- 2 days ago
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:07So I'm an OAP at weak need But I have not yet quite gone to sea
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:22Lapped out, run down, too old to save One foot in the grave
00:30Unbelievable! I mean, look at that! Wondering about his bedroom without a stitch off!
01:00It was the day he was born! Talk about being an exhibitionist!
01:07I thought he had one of those balloon animals tied to his waist in his last one!
01:14Well, they've made a complete pig's breakfast of that new shower, as I knew they would
01:21It takes you half an hour to get the right temperature, and then you so much as flush the loo, it turns into a blast furnace
01:28Mm-hmm!
01:29And I thought we'd bought those glasses for Ronnie's birthday when you've quite finished steaming up the lenses
01:35I haven't finished wrapping them yet for Thursday, so mind what you're doing!
01:39Yes...
01:40What did I just say?
01:42Eh, you said a week...
01:43Hmm?
01:44Might as well talk to a tin of Spam
01:51What time's your appointment with the dentist this morning?
01:5411.30
01:55Thank God for that!
01:56I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime!
02:01It's like being kissed goodnight by Bugs Bunny!
02:08Was there anything in the post, by the way, about that job?
02:11Just the phone bill!
02:12And a letter from Reader's Digest saying we'll both become millionaires!
02:16Do I suppose I'll get it anyway for one...
02:18Oh, hang on!
02:19He's got one of those little trampoline things out now!
02:21Surely he's gonna put some underpants on us!
02:22Before he starts bouncing, oh!
02:23Look at that!
02:37I don't think I can watch much more of this!
02:40I really don't!
02:42Morning, Mrs. Beldrew!
02:59Not quite so breezy out here now, is it?
03:03Morning, Mr. Sweeney!
03:08Your mother's still into her fly-fishing, then?
03:13Yeah, that'd be another five-minute wonder, I expect.
03:16This part of you wants to try and drum it into her.
03:18We don't live in that big house by the river any more.
03:21It was ten years ago.
03:23Still, it gives her pleasure.
03:25Seems a shame to shatter her illusions.
03:27That's right.
03:29It certainly doesn't make things easy.
03:33Of course, we've got the nurse now.
03:35Pops around three times a week.
03:36She's an absolute godsend, I must say.
03:45Oh, incidentally, there's something I'd be meaning to ask you, Mrs. Beldrew.
03:48We're holding a sponsored city walk for dialysis at the end of the week.
03:52I couldn't get you to sign my form for, say, 5p a mile, if it's not being too cheeky.
03:57Of course, I'd be glad to.
03:59Well, that's very kind of you.
04:00I'll pop it round late...
04:01Oh.
04:02Good morning, Nick.
04:03How are you?
04:04Hello, Tanya.
04:05Very well indeed, thank you.
04:07Good.
04:08That's the ticket, then, isn't it?
04:14Right.
04:16We'll sort the other out, then, later on.
04:20Yes.
04:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, but bye, Mrs. Mildred.
04:25Bye, Mr. Sweeney.
04:45I don't think it's serious.
04:46He was only in there a couple of seconds.
04:47But if you could just give us your professional opinion...
05:04Victor!
05:05I'm not looking at you, I'm not sure.
05:10Victor, Mrs. Tanya, the last who looks after Mrs. Sweeney next door.
05:15Hi, Mr. Meldrew.
05:17How's it feel?
05:18Still feeling like Billy Harvest.
05:21Now, don't flinch.
05:22I'm just going to take a little look at them.
05:24Oh, what is it?
05:27I didn't know you could buy these ready-minted.
05:30What a great idea.
05:32Well, I can't tell you, can.
05:33Really?
05:33And I think Tesco's do their version.
05:37But I've never seen them in Sainsbury's.
05:40Yes, yes, excuse me.
05:42What about my back?
05:44Will I need a skin graft or what?
05:47Nothing like that, Mr. Meldrew.
05:49Your bottom half's a bit red, that's all.
05:52What I'll do is I'll dab a little something on to stop the stinging
05:55and you should be fine.
05:56Oh.
05:58Oh.
06:01Oh.
06:02Ah.
06:03Right.
06:05Well, I'll leave you and the singing detective here to it.
06:15Oh.
06:15Oh.
06:15Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:17Oh.
06:20Oh.
06:224291.
06:24Oh, speaking.
06:26Oh.
06:27Right.
06:29Yes.
06:30No, right, but thank you for letting me know. Bye.
06:35Bad news?
06:37Oh, just a job I went up for last week driving a baker's van.
06:41Had about as much chance of becoming cheap rabbi.
06:45Ah!
