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00:00A
00:05can
00:07a
00:10a
00:17?
00:20?
00:23?
00:25?
00:27?
00:28?
00:29Oh, switchboard operators say they're going to put you through and then leave you here to rot to death.
00:36I'll speak to you like an insect into the bargain.
00:43Pardon me? Hello, yes. I don't know if you remember me, Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach.
00:50I'm one of your jurors in jury service this week, and I was just ringing up to see if I'd be required again tomorrow, or I suggest...
00:57Right, thank you then. Bye. Five days in the trot, I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet.
01:10You can't do anything else when you're on call, you can't organise anything, you can't plan anything.
01:16In case you're the willies.
01:23I suppose you're going to keep that up all day now, are you as well?
01:27I swear, blindness, someone up there watching.
01:30Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew unwinding the flex in his lawnmower, let's piss it down.
01:39A hundred and one things to do out there, and I'm stuck in here like the Prisoner of Zender.
01:44I wonder if I was to pick that scab off, it would start bleeding.
01:56I'll dry it up now like a Kellogg's brand flick.
02:01Leave it alone, for goodness sake, it'll come off on its own. Let it take its natural course.
02:05What makes you yawn apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?
02:19Reflex, I suppose.
02:23Reflex, I suppose.
02:25There you are. Couldn't wait, could you?
02:29Just couldn't leave it alone.
02:30You've made it a hundred times!
02:31I'm not sure what you've had to leave.
02:32I've never made it alone.
02:33I've never made it.
02:38There you are.
02:39Couldn't wait, could you?
02:41Just couldn't leave it alone.
02:42there you are couldn't wait could you just couldn't leave it alone now you've made it a
02:58hundred times worse i knew that would happen
03:04what if you can get tetanus from a barclay card
03:06things you can cut yourself on these days never ceases to amaze me
03:16what does log jaw feel like
03:21probably feels like this
03:25feel sick now with all that getting that colicky sensation back again abdominal disorders
03:35disorders where are we
03:40my god colon tumor often no symptoms in the early stages exactly what i've got
03:53stop it oh i've seen it again every time i go through this medical book i try not to see it
04:00and it always falls open at the same page the fastener
04:08makes you weep just at the thought
04:12i have to stick a thimble in the end again
04:17put it away and stop fretting about it
04:20that crack wasn't as long as that yesterday surely
04:31look at that i get my fingernail right in there now that wasn't like that before
04:37it's just shrinkage the house is not going to suddenly collapse on top of your head
05:07what are you doing up there strutting around as though you owned the lampshade
05:17well i'm sorry matey we're not going to have any of that
05:21thank you very much
05:23where did daddy long legs come from
05:26saw one flitting up and down the shower curtain this morning if i managed to slow him down with some
05:30hair lacquer just a little quirk of mine i never share a bath with anything it's got six legs
05:43earwigs bumblebees
05:46dudley moore trio
05:50now the trick here is to get a hold of him without breaking too many of his oh
05:54bugger it
05:59go in here go in here gotcha
06:09go on what are you waiting for a parachute
06:13now
06:15he'll be all right now he's lived straight into that lucasade can
06:18and good riddance
06:22oh i have to have some jollup for this stomach it's no good
06:31now where is it pepto-bismol
06:35i never knew whether to drink this stuff or clean the windows with it
06:56caution this medication can lead to darkening of the stool
07:05i sincerely hope not
07:14now that's something i could be doing cleaning those venetian lines
07:18they're filthy and caked and dust i've been putting that job off for months now
07:22oh god i'm bored out of my skull
07:36i swear this is getting stiffer by the minute
07:41probably be dead by half past five
07:43man contracts horrific muscular disorder in order to avoid watching neighbors
07:55what in the name of bloody hell
07:59i do not believe in the name of sanity i do
08:07that's it that's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time
08:13i knew what receipt
08:17hello yes i'd like to speak to the manager please and be quick about it
08:23mel drew no he doesn't but he will shortly
08:29hello is that mr p.t sturgeon yes well it's about a large yucca plant your garden center delivered to
08:38my house this morning yes a young chap i didn't catch his name it may have been frank spencer
08:45well i'm telling you exactly what the problem is mr sturgeon i was out the back working in the
