- 2 days ago
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00:00I'm going straight, I'm straight as an arrow
00:17I'll face the price and done the time
00:22I'm going straight, I am
00:25But I'm straight and narrow
00:28And I don't mean straight back to crime
00:58Oh dear
01:06This place hasn't even had a coat of paint since I was here last, you know that?
01:10Oppressive, innit?
01:12Makes you feel guilty before you walk in, innit?
01:14Liable to admit to all sorts of crimes you never even committed, you know what I mean?
01:22Same old magazines I see
01:24The British Felon
01:26The Safe Crackers Weekly
01:28Just a joke
01:30Well you've got to, innit you
01:32Ain't you?
01:34Oh alright
01:36Yeah
01:38And you two before me
01:40Still, I'm used to biding me time
01:42So are you, innit you
01:44I mean the first thing they tell you when you come out on parole, they say
01:48Keep away from bad company
01:50And they stick me out here for an hour with a couple of villains like you
01:52And it's the one place you're guaranteed bad company, innit, eh?
01:56What makes you think we're bad company?
01:58Well, come off it mate
01:59I mean you're in here for a start, innit you, eh?
02:02Besides which I know the criminal mentality
02:04Certain signs
02:06I mean you're a couple of hard lads, innit you, eh?
02:09Taciturn
02:10You know what I mean?
02:11GBH
02:12Assault with the deadly weapons written all over you, innit?
02:15We're here to give a quote on the decorating
02:25Well, assault with the deadly distemple brush then
02:31Mr Fletcher?
02:32Yeah?
02:33I won't keep you a minute
02:39Sit down please
02:41Thank you
02:42Mrs Chapman, Mrs Shirley Chapman
02:44Howdy do
02:46Suppose you want this, will you?
02:47My dog license
02:48Your parole license
02:49Well, same difference, innit?
02:51You got us on a leash, haven't you?
02:53There are certain conditions of parole you're expected to comply with
02:56If you don't like it, you can go back in and finish your porridge
02:59No, no, no, I'll go along with whatever you say
03:01In your case it's not too difficult
03:03You report weekly to me
03:04You stay out of the company you previously mixed with
03:06And as soon as possible you start the gainful employment
03:08Which you guaranteed as part of your application for parole
03:11Oh yeah, the job
03:12Now, there might be a bit of a problem now
03:13Problem?
03:14Yeah, well, you see
03:15Isabel, my old lady, she fixed me up with that job, you see
03:17Er, the cardboard box factory
03:19That's right, on the North Circular, yeah
03:20Well, she was very friendly with this owner, you see
03:23Jessop, Reg Jessop
03:24You see, and he was the man who offered me the gainful employment line
03:27Yes, I know, I have his letter on the file
03:28Yeah, well, since then, you see, in the intervening time since that letter
03:32The friendship between him and my missus has sort of, well, it's blossomed, you know
03:36Blossomed?
03:37Yeah, yeah
03:38Or to put it another way, they now live together
03:41Live together?
03:43Yeah, live together, yes, yes, both at once, you know what I mean
03:46Cohabit, I think is the phrase in it
03:48And there's no way that I'm gonna work for a man called Reg who is shacked up with my old lady
03:52But this is terrible, I had to submit your home circumstances report to endorse your application for parole
03:58Yeah?
03:59In which I stated that those home circumstances were stable
04:02Oh yes, they are stable, but the horse has bolted
04:06Or in this case, the old mayor
04:08Mind you, give Isabel credit where credit is due, she didn't let on and mess up my parole, did she?
04:13But the two most important factors in obtaining parole are A, marriage and B, employment
04:18Yeah
04:19Here you are out and I find you have neither
04:21Yeah, well, yeah, put it like that, I suppose that is true, yeah, yeah
04:24Well, this puts me in a most embarrassing position
04:27Doesn't do me a lot of good either, does it?
04:30I mean, it's a lot worse for me, ain't it, girl, eh?
04:33My life's in ruins all around me, ain't it?
04:35You don't seem particularly devastated
04:37And I suppose you knew well in advance
04:39Me?
