- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30They Say
01:00They Sucking Sweet
01:01They Sucking In That Exhaust Pipe In A Minute Much More Than This
01:06Yes, I Always Say That For A Really Super Bank Holiday Treat
01:14You've Got To Go A Long Way To Beat Four And A Half Hours Staring Up A Horse's Bottom
01:18It Was So Long Now I've Forgotten What Del Rey Looks Like
01:25Another Half Hour I Have To Balloon Our Christmas Card List
01:31I'm Virtually A Friend Of The Family
01:35Still There Even When I Close My Eyes
01:39Like Watching A Party Political Broadcast By Kenneth Clark
01:45Oh God
01:51Four And A Half Hours
01:54Of Unfettered Misery
01:59We Haven't Moved Now For Twenty Minutes To Mind Knowledge
02:03Where's That A-A Road Up
02:12What Are You Looking Up?
02:19Oh Yes, Here We Are
02:20Hell On Us
02:22We've Taken A Wrong Turning
02:24Oh God
02:31I Wish I Was Dead
02:35I Wish You Were Dead
02:37And Get Some Peace
02:39There's Nothing You Can Do About It
02:43So Stop Getting So Aeriated
02:44Just Got To Have A Bit Of Patience
02:45And Put Up With It
02:46Are You Sitting On The Mirror
02:48Are You Sitting On The Mirror
02:48I Said It Was Fawlty
03:09Say For Wearing A Black Mamba Around Your Neck
03:14You Try Yours
03:17What For?
03:19Come On, You'll See What I Mean
03:20I Don't Need To Try It
03:22Try It
03:44I Suppose It Could Be Worse
03:56We Could Have Gone To That Arts And Crafts Fair Again
03:59Like We Did Last Year
04:00Talk About Pathetic
04:04First Price For Fabric Design
04:06Went To A Man Who Did A Nosebleed In The Tablecloth
04:09But A Certificate Of Merit
04:11And A Five Pound Gift Voucher
04:13From The Co-Op Funeral Parlor
04:14Paintings That Were In This Play
04:17Were A Complete Joke
04:19Nearest Thing To A Decent Watercolour
04:22Was That Photograph Of Jilly Cooper
04:23Two Cats Had Urinated On
04:25Only One There With Any Taste
04:27I'm Surprised You Remember Much About It
04:32The Amount Of Homemade Tone Of Wine
04:34You Were Putting Away In The Refreshment Tent
04:36Went Around The Back To The Loom
04:38It Sounded Like Someone Running A Bath
04:40I Was Well Within My Limit
04:42I Was Perfectly Sober
04:44I Suppose That's Why You Spent Ten Minutes
04:47Having An Argument With The Papier Maché Replica
04:49Of The Mayor's Wife
04:50Yes
04:53Well, She Did Look Quite Realistic
04:57I Have To Give Them That
04:58Moaning On About The Litter In The Street
05:01And What Was Her Husband Going To Do About It
05:03What Did You Think All Those Little Wisps Of Newspaper
05:08Were Sticking Out Of Her Face
05:09Well, I Didn't Like To Ask
05:13I Thought It Maybe Some Rare Type Of Eczema
05:15Oh, My God, I'm Hot
05:22Next Bank Holiday
05:25I'll Just Book A Couple Of Seats And A Bread
05:27I'm Gonna Be Done With It
05:28I'll Beat It Like A Brace Of Boiled Lobsters
05:32Get A Move On Up Front
05:36For God's Sake
05:37What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Up There
05:39I Can't Drink Much More Of This
05:41Man Up There Sunbedding
05:46Now In The Top Of A Thick Of Struck
05:48Oh, Misery, Me
05:52What Time Is It?
