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00:00They Say
00:30As I said, Mrs. Meldrew swore me to complete secrecy over the entire episode.
00:40I mean, there are some things too personal and too upsetting to be just blethered all around the houses as I do gossip.
00:48Well, as far as anyone could tell, the roots of it all started one morning last June.
00:55A few of us were around having a bit of a chinwag of a coffee, and somehow or other, the subject had drifted onto weird dreams and nightmares.
01:06Exactly.
01:06And then, it must be for this last month now, I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and it's always the same thing I've been dreaming.
01:20I'm locked in a prison cell, waiting to be hanged for battering to death a balding old man with white hair.
01:33Go on.
01:34And then, at the last minute, they grant me a special reprieve on the grounds of justifiable homicide.
01:43But the strange thing is, I don't want to leave the prison.
01:50I want to stay where I am.
01:52I kill him.
01:57I keep hanging on to the cell door, just clinging to the bars, kicking and screaming and yelling that I want to stay where I am.
02:06What does it mean?
02:09Oh, shh!
02:11That must be him.
02:13He only had to go to Sainsbury's and pick up his shoes from the menders.
02:17I'd see what he has to moan about.
02:19Unbelievable!
02:21I'm suddenly...
02:22Oh, good morning, ladies.
02:23Can you believe that?
02:25They've lost the left shoe!
02:28Lost it!
02:29And you know what he did there to...
02:31He said he'd only charge me half price.
02:33He said he couldn't say any fairer than that.
02:37Can you believe...
02:38Now, they haven't heard the last of that.
02:41And I hope they don't think they have.
02:47Sorry?
02:50No, can't be.
02:52You didn't get that hideous Newell Edmonds sweater, then, after all.
02:56You know, to my size, I'm picking one up Thursday.
02:59You're seriously going to buy one, are you?
03:02I am, yes.
03:03What's this for?
03:08What's it for?
03:08I'm picking my nose with.
03:11What do you think it's for?
03:13Going to nail up that fence panel this morning,
03:15stop him next door waltzing into our garden every five minutes.
03:18Oh, yes, by the way, I forgot to tell you.
03:20He's getting some pigeons.
03:23Pigeons?
03:24Oh, you must be joking.
03:26That's all we need.
03:28Precision bombing raids all over the bloody room.
03:32When did he tell you this?
03:33This morning.
03:35He's invited us round there later.
03:37I think he's rather keen to show them off.
03:40This isn't the kind of mustard I buy.
03:42How many times do I have to tell you to pack freshly baked bread on the top?
03:55I'll have to take a bicycle pump for that now.
03:59Did you get my tights?
04:00They're in there somewhere.
04:09These are stockings.
04:10And they're blue.
04:12Don't you look at anything before you buy it?
04:14Sure, it's said tights.
04:16Thick blue stockings.
04:17That's how you see me, is it?
04:21Well, they might come in handy.
04:23What for?
04:24Insulating a pair of electric eels?
04:27You can just take those straight back and change them.
04:29I'm not going back to face all those giggly girlies on the till
04:32and look a complete idiot.
04:34You are a complete idiot.
04:36Galloping up and down the hours like Ben-Hur.
04:39Slinging any old thing into the trolley.
04:41You haven't got the brains you were born with sometimes.
04:45Oh, right.
04:47Thank you very much.
04:50Thank you, Margaret.
04:54Now, for once, it's Margaret who's starting to get on Victor's nerves.
04:59All over nothing at all, the way it so often is.
05:03And as fate would have it,
05:05things were due to get steadily worse as the day wore on.
05:12Morning, Mr. Melterian.
05:14How about it?
05:16How did you...
05:17Oh, I moved it further down to save tramping your pansies.
05:20How extremely considerate of you.
05:22Now, I just popped by to give you this.
05:24Saturday at three, our annual summer fate.
05:27Now, we've got all the old favourites.
05:29Mrs. Giddy's homemade spam
05:30and Mr. Dobkin's stall of neo-fascist insignia.
05:34It's all in good news.
05:34Yes, well, unfortunately, I think I got something on this supper.
05:38And as you'll see, we've got a very famous television celebrity opening it for us.
05:42I've forgotten her name at the moment.
05:44She's in that coffee commercial.
05:45You know, the two neighbours?
05:46Will they or won't they?
05:47And yes, we persuaded her to sell kisses at 50p a time.
05:51So, uh, that should be a bit of fun.
05:53She's quite a glamorous lady, I believe.
05:56Yes, I believe, um...
05:58Anyway, I better dash, I've got my pigeons being delivered today
06:00and, uh, I hope you're going to pop round later.
06:02I'm sure you'll want to give your opinion on them.
06:04Yes, I'm sure I will.
06:13Okey-dokey, so that's Mr. Sweeney 259,
06:16Mrs. Meldrew 236,
06:19and Mr. Meldrew 12.
