- 2 days ago
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, but I am just too long in the tooth.
00:07So I'm an OAP and weak need, but I'm not yet quite gone to sea.
00:14I may be over the hill now that I have retired, fainting away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:22Clapped out, run down, too old to save, one foot in the grave.
00:30So, on line two, we have Patrick. Good evening to you, Patrick. And what's your question for Mimsy Berkovitz?
00:37Well, it's a bit of a tricky one, but put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman.
00:43If I tell you a few weeks ago, he put a specially trained crab up my shorts while I'm asleep in the garden,
00:48and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs.
00:51If I get a passenger on a tube train, you'll get some idea of the problem.
00:55What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal.
01:00and patch things up. I just wonder if we should risk it.
01:04It does sound a delicate one, this, but I think, on balance, I would.
01:09There's something wrong with this phone.
01:12Oh, sorry, yes. It only takes incoming calls at the moment.
01:16They were supposed to have fixed it before.
01:19Is everything all right, Jean?
01:22You've been really fidgety all night.
01:24Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down?
01:29Why, whatever is it?
01:38Well, I think I'm going to be sick.
01:41I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it.
01:52I think...
01:53Chrissie's having an affair.
01:58Thank you!
02:03An affair? Who is?
02:05Well, you know the woman who lives two doors along from us.
02:09Lost her husband in that ear syringing accident.
02:13Well, a couple of weeks ago,
02:16this blew off her washing line and into my garden.
02:21You see where all this...
02:22The colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here, the bottom.
02:27Yes, but what's that got there?
02:28Acne gel.
02:29Sorry?
02:29It's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night.
02:35The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same.
02:40You can't be serious.
02:42His head's been on this pillow, Margaret.
02:45I know it has.
02:49I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything.
02:53Well, perhaps we'll soon have some proof.
02:57I've hired a private detective
03:00to follow him about
03:01to see if they go anywhere together.
03:04I've got to find out Margaret one way or the other.
03:08If I did find out, he'd be...
03:11I don't know what I'd do.
03:14I think I...
03:15I just might kill myself.
03:17Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked Pizza Spam.
03:24That's very good.
03:26Very funny.
03:30I know, Jean,
03:32but you can't just...
03:34Well...
03:36Why don't you phone the conference hotel
03:40and put your mind at rest?
03:42Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch.
03:51But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow.
03:56Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening.
03:59And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here at half-part.
04:04Oh, God knows, Jean.
04:07They all go round each other's houses once a week
04:09and fish a hanky out of a hand.
04:13Cross between the magic circle and Dad's army.
04:17Yes, yes, all right, I will.
04:19And do try to stop fretting.
04:21Yes.
04:22OK, bye.
04:25Are you coming to bed tonight or what?
04:27Remember, we've got a job to go to tomorrow morning.
04:29I'll be up in time for work.
04:30I just want to test this over tomorrow
04:31and make sure it's in working order.
04:34Utterly pathetic.
04:37Oh.
04:38I trust that one with the gammy elbow
04:41isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time?
04:44Mr Henstreet, I'm not sure if he's coming.
04:46He had a bit of a heart scare last week.
04:48Oh, we'd never get the stains out.
04:50It's a good job we've got a red carpet, is all I can say.
04:55What happened there?
04:56That's not supposed to do that.
04:58I don't...
04:58I don't believe it!
05:05You can go down this time.
05:07I've had enough for one day.
05:17Exploded chipmunk.
05:18What?
05:18Excuse me, sir.
05:19Can we get through, please?
05:19No.
05:20Come on, lads.
05:21Look.
05:21Straight through.
05:22I did not call a sodding fire against you.
05:25My house is not at par.
05:26Will you please go away?
05:28Oh, isn't it?
05:30Sorry, lads.
05:31As you were.
05:32This is the third time this week, you lot have been right.
05:36I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it.
05:38Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate,
05:40we've got to take every call seriously.
05:42Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are,
05:45and they keep ringing us up?
05:46No.
05:47Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed in the past
05:48who's trying to get their own back.