05:5725 Past Three
05:58The Clock's Two Minutes Past
06:02You See, I've Got To Go All The Way Through Again Now
06:05Because You Can't Turn It Back
06:06Nothing But Trouble This Car From The Word Go
06:10God Knows Who The Previous Owner Was
06:12Movie Dick Judging By The Suspension
06:15Five Times It's Been Back For The Bear
06:18In Two Months
06:19It's One Fault After Another
06:21You Know What The Man In The Fish Shop Said
06:25It's All Psychosomatic
06:26What When Your Windscreen Wiper Suddenly Flies Off And Spears A Wood Pigeon
06:31Classic Case Of Honda Chondria
06:34Well, You Imagine Everything's Wrong With The Japanese Car
06:38Said It's All In The Mind
06:40Those Electric Shocks Aren't All In My Mind
06:43They're All Up My Bloody Arm
06:45Every Time I Get Out And Touch Something
06:47Five Thousand Volts Through My Fingers
06:49Sparks And God Knows What
06:51Go To Poo Down The Garage Doors
06:54Like A Scene From Frankenstein's Laboratory
06:57Nearly Set Fire To Nazaria Last Week
07:01And I Notice It Never Affects You
07:06Only Me As Usual
07:08Yes
07:09Well, Some People Are More Susceptible Than Others
07:12That's All
07:13Those That Have Faulty Wiring To Start With
07:16God's Sake How Much Longer We Got To Sit Here
07:22A Complete Waste Of Human Life
07:32I Could Have Stayed At Home Today And Done Something Useful
07:36What?
07:39A Million Things
07:40Like What?
07:45Well, I Could Have Cut My Toe Nears For A Start
07:47That's One Job
07:48Good Dude Now If I Brought That Special Gadget
07:52Oh Yes
07:53The One That Fires The Clippings Across The Room Like A Crossbow
07:56I Always Pick Them Up Afterwards
07:59Not Always You Don't
08:00Because You Can't Always Find Them
08:01I've Never Lost A Toe Neal Yet
08:04I Always Make A Point Of Not Moving On To The Next One
08:07Till I Find The One I've Just Cut And Brought It Back To The Pedicure
08:09It's A Rule I've Always Stuck To Over The Years
08:12Never Known Anyone As Lethal With A Toe Neal Clipper As You
08:15Got The Paper Boy In The Eye With One The Other Day
08:19I Thought You Ever Had Some Objects
08:21I Told You To Make Sure All The Windows Were Closed
08:25It's Been London
08:37But Shock Horror Drama
08:39The Organizers Have Called In
08:41God Bloody Derek Jameson
08:43Gonna Listen To The Back End Of A Horse
08:45Thank You Very Much
08:46What's Another Name For The Dung Beetle
08:53Giles Brandreth
08:55Can't Stand For Love No Money
08:58For Someone For God's Sake Tell Them To Get A Move Up Up The Front
09:05What Have They Got Up There This Time
09:07Gangs Of Navis And Cranes Fitting Filly Lump Shades
09:10I've Been Sat Here For Half An Hour
09:12I Die At The Beginning To Take Root
09:15I Give Myself A Headache Doing That Now
09:27See Why People Become Psychopaths
09:34No
09:34It's The Same With That Woman Who Serves In The Butchers
09:38In One Of Her Twitchy Moods Again On Saturday
09:42It Took Three Of Us To Prize The Meat Cleaver Out Of Her Hand
09:45Thought They Were Moving To Another Counter
09:49Away From The Smell Of Blood
09:51They Tried Her For A Week In Dairy Produce
09:54But They Didn't Like The Way She Kept Flexing The Cheese Wire
09:57So They Sent Her Back Again
09:58Apparently She's Been Completely Banned
10:02From The Public Gallery At Inquest Now
10:04Reckon She's Been Getting Steadily More Unstable For Weeks
10:08Ever Since She Came Home And Found Her Husband Playing Chess With An Inflatable Woman
10:12Won't Unhinder Anyone I Should Think
10:15Is It Chief Or It Seems To Fit
10:20Getting All Stiff Now
10:27I'm Going To Have To Get Out And Stretch My Legs
10:34Is No Good
10:35Bad Bloody Thing
10:41I Think She Should Wear Rubber Soles
10:44Rubber Soles I Need A Lightning Rod Up My Trousers
10:48Victor We're Moving
11:06Victor We're Moving
11:08Victor We're Moving
11:38With The People hypertension
11:40I Can't Take Anymore
11:41I Can't Take Another Second
11:43shit
11:45That Feels A Bit
11:51Pit
11:55Find One All Right Then
11:57Yes
11:57There's A Pub On The Otherвид
11:58S enrich
11:59That Slope
12:00Thore We're Very Friendly
12:02Do You Want To Go
12:04No I'm Fine Thanks
