- 2 days ago
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00:01They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:07So I'm an OAP and weak mean But I'm not yet quite gone to sea
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:22Clapped out, run down, too old to save One foot in the grave
00:30What's this?
00:50More paraphernalia?
00:52Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents
00:55Some survey or other, I thought I'd fill it in while we were waiting for the x-rays
01:01Give a brief description of how the accident occurred
01:08A garden shed fell on him
01:10I've put rotting timbers collapsed on head while dismantling old outhouse and rear garden
01:18Was the accident unavoidable or due to the patient's carelessness?
01:26Carelessness?
01:27What stupidity?
01:30That was asking for trouble in anyone's book
01:33And screwing all the nails in a building before you've taken the roof off?
01:37We don't know that's what happened
01:40All Mrs. Paisley heard was a loud crash as she was clipping her cockerel
01:46And when she rushed round, there he was, lying semi-conscious under a pile of rubble
01:51And with all that red paint spilled down his trousers, naturally she thought the injuries were more horrific than they were
01:58Still turns my stomach over to think about it
02:02Imagine finding someone with a piece of broken glass between his legs
02:09And thinking it'd have cut off his...
02:14And you'd think even the ambulance men would have checked first
02:19Before taking her word for it
02:21I know
02:22Rushing that lump of mouldy care at a hospital in the specialist's box
02:26Still
02:30I suppose it's a mistake any of us could have made
02:34Yes
02:37I don't think they were any too experienced, Jean
02:42God knows what was in that painkilling injection they gave him
02:46He was laughing at a pencil a few minutes ago
02:50How are you feeling now, Mr. Meldrew?
02:55All right?
02:57I'm tickety-boo and a half, Mrs. Paisley
03:00How are you today, my little sweetheart?
03:07Well, I think I'd better be getting back
03:11Don't like to leave Cousin Wolf there on his own for too long
03:16Not so soon after his operation
03:18Yes, how is he? Still a bit dozy
03:21Yes, a bit vague and forgetful
03:24Is he still coming with us on our outing tomorrow evening?
03:27Ah, I meant to tell you
03:29We've had a few more cancellations
03:31Seems there won't be the full 55 of us going now after all
03:36Oh dear, how many is it now then?
03:39Four
03:39Well, Chris can't get back in time
03:43And Mr. and Mrs. Burkett have got a crossword to finish
03:47And you know how people are
03:50Anyway, I'll give you a ring tomorrow
03:52Bye, Margaret
03:53Yes, Virginie, thanks for the lift
03:55Oh, sorry, it was a bit bumpy
03:57I'm not used to driving Chris's car
03:59Bye, Mr. Meldrew
04:02Let's spend the night together
04:05Now I need you more than a time
04:09Number the pastry
04:13What?
05:44Back!
05:50Sorry I'm late.
05:51Had to run a friend up the hospital.
05:53Oh, is everything all right here?
05:56What's been going on?
05:58You haven't been having trouble with my TV aerial or anything, have you?
06:01TV aerial? No.
06:03What on earth makes you say that?
06:04Oh, it's just that when I came round the bend,
06:07I thought I heard Mrs Eldridge
06:09shout out something about a man on my roof.
06:11No, no, it was fine while I was watching EastEnders.
06:18It can, she probably said.
06:20Another one of those squashed bad visers.
06:23Oh, yes, that must be it.
06:24I'll fish it down in the morning.
06:25I'll fish it down in the morning.
06:55Oh, I don't suppose that'll keep it out for one minute, but still.
07:04What out?
07:05The busted mattress.
07:07What busted mattress?
07:09The busted mattress somewhere's always dumps in your skip
07:11whenever you leave one outside your door.
07:13Universal law of nature.
07:18Just as the cuckoo always lays its eggs in other birds' nests,
07:21so some bastard always comes along
07:22and dumps a busted mattress in your rubbish, skip.
07:28Bloody shit, I should never have tampered with it.
07:32I should just have left it as it was.
07:34Blood and paint in every orifice known to man.
07:40Talk about undignified having to lie there
07:43while two student nurses sponge your genitals with turps.
07:47One more joke about rubbing me up the wrong way
07:51they'd have been to put into this.
07:53For the casserole department, I can tell you that.
07:57My leg's itching like mad now.
08:00Why's that?
08:02Looks like insect bites, for God's sake.
08:05That's her sitting with Mrs. Lacey's cat on your lap
08:07all yesterday afternoon.
08:09I told you to put her down.
08:10She'd got fleas.
08:11But no, you wouldn't have it.
08:13You know how they've always regarded your feet
08:15as a special delicacy.
