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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:07So I'm an OAP and weak mean But I'm not yet quite gone to sea
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:22Lapped out, run down, too long to save One foot in the grave
00:29Two special fried rice and two sweet and sour chicken balls
00:38Ten minutes, thank you, sir, bye
00:40How do you sell this?
00:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not yet
01:01Don't read me, look at me
01:05What's it, you're going to die, you're going to die
01:09You're not going to kill me.
01:11You're not going to kill me.
01:13You're not going to kill me.
01:15Let's change this.
01:17Let's change this.
01:19How do you change this?
01:25I'll show you.
01:27How do you change this?
01:39You're not going to kill me.
01:41You're not going to kill me.
01:43You're not going to kill me.
01:45You're not going to kill me.
01:47You're not going to kill me.
01:49I'm sorry.
01:51I'm sorry.
01:57Be careful.
02:05Toast-stirled chicken and soup-balled rice.
02:09That's for you, sir.
02:11Is it?
02:15Bon appétit.
02:17Yes, right.
02:19Thanks very much.
02:39Just so long as it's established, I'm not happy with the arrangement, that's all.
02:43Have you seen this?
02:45They've found a mummified caveman inside a block of ice in Siberia.
02:49Perfectly preserved, he's over 12,000 years old.
02:53He's the spitting image of Mr Meldrew.
02:57I would have forgotten what he did with that tortoise that was entrusted to his hair.
03:01Ran straight out the back and started toasting it on a garden fork.
03:05Poor little bugger.
03:07We might just as well go away for the week and ask the Terminator to come in and water our plants.
03:11Sleep a lot easier.
03:13Did you hear me? Look.
03:15Where?
03:17Next to the advert.
03:19I can see the picture of Mr Meldrew. Where's the mummified caveman?
03:23I told you not to go to that one by the canal.
03:27They've had the pest controller in there three times this year, to my knowledge.
03:32Pest controller? Need the Pied Piper of Tundon.
03:35And I noticed those women are still hanging about in there.
03:40Might as well stick a red light over the front door and be done with it.
03:44What? Prostitutes?
03:46Prostitutes? I didn't know who's priceless to ask for first.
03:52Skirts up to their nostrils. You know damn well they're not waiting for Crispy Duck.
03:58Now, I've got evidence against them on both counts this time.
04:02What evidence?
04:04Exhibits?
04:06I see what the Trading Standards Department has to say about that.
04:11Lucky no-one was wearing them.
04:15What's that supposed to mean?
04:17Oh, by the way, your brother Alfred phoned from the airport.
04:22He says he wants to do a bit of shopping in London tomorrow.
04:25He'll get here about three.
04:28Sounded a bit dopey.
04:30Still jet lag, I expect.
04:32That would be jet lag. He's always dopey.
04:35You see, when you ring him up, his voice sounds as distant as anything and he can't hear a word you're saying.
04:41Well, that's because it's an international line.
04:43That's because he's holding the phone upside down.
04:46I told you, if you ever wonder what it was like to be trapped in a house with Stan Laurel for two weeks, you're about to find out.
04:52You can at least make a bit of effort while he's here.
04:55I would have thought after 25 years he'd be thrilled to bits.
04:58You lose touch with people, Margaret.
05:01We've got nothing in common anymore.
05:03It's just one of those awful family rituals where you're both too embarrassed to act...
05:08No!
05:10Oh, I hope we're not interrupting.
05:12I just thought we'd drop the keys round and talk you through a couple of things for next week.
05:18Oh, right.
05:19Well, come through to the sitting room.
05:21I'll get my notepad.
05:22We're all at sixes and sevens ourselves here because Victor's brother is over from New Zealand to stay with us for half night.
05:29Oh!
05:47You well?
05:48Yes.
05:49Yes, I am.
05:58Okay, so you've got your computer, yeah?
06:00You've got your database software package, your laser printer, your fax, your photocopier and your castries.
06:07Oh, and we mustn't forget your warranty agreement, must we?
06:10Memo.
06:11Get Samantha to organise a three-year extended warranty agreement for Mr Victor Meldrew on his M240 computer package.
06:20Okay, then.
06:21I just need three signatures from you and a small check, I'm afraid.
06:25Right.
06:26How much was it again?
06:28£7,962.45, if you could please.
06:31Of course.
06:32Oh, and we mustn't forget your service contract, must we?
06:35Ah.
06:36Memo.
06:37Get Samantha to organise a service agreement for Mr Victor Meldrew two years from date of purchase.
06:44Lovely wallpaper, I must say.
06:47That's magic, sir.
06:48Thank you very much.
06:49I'll just give you a receipt.
06:51What's this?
06:53Is this some sort of joke or what?