12:05you haven't moved very far then mr meldrew evidently not i thought you'd at least be
12:19down by the remains of that rotting badger well we're not we're not likely to be either at this
12:24rate you get my crisps oh no sorry they didn't have any salt and vinegar they only had smoky
12:31bacon i asked you to get smoky bacon you asked me to get salt and vinegar i said don't get salt and
12:37vinegar i said get smoky bacon oh they had plenty of smoky bacon but you didn't get any three huge
12:43boxes chock full of them but you didn't get any no thank you very much indeed i was looking forward
12:55to those it's the only thing that's kept me going for the last 15 minutes
13:00anyone want to drink at all is there any tea left i love the pineapple but only if there's some of
13:10that ice left i suppose it was to be expected on a bank holiday
13:17well it's too late to go anywhere now first chance we get we may as well turn around and head back home
13:24still at least it's been a day out change from just sitting around inside all the time
13:32there you are thanks
13:38what's this what's what
13:45there's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube
13:50i know it was the only one left i didn't think you were all that fussy
13:54you didn't think i was all that fussy i'll have a slice of dead wrath in it as well
13:59don't you've got one please a dog turd and a cocktail stick
14:03what's good into you getting all coarse and crude all of a sudden
14:10what's good into me a bloody freeze dried wasp in here
14:15i've got a gutful of today i can tell you that
14:18you finish with that newspaper
14:21how's your mother margaret i forgot to ask keeping all right these days touch wood
14:32did i tell you i ran into mrs biswell the other day asks to be remembered to you
14:40says all the tongues have started wagging down our old road
14:44because do you remember bianca dunlop lived three doors along
14:48yes
14:49they reckon she's been using her grandfather's stairlift for immoral purposes
14:54immoral purposes
14:56stairlift
14:58how
15:01she didn't go into details i didn't ask her to
15:06you just have to use your imagination
15:08man from the social services who went round there said it showed far more signs of wear
15:14and tear than it should have done and that's what first tipped them off
15:17can't say as i'm surprised
15:21i know
15:21well of course
15:22she wears nothing in bed except sainsbury's cocoa butter
15:26they reckon that when she puts the electric blanket on
15:29the bedroom smells like a malaysian restaurant
15:32i mean you could soda yourself to death couldn't you
15:36i know
15:37oh now
15:39you know that lady that lives in the corner
15:42moved into mr spiller's old house
15:45mr spiller
15:45you remember
15:47he had that blind parrot
15:49that he taught to fly around with the lead of a guide dog in its beak
15:52oh yes
15:54well
15:55you know her husband had that horrible accident
15:58fell down the stairs in the middle of leslie crowther
16:01and had to have his whole arm put in plaster for six weeks
16:04well
16:06apparently there was the most terrible blunder made up the hospital
16:10because when he went back there to have the cast taken up
16:14there was nothing in there
16:16his hand was there
16:18but no arm
16:20that's the gospel truth
16:22mrs burkey told me on top of the bus
16:24oh thank god
16:26of absolute tripe
16:28you do talk the pair of you
16:29i've never heard
16:30there's a load of absolute driven on my life
16:33where do you hear such bloody things
16:36sorry mr milchow
16:38what people wear in bed and what they don't
16:40you'd think people want to keep things like that private
16:42not run around rabbiting about it to everyone under the sun
16:45exactly
16:46i knew i wouldn't tell anyone about the strange things you do when you're in bed
16:52no
16:57neither would i
16:58would you like me to take over the driving for a bit
17:07yes you can do if you don't mind
17:37yes
17:47so
17:51so
17:55typical see this
18:00story about a bloke who was shot by gang-line villains in the east end
18:06says they dumped the dead body riddled with bullet holes in the boot of his brother's car.