05:50We've drawn up a short list of 5,000 names.
05:55Yeah, right.
05:57Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
06:00Good night to you.
06:00Good night.
06:02Good night.
06:07Bastards.
06:25Morning, Mr Meldrew.
06:27Keeping your bowels open.
06:30Sorry?
06:31Didn't see you there.
06:33Sugar Frost is, actually.
06:35Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that.
06:38Busy old road, isn't it?
06:40How are you settling in now?
06:41All right?
06:42Very well, thank you.
06:43Picked it up straight away.
06:44No problems of any kind.
06:46Oh, good, good.
06:46That's nice, yes.
06:47No one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then.
06:52Psycho Sam?
06:53No, no, no, no, no.
06:54That's fine if they haven't.
06:55No, there's no point making you a bag of nerves before you start.
06:58That's just what you don't want.
07:00In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods license withdrawn.
07:03After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor.
07:07Last Friday?
07:07What happened last Friday afternoon?
07:09What about my predecessor?
07:11Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie.
07:12Nice old chap as well.
07:14Yeah, very popular with the children.
07:15Shame about old Bertie?
07:16Who's Bertie?
07:16Look, look, what are you talking about?
07:18Anyway, I better scoot.
07:19You see, I've got to pop auntie's sis down the road and control at nine.
07:23So, see you about, I expect.
07:25And don't go worrying about articulated lorries.
07:28You'll be absolutely fine.
07:29Wait, articulated?
07:31Oh, a bit of a bit of a do out here by the looks of things.
07:34Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew.
07:40You've got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled uriner?
07:42Oh, shit.
07:59I've got to dash.
08:00I've put some coffee out if you want to help yourself.
08:02Your money's on the kitchen table.
08:04Champion, thanks very much.
08:05Oh, you're up early.
08:06Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop.
08:09And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch.
08:11I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight.
08:14Well, that's all right.
08:14I'll do it in one of my specials.
08:16Oh, are you sure?
08:17I think there's some mince in the fridge.
08:20I'll see you later.
08:21Yes, bye.
08:27Ah, here we are.
08:29What did I tell you?
08:29My horoscope for the day.
08:31Do not, under any circumstances,
08:33go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's
08:35unless accompanied by a trained exorcist.
08:38I would ring up and cancel,
08:41but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really?
08:43Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight.
08:46I wonder what bizarre aquatic species
08:48I can expect in the groin this time.
08:52Stingray up the rectum?
08:54I'll just get off lightly
08:56with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.
08:58Can you see an old dirty floor cloth by the door?
09:05Um, yep.
09:07Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth?
09:14Oh, very good, very good.
09:17Mm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones.
09:26Now, the magic formula.
09:28Er, two teaspoons chilli powder
09:32in a cup of water
09:35and while half-tispe cooling.
09:57Harold, are you well?
09:58Come on in.
09:58Good morning, Arthur.
09:59Go and set yourselves down.
10:01I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight
10:02and I'll be right with you.
10:04Oh, Gordon, you need a hand with that.
10:05Oh, God, you need a hand with that.
10:32I mean, what is it?
10:39Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure
10:42out of rowing with our neighbours?
10:45Yes.
10:47I don't think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel
10:49or something, the way you carry on.
10:52They're just a normal couple like you and me,
10:54trying to lead normal, everyday lives.
10:57Oh, boy!
11:09Oh, my God!
11:21Oh, my gosh!
11:22Oh, my gosh!
11:23Oh, my gosh!
11:25I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes.
11:55Hello, ambulance. As quick as you can, please.
12:19I'm a British telecom. I'm going to pay your bills. Come on.
12:24Victor! Who are you ringing? What's happened?
12:29It's old Mr. Henstridge. We think he may have had a heart attack.
12:32Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly seemed to... Hello?
12:36Right?
12:49Leave it. Leave it. Everybody, just please leave it. We'll deal with it. Just, everybody, please go.
13:05It's Mr. Henstridge.
13:07Yes, we think it may be his heart.
13:09Yes, we know all about it and we'll deal with it. If you'll just go watch it, just leave it and come back for that later.
