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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:07So I'm an OAP at weak need, but I have not yet quite gone to sea.
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fading away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
01:00Lapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
01:15Hello, Margaret. This is your mum speaking. I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's
01:43because I'm somewhere else. I say I'm somewhere else. But I expect you'll both be up here
01:51soon, won't you? The pair of you. So I'll see you then. Hello? Hello, Mum. It's Wednesday
02:03about six o'clock. I'm just ringing to say that, all being well, we'll be up there Sunday
02:08afternoon, about three. But I'll speak to you soon. Bye-bye.
02:27Any luck? How did it go? Yes, very well, surprisingly. You see, the wild man of Borneo's had another
02:34good day in the garden. It's quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate. Well, who got
02:39him in? Not me. There was no necessity for it in the first place. There's every necessity
02:44with that bloody tree next door sucking all the moisture out of our garden like an elephant's
02:48trunk. Get his roots chopped off on our side, we might be able to grow something out there
02:54again. He's charged me for one guppy too many here. I know, I tell a lie, he hasn't. So,
03:01how did you get all at the Herald offices? Did you get that job on the packing bench or what?
03:06They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow and say I'd be sure I'd be in between
03:11nine and one. Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, isn't it? I hope you're going to have the decency
03:17to take the dead ones out first this time. Yes, I am. Where's the tea strainer?
03:32Good grief. That's 127 of those things you've managed to kill off now. I've never known
03:53anything like it since biblical times. You've flattened 12 in one go when you dropped that rock
03:59in the tank. It's just teething troubles, that's all. I think I know what I'm doing wrong
04:04now. Fish have a better life expectancy in the co-op freezer than they do in that thing.
04:11Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time as half the bloody things
04:16come floating back up again? Yes.
04:20Anyway, everything's under control now. I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this
04:42airfloor and they'll be fine. By the way, I couldn't mind this afternoon. She's believed
04:48to get the hang of that answering machine more now. I don't really know why you got one for her
04:52in the first place. You know she never goes far. She might go a bit further if she stopped growing
04:56runner beans up a Zimmer frame. I said we'd pop up there Sunday afternoon.
05:03You can bat her by the minute. Went over there the other week. She was slicing wax fruit onto her old brand.
05:10Says it keeps her regular. Keeps her regular? So does a stick of dynamite up your...
05:16I can hear them talking next door. Where's that glass?
05:20God spare us. Here we go again.
05:24They're talking about us. I just caught the words
05:27arsehole think he's playing at.
05:33Oh, quiet. I wonder what's happening.
05:39It's as leafy as the day is long.
05:42There's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week.
05:45Wouldn't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers.
05:48Am I going to get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what?
05:52Hmm. Well, what with that and our friend Homo erectus out the back.
05:57You never know what you're going to see there next.
05:59Homo erectus?
06:01Hmm. I imagine he must live in a cave quite nearby somewhere.
06:05Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist.
06:11I'm not quite sure why.
06:13If you're talking about that workman next door, I think he looks cute.
06:18I've never seen so much hair growing down someone's back in all my life.
06:24I've been blow-dry his bottom every morning.
06:29I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree, they'll be all hell to pay.
06:33Here you go.
06:35Come on.
06:38I wonder why he only eats cat food.
06:41Don't look at me. He's your baby substitute.
06:44What's that supposed to mean? Brought in for you?
06:48Yes.
06:50Of course you did.
06:56I wonder what the weather's going to be like, Tanya.
06:57It's not going to be sunny everywhere, but hopefully he's always dead. He shouldn't eat for the right first night.
07:04Yo!
07:06How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew? OK.
07:08Soil didn't get very far yesterday. I had a slight problem with the dehydration.
07:12Had to let it breathe, have a night, get some precipitation on your subsoil.
07:15And how is it this morning?
07:17Marv, marv, marvellous this morning. Here, look.
07:19Yielding straight away, that is. See for yourself.
07:21Yes.
07:30Let's get a bit more supple than usual.
