- 2 days ago
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:08So I'm an OAP at Wigmean, but I have not yet quite gone to sea.
00:15I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Clapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30People, unique people, are the luckiest people in the world.
00:44Good morning.
00:50Goodbye.
01:00Dushman still haven't been.
01:11I take it you are finished with those Sunday supplements?
01:15Yes, I think so, yes.
01:16I think I've digested all the fascinating details of a day in the life of Acker-Bilk.
01:31And a room of my own by Ken Russell.
01:34Wouldn't have thought there was much to say about a padded cell.
01:37I thought we'd just have a sandwich when I get back.
01:40Assuming it's a big dinner tonight, we don't want to spoil our appetites.
01:43Oh, you won't forget to ring for the taxi, will you?
01:47The number's here, on top of the telephone.
01:54Oh, God.
01:57You're not back at this madness again.
02:01I thought we agreed to get him a new one, not put one together from old bits like Frankenstein's monster.
02:07How can we give my nephew this moth-eaten rubbish for a christening present?
02:13I told you, I rang that big store next to B&Q and they're going to send us a catalogue.
02:17I'm not forking out an arm and a leg for a simple child's toy where I can make my own.
02:23It'll look fine when it's finished.
02:25Just trust me.
02:26You've never had the slightest aptitude for this sort of thing as long as I've known you.
02:34Try to mend a Wendy house from the inside once.
02:37What happened?
02:38You got stuck fast and had to crawl around with it on your back like a giant turtle.
02:45Do you have to do that at the meal table, for goodness sake?
02:49I've got to take its squeaker out.
02:52Well, do it outside.
02:54Well, it won't make a mess.
02:55Look, I've got to go.
02:58I'll be back about twelve.
03:00Right.
03:12What time is it now?
03:14About thirty seconds after the last time you asked me.
03:16Will you stop getting so agitated?
03:19They won't be here for another three hours yet.
03:21Just pray to God they're interested this time.
03:24Because you know what's putting everyone off, don't you?
03:27I mean, who in their right mind would want to buy a house next door to him?
03:31I seem to share a cell with Charles Manson.
03:33I seem to share a cell with Charles Manson sometimes.
03:37Oh, dear God, spare us all.
03:40This is a new one.
03:41What is it?
03:42You've got a teddy bear clumped in a blackened deck of work, mate,
03:46and you're gouging its eyes out with a potato cleaner.
03:51It reminds me of the time he tried to toilet train that ventriloquist dummy.
03:56He's sprinkled dead flies on his snowflakes each morning.
03:59He's carrying out a caesarean section on it now with a Stanley knife.
04:03Perhaps we'd drop the prize by another 5,000.
04:15Another letter from the solicitor here about Uncle Rodney's will, by the look of it.
04:24What do you think?
04:26What do I think?
04:27I think I feel sick.
04:32Sorry?
04:34That's not a teddy bear.
04:37That's the abominable Dr. Fibes in a fur coat.
04:42It's like the hideous product of a diseased mind.
04:47Poor child goes to bed with that at night.
04:51He'll have nightmares for the rest of his life.
04:53I think I need a hot cup of tea to steady my nerves.
05:01I've put a lot of work into that.
05:04I thought I'd made rather a good job of it.
05:06Well, you can just make a good job of taking it out to the dustbin
05:09and pray that nobody with a weak heart lifts the lint.
05:15Oh, that'll be Mr. Swayne.
05:17He said he might call round.
05:20Oh.
05:21Are we still using his mother's carrot key?
05:23He's a door wedge.
05:24Oh, yes.
05:25Hang on.
05:34Morning, Mr. Swayne.
05:35Morning, Mrs. Nelsgren.
05:37Like a cup of tea?
05:38Well, I'll stop, I'm afraid.
05:40I've got to visit old Mr. Blackerby at the Sycamore's nursing home.
05:43Oh, gee, he hasn't been in the wars again.
05:47Yes, is there anyone left there alive now, poor old soul?
05:49No.
05:49The Rudolf Hess of geriatric care.
05:53Only, uh, he'd just been rehearsing for the over-80s production of Sweeney Todd, the demon barber,
05:58and, uh, well, you'd be surprised what sticklers they are for realism.
06:02Fortunately, the blood transfusion seemed to have done the trick now, and he's off the danger list, so that, um...
06:07Oh, morning, Mr. Mildrew.
06:09How's the world treating you?
06:11Not too bad, thank you.
