- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30Oh, God Almighty!
00:42Put it over as witnesses.
00:44Don't they ever leave people alone?
00:46Descending on your house every week like a plate of boils?
00:57Hilton, what are you doing?
00:58Oh, what does it look as though I'm doing?
01:01Castrating an elephant?
01:04They know someone's in our cars outside.
01:12Good morning! Oh, no, you were in the bath.
01:15Oh, I do beg your pardon.
01:16Yes, just getting ready to go out, I'm afraid.
01:18Otherwise, I'd love to stay and chat, but nice to have met you anyway.
01:22Bye!
01:22Bye!
01:25But you've always got to be so bloody cheerful for, is what I'd like to know.
01:28Yes, well, not everyone in life's the congenital misery guts.
01:33I didn't hurt you to lighten up once in a blue moon.
01:36See the world in a more optimistic light for a change.
01:39Oh, yes, after that hideous performance last night, you mean?
01:43Coming home from the fish shop to find a severed finger in my bag of chips.
01:47It's us, Ruthie.
01:49In case you hadn't noticed, we've been cursed with bad luck since the day we were born.
01:54I'd noticed.
01:55OK, how can I put this, folks?
02:00It's a little bit Brian Riggs, wouldn't you say?
02:03Let's be honest, any broader you'd be performing in a circus ring.
02:07Specifically?
02:08Specifically, you're looking at a plot here no audience in the West End is ever going to buy into.
02:14I mean, finding someone's finger in a bag of chips.
02:17And then you've got the scene where he hilariously ends up in the bath with that old lady.
02:21And listen, the biggest problem of all is your central character.
02:26People want someone with warmth.
02:28Someone they can relate to.
02:30I don't know what planet this guy's off, but it's certainly not Earth.
02:33Well, you say that, but here's the thing.
02:35I've actually met this man in real life, and I'm telling you, everything you've just seen happened.
02:40There is no way I could invent this kind of stuff.
02:43At least stay and see how it plays tonight.
02:45You can't always judge till the audience are in.
02:51Another hubcap in the marigolds.
03:10I don't know why I bother sometimes.
03:13After three hours lugging all that other stuff up to the tip this afternoon.
03:18What's this?
03:19Oh, they tried to deliver a parcel this morning, apparently.
03:22I don't know what that'll be.
03:24We're not expecting anything.
03:26Oh, these are nearly cold.
03:30Which chippy did you go to?
03:32Not that one with the mad Italians, I hope, that are always arguing with each other.
03:36They do a nice piece of gurnet.
03:39There was some rare fun and games there last night, if you believe everything you hear.
03:44That chap who runs the place, Enrico, apparently was caught by his wife at it with her best friend.
03:52What, you mean?
03:53In the shop, behind the counter with the lights out.
03:56Putting on what he thought was a contraceptive turned out to be a sachet of mustard.
04:00His wife heard the screams, ran downstairs and tried to batter them both to death.
04:08Of course, the batter was cold, so she went completely doolally with a meat cleaver.
04:13Good grief!
04:15Did she do any damage?
04:16That we don't know, the way people were gathering away their 19 to the dozen tonight.
04:21I did hear the words, hacked off, but...
04:25Then she was, poor woman.
04:28Oh, these'll be fine when they're warmed up.
04:38Mrs. Warboys, I hope that's not my favourite clothes prop you're cutting up.
04:42Margaret said I could take it back for firewooders who don't use it anymore.
05:12By the way, I've run a bath for you if you want to freshen up before we eat.
05:29Oh, yes.
05:30That'll be just the ticket.
05:42Having selected a mature female, the male now waits until she is settled in the water.
05:58Oh, yes.
06:12Then proceeds to attach his jelly-like protuberance to the body.
06:23Oh, my God!
06:26Oh, my God!
06:26Oh, my God!
06:29Oh, my God!
06:31Oh, my God!
06:42Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, have I?
07:02That much is evident.
07:08I should think she'll be afraid to go to sleep in the bath ever again for fear of what might
07:13suddenly land on her face.
07:15I mean, I cannot believe that someone would just plonk themselves down.
07:20All right, all right, Margaret, all right.
07:22Bad enough it happened.
07:24Can we just drop it, please?
07:27The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap.
07:33I think one of my crowns has come loose.
07:36I'm not sure I can manage this meat pie now.
07:41Just try eating the chips.
07:44Yes.
