- hace 4 meses
Tras haber asesinado a los tres últimos arzobispos de Canterbury, el rey decide que su propio hijo Edmund ocupe el puesto.
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00:00England, November 1487.
00:08The battle between the Church and the Crown continues more fiercely than ever.
00:11and the Duke of Winchester, the richest landowner in England, dies.
00:17I die, my Lord.
00:20I will never die.
00:22Never.
00:24But, my son, to fill the idle hours until your recovery...
00:30Let's imagine for a moment that you pass away.
00:33Who would you leave your land to?
00:37Me, of course.
00:39Yes, to my beloved king.
00:44So let your sinful soul prepare for hell, my son.
00:48Hell?
00:49Yes, hell, where Satan breathes fire and huge demons fart day and night.
00:56Calm down!
00:58Where your mind will never be free from the torments of remorse,
01:03nor your bottom from the pricks of the demonic orcas.
01:06No, not orcas, I beg.
01:09Oh, what nonsense is that.
01:12Hell, where the softest parts of your most secret regions
01:17will be everyone's favorite food.
01:19My God, forgive me, Lord.
01:24I will change my will and leave my land to the church.
01:31That?
01:31May God bless your immaculate soul.
01:38Ah!
01:39You'll change your mind again.
01:41I know!
01:41Ah!
01:48I don't think so.
01:51Damn!
01:53The black viper.
02:00The archbishop.
02:29Tell me, Valdry, what's the news?
02:35My lord, I have been told by well-informed sources that the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to two goblins.
02:40No, no, no, no, about the Duke of Winchester.
02:42That one still holds up.
02:43It must be on its last legs by now.
02:45Last week you said that it was the penultimate one.
02:48Let him decide now.
02:50Either she dies or she remains a diva forever.
02:52This continued instability is so undignified.
02:55My lord, I bring you tragic news.
02:59That?
03:00He's dead now, isn't he?
03:01Who, My Lord?
03:02I understand now.
03:04Now the fashion is that the messenger asks the message before saying it.
03:08Not a bad idea.
03:09I like it.
03:10But I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.
03:13To whom, my lord?
03:14Okay, let's see if we can get this straight with one-syllable words, shall we?
03:20Someone has died, right?
03:22Yes, My Lord.
03:23And can you tell who it is?
03:25Well, the Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord.
03:27Are you an idiot?
03:28Yes, My Lord.
03:30The Archbishop of Canterbury?
03:32Oh no, the king has done it again.
03:35It's the third one already.
03:37And how did he die?
03:39In a horrible way.
03:41Do you have any details?
03:42Horribly, that's all.
03:44Ah, here it is.
03:44My lord, I bring you tragic news.
03:47I've heard it before.
03:48You can withdraw.
03:50My God.
03:51Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has suffered a tragic accident.
03:54There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've figured out how it happened.
03:58Yes, I have a pretty good idea too.
04:01You see, Archbishop Godfrey was leaving the Duke of Winchester's room.
04:04That he had just died leaving all his lands to the church?
04:07Well yes, actually yes.
04:08So the king was fuming.
04:11Yes, you could say that, but the most important thing is that at that moment Sir Tavis Mortimer appeared around the corner.
04:17The hitman?
04:18No, no, no, Mortimer, that tall, strange fellow who has no ears.
04:22Yes, that's it.
04:23Very good.
04:24He turned the corner, saw the archbishop, and rushed toward him with his head bowed to receive his blessing.
04:31And unfortunately it left him dry.
04:33As?
04:34Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.
04:36Yes, I see, one of those with a two-foot awl sticking out the top.
04:40Yes, those things they use to suck out their enemies by hitting them in the stomach.
04:44Tragic, yes. Yes, Sir Tavis must have forgotten he was wearing it, huh?
04:49You know, that's exactly what happened. A tragic accident. Tragic.
04:54Ah yes, almost as tragic as a gargoyle falling on Archbishop Bertram's head when he was bathing in the sea.
05:02Yes, and almost as tragic as the death that Archbishop Wilfred met when he slipped and fell from the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
05:11My lord, your plans are inscrutable. And now I don't know how I'm going to tell his young man.
05:18Yes, a tragic accident, my Lord.
05:22Accident and a horn.
05:25Who do you think will replace him?
05:27I don't know. Some friend of the bishop's, I suppose. They tend to choose the most devout.
05:33There are rumors, my Lord, that the king wants to choose Prince Harry.
05:38Oh yeah?
05:39Prince Harry, Archbishop, My Lord?
05:43Oh my God! Prince Harry, Archbishop!
05:47And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we?
05:50Yes, they are going to sing, Buri.
