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00:00They Say
00:30The Absolute Limit That Was
00:34You Wouldn't Believe If Anyone Could Pick Their Nose All The Way Through Dances With Wolves Would You
00:39Three And A Half Hours I Had A Sit Next To That
00:42It Was Always The Right Nostril
00:44He Never Touched The Left One
00:45Always The One On My Side
00:48I Think He Was Digging The Channel Tunnel
00:51Come On What's The Matter
00:54I'm Already Freezing Out Here
00:56It Won't Turn
00:57It's Jang Again
00:59Bloody Thing
01:00Joking Surely
01:02Here Give It To You
01:03I Managed It This Morning By
01:05Jiggling It Slightly To The
01:06Little Bugger
01:10Turn For God's Sake
01:12Two Hundred And Sixty Pounds
01:15We Paid For This
01:16For A Complete Set Of New Locks
01:18So Secure Even We Can't Get In
01:20Good Old Yellow Pages
01:23Pages
01:24God Right
01:31I'm Never Gonna Get Anyone In To Do Anything Ever Again
01:37Oh
01:39Oh Good Friday
01:40Cramp Now
01:41What Have I Loved Sake
01:424291
01:54What
01:55Yes I Know There Is
01:58Yes I Know It's Me
02:02Yes I'm A Ladder Going Through My Own Bedroom Window
02:06Why The Hell Do You Think I'm Doing It
02:09All Because The Lady Loves Milk Tray
02:12Who You Guys Are Going Back To Bed
02:15The Tardy Of Some People
02:18Are You Alright
02:21Hold On
02:22I'll Put Some Pillows Down
02:23Ah
02:24Yes If You Would
02:25That Would Be A Big Hell
02:26I Could Just
02:28How The Hell Do You Think It Back In
02:33Oh Yes
02:34Well I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end
02:37Funny Isn't It
02:38It Suddenly Turned
02:39Funny
02:40Yes
02:41Sometimes I Wonder
02:42Just How Much Priceless Allowity I Can Take You One Evening
02:45Why Is It That No Matter How Long You Stand There Shaking It
03:01There's Always One Last Drip That You Have To Dam Off With A Sheet Of Toilet Paper
03:09It's One Of Those Strange Facts Of Life You Can Never Work Out
03:14Did You Say You Would Pick Up The Makings Of That Casserole For Me This Morning
03:19Oh I Suppose If I Have To Run The Gauntlet Again With That Woman At The Green Grocers
03:24Who Seems To Fancy Me
03:26When It Keeps Wrapping Up My Vegetables In A Suggestive Manner
03:29Wrapping Up Your What?
03:32Good So I'm Afraid To Go In There And Ask For A Parsnip
03:35For Back Last Week And Found Lipstick Marks In The End Of A Spring Onion
03:39And What's That All About?
03:42What Are You Talking
03:43You Talk About Millicent In The Green Grocers
03:46Millicent Miles Fancies You
03:49Oh God She Must Be Desperate
03:52I'm Not Imagining It
03:53I Can Feel Her Mentally Skinning My Beetroot Every Time She Looks At Me
03:58I Mean You Would Think They're A Woman Of Her Age
04:01But
04:01Just Put All That Oil On That
04:14You Know It Stings To High Heavens
04:16Stings It's Nearly Taken My Eye Out
04:18Your Life In Your Hands Every Time You Blew Your Nose In This House
04:28Morning
04:41Morning
04:42Thank You
04:43Thank You
04:44Ah
04:45My Tickets For Wembley Thursday Night
04:48Now
04:50What's This
04:51Surely
04:55That New Pair Of Gloves
04:57I Send Away For
04:59Oh
05:01In The Name Of Sanity
05:04What's This?
05:06Can't Anyone Get Anything Right Anymore?
05:09What's This?
06:09I do not believe it.
06:17Someone's just stood in our fridge.
06:22Just then.
06:23When I went upstairs as bold as brass, they must just have come through.
06:32Stole?
06:334291.
06:42Speaking.
06:44Yes.
06:47Oh my God.
06:51Do they know what ward she's in or anything?
06:55All right.
06:58Bye.
06:59Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck.
07:03I mean, can you believe that?
07:05Can you actually believe that?