07:45Yes, I might be able to manage it.
07:48What is it?
08:00What?
08:04Is that a...
08:05someone's finger?
08:10Oh, God.
08:12Oh, tell me it's not.
08:13Surely.
08:17It's been deep fried.
08:22I think I need some fresh air.
08:29What are you doing?
08:31Looking to see if there are any more.
08:33But lying out loud isn't one enough?
08:37Go and get a flask.
08:38A what?
08:38A thermos flask and fill it with ice.
08:40If we get it up to the hospital quickly,
08:42they might be able to do something with it.
08:46Like what?
08:48Oh, pick the ruddy noses.
08:50How would I know?
08:52Just get the thing out of this house.
09:00Oh, God.
09:03What a day.
09:06Talk about one thing after another.
09:08Did you remember to rinse that flask out
09:11when you got back from the hospital?
09:14Yes.
09:16Suppose it would have been a miracle
09:17if they had managed to sew that thing back on.
09:20After all that,
09:22the things people get up to,
09:25well, you wouldn't credit it.
09:31What are you doing all that for at this time of night?
09:34Well, I suddenly remembered,
09:35it's tomorrow that cleaning woman's coming.
09:38I don't want her to find the place looking like a pigsty.
09:44But the whole point about getting a cleaner
09:47was to give you a rest.
09:49You know, you can't go at it the way you used to.
09:51Yes.
09:52Well, there's something about her
09:53that makes me feel very inadequate.
09:55If she kept her clothes on while she was here,
09:58it would be a start.
10:01Running about in that skimpy bra.
10:03You can't tell me she gets that hot.
10:07What are you talking about, skimpy bra?
10:09That's a bikini top, surely.
10:11Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you.
10:16But that is definitely a bra.
10:19I'd stake my life on it.
10:21Well, they both look exactly the same.
10:25What difference does it make?
10:30As long as she's got somewhere to tuck her dusters.
10:37Just one of those things we'll never know.
10:40You're in a funny mood tonight.
10:45What is it?
10:47Hmm?
10:49Oh.
10:50Just a bit tired after all that other palaver.
10:54Night-night.
10:58Night.
11:00Hmm.
11:10Dear Mimsy,
11:17I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision.
11:21For the last 13 years,
11:24my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar.
11:31But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit.
11:37Any guidance you can give us on this matter
11:40would be much appreciated.
11:42It's tragic, really.
11:44The things people write in about.
11:46I mean, listen to this one.
11:48I have developed a thick white coating on my tongue
11:51which I'm worried may be dandruff.
11:56And despite gargling twice a day with head and shoulders,
11:59the problem does not seem to go away.
12:06So, how's Victor this morning?
12:09He not up yet?
12:10No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest.
12:14Seemed to have something on his mind.
12:16That he evidently didn't want to talk about, so...
12:20Oh, boiling now.
12:32If that's water-resistant, I'm a Dutchman.
12:34Well, exactly.
12:38Yes, my name's Mildrew, 19 Riverbank.
12:42I believe you've got a parcel for us.
12:44And I was just...
12:45Ah, any time before six.
12:49Okay, then.
12:49Right, thank you.
12:50Bye.
12:51Hello.
12:59Oh, Enrico, how are you today?
13:03Are you still in hospital?
13:05Oh, have they, really?
13:07Did I, er...
13:08Did I leave a nozzle in here?
13:10Yeah.
13:10Well, no, no, no, no, no, there's no need to go to all that trouble.
13:17Yeah.
13:20Er, all right, Enrico, I look forward to that.
13:23Yes, bye.
13:24Katie, are you well?
13:26How's the play going these days?
13:27Oh, good question.
13:29I read it to my boyfriend last night, who, like, just totally hated it.
13:32What did he say?
13:33Well, he said I'd done a sensational job,
13:35but men'll say anything, won't they, when they want to get laid.
13:37The subtext was definitely,
13:39don't give up your day job.
13:42Anyway, how's everything in this room?
13:43All right for you?
13:44Er, yes, you've done a sensational job.
13:48Very nice, thank you.
13:50Oh, God, it's never ten to one.
13:51I've got a dental appointment in town at two.
13:53I've got to rush, Mr Mildrew.
13:55Bye.
13:56Bye.
13:57Unbelievable.
14:00He's only invited himself round here for lunch now.
14:03Who has?
14:04A chip shop waller, Enrico.