07:32You see what I'm saying about your moisture content?
07:34Yes.
07:41Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can, Mr Meldrew.
07:44Oh, right, yes, sorry.
07:45Shoo!
07:50All right, love queen!
07:52Is it a wonderful wicked morning or what?
07:56Hello. How are you today?
07:58As ever, darling, with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear.
08:01Oh!
08:03Bet that's hard work, digging down all that way with just a shovel.
08:08I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms. Had to stop.
08:15What?
08:17What the bloody hell am I doing?
08:20I supposed to be paying you to do this, for God's sake!
08:24Just bloody well, get back in there and get on with it!
08:27Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems.
08:30I'll be right on it.
08:31We'll be right on it.
08:33I'll be right on it.
08:35We'll be right on it!
08:37It's good.
08:39That's absolutely disgusting!
08:41Is that right?
08:44I give my love to your mummy and thanks again.
08:47We'll be right on it.
08:49I give my love to your mummy and thanks again!
08:51and give my love to your mummy and thanks again now you be careful crossing the road
09:03won't you bye-bye who was that I thought you'd gone well I was just getting into
09:10the car when mrs. Aylesbury's children came running across with this so they'd
09:14brought it back to us from Westford Ho as a present bless them yes the very thing I
09:22was about to add to my Christmas present list a sack full of seaweed yes very
09:32thoughtful loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag barnacles and
09:37God knows what not in here oh hang on I think I can just see Hans and Lottie
09:41has down the bottom as well well I've got to go what time did they say they ring
09:46about that job before what but that'll only be if I've got it I'll keep my
09:50fingers crossed and I may ring you later bye-bye
10:11yo mr. Meljo
10:23oh my god
10:31quarter to bloody one ring for God's sake can't you
10:49well that's that then another one down this swanny must have needed my head
11:01examining to think they'd ring in the first place
11:04who'd I come up here for
11:17I don't believe it
11:36come on come on
11:45Three bloody cups of coffee.
11:48Why did they bring up an elastic band?
11:52Come on, you bloody...
11:53Yes, hang on, just one more second!
12:024291?
12:05What?
12:08No, they haven't.
12:11No, not yet.
12:13Tch!
12:17Will you please get off the phone in case they do?
12:20Yes, I'll talk to you later, yes.
12:22Right, bye!
12:38Here, boy.
12:40Come on. Here, boy.
12:43Here, boy.
12:46Denzel?
12:48Here, boy.
12:49There, boy.
12:54Let's go.
12:55Let's go.
12:56Here, boy.
12:57Here, boy.
12:58Here, boy.
12:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
13:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
13:06No, no, no, no, no, no.
13:13No, no, no, no, no, no.
13:18Yeah, mate?
13:19Yeah, too.
13:22Stop worrying.
13:23She's going to run away from home.
13:25I'm sure he's going to have left you a note.
13:29Why don't I just take one more look in the airing cupboard?
13:42Look at that. Why is it?
13:44Every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart,
13:47there's always a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot.
13:51I've completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that.
13:54PHONE RINGS
14:004291?
14:04Where did you come from?
14:08Turn it off.
14:104291?
14:13Really?
14:17Yes, thank you very much.
14:19Three o'clock.
14:21Yes. Yes.
14:23Yes, thank you very much indeed.
14:29Well, who would have fought it?
14:35Get your bloody nose out of that, Brendan!
14:37Where's he got to this morning?
14:43Where's he got to this morning?
14:45I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well.
14:51Exactly.
14:53I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well.
14:55Is that OK?
14:56That's about to be fine, Mrs Mildew.
14:57Morning, Merida.
15:01By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening a tin of token powder while I was up there.
15:13Only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's.
15:15See how rough my skin gets?
15:17Up there.
15:18Oh, yeah.
15:19Yeah, sure.
15:20Yeah, sure.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Excuse me.
15:23Morning, Mr Mildew.
15:24Morning, Mr Mildew.
15:25How's it hanging?
15:26Terrific morning.