06:12How are you?
06:13You have a nice time in North Africa?
06:14Lovely, thanks.
06:16Lots of sunshine.
06:18Oh, why, I brought you back a dead scorpion.
06:21Sorry?
06:21Yes, I thought it was something you'd appreciate, what with your collection of spiders in the airing cupboard and everything.
06:33Collection of spiders in the...
06:34Didn't you tell me once a...
06:35I don't think that was so much a collection as a plague, actually.
06:39Oh, well, uh, bit of a novelty anyway, isn't it, huh?
06:42According to the local superstition, it's supposed to be extremely unlucky.
06:48It's supposed to, uh, bring down a horrible curse of evil misfortune and pestilence on whoever owns it.
06:56If you believe such nonsense.
07:01Yes, thank you very much.
07:03You're very welcome.
07:04Anyway, better dash and, uh...
07:06Ooh.
07:08That's interesting, isn't it?
07:10Looks as if it started working already.
07:12All right, I'll, uh...
07:14Bye, then.
07:15And, uh, I may pop by later with some of Mother's drop scones.
07:18Oh.
07:19Good.
07:20We can build a rockery.
07:31Oh, you've kept it very nice, haven't they?
07:34And I really love the conservatory.
07:37Mmm.
07:38Don't you go wandering off, Justin?
07:39Oh, what are the neighbours like, by the way?
07:43I mean, are they all right with young children?
07:46Oh.
07:47What?
07:48Um, well, I mean, uh, he's a positive Father Christmas, isn't he, darling?
07:53Yeah, the real, um, real jolly old soul.
07:56You know the sort.
07:57No, uh, no, they'll get on like a house on fire.
08:00That's definitely the best that we've seen so far, isn't it?
08:29By a long...
08:30Justin!
08:32Oh, my God!
08:33Oh, my God!
08:37Oh, come on.
08:46Wave goodbye to your 60,000 quid.
08:48Oh, my God!
09:10Oh, my God!
09:10Still engaged.
09:25It's unusual for that taxi firm to let us down.
09:28You're sure you said six o'clock and not seven?
09:33I don't know what's happened.
09:34That drippy girl's ridden it down wrong.
09:37She's much more concerned about what colour car I wanted than the time.
09:42Lucky forget they don't time for the cheese and biscuits now.
09:45Good evening, Mrs. Meldrew.
09:57Oh, hello, Mrs. Skimpson.
09:58I'd forgotten you were coming tonight.
10:00Victor, can you get the football pool's money?
10:02It's by the letter A.
10:04So, how are you?
10:06We're just on our way out, actually.
10:07Looks all set to bucket down out there.
10:10Going out tonight, are you?
10:12Where is that?
10:13Somewhere nice, is it?
10:15We're going out to the Chequers Inn at Nutsburg for a dinner time.
10:16Somewhere nearby, is that, or it's out of town.
10:23And there's your coupons for next week.
10:26So, what is it?
10:28Is it a special do or what?
10:31It's my old firm.
10:32They're having their annual dance.
10:33You're driving yourself there or I'm going to taxi?
10:37No, we're going by a team of elephants via the Himalayas, you know,
10:41just to do the journey for a change, you know.
10:44Only if you're drinking, you'll be much better off taking a cab
10:45and then you can enjoy yourself, can't you?
10:48Without the worry.
10:50So, see you same time next week, then.
10:53Goodbye.
10:54Have a good time, both of you.
10:56Bye, Mrs. Skimpson.
10:57Cheerio.
10:57Cheerio.
10:58That taxi firm you rang this morning, quite helpful, were they?
11:18About as helpful as anyone is these days, why?
11:21Just that when you rang and asked them to send you a car,
11:24they asked you what colour you'd like.
11:26Yes, God knows what they were.
11:28They didn't say anything about the size of the vehicle.
11:32No way.
11:40What the hell's this?
11:41This is your idea of a minicab, is it?
11:49It was on the doorstep.
11:53Well, what are we waiting for?
11:55Why don't we both jump in and go?
12:02A to B taxis, Victor, for God's sake.
12:05It was printed plainly enough on the front.
12:07On the other side was where I jotted down the number of that toy store next to B&Q.
12:13You must have realised that they were talking about...
12:17I give up.
12:20I just give up.
12:24I don't believe it.
12:29Still, in a world of faulty workmanship,
12:32it's nice to know that this is working properly.
12:34The curse of the scorpion.
