- 2 months ago
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00:00Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court,
00:08and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
00:10You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard
00:15and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.
00:19We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offenses.
00:24You will go to prison for five years.
00:30Let's go!
00:34Oh, shame on it.
01:00What's the matter?
01:03I dropped a stitch.
01:05Oh, is something wrong, Fletcher?
01:08Of course, something's wrong. The old flaming job's wrong, isn't it?
01:11Grown men sitting here eight hours a day sewing flaming fishing nets.
01:14Can you think of anything more demeaning or indignified?
01:17Mailbags. It's a step up from mailbags.
01:20This isn't a job. It's a punishment.
01:22Everybody in this room's been punished because we haven't been good little boys.
01:25Yeah, listen, Fletcher. It's a pity you lost that cushy job on a farm.
01:28I mean, fresh air, free eggs every day.
01:30What do you mean, free eggs? More than half a dozen, mate.
01:33I knew you were pilfering eggs.
01:35Yes, well, as young McLaren says here, we're all being punished for it, haven't we?
01:39What chance has a man got, eh, when all the forces of the establishment are lying against him, eh?
01:43Oh, no, Fletcher, you've been in prison long enough to know the score.
01:47You've broken the rules, you've upset Mr Mackay, and you must accept the consequences.
01:51Yeah, I thought you were going to appeal to the Governor on my behalf, Mr Barracoff.
01:54Oh, the Governor's got no time for you, Fletcher.
01:56No, he's very disappointed in you, just as I am.
01:59Yeah, it's all right, Mr Barracoff, all right.
02:01We know the public is wreaking its revenge on them that never had a chance in the first place.
02:05I mean, look at him there. You never had a chance, did you?
02:07I'm kind of used to enter.
02:09Well, he's being punished, just as you are.
02:11I don't know. What did he do, then?
02:12Spoilt the stinking soup.
02:14He spoilt the soup?
02:16He spoilt the soup, and for that he's doing the penance.
02:19Well, what chance have any of us gone?
02:20I'd say.
02:21Now, that is not the whole truth, as you well know, MacLaro.
02:23You spoilt the soup because you held a prison officer's head under it for two minutes.
02:27Oh!
02:28Well...
02:29You see, you tried to drown that prison officer.
02:32It was a vicious and unprovoked attack.
02:34Tried to drown?
02:35He come and asked for it.
02:37You could have severely scorded him.
02:39No, you couldn't.
02:40Not with the soup we get in this nick, mate.
02:42Wouldn't burn a baby's bottom with that, could you, eh?
02:45Poison him?
02:46No, it's a different matter.
02:47You could have poisoned him, yeah.
02:48Hey, what sort of soup was he?
02:50Mixed vegetables.
02:51Oh!
02:53I bet he was livid with all them bits of barley and carrot up his nose.
02:57It's not funny.
02:58No, that's why we're laughing, that's why.
03:00No, no.
03:01This was a vicious and unprovoked attack, and that is why MacLaren is here.
03:04And from your attitude, it is quite plain to see why you are here.
03:07Oh, I see, yes. Well...
03:08Oh, well, yes, I see, yes.
03:09I was provoked, anyway.
03:10Of course you was, my son.
03:11He called me a black bastard.
03:13Oh?
03:14Now, if that was true, if he really said that, you could have gone straight to the government.
03:18Ah, fat chance.
03:19I mean, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on, technically, would he?
03:21I mean, technically, the facts as stated by the prison officer were not wholly inaccurate,
03:25were they?
03:26Being as how he is, A, Negroid, and B, illegitimate.
03:29Oh, that's the way he said it.
03:30Yeah.
03:31That is enough talking, all of you.
03:32There is work to be done.
03:33Work?
03:34Huh.
03:35Knitting string vests for hippopotamuses.
03:36Look at that.
03:37I bet it's don't fit me when I've finished it, you know.
03:42I liked it in Cerise and all, really.