15:27Never mind how it's hanging.
15:28What the hell's all this about?
15:29We open a seaside guest house here, have we now?
15:31Mr. Kazzanze's water was cut off this morning.
15:32I don't imagine you'd want to start the morning without having a bath or something to eat?
15:46I'll go and put some toast on for you.
15:48How are you looking after that?
15:49What the time is the trick?
15:50Right?
15:51What's the trick?
15:52What's the trick?
15:53Sorry.
15:54You've got a wee bit of a merry trick.
15:56You've got a good trick.
15:58I'll go and put some toast on for you. How would you like it?
16:01Like my women, golden, hot and covered in marmalade.
16:04Oh, gross!
16:10I thought you said this was going to be one day's work out there.
16:13No, promise, Mr Meld. You'll be done by lunchtime. Maximum. Thanks.
16:19Coffee? Lovely, thanks.
16:21What the hell is this in here, dog?
16:38Sealed with a loving kiss from Tina, Marilyn and Trish.
16:43You can come round and get dirty in our garden any time.
16:46You can come round and get dirty... Oh, I don't know. Schoolgirls.
16:50What would you do with them?
16:52Must be wonderful to be so popular.
16:54I know. I'll send them a 12-inch ruler as a measure of my affections.
17:01Yes. Well, thank you very much indeed.
17:03When I want to have breakfast at Hail and Peace, I'll let you know.
17:07You're still here? I thought you had to go to the bank this morning.
17:11And don't forget, you start work at three this afternoon.
17:14Right. Well, I'll just leave you both to it then.
17:18Bye-bye, Mr Meldro. Big Rove, eh?
17:25I wonder how they knew my size.
17:27Oh, Chris!
17:28I wonder what the hell is going to be okay.
17:29Who's behind the window?
17:31Yeah, no, no.
17:37Right.
17:38I wonder how you think about this.
17:41You're going to have zoom all day.
17:42Good.
17:43And you're gonna be able to see him.
17:45I wonder how he's going to be in the last two years.
17:47Yeah!
17:48Yeah!
18:17I'm afraid of God, but...
18:46Unbelievable! Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager!
18:52Why does everything have to end up in such a rush?
18:56God's sake!
19:00God's sake, what did you do? Spray these on this morning?
19:02Stop moaning and just pause!
19:03I am pulling!
19:04What the bloody hell's going on in here?!
19:08Mr Melchior thought you was going to be out all day.
19:10So it went bloody well up here!
19:12I mean, what is this? A hostel for sex maniacs!
19:14I mean, why didn't you tell me?
19:16I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet!
19:20Calm down!
19:21Calm down!
19:22I was out with you! Will he pick you up?
19:24Dial a nympho!
19:25You can get a letter when someone else...
19:27Oi! Oi! Come here! She's not saying you've got to talk!
19:29Dad!
19:31You want to get heavy? You want to get heavy with a young lady!
19:33Dad! Dad, look, I'm OK! It's nothing!
19:36Don't lose your temper with him, please! You won't regret it later, like you always do!
19:39I'm not going to regret nothing, Susan!
19:41Here, open the back door!
19:42Open the back door! Open the back door! Now!
19:45Right, you, outside!
19:47Ow!
19:56Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now. Hope it is to your satisfaction. It certainly is to mine.
20:01Margaret?
20:02Victor? What's she doing?
20:03What am I doing? Wall capering the spare bedroom! What the hell would you look at it by doing? Not very much!
20:16What on earth happened?
20:17What on earth happened?
20:18It wasn't my fault. I came home to find him groping some half-naked female on the floor. What was I supposed to think?
20:31Half-naked female? You don't mean his daughter? She dropped by to give him a hand just after you'd left. I said they could both use the bathroom to clear up when they'd finished.
20:46Oh! Victor! God! What have you done this time?
20:55Blow my nose!
20:56What?
20:57Stop standing there witching and blow my nose! I think I'm going to sneeze!
21:07Oh!
21:08God!
21:11Oh!