08:18They'll be sucking away on those ankles of yours tonight
08:20in bed now like a midnight feast in the dormitory.
08:23And don't scratch and make it bleed.
08:26And then we'll all be coming back for second helpings.
08:30Bloody things.
08:31We'll have to get some of that spray at the pet shop tomorrow.
08:39You're still thrilled to bits about that, aren't you?
08:46Just like to keep checking, make sure I didn't imagine it.
08:5127 years since I was last sent a letter
08:54offering me a full-time job.
08:56Just choose.
08:57You should never give up, Hope.
09:00Yes.
09:01Monday morning I'll be back at last,
09:03back in the land of the living.
09:05And you'll start to see the world
09:08as a friendlier place again, then.
09:10You'll see.
09:11It's just a matter of getting back your self-confidence.
09:17Oh, my God.
09:18What is it?
09:19Quick, turn all the lights out.
09:21What's the matter?
09:22What are you...
09:23It's Ronnie and Mildred.
09:25Oh, my God, Morris.
09:33You've just seen their car coming round the corner.
09:38Oh, please, God, save us from a visit
09:43from Ronnie and Nova with a tin of assorted biscuits.
09:47I was hoping they were both dead.
09:51Why do they always call us when they're down here
09:53like the plague of the zombies?
09:54Don't keep moving about.
09:56Their car's just pulled up.
09:58Where's that letter rack?
10:00What are you doing?
10:00Well, if they look through the box
10:02and see a lot of letters lying about,
10:05maybe they'll think we're on holiday.
10:09Oh, for God's sake!
10:11Hold down!
10:12Do you want to give us a wee?
10:13Right, here we go a little bit.
10:15This way, I'll say,
10:17I'm so long to see you.
10:18Oh, my God.
10:18Hello?
10:27Hello?
10:29Anyone at home?
10:31It's Ronnie and Mildred.
10:34Let's see if we can spot them through the window.
10:41Hello, hello, hello, can you see me?
10:43Linda, Margaret.
10:45Back her off!
10:46Go back and quickly bathe a pair of you.
10:50You shag!
10:56Oh, no.
10:58What is it?
10:59Mildred's going round the back.
11:01I think I've left the bathroom light on.
11:03Oh, my God, that's sick.
11:05They've got us in a pincer movement.
11:08Finished.
11:09They'll be here till three o'clock in the morning
11:10showing us pictures of their loft conversion.
11:14Right.
11:14I'm going to go for it.
11:15Are you mad?
11:16You never make it.
11:17I've got about ten seconds.
11:18It's no or never.
11:19Right.
11:20Good luck.
11:30You have to walk to sleep in your armpit.
11:33Hello, wakey-wakey.
11:34I don't like it.
11:57It's too quiet.
11:58Will you stop standing there like Michael Caine and Zulu
12:06and come to bed?
12:09Supposing they come back in the morning when we're at least expecting it?
12:11They never strike during the hours of daylight, as you well know,
12:16and we'll be out tomorrow evening with Jean at the BBC.
12:19Yes.
12:19I suspect she's booked us into another real side-splitter, has she?
12:27Like the last show I went up there to see,
12:29it was supposed to be a glittered evening at television centre.
12:31The most exciting moment was urinating next to Peter Sisson's.
12:34That witch-hazel hasn't done any good.
12:43Well, no-one's forcing you to go.
12:46You can always stay here and wait for Ronnie and Mildred to come back.
12:50Yes.
13:01What time are we to be up there?
13:07Sorry, Jean?
13:09Oh, not bad this morning.
13:16In a bit of a trance at the moment.
13:18In the last 15 hours,
13:21we've had happy, sleepy, grumpy and dopey.
13:30We only need another three for the set.
13:33Anyway, are we all set for tonight, the four of us?
13:36What time would you like us to pick you up?
13:38Well, that's what I'm floating about, actually.
13:42I'm afraid it's going to have to be a threesome now.
13:45Well, you don't mind taking Wilfred?
13:48Only, um, well, my goddaughter's lost her babysitter
13:52due to the extradition papers coming through.
13:56And, well, you see, it's their anniversary
13:58and they can't get anyone else at such short notice.
14:03So, I'm sorry to be a bit of a party pooper and everything, but...
14:08Oh, that's all right, Jean. Don't worry about it.
14:10No, we'll be fine.
14:12Okey-doke. Bye.
14:13What's for better now?
14:15The BBC burned down?
14:18That's a bad news.
14:21Look at that.
14:23Those things are in my wrist now.
14:25This must still be on me somewhere.
14:27She can't come now.