06:54A joke, sorry?
06:55This signature.
06:57It says, you daft dawdling old arsehole.
07:03Er, no, I think that's what you called me last week, wasn't it?
07:06When you nearly carved me up in that dual carriageway.
07:10Last week.
07:12I was driving along a steady 50 when you suddenly shot up my backside in your company Sierra,
07:18flashed your lights and virtually ran my back bumper for three miles.
07:22When you did overtake, that's what you shouted through the passenger window.
07:29Noting your firm's details on the car door, I quit the liberty of inviting you round here today,
07:34just so as I could deliberately waste your time for the best part of an entire morning.
07:43I knew I'd seen your face before.
07:45I thought it was that mummified caveman in the papers.
07:47I have five other appointments this morning.
07:52Oh, well, I'd better get through this.
07:55Memo.
07:57Get Samantha to organise a new brain for me as quickly as possible,
08:02where I can learn to drive and not be a complete bastard to everyone else on the ramps.
08:05Or you could just bugger off out of it if you'd be so kind.
08:15And...
08:17your wallpaper stinks.
08:19What is all about a row?
08:20Are you taking the law into your own hands again?
08:21You'll come a copper one of these days carrying on like a one-man vigilante patrol.
08:36Just going to get the front lawn a wee trim.
08:39Now, are you sure you don't want me to pick up Alfred this afternoon?
08:41No, no, I'm going in anyway.
08:43I think I'll recognise him.
08:45Well, if you have any trouble,
08:47I look for a man wearing a small grey hat,
08:51smoking a pipe,
08:52who's forgotten to put his trousers on.
08:54LAUGHTER
09:24It would be a good idea not to tap your pipe out of your hat, Alfred.
09:43Not while it's still alight.
09:44Sorry?
09:45Oh, you're quite stupid, by the way.
09:47Okay?
09:48Dreadful.
09:48You're nothing but bump and shake about all the way in.
09:51Can you find a place for this, you think?
09:54Yes, you could care.
09:56Only there was nowhere else to be seen.
09:57Yes, you could care.
09:59Yes, you could care.
10:01Yes, you could care.
10:04Yes, you could care.
10:05Sorry, yes, you could care.
10:08You could care.
10:09I was passing your right way to you.
10:11And that was not first-
10:13Oh, I don't believe it.
10:43I've got to give you my sister's phone number in case of emergency.
11:13Everything okay?
11:15Yeah, it's pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, really.
11:18He was mowing the front room carpet.
11:20About normal for him on a Monday, isn't it?
11:23Probably planting begonias in the video recorder by now.
11:26Only as we speak.
11:28I suppose that packet of condoms in a mousetrap was still lying on the cheese pole.
11:33I'm afraid it was.
11:35Well, had to take a good look at the house, darling.
11:38Could be the last time you see us and it's a pretty tall.
12:02Is there any more crap you want to sling up?
12:06Bless you.
12:07The one who's on her bottom page by Edward Scissorhands.
12:11This is a front lawn, not a bloody can recycling plant.
12:15Why don't you train him to empty his potty over the front doorstep while you're at it?
12:18Oh, get back to war on your plans.
12:20Bloody bleached bimbos.
12:22I'll bet Adrian's calling blackmail.
12:25You mucky little pup, ain't ya?
12:53Right there.
12:55Look on the proud side of life.
12:59Doo-doo.
13:00Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo.
13:02I love you, Flaringbal.
13:12No, it's never lost in.
13:17It's never lost in the past.
13:21Oh, my God.
13:51Oh, my God.
13:56Auntie Gertie escaped again the other week.
14:00Yes, you said in your last letter.
14:02Sorry?
14:03You said, sir, in your last letter.
14:05I don't think I did, did I?
14:06Yes, you did, yes.
14:08Sorry?
14:09Yes, you did.
14:11Sure?
14:12Yes, I'm sure.
14:14I don't think I said she'd actually escaped.
14:15I said she tried to escape.
14:17No, you said she'd actually escaped,
14:19but they managed to capture her again
14:20by dropping a large net from a helicopter.
14:23I don't remember telling you that.
14:24But how would I know about it then?
14:26Sorry?
14:27How do I know about it?
14:29Right.
14:31As this is a special occasion,
14:33I thought we might push the boat out for a change
14:35and have a little glass or something.
14:38Oh, yeah.
14:41Not with the barbiturates, I won't.
14:44Thank you, Margaret.
14:45Oh, right.
14:45But you know it gives me click.
14:49Oh, right.
14:51Well, here's to you both, anyway.
14:55Cheers.
14:58Cheers.
15:01So how are you coping now, Victor?
15:03Bit of a big one, isn't it?
