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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:07So I'm an OAP at weak need, but I'm not yet quite gone to sea.
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30Say what you will, the countryside is still the only place where I could settle down.
00:53Troubles there are so much rarer.
00:57Spring starts to spring, the cuckoo starts to sing, a song to tell.
01:07Spring cleaning has a name out of town.
01:17Out there the sun is a big yellow sky.
01:39Out there the sun is in the blue, blue sky.
01:46He climbs in the foster, hanging on the breeze to drive.
01:53Up comes Foster from Lab Vauxhall, Eddie Burst, the right-handed hooper and hooper.
01:56This court has left by groups.
01:58Now, Mr. Meldrick, if you take one step to your left, you'll be standing in a huge pile
02:21of dogs, Mr. Meldrick, smile! Out there the sun is a big yellow duster, polishing the blue blue sky, with light fluffy clouds in a cluster, hanging on the breeze to dry.
02:46Wings everywhere, blossomed in the hair, and Mother Nature wears her newest gown, what I'd give once more to live right out of town.
03:04Which 1960s album was banned in many shops because the cover depicted nude women? Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix.
03:23Green, please. Which vegetable was the world's best-selling aphrodisiac? Asparagus. Correct. Three. Pink, please.
03:35What was the stage name of the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins? Can't wait to eat. Two. Two. Green.
03:45How many noses does an ant have? Nine. Orange. Which famous aphrodisiac?
03:57Help! For God's sake, somebody help! We can't move! If anyone can hear us for the love of God, help!
04:07Aphrodisiac!
04:17Athlete, won the 1952 Olympic marathon.
04:19Emil Satterbeck. Correct.
04:21One. Green for a wedge, please.
04:24What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of?
04:27Buds.
04:28Goodness sake! How the bloody hell do you know all these?
04:34Sorry, Mr Meldrum.
04:36Excrement of a gazelle. What do you do, go about sniffing it?
04:39How many noses Conway Twitty's got?
04:42Forty minutes have been playing and no-one else has ever questioned yet!
04:46Anyway, I mean, enough of this stupid game.
04:50I don't know why you had to bring it.
04:52Let's all go out for a nice day in the country. Start off on the A143 and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now!
05:12Four hours we've been marooned here!
05:15Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle when the river split into three back there, didn't we, Mr Meldrum?
05:20Funny how things turn out.
05:22Funny? Yes.
05:23It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread. I could sew up my sides where they've split from laughing.
05:27Yes. Having yours left, it will be a start.
05:35There was nothing wrong with that idea. That was a good idea to try and punt our way back.
05:40It's not my fault they get stuck in the mud and left behind.
05:43We don't even know which way the way back is now!
05:46We're completely and utterly lost!
05:49Help! For God's sake, somebody out there! Help!
05:55All tense again now!
06:08Going to have to have another gallium.
06:11Mind you don't take half a dozen at once and put us all out of our misery.
06:15It's no good shouting. It only keeps making your nose bleed again.
06:20Bloody freezing now.
06:26And I'm dying to go to the toilet.
06:29Not like an ice bucket.
06:31Has anybody seen the lid to this?
06:34Because I think you'll find it's over there.
06:37Do you mean someone only had two feet of water?
06:54What the bloody hell did you tell us, for God's sake?
07:01Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here and play Trivial Pursuit.
07:11God only knows how we get back to that boot house from here
07:15and the Burma Railway at this meet.
07:18Mind your new dress and these thorns, Mrs Walvois, they're very sharp.
07:23Mind her new dress? What about my new dress? Thank you very much.
07:33Oh, is that you as well?
07:37You said.
07:39I knew it was going to be one of these days.
07:43If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on, she'd have turned up wearing one.
07:49Oh, great! That's all we needed.
08:05Smell, girls! Up here! Come and see!
08:13Oh, goody, what's he found this time? Some fresh stout dung.
08:23Must have veered off the road or something and then couldn't get it going again.
08:26Now, he's locked the front door, but the back is still open.
08:31At least we can take cover until the rain eases off.
08:34What do you think?
08:36How could you do it?
08:37Don't work.
08:38Instincts are going to get to go.
08:39What's the difference?
08:40How could you do it?
08:41Let it go.
08:42Where do you think you've only seen the car?
08:43No!
08:44What are you going to do?
08:45Where do you think you've got to go?
08:46What are you doing?
08:47I don't know.
08:48How do you think you're a good boy?
08:49How do you think you've got to go?
08:51I don't know how to go.
08:52We're going to go.
08:53You're going to go!
08:55What are you talking about?
08:56What are you talking about?
08:58Hello!
09:15It's quite nice out here now.
09:19I've just been watching two frogs having sex.
09:21We might be lucky enough to see a cow getting a cat fell into trouble.
09:30I've got crampers to drive me bananas.
09:33Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well. I can hardly feel it.
09:37You go first, and I'll...
