- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30Well, that's that, Owe, for another year.
00:46The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see great-aunt Joyce.
00:51It's more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there.
00:55Isn't my imagination?
00:57Why has it got coal in here?
00:59Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they?
01:03A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand.
01:08Trying to tell me I'd grow into them.
01:12What are you going to need for me next time?
01:14A balaclava with two heads?
01:17Yes.
01:18Well, if you ever get to that, it...
01:20Oh, what a love of my...
01:24What is it, Fusker?
01:26I hope you like this bloody mouse.
01:30Why did I even think it would be a good idea to say it needed repapering?
01:35I must want my head testing.
01:37Can't understand it.
01:39Put enough paste in this to sink a battleship.
01:42Slapping it here, there and everywhere like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel.
01:49What are we going to do with this?
01:50Save it till we need a giant elastoplast?
01:54There are some of those refuse bags in the shed.
01:57You'd better bring half a dozen.
01:58Look at that.
02:11Just sit right through it.
02:15I'm telling you, if she has to spend another night here, I may have to kill her.
02:19I mean...
02:20Yes.
02:21Well, she was a lot upset this last week.
02:24I mean, you wouldn't like it if your flat was flooded and you had nowhere else to stay.
02:27Oh, what a shame, after all the work he put into it this morning.
02:55Oh, is it so late already?
02:56Oh, those antihistamines are making me a bit dopey, I think.
03:02Yes.
03:04Anyway, you have a nice time over there.
03:08How was she?
03:09Yeah, I thought.
03:10Same as usual.
03:12Look at the curtains gone.
03:14Oh, yes, I took them down to the dry cleaners for you and the ones in the front bedroom.
03:19Talk about long overdue for a wash.
03:25Did they come to take that picture back?
03:28Picture?
03:28The enlargement we had done at the photoshop that went horribly wrong.
03:34Oh, they said they'd pick it up about four o'clock.
03:36Oh, yes, yes, I remember now, yes.
03:40No, they didn't.
03:41Unless it was them at the front door when I was in the bath.
03:47About four o'clock time.
03:50Oh, when I turned off the central heating, I didn't think it was helping Nikki's tummy bug.
03:56Wasn't it?
03:59No.
04:00According to my book, it's not very good for cockatiels.
04:03Too much hot air with no moisture.
04:06No.
04:07Quite good for drying out wallpaper, possibly.
04:09But not for his little tummy.
04:13Anyway, I'd better be getting on up now, then.
04:17Take my face off.
04:19See you in the morning, Margaret.
04:21Night, Jean!
04:22And now she'll be in that bloody bathroom for an hour and a half, taking her face off.
04:41Bottle of hydrochloric acid, we could do it in ten seconds.
04:46There's a lot worse than her.
04:48You've just got to have a bit of patience.
04:52It seems to be doing the trick, then, does it?
04:56What's that?
04:57This, well, whatever it is that person does to your feet and that quack you've started going to in Banbury Crescent.
05:03She's not a quack.
05:05It's called reflexology.
05:06It's a recognised science.
05:08She just stimulates different parts of your foot and it reduces all your anxiety and stress.
05:14And you come away ready to cope with life's little problems.
05:18It'll never last.
05:29You cocky little bastard!
05:34You know what you can do with it as well, don't you?
05:37I don't care!
05:38Where are my bloody money goes?
05:40I don't know what you can do with it as well.
06:00Morning.
06:01I just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you.
06:04Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you?
06:09I mean, you couldn't hope to keep this place spotless and I wouldn't expect it of you.
06:14I take it there's still no news, then, of when you could move back into your flat.
06:19Oh, no.
06:20Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out until the rains have let out.
06:26No.
06:26Oh, yes, any time you like, matey.
06:33Wherever you like.
06:39Unbelievable.
06:40Do you see what he'd done?
06:42Who?
06:42That chimney sweep working number 12 across the road.
06:45He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn.
06:49I'll give him nowhere else to park.
06:52Cocky bastard.
06:53He wasn't going to move it either if I hadn't threatened to let his tires down.
06:59Sweep his chimney for him next time he tries that lark.
07:03Oh.
07:04Is that this morning's local?
07:06Exclusive pics from MP's gay love nest.
07:11More rubbish they've dug up.
07:14Now then.
07:15Now then.
07:16Where are we?
