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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:08So I'm an OAP and weak mean, but I have not yet quite gone to sea.
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Clapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30.
00:48.
00:54.
00:54.
00:54.
00:55.
00:55.
00:55.
00:56.
00:56.
00:58Oh, my God.
01:28Oh, my God.
01:58Oh, my God.
02:28Sorry, is that your Peugeot estate right there?
02:31Only I think your front pocklub seemed to be on for some reason.
02:58Frankly, Mr. Skimpot, what sight of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant.
03:12The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door, which you installed for me last week, has just jammed again for the seventh time.
03:20And as BMW rather short-sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.
03:29Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's chafing my hide this morning, Mr. Gorringe.
03:34It concerns a majestic 2000 millennium globe that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres.
03:44If by one of our top service engineers you're referring to the young child with a hair full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder, presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, I was not impressed, Mr. Skimpot.
03:59Unfortunately not, Mr. Gorringe.
04:01And while a world with two Europe's and no Australia may have obvious cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift.
04:10I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr. Skimpot, whether it was Rick or Dave.
04:14Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, I'm afraid his name tab seemed to have fallen off.
04:21Oh, has he indeed?
04:23Well, how very fine and dandy for him.
04:25Well, it depends what you mean by very noticeable, Mr. Gorringe.
04:28I mean, have my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, and certainly all that troubles would be over?
04:35Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr. Skimpot, and then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job.
04:41Yes, and I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours, or heads and hemispheres will roll.
04:48You hear that little twerp I had a Barney with outside yesterday?
04:52He's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the midweek lottery.
04:55Unbelievable.
04:56Unbelievable.
04:57Right, then.
04:58Perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits.
05:01Get that bottle of whiskey you wanted to take back with you, Nigel.
05:04It's not till half past six your train tonight, is it?
05:08So, I'll see you about five, then.
05:11Bye.
05:15Bloody stereo.
05:16Drives you up the wall.
05:18Tell me about it.
05:19It was bad enough in mono.
05:20Morning, Mr. Mildrew.
05:45I'd get it in boots if I were you.
05:46What?
05:46The anusol.
05:48They'll charge the earth in places like this.
05:50Oh, I was just, um...
05:51No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually.
05:52Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this.
05:55It's the second prize in the eczema sufferer's tombola.
05:58I've got you and bought a ticket.
06:01Donated by Mrs. Cribbins from the dry cleaners.
06:04I gather it's quite a family heirloom.
06:06Yes, it's, um...
06:07It's her late husband's false beard.
06:09You know, you've always had that chronic facial dermatitis.
06:12Now, she's had it all steam-cleaned and everything,
06:15but be very sparing with the gum arabic.
06:17Yeah, right.
06:19I'll bear that in mind.
06:21All set for the big day tomorrow?
06:23Oh, yes, yes, yes.
06:25They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life,
06:28don't they, moving house?
06:29But, um...
06:31Oh, I don't know.
06:31There are far too many memories for me.
06:33Well, if I, uh, don't see you before you go, um...
06:37Keep in touch and, uh...
06:40Well, I hope it all works out for you.
06:43Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Meldrew.
06:45That's very kind and, um...
06:48Oh.
06:52Lots of love to Mrs. Meldrew and, um...
06:56Bye-bye to you.
06:57Bye, Mr. Sweeney.
06:59We're released seven months early.
07:03This is Skip Koberman for CNS News.
07:30On the southern slopes of the Argybe-Bullock Pass.
07:34What's this supposed to be like?
07:36Any good?
07:37Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off.
07:48Oh.
07:50You don't get anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose.
07:52Do you remain exactly, uh, a bit stronger?
08:05Tiffa, it's lovely to see you.
08:08Come and sit down.
08:09I think this is still warm.
08:12I'm sorry about this,
08:13but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning.
08:17We'll go completely doolally.
08:18Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about?
08:21He's been over from Norfolk?
08:22Yes.
08:23Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff
08:26before we see him off at the station.
08:28Plus, a little treat for myself,
08:31which I think I deserve after three weeks of that.
08:35I can't remember if you've told me.
08:37Is he divorced?
08:37Uh, no.
08:39He's never married, Nigel.
08:41He's, um...
08:42Got more sense.
08:42Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby,
08:46which is not quite the same one.
