- 2 days ago
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:07So I'm an OAP and weak mean But I'm not yet quite gone to sea
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:22Lapped out, run down, too long to save One foot in the grave
00:30Lapped out, run down, too long to save
01:004291
01:12Oh, hello, Jean
01:15No, no, just out the back
01:18Putting Victor's Spaghetti Vongolet through the incinerator
01:21No, we've tried putting it in the bin The dustman won't touch it
01:26Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry
01:29Said it clogged up their crusher for a week
01:31Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you
01:36Oh, hideous, Jean
01:39Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book
01:42Every mealtime has been like a Quatermass experiment
01:45Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what
01:49Oh, rough notice
01:51I'd better stop to it now, don't you worry about that
01:53He won't be trying any more of those cocktails
01:55Anyway, did you get my...
01:59Oh, lovely
02:00Well, she can breathe the next time I see you
02:11Thanks very much, Jean
02:13Bye
02:13Oh, for God's sake
02:25No, Victor, no, I've told you
02:27Why did you fish this back out, for goodness' sake
02:31I've told you I am having no more of it
02:33We're just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch
02:36Nothing complicated, nothing that's going to smell
02:39That's what you said about the squid and stilts and sauce
02:41And they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak
02:43Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper
02:47Before I go off my rocker
02:48And anyway, you wouldn't be wanting much lunch
02:53If you're having your meal with Patrick tonight
02:55Don't remind me
02:57And you're not backing out of it, so don't start that
03:03Now that Pippa and I have finally got you to the negotiating table
03:07You can have a nice bottle of wine between you
03:09And start behaving like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change
03:12Do you hear me?
03:14Look at these socks on inside out
03:16Do you hear me?
03:22Yes
03:22Never again
03:34Long as I live
03:37What's happened here?
03:41Another bloody power cut
03:43Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it
03:56I've never been so humiliated on my natural-born days
04:01Do you know what happened?
04:03We got there
04:04Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it
04:08Bloody Armenian restaurants, not one of them spoke a word of English
04:12Can you believe what they did?
04:15Margaret, are you asleep?
04:17Good
04:17But I don't want to talk about it
04:19I get it
04:23Look, I've said I'm sorry
04:28In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?
04:36Yours
04:36Oh, what was it?
04:38And correct me if I'm wrong, but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice intimate little table
04:44Where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs
04:47I can't remember if I used those words exactly
04:50Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it?
04:54The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers
05:00A hypothesis so grisly it fair curdled the blood
05:07Bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons
05:11Though strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course
05:17When a long, complimentary sausage arrived at the table
05:19We were then forced to nibble from each end until our lips met in the middle
05:25Like Lady and the Trump
05:27Why do you say something?
05:30I'm a fake
05:30The only thing we attempted to say was largely academic
05:34Once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs
05:38It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off
05:41So we told him to bugger off
05:45We don't know
05:47There's always something, isn't there?
05:50Yes
05:51Although, for maximum embarrassment, it would be hard to top the moment
05:55When the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant
05:59I can only assume he was attempting to say
06:02Do you both love pork?
06:04And not as it came out in his mangled English
06:06Do you both have sex with pigs?
06:11We did attempt to leave at that point
06:13Not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs
06:17Holding hands across the table
06:19Oh, that's quite sweet, really
06:22Quite sweet?
06:26Have you taken leave of your senses?
06:2830 people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldra and I are sleeping together
06:32Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us
06:35Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place
06:39What time's he expecting us on Friday?
06:41He's coming round in the morning for coffee
06:43I said we'd firm up the arrangements then
06:46Shattered to think what dreams I'm going to have tonight
06:49About that sausage
06:51Is that the time?
07:04I wish I was supposed to be clearing the loft this morning
07:07Or had you forgotten?
07:08Oh, that few days' disruption to look forward to, hasn't we?
07:13What the hell's been going on in here?
07:17Oh, Victor, what a...
07:21What is it?
07:29When you washed your face in the dark last night
07:32You opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?
07:36Yes, why?
07:37Wrong
07:37You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush
07:41And it's all over the towel and the face panel and the pillow and...
07:48Oh, get up!
07:49Look what you've done!
07:52I'm sorry about that
07:54What are you rushing about for anyway like a bat out of hell?
