- 2 days ago
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:07So I'm an OAP and weak need, but I have not yet quite gone to sea.
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Clapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30Can you just leave that for tonight?
00:43Here we go. Look.
00:45Three, two, one.
00:52Look at that! Look at that!
00:55All the models on the market, we have to end up with a waste disposal unit that can't keep his foot down.
01:03Would you mind changing the subject, please?
01:06Yes, well, I told you we shouldn't have gone for that Indian tonight, didn't I? Didn't I say?
01:11It wasn't the Indian. Are you coming up now or what?
01:14At least it's enough to turn anyone's stomach.
01:16Do you know, I think...
01:18Bloody restaurant.
01:28Bad enough the last time we went there, when that key broke inside the lock to the gents.
01:34Spent the entire night sat in the toilet while they passed pomperdoms under the door.
01:39But tonight is a real corker, I have to give them that.
01:44Watching a naked woman dangling her breasts in the basmati rice.
01:49I mean, that's one of their best.
01:52I think that's a slight exaggeration, don't you?
01:54All you need, isn't it?
01:56A stripper gum singing happy birthday to a group of lagerlouts at the next table.
02:01I mean, what does she look like with that stupid blonde wig on?
02:04I think she was meant to be Marilyn Monroe.
02:06Oh, is that what it was?
02:08I wondered why Harpo Marx was wearing a bra.
02:11Luke, why don't you lie down? I'll give you another massage.
02:15She had a stomach on her like Fred Emily.
02:18You know, she never said anything in that place either.
02:22Just let the customers get away with murder.
02:24Oh, I don't feel very good at all.
02:32Victor!
02:38I'm too scared to see anything, that's the trouble.
02:42Like when that yobber with the earrings stuck my cap in his mouth.
02:48Shocking, here, Dave, this chapati's a bit tough.
02:51With the teeth marks and the lining now forevermore.
02:57You know, if you're not feeling any better by Saturday,
03:00perhaps you'd better give Roger's party a miss.
03:03Margaret.
03:06Margaret, did you ask?
03:09Margaret.
03:10Not a lot better yet, I'm afraid, Roger.
03:17Well, I know, and she was really looking forward to coming as well.
03:21Well, the doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly.
03:24It's been building up over the last 35 years.
03:26I don't know what he meant by that.
03:32Yeah, of course, and the death of her mother and everything.
03:36Sorry?
03:38Ah, no, we didn't keep very much in the end.
03:40Just her answering machine and some jewellery.
03:42Oh, and her video.
03:44Yeah, so we don't have to keep hiring this other thing anymore.
03:46Mamma's supposed to come and collect it at nine.
03:48It still hasn't arrived.
03:50Yes, I will, Roger, and happy birthday.
03:53Yep, I'll see you about eight.
03:54Bye.
04:08Bloody video man still hasn't arrived.
04:12I just spoke to Roger.
04:13Apparently it's going to be rather a swish do over there tonight.
04:15Just as well I got that suit cleaned.
04:17Now, what else?
04:18Oh, yes, I'm just going to unplug the phone so you're not interrupted.
04:23That's the most important thing,
04:26that you get plenty of peace and quiet
04:29with no unwanted interruptions.
04:35Nothing is going to get you worked up or agitated again.
04:42Now, are you sure there's not too much noise coming through this window for you?
04:45No, no, no, it's fine.
04:46Because there's nothing worse than that.
04:49Trying to get off to sleep with some mindless racket going on outside.
04:54People yabbering away and God knows what.
04:56That could drive you absolutely potty.
04:58I know for myself.
04:59Will you shut the...
05:02front door.
05:03You're fired because of the right thing.
05:04Yes, of course.
05:10Oh, that'll be Mrs. Warboys with the dry cleaning.
05:12How did it go?
05:21Do you manage to get them both?
05:23Fine, thanks, yes.
05:25It took a bit of a while to find Margaret.
05:28I think she won't be needing it now.
05:30I don't think they're all that well organised in that place, if you've asked me.
05:35I've known one or two people, say, over the years.
05:42What's this?
05:44Oh, yes.
05:45She said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely.
05:50Myself, I can hardly see a thing.
05:52The bits.
05:53I mean, the...
05:54This isn't my suit.
05:58Isn't it?
05:59I've got it.
06:02Where in the name of sanity did it come from?
06:06Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again.
06:09Mixed up the...
06:10You must have seen it as a mistake when you got it out.
06:16Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
06:18Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this.
06:22I mean, where do you think I shop King Kong at C&A's?
06:26Actually, I thought it was for a fancy dress or something.
06:30Fancy dress?
06:31I mean, it's not even my size.
06:34And there's no permanent crease in the trousers.
06:36Look at that.