05:53No, no, no, no, no, no!
05:54Oh yes!
06:00Are you sure about that information, Patrick?
06:02Jane Smart told me this, the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chastity belt.
06:07Yes! Very reliable!
06:09Yes, I said to myself, Harry Archbishop.
06:14The black viper will be...
06:17...the next king.
06:19Yes, this could be one of the most important days of my life.
06:25Let's see, yes, I need a more splendid outfit for the ceremony.
06:28Of course, my Lord.
06:30Hat, my Lord?
06:31Yes, another one now.
06:32Boots, my Lord?
06:33The Italians.
06:34And the jockstrap?
06:36Yes, I'll wear the black Russian, okay?
06:41Money always terrifies you.
06:43Any other rumors, Baldrick?
06:58The truth is no.
06:59It seems Lord Wilder has gotten himself into bed with a sheep, but nothing about the appointment.
07:03Yes, very good.
07:04Why are you dressed like that, Edmund?
07:14As?
07:14Sorry.
07:15With that long thing between your legs.
07:21Cross your fingers.
07:23Members of the court and the clergy.
07:30Finally, and after consulting very carefully with our God, his Son Jesus Christ, and the disembodied friend of both, the Holy Spirit, I have decided who will be the new archbishop.
07:47I hope the assumption lasts longer than its predecessors.
07:53Impossible!
07:55I appoint my own son, Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh, to the holy see of Canterbury.
08:09Mr. Archbishop, we greet you.
08:14Congratulations, my lord!
08:16Shut up!
08:23Keep going, keep going, with both hands.
08:34So.
08:36All right, Harry, that's right, all right.
08:40Happens!
08:43Majesty!
08:43Look, Mr. Archbishop!
08:47Just a couple of details about my appointment, before things get down to business...
08:52Listen.
08:54First, I could...
08:55No, you can't.
08:56OK.
08:57Second.
08:58Don't let the appointment fool you, Edwin.
09:00I've always despised you.
09:03I understand that you are my father and you have favorites.
09:08You, compared to my beloved, Harry, are like excrement compared to nothing.
09:15Father, you are stretching me out.
09:17Me too.
09:20So now that I've found you a job, don't try to shirk your duties.
09:24No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not.
09:27I just wondered if maybe another man as weak and timid as I was could serve as well.
09:34Ha!
09:35That man does not exist.
09:37No, no, no, no, no, of course not.
09:39What things do I say?
09:41And maybe someone, someone who truly believes in God.
09:45If I wanted someone who believed in God, I would have chosen Harry.
09:52And not to a shy insect like you.
09:55Well, well, that makes everything clear.
09:58My God, it's almost time for vespers.
10:01I have to go.
10:03Egber?
10:08Come here.
10:15I'll give you some advice.
10:23If you make me angry now or ever, I will do to you what God did to the Sodomites.
10:31No, sir, I don't think that's a good idea.
10:33Did you understand me?
10:34Well, I'll try to be prepared, just in case.
10:40Thank you so much.
10:42Thank you so much.
10:43Thank you so much.
10:48Thank you so much.
10:52Oops!
10:53We already have the thumb twisters, the foot grinder, the nose clips, those long sticks.
11:07Who dwarf?
11:09Here, miracle.
11:11Okay, we're off.
11:13Archbishop!
11:20Are you going somewhere?
11:21Are you going somewhere?
11:23Yeah.
11:27Where?
11:31To Canterbury.
11:33Good.
11:34Good.
11:36Harry will accompany you.
11:38I wouldn't want you to be assassinated before the inauguration.
11:45Chiswick!
11:46Spare boards!
11:48My dear, if we want to take the boat to France, we must leave.
11:52Oh, the boat to France?
11:54Yes, yes.
11:55Are you going to France, Percy?
11:58Aren't we all leaving?
12:00No, no, Harry and I are going to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
12:04Ah, yes, I understand now.
12:08Have you changed your plan?
12:10No, not really.
12:12The only change is that you go and put your face in a pile of excrement and then
12:17don't follow at a distance.
12:19reasonable, Harry.
12:21Fart?
12:22Another thing.
12:23There's something that worries me.
12:25Suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off.
12:29Good.
12:30What if my left hand offends me too?
12:33That hand with which I cut it.
12:36Yes, yes.
12:38Very difficult.
12:39Who was that?
12:54I don't know, but the tallest one had his face covered in shit.
12:59There are those with style.
13:01Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, do you believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit?
13:22Yeah.
13:24Yeah.
13:26That being so, I appoint you Archbishop of Canterbury.
13:31And primate of all England.
13:53Once the investiture was over, Archbishop Edmund the Dismal quickly adopted the
13:58customs of the clergy.