08:50garden when he arrived so i asked him if for the time being he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me
08:54for me and you know what he's done he's only planted it in the pan
09:03yes actually in the lavatory pan
09:07with compost and everything i mean how anyone could be so utterly goofy just
09:12follow the line
09:18a mistake anyone could have made
09:22are you stark stick i mean what am i supposed to do cock my leg against the trunk like a york
09:30no i would not i'll do it myself thank you very much and in future
09:34i suggest you try and hire some people with a bit of common sense between their ears
09:44put it in the downstairs toilet
09:46perhaps i'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword
10:02now what did i do
10:11now
10:19one across
10:22mad poet mugged by banjo player sees red when eating pickles
10:27um five across
10:53eggnog but get a tad bugged for letters
11:08but get a tad bugged
11:10too dumb
11:17um
11:19elf's ego gets my goat
11:22head of mi5 upset the french by reversing into dad's underpants
11:29it's a doddle
11:31and that next hospital appointment
12:01an idea it's next week
12:11yes tuesday at 10
12:17yes
12:18suppose that'll be another barrel of chuckles
12:22in my most intimate areas probed by a consultant that looks like yessa arafat
12:26still not her fault i suppose
12:31i hope it looks
12:39please let it not be mrs warboys to tell me about a holiday in cork
12:44a bow by blow account of every second of every day please anything but that
12:51four two nine one
12:54good morning mrs warboys how was good
12:58yes
13:01lovely
13:03yes
13:06i'd love to chat but i'm afraid i'm actually in the middle of jury service at this precise moment
13:11yes
13:14yes you told us that in the postcard
13:16yes you told us that as well
13:18yes very interesting
13:21mm-hmm uh-huh
13:23uh-huh
13:31bloody hell
13:34bloody pens
13:47now where's my flannel got to I leave it in the rail and she has to put it away so we know where
13:59things are it doesn't work does it because I bloody well don't know where it is the riddle of
14:05the Bermuda Triangle was finally solved today when it was revealed that Mrs Margaret Meldew of
14:0919 Riverbank had for the past 50 years been putting all the ships and planes away so we'd
14:15know where they were
14:21madness
14:39oh yes
14:42yeah uh-huh
14:45The top of this radiator is completely cold again.
15:06What the hell's the matter with this thing?
15:09Bleeding...
15:11Bleeding radators.
15:14What did that come under?
15:16Here we are.
15:18The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble.
15:22See under chronic cystitis.
15:30Wrong ruddy book now.
15:44Oh, I see you.
15:48Lovely.
15:50Yes, right.
15:52Yes, bye Mrs Warboys.
15:54There must be something constructive you can do.
16:10What about that letter to Alfred?
16:12It's long overdue.
16:14Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak.
16:18Oh, dear Alfred.
16:28Thank you...
16:32Very much.
16:34For your last letter and the nude photographs.
16:40No, I don't think I'd appreciate that.
16:44Six months old I was there.
16:48And I don't look any different from what I am now.
16:52Might have put some clothes on before they took it.
16:56Not a bad little body though.
16:58Fancy keeping all these all this time.
17:02Mmm.
17:16Mmm.
17:22Dear Alfred.
17:24Sorry, I haven't written sooner.
17:30But it is all go at this end.
17:51Can't think of anything else to write now.
17:56Perhaps I'll write to you when I've got more time.
18:00I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse.
18:04You weren't going anywhere special, were you?
18:10Any more of you while I'm at it?
18:12Now, you've all scuttled off a cover, haven't you?
18:16Till I leave the room.
18:18Breathe like bloody wildfire.
18:20Must be sex mad.
18:22I could just eat a plate of chips now.
18:32With two runny fried eggs.
18:34And okay fruity sauce.
18:36Nope.
18:38Had that yesterday.
18:42Had it the day before as well.
18:44Soon started to look like a chip.
18:46Have to have something healthier today to balance it out.
18:50Erm.
18:52Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on.
18:56Of course, I could always grill the chips.
18:58Not as nice as cooking them in fat.
19:00That's the best part of it.
19:02Ate a whole slab of Cadbury's dairy milk yesterday.
19:04All in one go.
19:06One of those massive half pound blocks made me feel totally sick.
19:10I swore I'd never do that again.
19:14Just...
19:36Just...
19:40Just two small squares for now.
19:48Won't do any harm.
20:06Oh, there's four and a half there.
20:10Never mind.
20:22The Lord is thy judge.
20:25He is all-seeing and all-knowing.
20:27He knoweth when thou sinnest,
20:29and when lust and thy sensuousness burn in thy breast.
20:36And he knoweth you called us a pair of persistent bastards last week.
20:40And told us to sod off and leave you in peace.
20:42May the Lord have mercy on your soul.
