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12:59I told him
13:59I've told him it was all just a
14:29well thanks very much
14:59ready. Well, no, I said I'd come over and give you a hand. Oh, you sure? Because Patrick
15:04will be as much use as a glass buttock. That'll be a godsend. You all right? You're looking
15:12a bit fretty. Well, I've just been talking to a witch. But not that bloke at the sweet
15:18shop who put sticks of licorice out in the sign of the pentagram. He told me yesterday
15:24that I was going to live a long and peaceful life and Victor was going to come to a sudden
15:29untimely end. Well, I mean, I know it's all twaddle but, well, I just rang him up and said
15:38could he be more specific? And he said, under no circumstances should Victor go on any long
15:44journeys this weekend because that's when it would happen. Oh, he's so popular. He's not
15:54going on any long journeys, is he? Well, he did talk about driving up to my cousin Ursula's
16:02in the country on Saturday. You remember the one who just died? I've got a whole houseful
16:07of junk up there to dispose of now somehow or other. All her documents and her paperwork
16:12to sort through, eh? Not to mention the dreaded Edwin. Who's Edwin? Can you credit it? I mean,
16:22can you begin to credit it? You're back, Ali. Did he give you the afternoon off? Toffy
16:30knows fun and I'll give him the afternoon off. I mean, you're employed as an odd job man and
16:35you expect the jobs to be a bit odd, but not that. Five days out there, tripping up and
16:41down that field thinking I was looking for a wedding ring. Do you know what it was all
16:45about? He was only using me as a scarecrow. I got one of the tractor drivers to tell me
16:57in the end. Apparently the wooden ones are no good anymore. The birds just perch in the
17:05arm. That's why he put me in this big white coat, if you please, to make sure that I be
17:11seen by the rooks. Sorry? I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it? I always
17:29knew that degree course I took at Wurzel Gummidge College Cambridge. Yes?
17:36Yes!
17:38Yes!
18:114291? Yes.
18:22Oh, well, you nearly didn't.
18:24Got outside and found the zip in these trousers are gone.
18:27So I've come back.
18:28Yes, I've got the keys.
18:30Thought I'd pop into town for a bit of food first,
18:32tie me over in case there's nothing in the fridge when I get there.
18:35So, where did you say you were going after you've got your hair done?
18:38Ah, yes, you said.
18:40Right. Well, their removal van's just arriving, actually.
18:43So I expect that there'll be a...
18:46Oh, for crying out loud.
18:51What?
18:52I'll tell you what's the matter now.
18:54Those yops who were in here the other night,
18:56they've only been at my trousers.
18:59You know what this'll be?
19:01Because I made that remark about the tears in their jeans.
19:04Oh, there's someone at the door now.
19:10Coming!
19:12You say, come in?
19:23This can't be right, can it?
19:24Oh, there's nothing.
19:26Nineteen, Riverbank.
19:34Oh!
19:41Are you coming up then?
19:42I'll watch.
19:43No, I'm happy at my own
19:54I just wondered if you'd change your mind about Monday
19:57I'm off now then
20:14I'll see you when I get back
20:16I will
20:27What in the name of hell do you think you're doing?
20:44Who am I?
20:45Running a bloody transport cafe in the bedroom
20:47I'm going to put some daddy's sauce in the dressing table
20:51Go on, get out the pair of you for crying out loud
20:54Get your dad outside
20:57Can't still be greedily
20:59Well, you've got the wrong address, haven't you?
21:01It's next door you want, number 17
21:03Well, you're quite finished using my house as a multi-storey ashtray
21:07Why do I get the feeling it's going to be one of those days?
21:18I suppose it might just be bluster
21:20But you never know with some people
21:21I wonder if these brussels will be alright when they get there
21:24You're going to be sent to prison for violent crime
21:28I don't know what the man's capable of
21:30Or should I just throw them away now and be done with it?
21:34Are you listening to me?