08:49Apart from that side of things,
08:51he's so much like Patrick, it's frightening.
08:53It's like every phone call's an episode of Kavanagh QC.
08:57I mean, what is it with men?
09:00They're another species.
09:02It's like this one.
09:03Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe?
09:05With all the gubbins.
09:07Think he has the first idea how to cast a line.
09:10He took a woodpecker out of a tree the other night.
09:15And he ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts.
09:20What a nightmare!
09:22Ooh!
09:23I should be picking up a prescription.
09:25Oh, right, well, I'll pack along with you,
09:26as far as the bus stop.
09:35Oh, for God's sake!
09:40Oh, you know, that surgery gets worse.
10:00Talk about headless chickens!
10:02Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor?
10:11Sorry?
10:11Into the bloody fridge where it came from.
10:16Must be at least three days past its cell by.
10:20Why do you keep going in that place is beyond me?
10:22Do you know, I think he's chiseled me out of that popcorn.
10:31Out of what?
10:32Don't you, Douglas?
10:33He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn out the back,
10:36if I fancied it, to go with the video.
10:37Then he didn't put it in, if you please.
10:39Let's see that.
10:43Well, with that other bastard first thing,
10:45I've just about had a day of it.
10:46Still, it'll all be good material for when I give my talk.
10:52Your talk?
10:55Why a bunch of old deers would want to sit
10:57and listen to you moan and groan
10:59about everything under the sun.
11:01I can't imagine.
11:03I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head.
11:06P.S.
11:07Gladys sends her love and says,
11:10when are you going to come and give a little lecture
11:12to a women's institute?
11:14We are sure the gospel, according to Victor Meldrow,
11:16would be the highlight of their year.
11:20Exclamation mark.
11:22I'm thinking of basing it around a theme of
11:24evolution gone wrong.
11:27Neanderthal man did not, in fact, die out.
11:30He went to work for Sky Digital.
11:33Bloody performance we had with them.
11:35Oh, you'll now guess what I saw this morning on the news.
11:40An American reporter who looked just like Mr. Sweeney.
11:44It was incredible.
11:46I think the tape is still in there,
11:47because I was watching it before Pippa came round.
11:51Says she's just about had a bellerful of it lately.
11:53What with Patrick's brother coming over to stay.
11:56Really?
11:57I didn't know he had one.
12:00Yes.
12:01Gay, apparently.
12:02But just like Patrick in every respect.
12:05I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other.
12:11But...
12:11No.
12:14What's this she's left behind?
12:17Do you mean they're completely identical?
12:20Sorry?
12:21Oh, well, yes.
12:22Facially the spitting image.
12:23I wonder why he never said anything.
12:27Who?
12:29Patrick.
12:31What about?
12:32Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other.
12:36I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay,
12:37it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups.
12:41Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on?
12:44Yeah.
12:44Can do.
12:46What's this?
12:47Oh, I don't know.
12:49Some video that Pippa left behind?
12:54Dwayne Spartacus and mighty Joe Schlong.
12:59Devouted police spy.
13:00Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing left.
13:05While you do the washing up.
13:12Now, can you imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it?
13:16After he's just won a fortune on the lottery.
13:18I should think he's jacked the job and he's halfway to Barbadoc's pie.
13:22Oh, I have a few firm words on the phone this morning.
13:29Taught him the error of his ways.
13:47The little bastard.
13:49I'll kill him.
13:52I'll kill him.
14:00He's good.
14:03Yes.
14:07I'll kill this racket down.
14:08What is this?
14:23It's not Dixon of Doc Green.
14:38Can you imagine going out and buying your brother-in-law, something like that?
14:49Hard stuff, she said.
14:51My God.
14:54I mean, is that what some men actually...
14:59Where do you think she got it?
15:01I don't know.
15:03All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning.
15:05I'll take it back to them.
15:09Where did I put those smelling salts?
15:25Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabinet.
15:28I've been looking forward to that all afternoon.
15:31Oh, sorry, I thought I was going begging.
15:34After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves.
15:40What?
15:42I don't know, I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up for me, um, for some reason.
15:52Oh, just look at that.
15:54You've done everything but suck the bloody cork.
15:58Where is the cork, anyway?
16:00There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick.
16:04It's gone quite a long way in.
