- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30OK, and finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress.
00:36Remember, we discuss them, we disable them.
00:40Um, only three.
00:42Well, let's see.
00:43Work, I suppose.
00:45Hasn't been much fun, since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion.
00:50Family.
00:51Never quite managed to start one, after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm account.
00:57And, of course, our new house.
00:59It's never really felt like home, what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture.
01:03Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here.
01:08The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work.
01:13Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that.
01:16But I swear to you, this person has totally dodged my life.
01:20We're talking about a man here who, for reasons utterly impenetrable,
01:25drove a motor mower around my employer's carpet, singing Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man.
01:29Then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden by spraying it with cocaine.
01:37And the reduction in your fertility.
01:41An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts.
01:49Yes.
01:54No, I just...
01:55Okay, to eradicate the problem, you must first confront it.
01:59Go back and visit this man.
02:01You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it.
02:05Right.
02:06And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life?
02:10By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism.
02:15The act of laughing.
02:16Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits,
02:19it stimulates the diaphragm, assisting our breathing,
02:22and so relieving our stress.
02:24So, for a count of ten, please, with lots of gusto.
02:27The trash you read in this local nowadays.
02:49Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth?
02:53Printed such a terrible write-up of his act,
02:55he went home and jumped off the roof.
02:57They've only got a review of his suicide in here now.
03:02Page 17, arts critic Marjorie Quayle
03:05is unimpressed by comic's final caper.
03:08If you want to do something useful,
03:10you can put this washing in the machine for me.
03:13It's mostly woolens,
03:14so make sure you set it at the right temperature.
03:17Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes,
03:21the sudden death last night
03:22of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett
03:25by plummeting from a tall building
03:27fell as flat on his face as the man himself.
03:31Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters,
03:35this creaky creed occur
03:38like the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Abacall
03:42and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of Winkles.
03:50He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke.
03:54Oh, give it one star for Don't Bother.
03:57I'll be out the back.
04:02Yes.
04:09Morning.
04:11Morning.
04:12Hello, Russell.
04:13Good morning.
04:14I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew,
04:16but we've had a few calls
04:18about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours.
04:23My God, is this it?
04:29What have you got in there?
04:30The Empire of Leicester Square?
04:31Yes.
04:32I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger.
04:35Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words 15-inch and 50-inch
04:38sounding very similar over the phone.
04:40You're supposed to be coming to take it back next week.
04:43Only, Mr Bithery says,
04:44the vibrations from Moira Stewart have been loosening his false leg.
04:49Oh, sorry, will you excuse me?
05:00Come on, Moses.
05:01Keith, if you've piled it, it's going to grow.
05:03Come here.
05:03Come on, Mrs Meldrew.
05:27I know.
05:28It must be absolutely ages.
05:30Oh, yes, easily.
05:48Anyway, how are things?
05:49Oh, a bit grisly at the moment, if truth be told,
05:53with it being Patrick's time of the month and everything.
05:55You know that thing men go through,
05:59where they can't open their mouths without getting right on your tits.
06:05What with that and Denzel losing his voice.
06:08Anyway, how about you?
06:11Anyway, how about you?
06:13Oh, yes.
06:15Still ticking over.
06:17Thanks for asking.
06:19Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant?
06:24Oh, you know, visiting one or two people, getting them washed and dressed in the mornings.
06:30Oh, and of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round,
06:32which seems to be keeping him out of mischief.
06:35Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps,
06:38the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight.
06:40Why don't you go?
06:42Right.
06:42Bye.
06:46Victor, what the hell are you doing?
06:49It's all right.
06:50I think you're going to be able to wear them.
06:52It's just I may have left them in a little bit too long.
06:54Oh, will you stop that?
06:55This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady
06:58who's just come out of hospital and has three children.
07:02Oh, spares.
07:06This is what I wear, you think?
07:09Look what you've done to these now.
07:12I'm sorry.
07:13I...
07:14I do...
07:14Ah, thank you very much.
07:25Can this possibly be a handmade sunscreen wallpaper for the spare bedroom?
07:31I'd just about given up hope.
07:33It's a wonder they sent it at all,
07:35the way you kept moaning on at them,
07:37ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton.
07:40I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using
07:45that meant we had to wait 15 weeks for a simple order.