14:07He said he was very grateful that I'd taken his finger back last night.
14:11Now he wants to treat us to a large portion of haddock.
14:14Where are you off to?
14:16Well, I'm not sitting here all morning watching Snow White get her kit off.
14:21He said we'd pop down the health shop,
14:23see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder.
14:24It's like one long pain now going right up into my jaw.
14:29Dreading going up to see him now about this tooth.
14:32Oh, of course, because you're allergic to the injections.
14:35I don't know what it is, a novocaine or whatever.
14:38Always makes me horribly sick.
14:40Remember last time when I brought my liver up?
14:42Those suction tubes can barely cope with a mouthful of gravy.
14:51Well, there must be other ways they can numb you.
14:54Don't you ever thought about going to a different dentist?
15:02I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico.
15:05I've got off chips for the moment.
15:06Thanks all the same.
15:08Ah, just a nibble.
15:10It's good, right?
15:13Like being suckled by Angela Rippon.
15:16Just melts in the mouth.
15:19Listen, Victor.
15:20I was deeply touched, you know, when you brought that back to me last night.
15:24Other men would have flashed down the crapper.
15:26But, Victor, now...
15:29Listen, how many years now you come into my shop?
15:32Doesn't matter.
15:34Enrico knows.
15:35Can't spot a man of superior intellect.
15:38Because, for me, right now, it's a big problem, right?
15:43Two nights ago, my wife catched me with her best friend on floor of the shop, behind the counter.
15:49Yes, I heard.
15:50You heard?
15:51It's very possible.
15:52I make plenty of noise.
15:55But then this morning, I come home from hospital.
15:58I know just what to do.
15:59Get both women together, and I tell them, it's only one way to choose between them.
16:05We'll let Victor decide.
16:09What?
16:10We'll let Victor Melchior make the decision, like Judgment of Solomon.
16:15Now, it's not easy, for sure.
16:18They are both very beautiful.
16:22Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife.
16:26But Phyllis, you know, wow.
16:30Well, Enrico, I, um, have you thought of writing to one of these people in the paper?
16:37I'm sure they can advise you much better than I can, because, um, and anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly to the post office.
16:43So, perhaps I'll just, um, perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up.
16:47Ha, ha, ha.
16:54Hey, Victor, it's a fantastic idea, right?
16:57Check it out.
16:58Mimsy Berkovits.
16:59Am I lost in love or seeking solace in sex?
17:03Whatever my emotional dilemma, Mimsy can help me.
17:08Maybe write to her.
17:09She tell me what to do.
17:10Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico.
17:12Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now, so unfortunately, you have to...
17:15Yes, before you go, Victor, do me one tiny favour.
17:18Oh, hello.
17:35Did you make it in time, then, in the end?
17:37Sorry?
17:38The dental appointment.
17:40Oh, yes.
17:41Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I'm not quite with it yet.
17:43I'm still a bit spaced out, I think.
17:45Oh, right.
17:46From the anaesthetic?
17:47Uh, hypnosis, actually.
17:50Hypnosis?
17:50I know, it's amazing.
17:52She's, she's Taiwanese.
17:53She uses, like, this kind of hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant.
17:57You don't feel any pain, don't remember any of what happened to anything.
17:59Oh.
18:00What's that, uh, new pair of cufflinks?
18:04Huh.
18:04To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea who it's from or anything.
18:08Oh, well, I'll, uh, I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew.
18:10Bye, Katie.
18:12Take care.
18:21What are you up to?
18:23She's supposed to have done that once this morning.
18:26Supposed to is right.
18:27Oh, my God.
18:32Was that it?
18:35What do you think it is?
18:37I don't know.
18:37There's nothing on the outside to say who sent it or anything.
18:42Oh.
18:43I tell you what I did find when I was out.
18:46A dentist that might be handy for you-know-who.
18:49Apparently, there's one that cleaner goes to,
18:53who uses hypnotism in her patients.
18:55She puts them under, and they don't feel any pain or anything.
19:02What in the name of all that's holy?
19:05Where did it come from?
19:17That can't possibly be for us.
19:20Mr and Mrs Meldrew, 19 Riverbank.
19:24Well, well, there must be a letter or a note.
19:30I mean, what the hell is it for?
19:35Perhaps it's a pre-gift.
19:37A free gift!
19:40Oh, hang on.
19:41Well, there's something written underneath here.