21:35I've just been issued with a fatwa
21:37By my secretary's psychopathic boyfriend
21:39And all you're worried about is a bag of sprouts
21:40Perhaps that will teach you to be more careful
21:43Where you dip your wick in, future
21:45Well, are you going into town today for my shopping or not?
21:54Oh
21:54Dip my wick!
21:57What are you talking about?
21:59Morning
22:00All packed up for you, ready to go
22:02The curtains are staying
22:04And so's the cooker
22:05Apart from that, it's all yours
22:06What about your husband?
22:08Are you taking him as well?
22:09Only if you've got room
22:10I'm just taking him as a tea chest with the frying pans
22:14Look, we had a few drinks to get
22:17Now, you've got the new address
22:18And I think we said £475, didn't we?
22:21Right, right
22:22Did you hear me?
22:23Nothing happened
22:24Why can't you get that into your skull?
22:27Patrick, I could smell her perfume on your breath
22:30Smell her per...
22:33Utterly shot away to buggery
22:39I can't talk to her anymore
22:42You thought that bloke next door was in that case?
22:49It's because of the local water supply
22:50You thought that bloke next door was in that case?
22:51You thought that bloke next door was in that case?
22:52You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:53You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:54You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:55You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:56You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:57You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:58You thought that bloke next door was in that case
22:59You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:00You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:01You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:02You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:03You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:04You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:05You thought that bloke next door was in that case
23:06Oh, my God.
23:36Oh, my God, isn't that bloody typical?
24:06I left my bottle of whiskey at the checkout.
24:12Anyway, good luck with it all.
24:16Yes, yes, thank you very much.
24:36Oh, my God.
24:42Oh, my God.
24:46Oh, my God.
24:50Oh, my God.
24:54Don't even think about screaming.
25:13Oh, my God.
25:17You must be Melvin.
25:19And you must be Patrick.
25:23I never touched her, I swear to God.
25:25Look, she just made all that up.
25:26Are you calling my girlfriend a liar?
25:27Not in a substantive sense, necessarily, but it's just we didn't do anything.
25:33I mean, nothing happened.
25:34You'd love me to believe that, wouldn't you?
25:36Look.
25:36In a boot.
25:37What?
25:39We're a bit less public.
25:43Now, do it.
25:45What?
25:45Get in.
25:46No, but you don't understand.
25:47One more word, and you fill it in.
25:50You don't understand.
25:51This isn't...
26:17No, but you don't understand.
26:18No, but you don't understand.
26:19No, but you don't understand.
26:20No, but you don't understand.
26:21No, but you don't understand.
26:22No, but you don't understand.
26:23No, but you don't understand.
26:24No, but you don't understand.
26:25No, but you don't understand.
26:26No, but you don't understand.
26:27No, but you don't understand.
26:28No, but you don't understand.
26:29No, but you don't understand.
26:30No, but you don't understand.
26:31No, but you don't understand.
26:32No, but you don't understand.
26:33No, but you don't understand.
26:34No, but you don't understand.
26:35No, but you don't understand.
26:36No, but you don't understand.
26:37No, but you don't understand.
26:38No, but you don't understand.
26:39I'm telling you, make one noise, it'll be your last.
27:09I'm telling you, make one noise, it'll be your last.
27:39I'm telling you, make one noise, it'll be your last.
28:09I'm telling you, make one noise, it'll be your last.
28:11I wonder they've left a light bulb.
28:16Some people.
28:17And did you read this?
28:19Welcome to your new home.
28:21Don't worry about the holes in the back garden.
28:24That's where we dug up the daffodil bulbs.
28:27Also, have taken the brass number 16 off the front door as our new address is 91 and we can use it again outside back.
28:35Best wishes the pinnocks.
28:36P.S.
28:38The gas fire in the lounge will light at the 23rd attempt.
28:45Well, I think we'd better give it a try, don't you?
28:47It's got very nippy all of a sudden.
28:48Yes.
28:51It's trying to snow already, look.
28:54They said it'd turn now, stay around lunchtime.
28:57Especially up north.
29:00Isn't that where Victor's gone?
29:02Oh, come on, come on.