16:06Don't just stand there twittering.
16:07Get it out.
16:08Oh, right.
16:09What am I now?
16:10A qualified proctologist?
16:11Well, I don't know.
16:12How do you normally get a cork out?
16:16I suppose.
16:18Not that one, you witless woman.
16:22The one in the drawer that we take on holiday.
16:26How's that going to work?
16:28get a cork out. I suppose. Look at that one you witless woman. The one in the drawer
16:43that we take on holiday. How's that going to work?
16:58I feel very uncomfortable doing this. Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever
17:05more relaxed and comfortable. Can you just get on with it, please?
17:15No! Sorry about that. Oh, perhaps I'd better call the hospital.
17:28Morning, Mr Meldrew. Light and early. I thought... You never said you were only moving two doors
17:53along. So, I always wanted an end house and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without
17:58really leaving the area. So, as soon as I heard the McVittys were emigrating, I leapt straight
18:03in with an offer. Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21, but isn't that
18:08funny? You didn't know about it. Funny? Morning, Mrs Swaley. You set me in all
18:13right? Oh, yes. Where's that news report I was telling you about? You see what you make
18:17of that when you have a moment. I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing. Oh, that was
18:22another thing, Mr Meldrew. I've got a couple coming round to view at three. A state agent
18:26says they sound quite serious. Mr and Mrs Gleeson. Oh, right. Fingers crossed there, then.
18:32Yes, he said the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently. Very violent. And, uh,
18:37by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place. Apparently, he was in the area yesterday
18:41morning having lunch at some pub when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his car. He said he, uh,
18:47tried to drive after him, but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here. And
18:51that's when he noticed my signpost. Really? Yes. Yes. He says if he ever sees this chap
18:56again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him. I don't need such language. But, uh,
19:02anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other. I'm sure he's not
19:05as bad as he sounds. See you later, then, Mr Meldrew. There's no need to go to all that
19:09travel, Mrs.
19:18Shutting it down out there. Why don't you just leave it till later?
19:23If I leave it till later, the place will be packed. With all the usual walking wounded,
19:27people with tennis rackets through their heads. I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas.
19:32So, uh, how do you think they're going to get it out?
19:40Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back.
19:45They had a tried and tested procedure and this sort of thing. Why is it we don't have any
19:50umbrellas any longer? Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants.
19:54Oh, hang on. I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen.
19:58A lavender one? Yes. If you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand,
20:02you're very much mistaken.
20:04I think I can...
20:08Excuse me, we've never met before
20:38I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's, and I think she might have, um, well, anyway, um, this is yours, I think, so, uh...
20:49A ragtag army of farmers and simple goat herds waits for another dawn to break.
21:09But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack, and already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
21:21This is Skip Hoverman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argy-Bullock Pass.
21:27Yes, well, if you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, who should be home.
21:43Oh, talk of the devil.
21:46Well, that, uh, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it?
21:50I said I'd give you a hand to take that stuff up the tip before it closes.
21:55Oh, yes, that would be handy.
21:57Hello? Margaret?
22:00Sorry about the time.
22:02I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy...
22:06Yes!
22:06When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, who may soon be moving in next door.
22:17Mr Sweeney and I are just popping out for half an hour.
22:20Well, nice to have met you both. Bye!
22:23Now, I'm not saying he will get out, but if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened.
22:36OK, that's the worst thing you can do to a pit bull, that is.
22:46Right, so he's not dangerous then, exactly.
22:50Dangerous? He killed a bleating swan the other day.
22:53He brought you back to the house, didn't he?
22:55As I say, you've got to use a bit of psychology.
23:02Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town...
23:07Right.
23:12So, well, hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future.
23:16Thanks for the beers.
23:17Not at all. Thank you. Bye!
23:23OK, so you like the taste of worms.
23:37Well, thanks very much then, Mrs Marjorie. I appreciate you spending the time.
23:49Yes.
23:51I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years.
23:55You're not really being aware of it.
23:58Could do with a good clear-out ourselves one of these days, if it comes to that.
24:04Are you all right, Mr Sweeney?
24:06I thought you'd be a whole chipper today, with the new house and everything.
24:09Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course I am.
24:12I suppose.
24:15It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch.
24:19That man.
24:21He wasn't anyone you...
24:23He wasn't a relative or anything.
