- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30They Say
00:59They Say
01:29Threaten me all you like, Mr. Blizzard.
01:31You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever.
01:35Oh, when will it ever end?
01:39They carry me out of here in a box.
01:42It's not my doing all this.
01:44People just can't be bothered anymore.
01:46Yes, like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate, wasn't you?
01:52I got stuck in a funeral procession this morning.
01:56The mourners were upset enough without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium.
02:01Oh, how do you really have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard?
02:09It's just while I'm doing my test.
02:11You know what the doctor said?
02:12To keep your watch for any mark change in frequency or consi...
02:16Yes, it would.
02:17I don't think we need to go into the details.
02:19Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up?
02:22There's some elastoplast in the top cupboard.
02:24Yes, in a second.
02:26Oh.
02:28What's this?
02:29Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred.
02:31Read it and weep.
02:32Why?
02:33What's it say?
02:34Do you remember that message he left us in April 1st, saying that we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas that he'd won in the firm's raffle because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?
02:42Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's, so we didn't bother to...
02:45Oh, are you joking?
02:51Absolutely genuine.
02:53Even for the next-door neighbours, they had the time of their lives.
02:57It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch, but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring to try and arrange something.
03:05Oh, God!
03:06And the answer machine's not working.
03:08We'll have to declare a full code red.
03:10Let every call ring, then dial 1471 and see if it's safe to phone back.
03:18You was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests and had to be one of their novelty T-shirts on.
03:24Why do people always want to meet up?
03:28Better enough, we could miss it's war boys coming round tonight with Cousin Wilf with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his and his palm top.
03:37Like having tea with a Dalek.
03:40Well, if a poor man can't speak since his stroke, what else is he supposed to do?
03:45A marvellous invention, really.
03:48Well, he can learn to type properly.
03:51I haven't forgotten the last time they were here, when he asked me to put some hot mustard in his rhubarb.
03:57Oh, neither is he.
03:59I haven't forgotten the last time he was.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:29Morning, Mr Meldrew.
04:31I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment, then.
04:34What?
04:38Oh. Yeah.
04:40Well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so...
04:42If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up.
04:44Sorry?
04:46LAUGHTER
04:54Yes, yes, thank you very much. That'll do for now.
05:02Oh, yes, gardens have been getting a bit dry all the time this lately.
05:06Weathermen say there's more to come.
05:09Where did that come from?
05:11Sorry?
05:12Oh, yes, I've just been giving it a quick rinse through,
05:15ready for its next outing.
05:16Yeah.
05:17Very realistic, they make them nowadays.
05:19When I first started in amateur dramatics,
05:21you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon.
05:24Right.
05:25So you were doing some kind of play.
05:26Oh, yes.
05:27I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes
05:30with Murders in the Rue Morgue.
05:32It seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s.
05:34We found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it,
05:38they tend to start nodding off, so...
05:40And, of course, for this one, Mr Snoxall gave us his rather splendid orangutang.
05:45So it was quite a hit, all in all.
05:48Oh, really, Mr Snoxall?
05:50I didn't know he heard one.
05:52What's that?
05:54An orangutang.
05:55Sorry?
05:56Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:57That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles.
06:00I mean, he gave us his betrayal of an orangutang, isn't I?
06:03I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start.
06:07Anyway, for our next production in our season, Tales of Terror,
06:11we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one.
06:15We've got little Mrs Impey from number ten,
06:18playing the headless courts of Lucy Westenra,
06:21and, fingers crossed for the title role,
06:23we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop.
06:27Oh, hello, Mrs Impey.
06:30Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you.
06:32I was telling Mr Meldrow I've just put your head through some Sturgeon
06:35so it's all nice and fresh for you.
06:37Well, I wish you luck with it all anyway.
06:42Yeah, bye-bye to you.
06:43And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is.
06:51And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85, would you, Will?
06:56Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair.
07:01His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps
07:04put in along the upstairs landing.
07:07If she can get a grant from the council.
07:10It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
07:16Yeah.
07:18But it must have been.
07:21And this was, uh, up in Pontefract, did you say?