29:09You're here somewhere, I know you are.
29:14Where the bloody hell's that town gone to?
29:17Only half a mile to go as well.
29:45I mean, I just do not...
30:15What the hell are you doing?
30:24Oh, God.
30:25What the hell are you doing in there?
30:30Don't ask.
30:32Don't ask?
30:34I'm 75 miles from home in the middle of nowhere and you'll leave under the boot and start squirting at me with toilet freshener.
30:41I think you'll be telling to some explanation.
30:44Someone thinks I'm having an affair with his girlfriend.
30:47He thought this was my car, so he made me get in.
30:51Naturally, I thought he brought me up here to...
30:53God, I can't even breathe.
30:55Well, can you walk?
30:59To where?
31:00That place up there.
31:02It belongs to Margaret's cousin who's just died.
31:05I come up to sort through all the stuff to...
31:06Look, the sooner we get inside and out of all this, the better.
31:10If you go on, I'll catch you up.
31:14Here.
31:31Oh, by the way!
31:34What?
31:35Watch out in this field.
31:38I seem to remember that there's a...
31:41You were a long time.
31:52Did you get through?
31:53Apparently, the van broke down on the ring road.
31:57Flat battery or something.
31:59Said somebody's working on it and hopefully they'll be here within the hour.
32:02So, still no sign of Patrick, then?
32:10He only went into town for a few odds and ends.
32:14What's happening to everyone this afternoon?
32:23There's only heating in this place.
32:25I think I was warmer in the...
32:26Oh, God.
32:27What is it?
32:27Behind you.
32:28Sorry?
32:28On the wall behind you, Mr Meldrew.
32:32What?
32:33You mean this painting of a...
32:35Don't even say the word.
32:38What?
32:39Please.
32:41What?
32:41Spider!
32:45Thank you very much indeed.
32:46It's one of Ursula's wildlife studies.
32:48She was always into her natural history.
32:50And, of course, he was a great outdoors man.
32:53Fishing, rock climbing, mountaineering.
32:56Are you all right?
32:57I can't look at them.
32:59I'm sorry.
32:59I can't even think about them.
33:01It's been the same all my life.
33:03Oh, dear.
33:05But...
33:06Do you mean like in that film, Arachnophobia?
33:11Did you ever see that?
33:15Yes.
33:16I'm hardly...
33:17I'm hardly likely suffering from a pathological fear of spiders
33:21to have gone to see a film called Arachnophobia.
33:24I might, Mr Meldrew.
33:25Any more than a man with hay fever
33:27would stuff a dandelion up his nose.
33:30I suppose not.
33:32But I'll just put it down here, out of the way.
33:45Kids have been throwing stones at the windows.
33:47I'll see if I can find a shovel or something.
33:50It's OK.
34:13Oh, my God!
34:17Where have you gone to?
34:20Adrian.
34:23Adrian.
34:41It's, um...
34:42What's her name?
34:43Ursula.
34:44You say she lived here on her own?
34:46Hmm?
34:48Oh.
34:52Since her husband died, Walter, about two years ago.
34:56I was wondering if there might be some old...
34:58Clothing of his I could, uh, change into.
35:03I'm sure.
35:04Uh, could be one of his old suits about.
35:06It's more than likely.
35:11Right.
35:11God almighty.
35:26Oh, my God!
35:43Oh, my God!
36:13Can I come in?
36:15Uh, do you have to go there second?
36:18Mr. Meldew, there's already enough permafrost in my underpants to keep a leg of lamb fresh
36:22for a month.
36:24And standing by a laboratory passing icicles does not come high on my list of favourite sensations,
36:28sir.
36:28It's out of order!
36:29Mr. Meldew.
36:30What?
36:31The pipe must have frozen or something.
36:33It won't flush.
36:34Why don't you use the one downstairs and I'll get a bath running.
36:39Hello?
36:46Love you.
36:47I'm not sure.
36:48I'm not sure.
37:51The address is 16 Gallipoli Gardens, yes.