15:05Retirement,
15:06suddenly being thrown onto the scrap heap of life.
15:09A prisoner in your own home
15:10with no prospects,
15:11no purpose,
15:12nothing left to live for.
15:14It's not getting you down, I hope.
15:17No, not at all.
15:18Most of the time,
15:19I sit in that chair over there all day long,
15:22just laughing.
15:22Doing cartwheels on the stairs
15:27with sheer delight.
15:29Margaret will tell you.
15:30And I'm not retired.
15:32I'm just between jobs.
15:33Sorry?
15:34Oh, God, I'll go and get a parrot.
15:39The moment I heard the news,
15:40I said to Mary,
15:41and I've got to save up to go back there,
15:44his life was miserable and empty enough to start with.
15:47He'll need me there to cheer him up.
15:50Right.
15:50And now here you are,
15:53larger than life.
15:57You find you have to be more philosophical about things now, Victor,
16:01not be so hot-headed.
16:04Yeah, it's that sounded space,
16:05coming from a man who got the boat with his hat on fire.
16:07You mustn't get suicidal.
16:12Who's suicidal?
16:13Sorry?
16:14Who's suicidal?
16:16I know you're pretending, isn't it?
16:18You've been looking gloomy and fed up
16:19since the minute I've set foot inside your house.
16:23Yes, funny that.
16:26You can only mean I've got here,
16:27just at the right moment.
16:28Excuse me, just a second, would you?
16:37Oh, my God!
16:43What the hell's he up to this time?
17:02Sounds like someone tilling the barbican down.
17:04I can't take much more of this.
17:09It's like having Mad Max round to stay.
17:14Go in the morning and buy some tranquilizer darts at this rate.
17:17Don't tell me he accidentally napalmed his underpants.
17:25I'll do this time.
17:28He said he got up to go to the loo
17:30and saw this weird man coming towards him
17:33wearing a ghostly shroud,
17:35hurled the alarm clock at him in a panic
17:37and then realised it was the mirror on the wardrobe.
17:41I've said I'll sweep it up in the morning
17:43and to watch where he treads.
17:44Two whole weeks we've got of this.
17:50I'm not going to be able to last the course.
17:52I swear it.
17:57Two whole weeks.
18:09Halfway.
18:10I might just make it yet.
18:14There is it.
18:19Voice activated setting.
18:21That's the one.
18:25I'm back.
18:27Where have you been?
18:28I thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error.
18:31Sorry?
18:32Where have you been?
18:36I thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error.
18:40What's that for?
18:41Because I'm tired of having to repeat myself
18:43every time I say something to you.
18:45Sorry?
18:47Because I'm tired of having to repeat myself
18:49every time I say something to you.
18:51If you spoke up a bit in the first place,
18:53I might be able to hear you.
18:55Never did open your mouth properly.
18:57Oh!
18:58Did you get your parcel from the post office?
19:00What parcel's this then?
19:02I was going to bring it over myself,
19:03but you know how things get broken on planes?
19:06So I sent it air mail.
19:07Nothing I can...
19:10You might be interested in.
19:14You know I've been doing quite a bit of research
19:16into our ancestry down there.
19:18Our great-great-grandfather was a New Zealander, of course.
19:21Well, last year, I got a letter
19:22from a Mrs. Glenister in Christchurch.
19:24She was a very distant cousin, apparently.
19:27Said she had come into possession
19:28of some of great-great-grandpy Meldrew's
19:30personal effects,
19:31and would I be interested?
19:33Now, bear in mind,
19:36this item is over 150 years old,
19:39and it's very delicate,
19:42and I think you'll find it rather fascinating.
19:45Oh!
19:46What is it?
19:48It's his scarf.
19:52I have to say,
19:53when I first laid eyes on it,
19:54I couldn't believe the family resemblance.
20:01Uncanny, isn't it?
20:03The line of the forry, particularly.
20:06They could be twins.
20:08Oh, yes.
20:09There is a certain likeness,
20:10now you've pointed out,
20:11especially down this side.
20:14For goodness sake,
20:15last week I was a mummified cape,
20:17and I'm a bloody walking skeleton.
20:19I brought some of those photos over as well.
20:22I thought we might have a look through after tea.
20:24Not sure which case I put them in now.
20:26This is a charming little keepsake, isn't it?
20:31The man's a walking disaster area.
20:33And you wondered why I didn't want him to come and stay with us.
20:36If you'd think the day he flew out,
20:37New Zealand must have declared a national holiday.
20:41Never take it on his brothers,
20:42even when we were young.
20:44Just think he'd have got a message by now.
20:47What message?
20:48In the name of God, go.
20:53And that apparently was Granny Gosling
20:55when she was in service to the Duke of Norfolk.