03:45They're very cunning, though, aren't they, eh?
03:47They know we're not gonna make a shoddy job with this, otherwise we'd be screwing up the
03:50brave fishermen of England, wouldn't we, eh?
03:52Make a couple of balls too many in this, they'd come back with half a ton of cod short, wouldn't
03:55they?
03:56And the price of fish fingers would rock it.
03:59Not to mention cob pieces.
04:01With mailbags, it's different, you see, doesn't matter how shoddy you are with mailbags,
04:04it just helps your mates to rob the mailtrains, doesn't it?
04:07One only has to listen to you for a couple of minutes, Fletcher, to know your type.
04:12You know, when you first came in here, I...
04:15Well, I had high hopes for you, I won't deny it.
04:18But it has to be said, you are surly and hostile.
04:22Well, that's prison, isn't it, eh?
04:23Years of prison hardens amounts, well known, isn't it?
04:25We've only been here six weeks.
04:27Look, I'm not surly and hostile, so much as resentful, that's all, Mr. Barracall.
04:31I mean, when I first came in here, I thought between the two of us there was going to be
04:34some sort of rapport, you know what I mean?
04:36Oh, yes, I know what you mean.
04:38Yes, you thought I was going to be in your pocket, is that the term for it?
04:42What a terrible thing to say.
04:43What a terrible thing to say!
04:45Just because I asked for a few little favours, that's all, in themselves they would have been meaningless,
04:49they would have just made life that bit more tolerable, that's all.
04:52Oh, yes, yes.
04:53Your little favours were to include getting you a new cell with a window facing south-west,
04:57not to mention the extra blankets and a bit of carpet.
05:00Your own special soap, yes, extra tobacco.
05:03And what else was it now?
05:05Carpet slippers, set of darts, roll of soft toilet paper and a lump of Kendall mint tank.
05:10No need to exaggerate, I said you needn't bother with the darts if you was pushed, didn't I?
05:15Now, Luke Fletcher, I haven't forgotten that you've given me some very valuable advice, domestically speaking.
05:25Don't think that Mrs. Barretlough and I don't appreciate it, because we do.
05:29But I'm damned if I'm going to let you treat me like a glorified Batman.
05:32I'm not talking about your marital problems, though one cannot help but reflect that there have been certain changes in your old lady's attitude of late.
05:40How do you know that?
05:41Oh, little things. Your general demeanour in the mornings.
05:45Certain spring in your step.
05:47That certain smile that plays round your lips when you're telling us to slop out.
05:51What certain smile?
05:53The smile of a man who's getting his oats.
05:58You just get on with your work now.
06:00Can you deny it?
06:01Look, I've said ungrateful.
06:02Well, I don't want your gratitude. Thanks very much, Mr. Barretlough. I'm fed up with it.
06:05I've learnt my lesson. It's down on us.
06:07Now, if you will excuse me, I have to return to my knitting.
06:11Getting all behind like the cow's tail as it is talking to you.
06:14If I'm not very careful, I shan't get my full 60p this week.
06:1760p a week, eh?
06:19Oh, net profit. Look at it.
06:21Well, I suppose it's...
06:23I suppose it's just about enough to cover the cost of a jar of winter green ointment.
06:27Because all my money goes on medicaments, you know.
06:29Because I've never been a well man.
06:31I've always been a parade of lumbago and rheumatics.
06:33All them illnesses which are aggravated by having a cold, draughty cell that faces north-east.
06:38Not enough blankets.
06:39Cold concrete floor and no carpet slippers.
06:44I see what I can do about the blankets.
06:45No, no, no, no, no. I don't want nothing from you or no-one. Nothing.
06:48Nothing, nothing, nothing.
06:51Well, there is one thing if you insist.
06:53But it's only a minor thing.
06:55Yes, sir. What thing?
06:56I want a job in the library.
06:58Oh, dear.
07:04Oh.
07:05I hope the flaming fishermen of England appreciate me.