14:01But the threat of his father always hung over his head.
14:04Until one day...
14:06Tell me, Brother Valdrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
14:11I don't know, my lord, but I don't think it was any worse than what they did to each other.
14:20Oh my God!
14:21That's it!
14:22Valdrick, bring me the Lord Bishop of Ramsgate.
14:25Whom?
14:25To Percy, to Percy!
14:27To Percy!
14:31My life hangs by a single thread!
14:33The bedside of the dying Lord Graveny, attended by the Bishop of London, brother of the Archbishop
14:45dead.
14:45What's happening?
14:45Then, Lord Graveny, you will go to hell.
14:50Oh my God!
14:51Hell, where the air smells acrid with the aroma of burning buttocks.
14:57No!
14:58No!
14:59No!
15:02I leave my lands in the hands of the church and say goodbye to the world for life.
15:10That?
15:13The archbishop hasn't arrived yet?
15:15Not yet.
15:16And even if it came, it would be too much...
15:18Breathe out!
15:19... late.
15:20Get out of here!
15:22I'll kill you both like I killed your brother!
15:25I will abolish the church!
15:27My Lord!
15:28My Lord!
15:29Ah!
15:30I told you to go!
15:33My Lord!
15:34My Lord!
15:36My Lord!
15:37Wake up!
15:38Wake up!
15:39Wake up!
15:40I'm in paradise!
15:45No!
15:46Not yet!
15:47Then it's hell!
15:48I beg you!
15:49Don't burn my ass!
15:51No!
15:52No!
15:52You're still fine!
15:53This is England!
15:54And you are not Satan?
15:56No!
15:57I am the Archbishop of Canterbury!
15:59Oh, Your Holiness!
16:00Holiness!
16:01I have left all my lands to the church!
16:04Do you think I'll be saved?
16:06No!
16:06You traitors!
16:08Wake up!
16:09Wake up!
16:09Wake up!
16:10Wait!
16:11Wait!
16:12Let's do it in parts!
16:13OK?
16:14The truth is that the church doesn't need your lands!
16:21What the church needs is a good spanking!
16:23Yeah!
16:23If I don't get the blessing of the church, I'll go to hell!
16:28Yeah!
16:29Straight to hell!
16:31Out!
16:31Will someone like you go to hell?
16:36Never, never!
16:38But I have committed many sins!
16:40Like everyone else!
16:41Like everyone else!
16:42I killed my father!
16:44Yeah!
16:44How nice it is to you!
16:46To hell!
16:47Hurry, Edmer!
16:49And besides, I have committed adultery.
16:51Well, who doesn't?
16:53More than a thousand times!
16:55It's 1487!
16:58With my mother!
17:00That?
17:00Do you see it?
17:02I'll go to hell!
17:04To hell!
17:05Where tumors like turnips will sprout from your nose and ears!
17:09Kill that bishop!
17:10To hell!
17:12Well, let's take hell.
17:15For example, do you know that it's not as terrible as they say?
17:19That?
17:20No, no, no.
17:21You see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the things that happen in heaven.
17:29Well, like singing, talking to God, watering the plants, while hell is for people who like other things.
17:42Adultery, looting, torture and those areas.
17:48Really!
17:50Leave your lands to the crown and when you die you will have the time of your life.
17:54Adultery and pillage forever and ever!
17:59Amen!
18:00And the blows with canes to your most tender parts.
18:05Oh!
18:06Here I come!
18:08You decide!
18:09Very good.
18:10I leave the lands to the crown and my soul in the hands of the Lord.
18:16So he can treat me like a piece of shit and send me to hell, which is my place.
18:23Amen!
18:24Amen!
18:25You're very lucky, you know?
18:27I'd like to go with you, but you know, I'm an archbishop.
18:30I'm sorry.
18:31No problem.
18:32My son!
18:43Father!
18:46Father!
18:47My son!
18:48Who is that?
18:54They look like the kind of people who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury.
18:59Typical.
19:00Turkish dog!
19:01No!
19:02I'll kill you, Turkish horn!
19:05Father!
19:06It's me!
19:07Father!
19:08Oh yes!
19:08Sorry, Harry!
19:09You're getting better, huh!
19:11Yes, fine, thank you, Father.
19:13Hello, mother.
19:16He almost beat me!
19:18He almost beat me!
19:20Tell me, how was Edmund?
19:22Good, good, very good.
19:25Chiswick, another horse!
19:27And how are your little sheep?
19:31Whose?
19:32Edmund's, dear.
19:35What little sheep?
19:36The Canterbury Sheep.
19:39You know, the flock I was talking about.