07:25Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf.
07:30Especially in the hot weather.
07:31I was violently sick, eleven times.
07:36Oh dear.
07:38Now while I think of it...
07:40Check.
07:42Presence.
07:47Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,
07:49from the local deli up there.
07:59Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
08:01And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw
08:05for something to do in the evenings.
08:07So...
08:16Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
08:19That's Sheffield Steel.
08:20It'll last you a lifetime.
08:23I am just going to go to the Laverati.
08:27Oh my...
08:29You know where it is, Wilf.
08:34Bless him.
08:35He's coping so well.
08:37And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday.
08:40I was thinking of taking him to the old moat house,
08:43just up the road from here,
08:45for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate.
08:48I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us.
08:58What do you say?
09:00Actually, we'd love to come,
09:04but unfortunately we've got to go to a funeral on Friday.
09:07An old friend of the family.
09:11And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day.
09:15Oh dear, what a shame.
09:18Isn't it always the way?
09:20Yes, well...
09:22Could someone get me a broth of soup?
09:26Victor?
09:28You dare!
09:32What do you want to go and tell him a lie like that for?
09:34Say we're going to a funeral of all things.
09:38So what else was I supposed to say?
09:40No thanks, we'd both be bored, witless.
09:43And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes round.
09:47Oh yes.
09:53It's like you say.
09:54Why do people always want to meet up?
09:58Ha!
10:02They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see.
10:05Where wonders never cease.
10:06You say I shouldn't keep on at them,
10:07but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid.
10:11What in the name of God!
10:12Ha! They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see, where wonders never cease.
10:24You say I shouldn't keep on at them, but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid.
10:34What in the name of God!
10:37Where did they do this?
10:42Can you believe this?
10:45What is it? No, for goodness sake.
10:51Is that a real... kind of done?
10:55You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?
10:59They break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this.
11:03What were they using, muffled hods?
11:07I'll have to call somebody, the fire brigade or another builder.
11:10Well, chances are they'll have it down in a couple of hours.
11:13A couple of hours? My bladder won't last five minutes.
11:18Who are you ringing?
11:19Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew, where you'd normally fit it onto a tab.
11:25Yes, right.
11:26Yes, right.
11:35Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready.
11:38Right, yes, sorry.
11:40In your own time, then, Mr Meldrew.
11:53Oh, it's terrible.
11:54Oh, it's terrible.
11:56Thank you, Mr Meldrew.
11:59Thank you, Mr Meldrew.
12:01BUZZER
12:20Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with a character,
12:25which particular at the blood-sucking...
12:28..and turning into a wolf?
12:30No, no, no, I hear what you're saying.
12:33And, um, thank you for letting me know anyway.
12:36Um, bye-bye to you.
12:42Can I offer you a bite at all?
12:45Sorry?
12:47Oh, no, that's more than I dare do.
12:49Now I have managed to get it all off.
12:52No, that's a bit of bad news.
12:54Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down.
12:57No, not the vampire part.
13:00So what do you think you'll do now, then?
13:06I don't suppose there's any way it would interest you at all.
13:11Oh, my God! No! No! No!
13:17No, thanks ever so much. It was really useful, actually.
13:19It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all.
13:21Pleasure. Well, um, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsay, on Friday.
13:25OK, yeah. Bye.
13:48You know, it was a shame about Christopher Lee.
14:03He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he?
14:07Never really got under the skin of the character.
14:11As far as I could see.
14:13Yes, well, when you've finished drinking the blood of virgins,
14:17you may like to know that our number plates have gone.
14:20Number plates? How do you mean gone?
14:23Gone, stolen.
14:25Probably by somebody round here who was sick to death of the sight of them.
14:30Don't answer that.
14:33That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive.
14:37You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forevermore.
14:39Sorry, I forgot. Is that the second post?
14:42Yeah.
14:43No news, I suppose, about my test result.
14:44What test?
14:45Well, I'm not talking about my 11-plus, am I?
14:49My test.
14:50Will you stop going on about that thing?
14:53You're a child.
14:55If you want to do something useful,
14:56go and look up the number of that car place
14:58and see about getting us some new plates.