07:09Oh, dear.
07:10I shall never play the arp score again.
07:13I doubt if this will even be able to wipe me own nose.
07:18To the hell!
07:19Oh, sorry, son. Sorry.
07:20Can't you watch where you're carrying going, Fletcher?
07:22I said I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise you.
07:25Watch it.
07:26I will, yes. I don't want no bother, son, because I'm not a well man, see.
07:29I don't want no trouble with you, McLaren.
07:34Listen to me, you.
07:37I know you're a hard case, we all know that.
07:40We all know you're full of nasty militant feelings,
07:42but if you ever talk to me again like that,
07:44I'm going to twist your head round like a cork in a bottle of Bosley, all right?
07:48I'm going to pull it off and give it to that puffin' B-ring to keep his wigs on, yes?
07:56And are we sorry?
07:57Yes, we are, Fletcher.
07:58All right.
07:59Don't lie about that, then. Get up.
08:03You got any snout?
08:04No.
08:06Some under that pillow. Help yourself.
08:18Hang on.
08:19Here's your things.
08:21You're your own worst enemy, you know that, son?
08:23Oh, yeah.
08:24Sit down.
08:29Of course, we all know you haven't had it easy,
08:31being black with a Scottish father.
08:33That's a bit of an unfortunate mix, isn't it, eh?
08:35Yeah.
08:36Of course, it's the Scottish side which brings out all that aggression in you,
08:38you know that, don't you?
08:39Has it?
08:40Oh, yes. Well, now.
08:41Subdues your basic West Indian personality, doesn't it?
08:44Which is one of exuberant high spirits, isn't it?
08:46All them carnival bands and steel bands, all that.
08:48All that, lordy, lordy, all that.
08:49Yeah.
08:50I mean, they only have to have a boundary, a test match, don't they?
08:53Start a firework this way, don't they?
08:55I'd never set foot in the West Indies.
08:57No.
08:58I was born in Greenock.
08:59Or at least found.
09:01Some cop had found me up an alley
09:03where he wrapped up in the Glasgow Herald.
09:05Yeah.
09:06Well, I did admit you hadn't had it easy, didn't I?
09:08Never knew my father.
09:10Ma that didn't he want me.
09:11Flamin' orphanage.
09:12And I'm black with a Scottish accent.
09:14What do you want may be Fletcher?
09:16Happy-go-bloody-lucky.
09:17Well, it could be worse, son, couldn't it?
09:18Could it?
09:22No, I don't suppose it could, really.
09:25Still, you don't want to let that illegitimate bit worry you.
09:28I mean, a lot of famous people was illegitimate, you know.
09:31Oh, yeah, royalty, you know.
09:32William Conquer, now, he was illegitimate.
09:34Uh, Leonardo da Vinci.
09:36Uh, Lawrence of Arabia.
09:38Napper Wainwright.
09:40Who's Napper Wainwright?
09:42He was a screw-up Brixton.
09:43Mind you, he was a bastard, he was.
09:47But, you see, it's not a stigma any more nowadays, is it?
09:50I mean, being married, it's out of fashion now.
09:52I mean, all these trendsetters, these glamour people, you know.
09:55You know, pop stars, television personalities.
09:57All their kids is born out of wedlock, you know.
09:59Oh, yeah.
10:00In a few years' time, being illegitimate, you'd all be very fashionable.
10:03Much as homosexual is at the moment.
10:05Oh, yeah.
10:06In fact, come to think of it, being an illegitimate black poof
10:08is about as chic as you can get.
10:11No, you're not.
10:12Nobody says anything about it.
10:14Now, you're flying off the handle.
10:15See what I mean?
10:16Home worst enemy, ain't ya?
10:17Come the hard man, where does it get ya?
10:20I've got my pride.
10:21Oh, pride, is it now?
10:22Oh, pride.
10:23Right.
10:24We ain't got any privacy in here, have we?