20:47They must have written that last bit on themselves.
20:49I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day.
21:08I suppose if I was religious, I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse.
21:11I wasn't doing anyone any harm, just walking across the floor,
21:15minding his own business, going for a quiet stroll on the gripper rod.
21:20For no apparent reason, I just callously murdered it in cold blood.
21:27Discrimination.
21:29Didn't do that with the Daddy Longlegs, did I?
21:30No, he was picked up in a nice, fluffy duster and shaken out of the window.
21:36Talk about a classless society.
21:39I just couldn't believe that last election result.
21:43This is like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor.
21:47Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time,
21:51but I still think it deserves another chance.
21:58Oh, come on, you didn't come up here for anything specific in the first place.
22:01I know what I'll have to cheer myself up.
22:29Beans on toast.
22:32Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine.
22:47I got stuck behind that same old weirdo in a supermarket yesterday.
22:52One with a permanent boil on the back of his head.
22:56I think it seems to get any smaller heal-up or anything,
22:58not as long as I've been shopping there.
23:00The first time I saw it, I thought he was wearing one of those comic relief noses
23:05back to front of the joke.
23:10Come on.
23:12Yes, an adventure and a harking into that place.
23:16Always something happening.
23:18One of the bakery staff lost his toupee the other day.
23:21He came out with a tray of babs wearing a tea towel on his head.
23:27Can't tell me that's hygienic.
23:29This shirt's getting too small.
23:35Look at that.
23:35Just a great mound of crisps, chocolate and chips.
23:39So I'll have to start cutting down the...
23:41Oh, no.
23:45Oh, no, please.
23:47Not that.
23:48Where did that come from?
23:50A new mole.
23:53There's something you never want to see.
23:56There must have come up overnight.
23:57That wasn't there before this.
24:08What's the point?
24:09You know it all off by heart anyway.
24:11Just keep calm.
24:13You're going to see a skin specialist, Nick Tuesday.
24:16You can show it to her.
24:17I might be dead by next Tuesday.
24:26Oh, God.
24:29That's it.
24:31I'm finished.
24:35It's all over.
24:39Do you know what this is?
24:41This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse.
24:44Probably a capital offence if I did, but no.
24:47And may the Lord have mercy on your soul.
24:55Been tried, convicted and sentenced all in the space of ten minutes.
25:04Still, I've had a good life.
25:10I've had a bloody awful life!
25:17Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell letter to your brother and get it over with.
25:23Dear Alfred,
25:31this is probably the last time I...
25:42I don't believe...
25:47Am I seeing things?
25:50Oh...
25:50Oh, no!
25:52It's in the same place!
26:03It's the same...
26:04Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative.
26:06Oh, no, it's definitely there.
26:10It's been there all the time!
26:12For 61 years!
26:13Absolutely incredible!
26:14I've had a mole in my stomach all my life, and I've only seen it this day.
26:18Oh, thank you for that.
26:19Oh, God!
26:20Sentenced to death, and I've managed to get off with life!
26:22I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness for as long as I live.
26:25I'll never be rude to anyone again.
26:40I mean, let's face it, if you've got your health, what else is there possibly to worry
26:46about?
26:47I mean, you just don't know how well off you are.
26:57Not in the name of bloody hell.
27:02I do not be mean!
27:17Gee...
27:18Gee, L. Dinkins here pieces of distinction?
27:22Well, that just about takes a biscuit.
27:25I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough!
27:29I mean, he must have realised it had come off, for God's sake!
27:33Well, this is just about it.
27:34This is about it.
27:35I mean, what am I going to find next?
27:40A false arm on the French stick?
27:43Glass eyes staring up out of my head on the coconut meringues?
27:55Absolutely bloody hideous!
27:57It might as well says we're wearing a loaf of bread in the top of your head!
28:01How anyone could...
28:02Hello!
28:03Yes!
28:04I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and quick about it.
28:07Mildrew.
28:08No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly!
28:14I'll tell you exactly what the problem is.
28:16I have just bought a large bowl of beer.
28:19The big one I can't get say,
28:25who is this company's bloody today?
28:26What do they ask?
28:27Energy is beyond a daily salary, isn't it?
28:31They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth. I've started to deteriorate, and now I've passed my own sell-by date.
28:45Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true. I have to pop my teeth into tube, and my old knees have started to knock. I've just got too many miles on the clock, so I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways.
29:04It's true that my body has seen better days, but give me off a chance and I can still misbehave. One foot in the grave. One foot in the grave. One foot in the grave.
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