18:12Although, interestingly, this was something the local garage failed to spot
18:16when they went over it for the M.O.T.
18:20Must be the same lot that do this one.
18:23Look at car mechanics.
18:25I was supposed to have made it this gear leave it two days ago and it's still loose.
18:27Look at that!
18:32I'm not going to keep jerking it about like an egg whisk.
18:34Just leave it alone.
18:36My stomach started rumbling again.
18:42Hadn't it any dinner whatsoever or breakfast.
18:46Who's fault was that?
18:48Not so much as a morsel of meat in 24 hours.
18:53But I hadn't thrown that dead wasp away now.
19:00Oh, God, now my prickly he's coming on into the bargain.
19:04Like little stabbing needles all over.
19:09Oh, they're my back everywhere.
19:11I've got some wet ones here.
19:13Hang on.
19:15I've got hot flushes any minute.
19:21Thought it was only women got hot flushes.
19:24It is usually.
19:25Victor's one of the few men that suffer from it.
19:28Had them ever since he stumbled across the details one day in his medical encyclopedia.
19:33Oh, yes.
19:34He's a terror for that thing, isn't he?
19:37Most people have a medical dictionary so that when they get something wrong with them, they can look it up and find out what it is.
19:43With Victor, it's the other way around.
19:46He looks up a disease and then develops the symptoms to Victor.
19:50Treats it more in the way of a Freeman's catalogue, really.
19:53Browsing through to see what he can die of next.
19:59Look at this.
20:01It's a bloody post office queues all over again.
20:04Why aren't we moving?
20:05Oh, I expect we'll move in a minute.
20:06I bet we don't.
20:07But the entire queue goes past and most sites where we are still stuck here.
20:11Very few as if we're moving backwards.
20:14You sure he hasn't broken down in front?
20:16Of course he hasn't broken down.
20:18Well, we don't know that, do we?
20:21I mean, there might be nothing at all in this lane.
20:24We might be sitting behind that riderless horse box.
20:27The driver might have been thrown out of his window going over a humpback bridge.
20:31Look, look, it's time to move.
20:33And the other two are slowing down now.
20:35Quick, start her up.
20:36We're going.
20:38Oh, I don't believe it.
20:41Now, don't bother.
20:42It's not worth wasting the battery.
20:45Five bloody yards.
20:49I knew it was too good to be true.
20:52No, recession.
20:54What recession?
20:55From where I'm sitting, I've got two salons in North London, both doing serious business.
21:01The way I look at it is, well, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't.
21:03Know what I'm saying?
21:05So I'm now looking at options for a third outlet in Pimlico.
21:08Probably opening next summer.
21:10So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house.
21:14Just say you're friends of Mr. Salmon.
21:17Ooh, I don't know.
21:19Sounds a bit fishy to me.
21:22You could be anybody.
21:25Well, you just have to trust me, won't you, my sweetheart?
21:27I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price.
21:31What did you say your name was?
21:32Lisa.
21:32Lisa.
21:34And your friend?
21:35Carol.
21:36Carol.
21:37Could have the full works.
21:38Cut, dyed and blow-dried, all at 20% discount.
21:42And I might even take you out for a drink afterwards, and I can't say fairer than that, can I?
21:45How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?
21:49Well, that's for you to prove otherwise, isn't it?
21:52Oh, for God's sake, I think I may throw up.
21:57Sorry, what's your problem, matey?
21:59Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window, actually?
22:02That would be a mistake.