07:49Didn't care for his attitude one bit,
07:51that one had looked like Frank Zappa.
07:54Anyway,
07:55I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight.
07:59It's such a long time since we've seen them.
08:02No.
08:03Not since we stayed over at their house that night
08:04and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed.
08:07and that ruddy sausage dog
08:10sniffing around just as I was getting undressed,
08:14staring up between my legs
08:15and dribbling as if it hadn't been fed for a week.
08:18I don't know what he thought he was about to...
08:23Oh, I do not believe...
08:27Will you look at this?
08:29Oh, I do not believe the nerve of this.
08:46I'll skin their ruddy heights for them.
08:49Oh, there we are.
08:55If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday,
08:57there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million.
09:00Just fill this wall rather nicely.
09:03Failing that, I don't know,
09:05something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period, or...
09:09So, that's it then, is it?
09:11You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle,
09:15just because of what's happened in the past.
09:18My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning.
09:26I hope I don't need to remind you
09:28what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite.
09:32Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think.
09:34We don't know it was that that made him loo.
09:38What the hell is all this?
09:41Congratulations!
09:43I am pleased to announce that you,
09:45Head of Reader's Digest Junk Mail,
09:48are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw
09:50and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts.
09:56A pair of diamond earrings worth at least £10,000,
10:00a fabulous dream holiday in Sunkissed Waikiki,
10:04or a dead rat.
10:06Open now to see which of these prizes is yours.
10:13Oh, my God, I feel sick.
10:18Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents
10:22that are yours to examine free of charge in your own home.
10:26Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of host.
10:30Yes, that's where we'll see her.
10:32They're like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change.
10:34You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you?
10:37Mm-hmm.
10:38And the frightening thing is,
10:40you can't even see it.
10:42Time of the month.
11:06Nutty zip.
11:13Don't know why I bother.
11:15Brand new pair of trousers and can't budget for love, no money.
11:19I mean, no matter what you buy nowadays,
11:30there's always got to be a problem.
11:34I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
11:36Leaving Mrs. Warboys to mine the fort when this arrived.
11:41It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr. Mildrew?
11:44I mean, she must have known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake.
11:49Oh, will you keep still jigging about like a Morris dancer?
11:53There.
11:56Now, come on.
11:58We've got 45 minutes to get to this place,
12:00and woe betide you if it's not up to standard.
12:02I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant.
12:05Meaning what?
12:06Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint.
12:10Meaning what, Margaret?
12:20Well, that was absolutely, um, horrible.
12:24I'm honest.
12:26Yes.
12:26I think when the crispy duck arrived and they'd burnt the beak,
12:29it was a sure sign for Victor.
12:32We've already established it doesn't work.
12:34Will you stop trying to force it?
12:36Oh!
12:37Oh, sorry.
12:40Anyway, I don't know why you're, uh, moaning.
12:46I think it's all been very, uh, tasty now, shall we?
12:50So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up.
12:54What are you going to get him?
12:55Have you decided yet?
12:56Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but...
13:00Or maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art.
13:03Oh, well.
13:05Didn't you say there's an artist who lives in your winter cleaning round?
13:09Perhaps you could find out if he's got any decent effect.
13:11I can do, perhaps.
13:12Tomorrow morning.
13:14In the meantime, I think I'll go for a piss-statch of ice cream and dessert.
13:20We'll be back in two shakes.
13:21We'll be back in two shakes.
13:51nelly.
13:54I think it's a sick.
13:56Damn it!
13:57Oh, my God.
14:27So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual?
14:38Yes, whose idea was it to come to this god-awful dive? Please do remind me.
14:42I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind to inquire about the underground brothel facilities.
14:48You've got to empty your bladder in good faith. You don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice-regulant.
14:53Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase popping out for a Chinese.
14:57You sure you don't want us to run your home?
15:00No, I'll be fine. Thanks, you'll be here in a tick. You two, get along. Have an early night.
15:05I'll phone you tomorrow.
15:07Night.
15:08Can I get you a drink, madam?
15:10Okay, I'll have white wine, please.
15:32Hello.
15:33Good morning.
15:34Do you suffer from a clenched colon?
15:37I beg your pardon?
15:39Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up like it's about to explode?
15:44Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS.
15:52Well, Derek Pangloss is kind of popular to talk to us about this.
15:55Derek, aren't you?