15:09Right.
15:11Let's me off to rehearsals, then.
15:13It may be a while.
15:16Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again.
15:19I've left his car at the table if you want to do a reading.
15:21Just take some deep breaths, Wilf.
15:32You'll be fine.
15:34I suppose on reflection that knickerbocker glory was a bit heavy.
15:38I don't know what you're liking cars these days.
15:42It's a godsend.
15:43I've still got their spare key from the other week.
15:46We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down
15:50until your tummy's settled.
15:52As I say,
15:53they were desperate to come out with us themselves,
15:58but there we are.
15:59I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day
16:03having to go to London for a funeral.
16:06There we go.
16:06There we go.
16:07We'll...
16:08laughs
16:09...
16:11...
16:14...
16:15...
16:18...
16:23Just one more second, I'll try to hold out.
16:53I'll just pop up the stairs and get you away from that.
17:02OK, then, everyone, we're just going to have a look at a few problem areas in Act Three this afternoon.
17:06I think we're all present and correct.
17:08Mrs Impey will be with us shortly.
17:10She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked.
17:13And, oh, yes, one bit of good news, first of all, Mrs Meldrew.
17:16You remember I said Lindsay had gone down with a nasty tummy bug
17:20and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together.
17:23Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid.
17:25But at the last minute, her auntie Maureen has very generously agreed to step into her shoes.
17:31So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there.
17:35Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxall and we'll begin.
17:40How are you feeling now?
17:55I think I would like a glass of water.
17:58Yes, of course.
18:00You wait right there.
18:02I think I am going to be sick again.
18:14So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone.
18:17Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it
18:20and an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?
18:23Oh, yes, Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot.
18:25This came through my door for you this morning in error.
18:28Chartres Hospital.
18:30Mm, yeah.
18:31Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something?
18:34Mr Swayne?
18:35Yes?
18:36Coming right up.
18:37So, what do you think?
18:51You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now.
18:54Do you want to rest a bit longer or...?
18:57Uh, it doesn't, it's fun.
18:59Such a cat, that's really rare.
19:18Good morning.
19:20I think I would like a glass of water.
19:42I think I am going to be sick again.
19:50I think I am going to be sick again.
20:20I think I am going to be sick again.
20:50What the hell are you doing in there?
20:54What have I done?
20:57How long have you been back?
21:00Since about five o'clock.
21:01Why?
21:02Five o'clock.
21:03Oh!
21:04Ah!
21:05Gene was here.
21:06Cousin Wolf had been sick in the car again.
21:11Then they came in here to...
21:12Oh!
21:13For the love of Monk!
21:14Four hours nearly I have been in there doubled up like a penknife!
21:18Didn't you even wonder where I was?
21:19I had other things in my mind.
21:21Oh!
21:22Oh!
21:23What?
21:24Pricing your face out of Lindsay Gibbon's neck all afternoon!
21:25My test result is positive.
21:26What?
21:27What?
21:28What?
21:29What?
21:30What?
21:31You mean they found there was blood and you...
21:32Said I have to make an appointment with the specialist at my earliest convenience for further investigations.
21:46Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea.
21:58I despair.
22:00I do straight.
22:02Last week, two big black bags I gave you.
22:07One full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners.
22:10The other with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip.
22:16And no one would believe it, would they?
22:28So, that's three of my best skirts, is it?
22:32Have now gone into the crusher.
22:35I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes and...
22:39What time's your hospital appointment?
22:4412.30?
22:45Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?
22:48Look, I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today.
22:51No, you go and get that sorted out.
22:53Perhaps I'll find you on the way back.
22:55It's only two bus stops.
22:56There's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding.
23:00I'll see you later.
23:01And stop worrying.
23:02Anyone in?
23:03I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said.
23:07My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear.
23:14For some reason.
23:15Right, I'll get that thing for you.
23:16Shame that.
23:17I've got rather a lot to get today.
23:19Thanks.
23:20Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I?
23:23Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today?
23:24Or did I imagine it?
23:25So, Mr Meldrew, haemicult tests were positive.
23:29I've got her in third gear.
