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04:37There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.
04:41I expect.
04:43Be at home among the cobwebs.
04:54Money spider, look.
05:07You just can't do it, can you?
05:17What?
05:18You can't stay settled for one minute.
05:22It's completely beyond you.
05:24I can settle, don't you worry about that.
05:26I can settle any time I want to.
05:32Ow!
05:37For God's sake!
05:43Why don't you go for the easy option
05:45and use a giant wrecking ball
05:47and have the entire building raised to the ground in seconds.
05:52What sort of table's that anyway?
05:54That's not joined on to the legs.
05:56Really well asking for trouble, that is.
06:07To be continued...
06:12Oh, my God.
07:42Just sit down.
08:12Do you have to?
08:19See that, how much dust there is in these cushions? Look at that!
08:23I'll come over there to see how much dust there is in your ears in a minute. Just give it a rest.
08:30I wonder when this place had a good spring clean. V.E. Day.
08:37Still, not much point in dusting when you think about it. Only just settles again everywhere five minutes later.
08:47All you're ever doing is rearranging it in actual fact. Do you know what dust is?
08:52Yes.
08:53Old bits of human skin. Mostly. Just millions and millions of bits of all the people who waited in this waiting room.
09:02I mean, no saying who this is in my finger now.
09:08Sir Stafford Cripps. Incredible to think that, isn't it?
09:14Oh. Oh. I don't believe it!
09:29Oh. Oh. Oh. I don't believe it!
09:44Spare us. Look at that! That bird mess in the window!
09:48What about it?
09:49It's on the inside!
09:56I've got it all over my nose!
09:59It's a ruddy death trap, this place!
10:03Oh. Oh. What is it?
10:18Just hold, hold still a minute. Just leave it. Leave it.
10:21Will you?
10:24How did I get there in the name of sanity?
10:26On the inside of you, please. I just give up.
10:29I don't know.
10:31A pigeon maybe flew in when the window was open. Will you keep still?
10:39Now.
10:43Any more?
10:44You sure you haven't got horse manure or anything down the back of your shirt?
10:48It's worse than taking your child out for the day.
10:50I don't know why I don't put you on reins.
10:56Hey!
10:57You!
10:58Yes, you!
10:59Excuse me!
11:00It's just a...
11:01It's just a...
11:02That happens to be my bloody car when you finish a line that dr urinate all down the side of it.
11:17Anyway.
11:18I think you...
11:19You hear what he said?
11:20You need a wash anyway.
11:22Where are those cakes?
11:23Get out of there, you little bastard!
11:24I'm a good man to have you prosecuted for willful damage to property. See what you have to say about that!
11:41You don't have to say anything until you've consulted a solicitor.
11:44Who the hell asked you? You keep your nose out of this.
11:48Is this gentleman subjecting you to unreasonable public harassment, sir?
11:52Yeah, he is the subject of my job as well.
11:54In which case, my advice to you would be to seek professional representation without delay.
11:59Oh, would it indeed!
12:01Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor too when I see him, so don't you worry at that score, matey!
12:07No, no, no.
12:08And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower!
12:10All finished now?
12:17The bloody naked vandalism in the streets!
12:22No-one gives a damn any...
12:40Well, a bit of the
15:35Listen to that.
15:46How thin these walls are.
15:48Must be where they divided up the original room.
15:52Listen to that.
15:52That's wafer thin.
15:53Yes.
15:54I can hear.
15:56Lean back suddenly.
15:57Someone could put their head right through that.
15:59I'll bear that in mind.
16:14Fish fingers have thawed out now.
16:16I'll bear that.
16:17I'll bear that.
16:46I can never look at one of these without thinking about...
17:04I know what you're going to say, so don't say it.
17:12I was just going to say about Mr Dick...
17:14I know!
17:16...by Mr Dibley, who lived down in Wingate Crescent.
17:23It was the talk of the whole street, that was.
17:26Do you remember when his wife came back that day...
17:29...and found he stuck one of these little...
17:31Yes!
17:34Don't think I want to be reminded of the sordid details, thank you.
17:40Things people do for pleasure.
17:42Never forget the look on his face when they carried him out to the ambulance.
17:50As if he'd just been hypnotised.
17:54Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, putting a light bulb in.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:58LAUGHTER
18:10OK, of course.
18:12LAUGHTER
20:45Do you want to go?
21:03I'm sorry to have kept you both.
