- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh, misery me.
00:30Beggar's belief, doesn't it?
00:50It's into one decent candle and the whole house.
00:54Don't know how long this lot are going to last.
00:58Don't know where to put them for the best.
01:03I know where I'd like to put them.
01:07Just be patient.
01:09I expect it'll come back on any minute.
01:13And stop sighing like that.
01:15You're sucking up all the oxygen.
01:20Typical, isn't it?
01:25The hottest day of the bloody year.
01:30But what a good job we bought these three giant chill master electric fans last week.
01:35They're just a ticket for a night like this.
01:43Have a good mind to go to bed.
01:46Oh, why don't you?
01:48I wouldn't sleep this early.
01:50Never get off till about three in the morning as it is.
01:53Just lying there all tense and jittery.
01:56Don't I know it.
01:58The way you were twitching about in your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure.
02:03squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come.
02:08God knows what you were dreaming about.
02:11I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed.
02:18Be claw marks on that headboard now forever more.
02:21Some people grind their teeth in their sleep.
02:24You grind your buttocks.
02:26Yes, all right.
02:28Could have sharpened a pencil up there last night.
02:31I said all right.
02:34We want to be reminded about it.
02:36Thank you very much.
02:38And don't open that window.
02:42We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes.
02:44The same every summer.
02:46That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard.
02:54No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank.
02:57I mean, what am I supposed to do?
03:01It's like a bakehouse in here.
03:06Look at these croissants.
03:08Three days and wilting already.
03:11Never mind plant food.
03:13I should give you a sachet of Viagra.
03:17Bloody things.
03:23I've got that sharp pain all down my front again.
03:27You can't tell me that's wind.
03:29All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath,
03:31I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone.
03:35Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes.
03:39No wonder you didn't finish your tea.
03:41Yes, well I needed a bath after bunkering about all morning with that new lawn mower.
03:49Three words.
03:51Destined to strike fear into any man.
03:54Easy home assembly.
03:56Just putting the grass box together took four hours.
04:02Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out.
04:06I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight.
04:10It doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays,
04:14I still expect you to put it together.
04:16Yes, here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Mildrew.
04:20You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at gate 13.
04:26Complete with a full set of instructions.
04:34Same with that lamp shed a bit up the other day.
04:38Chains and that were all lopsided.
04:40So you've told me about a hundred times.
04:44I wonder if it's Crohn's Syndrome.
05:04Will you stop prodding at it?
05:08You've been to the doctor's.
05:10He's given you a thorough check-up all over.
05:13Yes, that was another thing.
05:15I got to undress and suddenly he starts staring at my feet.
05:19And whistling as though he's never seen anything like it.
05:23Said, do you mind if I take a photo of these for the Lancet?
05:27I mean, what was that all about?
05:29Well, why didn't you ask him?
05:31Well, I didn't like to in case it was something hideous.
05:33Something else I've got to worry about.
05:39The boat's burning up, I can tell you that much.
05:46Oh!
05:48I wish I'd bought that footspa now we saw in Debenhams.
05:53Could have that lovely water whirling all over them
05:56and freshening them up.
06:04I don't know.
06:31any minute now the cap
06:35and if i ever find the bastards who did this they'll know about it i can tell you that much
06:42coming to it when you can't put your cap down in a pump table to go to the toilet
06:47without someone stuffing a cigarette out in it
06:50if that's what happened
06:52well i don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite
06:56some yob's idea of a hilarious prank
07:01why don't you go upstairs and do your tai chi it might help you relax
07:07it doesn't help me relax it makes me feel like a complete idiot
07:11well mr and mrs elsbury swear by it
07:14thought when they came over to give you some lessons the three of you were getting on quite well together
07:18we looked like wilson keppel and betty
07:20i got up at six this morning to go and do it in the park
07:26where no one could see me
07:27and what happened i did that thing where you have to squat right down
07:32i couldn't get back up again
07:33had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee
07:37i won't be trying that again
07:42they say that hot air rises don't they
07:51i wonder if it's any cooler down here
07:58good book
08:15extremely and i've just got to the interesting bit so if you don't mind
08:22got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night
08:34great aunt joyce and uncle dick
08:38i wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one
08:43i expect so yes
08:45knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said
08:50where shall i put this platoon
08:52he told him to make himself feel at home so he took his false arm off
09:00and said ah that's better
09:04didn't know where to look
09:07he was using us as a back scratcher at one point
09:13oh do you remember
09:21yes