19:46What did it say?
19:48It says...
19:50Best before January 2001.
19:53Oh, sorry, Mr Meldrew.
20:04I thought we said ten o'clock.
20:07Perhaps I'll just take my own car.
20:09Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Warpoise.
20:11I'll be with you in just a jiffy.
20:12Now, if you could get the car out of the garage,
20:15that would be one big help.
20:16Yes.
20:18Yes, all right.
20:22Still don't know if it's the answer.
20:25Hypnotherapy, you know.
20:26I mean, what if they can't bring me out of a trance?
20:30I could turn into a vegetable
20:32doing a strip tease every time anyone claps their hands.
20:37Oh.
20:39This is very lifelike, isn't it?
20:42It all must be real.
20:45What?
20:45Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist
20:49who said I should definitely give it a try
20:51and he's given me a copy of the X-ray
20:54to take along and everything, but...
20:56What's that?
20:58Bad news?
20:59Well, I found it in that letter rack.
21:04Mimsy Berkowitz?
21:07Is this Victor's handwriting?
21:10What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt?
21:14I don't know.
21:16There was obviously something on his mind the other night.
21:18My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble?
21:22Why ever do you say that?
21:25Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty.
21:29Let's see if I can pick it open.
21:31No, do you?
21:33If he's got some kind of problem
21:35that he feels he can't share with me,
21:36that's his look out.
21:37I'm sorry.
21:38Yes, well, um...
21:45I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out.
21:49Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem
22:06and need your advice.
22:08Recently, I have developed an insane passion
22:11for my wife's best friend.
22:12And I will lose.
22:15I totally worship her.
22:19Ever since we shared an intimate moment together
22:22a few nights ago,
22:23I cannot stop thinking about her.
22:25Oh, my God.
22:30There we are, then.
22:33Sorry about that.
22:34Well, I'll sit.
22:45Try not to worry about it.
22:48I think he's going to be absolutely fine.
23:04Mrs. Walboys?
23:06Uh, yes.
23:07First time here, yes?
23:09Yes.
23:11And feeling a bit nervous about it all,
23:15if truth be told.
23:17You say something about a crown, right?
23:19Yes.
23:20Oh, and Mr. Spigot gave me this to give to you,
23:23which will make far more sense to you
23:25than it does to me.
23:26Mm.
23:34Oh, OK.
23:36I see.
23:37It's been giving me such chip, I can't tell you.
23:42And I've been saying to myself for weeks
23:44I must get this shoulder done,
23:46but you know what it is.
23:47OK, fine.
23:49First of all, Mrs. Walboys,
23:52just relax, OK?
23:54And keep very, very still.
24:01Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing this floor.
24:04You sure you haven't secretly been
24:06mopping it all over before I got here?
24:09Oh, by the way,
24:10thanks for putting us on to that dentist of yours.
24:13That is just what our friend was looking for.
24:16Amazing to think they can do that now.
24:19Give you fillings and everything,
24:20just with hypnotherapy.
24:22Oh, no, it's fantastic.
24:23It's not my dentist, though, does all that.
24:25I wish it was.
24:28Not your dentist?
24:29Well, who was it you'd just been to see
24:32when Victor ran into you?
24:43Hello, Jackie Tanks.
24:45Um, Mr. Meldrum?
24:48Your wife?
24:53Hello, yes.
24:55Yes, we're still here.
24:56Yes, I think she should be out at any minute.
25:01What?
25:08No, you...
25:09I...
25:10I'll speak to you later.
25:14All completed now.
25:15I hope she will be pleased.
25:31Er, yes.
25:35Mrs. Wallboys.
25:39Mrs. Wallboys.
25:40Oh, Mr. Wall...
25:55Sorry.
25:59Er, I...
25:59I just get your coat.
26:00Where in God's name is she?
26:06And why did she have to shoot off on her own like that anyway?
26:09It doesn't make any sense.
26:11I've no idea.
26:12After we came out,
26:12she said she had to go to the post office
26:14and she was going to come back here on the bus
26:16to pick up her car.
26:18You can give me some very strange looks all day,
26:21come to that.
26:22Well,
26:23when she does get here,
26:25you are going to tell her
26:27everything.
26:29My God,
26:30you've cocked some things up in your time,
26:32Victor,
26:32but this one takes the biscuit.
26:35I don't know who was in a bigger trance,
26:36her or you.