13:14Come on. Out you go. That's it. Goodbye.
13:21How is he? How is he, Jean? Is there anything there?
13:24I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere.
13:44Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jesus!
13:58I have to get his head back. That's it. Now then.
14:03I'm fine.
14:05Ssss.
14:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:09Just a second, can I?
14:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:13What is he got in here?
14:17What is he got in here?
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21What is he got in here?
14:23Things!
14:25What is he got in here?
14:27Things!
14:29I think he's starting to respond, Margaret.
14:35Oh!
14:37We should get him outside, into some fresh air.
14:39OK. Mr Handish, can you get up?
14:41That's it.
14:43That's it. Here we go.
14:45Right.
14:47Epsy-daisy.
14:49That's it. OK.
14:51That's it.
14:53That's it.
14:55Good.
14:57Oh!
14:59Oh, no!
15:01LAUGHTER
15:03Oh, no!
15:05LAUGHTER
15:07This pulse doesn't seem too bad now.
15:09Ambulances can take an eternity up here.
15:11Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves.
15:13Morning, Mrs Maldrew.
15:15Anything I can do to help at all?
15:17No.
15:19What's happened?
15:21Is he dead?
15:23I feel this will readily join him.
15:25Hamelin said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet.
15:27Will you keep that door closed?
15:29It's all under control.
15:31We've managed to get him out of there.
15:33And he seems to be all right.
15:35But Mr Swayney very kindly said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe site.
15:37You're going to be late for your next shift if you don't look lively.
15:39Look, just go.
15:41Jean and I will tidy up the mess.
15:43Are you sure?
15:44Well, look, I'll speak to you later.
15:45And, er...
15:46I'm sorry about all this.
15:48Right.
15:50You ready?
15:52Touch!
15:54You ready?
15:56Touch!
15:58I'm sorry about all this.
16:00Right.
16:02You ready?
16:04Touch!
16:06You ready?
16:08Touch!
16:10You ready?
16:12Touch!
16:14Touch!
16:16Touch!
16:18Touch!
16:20Touch!
16:22Touch!
16:24Touch!
16:26Touch!
16:28Touch!
16:30Touch!
16:32Touch!
16:33Touch!
16:34Touch!
16:35Touch!
16:36Touch!
16:37Touch!
16:38Touch!
16:39Touch!
16:40Touch!
16:41Touch!
16:42Touch!
16:43Oh, my God.
17:13Afternoon, Mr Meldrew.
17:20You're still in one piece, then?
17:22Evidently.
17:24Oh, by the way, your old gentleman, Mr Henstridge, was fine in the end.
17:28They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty,
17:30and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea.
17:32Well, this isn't Mr Henstridge.
17:36This is Mr Matthews.
17:38He hasn't got a weak heart.
17:41But this is the chap your wife asked me to take down the hospital.
17:43After the day done...
17:45Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then?
17:48Well, I left him.
17:51Oh, I don't believe it.
17:54You don't mean he's still inside the trunk.
18:00But did no one explain there what happened?
18:03He asked us to chain him up inside,
18:06said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat.
18:08After 10 minutes, it all went quiet.
18:10Then, Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key,
18:12and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock.
18:16I told him to keep searching where I went for an ambulance.
18:19I mean, surely to goodness someone's not the...
18:21Oh.
18:23Oh, God!
18:28He's been in there now for five bloody islands!
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33Now, what did she say, um...
18:46This one's mayonnaise...
18:48Um...
18:49This one's blue cheese...
18:52And I think this one's Thousand Island.
18:55So what's this one, then?
18:57I think that's an ashtray.
18:58It looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me.
19:05If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night,
19:08you're going to get this lot right in your face.
19:10Can you see a butter knife at all?
19:13Well, there's bound to be one around here somewhere.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:18Yes, here we are.
19:21One of what he uses to cut his toenails at night.
19:24A wine harvester.
19:25You're sure you won't join us for the evening?
19:32Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment.
19:34Thank you, Margaret.
19:36But I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who.