07:17I don't suppose for one second that they've printed.
07:21Oh.
07:21Success.
07:24What?
07:25Is your letter in there, then?
07:27Yes.
07:29Oh.
07:30Can you believe this?
07:32Listen to this.
07:35On Monday night, I wrote to you a paper complaining about supermarket trolleys and public lavatories.
07:40And was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed, Polly the Penguin of the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary.
07:47Well, elsewhere on the page was a report incorrectly stating that I had just laid a five-pound egg for the first time at captivity.
07:57Greater accuracy by your proofreaders in future would be much appreciated.
08:02Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it?
08:03Yes, that's what I wrote, but look what's underneath.
08:06You're sincerely Mildred Herring, 13th Bolsover House Red Cross.
08:11I mean, I don't really, I didn't make these mistakes.
08:19Who the hell's Mildred Herring?
08:22I think she's the editor, isn't she?
08:25Yes, look, up here.
08:28If you have any views about local matters, please send them to the editor, Victor Mildred Herring, 19th.
08:36Oh, yeah, exactly the same thing.
08:39Bloody paper.
08:41I mean, how do they make these mistakes?
08:43I don't know why I bought...
08:45Oh, oh, good for the name of bloody hell!
08:49I don't know why I still had this ruddy thing.
09:06And the points are all rusty as...
09:09When did you last have a tetanus?
09:12Percy.
09:12Oh.
09:14Oh.
09:15Oh.
09:19Just stand there and don't panic.
09:22I think we've got some of them to stay here for me.
09:26Don't panic.
09:30Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well.
09:33Oh, if it's not one thing...
09:34She's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose.
09:39Hang around there for three hours.
09:41I mean, you can't come down to breakfast without getting a spike up your...
09:51Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny.
09:57That's just about the level of your...
09:59Morning, Mr. Meldrew.
10:19You need a bath?
10:20Oh, no.
10:25Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it?
10:28Just up here getting a tetanus booster.
10:32So, what about...
10:34Oh, yes, fine, thank you.
10:36Yes, I'm only in for an overnight.
10:38Not before time.
10:39My foreskin's been on the waiting list nearly three years.
10:42It's terrible when you get stuck in a bottleneck like that.
10:51Beg your pardon?
10:52I wasn't sorry to see the back of it.
10:53I don't mind saying it.
10:54Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you,
10:57only we've got a bit of a do on at home tomorrow night.
11:00It's the annual knees-up of the Dixon of Doc Green Appreciation Society,
11:03and things can sometimes get a bit merry round about half past nine,
11:08so do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you?
11:11I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance.
11:13Ah, yes.
11:14Well, I'm sure it shouldn't do that.
11:16Anyway, let's see if I can find my way out now, I suppose,
11:20and good luck with the other.
11:23Oh, thank you very much.
11:25Can you see down the end?
11:26You'll let him take more plaster off.
11:29Hmm?
11:31Turn right there, and you'll be out in the car park.
11:38Yes.
11:39All right.
11:41Well, that was as clear as mud.
11:55Two and a half hours,
11:56and I still haven't the faintest idea what it was all about.
11:59You can't beat a good mystery.
12:05Yes, but I mean, who did it then, in the end?
12:08The short, fat one with the ginger moustache.
12:16How could it have been her?
12:20She fell out of a helicopter halfway through,
12:23going over Cheddar Gorge.
12:25Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you?
12:28That's where they were clever.
12:29Half the character could even learn about who they were meant to be.
12:39And another thing.
12:40If that man who looked like David Dimbleby was supposed to know who the killer was,
12:44why did he arrange to meet him under a bridge at half past three in the morning?
12:47And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat that kept running through the woods in slow motion?
12:55I never did find out what that was all about.
12:57Oh, it's only a story.
13:02Oh, are you going for another session with your reflexologist tomorrow in Banbury Crescent?
13:09I was planning to, yes.
13:11Only I wondered if you'd just pop by the flat for me and pick up a few clothes.
13:17I've written a list out here.
13:20Yes, I expect so.
13:25How exactly does it work again, this treatment?
13:29I was wondering if I ought to book myself a few sessions.
13:33Well, there's nothing much to it, really.
13:35You just lie back and close your eyes and you go off into a kind of trance.
13:40Then she just manipulates different bits of your feet with her little finger.