37:55Yes, if you could tell her that I spent the morning in the boot of a car inhaling a rancid
37:59Wellington and the afternoon up to my ears in a frozen duck pond, that I'm now in a deserted
38:06old house with a madman who, actually just say madman, she'll know who it is, and that
38:11it's currently snowing in the sitting room.
38:14That reminds everything's fine, and I'll talk to her soon.
38:18I'd appreciate that.
38:19Goodbye.
38:19Goodbye.
38:20Bye.
38:21Bye.
38:31Oh, I must have been more tired than I thought.
38:51I got out of that bath and fell fast asleep on the bed.
38:55So I noticed.
38:57Take it was you that made that tile in there all soaking wet.
39:00You should ever use a flannel at home.
39:03What's that supposed to mean?
39:04Well, you get the worst of the water off first with your flannel and wring it all out.
39:08Then you use a towel to dab off the final drops.
39:12It's a well-known fact.
39:14Is it?
39:15And there was me with this cockeyed notion that the towel was for drying yourself with.
39:19There you buy this, Minstead.
39:21What's wrong with it? It's extra lean.
39:23You can get super lean now at Tesco's.
39:26This is 10% fat.
39:27Super lean's only 5%.
39:29It's a perfectly good mince.
39:32It's the one I always use.
39:33Well, if you want a job, you can start in those onions.
39:38How many?
39:39Two should be enough.
39:41And use a rubber gloves.
39:43Don't chop up onions with your bare hands, surely to goodness.
39:46Why not?
39:48Why not?
39:49Because in three weeks' time when you pick your nose, you'll still be able to smell them on your fingers.
39:53Don't you know anything about cooking?
39:56I know how to chop an onion.
39:58Thank you very much.
40:00Go easy on those crisps.
40:02On the look of it out there, I could be stuck here for wits.
40:06Well, thanks over so much for letting us know.
40:09Bye.
40:09Well, that's a relief anyway.
40:13At least you know he's safe and sound.
40:15And he found your car.
40:17We can go and pick that up once the others have got here.
40:19For goodness sake, how long does it take to change a battery?
40:23What's that?
40:24I just came through the door.
40:28Oh, it's to you.
40:32Dear Mrs. Meldrew, enclosed, please find £475 as agreed in cash settlement, with compliments Tumstall and Gridley.
40:47Tumstall and Gridley?
40:50They did...
40:51When the van came this morning, you did...
41:00Oh, no.
41:05Double four.
41:07Now, where are we?
41:10I'm going to move these two here,
41:14and these two here.
41:18Hmm.
41:19All right.
41:21Five and one.
41:26Hmm.
41:28Tricky.
41:28It is tricky.
41:31You know, it's a bit nicer to we put this little bit of time together, don't you think?
41:36In the end, I was just saying to Margaret yesterday,
41:40I'm going to miss Patrick and Papa.
41:44Patrick and...
41:45What is it?
41:46Patrick and Pippa.
41:47That's right.
41:48Patrick and Pitta.
41:51Sounds like...
41:52Sounds like a Hungarian sandwich.
41:55If you ask me.
41:57I get it.
41:58I get it.
42:07I get it.
42:11Oh, dear.
42:14Hello.
42:14Hello.
42:14Yes, he is.
42:20He's right here beside me at this very minute.
42:22How's the weather at your end?
42:24Never mind the bloody weather.
42:26Do I gather that two removal men called round our house this morning,
42:31and you sent them next door because they've got the wrong address?
42:33Don't remind me.
42:36There was another cock-up Narraloo averted.
42:39If ever there was one.
42:41It wasn't a cock-up.
42:43What?
42:44They'd got the right address.
42:47They weren't removal men.
42:50They were the people I rang up about Ursula's house.
42:53Don't you remember?
42:55I got them out of Yellow Pages the other morning,
42:57Tunstall and Gridley.
42:59They were a house clearance firm.
43:02I didn't go into details at the time.
43:13They were a bit busy.
43:14They said they would call round one day this week
43:16to see exactly what needed to be done.
43:19Well!