15:55What's going on here?
16:01Mrs. Halebury's mother across the road rang up to see her TV's on the blink and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars?
16:09She's retching the house down, you know, and she's self-hosting.
16:14Oh, like somebody standing on a hosepipe.
16:16Exactly.
16:16Hello?
16:17Someone standing on a hosepipe in which the muscular revulsion can also often leave.
16:21Sorry.
16:21You know, when you get the papers again.
16:27Helen, who were you trying to ring?
16:31Well, I was going to have another go.
16:31There was wallpaper mergers, but I suppose I can wait.
16:35It would be on my way anyway.
16:36You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way and see if you can get something for Patrick's boat.
16:44If he's there, yes.
16:45...many feet of tough and muscular tract whose principal function, the absorption of all the water in her...
16:51...in her diet.
16:53I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute and touch the cabinet.
17:09...is it right through it?
17:09Mm-hmm.
17:24Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting.
17:32Margaret, I wasn't expecting you this morning.
17:45Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought, um...
17:50A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss.
17:56Where are you off to?
17:57Uh, just popping out for a second, freezer.
17:59What?
18:00Just popping out for a second freezer, in case the first one packs up.
18:04Which, of course, it has.
18:05Huh, bloody freezers.
18:06So, um, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldew.
18:09Are you well?
18:13Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway.
18:17After last night's fun and games.
18:19Well, uh, in a manner of speaking...
18:22Yes.
18:26What do you mean, what is it?
18:28Why, what happened?
18:30After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar.
18:34Well, his name was Warren.
18:37He was there on his own, and...
18:41Oh, God, Pippa.
18:44His wife was away on business.
18:46He said, did I want to come back for coffee?
18:48I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee.
18:52All right, then.
18:53And about 55 brandies later, I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic.
18:59Now, here's the killer, Margaret.
19:02Margaret.
19:03When I was in the cab coming home, I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket.
19:09For your taxi fare, I suppose.
19:11Or something else.
19:12Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant.
19:15What if he thought I was part of the merchandise?
19:20£20?
19:22A loss leader?
19:24The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other.
19:27Being a bit of cheap trade, I could just about deal with.
19:31I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time.
19:34But if I found out I was having an affair last night,
19:38well, that's why I've got to see him again.
19:40I've got to find out one way or the other for my own sanity.
19:47Here we go, then.
19:49That's the last of them.
19:52No, it's fantastic.
19:54I think Sir's going to be well pleased when he gets back.
20:00Oh, is that the front door?
20:02I'll leave you to it, then.
20:04If you need anything, give me a shout.
20:09As I say, Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa.
20:13But anything you wanted to make an offer on, I could give him a call.
20:17These would all go for about £700 or £800 in a gallery.
20:21Well, as I say, it's for a friend.
20:26And I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend.
20:29Of course, his international profile is rising all the time.
20:33Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist.
20:36Any canvas he's even remotely unhappy with, that's it.
20:40Out it goes.
20:42Trash.
20:42Amazing, isn't it?
21:02Something like this can be just thrown away
21:04when you think of what some people would pay for it.
21:06Well, it's only going in the skip if you can find a use for it.
21:10Oh, really?
21:11Absolutely hideous.
21:27You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall?
21:31What's it meant to be?
21:33It's not meant to be anything.
21:35It's an abstract.
21:36It's different things to different people.
21:38I thought I might just give it a simple black frame
21:42and it could be a present to him from us.
21:45Stokes to high heaven.
21:47I know that much.
21:49You say people pay £700 for this?
21:52They must be out of their tiny minds.
21:54Oh, you know why?
22:02It's upside down.
22:07But, but, but, no, Mr. Willis, don't you think you should...
22:10No.
22:13Right.
22:14OK, then.
22:15Bye.
22:16That's 16 people all call to council now.
22:22Why should that happen all of a sudden?
22:25Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area
22:27poaching your customers.
22:30You know, I think it's starting to grow on me.
22:33The more you look at it,
22:35the more you see what he was trying to get at.
22:36The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged,
22:41the more you study it.
22:44Goes on like this,
22:45I won't have any more calls left before long.
22:52Pags.
22:54Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant.
22:57I saw a programme once
23:21where they took three months
23:23to restore a damaged Rembrandt.
23:27If I can just get the worst of it off
23:29before it dries.