06:38Something else I've got to do now is take that back as if I didn't have enough to...
06:42Ah.
06:48I mean, it's not even my size.
06:49I mean, it's not even my size.
06:50I mean, it's not even my size.
06:51I mean, it's not even my size.
06:52I mean, it's not even my size.
06:53I mean, it's not even my size.
06:54I mean, it's not even my size.
06:55I mean, it's not even my size.
06:56I mean, it's not even my size.
06:57I mean, it's not even my size.
06:58I mean, it's not even my size.
06:59I mean, it's not even my size.
07:00I mean, it's not even my size.
07:01I mean, it's not even my size.
07:02I mean, it's not even my size.
07:03I mean, it's not even my size.
07:05I mean, it's not even my size.
07:06I mean, it's not even my size.
07:07Good morning, Mr. Meldrew.
07:33Are you well?
07:37Oh, I expect you think I've gone completely off my head.
07:44No, only it's the third round of the Jay's Fluid Cup on Friday,
07:47and we've drawn the Gribbley Street Exhaust Centre,
07:50so that'll be pretty stiff opposition, I expect.
07:53And I've got to keep my hand in or my arm gets rusty.
07:56Does it? Yes.
07:58Well, I can't stop.
07:59I've got to take a gorilla costume back to the cleaners.
08:02A gorilla costume? My goodness.
08:04Yes, can you believe it?
08:05I put my best suit in ready for a party tonight, and I get that.
08:10And they call us as a bloody dry cleaning service.
08:12They close early on a Saturday, too.
08:15I'll probably end up without a suit to wear at all.
08:17Oh, well, if you get stuck, Mr. Meldrew,
08:19I've always got one you can borrow.
08:20It'll be just about your size, too.
08:22Oh, really?
08:23Well, no, I don't think that'll be...
08:24I'll pop it round later. You can always see what you think.
08:27Oh, right, then. Just as a backup.
08:29Thanks very much.
08:30You're very welcome.
08:32Mother, will you please sit back in that chair?
08:35I'll have your hairnet off again.
08:38And just as I was deciding which colour would go best with his artificial eye,
08:46you know, I thought,
08:48that girl there looks familiar.
08:51And guess who it was?
08:53Little Andrea Temple used to live at the back of you in Wingate Crescent.
08:57No.
08:58Quite grown up now, and got the loveliest little baby boy.
09:02Said if she could, she'd bring him round tomorrow afternoon to show you.
09:05Oh.
09:07Well, I mean, you were like a second mother to her in those days, weren't you?
09:11The way her parents always left to defend for herself.
09:14Poor little might.
09:16God, that monster of a father.
09:19Do you remember?
09:19Well, he was never off the Terps.
09:21I know.
09:22And she was sleeping with a mortuary attendant.
09:26They got through a dozen coffins in one week.
09:30By the way, I can't.
09:31No wonder she was round-shouldered.
09:35Bloody nast.
09:37About time, too, after five hours of waiting.
09:40Let the man come to take your video back.
09:42Yes.
09:42I'm off into town now.
09:43I'll see you later.
09:44Bye.
09:45Bye.
09:45Bye.
09:47So?
09:49How is she?
09:50Does she still have those lovely little dimples in her cheeks?
10:01I'll beg your pardon, sir.
10:04You wouldn't have 50p to spare for a cup of tea, you told.
10:06Here.
10:16Here.
10:17And next time, you can try turning up a bit earlier.
10:21I want a wheel, sir.
10:23You're a credit to society.
10:25What can I say?
10:27Many thanks indeed to you, sir.
10:49One minute.
10:51One bloody minute.
10:52The whole lot of you should be shot at gas.
10:57I'm back.
11:00So I'd gathered.
11:02I just missed the dry cleaners by one minute.
11:07Bloody girl just stood behind the clothes sign pointing at me and laughing.
11:13Bloody thing.
11:15Bang goes my outfit for tonight now.
11:17Mr. Swayney called round while you were out.
11:26Oh, did he mention anything about that suit he was talking about?
11:30He said he's left it on the settee for you in the front room.
11:36Oh, right.
11:37I don't believe it.
11:48I do not believe it.
11:53How in the name of...
11:55He said it's quite you.
11:58He's hardly ever worn it.
11:59Oh, and he said you ought to ask that shop for a refund for not cleaning the other one properly.
12:09Not cleaning it?
12:11Oh.
12:13Why don't people ever listen?
12:17I'm really ready down there.
12:40It's a quarter past seven.
12:44They'll just have to do as they are.
12:46Right, I think that's everything.
13:08Right, I'm off now.
13:10Bye!
13:11Yes.
13:12Have a good time.
13:14Bye!
13:16Bye!
13:38Bye!
13:38Bye!
13:40Oh, are you still awake?