10:25Where's a man's pride if you ain't got no privacy, eh?
10:28You've just got to learn to turn the other cheek.
10:30That's awesome.
10:31Yes, sir.
10:32No, sir.
10:33Three bags, four.
10:34That makes me sick to my guts.
10:36Listen, sonny Jim.
10:38Sonny Jock.
10:41Look, I'll give you a for instance.
10:44You're belting along in a restricted area, in your car,
10:48and the police stop you, right?
10:49What do you do?
10:50You sit there in the car and say,
10:51What's his game?
10:52What's his game?
10:53What's he doing?
10:54Why's he stopping me, eh?
10:55And you get out, and you really have a go at him, don't you?
10:57Eh?
10:58Cause you're not gonna take no stick from no jumped up young copper
11:00who's been watching too many Z cars, right?
11:02In other words, you go at him really strong.
11:04Where's it get ya?
11:05A night in the cooler, 50 pound fine, and your licence endorsed.
11:09All they stopped you for was to tell you your rear light was wonky.
11:12Don't see the point.
11:14The point is, if you got out all smarmy and subservient,
11:18what constable?
11:19My offside rear?
11:20Oh, my word, constable.
11:21What a blessing you boys in blue are so diligent.
11:24See?
11:25And what's that cost ya?
11:26Nothing.
11:27Except a bit of pride.
11:28And possibly two tickets for the policeman's ball.
11:31Which, with any luck, won't be a dance, it'll be a raffle.
11:35You obviously had no reason to hate them all at me.
11:39I hate them all.
11:41They even read letters from my girlfriend.
11:43Oh, yeah?
11:44Passionate, aren't they?
11:46I cannae enjoy them if I feel that lot's read them already.
11:49It's no right.
11:51Course it ain't right, son, no.
11:52Course it ain't, but they still do it, don't they?
11:54Oh, yeah, we've all had that.
11:56Yeah, I was in Brixton once.
11:58I'd done this duel, as you see, at Suffolk,
12:01but they caught me, but they hadn't got the stuff,
12:03but you know what I mean, ain't I, see?
12:05So there I am, I'm reminding Brixton.
12:07So I writes a letter to my old lady, Isabel,
12:09and I says, how sorry I am to be done yet again.
12:12And then I said, as I'm not going to be around to provide for you this winter,
12:17and you're going to be a bit short,
12:18why don't you plant your own vegetables?
12:20I suggest you dig in the back garden as soon as possible.
12:23Next morning, there was 12 policemen around there with shovels,
12:26the devious nerve.
12:27Did they find the stuff?
12:29Oh, no, no, they didn't find out.
12:30That was in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe.
12:32It was just my way of getting a garden dug over for Isabel.
12:37I mean, why should she have to do it
12:38when there's 12 great big nosy coppers with spades?
12:41Oh, pardon the expression.
12:45I didn't knock, yeah.
12:48We had some lovely sprouting broccoli for Christmas dinner, I remember.
12:51Then I tried it on again.
12:53I suggested she swept all the chimneys out, but they didn't buy that.
12:56I see your point.
12:58You beat them at their own game.
13:00Yeah, subtle, you know.
13:02Subtle.
13:03Certainly more subtle than sticking a screw's head in the soup of the day, isn't it?
13:08Next time I'll wait till it's pea soup.
13:10Drown quicker in pea soup.
13:11It's thicker.
13:12Maybe semolina pudding.
13:15Semolina pudding.
13:19How long are you in for, son?
13:21Three years.
13:22Three years.
13:23It's gonna be more like ten the way you're going on, you know.
13:25Now, remission's all accounts.
13:26Getting out of here.
13:27I used to be like you once.
13:30Not odd, but leery, you know.
13:33Knew it all.
13:34Hmm.
13:35I want out now.
13:36And your time would come a damn sight quicker if you was learned.
13:39Just turn the other cheek.
13:41That's right.
13:42I'm not as bad as people make out, you know.