04:40No, no, no, no
04:41No, bombshell
04:42Bombshell
04:43It would take me a long time to get over it
04:44If I ever do
04:45What I really need is a sort of period of readjustment, I think, by the sea or something like that, you know
04:52Mr Fletcher, we have a practical problem here
04:54Your wife supported your home and family while you were in prison
04:57Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, she had a good job, yeah, yeah
04:59As, er, manageress of a dry cleaner's, wasn't it?
05:02That's right, yeah, yeah, we were never short coat hangers
05:04Mind you, that was, er, that was before him, rollicking Reg Jessup McCartney
05:11Then I imagine that since him, your wife's salary will not be coming into the house
05:14No, no, no, it won't, no, she don't work anymore now
05:16She lives in the lap of luxury up near Chingford
05:19But you still have a family to support, and the mortgage payments to make
05:23Oh, yeah, well, you see, my two daughters, Ingrid and Marion, they're working, so it's alright
05:26Oh, you're quite content, are you, to be supported by the female members of your family
05:30Well, the trouble is, my son, Raymond, he's still at school, you see, but it is his last term
05:34So he'll be able to chip in with the rest of them
05:38I've had a thought
05:39Oh, yeah?
05:40Is this too outrageous?
05:41What, go on?
05:42You work
05:43You assume some of the responsibilities that others in your family are born all the years you were inside
05:48I intend to work, but I'm just not going to work for my wife's cardboard lover
05:53Fletcher, I don't want to give you a hard time, my job is to help you, why do you think I'm here? For the money
05:59Well, must earn a decent scruder, don't you?
06:01Oh, not when you have a husband and two kids to support
06:06Oh, I see, oh, I see, he sits at home, does he?
06:09Oh, yeah, he's quite apt to live off a woman, is he?
06:11He sits at home because he can't find a job
06:13Well, can't you find him one?
06:15Oh, not in his field
06:16Oh, not in his field, oh, you didn't tell me that, did you? He's a farmer
06:19He is an aerospace engineer
06:23Perhaps that tells you how tough it is out there
06:25That chance I've got of ever getting off the ground in
06:27Well, we'll get you something, and you will take what you can get
06:31All right, all right, all right
06:33I'll, er, I'll check in next week, see if you've found anything, all right?
06:36Unless I get in touch with you before then
06:38Oh, that's no mad rush
06:39Meanwhile, sign on
06:41How are you fixed for cash?
06:42Well, I did have all the money that I'd saved up when I was inside
06:45But I blew that as soon as I got off the train
06:47In a betting shop or a pub?
06:49Neither, as a matter of fact
06:51I've got two bars of fruit and nut out of a slot machine
06:57Hello, Dave
06:59Hello, John
07:00What sort of day have you had?
07:02Any tea in the pot?
07:03No, but you can put the kettle on
07:05No, I don't, ma'am
07:07What sort of day have you had, then?
07:09What time do we eat round here?
07:11Well, I'm going out and Raymond's eaten
07:13But you can always pop down the new takeaway kebab house and get you something
07:17Oh, God
07:18Have the Arabs taken over Muswell Hill as well?
07:22What happened to those, all those nice English traditional Chinese takeaways we used to have?
07:27I thought we'd all have a nice meal in together, you know, all the family-like
07:30Well, with all my plans, Dave
07:32Yeah
07:33I said, what sort of day have you had?
07:35Oh, not bad
07:36I, er, I popped into the White Hart for a swift half
07:41Then I, er, had a pint and a pie in the anchor
07:44Signed on, of course, at the labour
07:46And then I, er, popped in the magpie for a swift half
07:49And then I went down to the old ship for a swift half
07:52En route to the rainbow club
07:55Well, why did you go down the rainbow?
07:57It's all that walking about made me thirsty
07:59Dad, you're not supposed to mix with bad company
08:04I didn't, I sat on my own
08:05Well, down there, you see all your old crowd
08:08There's no old crowd left down there now
08:10They're all inside
08:11Did you see your probation officer?