06:53Mrs Meldrew, I brought that form for you to fill in for Friday,
06:56if you're still interested.
06:57Oh, yes, of course.
06:59Right, where are we?
07:01How's Mr Meldrew up there? Still suffering?
07:04Not as much as I would have liked, no, but...
07:07Well, let's be reckless and say 20p.
07:11Oh, thank you. Very much indeed.
07:14Fine. That's me off now, then, I think.
07:18Perhaps get a pint sweet somewhere.
07:20Oh, right. Actually, I was thinking of popping out for some lunch myself
07:24in a minute or two.
07:25Really?
07:26Yeah.
07:27Erm...
07:33Fine.
07:34Well, er, hope you find somewhere nice.
07:37Yes, you too.
07:38Yes.
07:39And I'll see you Wednesday, I expect.
07:43Bye, Mrs Meldrew.
07:45Oh, bye, Tanya. Thank you very much.
07:47Bye-bye. Bye.
07:48Bye, Tanya.
07:55Cristo Sweeney!
07:58Sorry.
07:59Are you blind?
08:01She was dying for you to ask her out.
08:04When?
08:05When?
08:06Oh, no, no, I'm afraid I'm not in her league, someone like that.
08:10Don't be utterly ridiculous.
08:12She was just desperate for you to make the first move.
08:15That's all.
08:16Well, I'd love to believe that, Mrs Meldrew, but...
08:20life's never that wonderful, is it?
08:22Anyway, um, thanks for the sponsorship and everything.
08:25I'll let you know how we get on and, er, gotta rush now.
08:28Bye.
08:29Bye.
08:42Well, you were a long while.
08:44How are they looking?
08:45Very good.
08:46Hmm.
08:47Except for the x-ray of this dodgy one down at the bottom,
08:50I've got to go back on Friday now for an extraction.
08:53I think I've got most of the things on the shopping list.
08:57It took me ages to find this bloody Polish sherry
09:01having a contender for chops.
09:08Polish sherry.
09:12OK, um, hang on a second.
09:16Yes.
09:18Can you spell that?
09:23Oh!
09:24Polish could bloody well keep it.
09:30Oh, and he's forgotten to get my Polish sherry.
09:33I wrote it down plainly and I...
09:35Thanks. Bye-bye.
09:40That was an interesting one.
09:42A call from a chap who'd heard I was looking for some work as a driver.
09:45Lewis Atterbury lives in one of those new houses out near Cobbleship
09:49by that big military base.
09:51He said, if I wanted to pop round this afternoon,
09:53he might be able to put some work my way.
09:56So that sounds quite hopeful, doesn't it?
10:00What?
10:01What?
10:03What?
10:07Polish sherry!
10:18What?
10:19As I say, it'll mainly be a case of running me into the office.
10:25One or two meetings out of town occasionally.
10:28Plus, any other errands, of course, which crop up as and when.
10:32What is it feeling, by the way?
10:34It's a good fit, surprisingly.
10:36Yes, it's a great crop.
10:38Thank you, Mr Atterbury.
10:41Oh, hey, Lewis.
10:42I can't abide formalities.
10:44Now, time, I think, to introduce you to my three children.
10:50Oh, right.
10:53Very nice.
10:55Very and nice, Victor, are not words we use to describe these three pieces of machinery.
11:00They are the holy trinity of internal combustion.
11:04As you'll discover when you get behind the wheel.
11:12Sorry about the mess.
11:14The girlfriend and I were to run a wild party in Oxfordshire on Sunday night.
11:18Oh, right.
11:22So I see.
11:23Riding along in my automobile.
11:31My baby beside me at the wheel.
11:35I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile.
11:39My curiosity running wild.
11:42Cruising and playing the radio.
11:45No particular place to go.
11:47No particular place to go.
11:48No particular place to go
12:18No particular place to go
12:48No particular place to go
13:18Bloody rugby players
13:21You're lucky you've still got a job at all the way you carry on
13:26Picking fights with every single person you meet
13:29I do not pick fights with every person I meet
13:32No, that's why that man in the pub snapped off both your front teeth the other week
13:37Like a protective tab on a videocassette
13:40All over a packet of cheese and onion crisps
13:43I'll either have to get a bigger hat out of my head taken in
13:50Oh, 12.13, I'll have to move
13:54I've got to be at the airport at four
13:56Oh, where's he going today?