21:24Oh, that's a relief.
21:52I'm still alive.
21:54I'm still alive.
21:56I'm still alive.
21:58Why is it that everyone else who comes in here only has to wait for ten seconds, then they're in?
22:02Not us.
22:04I'm surprised.
22:06I'm surprised if he isn't up there anymore.
22:08Probably left half an hour ago to go play golf with various chief constables.
22:12Like that time I sat all afternoon waiting to see a throat specialist and found out he was at a cocktail party in Bury St Edmunds.
22:20I'm still alive.
22:21I'm still alive.
22:22I'm still alive.
22:24I'm still alive.
22:26God's sake, I'm still alive.
22:28I'm still alive.
22:30I'm still alive.
22:32Mr. Mangrove asked me to give you this.
22:34Mr...
22:35What's this?
22:36Dear Mr. Mangrove, just to confirm that I have today received instructions to act on behalf of Mr. G. W. Skinner of 45 Ogden Street, who is filing a claim for damages in connection with an alleged assault carried out by yourself upon his pit bull terrier, Horace, this afternoon, with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue.
23:04And a salt with a coconut meringue?
23:08It wasn't even stale.
23:10I have never in all my life heard of anything so patently ludic-
23:16Well, I'm going straight up there.
23:18I'm not going to have this.
23:19Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake.
23:22We'll mention it to ours when we go in.
23:25Just don't make things worse than they already are.
23:29Sorry, I came here this afternoon. I am straight.
23:38I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you, sitting here afternoon waiting to make out a will.
23:43I can only think of one thing worse than dying.
23:50And that's living forever.
23:53I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be if I was just always here, forever and ever and ever?
24:06Yes.
24:13Don't know what it's all about when it comes down to it.
24:20Whether you're just here one minute and gone the next like God rearranging the dust.
24:25I've got no way of knowing.
24:28Anyway, I don't see the point of wills.
24:33Not in our case.
24:34Shared everything over all these years is purely a formality after all said and done.
24:43Thirty-seven years ago, this week as it happens.
24:47Since what?
24:49Since the first time we shared something.
24:52What?
24:55Our bodies.
24:57You remember?
24:59Peggy Hawksworth's engagement party in Glendale Gardens.
25:03I can still remember the first moment I walked into that room
25:08and saw this dashing, handsome young man standing over by the record player
25:13with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair.
25:18Couldn't look at anybody else all night.
25:21Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced, just smiling across the room like an idiot.
25:28And then just after midnight, you remember, there was a power cut.
25:32We'd all had far too much to drink.
25:35And I just seized my chance.
25:37Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand and dragged you out into the garden.
25:42And I remember it took you a hell of a time to get going.
25:47You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour twiddling a dead wasp.
25:53And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it.
26:10And then we got up out of the lupins, dusted ourselves down and went back inside.
26:19And when the lights came back on again, I remember, I just stood and looked at you
26:25and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person.
26:29Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick, wavy golden hair, was just leaving with that girl who worked in the hat factory.
26:42Anyway, got us started off together and that was that.
26:48Funny though, isn't it?
26:50Now, it's hardly ever your first choice that you eventually end up with.
26:55Or even your second or third.
26:59All the ones you think you fancy the most.
27:01None of them are right for you, probably, in the end.
27:07Yes.
27:09Oh, well, I mean, look at you ending up with me.
27:14When there were girls like Olive Reynolds, Hazel Warner, Jennifer Davey and that sister of hers.
27:24They were a pretty little pair.
27:29You were always my first choice.
27:34Was I?
27:39You've never said that before?
27:42No, well...
27:47I suppose there's lots of things you never say.
27:51That you think about saying and something always crops up.
27:56Life goes on.
27:58Somehow you never quite get round to putting it into words.
28:11They say I might as well face the truth.
28:26But I am just too wrong in the tooth.
28:30I started to deteriorate.
28:33And now I've passed my own sell by date.
28:36Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true.
28:40I have to pop my teeth into tube.
28:43And my old knees have started to knock.
28:47I've just got too many miles on the clock.
28:50So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways.
28:54It's true that my body has seen better days.
28:58But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave.
29:01Not any problems can take.
29:04You're right, all good.
29:08You're right, all good.
29:11So now I'm coming.
29:13I'm coming.
29:16I'm coming.
29:21I'm coming.
29:23Now we have to go.
29:25Number two.