13:46And then 20 minutes later, you come away and it's wonderful.
13:50Feeling all relaxed and tickety.
13:59Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
14:05To eliminate him from their inquiries.
14:10Oh, I see.
14:12The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.
14:16Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.
14:25They must serve a purpose.
14:31How's Nicky's tummy today?
14:32Did you take him up to the bird hospital?
14:34Yes.
14:35They put him onto some antibiotic millet,
14:38which is supposed to be very good.
14:39This is nice.
14:45Not that I can taste it with my allergy, of course.
14:49It might be absolutely horrible.
14:54I'm sure it's really delicious.
14:56So, whose head was that in the fridge?
15:03That never fitted into the plot either, as far as I could see.
15:07That was her boyfriend, wasn't it?
15:10So, who killed him then?
15:12Nobody.
15:13I thought he was supposed to have committed suicide.
15:15Go on.
15:18And then stuck his own head in the fridge.
15:22Oh, how on earth are you meant to fathom these things out?
15:25I mean, you say it's just a story,
15:27but there's got to be some point to it all.
15:29I mean, you can't just have a lot of weird things all happening for no reason.
15:32Why not?
15:36Well, because.
15:38Otherwise, nothing that happens would make any sense.
15:41No.
15:43No.
15:43No.
16:11No.
16:41No.
16:43No.
16:45No.
16:49No.
17:06No.
17:06Dear editor, I wonder if through your columns
17:24I might express my concern about several loose paving slabs
17:29outside the off-license in Gosport Terrace.
17:33Oh, yes, I agree with that one.
17:36I wish I was the editor of that thing.
17:39A few letters I'd print in it straight away, I'll tell you.
17:44Dear Mr. Meldrew, I was utterly appalled by your front page article this week.
17:51Featuring photos of our local MP and his partner taken through a bedroom window.
17:58There is no justification for this blatant invasion of privacy.
18:02Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one.
18:05When you cleaned this cage out this morning, are you sure you closed the door properly?
18:12Why? What are you...
18:14Oh, my God. Oh, Nicky. Nicky. Where is he?
18:21Oh, my God. I knew this would happen someday.
18:24Oh, where are you, Nicky?
18:26Oh, no, no, no, no, keep calm, Mrs. Warboys. We don't know his... Mrs. Warboys.
18:34Oh, Mrs. Warboys, I'm sorry, but no.
18:37I just thought I saw something fluttering up there.
18:40I have not carried me up another bloody tree just to bring down a piece of soggy white toilet paper.
18:45I mean, how can you get it up there anyway?
18:46What if he's been eaten by a cat?
18:51Well, at least you'll be in the dry.
18:53You can keep the key so you can get back indoors. I feel like a drowned rat.
18:58Key, Miss Meldroop?
19:00This morning, you asked if you could borrow my key for the day so you could...
19:04I left it in the hall table for you to...
19:09Brilliant!
19:17Margaret will be back soon.
19:19Not for another hour, she won't.
19:21Must stay here to face to death.
19:34Deer, dear, dear, dear, dear.
19:36It sounds like a right hole to do, doesn't it?
19:38Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off and come inside and join in the fun.
19:43Everybody, this is Mr. Meldroop from next door and his friend Mrs. Warboys.
19:50They've been looking for their cockatiel and got locked out of the house, if you can believe such a thing.
19:54What do we say to them?
19:56Evening, all.
19:58Now, would either of you like a nice, strong drop of whiskey to warm yourselves up?
20:03Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss, thank you very much.
20:05No, no, no, you have to say, no, thank you, sir, not while I'm on duty.
20:09That's part of the silliness.
20:11Mr. Christmas, would you pop through and put the kettle on again, will you?
20:15And now, Mr. Partridge and Mr. Gallimore, if you both like to budge up so that they can sit down.
20:20There we are.
20:22That's the ticket.
20:23Now, I don't know if you're into party games at all, but we were just in the middle of a bout of hangman, so do feel free to join in.
20:31Now, um, who's going, well, it was yours, Mr. Gallimore, I think.
20:35Uh, gee.
20:36Uh, no, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he?
20:39Uh, Mr. Meldra, you care to have a stab at it at all?
20:41Bye.
20:43Bye.
20:43Bye.
20:44Bye.
20:45Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:15Ha, ha, ha.
21:17See you very soon.