06:22Would you like another game?
06:23I imagine he's probably past his bedtime by now, actually, Mr. Green.
06:28I must say, that was very bad luck he had there.
06:31I don't think I've ever seen anyone pick up seven E's at once before.
06:34It's a record.
06:37Oh, incidentally, Mr. Meldrew,
06:39I meant to warn you, don't use the white hand towel in there.
06:42I've got a contagious skin disease
06:44that erupts all down the backs of the arms and legs.
06:47And it's not a lot of fun, unfortunately.
06:51Now,
06:51anyone fancy a game of charades at all?
06:54Oh, well,
06:55to be honest,
06:56I think it's time we are getting back.
06:59Thanks for the save.
06:59It's nearly quarter five.
07:00Oh, shush.
07:01Just a minute, if you would, please.
07:02I think Mother's woken up by the sound of things.
07:04I think she wants something.
07:05That was two clumps with her walking stick,
07:13two rings on the bell,
07:14two hoots on the horn,
07:15and one whistle.
07:16Right, where's the code book?
07:18Clump, clump,
07:19ding, ding,
07:19honk,
07:20honk,
07:20peep.
07:21Help, I'm being attacked by two masked gunmen with blunt objects.
07:31I don't think that can be a deal.
07:33Oh, no,
07:33she probably means clump,
07:34clump,
07:35ding,
07:35ding,
07:35peep,
07:36peep,
07:36honk,
07:36please bring me up a digestive biscuit.
07:38Right,
07:39I'll be back in just two shakes of a lamb's tail with you.
07:41Well,
07:41actually,
07:42now might be as good a moment as any for us to wend our way,
07:45actually.
07:46Are you sure?
07:47Oh,
07:47well,
07:47it's been a treat having you and we must do it again soon.
07:50Yes,
07:51we will.
07:52You come to us,
07:53it'll be fun.
07:54Oh,
07:54thanks,
07:54yes,
07:55that would be nice.
07:56Now,
07:56are you sure you don't want to take a pigeon back with you?
07:59They're nice cold.
08:01Uh,
08:01thanks,
08:02I think I've eaten enough for one night.
08:04So,
08:04good night then.
08:05Good night then,
08:06and bye,
08:06Mrs Maldrew.
08:07Bye,
08:08and thanks for everything.
08:11Ah,
08:11ah,
08:12BEEP,
08:12BEEP,
08:13BEEP,
08:13BEEP,
08:14Right you are,
08:17but don't aggravate it.
08:18It probably just needs a poultice.
08:20I'll go and put a flannel in the sandwich toaster.
08:39The Boston Strangler.
08:42Good night.
08:42That was an easy one,
08:45I'm afraid.
08:46Oh,
08:46do you mind if I go and pop a drop more ice in here?
08:48Help yourself.
08:52Thank you very much for that.
08:55Why don't you just mind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre
08:57and put us all out of our misery?
09:00When you said he could come round here next time,
09:03I didn't expect it to be 15 minutes later.
09:07Two bloody hours he's been here.
09:08Now you will tell me if I'm keeping either of you up.
09:14Yes,
09:14that was a good film,
09:15The Boston Strangler,
09:16yeah.
09:16Do you ever see it,
09:17Tony Curtis?
09:18Oh,
09:19I think we saw it in London.
09:20I think that's the one where he was sexually molested by a monkey.
09:24Was he?
09:25I don't remember that.
09:26Not Tony Curtis,
09:28Victor.
09:28Victor.
09:28As we were standing in the queue outside,
09:36you know those buskers with a monkey that holds out the cap for the money?
09:40Well,
09:41it leapt on Victor like a thing possessed.
09:45It took three buckets of water before they could drag it off.
09:51Remember?
09:52I'm hardly likely to forget it,
09:57am I?
09:59And I think we can spare Mr. Sweeney all the lurid details,
10:02if you don't mind.
10:03Put him anywhere near a monkey,
10:06and they go wild with excitement.
10:10Chimpanzees,
10:11orangutans,
10:12the lot.
10:13We never have fathomed out why they find him so erotic.
10:17I did think of writing to Desmond Morris.
10:18Right.
10:21Now I know,
10:22don't I?
10:23Know what?
10:24Why are those biddies we're laughing this morning when I peeled that banana?
10:29It's so nice to know that every embarrassing detail of my life has been broadcast to the world by those closest to me.
10:35Victor Meldrow,
10:36the complete idiot.
10:38He's always good for a laugh.
10:39Just ask his wife.
10:48Where have you been?
10:54Up since the crack of dawn.
10:56Thought I'd be at the rush at a supermarket for once.
10:58One pair of tights.
11:03Where's the, er,
11:04street map?
11:06It should be there,
11:07in that drawer.
11:09I've just spoken to mum.