26:40Don't tell me
26:40that bulb's gone again already.
26:46No,
26:47all off now.
26:48It'll just be the trip switch needs resetting.
26:50Do you want me to do it?
26:51No, I can manage.
26:53Anyone in?
26:55Sorry,
26:55it was murder around the buses tonight.
26:58Oh,
26:59oh,
26:59Mr. Meldrum.
27:01Oh,
27:01what's going on?
27:02It's all right,
27:03Mrs. Warboys.
27:04Come right in.
27:05No,
27:05I'm sorry,
27:06I can't stay.
27:07I just came to collect my keys,
27:08which I think I left here.
27:10Yes,
27:11but you're not in a rush,
27:12are you?
27:12I thought it might be an idea
27:14if we just sat down
27:15and had a little chat.
27:16Oh,
27:17my God,
27:18what's that horrible rubbery thing?
27:24You came away from me,
27:26Mr. Meldrum.
27:26Mrs. Warboys.
27:27Help!
27:29No!
27:29Mrs. Warboys.
27:31No,
27:31God!
27:32No!
27:33No!
27:33Help!
27:34Help!
27:36Jean?
27:37Uh,
27:39I'll talk to you later.
27:57Bye.
27:57Do you ever get the feeling
28:06you just like to go to sleep
28:08and not wake up the next morning?
28:12Every night.
28:14You'd have to worry then.
28:16You'd have to keep trying
28:17to make sense of it all.
28:20Oh,
28:20what?
28:21Us.
28:23Us.
28:23This.
28:26Everything.
28:26It's like when I was at the hospital
28:28the other night,
28:28I don't know.
28:30And you see it all there,
28:32don't you?
28:33The whole thing under one roof.
28:37Birth.
28:38Death.
28:39Death.
28:41All the misery in between.
28:43I remember reading an article once
28:45that said
28:45all our lives
28:46are just a temporary blip
28:48in the long,
28:50meaningless void
28:51of eternity.
28:54And that we'll never know
28:55where we came from
28:56or what we're doing here.
28:58or why a grown woman
29:01would suddenly
29:02jam a courgette
29:03in the door.
29:06I mean,
29:08it's not even as if
29:09she could have mistaken it
29:10in the dark
29:11for something else.
29:12Oh.
29:28What the hell did you think
29:40he was trying to do?
29:42And with a thing like that,
29:43who do you think I'm married to,
29:45champion the Wonder Horse?
29:47Make it a spring onion,
29:49we'd be getting closer
29:50to the mark.
29:58Look, we're on the end of a pier.
30:01They're not going to be
30:02the most demanding house
30:03in the world.
30:04They're laughing.
30:04But the laughter is meaningless.
30:07You put this in front of people
30:08who think
30:08they're going to ask
30:09too many questions.
30:11Like, what the hell
30:11was the deal
30:12with that giant fly?
30:14You can't just set up
30:15something like that
30:16and then never explain it.
30:17But they never did explain it.
30:19It just became like
30:20this total unsolved mystery,
30:21which is what I love about it.
30:23Sorry, Katie.
30:24There's some interesting stuff here,
30:25but bottom line,
30:27the writing has to be
30:28convincing.
30:29And end of the day,
30:31I'm afraid for me,
30:32that's the biggest
30:32single problem.
30:35I don't believe it.
30:43They say I might as well
30:45face the truth
30:46But I am just
30:48too wrong in the tooth
30:49I started to
30:51deteriorate
30:53And now I've passed
30:55my own sell-by date
30:56Oh, I am no spring chicken
30:59It's true
31:00I have to pop my teeth
31:03nothing to chew
31:03And my old knees
31:05have started to knock
31:07I've just got too many miles
31:10on the clock
31:10So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
31:13set in my ways
31:15It's true that my body
31:17has seen better days
31:18But give me off a chance
31:20and I can still misbehave
31:22One foot in the grave
31:24I'm one foot in the grave
31:28I'm one foot in the grave
31:32I'm one foot in the grave
31:33I'm one foot in the grave
31:34I'm one foot in the grave
31:34I'm one foot in the grave
31:35I'm one foot in the grave
31:36I'm one foot in the grave
31:37I'm one foot in the grave
31:38I'm one foot in the grave
31:39I'm one foot in the grave
31:40I'm one foot in the grave
31:41I'm one foot in the grave
31:42I'm one foot in the grave
31:43I'm one foot in the grave
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