- 2 days ago
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00:01They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:08So I'm an OAP at weak need, but I've not yet quite gone to sea.
00:15I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
01:00Have you nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write.
01:06Hey, listen to this. It's from Mr Hithercroft.
01:11You know, that old bloke with the monocle?
01:14It says, thank you so much for showing me round your house last Thursday.
01:18It is a truly delightful property, and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely.
01:26I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera,
01:32as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude.
01:36A wide collection of World War II gas masks, which, if you are agreeable, we...
01:47Oh, dear. I think I feel sick.
01:53Hmm. Sounds quite promising, then.
01:55Is that right? I beg your pardon?
01:58Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably. You never know. It might be serious.
02:02We are desperate.
02:03We're not that bloody desperate.
02:06In any case, it's addressed to you.
02:10What?
02:11What's that?
02:12A diary you're starting up now?
02:14Um, yeah. Just finished.
02:16There you are. All yours.
02:18Rub each other's thighs with swarf figure.
02:32Welcome back to suburbia.
02:38There.
02:40Put these new lampposts up at last, I see.
02:43Are your feet still burning?
02:45Burning?
02:46You have to say, I'm going to put a toaster when I get in to cool them down.
02:51Pisters are bursting all over now. I can feel them.
02:55I think it's safe to say I won't be doing much tap dancing over the next few weeks.
03:01Oh, look at that!
03:10You know who this is, don't you?
03:12That new mob has moved into number ten.
03:14Little duckers.
03:17I'll wing their necks with a...
03:18There they are now.
03:21Oh, you!
03:23What's this?
03:24My bloody front garden dumping up a street bridge now, is it?
03:28If you ask nicely, I'll stick up a sight screen in the dining room for you.
03:32Why don't you sort off down a sewer?
03:34Don't you tell me you're sort off down a sewer, you cocky little tyke?
03:39Five seconds we've been back.
03:42I don't want to tell you that about you.
03:44Yeah, what's he going to do about it?
03:46You're soon fine there.
03:47He hates your guts.
03:49Yeah.
03:49Well, you can tell it from me that the killing is mutual.
03:52Ah, you're a Miss Mulgut.
03:54Ah, you're a Miss Mulgut.
03:56Miss Mulgut, Miss Mulgut, Miss Mulgut.
04:02You were your fastest thing about when I finished covering you around the ears with that ticket bad.
04:11Cheeky little bastards.
04:13someone's been at these grapes there was 24 here when we left the last time I let him come around
04:34to feed the fish and I bet you anything you'd like he spat the pips out as well
04:38there's one there look and there's another one
04:45hello you both have a nice time bit of a heat wave down that way wasn't that by all accounts yes I'm
05:03afraid Victor came a bit of a cropper with his feet left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep
05:08and burnt the soles like I can't tell been shuffling around like to lose low trek now for five days
05:22oh dear where exactly did this happen then oh while they were on the beach luckily there was
05:30another chap there from the same hotel who very kindly dragged him back to the car otherwise I
05:35don't know what we would have done oh no I'm it should be yes there we are look he looks nice yes
05:50he was his name's Ben he lives in North London yes he was a lot of fun well anyway I think your fish
06:04are all present and correct none of them coughing up blood or anything your mail's all in the kitchen
06:10so uh I better scoot oh all right I'll see you later I expect yes and thanks for everything
06:15the edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold next time I get something to kneel on
06:28four two nine one yes what yes I did and I'll bloody well shout at them again and you see what
06:51they've done to my window I don't care you should bring them up better bloody family of jobs never
07:03done a day's work since he moved in either comes to that I think Mrs. Ellsbury said he was a painter or
07:09something got a job with the brewery what as a piss-up tell with it yes it's really wonderful to be home
07:39what's all that racket out there in the night
08:08people dying about in giggling did you hear it I didn't hear anything and how long do we have to
08:16put up with this vile object up here it's like something out of Lord of the Flies what's the
08:25matter with it I thought it was rather unusual you're unusual strange isn't it I mean other people bring
08:31back sticks of rock or seashells but no you've been in that mood ever since we got back last week
08:37well this can't last forever you know you bring the milk in four two nine one oh hello
09:01what a lovely surprise
09:08don't be
09:16and you you suck piece bloody vandals
09:38how is it it's a cake yes thank you I can see it's a cake didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's
09:51underpants what was it doing on our front doorstep Mr. Arnold Larkspur 17 Rivers Bank oh yes we had a
10:00letter for him the other day that's that new block of old people's flats up near the park you can't
10:06wonder people keep getting mixed up why they're completely different I mean we're riverbank they're
10:11rivers bank one's got an apostrophe yes
10:14there isn't dribble all over it take him out for his walk or something
10:19you've been dribbling a lot lately haven't you
10:22perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key in Mr. Meldrew's back garden the
10:28other week hmm would surprise me if you hadn't trained him to do that
10:32poor man hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight
10:38yes it is a shame isn't it still never mind I'm sure it'll work its way through
10:43in the fullness of time won't it Denzel evil pathologically evil
10:51ah Mr. Meldrew the very man I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all
11:01I'm sure if he has it'll be in here I made a point of saving them all up for you while
11:07you're away
11:09I'm very thoughtful of you yes and Pippa said to give you these marigold rubber gloves
11:16I think they're the right size anything else you might require pair of tweezers or
11:23thank you I think I could manage good I'll leave you to it then happy hunting Mr. Meldrew
11:32thank you
11:38this looks like the
11:55Oh, my God.