23:40Stop, sir!
23:43What is it now?
23:46There's Parish magazine.
23:48You'll never believe what they...
23:49A review of my window cleaning.
23:53In an occasional series about our job men,
23:58local arts critic Marjorie Quayle
24:01assesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew.
24:05I didn't even know she was one of my customers.
24:09His squeegee action is limp and flaccid.
24:14His entire subtext,
24:16mired in cliché,
24:17where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity,
24:22Meldrew has nothing to offer
24:23but a thoughtless residue of suds.
24:27As for his technique with her chamois leather,
24:31I have seen it more deftly manipulated
24:33on a goat's arse.
24:36Well, that's a stinker.
24:42No wonder your business is dropping off.
24:45I'm trying to earn a living,
24:47for goodness sake.
24:50Why have people got to be so cruel?
24:52That's Liddy,
24:59who's a little sweetheart, aren't you?
25:02And this here's Segretti.
25:04And out there,
25:05eating the pansies,
25:07that's Magruder.
25:08So, are all your pets
25:09named after Watergate conspirators?
25:12I tell you,
25:12it's a fascinating period of American history.
25:14You never see all the President's men.
25:16Listen,
25:16about the other night,
25:19I had had quite a lot to drink
25:22and,
25:23Warren,
25:24can I just stop you there for a second?
25:26That money you put in my purse afterwards...
25:29Oh,
25:30was more than enough, I hope.
25:32For the taxi.
25:34Listen,
25:35you don't have to feel guilty about this,
25:37either of us.
25:38It's just there comes a time in any marriage
25:40when you need a little break.
25:42You go abroad for a holiday
25:43doesn't mean you have to emigrate.
25:45Yes.
25:45Well,
25:46I really don't think it's a good idea
25:48for us to...
25:50Is this your wife?
25:53Oh,
25:53yes,
25:54that's Sally.
25:55Bloody hell.
25:57She's gorgeous.
25:59Well,
25:59she is.
26:01In her own way.
26:03And you,
26:04in yours.
26:05A few hours from now,
26:07she'll be in Geneva.
26:10So...
26:15Warren,
26:26I can't.
26:27I can't.
26:33Oh,
26:34hi.
26:36Can you believe it?
26:38Get me on head
26:39if it wasn't screwed on.
26:41Um,
26:42sorry to interrupt.
26:47His sister?
26:48Oh,
26:49you're joking.
26:50Apparently,
26:51they share a house,
26:52but she's hardly ever there.
26:53Of course,
26:54he wanted me to think
26:55he was married.
26:56That way,
26:57there was no danger
26:58of it getting serious.
27:00I mean,
27:00I think that's absolutely
27:01the worst kind of cheat,
27:03don't you?
27:04Someone who says he's a cheat
27:05when he isn't.
27:06Anyway,
27:08I think I've found
27:10the perfect softener
27:11in the shape
27:13of Denzel Junior.
27:15Yes,
27:17you can talk,
27:18can't you?
27:20I'm hoping
27:21that with this
27:22and Victor's painting,
27:24he'll be in a good enough mood
27:25by tonight
27:26for me to broach
27:26the dreaded subject.
27:28Now,
27:29not a peep out of you
27:30till I say,
27:33Patrick,
27:34very happy returns.
27:36I think Victor's
27:38got a little surprise
27:39for you.
27:40Upstairs.
27:47Well,
27:48I don't know
27:49what to say.
27:51Rather taken aback.
27:54I suppose you're
27:54wondering where
27:55it came from.
27:57Well,
27:57that's right.
27:59Couldn't even begin
28:00to hazard a guess.
28:02The rectum
28:03of a very nervous
28:04albatross.
28:06A clock of willow warblers
28:08with chronic dysentery.
28:11Yes,
28:11I have to say,
28:11Mr Meldrew,
28:12you certainly
28:12haven't lost your touch.
28:14And when your wife
28:14said you had
28:15a little surprise
28:16lined up for me,
28:16I'll admit
28:17one or two
28:18old favourites
28:18did spring to mind.
28:20A gift pack
28:21of your own
28:21worn underpants,
28:23a jar of
28:23foam of cat's urine,
28:25but known for
28:25all-round staggering
28:26pointlessness,
28:27this has to take
28:28the biscuit.