13:44I haven't hit a screw for three months.
13:46No, that's true.
13:47You haven't actually hit one, no.
13:48But apart from a soup incident, you've tripped one down a flight of stairs,
13:52locked one in a deep freeze,
13:54hit one in the ghoulies with a football.
13:57Oh, and put a double dose of cascara in the Padre's cocoa.
14:01Well, I got a lot of pleasure out of that.
14:03Yeah.
14:04And a lot of solitary confinement and all, didn't you, eh?
14:06Hmm.
14:07Not as much as the Padre got, mind you.
14:11He was shut in the bog all week, wasn't he?
14:15Yeah, come out all week and all.
14:19And a welfare officer wants me to see a psychiatrist.
14:22Observation light.
14:23He thinks I need psychiatric help.
14:26Would you mind that?
14:27Course not.
14:28I'd be crazy to turn it down, eh?
14:30Oh, cushy hospital.
14:32Better grub.
14:33Soft bed.
14:34Yeah.
14:35When are you going to see him then?
14:36I'm not.
14:37The governor wouldn't wear it, would he?
14:38Said he knew my sort.
14:39That I was trying it on.
14:40Yes, you see, he's a lot shrewder than we give him credit for that old Mr Venables,
14:45isn't he, eh?
14:46Yeah.
14:47That's my problem at the moment, you know.
14:48Yeah, I was trying to ingratiate myself back into his good books because I've lost a lot of ground in the credibility stakes down myself.
14:55Ah.
14:56Well, eh, thanks, Fletch-like.
14:58There's been more use than talking to the welfare officer.
15:01Turn the other cheeks on.
15:02I'll try.
15:03I know you're right and principle-like.
15:05For your own good.
15:06You're straight, you are, Fletcher.
15:08A bloke can trust you.
15:09Don't forget your things.
15:11Oh, thanks, Fletch.
15:12Hey, where's my orange?
15:14Did it roll outside on the floor?
15:17No, it's not there.
15:19Ah, someone's out there.
15:20Bunch of criminals in here, you know.
15:22All right, then heck, yeah.
15:23All right.
15:24Ta-ra, Fletch.
15:25Mind how you're going.
15:27See you.
15:31The pyramids are gross, you know.
15:36Oh, what do you say?
15:37Your boots are bigger than your belly.
15:40Come on, come on.
15:42You've got the belt.
15:43George!
15:44Don't look.
15:45I'm young.
15:46I'm young.
15:47Give us a hand, Tony.
15:53Get off.
15:54Get there, Tony.
15:55I can't do that.
15:56Come on, come on, Maclaren.
16:00No, Maclaren, get off.
16:01But ref, do you see what he's done?
16:02Get off, Maclaren, Maclaren.
16:03That's in my fault.
16:04Get off the party, Maclaren.
16:06Go on, sling it.
16:08I'll see you, lad.
16:09Oh, he's got a lot of talent, that lad, you know.
16:13But this is the third sending off in four games,
16:16if I mean suspension.
16:17He's his own worst enemy, isn't he?
16:20You know, that lad needs help.
16:26Maybe I'm the one to help him.
16:31Oh, if that's for me, tell him I'll ring back with you.
16:36No, no, no, it's Maclaren, is he?
16:38Maclaren, what's he done, gone over the wall, has he?
16:40No, no, no, he's up on the roof.
16:41Look, he won't come down.
16:42Oh, yeah?
16:43No, he's threatening to chuck himself over
16:44unless we answer his demands.
16:45Oh.
16:46You know, it gets a prisoner of bad name, does this, you know.
16:49If we don't get him down, sir, we'll be on news at 10.
16:51Oh, yeah.
16:52Yeah, then, Panorama, work.
16:55Then Panorama, world in action.
16:57Probably finish up as a six-part serial in the Sunday Times,
16:59taking the lid off the penal system.
17:01It unsettles the men, does this, you know.