43:21The removal van has been stuck on the ring road all morning.
43:27What else were Patrick and Pippa supposed to think
43:29when those two bloody cowboys turned up?
43:31All we've got is a mobile number which isn't working.
43:35So now we can't get hold of them for love nor money.
43:38They could be anywhere.
43:40Right.
43:41Well, I'll...
43:45Will you?
43:46Yes.
43:46Okay.
43:47Well, thanks for ringing then.
43:49Bye.
43:52Everything fine back at base camp?
43:54Hmm?
43:54Well, there's been a slight hiccup, evidently, on your removal operation.
44:02It appears that due to an error on my part,
44:07the men who came to your house this morning
44:09weren't in fact removal men after all.
44:13They were from one of those house clearance places of all things.
44:17And they've taken your furniture away to be sold in a junk shop.
44:29Nobody seems to know quite where, unfortunately.
44:34So, um, whose go is it?
44:45Is it yours or mine?
44:46You're sure you shouldn't stay over?
45:05Just till the morning.
45:07The way those roads were coming up.
45:10Thank you, no.
45:11If necessary, we'll find a hotel.
45:13You're very welcome to the big bedroom up there.
45:16Mr. Mildrew, on balance,
45:17I'd rather stick my head up an elephant.
45:18I'd rather stick my head up an elephant.
45:49How are you feeling now, anyway?
45:51I'm feeling a damn sight better
45:52once we've got in touch with the people in the walk-stop and in touch.
45:55Hi! Can I help you at all?
45:57This is a hotel, is it?
45:59It most certainly is.
46:01My name's Lorna.
46:02What can I do?
46:03Sorry, just let me close this.
46:07We can hear ourselves think.
46:09We've got a private function on tonight.
46:12People come here for a good time,
46:14and we make sure they get one.
46:16Anyone want a room?
46:18Um, well, all I seem to have free
46:20is the honeymoon suite.
46:22Oh.
46:24That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
46:26Yes?
46:27It is a bit special.
46:29And you'd like a couple who'd make the most of it.
46:31Oh, I'm sorry.
46:34I'm being a bit naughty.
46:36Not necessarily.
46:38How much is it?
46:40Well, let me see if I can work you out at a special rate.
46:42This is a bit good.
46:49For 50 quid?
46:51It's romantic, really.
46:53I wonder if we ought to make it two nights.
46:57We might not have any option.
47:00Oh, you know what the police said.
47:02They're hardly going to do anything with our stuff on a Sunday.
47:05I'm sure they'll track it all down.
47:07In a couple of...
47:09Oh.
47:11Oh.
47:13Look at this.
47:17To enhance your enjoyment,
47:21anything else you need is under the pillow.
47:23Oh, God, they have thought of everything.
47:30Patrick, I know I've been a pain these last few weeks.
47:35It'd be nice if tonight we could, um, make up for all that.
47:40As far as I'm concerned,
47:41you could even keep that ridiculous-looking...
47:43Yes?
47:48Come here.
47:53I think we're going to need some ice.
48:09It'd be two things.
48:23Oh, I'm so dear.
48:40Thank you, Father.
48:41Don't worry about it.
48:42Everyone's cool tonight.
48:43Oh, there.
48:44Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
48:46You're going to miss all the action.
48:47Hmm?
48:48Looks like being a good one, Lorna said.
48:50I don't know where they're from.
48:51Last-minute arrivals or something.
48:53Hello.
48:54Hello.
48:54Merry Christmas.
48:581-yal-allukey.
49:072-0.
49:121-0.
49:132-0.
49:151-0.
49:152-0.
49:193-0.
49:203-0.
49:21We were wondering if the bed was still going.
49:51I'm going to take a couple of Valium tonight and to hell with it.
49:56I'd say I'd have that toiletries back in the back seat.
50:00I'll have the rest of the bottle.
50:06Are they OK?
50:07I think so.
50:09Well, the things that go on in some of these hotels.
50:12They don't know half of it.
50:14If you're talking about a plague of devils, that man certainly had his share this weekend.