11:11She says she's read somewhere,
11:12the world's coming to an end Saturday morning,
11:14and do we want to buy her electric kettle?
11:16I think I'd better go up there Saturday afternoon,
11:21have a quiet word.
11:22If you don't mind being left on your own,
11:24you could always go to Mr. Swainey's fate.
11:27What fate's that?
11:28He said they're going to have that, er,
11:30coffee commercial girl there this year.
11:33You know,
11:34that glamorous blonde with the pouting lips
11:36you're always moaning about.
11:39Really?
11:39Huh?
11:40Well, I suppose I'd better go along,
11:44or I'll never hear the last of it.
11:47What are you looking up?
11:49I saw a card in the wall in Sainsbury's
11:51advertising a pair of black shoes.
11:54See what they're like at any rate?
11:56Magwitch Crescent.
11:58Right.
11:59Then I came up to town
12:00to buy that Noel Edmonds sweater.
12:02I see.
12:06Just to be obstinate,
12:08you're going to pollute the environment
12:10with that eyesore, are you?
12:12Off a knitting pattern from hell.
12:15It's a wonder the girls who handle them
12:17aren't given safety goggles.
12:20You wear what you want, Margaret.
12:22I'll wear what I want.
12:24Yes?
12:36Ah, hello.
12:37I believe you've got a pair of black shoes for sale.
12:40Oh, yes.
12:41Please, come in, won't you?
12:49That was very quick.
12:51I only phoned the details through an hour ago.
12:53Well, I just lost a perfectly good pair myself
12:56at the shoe mentors.
12:57Um, you say they're almost new?
13:00Oh, brand new.
13:01They're just about a week old.
13:03You see, I'm afraid my husband's just died
13:07and, well, I shan't have any use for them, obviously, sir.
13:10Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
13:12You'd like to come through and try them on?
13:13Thank you very much.
13:23Yes, it's been a bit sudden and upsetting, of course,
13:27but, well, you'd have to fuck up the courage, don't you?
13:31Oh, I'm sorry.
13:33I mean, that's what he was always drumming into me,
13:35and I'm sure that's what he'd have wanted.
13:41Uh, eight and a half.
13:42That was your size, wasn't it?
13:44Yes, yes.
13:52Yes.
13:52I don't know.
14:22I don't know.
14:52I don't know.
15:22I don't know.
15:52I don't know.
15:59Evening, Mr. Meldrew.
16:09I can't stay long.
16:10Right you are. Bye.
16:11Bye.
16:12Bye.
16:14Margaret did say she wanted to borrow this recipe book.
16:26Oh, you better come and wait for her.
16:28She's not back from work yet.
16:30Oh, are you okay?
16:32What is that?
16:33I have the faintest idea.
16:35Ask her.
16:36She's probably recording a news night interview with Peter Snow about how much I snore in bed.
16:40Unusual for her to be this late.
16:45Perhaps I'll give the shop a ring, see if she's still there.
16:48Perhaps she's planning to sell me off to a circus.
16:50It seems that's all I'm fit for these days.
16:53Marriage.
16:54I can see why people don't bother with it any more.
16:57Yes, I agree to take this man for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do his part when I get a good price for his shoes.
17:05And after I go to borrow, I throw myself under a steamroll that she can use me as a hearth rug.
17:14Mr. Meldrow.
17:15You want to come to tea or something?
17:17Mr. Meldrow, I just spoke to the manageress at the florist's.
17:22She was still there doing some paperwork.
17:25She said, Margaret never turned up for work there this morning.
17:30Nobody's seen or heard anything of her all day.
17:35Naturally, it was a terrible shock.
17:38We couldn't imagine what had happened.
17:41She left the house at 8.30 as usual.
17:44When could she have got to?
17:49Well, for the next couple of hours, we were hardly off the phone, ringing everyone we could think of.
17:55Her mother, friends, relatives, neighbours.
17:59Nobody had seen or heard from her or anything.
18:02By midnight, she still hadn't come home.
18:06And naturally, by then, we had to call in the police.
18:10I volunteered to stay over in case there was anything I could do.
18:14But of course, there wasn't.
18:18Neither of us got a wink of sleep all night long.
18:21The morning came round.
18:25There was still no sign of her.
18:28And then...
18:29It must have been about half past five in the afternoon, I suppose.
18:34We got a phone call that just about scared the living daylights out of both of us.
18:39Hello?
18:40It's the police.
18:51They found Margaret's raincoat down by the canal.
18:55We fished it out and, uh...
19:05We found an old receipt in the pocket.
19:09We matched it against her access number.
19:12I'm sorry to have called you out here like this, Mr Meldrew.
19:16Yes, it's...
19:18her coat.
19:18There's nothing we can do here, Mr Meldrew.
19:25Why don't you come to my place for a bit?
19:28Try and get some rest.