19:42Oh my God!
19:47I don't understand.
19:49Edmund doesn't even like religion.
19:52That's impossible!
19:54He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
19:56Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty boy.
20:01whom I had to spank on the butt for relieving himself at the fountain.
20:04Ah!
20:05But that was a long time ago.
20:06It was last Tuesday!
20:09Uh!
20:15Well, the boy didn't turn out so bad.
20:19Have a life full of health!
20:22Hahaha!
20:25Hahaha!
20:30I thank God that I will never have to say it again.
20:35Who will free me from this priest?
20:38And what is that?
20:42Something my ancestor Henry II said when he was having problems with Thomas Beckett.
20:47I was sitting at the table like this, with two drunken gentlemen, and suddenly he shouted
20:51Who will free me from this priest?
20:54I don't understand.
20:58Ah!
20:59God save us!
21:01I said, who will deliver me from this priest?
21:06Who are you referring to?
21:07To the Archbishop of Canterbury, of course.
21:11And what happened?
21:13They went straight ahead and killed him.
21:16I think it's time to do business.
21:24Business, My Lord?
21:25Yes, and Valdrick and I have studied some of the ways to make money in this horrible job.
21:30Basically, My Lord, there seem to be four main areas of profit.
21:34Curses, forgiveness, relics, and the sexual favors of nuns.
21:39Sexual favors from nuns?
21:41And people spend money on that?
21:43Foreign businessmen, other nuns.
21:46Let's start with forgiveness, shall we?
21:48OK.
21:48This is a rough selection.
21:50People usually get what they pay for.
21:53They range from this one, which is an apology for talking with your mouth full,
21:56signed by a seminarian from Tewsbury...
21:59And how much is that?
22:00Two pebbles.
22:02Until this, which is forgiveness for whatever,
22:05including murder, adultery, or beheading of a friend or relative.
22:10And who signs that?
22:12The two popes.
22:13Oh, well, yeah.
22:14Curses are very similar.
22:17This is for...
22:18half an egg.
22:21Damn, dear enemy.
22:23I curse you and I hope something unpleasant happens to you,
22:27like an onion falling on your head.
22:29Yes, this is the cheapest on the list.
22:31and they go up to this one that is worth four ducats.
22:34Dear enemy, may God hate you,
22:37that you turn orange
22:40and your head falls off at the most inopportune moment.
22:44And does that work?
22:45Yeah.
22:46Sure?
22:46Yeah.
22:47Really?
22:47No.
22:48And moving on to the relics,
22:52Here we have the tunic of Turin,
22:56wine from the wedding at Cana,
23:00splinters of the cross
23:01And then there are all these things that Jesus did in his days as a carpenter.
23:07Look, we have hangers,
23:09coasters,
23:11dishes,
23:12bookend,
23:13Lucifixes,
23:15a cheese board,
23:17fruit bowls,
23:19sandals...
23:21I haven't finished this one yet.
23:24But this is a disgrace, My Lord.
23:25It is very clear that it is false.
23:27Yeah.
23:29But how do people distinguish between this?
23:31and the really good relics?
23:33They don't distinguish, that's it.
23:34I assure you that you will not fool anyone.
23:38Look.
23:41This.
23:43Yes, it is a relic.
23:45What is it?
23:46A bone.
23:49It is from the finger of our Lord.
23:51It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
23:55Is it real?
23:56It is, My Lord.
23:59You seem surprised.
24:00I am.
24:02I thought they sold them in 10s.
24:05I could have given you one for nothing.
24:07Yes, fingers are very cheap right now.
24:10But what is selling best is the nose.
24:13For example,
24:14This is the Sacred Appendages Value Pack.
24:18They give you Jesus' nose,
24:19that of San Pedro,
24:21a pair of noses from San Francisco
24:23and these are from Juan Andrés.
24:28That son of a bitch.
24:29I will teach him.
24:30I will teach him.
24:30I will teach him.
24:38Hello good.
24:39Hello good.
24:40Hello good.
24:41What can I do for you?
24:44Well, we've come to assassinate the Archbishop of Canterbury.
24:49We are your friends.
24:51Yeah.
24:52And we fear for his life.
24:55Yes, why?
24:56You see, perhaps good King Richard,
24:59angry with the archbishop for some reason...
25:02We don't know which one.
25:02...send two drunken knights
25:05who have just returned from the crusades...
25:07Crusades.
25:08...on a mission of revenge against him.
25:11Against him.
25:11If possible.
25:13And it has happened before.
25:14Yes, that's it.
25:15Yes, that's it.
25:15I don't feel it.
25:16I didn't get your names.
25:19George and Bob.
