phone.
03:31Hey, Zoe, come here.
03:37Check out all the cool stuff I can buy, because I'm rich.
03:41There's a cell phone in there.
03:44Hey, what's the matter?
03:44Your phone break?
03:45No.
03:46All my friends have these cool new phones and Mom won't get me one.
03:49She says there's nothing wrong with this one.
03:51Check it out, Chris.
03:57It's like the Flintstones cell phone.
03:59Yay!
04:00I know.
04:01It's totally lame, but Mom doesn't get it.
04:04Zoe, when your mom won't get you something, are you supposed to complain about it?
04:09No.
04:10What are you supposed to do?
04:13Come to Uncle Freddy's so you can buy it behind her back.
04:16Good girl.
04:18Now, look.
04:19I'm busy with the soup kitchen stuff and the auction tomorrow, so we gotta get it today.
04:24Now, which one do you want and where do we get it?
04:26This one.
04:28But I should tell you it's 300 bucks.
04:30Whatever buys your happiness, sweetie.
04:35Mom says you can't buy happiness.
04:36Take a look around this apartment.
04:43Do I look sad to you?
04:46No.
04:47Exactly.
04:47And that's why you're gonna get that phone.
04:50I worked hard for my money, and it makes me happy to buy you stuff.
04:53But use the other one around your mom.
04:56You got a good place to hide the new one?
04:58Yeah.
04:59I'll put it in the Prada purse.
05:00That I don't have under the cashmere sweater.
05:03That you didn't buy me.
05:06Oh, damn.
05:07This is a sweet phone.
05:08I gotta get me one of these.
05:10Don't you already have that phone?
05:11No, no, no, no.
05:12This one's got tri-mode.
05:16Oh.
05:17What's that?
05:18I don't know.
05:22But, I mean, if it wasn't important for me to have, it wouldn't say now with tri-mode.
05:26When I was a little boy, about to hate you five.
05:35My mother felt me, greater than male life.
05:40Now I'm a man.
05:43Now I'm a man.
05:45I don't know what you were thinking, Chris.
06:00Allison never cleaned anything in her life.
06:03I'm sorry.
06:04Who knew when you mix ammonia and bleach together, it becomes a deadly gas?
06:07It's okay, all right?
06:10Finding a blonde woman passed out on my bathroom floor, it's just like any other Sunday morning.
06:19Okay.
06:21Your new job today?
06:22Yeah.
06:23Keep an eye on the Muhammad Ali towel, okay?
06:26Now, if the auction starts before Freddie and I get there, start bidding.
06:30If it goes past $10,000, stop bidding.
06:33Ah, to place a bid, you just click on the blue button.
06:36Oh, sweetie.
06:37I know how auctions work.
06:39I watch the IRS do it with my house, my car, all my possessions.
06:46I need a drink.
06:48Chris, if you don't want to miss the auction, pack this food up with me for the people at the food kitchen.
06:53Didn't we do this last month?
06:55Yeah.
06:57It's weird.
06:58They're still poor.
07:02Hey, can you figure out your new phone?
07:07Yeah, it's easy.
07:08Oh!
07:09My wallpaper's stuck on a sexy picture of Orlando Bloom.
07:14Well, how'd it get there?
07:17Would you just get it off?
07:25Oh, my God, I'm getting my first instant message.
07:28Oh, Zoe's got a boyfriend.
07:30Oh, my God.
07:31Oh, my God.
07:33Crap, it's Mom.
07:34What do I say?
07:35Uh, tell her you're on the computer at a friend's house.
07:38Give it a shot.
07:38I might buy that.
07:40Damn, that phone is clear.
07:44Zoe, get your butt out here now.
07:52You're busted, Zoe.
07:53Oh, we tried to protect you.
07:55We just didn't try very hard.
08:00How did you know I had it?
08:01Long story short, Grandma was going through your dresser to see if you're sexually active, and she found the box.
08:06Well, let's give her a hand for not being sexually active.
08:13I can't believe you got her that phone after I told her no.
08:22I'm trying to teach her the value of a dollar.
08:24It's not that hard to remember.
08:26It's 100 cents.
08:30Look, Sophia, you're going to med school.
08:33You don't have the money to buy this kind of stuff, but right now, I'm doing well.