08:14Yeah, right little tart she is
08:15Yeah, I thought when I met her
08:18When she was compiling her report on your domestic situation
08:21Yeah
08:22She's no fool, I thought
08:23I don't suppose she was taken in for one minute by your broken-hearted act
08:27How can I do a job of work with my life shattered?
08:30My life is shattered
08:32I told her, bombshell it was
08:34Oh, leave it out, Dad
08:35You knew the situation months back
08:37Yeah, but it's only just beginning to hit me now
08:39Coming home here to an empty house without her
08:42No tea in the pot
08:43No dinner in the oven
08:45Ready to play
08:46Oh, bleeding play school now
08:48Yeah
08:49That's all Mum was to your housekeeper
08:52I don't know how she could abandon you kids
08:54I really don't
08:55Abandon?
08:56Abandon?
08:57Well, Scarpa off for that other bloke then
08:59No, Dad, I'm 26
09:01It's been two years since Marion's lived in this house on a regular basis
09:04What about Raymond? He's only a schoolboy, isn't he?
09:06Oh, he just
09:07And let me tell you, Mum did not Scarpa until after Raymond had sat his last day level
09:12See my Led Zeppelin tape?
09:21Oh, don't ask me, Raymond
09:23You leave things all over the place
09:25What time is it?
09:27Ten-two
09:28See my bicycle pump?
09:30It's in the lab, though God knows why
09:33How are you, son? How's it going? All right?
09:35I can't shake off this guitar
09:37Ingrid, you see my extendable steel tape measure?
09:40Oh, do you really need it this moment, Raymond?
09:43No
09:46What time is it?
09:47Ten-two
09:49Hmm
09:51I'm late, then
10:01Thought he'd get his A-level in, lethargy
10:03He's quite bright, academically
10:09Oh, yeah
10:10He seems to lack something
10:12Charm, I think it is
10:14Yeah, that's what his school report said
10:17Bright but surly
10:18Bright?
10:19Needs a new battery, if you ask me
10:21You know, since I've come out, he's hardly exchanged two words with me
10:24Well, being the youngest, Dad, he's seen the least of you over the years
10:27So?
10:28Well, maybe he's not quite sure who you are and he's afraid to ask
10:31Listen, he has withdrawn into his shell because his mum's left him, that's why
10:37Dad, Mum owes this family nothing
10:39The reason this family's intact, the reason we've got what we have is all down to Mum
10:43We're all grown up now, and she's got a chance to snatch a few years' comfort and luxury
10:48Oh, I see, comfort and luxury, that's what she wants, is it?
10:51Don't we all?
10:52Well, I am here to provide that
10:54Good, well, you can start with the garden
10:56Huh?
10:57No one's touched it for years, it's like the Matto Grosso out there
10:59The Matto what?
11:00The Matto Grosso
11:01Oh, Grosso, it's a deep, impenetrable jungle
11:04The world about us, BBC Two
11:06Listen, I am not here, I am not here to cultivate and carve me away from the bleeding jungle, am I?
11:13I am here to provide the luxuries that this family has not got
11:16Huh, on what you draw from the labour?
11:18Now, listen to me, nifty knickers
11:20Don't look at what I'm doing, please
11:22Just sit down there and listen to me, will you?
11:25Now, look, my motto has always been, it pays to plan ahead, to put something aside for a rainy day, right?
11:31Oh, blast, I've broken now
11:33Listen to me, will you?
11:34Ow!
11:35Sorry, Dad
11:36Now, look, I'm trying to tell you that, unbeknownst to you, a long time ago, I put aside a little nest egg
11:43Against the future, which is now the present
11:46Did you?
11:47Yes, I did, so we're all gonna be alright, see? Forget it
11:50Wait, you mean like post office savings, a building society, something like that?
11:56No, no, not exactly like that, no
11:59My particular nest egg is, er, well, it's buried in a turnip field in Essex
12:06Well, wouldn't it have been safer in a bank?
12:08No, it was a bank it come out of
12:11A bank? Solem, Mummy
12:14Keep your voice down, will you, Raymond
12:17So that's why you've had no anxieties about getting a job?
12:21So this is the going straight we keep hearing about
12:24I am gonna go straight
12:25Ha!