09:22i mean that's all you want to hear halfway through a meal isn't it
09:25don't make her laugh too much her glass eyes a bit loose
09:28right in a plate of salad
09:36and the eyesight's not that good in the other one
09:40shouting it's all right i've got it
09:43thought we'd never prize that cherry tomato out of the socket
09:49it's bad enough for the lawnmower without having to put the dinner guests back together
10:00if it's no better than this tomorrow
10:11i may have to emigrate
10:14oh what did the forecast say
10:17perhaps it'll be a bit cooler
10:18yes and perhaps it'll be hotter still
10:21you know i never watch the weather forecasts
10:25if it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon
10:28how can you enjoy the morning
10:30best not to know about it
10:34it's the same with life in general
10:37there are certain things you don't ever want to think about
10:42what sort of things
10:43well i don't want to think about them do i
10:46it's the only way you can go on isn't it
10:52from one moment to the next
10:54i mean if you knew now
10:58all the horrible things that were going to happen here
11:01ow
11:02what a love of buggery
11:12what did i say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly
11:17do you know what a terrible weight this thing is
11:20is it still in one piece
11:25i daren't look
11:30i suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft
11:37yes it's lucky i hadn't had a sachet of viagra could have been smashed to smithereens
11:45don't be coarse
11:48i mean three and a half days it had to do that
11:52but no it had to come down just at that moment
11:56and my chest all horrible and sticky
12:13she's as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now
12:16i'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on
12:20enough to glue up a yak
12:25here lacquer thanks very much for pointing that out to me
12:31you should look at things more carefully in the first place
12:33you're hot i'm hot
12:35there's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on
12:39and when will that be
12:42i expect it'll come back on any minute
12:45now do you mind
12:48is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole
13:15it's a very good one if i remember
13:20rightly
13:27what
13:28why do i bother
13:30i have no idea sometimes
13:34but all that happens at the beginning surely
13:37or do you only find out about it at the end
13:42ah yes
13:48sorry about that
13:51do you mind if i borrow the torch now
14:00if you've finished with it
14:03thanks
14:05oh there's a man here who never throws his urine away
14:16belongs to a religious sect that regarded as a sacred bodily fluid containing part of the human soul
14:25kept everything he's ever passed since october 1973
14:30all bottled up in a huge wine cellar
14:35and now apparently leicestershire county council are getting a court order to have it removed
14:40said mr hibbert
14:4348
14:44it's not the first time people have tried to take the piss
14:46oh you just love finding things like that in the paper don't you
14:51i'm only reading what it says
14:57right up your street that sort of thing just tickles you to death
15:02read in here the other day was who may want to go to the toilet over the internet
15:11i mean how the hell's that supposed to work
15:16i don't know why i buy the bloody thing sometimes
15:20oh god what did i tell you
15:31now where's the insect repellent
15:33i think i left it in the car
15:36don't you not opening that front door
15:40well what's the difference they're in here now anyway
15:47what's the difference they're in here now anyway
15:51oh my god
15:53my bloody approaches
15:55this hasn't been brought here but your fairs or recreation bank's got
15:58sorry that while i'm talking to you
16:02oh yes
16:05get out of there
16:09oh
16:12down here
16:16well if that doesn't take the biscuit i don't know what does
16:28did you see that
16:29young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend only having sex in the backseat of our car
16:34where i'd forgotten to close the sun roof
16:37bold as brass just narrowly getting on with it without a thought for my suspension
16:45they didn't even stop when i opened the door
16:48stark naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on
16:56said i was luring the whole tone of the area
16:58that's that poor butcher's son kevin
17:01you see they don't care anymore youngsters like that
17:04butcher his pork next time i see him
17:06clothes all over the front seat and i didn't tell you what i found in the gear stick
17:11oh
17:14god
17:17completely worn myself out now with all that
17:22oh
17:23oh i'm sorry margaret
17:26i've had it with the human race
17:29i'm going to become a registered hermit
17:33who was it said
17:36hell is other people
17:39mrs smedley at number 14
17:41was it
17:43just after she got back from benedorm
17:45and she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there
17:49i don't know how she copes
17:51don't know when i last saw him
17:54didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now
17:59however much must he weigh
18:01don't know
18:02i think he's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take
18:06poor old soul
18:07i know the neighbours have been complaining when she hangs his underpants out to dry they lose an hour's daylight
18:17i'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concern don't you worry
18:22bloody yobbery
18:24morning noon and night
18:27at last
18:29the relief
18:37i do not believe it
18:45false alarm
18:46i might have known
18:47just as that was coming up in the box
18:48did you see that?