12:25Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt.
12:32I think you'd better come out the front.
12:35There's a big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house.
12:40I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage.
12:44What sort of damage?
12:55I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes.
13:02I've got that complimented Danny a mask in here somewhere.
13:07Bloody milk tanker.
13:10I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake?
13:14I've got to be suing that day for every penny they've got, I can tell you that.
13:18Oh, God.
13:22There must be something better in life than this.
13:25It's not my fault if people treat our estate like a skelextric track.
13:29I'd have put a pair of trousers over it and it'd probably burn a hole in this seat.
13:33Well, it's at noon and at night.
13:35If it's not one thing, it's another.
13:37Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it.
13:41Am I?
13:41What do you mean, am I?
13:49I don't know what I mean.
13:51You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you?
14:12Only they won't empty it otherwise.
14:15Yes.
14:15And, um, I may be late back tonight because, uh, I'm going to have a drink with someone.
14:23Yes, who's that?
14:25Oh, just a friend who asked me if I wanted to.
14:28Do you have to stick that thing down?
14:31Sorry, I thought I'd try changing the plug.
14:33I've tried everything else.
14:35Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight.
14:38Absolutely typical.
14:40Right, so, um, don't feel you have to wait up for anything, and I'll see you later.
14:47Right.
14:48Have a good time.
14:49Bye.
14:50Get in there, yeah.
14:53Oh.
14:55That's good.
14:56Sure.
14:58Now then.
15:00Where have you gone?
15:02I don't believe it, sir.
15:14There we are.
15:15That's the letter to the dairy, expressing my views on their tanker drivers.
15:20I hope you can read the writing.
15:21I'll get a bit carried away once I got started.
15:23Now, that all seems fine.
15:25Get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer, it'll carry a lot more weight.
15:29You off out now, then?
15:30Yeah, yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy,
15:33so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match,
15:35since the telly's conked out.
15:37All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow, then.
15:39Right, that's great.
15:39Thanks very much.
15:40Bye.
15:41Bye.
15:41Bye.
15:41Bye.
16:00Bye.
16:12Bye.
16:13Bye.
16:22Bye.
16:22Bye.
16:22Bye.
16:22There we are, my lover.
16:32A bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we?
16:36Yes, got ourselves into a right, old people.
16:3919 Rivers Bank, this is definitely the one.
16:42Hello? Anybody home?
16:45Mr Stavaker, we brought your wife back from the hospital.
16:49Perhaps she's in the garden or something.
16:52She's still very sedated. I think we should put her straight to bed.
16:57This way, that's it.
17:01And that's it.
17:03Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh?
17:06No mistake.
17:34Margaret.
17:35Hello, then.
17:36You're looking radiant.
17:38Oh, I don't feel it.
17:41This past week has been one long horror story.
17:48I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all.
17:51The holiday and you.
17:53Oh, waiter.
17:54Sir, this isn't properly chilled.
17:56Would you bring us another, please?
17:57Certainly, sir.
17:59I would think there's nothing worse than warm champagne.
18:03Especially tonight.
18:04It's good to see you again.
18:19Five-none.
18:22Wish I'd stayed here and read a bloody book.
18:25I'd rather have to take a hammer and smash that dull bit.
18:54And I've just about had enough of it.
19:17Are you awake?
19:19Did you have a nice time tonight?
19:24And by now, he's virtually at war with every neighbour on the estate.
19:34Talk about never a dull moment.
19:35I know.
19:36He's just frightful, isn't he?
19:39I don't know why you should have to put up with it.
19:42Costa Rican or Colombia?
19:44What do you mean?
19:46Colombia.
19:46Well, 35 years saddled to that.
19:54He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers in the Chamber of Horrors.
19:59Is it the brides in the bath, chap?
20:02Mind you, married to him, most women will be leaping headfirst into the acid.
20:06How you've stuck it all these years, I find quite astonishing.
20:12Someone as warm and sensitive.
20:19It's never too late, Margaret.
20:21Even at our time of life, to change direction.