08:36So let me do something nice for my niece.
08:38It's not about affording it, Freddie.
08:40I want her to earn it.
08:41Look, but she's only 13.
08:43Do you remember how upset you got when Mom wouldn't get you ColecoVision and you couldn't play the Smurfs game?
08:48So you painted me blue and made me jump over mushrooms in the backyard?
08:53That's brilliant.
08:53That was the whole game.
08:56And then there was that other game where you threw rocks at me.
08:59Excuse me, those weren't rocks.
09:01They were asteroids.
09:03You could have destroyed them with your laser beam.
09:06Um, it was a flashlight.
09:07The point is, it didn't cost anything.
09:11And it was good for me because I had to use my imagination.
09:14Well, I hated being broke.
09:16I mean, I'd be all excited about my new Popsicle stick boat,
09:19and then Chris would come over with his remote-control speedboat
09:22that could actually tow a skier.
09:26Okay, it made you feel bad, but it also made you work hard.
09:30Why put her through that?
09:32Hey, not having things doesn't make you a better person.
09:35Freddie, all she sees is the fun you have buying things.
09:39She doesn't see the work you've done to get them.
09:41She needs to learn in the real world there are no handouts.
09:44Well, uh, my dad gave me a shopping center when I was 15.
09:50And that made you...
09:53Happy?
09:56No, it made you a lazy, unfocused gadabout.
09:59You thought he was gonna say gadabout?
10:00Wait, does that mean happy because I just said that?
10:07Look, look.
10:09You're a great parent, okay?
10:11She's gonna learn good values from you no matter what.
10:13That's right.
10:14That's why I want you to take the phone back.
10:18Okay, fine.
10:20She's your kid, it's your call.
10:22I take it back.
10:25It's just when you put me in this position, you make me the bad guy.
10:28Hey, you're only the bad guy because you never buy her anything
10:32and you take away everything she loves.
10:40Zoe, get in here, sweetie.
10:45I have to take the phone back.
10:48It's not fair.
10:49You just want me to be poor because you were poor.
10:51That's a good idea.
11:01But Javier was taking the food over.
11:05Come on, Grandma.
11:10Zoe, when I was a kid in Puerto Rico...
11:13Oh, we know.
11:13You grew up with nothing but a stick and a coconut.
11:19And that is just the beginning of a wonderful story of courage and freedom,
11:25which we will discuss in the car we are very fortunate to have.
11:28Go, go, go.
11:30We'll meet you there, Javier.
11:34Do we have to go to the soup kitchen?
11:35Hey, I told your mom we'd go, so we're gonna go.
11:38We're gonna be late for the auction.
11:42We're not gonna go.
11:46Look, you understand that 300 bucks is a lot of money, right?
11:50And that people have to work very hard to get that kind of money?
11:53I do.
11:55I knew you had good values.
11:57Can I get my phone back?
11:58Oh, yeah.
12:01Hey.
12:02Hey.
12:03When I said get rid of the picture of Orlando Bloom,
12:06I didn't mean to replace it with a bunch of kittens in a basket.
12:10You better get me something, killing something.
12:21Sold for $2,000.
12:26I scored, man.
12:27Steve Martin's suit went for three grand.
12:29Chevy Chase's went for two.
12:30Who would have thought that I could get Martin's shorts for 150 bucks?
12:33I did.
12:38Okay, okay.
12:39Here it is.
12:40The Ali towel is up.
12:41Oh, man.
12:42That is gonna look so good in my living room.
12:45Yeah, I don't think it's gonna make it to your living room.
12:48Why?
12:48Who's after it?
12:49Me.
12:50You made it sound so cool, I figured I'd get it.
12:53Dude, you got the tiny Three Amigos suit.
12:57This is the only thing that I want.
12:59Next up is an authentic ring towel from the historic 1974 heavyweight championship bout,
13:06the Rumble in the Jungle.
13:08The online bidding is in, the reserve has been met,
13:10and this item is starting at $2,000.
13:14We have an online bid of $2,500.
13:17$3,000.
13:18$9,000.
13:19I have $9,000.
13:20What the hell is your problem, man?
13:22I have $9,000.
13:23Apparently not money.