09:43Oh, my God! I must smell it!
09:46Oh, my God!
09:49Look down!
09:51What does that bloody look like?
09:53They're seriously there with that bloody fit inside!
10:00Oh, my God!
10:02How do these things happen?
10:04Look, it's all right, don't panic.
10:06It's only a small bag of mortar.
10:08We'll soon get that off.
10:10No problem.
10:17I'll ask you to reach my heart.
10:20No, no!
10:21I'll ask you to reach my heart.
10:23No problem.
10:24No!
10:25No!
10:31No!
10:32No!
10:33No!
10:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
10:36No!
10:37No!
10:38No!
10:39Oh, this is a life, isn't it?
10:51I always think you've never lived up.
10:54And you've been forced to trudge for three miles up a dirt track
10:57with a sack of conking in it.
11:00Hard, that stuff says.
11:02I felt for sure that tile evil would have managed to crack it open.
11:05Yes, but on the other hand, it was stunningly effective
11:08in breaking three of my toes.
11:10But, by a lucky coincidence, they're already all in plaster,
11:14so it couldn't have worked my way.
11:30Right. That's it.
11:33I've put it off for as long as it's humanly possible.
11:36As it was, guys.
11:38I'm afraid I can't last another second.
11:43Thank you, Mr. Watson.
11:45Please.
11:46Victor!
11:47Can't you bottle it up?
11:49If I had a bottle, yes.
11:50But, Billy, now, I'll just have to use this tree.
11:55Sorry, Mrs. Watt, boys.
11:57You'll just have to flip the other way
11:59and put your fingers in it, yes.
12:01Why do men always have to do it up against something?
12:11I've never been able to fathom it out.
12:13I have to go through.
12:30Tell him.
12:33Hmm?
12:34Oh, my God.
12:34Do you mind?
12:35Thanks,Valda.
12:35I have oneowych morning.
12:36Please.
12:36Give me a little sister.
12:38Oh, my God.
12:38Oh, God.
12:47How much further, Mr. Melgru?
12:50We've been walking for two hours now.
12:54It must be close to some form of civilisation by now.
13:08Oh, God, let's see where to wrap this before.
13:13Then perhaps the park has us something.
13:25I don't be kidding.
13:30This isn't happening.
13:32Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle.
13:41I just...
13:44Look, it's a car.
13:49Thank God.
14:02Can you get up?
14:17Oh, my God, you're a joy-riding lunge.
14:20Oh, thank God for that.
14:22I thought I'd never see it again.
14:25Oh, no bones broken or anything?
14:28Oh, careful now.
14:29Mr. Melgru, who do I?
14:31Mrs. Warboys, be careful.
14:33Come on.
14:37It's getting dark by the second.
14:39We can't make Jean walk any further.
14:42Somebody is going to have to go and get help,
14:45and the rest of us will wait in the van.
14:47Well, do you want to...
14:48I'll go.
14:48It's the only sensible thing.
14:50I'll go myself.
14:52I'll be back as soon as I can.
14:54Oh, for goodness sake.
14:55Be careful, Mr. Melgru.
14:56You never know what's out there.
15:01No.
15:04But, before and that's it, you'll smoothly put them in.
15:08Oh, my God!
15:09Oh, my God!
15:18Oh, my God!
15:19Oh, my God!
15:19Oh, my God!
15:20Oh, my God.
15:50Oh, my God.
16:20Oh, my God.
16:50Oh, my God.
17:20Oh, my God.
17:21Oh, my God.
17:22Oh, my God.
17:23Oh, my God.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:25Oh, my God.
17:26Oh, my God.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:28Oh, my God.
17:29Oh, my God.
17:30Oh, my God.
17:31Oh, my God.
17:32Oh, my God.
17:33Oh, my God.
17:34Oh, my God.
17:35Oh, my God.
17:36Oh, my God.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39Oh, my God.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41Oh, my God.
17:42Oh, my God.
17:43Oh, my God.
17:44Oh, my God.
17:45This is downstairs, Bartholomew.
17:49There's two other ones upstairs.
17:52I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you.
17:56And so you're going to phone the police for me, are you?
18:04Lovely. Thanks very much, then.
18:15Mr. Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed at this time of night?
18:45Good night, Miss Lando. Good night, Rachel.
19:15I'm sorry.
19:45Come on.
20:15You turn right at the end of this road,
20:25then fork left for 100 yards,
20:27and you'll be right back at the boathouse.
20:29It's literally a 10-minute walk.
20:31Right. Thanks.
20:33Let's check I've got the car keys.
20:35Yes.
20:36And I'm sorry about the, um...
20:38I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.
20:40I'm afraid Mr. Gorshin is a little on the hyperactive side.
20:43I'll have a quiet word for them when you've gone.
20:46Thanks. Bye.
20:56No. No.
20:58Don't let me go.
21:00Please.
21:00No. No.
21:02Please don't let me go.