13:59Nowhere
13:59His parents are going down from Scotland for the weekend
14:02So he wants me to pick them up
14:03You haven't forgotten we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight
14:06I've tried to forget we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight
14:09Like you try to forget you're going to die
14:11But it doesn't work
14:12I wonder what hideous novelties they'll have brought back from their holidays this year
14:17Another souvenir photograph printed in the back of a lavatory seat
14:21I need that pair sometimes
14:24She brought me up earlier in a bit of a state
14:26Because the builders still haven't finished
14:28You know, they're having all that foundation work done on their extension
14:31Oh, I was silly enough to let slip that I wasn't doing anything this afternoon
14:35So she's invited me over beforehand to give her a hand with the food
14:39Good
14:40You can make sure the chicken soup doesn't have feathers in it this time
14:43I'll see you there at seven, right?
14:45Yes, bye
14:46Anyone in?
14:57Hello
14:58I can't stop long
14:59I've got to bury Aunty Sis at half past
15:01But I just wanted to say
15:02That was seven
15:03When did she die?
15:05Oh, Saturday afternoon
15:06Yeah, she was attacked by an albatross in a hot air balloon
15:08A bit nasty, I'm afraid
15:11She fell out the basket and landed on a tennis court in Droitwich
15:14Right in the middle of a tie-break
15:16Oh, my God
15:17Yeah, a player would be suspended for half an hour
15:20While they disentangled her from the net
15:21So, a bit of an undignified exit, really, for the poor old soul
15:25But, no, actually, I wanted to thank you for the other day
15:28You know what you said about Tanya and everything
15:31Only, um, I gave her a ring last night
15:33Asked if she'd like to join us on Friday for the sponsored silly walk
15:35And I couldn't believe it
15:37She said yes, she'd love to
15:38I mean, uh, yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything itself
15:42But, uh, well, anyway, um, just wanted you to know
15:45What did I tell you?
15:46Now, this could be your big chance
15:47Make sure you don't blow it
15:49Yeah
15:49Well, I'll, uh, keep you posted anyway
15:52And, um, thanks
15:53Mmm
16:06This Polish sherry is rather delicious
16:09Mmm
16:12Mildred
16:13Oh, thank you
16:15Mmm
16:19Yes
16:20Where did you get it, Margaret?
16:21We'll have to stock up
16:22I'm not sure
16:25You'd better ask Victor when he gets here
16:27These are just sluts, aren't they?
16:29I'll put them in your bin
16:30Oh!
16:33I'll try and go in there, Margaret
16:34You'll break your neck
16:35He says she'll break her neck, Milford
16:37It's a ten-foot drop
16:40Two months now they've been digging
16:42I think we were better off with the subsides
16:45Can I tell you to put them down in there?
16:49What time are we expecting your hubby, Margaret?
16:53Oh, I said about seven
16:54All being well
16:55He's got to collect some people from the airport
16:57Oh, I hope he doesn't hurry here and have an accident
17:01I don't imagine you're behind you
17:07I love you
17:09So, you come and stay with your son very often then?
17:18Three or four times a year, I suppose, on average
17:20And the traffic on that ring road never seems to get any better
17:24I'm just wondering if we shouldn't just drop these two off
17:27And then go straight to the restaurant
17:29I tend to agree
17:30Do you know a big hotel near here called Abbey Grange?
17:34Oh, yes
17:34Risked losing that table tonight of all rights
17:37What a special occasion, is it, John?
17:39My anniversary, actually
17:40Oh, congratulations
17:42I had hoped he might persuade Lewis to join us for once
17:46I don't think so
17:48No, you're right
17:49Not as if he's already out
17:52Sewing his oaks again, as usual
17:55Shh, shh, shh
17:57They're here
17:57They've got everybody in the conservatory
18:00Come on, come on
18:01Come on
18:02Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick
18:03And for a little rock
18:05Come on
18:06Hurry up
18:07Hide your way through
18:09Everybody in front
18:10Come on
18:10Come on
18:10Come on
18:11You're not here to enjoy us
18:12Quick
18:13I want total silence from everybody
18:19I don't want to hear a word out of any of you
18:39No, you don't
18:50Just you behave yourselves
19:02Hello?
19:14Hello?
19:32Thank you very much for leaving me to man the fort all this time.
19:38I'm sorry. They asked me to take them on to this restaurant
19:42and I've got to go back and collect them at around 12.
19:45So, I don't fancy leaving this out in the open
19:48after what happened to the last one.
19:53Everything all right out there?
19:55He's just going to prop his head out of his car in your garage for a few hours.
19:59That's all right.
20:02No, Peter! No!
20:05It hasn't got a thought!
20:15I do believe it!
20:32I wouldn't worry about it, Victor. Our son is a very tolerant and understanding person.