12:26Listen, that money is a legacy
12:28That is just a few thousand, a few thousand quid
12:31As a cushion against the harsh realities of life
12:33Which I don't intend to foist upon this family
12:35This family don't need it, Dad, this family have got by without it
12:38Listen, I wanna buy you things, don't I?
12:40Your mum might come back if she thought I got more than promises to offer her
12:43No, she won't
12:46All Mum ever wanted, all any of us ever wanted, was an honest wage in this house
12:50Not a dishonest cushion
12:53Look, I intend to earn an honest wage, don't I?
12:56But it's not bleeding easy when you've got a record
12:58No, it's not easy
12:59But I know someone who done it
13:00Who?
13:01Leonard
13:02Leonard
13:03Lenny then
13:05Young Gobba
13:07You seeing him, are ya?
13:09We keep in touch
13:10Oh yeah
13:11And he's doing alright
13:13Even though he's got a job he don't like much
13:15He's prepared to take the wrath of the smooth
13:17What is he, a French polisher?
13:18No, Dad, he's got a driving job
13:22Heavy goods
13:24You can do better than him, you know
13:27I'm the judge of that
13:29Alright
13:30Alright then, when do you see him?
13:32When I can
13:33Oh yeah
13:34Well who are you titivating yourself up to night for then, eh?
13:37Doing your nails and doing your hair and ironing your dress, eh?
13:40Leonard
13:41Oh, he's in London, is he?
13:44Yeah
13:45He's upstairs having a shave
13:47He's what?
13:49He's on Fletch
13:50Good to see ya
13:51Welcome home
13:52Took me a while finding ya?
14:06I told him good I was going down a local
14:08Yeah, you've got 20 locals
14:10Cheers
14:14Had a shave, have ya?
14:15Yeah
14:16You used one of my blades, did ya?
14:18Oh, come on, Fletch, we're not inside now, nothing now.
14:22You obviously did, then.
14:24As a matter of fact, I used one of Raymond's.
14:26Oh, he shaved, does he?
14:27Only just.
14:28Well, of course, you would know, being a resident in my house.
14:31Only twice a week. I still live in Brum.
14:32Oh, yeah, twice a week.
14:34I'll bet you pocket the bed and board that, don't you?
14:36I need every penny I can get.
14:37Yeah.
14:40Ingrid's upset.
14:42Why?
14:44You know.
14:46Do I?
14:47Yeah.
14:47Why?
14:48You know.
14:50Look, you keep saying she's upset, I'm asking you. Why?
14:53Because of your nest edge.
14:56She told you?
14:58Yeah, well, I knew anyway.
14:59How the hell?
15:00Well, you told me once inside.
15:02I never talk about that.
15:04I think you'd had one too many.
15:05One too many what?
15:07Prune vodkas.
15:10I don't remember.
15:11A few people do after your prune vodkas.
15:16I thought you were going straight.
15:17I am.
15:18Straight to that turnip field in Essex.
15:20Oh, come on, Fletch.
15:22Listen, that nest egg is a legacy, that's all.
15:24It is to enable me to get on the right financial footing to start with.
15:28I've paid my dues.
15:29Not for this job, you ain't.
15:30Academic.
15:31All right, so you go and dig it up, then you come down here, it's doubles in the bar, it's
15:35new washing machine, down payment on a new courtier.
15:37Oh, don't be daft.
15:38I wasn't born yesterday, I'm not going to sling it around like Jack the Land, am I?
15:41Well, it's not much use to you then, is it?
15:42Look, shove off you, will you?
15:47I mean, no worry.
15:48You will be if I kick you through that door.
15:52Man who strikes first blow admits his arguments have run out.
15:54Chinese proverb.
15:55Man with fist in mouth cannot no longer give lip, muzzle, ill father.
16:04Look, how can you say you're going straight and then start life on the proceeds of illicit
16:08gain?
16:08I mean, forget about the money, Fletch.
16:10Your family don't want that.
16:11My family don't want me at all, it would appear.
16:14My son Raymond ignores me.
16:16All he's interested in is his extendable tape measure and his bicycle pump.