13:55Sorry I'm a bit later than I said.
13:58Very strange smell downstairs when I came in.
14:01I wonder what that could be.
14:03I wonder.
14:10I could always get a job as a stripper, Graham.
14:20Put that on, I wouldn't have to take anything off, would I?
14:25Looks like the shape of an iron.
14:29Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks?
14:32Let me look after you for a change.
14:35Take it easy.
14:37I get more peace of mind being nursed by the evil dead.
14:57How's it looking?
14:58Have it sorted for you in a few ticks, Mr Meldra.
15:00I think I've located the problem now.
15:02Yes, well, mind your nose in that shredder.
15:04I'll rub it up all night, scribbling it off the ceiling.
15:15He's a sweet little thing, aren't you?
15:17A sweet little thing.
15:19He's definitely got your eyes, Andrea.
15:21Has he?
15:22Now we're all right.
15:24And a pair of pearl earrings.
15:26Come on, Donovan.
15:27Give those back to Auntie Margaret.
15:30They were my mother's.
15:31I was just having a sore throat.
15:33It's about the only thing of any value she left.
15:36And I don't suppose I'll ever wear them.
15:38Aww.
15:40I think it's about time you were going back into your box too, isn't it?
15:43Before that nasty old bogeyman comes
15:45and finds you rolling about on his bed.
15:47And he's just like you.
15:49Bold and grizzled a lot.
15:51You say that your parents are separated now, then, Andrea.
16:12Are they quite close still?
16:14Fairly close.
16:16Holloway and Pentonville.
16:17Haven't been to see them.
16:19Not with this one to worry about.
16:20And the bookshop to run.
16:23You bought me my first book, Margaret.
16:26Monica Dickens.
16:27I've never forgotten that.
16:29Taught me the alphabet as well, you remember?
16:31Long before I started school.
16:33Sometimes I wonder where I'd be today.
16:35Oh, come on.
16:39We don't want you wetting the bed at the wrong end.
16:42Some of us aren't very well in this room.
16:45I'll just pop you downstairs for a sec.
16:48Right there.
16:50Right.
16:52Then I'll be off.
16:53Right.
16:54Here we are, look.
17:05We're going to leave you with Uncle Victor now.
17:08So that would be nice, wouldn't it?
17:10Back in his bed.
17:12Just to say goodbye.
17:13Right.
17:14Right.
17:14Right.
17:15Right.
17:16Right.
17:17Right.
17:18Right.
17:19Right.
17:20Right.
17:21Right.
17:22Right.
17:23Right.
17:24Right.
17:25Right.
17:26Right.
17:27Right.
17:28Right.
17:29Right.
17:30Right.
17:31Right.
17:32Right.
17:33Right.
17:34Right.
17:35Right.
17:36Right.
17:37Right.
17:38Right.
17:39Right.
17:40Right.
17:41Right.
17:42Right.
17:43Right.
17:44I think we might be in business now, Mr Mildred.
18:11Have you got anything we can try down at it at all?
18:13Hang on.
18:14Bye, Margaret.
18:15Bye.
18:16See you tomorrow.
18:18See you when?
18:23Go.
18:24Bye.
18:25Oh, well done.
18:30Seems to have made a difference, doesn't it?
18:32It was just a matter of...
18:33Oh, God, no.
18:36What's the matter now, then?
18:38I think my back's gone.
18:40I'm afraid it does this from time to time, damn thing.
18:43Ten to one is that archery practice set it off.
18:46Oh, God!
18:47I don't think I can get up off the floor.
18:50Well, you can't get off the floor?
18:52Well, let me give you a hand.
18:53No, no, no, please.
18:54It's no use.
18:55I can't.
18:56Oh, my God, what's happened?
18:57Is he dead?
18:58Unfortunately not.
18:59If he was, we could move him.
19:00His back's gone.
19:01I'll call an ambulance.
19:02Oh, that'll be no use.
19:03They can't do a thing for back's hospitals.
19:04I'll ring for an osteopath.
19:06There's one my brother uses.
19:08It's going to be all right.
19:09A couple of sharp snaps, and she'll soon have you walk again.
19:14Only don't try and move anything.
19:16Oh, my God!
19:17I can't.
19:18I can't.
19:19I can't.
19:20You're not.
19:21Oh, my God.
19:22I'll ring for an osteopath.
19:23There's one my brother uses.
19:24It's going to be all right.
19:25A couple of sharp snaps, and she'll soon have you walk again.
19:28Only don't try and move anything.
20:01You haven't seen those earrings about, have you?
20:11What earrings?
20:13You're feeling a bit better now, are you?
20:15Evidently.
20:16Yes.
20:17Seem to be.
20:19Funny, really.
20:20It's since Andrea came.