07:08Jean's had an accident.
07:10What?
07:10Well, what a bad one.
07:13Last night, on her way back from her sister's in Blackpool, the car went off the road into a ditch.
07:18They've taken her up the charter as general, so...
07:21Oh.
07:22I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?
07:28Oh, hello.
07:30Don't worry.
07:30She's not as bad as she looks.
07:31Most of it's superficial.
07:33The main thing is this nasty crack all the way around her jaw, so I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all.
07:38Oh, really?
07:39Oh, dear.
07:40Oh, well, her spirits are very low.
07:43I think she could definitely do with some cheering up.
07:49I don't suppose you know if you'll be out for Christmas or not.
07:54Sorry?
07:57Hang on.
07:58I've got a pen here.
08:05What's this?
08:07Commode?
08:07You mean you want to...
08:10Just hang on a second, then.
08:18Oh, excuse me.
08:22Margaret!
08:29Oh, thanks for coming.
08:33I said you were in a private room.
08:36I was at first.
08:36It's like musical chairs in this place.
08:51Oh, read that.
08:57Read all these.
08:59Oh, I tell you what I did do up there.
09:00Guess what?
09:02On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition in Louis Tussaud's.
09:09You know, the big waxwork museum on the front?
09:11In Blackpool?
09:12Guess who bought the winning lottery tickets?
09:15So what did you win?
09:16Well, I had a choice.
09:17Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash.
09:21£500?
09:23Or, now don't laugh, a chance to have a waxwork made of myself, all properly modelled with casts
09:32and everything by one of their experts.
09:34And then, now, can you believe this, some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with her fridge.
09:49Well, I suppose I'd better be moving.
09:54I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure.
09:57Oh, your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it?
10:01Let me just switch that on for you.
10:03Well, I'll see you again, I expect.
10:10And I hope you're feeling better soon.
10:13Bye, Mrs. Warboys.
10:15Bye.
10:26Oh, wonderful.
10:28That's all we need, isn't it?
10:29A wax dummy of Mrs. Warboys cluttering up there.
10:31I mean, what on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?
10:33It's been sent down on Thursday.
10:36She won't be there to take delivery of it.
10:37I mean, what else was I supposed to say?
10:40No, we could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or something.
10:43Yes, well, let's just keep her away from the radiator.
10:45She might start dribbling through the floorboards.
10:50Oh, yes?
10:52Will you really?
10:53I seem to remember you swore in your grandmother's grave to come round yesterday.
10:58But it is not buried in quicksand.
11:01What?
11:03Because we can't over in the front or the back now.
11:06It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday.
11:09Now the key is broken off of the...
11:11Are you listening to a cricket match there?
11:15Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?
11:20Just a sec.
11:21Oh!
11:29Don't worry.
11:29I haven't come for your fridge.
11:31Hello.
11:32Good morning.
11:33How are you?
11:34I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually.
11:37Bad as the one on the back of my van, then.
11:39Someone like that off last week.
11:41It's the age we live in.
11:42Anyway, me darling, I've got your Maris Pipers out here.
11:44I won't be a tick.
11:45Oh, right, right.
11:47Are you still there?
11:49Hello?
11:49Yes.
11:50Right.
11:51And you've got my address there?
11:53Yes.
11:54It's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz.
11:58No, no, what are you doing?
12:00Oh, no.
12:00Oh, my Victor, I've been there.
12:02I've been like a manager.
12:04Oh!
12:04Oh, I'm sorry.
12:07If it's not one thing, it's another with me just lately.
12:10Don't worry.
12:12Oh, what with yesterday in the pub.
12:15Young girl went for my purse.
12:18Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it.
12:21Poor old purse.
12:22Is he OK?
12:26Sorry.
12:27Your husband?
12:29I lost my husband five years ago.
12:31Oh, uh, sorry, uh...
12:36We weren't that close towards the end.
12:38I think you get a feeling, don't you,
12:41when something's there and when it isn't.
12:52Morning, Madison.
12:54Do you know the back door of your van's wide open?
12:57Mrs. Ellsbury's boys are out there
12:59practising drop kicks with an aubergine.
13:01Oh, they're not.
13:02Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor.
13:04Yes.
13:05You can settle up with me next week.