21:24Where have you been until this hour?
21:27God, twenty past nine.
21:30I'm ready for a bath.
21:33Sir, this evening's local.
21:35Don't expect they've printed that second correction yet.
21:38I went for a drink with Meg after work.
21:41I did ring, but of course there was no answer.
21:44Can you believe it?
21:49All the time we've been out searching for...
21:51Oh, you little terror.
21:54We've been climbing up trees and everything.
21:57Come along. Let's get you upstairs.
22:01Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:02My...
22:03God!
22:04I feel as though I've been up the Amazon and back today.
22:10I do street.
22:11Oh, yes.
22:13The old tension coming on again, is it?
22:17I expect you need another session with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent.
22:24Quite soothing, is it, the treatment you get up there?
22:28Yes, why?
22:30As you lie on a bed with your eyes closed, drifting into a trance.
22:36Quite soothing, as she runs her little finger over your feet.
22:41I told you, yes. Why?
22:43And you're quite sure, are you, that it's her little finger she's using?
22:49Yes, of course. What do you mean?
22:51Oh!
22:52Just something I read in here.
22:55In this article on the growing problem of suburban prostitution.
23:02I wonder if this strikes a chord at all.
23:07An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32,
23:13who entertains a wide variety of clients
23:16behind the lace curtains of her bungalow in Banbury Crescent.
23:22I get all kinds coming round, young and old.
23:27They all look normal, but you'd be surprised at the things they ask you to do.
23:31One bloke likes me walking across his back in high-heeled shoes.
23:36Another, elderly gent, pays me just to stroke the soles of his feet with my breasts.
23:44I suppose it takes all sorts.
23:53Just... just remind me, will you, how this all started?
24:00In the first place?
24:03Hmm?
24:05Well, it was, er...
24:07Big Jeff in the chip shop.
24:09He said he went to this woman who had a magic tush with feet
24:12and he got rid of all his stress and tension and...
24:15Did I want her telephone number?
24:17So, you went round and asked if she would do the same for you as she did for him.
24:24Well, yes, I mean, I just...
24:27I didn't know what to say.
24:29Come away, all relaxed and tickety.
24:33Five times, you...
24:37But, I mean, where did I get the idea that she was a reflexologist?
24:41Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor?
24:44You tell me!
24:45Because I just...
24:47I mean...
24:48Nobody would believe it, would they?
24:50That someone could lie there with a nipple between their tongues...
24:54How do you realise?
24:56That you talk about things making sense?
25:01Well, I...
25:03I mean, I don't understand.
25:05I mean, she just...
25:06Oh!
25:07Oh!
25:08My punctures are giving me jip again.
25:12I suppose I'd better go and put some ointment on them.
25:16No...
25:17Margaret, I'm sorry...
25:18Ah!
25:19Well...
25:20That's a happy ending, isn't it?
25:36After all...
25:37I wonder where it got to all that while.
25:42I suppose it'll just have to remain a mystery like a lot of the...
25:46Oh, excuse me.
25:49Not getting any better, then.
25:51Sorry?
25:52Your hay fever.
25:54Oh, no.
25:55I'm fine with pollen.
25:57That's not the problem at all.
25:59It's the feathers that set me off.
26:02Feathers?
26:04Yes, I've always been cursed for that, since I was a girl.
26:08Then why on earth have you got a bird as a pet if you're allergic to feathers?
26:13I've only thought about it like that.
26:16The pleasure it gives me and the companionship are the important things.
26:25Well, I mean, you put up with all the misery, don't you, if it's something you love?
26:32You ready for a cup of tea?
26:41Oh, yes, Jean.
26:42I could just do with that.
26:44I don't know what to do with that.
26:51I'll be down in just a second.
27:21Tonight, as the furore mounts over a local newspaper's unwarranted intrusion into the privacy
27:37of its MP, we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine.
27:42The question, you can dish it out to others, but can you take it yourself?
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52They say I might as well face the truth
27:59But I am just too wrong in the two
28:02I've started to deteriorate
28:06And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:09Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:12I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:16And my old knees have started to knock
28:19I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:23So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
28:28It's true that my body has seen better days
28:31But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:35One foot in the grave
28:37One foot in the grave
28:41I'm one foot in the grave
28:44I'm one foot in the grave
28:44I'm one foot in the grave
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