20:22Oh, it's such a tonic.
20:24Seeing how she's grown up and matured and everything.
20:27From what she was in those days to what she is now.
20:30Oh, it so easily could have gone the other way.
20:34Oh, and that little kitty of hers, couldn't you just eat him?
20:40Not on top of the kippers, no.
20:45I'm very taken with that garden gnome of ours.
20:47It's the only thing I could use to get him to stop crying.
20:50What?
20:50Look, I put them on the tray inside of the cotton wool.
20:56You brought the thing down.
20:57What did you do with them?
20:58Sorry?
21:01They're not in the pedal bin.
21:03I mean, what did you do with all the leftovers that were lying about on the...
21:07Oh, God, no, Victor.
21:12What?
21:13Not the waste disposal.
21:16Sorry?
21:18You didn't.
21:19Not my mother's pearl earrings.
21:21Um, I...
21:24Don't remember.
21:26You...
21:27Don't know for...
21:28You...
21:29Fuck!
21:31Well, that's it.
21:33Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work.
21:36I'm going back to work for a bloody rest!
21:41Well, we all make mistakes from time to time.
21:56Oh, yes.
21:58I certainly made one 35 years ago.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:03Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:34Oh.
22:36Sorry, did I wake you?
22:39It's all right, Mr Meldrave.
22:41I'm afraid I'm a bit of a light sleeper.
22:44I'm sorry the osteopath couldn't get here till the morning.
22:47But she did say she'd try and get round first thing.
22:50I hope so, Mr Meldrave.
22:58Yes.
23:00I hope so, too.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:02Oh, thank God.
23:25Oh, good morning.
23:28I'm sorry to disturb you so early, but I understand you've got...
23:31Yes.
23:32No, that's fine.
23:33Come on in.
23:33Just through there.
23:34It's all yours.
23:36I'll leave you two if you don't mind.
23:38Are you sure?
23:40So, so much.
23:41Um, is it this one on the floor?
24:00Sorry?
24:00Sorry?
24:01Is it the one on the floor?
24:03Of course the one on the floor!
24:05Oh, who else is bloody well down there?
24:09LAUGHTER
24:09Right, I'm off to the cleaners now.
24:12I'll just get the bus because it stops right outside the door.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:19You were right.
24:24He's giving them away to anyone who asks.
24:26He just pointed me towards it.
24:28He goes,
24:28It's all yours.
24:30What did I tell you?
24:31He's barmy as the Pope's Catholic.
24:32Come on, quick,
24:33before he changes his mind.
24:35The car keys are just in the hole here,
24:41if you want to take it.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44Victor!
25:00God almighty!
25:16LAUGHTER
25:16Now, before you say anything,
25:24don't say anything.
25:26I'll just get them both back eventually
25:28after a very long and unpleasant argument.
25:30down at the rat catcher's rest.
25:33Six bloody pints of Guinness apiece it cost me.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:37For the eventually sore reason,
25:39so don't start up, all right,
25:41because I am not in the mood.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44LAUGHTER
25:51What was that for?
25:54I've just read it in the paper.
25:57Read what in the...
25:58Oh, I forgot that came today.
26:04Sorry.
26:05I thought perhaps
26:07you might never find out about it.
26:09What does that say in there, then?
26:11It says the police are still looking for the emotionally disturbed girl
26:22who escaped from a remand home last Wednesday.
26:24that they think she's probably the same one who abducted a little baby boy from his parents' garden two days ago.
26:36I rang that incident room number up yesterday afternoon.
26:42Told them she'd been here.
26:44Sorry, Margaret, I know how much she meant to you.
26:47Well, that's not really her fault.
26:48That's what happens when you don't get a decent start in life.
26:59She took the pearl earrings as well.
27:03Didn't she?
27:04And you would never have said a thing.
27:14Well, I've taken the blame for every other disaster this week.
27:18I didn't think one more would make any difference.
27:30Hello.
27:31It's Mr. Neldrew, is it?
27:33Look, if someone's told you I'm giving away free video recorders, you're wasting your...
27:37Sorry.
27:38I'm Mrs. Ashcroft.
27:40It was our baby that was stolen the other day.
27:43And I gather it's thanks to your information that the police managed to pick up that girl
27:47just round the corner from here.
27:49And we just wanted to pop by and say...
27:52Well, words can't express it, can they?
27:55Now that we've got him back, it's just...
27:58Thank you very, very much from me and my husband.
28:08They say I might as well face the truth
28:23But I am just too wrong in the two
28:27I started to deteriorate
28:30And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:34Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:37I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:41And my old knees have started to knock
28:44I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:48So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
28:52It's true that my body has seen better days
28:56But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:59One foot in the grave
29:02One foot in the grave
29:05One foot in the grave
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