18:49see what?
18:50on the screen just there a man pointing at a photograph of my feet
18:54oh for goodness
18:55wait
18:56and there's so few skews as large as life
18:58i just cut it before it went off again
19:00that was a detail from the crucifixion
19:03i think i know my own feet when i see them
19:07it's a programme about renaissance art
19:10i recognised a mole above my big toe
19:13that was a nail
19:15well i know what i saw
19:18oh you stop fretting about them
19:25there's absolutely nothing the matter with them
19:28oh
19:29so we still can't watch any television
19:39what's on anyway?
19:41what's on anyway?
19:44dinosaur hospital
19:45pick of the day
19:48this week through the magic of state of the art technology
19:51the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate
19:54to resume a normal life
19:58presume the presenters are computer generated as well are they?
20:03i mean rolf harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge
20:07it's more than flesh and blood can stand
20:14oh i expect it'll come back on in a minute
20:20well
20:22there's nothing else for it
20:24but to listen to dale winton reciting kubla khan
20:39do we have to?
20:41i need something to bring a smile to my face
20:44in xanadud in kubla khan
20:48a stately pleasure dome decreed
20:50where elf the sacred river ran
20:52through cabins measureless to man
20:54down to a sunless sea
20:56so twice five miles of fertile ground
21:02oh turn it off
21:05there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere
21:11there aren't i've already checked
21:14well we can't have run out of
21:16ah
21:17now then
21:19oh how do we forget about this
21:21scented candle that ronnie and mildred brought back from marrakesh
21:26are we really that desperate?
21:29i'm afraid we are
21:31an enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach
21:36it can't be that bad
21:37talk about the devils
21:46don't bring it over here
21:49important this is not a circular
22:04what is it?
22:07a circular
22:09apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cotleswood crematorium
22:15collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus
22:19plus a free clock radio
22:21if you nominate a friend to be cremated before august 31st
22:25nominate anything you're gonna be all this bloody junk
22:32i meant to get some batteries when i was out this morning
22:34but with all that kerfuffle on the way home it just went right out of my mind
22:38what kerfuffle's that?
22:40oh yes i didn't tell you did i?
22:43there was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green
22:47some maniac apparently holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint
22:53the police had got the whole area sealed off
22:55traffic was being diverted
22:57it was just like something out of a film
22:59apparently they weren't allowing anyone near the park
23:02they'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes
23:04god knows what else
23:05what time was this?
23:09well it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime i think they said
23:12but i was up the park first thing this morning
23:15took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green
23:20i didn't see any concealed marksmen
23:22well you wouldn't would you? they were concealed
23:24obviously they were taking no chances
23:27reckoned this man was a complete nutcase
23:29said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious
23:32he was just going to open fire on them
23:35and ask questions later
23:37remotely suspicious?
23:39you mean i was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass
23:42in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody tai chi exercises
23:46jamming my hands in the air like a simpleton
23:49i could have ended up with a bullet through my
23:52no
24:02no
24:04no
24:05it'll be what you said
24:07someone with a cigarette in the pub
24:09i mean this is probably a completely different part of the park
24:12or something
24:14i've come over all faint now
24:16i've got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound
24:26ah!
24:28bloody thing! i thought i'd killed it!
24:31where's the spray?
24:33probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now
24:36oh!
24:38who the hell's that at this time of night?
24:40good night
24:46Mrs Smedley!
24:48what are we saying Mrs Smedley's in hospital?
24:50you know of course we wouldn't mind
24:53we'd be alright if I had to put him over and that
24:55we'd be only too pleased to
24:57so if you want to bring him over that'll be fine
25:00what won't we mind? what are we only too pleased to do now?
25:04Mrs Smedley, she's got to take her mother-in-law up the hospital
25:07they think she's had a stroke
25:10and of course they can't leave the old man on his own over there
25:13in the dark and everything
25:15so she said would we mind keeping an eye on him in here
25:18just to make sure that he's alright
25:21you know, till they come back
25:23oh you're joking!
25:25old Mr Smedley the Hinderberg disaster on legs!
25:29i mean how have we got room for him in here?
25:32you've caught a lunar eclipse just passing the window
25:35what's the answer they're supposed to say?
25:38coming!
25:40hello Mr Smedley
25:42oh my goodness that's a handy gadget to have
25:45in a park cart is it?