13:10What happened to this?
13:12The thread in the middle section's broken.
13:14I think we'll have to get a new one.
13:16Oh, right.
13:17Well, perhaps we can have a look.
13:19The next time we're...
13:20Oh, my God!
13:22When did this arrive?
13:23Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner.
13:25Half past ten.
13:28Haven't you opened it yet to have a look?
13:29I'm afraid I have, yes.
13:34And?
13:42I'll go and see to the potatoes.
13:43Six hours of just sitting here waiting.
13:50Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now.
13:54Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again?
13:58Five o'clock.
13:59It was obvious he wasn't coming.
14:00Rang up the shop.
14:01Oh, I'm sorry.
14:01He's gone home now.
14:02It's his day off tomorrow.
14:04We'll give him up and let a day off.
14:06Ruddy locksmiths.
14:06What's going on train and you're camping for us?
14:145.55.
14:15We're all meeting at the station.
14:17Kick off 7.30.
14:18This is just be fine.
14:20Give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands.
14:26What sort of errands?
14:28Good afternoon, Mr. Laverick.
14:46Of Laverick Locks and Boats for All Your Household Security Needs.
14:50Yeah?
14:50Ah, Sergeant W, my name's Mildrew.
14:52We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday.
14:56Mr. Mildrew, how are you?
15:00I haven't forgotten you, only we've had a few problems at the office this week.
15:04I can only apologise most sincerely.
15:06And I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning on my absolute word of honour.
15:11Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr. Laverick.
15:15I waited in all day for you four times now.
15:17And to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer.
15:22What are you bidgets?
15:23Yes, if I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere.
15:27And...
15:28What are you doing now?
15:29You've been wondering in your porch either, will you?
15:32There we are.
15:33That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?
15:36You've been missing somewhere.
15:38I've been playing it!
15:39It's all right.
15:40Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets...
15:43Oh, no, I tell a lie.
15:45Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?
15:47Yes, of course they did.
15:50In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back.
15:55Give me back that bloody key.
15:57I'm sorry.
15:58Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox?
16:02Yes!
16:03Yes what?
16:07Yes.
16:07Please.
16:12Righty-ho then.
16:13There we are.
16:18I put a first-class stamp on it.
16:23So, they should be with you first thing in the morning.
16:25Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant.
16:29They don't like a lot of watering.
16:30Cure up, it may never happen.
16:44Oof.
16:45Can I give you a lift anywhere?
16:46You'll be waiting there till Doomsday.
16:48I know, I'm supposed to be catching a train at six.
16:55Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back then.
16:57Shouldn't take more than ten minutes.
17:00Oh, sorry about all this, Pallava.
17:09I'll get around to fixing it one of these days.
17:13Oh, if you can find a space between the collies.
17:16I'm sorry, I'm all a bit chocker at the moment.
17:18Yes, but I don't think I'll be bothered about that
17:21as long as I get there.
17:23In?
17:24There you are.
17:25You get yourself comfy, Victor.
17:26I've got one quick call on the way.
17:28We'll have bags of time.
17:30No.
17:42No.
17:44No.
17:44No.
17:46No.
17:47No.
17:49Oh, my God.
17:52Oh, my God.
17:53No.
17:53Hello, Brad, it's only me. Are you well today?
18:17Anyone home? Oh, I see you managed to get that lock-off bed from the back door at last.
18:37Margaret? Margaret?
18:42What are you saying?
18:52Margaret?
18:58What are you saying?
19:04Jean?
19:07When did you come out?
19:09Oh, they took me out a couple of hours ago, said they needed the beds. Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here.
19:17Well, where is it? Ah, um, we put it in the spare room.
19:27What can I say, Victor? Didn't I say things keep happening just lately? I mean, I'm so sorry. Your big trip to Wendy and everything, and it's all my fault.
19:47Yes, well...
19:49Look, it's not the same. No way it's the same. But if you want to stop off at my place and watch it on the box, you're more than welcome...
19:57It's not on the box.
19:59On satellite it is, on the sports channel. I mean, and it's the very least I can do for you, after everything.
20:07Funny, isn't it? For the best part of a month, I've been dying for this moment, and now...
20:13I must have been... out of my tiny mind...
20:17and it's the very least I could do for you, after everything.