28:29What do you say?
28:31You don't like it?
28:33Mrs Meldrew,
28:33what is there to like?
28:34It's excrement.
28:37Oh,
28:38very gracious
28:39of you to say so.
28:41I don't know
28:42why I bother
28:42sometimes.
28:43You try and build bridges
28:44and what happens?
28:45I should have known better.
28:47Victor?
28:47You're not going
28:49to leave this here.
28:50What is it?
28:51What's happening?
28:52How do you even
28:53attempt to get
28:54inside a mind like that?
28:55It's not just the fact
28:56that he brings me
28:57a sheet of plywood
28:58splattered with
28:58bird shit for my birthday.
29:00For some reason,
29:01he imagines
29:01he can take the curse
29:03off the smell
29:03with trace elements
29:04of tomato ketchup.
29:07I'm sorry,
29:08but it's not staying here.
29:14I'm sorry.
29:15I think I forgot
29:17my drill.
29:39Well,
29:39I don't know.
29:41I,
29:42we knew the artist
29:43wasn't happy with it,
29:44but,
29:45as you say,
29:46why do people
29:47have to be so
29:47horribly critical?
29:51How many cancellations
29:52now?
29:53More than enough,
29:54I think,
29:54to convince me
29:55I should chuck it all in.
29:57Thank you very much,
29:59Marjorie Quill.
30:02I still can't credit
30:03that thing with Pippa,
30:04you know.
30:05But she could do
30:06something like that
30:07without knowing
30:08whether she was
30:09being used or not.
30:10I mean,
30:11for some men,
30:11the height of sexual arousal
30:12may be achieved
30:14by being tempered
30:14like a baby.
30:16People might say
30:18I'm abusing the system
30:20to indulge
30:20my own erotic fantasies,
30:22but I'm paying for a service.
30:25She's providing one.
30:26Who's getting hurt?
30:28The fact that to her
30:29it is not a game
30:31is what makes it
30:32all so terribly exciting.
30:34Here she is now, sir.
30:41Morning, Mr. Jefferson.
30:43I have a thing, Mr. Day.
30:45Would you like a hand
30:46getting out of your pyjamas?
30:48All bathed and dressed.
30:51I thought we might try
30:52this new taco powder today,
30:53see if it makes a difference
30:54to the itching.
30:59I just want to ease
31:00your legs over the side
31:01and then I think
31:03I can catch it.
31:04let's wriggle these off
31:05for you.
31:06There we go.
31:08Yes, yes, yes.
31:08Up we get.
31:16I feel a bit stiff
31:17after everything today
31:18so just have a good
31:19night's rest
31:20and let those bones
31:22knit back together.
31:26Well, that's one birthday
31:28I won't be sorry
31:29to put behind me.
31:30Yes.
31:32By the way,
31:34I met a bloke
31:35the other night
31:36at that restaurant.
31:37I was quite drunk
31:38and it didn't mean anything
31:40but we went back
31:41to his house afterwards
31:43and made mad passionate
31:44love together.
31:45I won't do it again.
31:46you said to your wife's homework.
31:47Alone, that's another room.
31:47Don't
31:48say I might as well face the truth
31:49man
31:49ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
31:54They say I might as well face the truth
32:04But I am just too long in the tooth
32:08I've started to deteriorate
32:11And now I've passed my own sell-by date
32:15Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
32:18I have to pop my teeth into tube
32:21And my old knees have started to knock
32:25I've just got too many miles on the clock
32:28So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
32:33It's true that my body has seen better days
32:37But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
32:40One foot in the grave
32:43One foot in the grave
32:46One foot in the grave
32:50One foot in the grave
32:52One foot in the grave
32:53One foot in the grave
32:54One foot in the grave
32:55One foot in the grave
32:56One foot in the grave
32:57One foot in the grave
32:58One foot in the grave
32:59One foot in the grave
33:00One foot in the grave
33:01One foot in the grave
33:02One foot in the grave
33:03One foot in the grave
33:04One foot in the grave
33:05One foot in the grave
33:06One foot in the grave
33:07One foot in the grave
33:08One foot in the grave
33:09One foot in the grave
33:10One foot in the grave
33:11One foot in the grave
33:12One foot in the grave
33:13One foot in the grave
33:14One foot in the grave
33:15One foot in the grave
33:16One foot in the grave
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