24:26Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that.
24:32As if, I don't know, someone was taunting me with a glimpse of the man I should have been.
24:42It's hard to imagine Skip Herberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, running tombolus.
24:51Like an overgrown boy scout.
24:59Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Sweeney.
25:01Just earning the respect of others as a decent and gentle human being is enough for anyone to be proud of.
25:13Oh, yeah.
25:14I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldry.
25:20But who's going to wheel me about?
25:31I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it?
25:47To the Women's Institute?
25:51Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning?
25:54I forgot to ask.
25:56Never want to see the likes of that again.
25:58What is it for them, do you think?
26:03About American policemen that's so exciting.
26:06Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble and Topcat.
26:13I suppose it must just be a combination of that kind of thing.
26:18And co-
26:19Policemen and...
26:24Oh, no.
26:28You would...
26:29Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas...
26:45Yes?
26:46He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you've fancied it.
26:53Yes?
26:54And you said...
26:57Go!
26:58God, Victor!
27:00What?
27:01What have I done now?
27:02That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all.
27:07It must have fallen out of yours.
27:08How could it come out of my bag?
27:10Because when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, you came out with a video of cop porn.
27:16That is, if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to...
27:25What are they going to think?
27:27Right, I'll be off in a sec, then.
27:40Are you going to be all right this evening?
27:42I'm not going to come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything.
27:45Trench.
27:53I'm sorry, Mr Mildrew?
27:55Video.
27:56Yes, yes.
27:57I did give the title a quick glance.
27:58Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it?
28:01Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning.
28:04They were appealing for donations for the new children's annex.
28:07They had books, videos, toys, that sort of thing.
28:10And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, so I put it in there.
28:13Sorry, Mr Mildrew, are you all right?
28:17Because it just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism.
28:22Video? What video is this, then?
28:24This one here, containing hardcore gay pornography.
28:28Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place will almost certainly never be known.
28:33But it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished.
28:39Oh? What now?
28:41It's in a bin at the Chartres General.
28:43And that casualty closes at eight.
28:45The cases are passed on to the Bedford.
28:48Well, we can't just leave it there.
28:50No.
28:52We certainly can't.
28:53Why is it whenever you are in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat?
29:05Go on.
29:06What have you found?
29:08Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local, under the heading Angling for Trouble.
29:12It says, police were called to the Accident Emergency Wing of the Charterist General on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof.
29:20The man, believed to be in his 60s, was discovered squatting near a hole in a glass skylight where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys.
29:28As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of videocassettes, each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again.
29:38The man who was later escorted off the premises, screaming incoherently about popcorn, was subsequently identified as a Mr. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
29:48So, I suppose you're on top of the world now.
29:51Look at this.
30:01I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired.
30:07And it came back in all this lot.
30:11I've just been talking to Mr. Sweeney out there.
30:13He's in a good mood.
30:15Apparently, that Skip Holberman's just been blown up by a landmine.
30:18He's taken it as a sign.
30:21You're better off not trying to be a hero.
30:23I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we are descended from apes.
30:28Polystyrene.
30:30Bloody stuff.
30:30What are you supposed to do with it?
30:32You can't fold it, you can't squash it, you can't bend it.
30:35Don't stop.
30:36Oh, stop that.
30:37Look, this little white globule stuck in the carpet like dandruff.
30:42If you must do that, take it outside.
30:44Now then, I know what this will be.
30:47Cousin Ivor.
30:48Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk.
31:02Oh, wonderful.
31:05Well, that's that then.
31:07Why, what did he say?
31:08Dear Victor, thank you for your recent inquiry.
31:11Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute,
31:15we were not being entirely serious.
31:20Can you imagine, Gladys says, trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew?
31:27We wouldn't be able to pay people to come.
31:32Exclamation mark.
31:33Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret, Ivor.
31:37Eh?
31:38Yeah.
31:38Oh, my God.
31:40I've known more.
31:41Why?
31:42Thank you, Edna.
31:42I have no idea.
31:43Thank you, Edna.
31:43I've known her.
31:45I have no idea.
31:46I've known her.
31:47I've known her.
31:48Thank you, Edna.
31:48I've known her.
31:50Thank you, Edna.
31:50Thank you, Edna.
32:03Thank you, Edna.
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