17:03Oh, yes, yes.
17:04They'll all be banging soon, won't they, eh?
17:06Playing the anvil chorus on the radiators.
17:08I should think you'll have a full-scale riot on your hands by tea time.
17:11Oh, no, hang about.
17:12What's today?
17:13Thursday.
17:14Oh, no, Thursday.
17:15It won't riot on the Thursday.
17:16It's a good tea on the Thursday, isn't it?
17:17Cauliflower cheese, eh?
17:18You take nothing seriously, do you, Fletcher?
17:21No.
17:22A man's life at state to say nothing of the reputation of Slade Prison.
17:25Oh, yes.
17:26We don't want to lose our goodwill, do we?
17:27Otherwise, we won't get any bookings for next season.
17:31Your flippancy is in very bad taste at a time like this, Fletcher.
17:35How are they trying to get him down, then?
17:37Well, the Padre's trying to talk him down through a megaphone.
17:40The Padre?
17:41Is he sober?
17:42The pubs are just shutting, eh?
17:45Well, he's not alone.
17:46He's got the welfare officer with him, Mr. Gillespie.
17:48What does he know?
17:49He's just come out of university, hasn't he?
17:51He's got no experience at a practical, has he?
17:54He's probably still thumbing through his textbooks at this moment,
17:57looking for a chapter on Negro nutters and how to deal with them.
18:01Yes, well, I think you're being a bit hard on Mr. Gillespie.
18:04Yeah, permission to see the Governor, Mr. Barracoff, please?
18:06What, now?
18:07No, no, when this is over, perhaps?
18:08It's about now.
18:09I want to see him.
18:10It's about the lad.
18:11I might be able to help, you see.
18:12What, help McLaren?
18:13Yeah.
18:14Well, are you going to take me, aren't you?
18:16Well, I would if I thought it might help.
18:18You see, Mr. Mackay's in charge.
18:20Oh, well, there you are, then.
18:21Anything's better than leaving to Mr. Mackay, innit?
18:23He'd probably just let the lad jump.
18:26And then jump on him.
18:29Well, in the circumstances, I'm willing to listen to anybody.
18:32But what makes you think you can achieve something we can't, Fletcher?
18:35Do you know something we don't?
18:37Well, I know a little about what makes a lad tick, sir.
18:39I'm not saying you're not a very experienced man in these matters, Mr. Venables,
18:42as indeed is Mr. Mackay here, and the Padre, and Mr. Gillespie.
18:46But to him, you see, you all represent the establishment,
18:49which only inflames his feelings of hostility and resentment, innit?
18:53I mean, the Padre's been out there for two hours, rabbiting away.
18:56All he's got for his trouble is a brick up his megaphone.
19:00How is the Padre?
19:01Very upset, sir.
19:03Very upset at not being able to get through to the man.
19:06Very upset also about losing two of his front teeth.
19:10There'll be no sermon on Sunday.
19:12Thank heaven for small mercies.
19:15You see, it's a question of attitude, really, innit?
19:17I mean, the last thing that boy wants is all that preaching and sermonising, innit?
19:20It's the same with the intrepid and well-meaning Mr. Gillespie, innit?
19:23I mean, he was asking for trouble crawling up that ladder, wasn't he?
19:26How is Mr. Gillespie?
19:27As comfortable as could be expected, sir.
19:30Well, we must do something, sir. We can't just leave McLaren where he is.
19:33Why not? Let him sweat it out.
19:36And tonight when that cold wind comes whistling over the Pennines, let him freeze it out.
19:41If we give way to him by one inch, sir, we'll establish a regrettable precedence.
19:45Well, a prisoner's crawling in every inch of rooftop, clamming for extra blankets, bigger helpings, cleaner sheets...
19:50On the other hand, sir...
19:51Yes?
19:52On the other hand, I could go up and talk to him, sir.
19:55I mean, he don't trust you lot, right?