20:58Grandad second from the right.
21:00Oh, yes.
21:04Oh, is that your mother she's holding?
21:07Yes, she'd have been about six months old there.
21:09Oh, dear, I think I'm going to have to go up.
21:21I'll leave you two to your memories.
21:24I'll see you in the morning.
21:25Good night, Alfred.
21:27Yes, night, Margaret.
21:36Ha!
21:37You remember this?
21:38Church parade.
21:40Armistice Day, 1937.
21:42I was in the Scouts, you were in the Wolf Cubs.
21:45Mum drew rings round our faces.
21:48We were tickled pink in those days
21:50to see our photos in the paper.
21:54That was when we were still living in Dibley Street.
21:56You remember?
21:58The five of us in that little terraced house
21:59at the top of the hill.
22:01The smell of Dad's homemade beetroot wine
22:04festering in the scullery.
22:05They reckoned it used to knock budgies off their perch
22:08up to three streets away.
22:11Yes, and our bedroom was right over the top of it.
22:14You remember that special way Granny used to have
22:17of cooking the Brussels
22:19that made them taste as if they'd been boiled in soap?
22:21Yes, the very thought of it makes you feel quite sick.
22:32My God, who's that?
22:34That was you.
22:36November the 3rd, 1936.
22:39You're right, I do look like a skeleton.
22:41No, I think you're wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
22:48Oh, yes, so I was.
22:51I remember that year.
22:54Wasn't that when the Catherine wheel
22:56fell off of the fence onto my school cap
22:59and everyone could see it except me?
23:01and I went around
23:02with my
23:04hat on fire.
23:15Would you like another bit of lemon?
23:17Yes, that would be nice.
23:19Excuse me, love.
23:30I'm sorry to bother you.
23:32You couldn't do us a massive favour.
23:34We've just finished relaying the pavement
23:35round the back here
23:36and it needs a good osing down.
23:37Get rid of the mess.
23:39Do you think I could just boil your tap
23:40for a few minutes?
23:41Yes, there's everything you like.
23:43Cheers.
23:49Now,
24:00there is no doubt at all
24:02in your mind, is there?
24:03It was definitely him.
24:05I told you,
24:06Melanie saw him do it.
24:08Said he was an old geezer in a cap.
24:11Looked like that mummified caveman
24:12in the paper.
24:14What?
24:16We'll see how he likes nasty things
24:18being put through his letterbox.
24:19OK, stick it well through.
24:39I'll go and turn it on.
24:40Half, are you up yet?
24:55Or do you want this in bed?
24:56Where's he wandered off to then?
25:22It's not even nine o'clock yet.
25:24He's gone.
25:25Gone?
25:25Gone where?
25:27Gone home.
25:29Gone?
25:30What's this?
25:32After you went to bed last night,
25:33he came downstairs for a drink
25:35and accidentally knocked
25:36and accidentally knocked that dictaphone
25:37onto the floor.
25:39You wonder why they wanted to come
25:41and stay with us?
25:42You should think the day he flew out,
25:44you see,
25:44there must have declared a national holiday.
25:46We never dinkered on his brothers,
25:47even when we were young.
25:50You thought you'd got the message by now.
25:52What message?
25:53To the name of God,
25:54go!
25:57Now, cheer up.
26:00Like he says in his letter,
26:02it'll be another 25 years
26:04before he bothers you again.
26:05Is it safe to open my eyes, yeah?
26:26It's fine.
26:28Everything's in one piece,
26:29exactly as we left it.
26:30I told you it'd be all right.
26:33Gone for that.
26:35No,
26:36I haven't overwalled it after all.
26:38I'm dreading coming back
26:39and finding that the whole...
26:47What in the name of bloody hell?
27:00Who's done this?
27:03Who's a bloody hell?
27:05Get a spirit pump.
27:06Who's done this?
27:26Oh, you're back.
27:47Did you have a good week?
27:48Sorry, Mr Mildred.
27:50Did you have a good...
27:52Does that mean a matter?
27:53There was one slight small question that was bothering me, yes,
27:58but I suppose it really matters much, one way or the other.
28:01What question's that?
28:03I was just wondering how you were going to get the end of this hosepipe
28:06out of your bottom.
28:12They say I might as well face the truth
28:15But I'm just too wrong in the truth
28:19I've started to deteriorate
28:22And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:26Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:29I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:33And my old knees have started to knock
28:36I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:40So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
28:44It's true that my body has seen better days
28:48But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:51One foot in the grave
28:54One foot in the grave
28:57One foot in the grave
29:01One foot in the grave
29:05One foot in the grave
29:05Two foot in the grave
29:06One foot in the grave
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