16:21My daughter Marion, she hasn't been to see me yet.
16:23She phones me up to say hello and reverse the charges.
16:27And as for my daughter Ingrid, she has taken up with some poncy long-distance lorry driver
16:31named Leonard.
16:33They still love you, Fletch.
16:35Yeah.
16:36Like my old lady loves me.
16:39Heard it's living up in the lap of luxury with old Jessup, the box maker.
16:42She knows which side her cardboard's buttered.
16:46Well, they still care, Fletch.
16:47I mean, I know.
16:48I know because, well, I know I'm better than what you do now.
16:51Oh, you reckon, do you?
16:52Yeah, well, I know they love you.
16:54It's their respect I'd like, Len.
16:55You know what I mean?
16:56Their respect.
16:58Funny thing, I had respect in the nick.
17:01I always knew where I stood.
17:02And all the people around me.
17:05Plecious little respect out here, though.
17:07Standing in the doll queues or trying to work the Paddington parcels.
17:10It's money.
17:11Money is independence.
17:12Money is respect.
17:12You know that?
17:13You can look the world in the face and say,
17:15I up my income, now up yours.
17:16Well, I thought you had more bottle than that.
17:23More bottle than what?
17:24More bottle than what you've apparently got.
17:26Look, I'm beholden to you, Fletcher.
17:28I owe you a lot for what you did for me when I was inside
17:30and the encouragement Ingrid's given me since I've come out.
17:33And I'm not going to stand by and see you ruin their lives and yours.
17:36Forget about the money, Fletch.
17:38It's not worth it.
17:38You what?
17:39Look, just try it, will you?
17:40Try it.
17:50All right.
17:52All right.
17:55Promise?
17:56Look, I've said all right.
17:58If I say I'll try, I will try.
18:09Hello, Dad.
18:14What?
18:15What are you doing with that spade?
18:17Spade?
18:18What spade?
18:19The one in your hands.
18:22Oh.
18:23Oh, that spade.
18:24Yeah.
18:24Yeah, that gleamy new spade, what matches the gleam in your eye?
18:29Well, I just bought it.
18:30What's wrong with that?
18:31Spades dig things up.
18:33Yeah.
18:34Well, I'm going to start working on the garden, aren't I?
18:39Oh, God.
19:05Look, what is this?
19:06Flaming surveillance?
19:09Hey, my love.
19:16Hey, he's done a heck of a good job on this garden.
19:18Yeah, he never stopped.
19:20Where is he now?
19:21He's gone down the chemist to get something for his blisters.
19:25Hey, you don't think he might...
19:25No, no, it's all right.
19:27Raymond's tailing him.
19:28Yeah, how long can we keep this up?
19:30You know, just keeping an eye on him all the time, following him about.
19:33Well, it's all we can do.
19:35We've got to save him from himself.
19:36Here, do you have to go back tonight?
19:43Well, I should, really.
19:46Unless I go back first thing.
19:49I think you should, don't you?
19:50Here, you don't really think he brought that spade to dig the garden, do you?
20:03No.
20:03Right, never mind all that.
20:27Hello, Fetch.
20:30I'll hand him, will you?
20:32Do you want a cup of tea, Dad?
20:33Oh, yeah, time.
20:36I'll get you in that one.
20:39Is that your lorry outside?
20:40Yeah.
20:41You'd better get cracking on it, then.
20:43It's got 12 punctures.
20:46I don't have to be back at work till 8 o'clock tomorrow.
20:49Meaning?
20:50He's staying the night.
20:53Oh, yeah.
20:54On that, you are, then.
20:55Where else?
20:56See my earphones?
21:06No, sorry, Raymond, I haven't.
21:09What time is it?
21:1110-2.
21:14I missed it, then.
21:18Then you shouldn't have accompany me to the shop, should you?
21:21Did you notice?
21:22Did I notice?
21:23I thought I took advantage in a natural cover.
21:27What, standing behind them lampposts?
21:31Your ear's stuck out by the side.
21:32I know what you're all doing.
21:35It's pathetic.
21:37Not up to nothing, Dad.
21:39Yes, you are.