19:39See how the investigation's been progressing.
19:42Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow
19:44and then you'll find you've been worrying yourself.
19:46Oh, there were nothing at all. You'll see.
19:49Yes.
19:50Well, bye, Margaret.
19:52Talk to you soon.
19:53Yes.
19:53If you feel like ringing, at any time.
19:55Oh, I will. Yes.
19:58Bye-bye.
19:59Bye.
20:06Right, then.
20:07Sorry about that.
20:09Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet
20:11and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen,
20:13so you just make yourselves at home.
20:15Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete.
20:22It's like spending an evening at the Munsters coming round here.
20:26I mean, a little nameless horror you're going to come across next.
20:29Too grisly for words, surely to God.
20:54What do you think now?
20:55Well, listen, listen to this.
20:58Let me out.
21:03Yes, very good.
21:04Let me out.
21:05You should be on the Paul Daniels show.
21:08Paul Daniels?
21:10That wasn't me, you witless woman.
21:12It's a prompt you display of my ventriloquial dexterity.
21:15There's someone in the bloody trunk, listen.
21:18There's a body inside here.
21:20What?
21:21Oh, God.
21:23You stupid...
21:24I can hear chains rattling inside.
21:26Oh, for the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he?
21:31Here we are, now.
21:34I'm sorry.
21:35I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I?
21:38Now, what would you like?
21:39I think there's some martini.
21:40I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whiskey.
21:50Martin, it's me.
21:52Look, I'm on my way home, and I'm in Mr. Sweeney's car, folks.
21:55Mr. Sweeney's car, folks.
22:25He's in his car, too.
22:27Oh, oh, oh.
22:28Hi.
22:30God, I'm Colin.
22:41Why aren't you someone getting this thing open?
22:46Oh, oh.
22:49Oh, oh.
22:52Oh, my God, what have I done to deserve this?
23:02Yes, hello, could you put me through to the fire brigade, please?
23:08Did somebody here call us?
23:10No reply from the war boy's residence.
23:22He must be on the way.
23:24Oh, I gave Mrs. Henschlidge a quick ring.
23:26Said to be a while before his back straightens out,
23:28but otherwise he's recovering quite well, considering.
23:33I don't know whether this was such a good idea.
23:36I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening,
23:39it might take my mind off this ridiculous hour.
23:42Oh.
23:46Sorry I'm late.
23:47Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system.
23:50Oh, right.
23:51So where is he, parking the car?
23:53No.
23:54No, he won't be joining us.
23:56He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things.
24:02It's all over between us, I'm afraid.
24:04We talked it all through and decided it was for the best.
24:10And as there didn't seem much point in prolonging the agony,
24:15he's moving in with her tomorrow morning.
24:22So it was true.
24:24In the end, that woman next door but why?
24:27Oh, no, no, no.
24:32Of course it wasn't.
24:33That was me just barking up the wrong tree as usual.
24:37Who is he moving in with?
24:40That's the worst part of it, all, I'm afraid.
24:45The private detective.
24:46Apparently, he spotted her after the first couple of days following him around.
24:57They got chatting.
24:59He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere when they could both go and lose.
25:07Seems they just hit it off together straight away.
25:10Everything's gone just as wrong as it could ever really.
25:20Yes, it generally does.
25:24One thing you could be sure about in life,
25:26just when you think that things are never ever going to get better,
25:29they suddenly get worse.
25:30Yes.
25:38Although right now, it's hard to imagine how.
25:53Okay, everybody, no need to panic.
25:55This is just a precaution.
25:57Somebody upstairs is set by to a tablecloth and his candle.
26:00They say I might as well face the truth
26:15But I am just too wrong in the tooth
26:18I started to deteriorate
26:22And now I've passed my own sell-by date
26:26Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
26:29I have to pop my teeth into chew
26:32And my old knees have started to knock
26:36I've just got too many miles on the clock
26:39So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
26:44It's true that my body has seen better days
26:47But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
26:51One foot in the grave
26:54One foot in the grave
26:57One foot in the grave
27:00One foot in the grave
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