12:36Don't be ridiculous.
12:38You don't believe that?
12:38They're a superstitious, total shoulder to goodness.
12:40B&Q
12:42B&Q
12:43B&Q
12:44B&Q
12:45B&Q
12:46B&Q
12:46B&Q
12:48B&Q
12:49B&Q
12:50B&Q
12:50B&Q
12:50B&Q
12:52B&Q
12:52B&Q
12:54B&Q
12:55B&Q
12:56B&Q
12:57B&Q
12:58B&Q
13:00B&Q
13:01B&Q
13:02B&Q
13:03B&Q
13:04B&Q
13:05B&Q
13:05B&Q
13:06Sir, what have they got to say about Uncle Rodney's will? Anything worth having?
13:11Nope.
13:13What's that long list, then?
13:15Just a load of junkie left.
13:18Says if I want to pick anything out, I can. Otherwise, they'll auction it all off and send me the money.
13:24Must be something there, surely.
13:27One willow pattern chamber pot. Chipped.
13:34One pair of false teeth. Cracked.
13:37One lace antimacassar. Ripped.
13:40One pair of hush puppies. Scuffed.
13:43One stainless steel milk churn. Stained.
13:48One souvenir from Stilton chessboard.
13:52Or is it cheese board? That's a misprint. Walked.
13:56One china basin. Broken.
13:59One plastic fried egg. Perfect condition.
14:03Fourteen chickens, three ducks and a cockerel.
14:07Real or plastic?
14:09Really? Who kept them in that big field out the back?
14:13One man's bathing costume. Right sleeve. Missing.
14:19One signed copy of the Harold Hare Annual, 1954.
14:23Signed by who?
14:25Doesn't say.
14:27One cot. Back leg, slightly damaged.
14:31One porcelain rhinoceros. Ch...
14:34Oh.
14:36That might be worth having.
14:38What, a porcelain rhinoceros?
14:40A cot.
14:42I remember seeing that in their nursery when I was a child.
14:46Lovely big Victorian thing with carved rosebuds and birds down the side.
14:53It's beautiful.
14:55They'd love that.
14:56Who would?
14:57Andy and Janet. For the christening.
15:00It'd be right up their street.
15:02Where were we?
15:03Lot 362.
15:05One cot, back leg, slightly damaged.
15:09Well, he probably only needs a couple of nails.
15:12Even you should be able to manage that.
15:14Yes.
15:15I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
15:18Have you set the alarm for half past one?
15:21Yes.
15:22To empty the bucket?
15:23Yes.
15:24So much for the new tiles he was supposed to put up.
15:29Don't worry, I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
15:31Well, see that you do.
15:32I will.
15:33Now, see that you do.
15:34I will.
15:35Well, any joy?
15:38Yes, I think it's safe to say.
15:54I've had a very good deal told.
15:56In the morning I turned some water into wine.
15:59Then I healed a few leopards.
16:01And after lunch I popped over and parted the waters of the Red Sea.
16:06Did the man come about the roof?
16:08No, but you can't expect miracles.
16:11You waited in for him all day?
16:13Yes.
16:14Just nine and a half hours.
16:16Fortunately, I didn't have a chance to get bored
16:18because for seven of those hours there was two men in torn vests outside
16:22scraping shovels across the pavement.
16:26I believe it's a new concept in street theatre.
16:29I could play you some excerpts if you'd like.
16:31I thought we'd start off with this one.
16:33Symphony for Shovels in A minor.
16:41Isn't it lovely?
16:42I could listen to it for hours.
16:44Rather cautionary because that's how long it lasted for.
16:47You actually stuck microphones out of the window and recorded that?
16:55Yes.
16:56And I'll tell you another thing as well.
16:57I don't like the way that Mrs. Stebbings TV Ariel keeps grinning at me.
17:02It's what?
17:03You look up there on that chimney.
17:05It's like a huge face with a big silly grin across it gazing right down at us.
17:10See?
17:11Someone up there is laughing at us.
17:12That's what that is.
17:13Laughing and mocking us over the great big tactical joke called life.
17:17Your imagination.
17:18I can't see anything except a TV aerial on top of somebody's chimney.
17:23Oh!
17:24Will you, for God's sake, turn that thing off?
17:28It's driving me round the bloody bend.
17:32I am giving this straight to the scouts for their jumble tonight.
17:41Gives me the creeps.
17:44Take my coat upstairs while I put the potatoes on.