21:05Please.
21:06It's horrible dreams.
21:09They're horrible.
21:09Oh, please don't let me go back to bed.
21:13I've tried the intervening sedative.
21:15They're not down with my hands.
21:20Get up, you stupid old fool.
21:23Get up off the floor.
21:24Did you hear?
21:26Get up!
21:27It was light lip!
21:29Do you?
21:30Oh!
21:45No!
21:46No!
21:46No!
21:46No!
21:47No!
21:48No!
21:49No!
21:50No!
21:50No!
21:52No!
21:54No!
21:55No!
21:56I don't think we'll have too much trouble from there tonight.
22:20We'll see if they've cooled down a bit by tomorrow morning.
22:26Hey, how dare you!
22:56I don't think we'll have too much trouble.
23:01I don't know.
23:03I don't know.
23:05I don't know.
23:07I don't know.
23:09I don't know.
23:12I don't know.
23:14I don't know.
23:17I don't know.
23:19I don't know.
23:20I don't know.
23:21I don't know.
23:22I don't know.
23:23I don't know.
23:24I don't know.
23:25I don't know.
23:26I don't know.
23:27I don't know.
23:28I don't know.
23:29I don't know.
23:30I don't know.
23:31I don't know.
23:32I don't know.
23:33I don't know.
23:34I don't know.
23:35I don't know.
23:36I don't know.
23:37I don't know.
23:38I don't know.
23:39I don't know.
23:40I don't know.
23:41I don't know.
23:42I don't know.
23:43I don't know.
23:44I don't know.
23:45I don't know.
23:46I don't know.
23:47I don't know.
23:48I don't know.
23:49I don't know.
23:50I don't know.
23:51I don't know.
23:52I don't know.
23:53I don't know.
23:54I don't know.
23:55I don't know.
23:56I don't know.
23:57I don't know.
23:58I don't know.
23:59I don't know.
24:00I don't know.
24:01I don't know.
24:02I don't know.
24:03I don't know.
24:04I don't know.
24:05I don't know.
24:06I don't know.
24:07Oh, my God.
24:37Oh, I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom.
24:44Oh, right.
24:52So you did.
24:53There.
24:55Good night.
24:56Good night.
24:57Oh, sorry.
24:58I very nearly forgot.
25:00Nearly forgot what?
25:01I very nearly forgot to call you an evil, loathsome bastard.
25:05I like the sewage right the way you treat these people, and I shall be calling the social
25:10services department first thing in the morning to tell them about the sickening brutality
25:14that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care.
25:16I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, not just one or two.
25:23You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work, or the destructive behaviour
25:28they're capable of.
25:29I'm sorry?
25:30What language are you talking in now?
25:33It appears to be bollocks.
25:36You have been forcibly ejected.
25:39Martin, for now.
25:40I think you'll find they've all gone sleepy by us now, actually.
25:44Half a dozen value of each.
25:47Yes.
25:47In fact, I should think you're ready for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you?
25:51I want you out of this wedding.
25:55And if anyone calls the authorities, it'll be me ringing the police to report an aged pervert
26:00who broke into my bathroom tonight and exposed himself.
26:03And last time are you g...
26:06RRRRRR!
26:18RRRRRRR!
26:24RRRRRRR!
26:25I don't think you have any more trouble with it tonight, but keep the door locked.
26:39I'll make sure that someone runs first thing.
26:55Mr. Mildred?
27:00Where did you come from?
27:01Well, I managed to get the van started in the end, bypass the ignition.
27:04I just dropped the ladies off at the car, then I came back to look for you.
27:08What's been going on?
27:10I'll tell you in a minute.
27:11Do we have four more bags of cement in there, by any chance?
27:20Well, there's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment.
27:24No question about that.
27:25Biggest question of all is, what happened to the staff?
27:28Where did they all vanish to suddenly?
27:30Can't get any sense out of the residence for some story about a mystery man who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night, like the Lone Ranger.
27:39I expect they all got the wind up.
27:42Decided to make a run for it before we got here.
27:44I suppose that's it, yes.
27:46Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements.
27:47Well, let's...
28:18They say I might as well face the truth
28:23But I am just too long in the tooth
28:26I've started to deteriorate
28:30And now I've passed my own cell by date
28:34Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:37I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:40And my old knees have started to knock
28:44I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:47So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
28:52It's true that my body has seen better days
28:55But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:59One foot in the grave
29:02One foot in the grave
29:05One foot in the grave
29:09One foot in the grave
29:13One foot in the grave
29:14One foot in the grave
29:15One foot in the grave
29:15One foot in the grave
29:16One foot in the grave
29:17One foot in the grave
29:17One foot in the grave
29:18One foot in the grave
29:18One foot in the grave
29:19One foot in the grave
29:19One foot in the grave
29:20One foot in the grave
29:20One foot in the grave
29:21One foot in the grave
29:21One foot in the grave
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