20:24What was that for?
20:44Just kissing you goodbye, Ben.
20:46Good...
20:47What do you mean?
20:49It's like Christmas presents, isn't it?
20:52They always look so exciting and full of promise, sitting there under the Christmas tree.
20:57And then once you've opened them, all the mystery's gone.
21:01It'd be much better to leave them as they are with their wrapping paper on.
21:04That way, you'll never be disappointed.
21:07And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on.
21:12Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected, and I couldn't bear that to happen.
21:17But how can you say that?
21:19If you don't reject me, I would never reject you.
21:22I meant one of the three of us.
21:25You talk about being sensitive.
21:28I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble.
21:31He's the most sensitive person I've ever met.
21:35And that's why I love him, and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen.
21:42I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben.
21:45And now I'm going.
21:46Margaret, do you...
21:47Oh, do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?
21:51No.
21:53No.
21:55I really don't think you do.
21:57Oh, who the hell's that at this hour?
22:19All right, I'll go.
22:21All right, all right, all right, keep your shirt on.
22:48What were you doing, leaving the cat show?
22:57I don't expect you to get back in.
23:07Sorry, I'm later than I said.
23:09I suppose you were starting to worry where I got to.
23:22Well...
23:22It's a bit of a story that I might as well come clean and tell you.
23:29No, no, no.
23:30Wow, no.
23:42All right.
24:12Who is she?
24:19Have you... have you been...
24:25You haven't been sleeping with this.
24:28Who is she?
24:30I thought it was you.
24:36Thank you very much.
24:42Where did she come from?
24:45And what on earth is she doing?
24:46And why the bloody hell am I whispering?
24:49This is my bedroom.
24:52This is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?
24:54To come home and find your husband has taken up necrophilia.
25:01Excuse me.
25:02Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here?
25:05No, no, no.
25:10It's all right.
25:11Calm down.
25:12No one's going to harm you.
25:15Shh.
25:17It's all right.
25:18It's all...
25:19Oh, my God.
25:23This is absolutely macabre.
25:26What is?
25:28Well, it's hard to make out exactly without my lenses,
25:31but there appears to be some sort of wild creature
25:34crawling out onto that home.
25:36It's all wrinkled and horrible.
25:39It's like something out of that Ken Russell movie,
25:42The Lair of the White Worm.
25:44I need a tissue.
25:47Oh, hang on.
25:47Mel Dew's come to the window now.
25:50I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit.
25:54My God.
25:55I have a shrewd idea.
25:56It's a woman.
25:58What is this, Patrick?
26:02You've had this all along, haven't you?
26:06You've deliberately made him keep searching
26:08through all those disgusting...
26:10I don't believe you.
26:12How long has this been in here?
26:15Oh, um...
26:16Um...
26:18He coughed it up.
26:20Oh, it must have been...
26:22Um, a few minutes after he swallowed it.
26:24Um, just...
26:26I was going to give it back.
26:33Eventually.
26:36So, there we are.
26:38Sorry about all the to-do over it,
26:41but, um...
26:42Dogs will be dogs, I suppose.
26:45Well, thank you.
26:47That's just the job, isn't it?
26:50That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it?
26:53To get it back for you
26:54and clean it up and everything.
26:58Hmm?
27:01Oh, yes.
27:02Thank you very much.
27:13So, all's well again, I hope.
27:16I hope so.
27:17Oh, your letter.
27:18I've only just printed it up,
27:20so I haven't had time to check it through,
27:22but I don't think there'll be any mistakes.
27:23Thanks very much.
27:25Thanks very much for the coffee.
27:27Oh, a pleasure.
27:28Bye, then.
27:28Bye-bye, Tiffa.
27:29Uh, yeah.
27:37Well, that seemed to go quite well.
27:39Perhaps now at last we could resume
27:41normal neighbourly relations.
27:43Hmm.
27:45What was that letter you said you typed up for him?
27:47Oh, just a letter to the dairy
27:49about compensation for that milk tanker
27:51going into his lamppost.
27:53It was only a couple of pages.
27:55You didn't mind, did you?
27:57Dairy?
28:01Oh, my God, no.
28:04You...
28:05You didn't name the file
28:06dairy.
28:08Why?
28:08What was wrong with that?
28:10What's the matter now?
28:12What's happened?
28:16Oh, no.
28:16I'm rather afraid you did.
28:28They say I might as well face the truth
28:31But I am just too wrong in the tooth
28:34I started to deteriorate
28:38And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:41Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:45I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:48And my old knees have started to knock
28:51I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:55So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
28:58Set in my ways
29:00It's true that my body has seen better days
29:03But give me off a chance
29:05And I can still misbehave
29:07One foot in the grave
29:09One foot in the grave
29:13One foot in the grave
29:16Thank you
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