19:57But maybe, I only say maybe, he might respond to the overtures of a fellow prisoner.
20:02Poor Peacock!
20:03Just a moment, Mr. Mackay.
20:05There is a point here, and a quite good point.
20:09But, you know, it could be very dangerous, Fletcher.
20:12Oh, yes, I realise that, sir. I realise I might be putting life and limb in some jeopardy, yes, sir.
20:16Yeah, but you try not to think about that, don't you?
20:18You try to forget the tight knot of fear that you get in your stomach,
20:21which I haven't personally experienced since Kuala Lumpur, sir.
20:25Kuala Lumpur?
20:26Yeah, I was out there, National Service, sir, you know.
20:28Fighting them Malaysian bandits for queen and country.
20:30Jungle warfare, you know, sir.
20:32Swamps up to you, carrying your rifle above your head to keep the barrel dry.
20:35You know what I mean, Mr. Mackay? You've had some of that, haven't you, eh?
20:37Suddenly you find yourself in a clearing,
20:39and you don't hear anything but the creatures in the undergrowth,
20:41and the night calls, and Taffy Williams' stomach rumbling.
20:44Has this any relevance to McLaren's predicament?
20:47Well, it's only to prove that I am no stranger to danger, sir.
20:50You know, I was in Singapore for my National Service RAF equipment.
20:56Oh, yeah?
20:57Oh, very nice, yes.
20:58Oh, a doddle that was, wouldn't it, eh?
21:00We'd have given our eye teeth for that, wouldn't we, Mr. Mackay, eh?
21:02Oh, Singapore, yeah.
21:03All them historical temples and hysterical brothels.
21:05Oh, dear.
21:06Gentlemen.
21:07Gentlemen, there is a man on the roof.
21:10Sir, we cannot let a prisoner go up.
21:12We have to deal with our own problems.
21:14We cannot leave it in the hands of a prisoner.
21:17Oh, well, in that case, sir,
21:18we should have to fall back on the only possible alternatives.
21:20What alternative?
21:22You all have to go up, sir.
21:24You all have to go up.
21:51Mmm, mmm, mmm!
21:52Cold feet, eh?
22:01Who, me?
22:02Ah, never.
22:05Come on, let's go on with it.
22:09Kuala Lumpur.
22:22Kuala Lumpur.
22:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:07It's a lovely view up here.
23:13Hey, look out for them slates. They're a bit dodgy.
23:22Oh, it's I, innit?
23:25It's your idea. You said climb a roof.
23:27Yeah, did you have to pick such a high one?
23:29I'm not being steeplejack with you.
23:31Makes you look a bigger hero.
23:33Mere dramatic impact.
23:34Don't use words like impact at this height, will you?
23:37What do you do?
23:38Of course I don't want a bit of chewing gum.
23:39Come on, let's get off here.
23:41Yeah, we can't go yet. You've got to talk me out of this.
23:44Take me at least an hour to succumb to your eloquent persuasion.
23:46An hour?
23:47But I've got vertigo. I feel sick.
23:50I'm dizzy.
23:52We'll be doing it in time for tea.
23:53It's cauliflower cheese today, innit?
23:55Ding dong. Fletcher calling.
24:23Your friendly mobile library.
24:24Hey, listen, Fletcher.
24:25Oh, it's you, is it, horrible eyes, eh?
24:27How did you work this number, then, eh?
24:28What do you mean? I'm ill.
24:30Oh, yeah?
24:30Gets to enteritis.
24:31Yeah, not very difficult symptoms to fake, are they, eh?
24:33Keep rushing to the bog every five minutes,
24:35clutching your stomach and screaming in agony.
24:37I didn't fake anything. I've rarely got it.
24:39Oh, have you?
24:40Oh, I think there must be some sort of record in this, Nick.
24:42A genuine illness in the hospital.
24:44Yeah, well, what about you?
24:45You were in there last week, weren't you?
24:46Yeah, I sustained a few bruises, yeah.