20:39Just pray he's gone to bed early.
20:46Yes.
20:48And the other hand.
20:49Still, look that on the bright side, the breakdown people managed to haul it out without making hardly a scratch on the front. So...
21:01Just excuse me a moment.
21:16Just excuse me a moment.
21:17Just excuse me a moment.
21:19Just excuse me a moment.
21:28Darling!
21:35Put that down.
21:39Come on.
21:41Look, it's very late.
21:44We're all very tired.
21:46So don't do anything silly, all right?
21:49When you told me this man wanted a job,
21:51you didn't tell me he was a demolition expert.
21:54Why don't you just go up to bed and have a good night's sleep?
21:58We'll talk to the insurance people in the morning.
22:09Uh, thank you.
22:11I didn't realise, actually, it was you that had, um...
22:14Yes.
22:16Not to worry, Mr Meldrew.
22:18I mean, all is not lost.
22:21We've still got the jack left.
22:28Yes, I've just dropped him off at the bank
22:32and now I'm on my way to the dentist.
22:34So it's all working out quite well...
22:37Sorry? What?
22:38No, not at all. He seems fine.
22:42Surprisingly.
22:43I don't know what she said to him last night.
22:46Or did.
22:47There was no sign of any footprints in the windscreen or something.
22:54Right, yes.
22:56Well, good luck with your appointment.
22:59Yes.
23:01And I'll see you later.
23:02Bye.
23:02Afternoon, Mrs Meldrew.
23:20Are you well?
23:21Yes, thank you, Mr Sweeney.
23:23Are you, uh, all ready for the off, then?
23:26Yes, yes, a 3.30 start outside St Luke's, just around the corner.
23:30Tanya said she'd meet me there, so I'd, uh...
23:33How about Tanya?
23:34And I've got everything planned for this evening.
23:36I managed to get two tickets for that new Eddie Murphy film
23:39and, uh, afterwards, I thought she might like to go to this nice little Italian restaurant, which is right next.
23:44Yes, Mr Sweeney.
23:46I'm afraid Victor and I ran in to Tanya.
23:52Last night, actually.
23:53It was at this big party, at someone's house, and she was there with...
24:03Yes, right.
24:05I see.
24:07Thank you, Mrs Meldrew, I understand.
24:10I'm sorry, Mr Sweeney, I didn't...
24:13No, no, no, it's, um...
24:15Well, thanks for your help, anyway.
24:19I feel so awful.
24:21Especially after we...
24:25I mean...
24:26You were right.
24:29Yeah.
24:30Well, I'll see you later.
24:31Life's never that wonderful.
24:50Karen, could you just give me a quick hand with this thing, please?
24:53Okay.
24:53Sorry about that, Mr Meldrew, our equipment's all blowing up this morning.
25:14You can close it now, you're all done with.
25:16Mm.
25:17I should keep the cotton wool plug in there for about half an hour.
25:20Only minor pain once the numbing wears off, just take a couple of aspirin.
25:24Mm-hmm.
25:28Mm.
25:28No, no, no, the car appears to be sitting in one piece.
25:33Not for the moment, but, uh...
25:36Yeah, okay, I will.
25:37Bye.
25:41How's the tooth feeling, by the way?
25:43Oh, my jaw seems to be throbbing quite a lot for some reason.
25:46Yeah, don't take your eyes off the road.
25:47No, sorry.
25:48I was just...
25:50Perhaps if I can get rid of this thing now, I might...
25:53Arrgh!
25:57Oh, my God!
25:58Oh, my God almighty!
25:59What's it doing?
26:00What's it doing?
26:01What was that?
26:03Arrgh!
26:04I was...
26:06Oh, my God!
26:08Oh, my God!
26:09Oh, my God!
26:10What is that?
26:12What is that thing?
26:15Sting to be in the car!
26:16Sting to be in the car!
26:18Stop it!
26:20Stop it!
26:20Stop it!
26:21It never reminds me!
26:22What's the way out of it?
26:24No, no!
26:26Oh, God!
26:28I can't stick with your foot on the plate!
26:52Sorry about that.
27:06I think this time we've been lucky, actually.
27:09I can't see any damage, can you?
27:22Well, I can't see any damage!
27:32I'm not here!
27:36Ah competence!
27:38I really should call it!
27:40They say I might as well face the truth
28:01But I'm just too wrong in the tooth
28:05I started to deteriorate
28:08And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:12Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:15I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:19And my old knees have started to knock
28:22I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:26So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
28:30It's true that my body has seen better days
28:34But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:37One foot in the grave
28:40One foot in the grave
28:43One foot in the grave
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