14:29She's got to babysit for a goddaughter.
14:31Are you sure we don't have some of that insect repellent left?
14:35Sure I saw some somewhere only the other day.
14:39I don't believe it!
14:52I do not believe it!
15:16What the bloody hell do people think this is a drive-in scrapyard?
15:19I paid for this, Skipper's, for my rubbish and nobody else's.
15:25What am I supposed to do with this?
15:27Melt it down for fake oil?
15:29Didn't they say that this would happen?
15:32How did it get here?
15:33Did someone just dump this?
15:37Well, unless a very large jackdaw was carrying it back to its nest and dropped it,
15:43I should think that's a fairly safe assumption.
15:45It never ceases to amaze me the bloody-minded fottishness of something.
15:54I don't believe it.
15:58Look at this.
16:03Look at this.
16:05Look at this.
16:05You bastards!
16:12You come back here today and I'll kill the lot of you!
16:14Look at this.
16:15Look at this.
16:16Look at this.
16:17Look at this.
16:18Look at this.
16:19Look at this.
16:20Look at this.
16:21Look at this.
16:22Look at this.
16:23Look at this.
16:24Look at this.
16:25Look at this.
16:26There.
16:27You know, it's a bit sombre, Wilf.
16:30Why don't you go and pick out one of Chris's?
16:33Something a bit more cheerful for a night out.
16:36Yes, maybe you're right.
16:37Oh, I'd better get my skates on.
16:40Well, see you later then.
16:41Yes, fine, Jean.
16:42Have a really lovely time, won't you?
16:44Take care.
16:45Excuse me.
16:46I'm sorry about all this upset all our plans and everything.
17:10He's nearly ready.
17:12Oh, there are the tickets and I'll give you the front door key just to be safe, what
17:20with his memory and everything.
17:21Oh, right.
17:22I think that's everything.
17:23That'd be great, Jean.
17:24Off you go.
17:25Goodbye.
17:26Have a really lovely time, won't you?
17:28Oh, and if I don't see you later tonight, Mr. Meldrew, best of luck for the new job tomorrow.
17:34Thank you, Mrs. Wellboys.
17:36Bye, Jean.
17:37Goodbye.
17:42Like Mother Like Son, a brand new comedy about a young woman's hilarious struggle to bring
17:51up two rebellious teenage boys.
17:53Do you remember to bring the crossword book?
17:58Oh, don't be such a misery.
17:59Try me a bit more chill.
18:00Hello.
18:01How are you?
18:02I'm Margaret, and this is Victor.
18:03It's very nice to meet you.
18:04Margaret?
18:05Victor?
18:06That's right.
18:07Who am I?
18:08Sorry?
18:09No, I'm sorry.
18:10I'm sorry.
18:11You see, I think...
18:12Well, I was in the garage, and my mind seems to be a blank.
18:15I'm sorry about this.
18:16I just...
18:17You're Wilfred, remember?
18:18You're Wilfred, remember?
18:19You're Jean's cousin, Wilf, and you're staying with her for a few days while you get better.
18:24Why don't you back the car into the drive for him?
18:25You've been in hospital for quite a while.
18:26And it's left you a bit forget.
18:27I'm sorry about this.
18:28I just...
18:29I'm sorry about this.
18:30I just...
18:31You're Wilfred, remember?
18:32You're Jean's cousin, Wilf, and you're staying with her for a few days while you get better.
18:40Why don't you back the car into the drive for him?
18:43You've been in hospital for quite a while.
18:50And it's left you a bit forgetful.
18:54Hospital?
18:55Yes, that rings a bell.
18:57We had a big operation.
19:00Oh, you'll soon be back on your feet again.
19:03There we are.
19:06There.
19:07Here's your jacket.
19:09Oh, thank you.
19:11Have you got everything else you might need?
19:14I think so.
19:15Right.
19:16Where are we going?
19:17Oh, we're going to take you to a television show at the BBC.
19:20Oh, nice, like it.
19:22Whoa.
19:23There we are.
19:30Right.
19:32I'm ready.
19:41All those with tickets for a generation game, please have you on the left.
19:54All those with tickets for a generation game, please have you on the left.
20:06All those with tickets for a generation game, please have you on the left.
20:09Okay.
20:10Three, two, one, left.
20:17How are you feeling now, Will?
20:19All right?
20:20I feel a bit groggy, I'm afraid.
20:23I'm sorry I slept most of the way here.
20:25I just couldn't keep awake.
20:27Anyway, long car journeys.
20:30You'll soon pick up once you get inside.