13:25We have an online bid of $9,500.
13:27This is so exciting.
13:30I did it.
13:31I bid $9,500 for Chris.
13:32He's in the game.
13:34You know how much good it could be in this world, that money.
13:37You're crazy.
13:38You don't know that there are children who don't have to eat.
13:40There's no food, there's no money, there's no food, there's no food.
13:44Sophia, I think Grandma needs something.
13:46She just said a bunch of stuff to me.
13:50$10,000.
13:51$10,000.
13:52Well, let me do one.
13:54Okay, Chris said stop at $10,000.
13:55It's $10,500, but he's still at the soup kitchen.
13:57I know he really wants it.
13:58What should I do?
14:02You're right.
14:04He has been so cool to help me, I'm going to win it for him.
14:09We have an online bid of $15,000.
14:13I'm out.
14:14I have no idea what they're up against.
14:17I have a lot of money.
14:21$20,000.
14:21I'm getting tired of playing.
14:24I'm going to smoke this guy right now.
14:27$35,000.
14:30No, no, no.
14:31That's what he's talking about.
14:33$35,000.
14:34Do I hear $36,000?
14:36$35,000.
14:38Going once.
14:39What a jackass.
14:39That thing is worth nowhere near $35,000.
14:42Going twice.
14:43You know what?
14:44If I don't get it, at least I made this sucker pay through the nose, right?
14:47Sold.
14:48Sold.
14:48Sold.
14:48Sold.
14:48Sold.
14:49Sold.
14:49Sold.
14:49Sold.
14:49Sold.
14:50Sold.
14:50Sold.
14:51Sold.
14:51Sold.
14:52Sold.
14:53Sold.
14:54Sold.
14:55Sold.
14:56Sold.
14:57Sold.
14:58Sold.
14:59Sold.
15:00Sold.
15:01Sold.
15:02Sold.
15:03Sold.
15:04Sold.
15:05Sold.
15:06Sold.
15:07Sold.
15:08Sold.
15:09Sold.
15:10Sold.
15:11Sold.
15:12Sold.
15:13Sold.
15:14Sold.
15:15Sold.
15:16Sold.
15:17Sold.
15:18Sold.
15:19Sold.
15:20Sold.
15:21Bidding is in. This item is a prop wand
15:24used by the character Ron Weasley
15:26in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
15:29We're starting at $100.
15:31Well, Uncle Freddy, can we bid on it?
15:32I love Ron Weasley.
15:34All right.
15:35125.
15:37This is so cool.
15:39150.
15:40Well, can't we go higher?
15:42175.
15:43I have 250.
15:44We're gonna lose it.
15:45Three.
15:47Four.
15:48Nine!
15:49Five comes after four.
15:52What's with you people?
15:54We can't accept a bid from a child.
15:57Sir, is that a legitimate bid?
15:58For charity?
16:01Of course.
16:05For charity.
16:06900 is the bid.
16:08I have 900.
16:09Are you out of your mind?
16:10900 bucks is a lot of money.
16:12You spent a lot of money for that stupid towel.
16:15Hey, hey.
16:15It's my money.
16:17Okay?
16:17Hey, if I wanna buy a flying monkey
16:19and fly around like a flying monkey,
16:22I can do that.
16:23It's my money.
16:24900.
16:25Going once.
16:27Going twice.
16:28You said you understood the value of a dollar.
16:30I know 900 of them would give me that wand.
16:33I have a thousand.
16:35Oh, boy.
16:36Did you just get lucky.
16:37I'm sorry.
16:40Apparently, the man in the Tina Turner wig
16:43is not a legitimate bidder.
16:44Sold to the young man with the happy little girl.
16:51She's happy.
16:52She's very happy.
16:55You should run right now.
16:58Seriously, I would run if I were you.
17:00This is a broiler pan.
17:11When you're done,
17:12I wanna see a $900 reflection in it,
17:15so start scrubbing.
17:17And put some elbow grease into it.
17:19What's elbow?
17:19It means you scrub really hard.
17:25Glad Freddy's finally taken a strong stand with Zoe,
17:28but, man, seven bucks an hour?
17:30It's gonna take her forever to pay off that wand.
17:32How about me?
17:33I have to work off $35,000.