24:48They say I can still have children, then.
24:52I hate for shock.
24:53Eh?
24:54They told me you didn't stop shaking for three days.
24:56Yeah, so would you be shaking, mate,
24:57if you'd made an heroic ascent like I did?
24:59Yeah.
25:00Your descent wasn't so heroic.
25:02I heard that killer had to bring you down on his back.
25:04Now, don't you needle me, Ives.
25:06Don't you needle me.
25:07Otherwise, you won't be getting nothing decent off this here book trolley.
25:10I shall be palming you off with lamb's tales from Shakespeare.
25:13Without any mince sauce, either.
25:15Now, here, listen, Fletcher.
25:16Now, you here listen to me for a minute, Ives.
25:18That rescue was all arranged, mate.
25:20That was all set up between young McLaren and me, that was.
25:23He went on the roof specially so I could rescue him.
25:25All right, I didn't think I was going to get a dizzy turn when I was up there, did I?
25:29But nevertheless, I went up a year out and he come down one, right?
25:33As a result of which, I've now leapfrogged my way back into the governor's good books.
25:36My slate is wiped clean.
25:38All my misdemeanors is written off.
25:40Here I am, assistant librarian.
25:42And then, oh, McLaren, of course, he's been treated with sympathy and understanding.
25:46Yeah, I've seen him off with Lord Lee Cushing, number.
25:48Here, listen, Fletcher.
25:49What?
25:50What about a decent book, you know what I mean?
25:52What, you mean something a bit risqué, you mean?
25:53No, it won't be risqué, I won't tell anyone.
25:57Risqué means dirty, you stupid nerd.
25:59Oh, yeah, yeah, dirty, yeah, that's what I mean.
26:00Yeah, I thought you did.
26:02Well, I could, I could let you have this one.
26:04Oh, yeah.
26:05It's about the sex-starved lady pygmies of the southern Malaysian desert.
26:10What's it called?
26:10Little women.
26:13Little women?
26:14Yeah.
26:14Don't you remember Little Women?
26:15That's an erotic classic, that was.
26:17Don't you remember the trial at the Old Bailey?
26:19Oh, yeah, well, vaguely, yeah.
26:20Yeah, listen, what's that doing in the prison library?
26:22Oh, this wasn't in the prison library.
26:23I pinched this off the governor's private bookshelf.
26:25It was tucked behind the Tropical Fish Yearbook for 1973.
26:29You listen to this.
26:32She'd come out the clearing,
26:34her flimsy shift soaked by the sudden monsoon.
26:37Get off.
26:38Through it, Gilbert could discern the firm contours
26:41of her proud young Malaysian body.
26:43She stood there unashamed, staring him straight in the kneecap.
26:47She was everything he had imagined on that long train ride from Kuala Lumpur.
26:54Suddenly she was close to him, and he gazed in awe at her half-naked, up-tilted, perfectly
27:00formed.
27:00A perfectly formed what?
27:03Yeah, listen, Fletcher, perfectly formed what?
27:05Well, I'll give you a clue.
27:06There was two of them, and they went up and down when she ran.
27:10And I don't mean her kneecaps, either.
27:13Now, this beautiful love saga of fertility rites from a southern Malaysian desert
27:17can be yours for a small sum of two snart.
27:20All right, done.
27:21In advance.
27:22All right.
27:24Done.
27:25You certainly have been.
27:28Hey, can't you wish we had come, gone, you clumsy nut!
27:31Hey, hey, hey, hey, haven't we decided that's going to get us nowhere?
27:35Sorry, Mr Fletcher.
27:36That's all right, Mr McLaren.
27:38Oh, thanks.
27:40How are things in the medical world?
27:42Cruci, Mr Fletcher.
27:43And the library?
27:44A doddle, Mr McLaren.
27:46Hey, did you get me in a Godfather?
27:47Did you get me in a Wintergreen?
27:48Oh, thank you.
28:18Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
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