18:01PHONE RINGS
18:064291.
18:07Mr. Mildrew?
18:08Speaking.
18:09Oh.
18:10Good evening.
18:11You don't know me.
18:12My name's Jack.
18:13I'm one of the people that burgled your house a few weeks ago.
18:20I beg your pardon?
18:22I was wondering if you could just help us on a couple of points.
18:25You remember we half inched a video of yours?
18:28One of those by tochi long play models.
18:31It's very good.
18:32Don't get me wrong.
18:33Record's great.
18:34We're smashing picture and everything.
18:36Only we're having a bit of trouble working out the 14 day timer.
18:41I wondered if you've still got the manual to end at all.
18:47Still got the manual to end?
18:50Yeah, we can't make it a tale of it is then.
18:53As you can appreciate, we're out most nights breaking and entering.
18:57And we don't like to miss home and away.
18:59Don't like to miss home and away?
19:01What the bloody hell do you think I am?
19:03You still might be...
19:04How are you getting on with that three piece suite all right?
19:07Send the cushion covers over or I'll put them through the wash for you.
19:11I won't need to take that attitude.
19:13I'll take what bloody attitude I like and you can just shut off!
19:17Hello!
19:18Hello!
19:19Hello!
19:20Hello!
19:21Hello!
19:22Hello!
19:23Hello!
19:24Hello!
19:25Hello!
19:26Hello!
19:27Hello!
19:28Hello!
19:29Hello!
19:30Hello!
19:31Hello!
19:32Hello!
19:33You callous code-hearted, thieving bastards!
19:34You're here to come to the points!
19:35I'll have you straight up to this point when I see you!
19:37I bloody well tear your liver out and tear it to the cat!
19:39You'll see if I don't!
19:40Ah!
19:41Good evening.
19:42Mr. and Mrs. Tilsley.
19:43Ah, yes.
19:44No.
19:45I'm sorry.
19:46I think we've got the wrong address.
19:47And from what I heard, the hospital fitted him with a completely new one.
20:06And now he can play snooker with it.
20:14Sorry?
20:15Oh!
20:16No!
20:17We got rid of that last week, didn't I tell you?
20:20I gave it to the scouts for their jumble.
20:22And since then, touch wood, we haven't had any bad luck of any kind whatsoever.
20:27Quite the reverse, in fact.
20:29We had a note through the door this morning saying we'd won third prize in the Women's Bright Hour monthly lottery.
20:35Yes.
20:36Victor's popped round there now to pick it up.
20:39Yes, I hope so.
20:41Right.
20:42I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mum.
20:43OK.
20:44Bye-bye.
20:51Well?
20:52What was it?
20:53Anything nice?
20:54Oh, you're joking.
20:55I swear that grin and Mrs. Tebbings TV area are getting bigger when it's on me coming back.
21:07Now we know where they get their crappy lottery prizes from.
21:11The bloody thing's breached!
21:13Well, do anything but just get rid of it before we have any more bad luck!
21:29What is it?
21:30You're too late.
21:31I couldn't get a reply round the front, so I thought it's safest to leave here.
21:47I hope that's OK.
21:48I was in the bath.
21:49I thought it was those Jehovah's Witnesses come back again.
21:54Dear Mrs. Medleroo, thank you for your letter requesting Lot 362.
21:55Despite which we are now authorised to be in the back of the day, I was in the bath.
21:56I was in the bath.
21:57I thought it was those Jehovah's Witnesses come back again.
21:58Oh!
21:59Oh!
22:00Oh!
22:01Oh!
22:02Oh!
22:03Oh!
22:04Oh!
22:05Oh!
22:06Oh!
22:07Oh!
22:08Oh!
22:09Oh!
22:10Oh!
22:11Oh!
22:12Oh!
22:13Oh!
22:14Oh!
22:15Oh!
22:16Oh!
22:17Oh!
22:18Oh!
22:19Oh!
22:20Oh!
22:21Oh!
22:22Oh!
22:23Oh!
22:24Oh!
22:25Oh!
22:26Oh!
22:27Oh!
22:28Oh!
22:29Oh!
22:30Oh!
22:31Oh!
22:32Oh!
22:33Oh!
22:34Oh!
22:35Oh!
22:36Oh!
22:37Oh!
22:38Oh!
22:39Oh!
22:40Oh!
22:41Oh!
22:42Oh!
22:43Oh!
22:44Oh!
22:45Oh!
22:46Oh!