25:21How are you?
25:22Justin de Boignot.
25:24Two drunken gentlemen
25:26who have returned from the crusades
25:27and they are here on a mission from good King Richard.
25:30May God bless you.
25:31Bless you.
25:32And the mission is...?
25:33Well, as I said,
25:35we have come to kill...
25:36A little bit of time.
25:38Especially before the next crusade.
25:41Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
25:42Okay, then I'll get it.
25:47Oh, right?
25:48Yeah.
25:49A couple of gentlemen wish to see the archbishop.
25:52Oh, mother.
25:55Ah, monks.
25:59My lord, I have a surprise to give.
26:01If it's the Uppingham nuns and the candlesticks,
26:05I know.
26:06No, the point is that two men want to kill you.
26:10That?
26:15Gentlemen, please excuse the delay.
26:17I'll go see what's going on myself.
26:19Yes, go.
26:22Listen to me, what's going on?
26:23They have come to kill us.
26:24Oh, come on, honestly, Baldrick,
26:26just because a couple of people have a little education,
26:29You immediately assume that they are murderers.
26:32Get ready, love ones!
26:33Oh my God!
26:34Sir, sir, sir.
26:37Oh my God!
26:41Come on, hurry, hurry!
26:44Come on, come on!
26:52They've escaped!
26:54They must have left through the secret passage.
27:07towards the convent!
27:08Sister, for charity, three men have come in.
27:23Where have they gone?
27:26I think they've gone over there.
27:28Yeah.
27:29May God bless her.
27:33One moment!
27:35They'll expect us to arrive dressed like that.
27:38Hurry!
27:38Here!
27:53Please, sister.
27:55Have you seen two strong knights pass by here?
27:59No, sister.
28:01What a shame, right!
28:05Why don't they look?
28:06Over there!
28:08Thank you so much.
28:09You are welcome.
28:17But, Mother Superior...
28:19...Saint Paul does not say in Ephesians.
28:23The woman is like a bat.
28:26It is heard, but it is not sold.
28:28No, I don't think so, Sara.
28:32Shall we look in the bedrooms?
28:34Yes, yes, Mother Superior.
28:36Very good idea.
28:43Enough!
28:45Enough, enough!
28:46Girls and gentlemen, I've told you a thousand times.
28:50Fighting in the dormitories is prohibited.
28:53Who is the ringleader?
28:55You, yes, you, the ugly one.
28:57My God!
29:02He is the Archbishop of Canterbury.
29:06A man!
29:07I can, I can explain everything to you.
29:15That mother is the whole story.
29:19Let's get back to the facts again.
29:21After being appointed archbishop, he discovered that he was interested in beautiful clothes...
29:26...and fine embroidery.
29:28...and unable to resist the fall into depravity, she began to dress in the habit of a nun.
29:34I couldn't resist the soft feel of the underwear.
29:38I understand that.
29:41But he then forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and Brother Valdrick to do the same.
29:46Damn him for that!
29:49And finally, two drunken gentlemen were brought in, inviting them to come in and romp with you inside the convent in an orgy of pagan perversion.
29:57Yeah.
29:57This shameful story bears the unmistakable stamp of truth.
30:01And so I must tell you that I have written urgently to the three popes to recommend your excommunication.
30:09So that he will never again be the Archbishop of Canterbury.
30:12Oh my God!
30:14Enough is enough. I think I've learned my lesson.
30:18As?
30:22Go away, sinner! And find your destiny!
30:31A fire in the convent.
31:00Come on!
31:01Come on!
31:02Come on!
31:03Come on!
31:04Come on!
31:05Come on!
31:06Come on!
31:07Come on!
31:08Come on!
31:09Come on!
31:10Come on!
31:11Come on!
31:12Come on!
31:13Come on!
31:14Come on!
31:15Come on!
31:16Come on!
31:17Come on!
31:18Come on!
31:19Come on!
31:20Come on!
31:21Come on!
31:22Come on!
31:23Come on!
31:24Come on!
31:25Come on!
31:26Come on!
31:27Come on!
31:28Come on!
31:29Come on!
31:30Come on!
31:31Come on!
31:32Come on!
31:33Come on!
31:34Come on!
31:35Come on!
31:36Come on!
31:37Come on!
31:38Come on!
31:39Come on!
31:40Come on!
31:42Come on!
31:46Come on!
31:47Come on!
32:06It represents the corruption of the world.
32:09Yes, hell, Mother Superior.
32:11I'm exhausted. You can go.
32:14Very good.
32:16Hell.
32:18So you won't need the unicorn tonight, Mother.
32:21No no.
32:23Tonight I don't know.
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