20:30Funny, isn't it?
20:32For the best part of a month, I've been dying for this moment now.
20:38I must have been out of my tiny mind
20:42to think that anyone would want this in their house.
20:47Other than to scare away the rats.
20:51It's absolutely hideous.
20:54Very good likeness there.
21:01Well, it's nice.
21:04The way they've caught your smile and everything.
21:07Yes.
21:08Well, what day did the dustmen come round here?
21:12Friday.
21:17I'll give you a ring sometime then.
21:22Night, Margaret.
21:27I'm afraid that you have to say that on the day,
21:32neither side really managed to find the residual form or character
21:36that was needed to lift this match out of the door.
21:39I don't suppose I miss very much in the end.
21:52So, you're going to leave me now, are you?
21:56All on my own.
21:58Sorry?
21:58Oh, yes.
22:03I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air.
22:07Oh, I don't know.
22:09The scrapes we get into, the pair of us,
22:12I suppose we're very much alike, really,
22:15when it comes to it.
22:16Anyway, it's bedtime.
22:25Hmm?
22:27You're going to walk out on me.
22:29There's not much to stay up for.
22:33No.
22:34No.
22:34No.
22:46No.
23:04No.
23:04No.
23:08No.
23:10No.
23:10Hello, Margaret. It's Millicent from the Greengrocers. Victor's still not home yet.
23:26Ah, no. He's in London with some friends for the football. I don't imagine he'll be...
23:30How did you know that?
23:33Ah, well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you.
23:37I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight.
23:41He's been here, at my place.
23:44I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?
23:47Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football.
23:51You're back early.
24:15Oh, yeah. Margaret, I can't believe what I've done.
24:25It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that...
24:31Would you like to tell me about it?
24:36Not really.
24:37Tell me about it.
24:46I locked that locksmith in his porch.
24:51What?
24:51I went round to see him, locked him in his porch, took the key away and posted it back to him.
24:59I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now.
25:03Locksmith!
25:03I'm talking about Millicent!
25:07I've just had her on the phone, telling me that you've been round at her house tonight.
25:14Oh, yeah.
25:14Well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift and the van was towed away so I missed the train,
25:19so I ended up watching the match in her house on Skye.
25:22Well, what's she been saying to you?
25:25Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight.
25:41Nothing happened between us.
25:45Absolutely nothing.
25:53Margaret?
25:54Margaret?
25:55Hello, Millicent.
26:10Oh, so what have you come to tell me?
26:13I suppose he's denied the whole thing.
26:15Well, of course.
26:16I mean, naturally he's going to deny it.
26:18Naturally?
26:18Because it never happened.
26:20Never ha...
26:20You're not telling me you believe him.
26:23That's right, Millicent.
26:24My God, he's got you well-trained.
26:27Oh, no.
26:29It's called trust, Millicent.
26:32You should try to get it up in the dictionary sometime.
26:33It's next to Trollop.
26:37So I imagined the whole thing, did I?
26:39That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight?
26:43Imagined?
26:43No.
26:45Invented.
26:46Because unfortunately the evening didn't quite go the way you'd planned, did it?
26:50The way I planned?
26:51The way I planned?
26:52Oh, the one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible.
26:56I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that.
26:59Yes.
27:01Well, we'll see, won't we?
27:03Just how strong I am.
27:04And in the future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's.
27:19Unbelievable the way people are sometimes.
27:23Suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go.
27:27How's your stomach?
27:29Yes, much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom.
27:34An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions and all those brandies.
27:40It's a wonder I've got any stomach left.
27:46Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it.
27:51I mean, there are many wives who forgive me for going round to her house in the first place,
27:55even just to watch football.
27:58Wouldn't they?
27:59I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that.
28:04Yes.
28:04They say I might as well face the truth
28:19But I am just too long in the tooth
28:22I've started to deteriorate
28:26And now I've passed my own sale by date
28:29Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:32I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:36And my old knees have started to knock
28:39I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:43So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
28:46Set in my ways
28:47It's true that my body has seen better days
28:51But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:55One foot in the grind
28:57One foot in the grind
29:01One foot in the grind
29:04To be continued...
29:06To be continued...
29:06To be continued...
29:07You
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