21:39Yeah, what have you done with your day, then, Fletch?
21:41Me?
21:41Oh, I've had a lovely day.
21:42I have.
21:42I've been digging a garden all the morning.
21:44Then I got a fish cake for me dinner.
21:46Then I went down to the shoe repairers.
21:47It's all in his report there, the bionic man.
21:49Well, what did you get out of the shoe shop for, then, Dad?
21:54Your shoes is all right.
21:55Well, when I come out of Nick, you see, among my personal possessions was this little shoe
21:58repairer's ticket, you see?
21:59It said, Brown Brogue, Sold and Hield.
22:01Well, that was nine, four years ago.
22:03Did you think they'd still be there?
22:05Well, you know, there was no harm, was there?
22:07I was passing.
22:08What did they say?
22:09Said they'd be ready Thursday.
23:40Dad!
23:43Dad!
23:48He's gone.
23:52He's took my lorry.
23:54What am I going to do, Lenny?
23:55What are you going to do?
23:56What am I going to do?
23:57I've got to be back in Brum by eight o'clock tomorrow.
24:04Well, you shouldn't have left that jacket down there with those keys in it.
24:08Oh, I knew it'd be my fault.
24:10Tell you what.
24:11Ring the police and report your lorry stolen, and the chances are they'll apprehend him before
24:15he gets to Essex.
24:16That's a lot of use for a bloke who's on parole, isn't it?
24:22What time is it?
24:23Five o'clock, go to bed.
24:29What's going on?
24:30It's your dad.
24:31He's given us the slip.
24:33Yeah, he took my lorry.
24:34He's gone to dig it up, Lenny, see.
24:35It's exactly what we didn't want to happen.
24:39It's criminal.
24:40It's immoral.
24:41I'll never want to speak to him again.
24:43I want nothing more to do with him.
24:45Still, you might get away with it.
24:48Even if he does?
24:51No, but if he does...
24:53What?
24:55I want a motorbike.
25:05I want a motorbike.
25:35One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
25:5245, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51.
26:05Fifty-two, fifty-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred.
26:17What do you want?
26:19What?
26:19I said, what do you want? Who are you?
26:21Any gardening required.
26:24Want your grass cut or anything?
26:27Or crazy paving straightened up, I do all that, you know.
26:30You can make a start digging the hole for my lily pond, if you like.
26:33Oh, nice, lily pond, is it?
26:34Yeah.
26:35Like to follow me? I'll show you where I want to put it.
26:41Wouldn't rather have it just here, would you?
26:48Well, all I can say is, thank heavens, we wasn't going to speak to you again.
26:52You got Lenny into trouble.
26:53I didn't know I was going to be so long, didn't I?
26:55Go on, get the sack, will it then?
26:56No, I rang up and said I'd broken down.
26:58They said, get it fixed and bring a load up tonight.
27:00Yeah.
27:00Oh, it was right there, right there beneath me.
27:03Could only have been a few feet under.
27:05God.
27:06Here, I know.
27:08We could settle this house and buy theirs, couldn't we?
27:10And have you digging up the floors of each room one by one?
27:13Well, save over him, wouldn't it?
27:16Hey, you could have a lawn instead of a carpet, then you wouldn't over it, you'd mow it.
27:20All right, all right.
27:21Probably been found by now anyway.
27:24Oh.
27:25Well, when they built the estate.
27:27There's probably a couple of Irish drain layers living in the lap of luxury in Palmer by now.
27:30Well, if they have, it's probably ruined their lives too much too soon.
27:35Anyway, Dad, one bit of good news today.
27:37Oh, yeah?
27:37Your probation officer rang.
27:39Yeah?
27:40And she's got you a job already.
27:42Well, fancy that.
27:43What sort of job?
27:44Well, it's with the council, you know, local government.
27:47What sort of job?
27:50Down Wilmslow Road.
27:53What are the council doing down Wilmslow Road?
27:56Digging it up.
27:57I'm going straight, oh, I am straight as an arrow.
28:16I've paid the price and done me time.
28:19I'm going straight, oh, I am straight and narrow.
28:26And I don't think straight's bad to crime.
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