07:58Because it's half past nine nearly
08:00And they're coming to start the loft conversion at twelve
08:03That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers
08:07That, if they bother to turn up this time
08:10They'll turn up
08:11They're generally very reliable
08:13I don't know what you've got against a pair of them anyway
08:19One of them's gone dead from a pneumatic drill
08:21And the other one has an extremely weird sense of humour
08:24I think he's very funny
08:26You would!
08:33OK, I've got it
08:34Got everything, then?
08:38No more of Ronnie and Milka's Christmas presents up there, are there?
08:42I don't know if I could see
08:44Oh, I wondered where you'd got it, too
08:48Remember this?
08:51Five pound of the car, Bootsy
08:54I said I was going to try and get it working again
08:56And never got round to it
08:57As usual
08:58I'd better look lively
09:01They said I could have the morning off
09:02But I don't want to push my luck
09:04Oh, that's good timing
09:06Morning, Mrs Valdrow
09:16A bit parky out there today, and that's a fact
09:18Yes, you want to go straight up?
09:21Morning
09:24How you doing?
09:26We're a little bit earlier than we said
09:27Yes, I think we're just about finished up there now
09:30Say again?
09:31I think we're just about finished up there now
09:33Right you are
09:34Time to wait for the professionals, eh?
09:38How we doing on that lighting source?
09:40You nearly there, am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots?
09:42Coming up any second
09:44Hang on
09:45There may be teardrops
09:48I hate you
09:49But while the moon I ate and roses
09:53In love and romance
09:56Oh, shit!
09:59Oh, my God!
10:02What's happened?
10:03What have you done?
10:07He just slipped
10:08Oh!
10:09Went right through
10:10Oh, God!
10:12Can you pull it out or anything?
10:15I don't know
10:15I'll try, but
10:17Oh, yeah, there we are
10:19Had you going that time, didn't I, eh?
10:24Eh?
10:24Should have seen your face
10:25I thought you were going to have a seizure
10:27Ha, ha, ha, ha
10:28Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
10:30You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork
10:35I know
10:35I think we've marked up our choice in that colour chart out there
10:40Oh, right
10:40I put some fresh coffee on, by the way
10:45Where is it?
10:47It's in the jug, freshly brewed
10:48Champion
10:49You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it?
10:51If you would
10:52Did you want it white?
10:58No, magnolia, I think, is what we've both decided
11:01I hope you don't
11:02We'll get that ordered up for you
11:04There you go
11:05It may be a bit full
11:06Thanks very much, that's fine
11:08Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
11:12Come off, then
11:15You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm wheel or anything today, I trust
11:20I mean, I get plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much
11:24Yes, evidently
11:32That's about it for today, Mrs. Mildred
11:40See you same time tomorrow
11:41Yes, right
11:43And I can't believe the happiness I see
11:49Oh, and well, I'll see you a darling
11:52Oh, I just caught one of those bloody
12:13Timbers on my head
12:14Oh, yes
12:15Must have been a nail sticking out or something
12:19Oh, shit
12:20Don't be any better than that
12:22It doesn't even look like real blood
12:24Mrs. Mildred, I'm not joking this time
12:27I think I need an ambulance
12:29Seriously
12:30Utterly pathetic
12:32Oh, God
12:37Here, sit down
12:38I'll go and see if we've got some bandages
12:40Thank you
12:41But you needn't bother
12:42I'll use one of these
12:43Oh, come on
12:48Come on
12:49That was a good'un
12:50You've got it with me
12:51Here
12:52This is the same stuff they use on casualty
12:55There's a place in London
12:57You can write off for it
12:58I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr. McKendrick
13:03I think it's sick
13:05Twice in a row I've had her now
13:07She went white as a sheet
13:09Turning into bloody Harry Worth now
13:28What's wrong with you?
13:34What's that?
13:34I didn't know you'd been to the bank today
13:36Haven't been to the bank
13:37Forty, sixty, eighty pounds
13:39I've been to the grocer on the corner
13:41And I found this on the floor
13:43By the crisp boxes
13:45Why did you hand it in?
13:47What?
13:48To Dodgy Douglas?
13:49Who takes three smarties out of every tube
13:51So that he can make one extra one?
13:53Well, he'd just pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?
13:55Well, you're going to go to the police with it then?
13:57Oh, nobody's going to go in
13:59And ask if someone's handed it in
14:01Forty, sixty, eighty pounds
14:05Well, you can't just keep it
14:09Why not?
