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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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TVTranscript
00:00Something was pouring from his mouth.
00:11He examined his sleeve.
00:13Blood.
00:15Blood.
00:16Crimson, copper-smelling blood.
00:18His blood.
00:19Blood.
00:20Blood.
00:22Blood.
00:23And bits of sick.
00:25Greetings, Traveller.
00:31I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
00:34Most of you will probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers,
00:38including Afterbirth, in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.
00:44Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Dark Place,
00:49a television programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy,
00:57that the so-called powers that be became too scared to show it, and jit me,
01:01much in the same way that women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.
01:05Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history,
01:10does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand and suitably ashamed,
01:14asking if your humble fabulist could once more retrieve Dark Place from the boxes in his spacious basement
01:20and let it loose on its unsuspecting public.
01:23That's you.
01:27Naturalmo, I relented,
01:29and spent over three hours of my life knocking together some interviews
01:32with the key players in this historic programme,
01:35namely myself and my publisher, Dean Lerner.
01:38So, finally, here is Dark Place.
01:41For the first time on British television, it had a brief run in Peru.
01:45Sit back, dim the lights, or switch them off if you don't have dimmers,
01:49put conventional logic to one side,
01:52and enjoy.
01:53Well, I say enjoy.
01:56I'm Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.
02:18You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
02:24You are entering my dark place.
02:27What is your name?
02:28I say online.
02:49Oh, my God.
03:19Just leave.
03:32Funny. That cat just told me to leave.
03:46Hi. I've come to apply for the doctor's job.
03:48I can assure you my credentials are top-notch.
03:51I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale.
03:53I aced every semester and I got an A.
03:55Well, that sounds excellent.
03:57Our last doctor only just recently died in horrific circumstances.
04:00Can you start immediately?
04:02Sure. Do I have time to go to the toilet?
04:04Not really.
04:05I've already paged Dr. Sanchez, who should be here any minute now.
04:08I'm Dr. Sanchez. You're a woman.
04:11Yes, I hope that's not a problem.
04:12Not at all. There's plenty of scared on the wall.
04:15This is the 20th century after all.
04:16Though some don't like to admit it.
04:18Welcome to Dark Place, Liz.
04:21My hand!
04:22This is the 20th century after all.
04:28This is the 20th century after all.
04:30This is the 20th century after all.
04:31This is the 20th century after all.
04:32This is the 20th century after all.
04:33This is the 20th century after all.
04:34This is the 20th century after all.
04:35This is the 20th century after all.
04:36This is the 20th century after all.
04:37This is the 20th century after all.
04:38This is the 20th century after all.
04:39This is the 20th century after all.
04:40This is the 20th century after all.
04:41This is the 20th century after all.
04:42This is the 20th century after all.
04:43This is the 20th century after all.
04:44This is the 20th century after all.
04:45This is the 20th century after all.
04:46This is the 20th century after all.
04:47Whoa! Are you all right?
04:57Not really.
05:08I'm one of the few people you'll meet who've written more books than they've read.
05:13I felt I'd taken the novel as far as it could go.
05:17I guess it was inevitable that my imagination would make the move to television.
05:21I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, conned abertude,
05:25and I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face,
05:27I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze, it's natural.
05:30I said, this is going to be the most significant television event since Quantum Leap.
05:36And I do not say that lightly.
05:43My name is Dr Rick Douglas, MD.
05:45I got the call too early to grab a shower,
05:48so I had to make do with a quick rinse from the key areas.
05:52Some little missy had taken a nosedive in reception,
05:55so Muggins was meant to haul ass down there and kiss it better.
05:58But first, I had to visit a very special friend.
06:01Is my daddy going to be all right?
06:10Your daddy is very sick, champ.
06:13Is he going to die?
06:14We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ.
06:18I've come to accept that now.
06:21I've got to get this.
06:24Son of a bitch.
06:25That's my boss.
06:27I've got to go.
06:29They work you too hard here.
06:31They should pay you a hero's wage.
06:33You're a good kid.
06:35And you're a great doctor.
06:36Never take drugs.
06:47Dean's not an actor.
06:48I warned Garth.
06:49I said, I'm not an actor.