22:04Who asked you to shove your nose in, you miserable old fart?
22:07I'll shove my nose in whenever I want.
22:10This is my airspace when you've quite finished conducting your sex life through the middle of it.
22:14Is it like cars being used as a bloody contraceptive?
22:18I'm not in it.
22:19We are not suffocating to death in here just for them.
22:22Just let it drop, then.
22:23I'm not going past our noses, thank you very much, just for seeing it over two six-hundred trollops.
22:28I noticed it worked for you.
22:29What the bloody hell is that supposed to be?
22:33Oh, Victor, just let it be, for God's sake.
22:38They're not worth it, Mr Meldrew.
22:40Yes, and I'm just greedy.
22:42Let somebody else have a look in.
22:44I did not come out here today to be insulted by you and this demented pair of gauntless pea-bane craters.
22:51I mean...
22:52Listener, Grampy, you know what you can do, don't you?
23:07See that horse over there?
23:08Why don't you just go over and st-
23:10Yes, hi.
23:20Sorry.
23:22Yes.
23:26It's for you.
23:31Oh, shit!
23:33What are you?
23:33Want to have a national grid or something?
23:35Oh!
23:40Hello?
23:44Sorry.
23:46We...
23:46No, we can't bloody well move any further forward.
23:52I don't give a bugger if you are.
23:56Six chance, nothing.
23:58It's five at the most.
23:59Where's that going to get you anyway?
24:03Well, you can just bloody well lump it then, can't you?
24:08And you...
24:08Ow!
24:14You bastard!
24:14Well, I suppose you're happy as a sandboy now, are you?
24:34What do you mean?
24:35Is there anybody else you'd like to pick a fight with on this stretch of the motorway?
24:38I think there's a little old lady over there in an invalid carriage.
24:42Why don't you go and kick our tires in?
24:44Well, it wasn't my fault.
24:57I suppose we've all got to sit in silence here like a mausoleum now, have we?
25:05Some music or something.
25:07There's a bloke we can't stand any longer, always on the bleeding moan.
25:27Every time we mend his bloody Honda, he's back rousing on the phone.
25:37First we fixed his car's ignition, checked his brakes and clutch and then overhauled his whole transmission.
25:51He just brought it back again.
25:56It's a meltroom, it's a meltroom.
26:01He can stick it up his phone.
26:05He can bugger off till England comes.
26:10He's stuck a piece of chewing gum in the record protecto.
26:24They, um, hold a note quite well, don't they?
26:34For car mechanics.
26:35Mirror image of your life, really, isn't it?
26:48Car journey in a bank holiday.
26:50First 50-odd miles on the go all the way, a sense of direction, bowling along.
26:59Get past 60, everything slows down to a sudden crawl.
27:02And you realize you're not going anywhere anymore.
27:09All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything.
27:16And you can't turn the clock back.
27:22One-way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.
27:28Same for everyone, I suppose.
27:34Suppose.
27:36And you just have to try and make the best you can of it.
27:40Mm-hmm.
27:44Oh, God, I'm bloody ravenous now.
27:50I can't last a moment longer.
27:52It's no good.
27:53I'm afraid there's only one thing for it.
27:55We'll have to eat Mrs. Warboy.
27:58I know she's a bit grisly, but these are desperate times.
28:03And as a close friend of the family,
28:05I'm sure she'll agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself.
28:11It's either that or...
28:15Or what, Mr. Meldrew?
28:18Or...
28:19Where's the sucky sweets?
28:27They say I might as well face the truth
28:37But I am just too wrong in the tooth
28:40I started to deteriorate
28:44And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:47Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:50I have to pop my teeth into chew
28:54And my old knees have started to knock
28:57I've just got too many miles on the clock
29:01So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
29:04Set in my ways
29:05It's true that my body has seen better days
29:09But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
29:13One foot in the grave
29:15One foot in the grave
29:18One foot in the grave
29:22One foot in the grave
Recommended
29:31
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