19:32No, thank you, Mrs Warboys.
19:33I think, um...
19:35I'd rather be on my own for a bit, if you don't mind.
19:37Okay.
19:44Now, let's fight each down by the screen.
19:53Coming.
19:56Good.
20:07I don't know.
20:37I don't know.
21:07I don't know.
21:09I don't know.
21:11I don't know.
21:13I don't know.
21:15I don't know.
21:17I don't know.
21:19Why?
21:20Were you worried about me?
21:21Worried?
21:22Where have you been?
21:24Margate.
21:25Where?
21:26You know, up on the north coast of Kent.
21:29I know where Sodding Margate is.
21:31What the hell were you doing there?
21:33I've been police dragging rivers and curving the countryside with sniffer dogs for you.
21:40I mean, what in God's name did you think you were playing at?
21:45Come to bed.
21:46What?
21:47Come to bed.
21:48What?
21:49Come to bed.
21:50What happened?
21:52Are you all right or what?
21:54Of course I'm all right.
21:55I just needed to escape for a bit.
21:57You know how you do sometimes.
21:59It was a complete spur-of-the-moment thing.
22:00I was walking past that office yesterday morning, the one that does all the coach tours, and I saw a sign.
22:18Two days in Margate.
22:21So I just got on it and went.
22:24I did think of ringing you when I got there, but that would have defeated the whole object.
22:30Defeated what object?
22:33We went there for our third anniversary.
22:37Do you remember?
22:39And you took me to that huge funfair place, Dreamland, where I had a couple of excited children.
22:47We got stuck in the hall of mirrors for over an hour.
22:50The man had to come in and get us.
22:53And you said you didn't mind.
22:55You were happy to stay there and look at all the reflections of me.
23:00Did I?
23:06Funny how the sea can stir up memories.
23:11Because that's when I remembered it.
23:14Sitting there on the front yesterday afternoon.
23:18Suddenly it all came back to me.
23:22And suddenly I understood it.
23:26You know, that nightmare.
23:29What all came back to you?
23:33When I was five years old, we had two budgies that I always felt sorry for, locked up all the while in the same cage.
23:46And one day I tried to let them out for a fly around the room.
23:53But one of them wouldn't come.
23:57And I got hold of its wing and tried to tug it, but it just kept clinging onto the bars and squawking and just refused to come out of the cage.
24:08The other one flew straight out like a rocket, straight across the room, crashed into the window and killed itself.
24:20The next day at school, we were asked to write a story about something that had happened to us.
24:26And I wrote my story about the budgies.
24:30And the teacher, Mr Phillips, made me read it out loud in front of the whole class.
24:40And everyone laughed.
24:44And I knew he'd done it deliberately.
24:48Just to be cruel to me.
24:51Because basically he was a bastard.
24:55And he was bald with white hair.
25:02And I remember thinking, even at that age, how much I wanted to batter him to death.
25:11And the next day, when Mum tried to take me to school, I refused to go.
25:18And she kept smacking me and trying to drag me out and I kept hanging onto the front door.
25:24Screaming and kicking.
25:28Because now I knew how horrible everything was out there.
25:33And I knew why the other budgie hadn't wanted to leave the cage.
25:39Because I suppose he knew he was better off where he was.
25:45But they found you a green raincoat by the canal.
25:52Did they?
25:54What do you mean, did they? How did they get there?
25:58I haven't worn that coat for two years.
26:01And last week I gave it away to a jumble sale.
26:04You never did notice anything I was wearing.
26:08Well, night-night.
26:15Night.
26:20Tomorrow afternoon, at the Fete, when you go up to that girl for your kiss, have a couple
26:26on me.
26:40couple on me okay ladies and gentlemen the big moment now the lovely actress and star of all
26:54those famous coffee commercials couldn't make it after all i'm afraid today due to a mix-up over
27:00her booking dates but at very short notice we're thrilled to welcome another young lady just as
27:06famous i think from a tea commercial so i'm sure you'll give her a very warm welcome as i introduce
27:13this sorry um i guess she was here a minute ago i don't know where she wanted to lift
27:21oh um
27:33and i gather it took three buckets of water before they could grab her off
27:56i'd better dash as i say i'd rather all this didn't go any further if you would
28:10because a lot of it was told to me in the strictest confidence so
28:15all the best to you both then
28:18bye bye bye
28:21nice woman yes i wonder who she was
28:27they say i might as well face the truth but i am just too long in the two i started to deteriorate
28:42and now i've passed my own sell by date oh i am no spring chicken it's true i have to pop my teeth into
28:52my old knees have started to knock i've just got too many miles on the clock so i'm a wrinkly crinkly set in my ways it's true that my body has seen better days but give me off a chance and i can still misbehave
29:11i am mine
29:20i am
29:23i am
29:27u
29:29u
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