25:47yes it used to belong to my brother
25:50he worked in the Kent minefields for 25 years
25:54really?
25:56prior to his untimely death from respiratory failure
25:59oh dear
26:00well, can we things work through?
26:05can you manage that?
26:07well, I can quit in business
26:09you remember Victor?
26:12yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley
26:16why don't you come and sit yourself down?
26:19yes, I will if you
26:21if you don't mind
26:22if you don't mind
26:24and kill
26:25I'm very sorry about all this
26:38I'm sorry to be such a nuisance
26:41oh, don't be silly
26:43would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves?
26:46oh no, it's alright
26:48I've got my hot water bottle
26:53it's always a great comfort, I find
26:56hot water
26:58sorry to be such a nuisance
27:02they think my wife's had a stroke
27:05yes, we...
27:07hope she'll be alright up there
27:09they're terribly overstretched
27:12lady next door had to wait two hours the other week
27:15just to get to the operating theatre
27:17they said they were very short of trolleys
27:20and did she mind sharing with a corpse?
27:23it is a nightmare these days
27:25I hope she'll be alright up there
27:27they said she'd probably be out in a few days
27:30well, I expect she will
27:35well, perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book
27:41would you mind?
27:42no, of course not
27:43you go ahead
27:44thank you
27:48chapter 8
27:51late that evening
27:53I was surprised at my dodging
27:55by a visit from Mr Brough
27:57there was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner
28:01it had lost its usual confidence and spirit
28:05he shook hands with me
28:07for the first time in his life
28:09in silence
28:10are you going back to...
28:11sorry, excuse me
28:12I asked
28:13by way of saying sir
28:14pardon?
28:15sorry
28:17you actually have to read it out aloud
28:20or...
28:21it's the only way I can get you to go in
28:24unfortunately
28:25and stay there
28:27you'll find that
28:29when you get old
28:31yes, I...
28:33you see
28:34I knew I was going to be a nuisance
28:36no, no, no, Mr Smedley
28:38if it helps to take your mind off things
28:41anyway
28:43I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid
28:45oh, fine, well you know where it is in everything
28:47you think?
28:48no
28:49I mean I'm going to the toilet now
28:53as I speak
28:58the control goes, you know, after a while
29:03aggravated by too much stress and excitement
29:07well, erm...
29:09let's get you sorted out
29:11yes, it's up so easy, Mr Smedley
29:14to get...
29:15there
29:18there we are
29:20I don't think there's any damage done, sir
29:23you'd better go first, I think
29:26you see, I said I was being a nuisance
29:29and I have been
29:31she'll be alright though, won't she up there
29:34I mean, they said she'd only be in for a few days
29:38I'll go in here
29:42I'll go in here
29:44yes, yes, yes
29:46I'm bashing it in
29:48probably, yes
29:50no, I shouldn't touch that
29:52there, are you?
29:53her
30:06whenever he's coming
30:08up?
30:10oh
30:11Oh, my God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night,
30:21potty training Mr. Creosote.
30:26That's all we needed.
30:28No, no.
30:29It looks as if he's going to nod off in there, actually.
30:33I think we might just let him sleep.
30:36Oh.
30:36What?
30:37I just feel a bit sick.
30:40What?
30:41How sick.
30:42And breathlessness.
30:43What else have you got?
30:44Chest pains?
30:45Radiating outward stores of shoulders?
30:48I'll be okay in a minute.
30:49I expect he's that bloody candle turned my stomach over.
30:54Oh, poor old codger.
30:58I suppose...
31:00What?
31:01Well, just, you know, what he said about his wife.
31:08Do you remember when my dad went into hospital?
31:10They said that would just be for a few days.
31:16And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more.
31:21And that's how it went on.
31:22And we always knew it would be all right.
31:26A couple more days, you need to be back home with us all again.
31:33I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months.
31:36It's like you said.
31:43If it's sunny in the morning, you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.
31:47Three hours it's been off for now.
31:57This is ridiculous.
32:00Yes.
32:00Well, I expect her to come on again any minute.
32:05They say I might as well face the truth
32:17But I am just too long in the tooth
32:21I started to deteriorate
32:24And now I've passed my own sell-by date
32:28Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
32:31I have to plop my teeth into tube
32:35And my old knees have started to knock
32:38I've just got too many miles on the clock
32:42So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
32:45Set in my ways
32:46It's true that my body has seen better days
32:50But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
32:53One foot in the grave
32:56One foot in the grave
32:59One foot in the grave
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