21:14God!
21:15What are we going to do?
21:17What do you suggest we do?
21:19Spread some fertiliser round my neck and wait like a mother in the street?
21:23I mean, I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I?
21:26The bloody bore on the penalty spot!
21:30He's packed it rock hard all around me! You'll just have to start digging!
21:33I don't know.
21:35Who's that?
21:36Oh!
21:37It's Patrick and Pippa!
21:38I'll get them to give me a hand!
21:39Don't you bloody dare!
21:41They can't see me like this!
21:43I'd never live it down!
21:46I don't know!
21:52This is Melby!
21:53They're very close!
21:55Patrick!
21:56Hello!
21:58You both, um, been out somewhere?
22:01Um, yes.
22:02Just up from the hospital, you know?
22:03To have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles!
22:07Are you kidding?
22:09Well, I say hermit crab, it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch.
22:16And fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip!
22:20How did this happen?
22:23Well, I've only got myself to blame on that one, I'm afraid.
22:26The old, old story, I remembered to apply the sunscreen, but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent.
22:33And, uh, inevitably, I paid the price.
22:39The eyes look very red.
22:41Yes, well, they would do, wouldn't they?
22:43Come on!
22:45Makes you wonder where things like that come from, doesn't it?
22:48Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew?
22:49Yes, doesn't it?
22:51Um, changing the subject altogether, how's Mr Meldrew getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife?
22:57No escaped specimens to report? Anything like that?
23:02No, no, I don't think so.
23:05Oh, um, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone.
23:09Would you excuse me, please, both of you?
23:11Oh, yes, Margaret, see you later.
23:13Come on.
23:15Adieu!
23:16Adieu!
23:37Afternoon.
23:39I, um, um, it was a bit of a mix-up with the workmen, actually.
23:46What was that?
23:48And, uh, one of those stupid things you do.
23:56Yes.
23:58Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew.
24:09Oh, God!
24:17Fantastic, marvellous!
24:19What am I going to tell about the Herald?
24:22I'm sorry I never came in to her, but, unfortunately, I was buried under my neck in a heap of rotting...
24:29What is it now?
24:32Who is that?
24:33It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum.
24:38She said she went round there this afternoon with her pension, and found her dead in the armchair.
24:47Said they reckoned she'd been like that for five days, just sitting there, with her knitting in her lap.
25:00The telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday.
25:10Oh, God.
25:16Sorry.
25:20Yes.
25:23Well...
25:27Get a shower.
25:30I'm still not sure about that.
25:42I was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours.
25:47Grandparents had one.
25:49I always remember, as a child, being scared stiff that if the pendulum stopped, it meant I was going to die.
25:54I used to sit and stare at her for hours, in case it suddenly stopped swinging.
26:00Like waiting for your heart to stop.
26:03And did it?
26:04Nope.
26:06And I'm still here.
26:08Well, we might as well keep this.
26:11You can always switch it on when you go to the loo.
26:13Hello?
26:14Hello?
26:16Margaret?
26:17This is your mum speaking.
26:19I'm sorry that I'm not here now.
26:21But that's because I'm somewhere else.
26:24I say I'm somewhere else.
26:26But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you?
26:31The pair of you.
26:33So I'll see you then.
26:35Hello?
26:36Hello?
26:41Well, that's cheered me up new end, I must say.
26:45Are you all right?
26:48Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think.
26:51Are you coming up?
26:53Yes, might as well.
27:06Hello?
27:08Hello?
27:09Hello?
27:11Hello?
27:13Hello?
27:31Hello?
27:33Not yet, you dude, Mickey.
27:36They say I might as well face the truth
27:42But I am just too long in the tooth
27:45I started to deteriorate
27:49And now I've passed my own sell-by date
27:53Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
27:56I have to pop my teeth into tube
27:59And my old knees have started to knock
28:03I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:06So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
28:11It's true that my body has seen better days
28:14But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:18One foot in the grave
28:21One foot in the grave
28:24One foot in the grave
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