22:47Oh!
22:48Oh!
22:49Oh!
22:50Oh!
22:51Oh!
22:52Oh!
22:53Oh!
22:54I think this puts my little blunder with a taxi into perspective, wouldn't you say?
22:59I mean, it only takes a bit of common sense.
23:05What do you think we want this bloody cow for in the first place?
23:09Start up our own dairy in the potting shed?
23:12We can't keep it here.
23:15Of course not.
23:17I'll just slip it into the freezer with the beef burgers.
23:21You stay here and keep her talking.
23:26Victor, you're not going to leave me with it. Victor?
23:30Victor?
23:37Evening, Mr Meldrew. You left your front door open.
23:41You want to be careful of that, you know, there's a lot of nasty people about these days.
23:46So, how's everything with you this week? All right?
23:49No, we've got a cow in the back garden, Mrs Skimsley, which I'm sure you'll appreciate is not all right by any stretch of the imagination.
23:55I'll help myself, shall I?
23:58Four pounds twenty. That's lovely.
24:01And there's your ones for next week.
24:05Oh!
24:08That's nice.
24:10Never seen anything like that before.
24:13It's very unusual.
24:15Right, you can have it. It's yours.
24:17Oh, are you sure, Mr Meldrew?
24:18Hello, hello!
24:19What is it?
24:20Shhh!
24:21Some kind of paperweight, is it?
24:22It's very heavy.
24:24No, it's an evil talisman, actually.
24:26That brings a curse of bad luck and horrible misfortune to anyone who owns it, actually.
24:31I might give it to my son. He loves anything like that.
24:34So, see you same time next week, then.
24:37Bye, Mr Meldrew.
24:38Hello!
24:39Goodbye, Mrs Skimpson.
24:40May God have mercy on your soul.
24:44Hello!
24:45Is that Danzig a proser in Kemp?
24:47Kemp!
25:17No, I mean, if you think of some of the rabbit hutches we've seen, it's very spacious.
25:36And you've got the south-facing front window, which is a real sun trap in the summer, isn't it?
25:41Mm, it certainly is, yeah.
25:43And the outlook, well, we've always really loved it.
25:46And you've got the curtains in here, as well as upstairs, which are only about a year old, aren't they?
25:52Well, I'm sorry, she's a twelve-year-old and I think that they're all gone through the themselves.
25:53I'm sorry, no, I don't know.
25:54I don't know.
25:55I don't know.
25:56I don't know.
25:57You've got the mag count in here, sir.
26:00Oh, no!
26:01You've got the mag count in here, sir.
26:03Ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:05Ha, ha, ha!
26:10Ha, ha, ha!
26:11Ha, ha, ha!
26:13Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:16What happened? Is it Mr. Skimson? What happened?
26:35Mugger, apparently.
26:36Young bloke with a flick knife just leapt out in front of her in the alley.
26:43Oh, God.
26:46But she'd only just been around at our house not long before.
26:51I give her that scropping.
26:55I know. That's luck for you.
26:59Oh, yes.
27:01God knows what she'd have done without it.
27:03Eh, Mrs. Skimson?
27:06Oh, no!
27:08It was the first thing that came to hand.
27:11I didn't even think about it.
27:14I just flashed out a wallop.
27:19I'm afraid I caught him hard on the right temple.
27:22And he went out like a light.
27:24Pow!
27:27Deadly weapon, this, Mr. Mildrew, in the wrong hands.
27:30Oh, right.
27:31Makes you wonder.
27:32Must be someone up there looking after us.
27:33Do you reckon, Mr. Mildrew?
27:34Yes.
27:35Yes.
27:36Well, some others.
27:37They say our martyrs won't face the truth.
27:41But I'm just too wrong in the two.
27:42I'm just too wrong in the two.
27:44I started to deteriorate.
27:49And now I've passed my own sell-by date.
27:50Oh, I am no springtime.
27:51Well, some others.
27:52Well, some others.
27:53They say the truth.
27:54It's no good.
27:55Well, some others.
27:56It's true.
27:57It's true.
27:58It's true.
27:59It's true.
28:00It's true.
28:01It's true.
28:02They say I might as well face the truth
28:06But I am just too long in the tooth
28:10I've started to deteriorate
28:13And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:17Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:20I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:23And my old knees have started to knock
28:27I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:30So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
28:35It's true that my body has seen better days
28:39But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:42One foot in the grave
28:45One foot in the grave
28:48One foot in the grave
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