14:11Well, it might belong to a little old lady
14:12An old-age pensioner or something
14:14There's a receipt
14:15Folded up inside
14:17For a meal at the Peking Palace
14:18Anybody who can afford to eat there
14:21Isn't going to miss eighty pounds
14:22And I'm hanging on to it
14:24And if you don't like it
14:25You can lump it
14:26The pair of you
14:28I just think
14:30The pair of us
14:33In you come
14:37That's the ticket
14:38Yes
14:43Now
14:44Up you go
14:47Come on
14:48Up
14:48There we are
14:51You're getting the hang of it now
14:52Aren't you?
14:53Yes
14:534291
15:00Hang on a sec
15:03Yes
15:11How do you spell that?
15:16Yeah
15:16Yeah
15:18Yes, thank you very much indeed
15:20That's a big help
15:21Thanks
15:22Bye
15:22Would you prefer it
15:29If I slept in the spare room tonight?
15:33What's got into you
15:34Since you came back from work tonight?
15:37I think
15:37I take it
15:40That was them
15:41They're ringing back
15:42The Peking Palace
15:43Yes
15:43I told you
15:44It would be easy enough to trace
15:45They just checked the bill
15:47Against Friday night's table reservations
15:49And
15:50Turns out to be a chap called Croker
15:52Apparently
15:53Lives outside
15:54Town at Cottleswood
15:56I thought I might
15:57Pop it over to him
15:58Tomorrow night
15:58After going to Sainsbury's
16:00Oh, did you?
16:01Fine
16:01Well, it's only right, isn't it?
16:04I mean, it's
16:04It is his money
16:05Yes
16:07Well, I'd better get ready for bed
16:10If you want me
16:12I'll be in the bathroom
16:12Sandpapering my breasts
16:14And the flooring?
16:21It's not for letting out a coffin
16:22Mr Meldroof
16:23We've got most of it down now
16:25Then we'll make a start
16:26On your rendering
16:27I've got to go for a few hours
16:29So
16:29If I nod back
16:31Where are they?
16:36And don't say they're not in here
16:38Because they're
16:38F***ing fans
16:39Parked outside
16:40Yes, you
16:42You
16:43Bona
16:43You f***ing layabouts
16:45Four f***ing weeks ago
16:46You were supposed to come
16:47And finish off my fence
16:48And I am still
16:49F***ing waking
16:50You're good
16:52Don't think you will
16:54If you'd had that fence up on time
16:56They wouldn't have come through
16:57With their football from next door
16:58And had his beak off
17:00Oh, you think that's f***ing funny, do you?
17:04I'll show you how f***ing funny it is
17:06Excuse me, this is my house
17:09And you're fighting
17:10What do you f***ing wet, Mr
17:11And I don't see why
17:12I should f***ing have to come up
17:13Please, don't close your temper
17:15You'll only do something you'll regret
17:17F***ing
17:17We can't see why for that
17:19That's all right
17:21Don't do anything silly up there
17:23Don't do anything I esteem, Mrs. Strickling
17:25Mrs. Strickling
17:26Excuse me
17:26I'm fighting her
17:27Excuse me
17:29I'm sorry about your pelican
17:31Mrs. Strickling
17:33Put that plate down
17:34Come on through, I'm just in the shower
17:36Come on through, I'm just in the shower
17:52Come on through, I'm just in the shower
18:00Come on through, I'm just in the shower
18:02Everything all right out there?
18:24Yes.
18:26Massive room in that garrows now.
18:29Since you've had it done.
18:30How are you, darling?
18:34Relieved, as ever, to get away from that man.
18:38Nothing's really that bad in between you and him.
18:40I don't know how much longer we're going to last the way things are going.
18:45Ah, well, you're here now, and we're in for the night.
18:48So let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?
18:51And get you...
18:54...upstairs.
18:55Oh, I know what I meant to ask you.
18:57When I was around your place yesterday, I didn't drop any money at all today.
18:59I didn't see any.
19:05There we are.
19:07Er, I thought we'd eat about half-eight, if that's OK with you.
19:10Give you time to settle in, freshen up.
19:12You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house.
19:16Where a man isn't going to suddenly start absoiling past your window, start bollock naked.
19:22And not the stench of a braised octopus drifting over your fence.
19:25Look, when we left this afternoon, I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on.
19:30People effing and blinding about pelicans.
19:33You just have to be there to believe it.
19:36Get ready!
19:57Oh, God!
19:59Oh, my God.
20:29You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it.