20:42And that's vital because it's the warmth and atmosphere that you generate here in the studio
20:47that makes all the difference to all the boys and girls in front of and behind the camera
20:52and gives the show a real lift.
20:54Now, I know we're a little bit understaffed this evening.
20:57But I know we're all going to do our best.
21:00And don't be afraid to laugh as loud as you like.
21:03And I'm sure we're all going to have a really super, super evening.
21:18The weirdest thing I've ever seen in all my life.
21:21A real whip-tickler from start to finish.
21:24I knew so much of it.
21:26I spent most of the evening filling in your crossword.
21:29I've never been so embarrassed.
21:31And that warm man asked if anyone had any questions they wanted to ask.
21:35And you said, how many peas in hippopotamus?
21:44Look, can we just stop thinking about it all and get back to the car?
21:47You know I didn't want to be late back tonight.
21:49I've got to be at work in the morning, remember?
21:51Half past eight in the dot.
21:53Clearly in no-fit state to come out again yet a while.
21:56I knew what Jean was thinking about.
21:58They're so like her.
22:00They send someone out for the evening when they're barely conscious.
22:03Yes, fortunately, as Julia, no-one noticed the difference.
22:07I'd say I'll be here.
22:09I want to be here.
22:10I want to be here.
22:11I want to be here.
22:12You know, I want to be here.
22:14I want to be here.
22:15Get your way up.
22:18And get your way up.
22:23I want to be here.
22:24Keep going up, Victor.
22:26Carefully.
22:27You're dragging his head on the floor.
22:29Oh, there we are.
22:42Well, all home, safe and sound.
22:46I expect Jean will be back soon, and she'll...
22:54Uh, I don't think we've met, have we?
22:58Are you Victor and Margaret?
23:02Yes.
23:03I'm Jean's cousin, Wilfred.
23:05I'm Victor and Margaret.
23:09I'm Victor and Margaret.
23:11Oh, my God.
23:41Oh, my God.
24:11Oh, my God.
24:41Oh, my God.
24:43Excuse me.
24:45Oh.
24:47Sorry.
24:49You new?
24:51Yes, my first morning, actually.
24:55Looks as if you want to buck up your ideas a touch, doesn't it?
24:59Yes.
25:01Sorry, um...
25:03Okay, please.
25:11Did you hear me?
25:23What, sir?
25:25Are you awake this morning?
25:29I said there's a fur coat in the back.
25:33Oh, yes.
25:35So there is.
25:37Well, darling, are you sure we've come to the right hotel?
25:43The coat, please, doorman.
25:47Oh, yes.
25:49Sorry.
25:51Don't mind what you're doing with it, man.
25:54It's not some rag from Marks and Spencers.
25:57Have you any idea how much this costs?
26:00I shouldn't think so for a moment.
26:02If you're serious about wanting to work here, Charlie, you're going to have to revise your attitude to the job.
26:08That's a tip from me.
26:10The people who come here expect to be treated with a certain deference and respect.
26:16Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do.
26:20Do you understand what I'm saying?
26:23Mm-mm.
26:24Yes, right.
26:26I do understand what you're saying and I'm very sorry.
26:29I should think so.
26:31Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain.
26:36What the fuck?
26:37What the...
26:38It seems that neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle yet.
26:43It must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power.
26:46Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out.
26:49Of course, if you hadn't chopped all this legs off in the first place, it could have climbed down on its own.
26:53But there we are.
26:54And if you ask me if I want to go on working here,
26:57well, if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two anyway,
27:01then I think I'd rather remain unemployed. Thank you very much.
27:03You cranny old cretin, I'm going to ring your...
27:06What is it?
27:07I just saw something hopping about in the fur.
27:11Oh, my God, I feel sick.
27:14And there's another one.
27:16It's a flea!
27:18Yes, they make charming pets.
27:20You'll find you grow so attached to them.
27:22And, of course, vice versa.
27:24Hold, please, James.
27:25You have a Nike riverbank.
27:37It's unbelievable.
27:38Treated like something that's crawling out of the bottom of a pond.
27:44Well, I can stick the bloody thing.
27:4772 hours of non-stop madness, misery and mayhem beyond all belief.
27:52Oh, at least we've escaped from the worst horror of all.
28:01Surprise!
28:02Surprise!
28:03They say I might as well face the truth
28:12But I am just too long in the tooth
28:16I started to deteriorate
28:19And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:22Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:26I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:29And my old knees have started to knock
28:33I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:36So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly
28:39Set in my waist
28:41It's true that my body has seen better days
28:44But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:48One foot in the grave
28:51One foot in the grave
28:55One foot in the grave
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