50:18God knows what he'd have done if he'd known there was a live bird-eating spider on the premises.
50:24I just hope you blocked up that tank properly when you put him back in.
50:28What if he manages to squeeze his way out again somehow?
50:31Well, stop worrying and go to sleep.
50:34The coppers were so helpful.
50:55I'm not talking about my missing brother and your...
51:00He gave me directions up here and everything.
51:05Look, I told you nothing happened with me and Christine.
51:10You are dead, mate.
51:11Why won't you believe me?
51:12We never did anything.
51:13God, what's up in there now?
51:17I promise you.
51:18This business is his secretary.
51:19I thought they'd got it all sorted out.
51:21Just listen to him.
51:22You've never laid a finger on her.
51:24Please, just try and understand.
51:26For God's sake.
51:28Leave it and just let them sort it out themselves.
51:31Kipper!
51:31Just as well they have moved and they're going to carry on like this every bloody night.
51:51Look, I've got no reason to lie to you.
51:54She doesn't even fancy me in the first place.
51:56She won't fancy you anyplace after tonight.
51:59Just let them be.
52:00It's got nothing to do with us.
52:02But it's ridiculous.
52:03I mean, what's she doing to him in there?
52:06Oh, shit.
52:14Come on, girls.
52:15No!
52:18It's all gone quiet now.
52:22Ow!
52:23No!
52:24No!
52:24No!
52:25It's a door lock.
52:37I think all the keys are the same in this place.
52:41It's a door lock.
52:41I'm being straight.
52:50What?
52:51Come on!
52:51Come on!
52:52Get in!
52:53Hold on, hey, you!
52:54Oh!
52:55aufgeords!
52:56Folk!
53:01Oh!
53:01Come on!
53:01Come on!
53:10Come on!
53:11Come on!
53:12Look.
53:12Come on!
53:13Come on!
53:16Oh, please.
53:17Oh, no.
53:18Don't let him be.
53:20Oh, no.
53:21No!
53:28I'm calling for an ambulance!
53:35Anyway, Iris, the light will be going soon.
53:41And it's starting to get a bit chilly.
53:44So I expect I'll finish this later, when I get home.
53:51Let's take a dig!
53:57Oh, yeah.
54:03It's what I want to do!
54:06I don't know.
54:36I've been hiding anyone with a shot like that.
54:45All the same as Jimmy's white in a final completely goes to pieces.
54:51Oh.
54:53Here's that weird angle again.
54:55When you think the ball's going to shoot out of the screen and whack you in the eye.
54:59Look at these miniature cameras everywhere in sport now.
55:04Gold posts, crickets, stomps.
55:07Suppose I've been sticking one of Willie Carson's bottom before long.
55:10Except all the other horses coming up behind them.
55:14You were a long time in the end.
55:16Popped down the cemetery to put some flowers on your dad's grave.
55:20Then I got writing that letter to Iris and the time just seemed to slip away.
55:24Can you tell her about all that business at Ursula's and the witch?
55:27Yes.
55:28The character who said I'd be dead within five days shot his theory down in flames.
55:32Of course, I can't get everything right.
55:35I thought I was going to live a long and peaceful life.
55:39Teastful enough tonight.
55:42Yes.
55:43Oh, for the love of Mike, listen to that.
55:48That bloody snapping noise has started up again now.
55:52The one that sounds like Indiana Jones inside the set cracking his whip every five seconds.
55:57Two days after they've fixed it.
56:00I've just about had it.
56:02Come round here, resting their soldering irons in your glasses.
56:07Pursely, I don't think they...
56:09Hello!
56:10Is that the service department?
56:12I heard that in the background.
56:15Yes, you can tell it is the bald old beggar with the attitude problem.
56:18Psss!
56:19I feel like you to have the way your service department carries on.
56:23Psss!
56:24Never mind go back to being a scarecrow.
56:26Psss!
56:27Psss!
56:28If you say this like a toss of him in all times with very people's equipment, we might start
56:33to get some...
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