20:53What's it supposed to be this time?
20:55Massive concussion of some kind?
20:57Good.
20:58I hope it's knocked some bloody sense into your head.
21:06What's happened here?
21:08What's happened here?
21:10What's happened here?
21:12Oh, what's happened here?
21:14Oh, what?
21:16Oh, what's happened here?
21:18Oh, what?
21:20Oh, what's happened here?
21:22Oh, what's happened here?
21:24Oh, what's happened here?
21:26Oh, what's happened here?
21:28Oh, what's happened here?
21:30Oh, I need an ambulance immediately.
21:31Oh, what's happened here?
21:32Oh, what's happened here?
21:33Oh, what's happened here?
21:34Oh, what's happened here?
21:35Oh, what's happened here?
21:36Oh, what's happened here?
21:37Oh, I need an ambulance immediately.
21:44That's very kind, Mrs. Meldred.
21:47Well, we've got a van outside.
21:51Free up to me, I think.
21:53You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid.
21:55Get out of here.
21:58Careful.
22:00Has he been at it again?
22:03Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Lawrence.
22:05See you at nine, Mrs. Meldred.
22:08Oh, and be careful with that hatch.
22:10We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster.
22:12Just until tomorrow, OK?
22:14Yes! Goodbye!
22:16Goodbye!
22:18Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:19Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:25Hmm.
22:35This is her life.
22:39Do you fancy a beer or something?
22:41Oh, you could bring me a small Campari.
22:43Ooh.
22:54Glasses.
22:56Glasses.
22:57What are you doing here?
23:21Where's he going, then?
23:35He's in the larder.
23:37What?
23:38He's downstairs in the larder.
23:40Who is?
23:42Who?
23:42Well, who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag
23:47of potatoes?
23:48Mr. Meldred.
23:50Is he some sort of Joe?
23:53Metaphysically speaking, I suppose.
23:55Yes.
23:56But the temerity to ask me what I was doing here.
24:02Time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer.
24:05And if they still advertise him in People's Friend.
24:20God almighty.
24:21You know what?
24:22It only belonged to her bloody brother next door.
24:26I thought she'd gone there for a dirty weekend.
24:29I hid in the bloody cupboard.
24:32Talk of a total laughingstock.
24:34You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk.
24:58What?
24:59What?
24:59What?
25:03What?
25:03What's the matter with you?
25:09Got a splinter in your tongue?
25:11What?
25:14Splinter in my tongue?
25:15Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue?
25:18I've no idea.
25:20I don't believe you could do a thing like this.
25:24Shame, isn't it?
25:25When someone has a mind of their own.
25:27When you can't control everything they do.
25:29Like nice little dumb blondes.
25:31It's only a lump of wood, Margaret.
25:34That's all it is.
25:35That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her and sticking her head up her skirt for the last week.
25:44Have you gone stark raving mad?
25:46Yes, probably.
25:48I wouldn't be surprised.
25:50I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age.
25:53You're not fit for anything anymore.
25:55Yes.
25:56I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?
25:58Explain what?
25:59Why, I've lost my job!
26:08Rupert.
26:15When did this happen?
26:18Yesterday.
26:20Mr Farmer came in.
26:23Said they were closing the shop.
26:24Well, business wasn't there anymore, and that was it.
26:30Said as from five o'clock yesterday afternoon, we needn't bother coming in anymore.
26:36All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital.
26:41That's why you wanted to keep the money.
26:43Why didn't you say?
26:46Well, I couldn't.
26:48I didn't...
26:48The thought of what's going to happen to me now, what I'm going to turn into.
27:00What are you going to turn into?
27:04You.
27:11Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls.
27:15I was frightened.
27:20I'm sorry.
27:22Oh, I'm sorry.
27:27Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk?
27:31Yes, right.
27:32I'll go and pour us two large ones.
27:35If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today.
27:38Oh, Victor, if you're opening up that hat, she says, be careful, because they've just put a bag of blaster inside.
27:49No, I'm sorry.
27:50They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too wrong in the tooth.
28:03I've started to deteriorate, and now I've passed my own sell-by date.
28:09Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true.
28:13I have to pop my teeth into tube.
28:17And my old knees have started to knock.
28:20I've just got too many miles on the clock.
28:24So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways.
28:28It's true that my body has seen better days.
28:31But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave.
28:35One foot in the grave, one foot in the grave, one foot in the grave.
Recommended
28:54
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