23:30I've got a bit of an odd weight in third gear.
23:32I'm not going to hang out for you.
23:35I've judged you in third gear.
23:38For some reason.
23:39Right, I'll get that thing for you.
23:40Shame that.
23:41I've got rather a lot to get today.
23:42Thanks.
23:43Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I?
23:45Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today?
23:46Or did I imagine it?
23:47So, Mr Meldrew...
23:50...haemicult tests were positive.
23:54but no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel.
24:02And there's no reason you can think of
24:05why blood should have found its way into your digestive system.
24:17Unless it's to do with being a vampire.
24:24And I'm rehearsing for this play.
24:33I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out
24:36what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew.
24:40So, are you familiar with the procedure called a colonoscopy?
24:45Ah.
24:46Oh, my God.
25:16Victor!
25:27Victor!
25:31What did he say?
25:33Was everything all right?
25:34They gave me a sedative.
25:36Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end, right up inside.
25:44And what did they find?
25:48Mrs Warboy's Black Pudding.
25:52Oh.
25:53Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me.
25:57Then, as I was getting dressed,
25:59I suddenly remembered.
26:01I'd had that ruddy black pudding.
26:06Full of pig's blood and God knows what.
26:09I need to lie down before I fall down.
26:13Where's the car?
26:15Yeah.
26:15Oh.
26:25Oh.
26:32Okay.
26:34Oh, where is he?
26:48I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down.
26:51Well, he did.
26:52I...
26:53He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything.
26:59Surely.
27:04I don't know.
27:34Oh, sit down.
27:40You must be ready for a cup of tea.
27:42Sit down?
27:43That's a joke.
27:45Bad enough.
27:46Feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus, thanks to Missing Ball Boys.
27:53Then to waken up at the back of that bloody thing, halfway to Burton and Trent.
27:57Never thought I was going to get off alive.
28:02Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare.
28:05We might still reach on the...
28:06Oh, two, nine, one.
28:12Ronnie!
28:12I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic, Claire.
28:19I've had a right basin for you of it lately.
28:23I have straight pipes up your front end, pipes up your back.
28:29I've heard of it trying to force a camel through the eye of a needle.
28:33Yes, yes, we'll be round right away.
28:36Round where right away?
28:37What the hell did you tell him that for?
28:40Mildred's dead.
28:42What do you mean?
28:43What do I mean?
28:46Dead.
28:46Stopped breathing.
28:48A few minutes ago, they were playing cards.
28:51She went upstairs and the poor man's in a terrible state.
28:54He didn't know who else to turn to.
28:56Oh, my God.
28:59I'll get my coat.
29:07Oh, Raleigh.
29:17Oh, I don't know what on earth to say.
29:21Have your own for an ambulance.
29:23I mean, what happened?
29:25You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind.
29:28She only needed Mrs Stitch, the tailor's wife, to win.
29:31She said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to, er...
29:38And then, of course, when she didn't come down again.
29:44So, er...
29:46Where is she now?
29:49She's still up there.
29:50Yeah.
30:01I just can't get my head round it, even now.
30:19I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul.
30:23Well, they both did.
30:26And now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression.
30:30Heaven knows how he's going to cope from now on.
30:35Yeah.
30:36Being upset for anyone, I should think,
30:37to find your wife's hanged herself to a game of happy families.
30:45Oh, so that's another funeral we've got to go to.
30:49What do you mean, another one?
30:50The first one didn't exist.
30:55I don't know.
30:56How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life?
31:04Well, it wasn't that the philosopher said.
31:06Just go out and cultivate your garden.
31:10And if you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias.
31:12What?
31:23Part here for lunch, John.
31:28They say I might as well face the truth
31:31But I am just too wrong in the tooth
31:34I've started to deteriorate
31:38And now I've passed my own sell-by date
31:41Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
31:44I have to pop my teeth into tube
31:48And my old knees have started to knock
31:51I've just got too many miles on the clock
31:55So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
31:58Set in my ways
31:59It's true that my body has seen better days
32:03But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
32:07One foot in the grave
32:09One foot in the grave
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