17:37How much is he paying you?
17:39$1,000 an hour.
17:46Chris's cell phone.
17:48Hold on.
17:49It's Tina.
17:52No.
17:54Okay, he's making some kind of no-no gesture,
17:56if that makes any sense.
17:58Hey, he did it.
18:01Don't yell at me.
18:02Jeez.
18:06You're fired.
18:08On what grounds?
18:10You suck.
18:14Hey, how was Zoe's first day?
18:16Well, she slipped on some rotten lettuce in the alley,
18:20landed in a puddle of fish guts,
18:21and got her hair dirty throwing up.
18:24So I'm feeling pretty good.
18:25You know, all this could have been avoided
18:29if you'd listened to me.
18:30Although I'm kind of enjoying you being the bad guy for once.
18:33Hey, you were right, okay?
18:36I didn't realize the message I was sending
18:38buying her expensive phones and boots and stuff.
18:41You bought her boots?
18:42The important thing is...
18:43She's learning a lesson now.
18:48How late are you working her?
18:49Hmm.
18:51Wow.
18:51She's so tired, she's starting to break stuff,
18:53so I guess I can let her go now.
18:56Yo, Zoe, lose the gloves and get in here.
18:58All right, I'm ready to hose out the dumpsters.
19:03Can I wear a mask this time
19:04so nothing goes in my mouth again?
19:08You can do that first thing tomorrow.
19:10So when do I get my wand?
19:11No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:12That's my wand.
19:14When you pay me $900, it becomes your wand.
19:17Now, here's your pay for today.
19:21This is $56.
19:23Now give it back to me,
19:24and I'll put it towards the wand.
19:25$56?
19:29I worked eight hours.
19:32Honey, that's what people make,
19:34and they get taxes taken out.
19:36I'm paying you cash.
19:37Now hand it back to me.
19:39Didn't realize how hard I'd have to work
19:40to earn this money.
19:41Huh.
19:42Well, now you'll appreciate it.
19:43Fork it over.
19:46No, I worked hard for this money.
19:48It seems wasteful to spend it on some stupid stick.
19:55Now look, it's not a stick.
19:59It's a magical wand from Harry Potter,
20:01and you love it very much.
20:02Now give me back that money.
20:04No.
20:05This is my money, and I'm keeping it.
20:09Yeah?
20:10Well, you ain't done working.
20:11You better get back in that dumpster.
20:13Look at that.
20:18She learned the value of a dollar.
20:21Good job.
20:24Oh.
20:25That's my phone.
20:26What?
20:34Hey, man, you want to buy a wand?
20:39No, it's not really that fun
20:41if I'm not bidding for it.
20:43All right.
20:43$900.
20:45$1,000.
20:46$2,000.
20:47No, it's too rich for my blood.
20:51Here.
20:52You can cry on this.
20:57Oh, man.
20:59You're giving me the Ali towel?
21:01Yeah.
21:02On one condition.
21:04This weekend, you paint yourself blue,
21:05and you jump over mushrooms.
21:10Okay.
21:11But afterwards, we're playing asteroids.
21:14Oh, don't worry.
21:15I'll make sure you get a laser beam.
21:20Chris, thank you for picking this up.
21:23Will you pass me the salsa?
21:25Oh.
21:32Hmm.
21:33You know, Martin's short's a lot bigger
21:35than the crotch than I thought.
21:39Looking good!
21:40Go, Charlie.
21:41Whoa.
21:42No!
21:43Yeah.
21:43Oh.
21:45Oh, gold.
21:45Yeah.
21:46Oh, oh.
21:47Hey!
21:48Yeah.
21:48Oh, oh, oh, oh.
21:50Hey!
21:50Ty.
21:50Oh, yeah.
21:51Oh, oh.
21:52We'll be right.
21:53Oh, yeah.
21:53Oh, okay.
21:54Oh, oh, yeah.
21:54Yeah.
21:56Oh, yeah.
21:57Yeah.
21:58Oh, yeah.
21:58Oh, oh, oh.
22:01Oh, that was that music.
22:02Oh, yeah.
22:03Oh, it was, oh.
22:03Okay.
22:04Oh, yeah.
22:05Oh, I feel the music.
22:08So this is on this show here,
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