06:52And he said, I'll always remember this,
06:55that he didn't want an act.
06:56He wanted the truth.
06:58So here is Dean Lerner playing Thornton Reed,
07:03not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.
07:06Listen up, ladies, we've got a situation.
07:08A little lass has just cracked her nut,
07:09and if she croaks, my arse is grass.
07:13That was Thornton Reed, my boss,
07:15head of the department, a ball buster.
07:17But then he had to answer to Wonton.
07:19She's here on the express say-so of Wonton.
07:21A star pupil, you might say,
07:23and one that Dark Place has high hopes for.
07:25So far, I've given her some lucasade,
07:27and that seems to have helped,
07:27but she said she's having visions,
07:29blood, guts, a real harness show.
07:31That's Dr Lucian Sanchez, hot shot surgeon.
07:34He's a good buddy, though we sometimes have punch-ups.
07:37Is that why you called me in?
07:38As far as I can tell,
07:39some dames just bang their bones,
07:40casca la def.
07:41Wait, I have more things to say.
07:43Go on, sorry for the interruption.
07:45Don't mention it.
07:47She's saying there's something supernatural going on.
07:49It's witchy woman-wittering,
07:50and it wants nothing out at the wick.
07:52This is a place of science, after all.
07:54I need panic in the walls like I need a hole in the head.
07:56Something supernatural, you say?
07:58That sounds bang up your alley, Dag.
07:59Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts?
08:02That was a long time ago, Sanchez.
08:03Got my fingers apart.
08:05Well, you can count me out, Reid.
08:07It's all voodoo nonsense, as far as this cast concerned.
08:10Fair enough.
08:11You take the reins on this one, Dag,
08:13but make sure your methods are orthodox.
08:15Don't worry, Reid.
08:16This sounds routine.
08:17I'm sure nothing untoward will happen.
08:19I hope he heeds my words about being with this in an orthodox manner.
08:28He will.
08:28He's the best damn doctor on the wing,
08:29or any other wing for that matter.
08:31He's a wild card.
08:31But I'm glad he's in our deck.
08:33Let's hope he plays a fair hand.
08:34He'll come up, trumps.
08:35If it's not a joker in the pack.
08:36And sometimes there is.
08:40Jim.
08:42Going to get two cc's of 0.2% saline cloroxidine into bed 33.
08:46And I need you to get the neurology to get the butts in gear with that cardiogram.
08:48Tell him the endotracheal ring is clogged.
08:50Come on.
08:51Let's move it, people.
08:57Dr Liz Asher.
08:58Dr Rick Douglas, MD.
08:59You've heard of me.
09:01Who in the field of medicine hasn't?
09:02Well, you shouldn't believe everything you read in the medical magazines.
09:05Welcome to Dark Place.
09:06I've seen more auspicious starts.
09:08I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny, Dr Douglas.
09:11I had a vision.
09:12I'm a psychic.
09:13And I'm Bo Derek.
09:14No, you're not.
09:15You're right.
09:15I'm not.
09:16I guess I use sarcasm as a defence.
09:19I see the past, the present and the future.
09:21Tough gig.
09:21Stop being sarcastic.
09:24Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.
09:29Yes, that makes sense.
09:32Come on.
09:33I'll lend you money for a coffee.
09:34We ended up going to the staff room.
09:40There's access to a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary.
09:44Sanchez, my buddy, joined us.
09:46When he heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.
09:49Slops.
09:50So let me get this straight.
09:52Will you crush my hand?
09:53You had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen
09:58to a patient in Dark Place.
09:59That's about the size of it in a nutshell.
10:01Well, have you got a name or a room number?
10:05Room 213.
10:06That's where Renwick is.
10:08Who's Renwick?
10:10Uh, no one.
10:11Forget it.
10:12I know you're lying to me, protecting me, but I'm a big girl now.
10:16In a year's time, I'll be a woman.
10:17Come on, who's Renwick, Rick?
10:19I don't know what you're talking about.
10:20Yes, you do.
10:22You're right.
10:24I do.
10:25Larry Renwick was admitted here last week.
10:27The guy went axe-happy on a trout farm.
10:29He killed 60 fish.
10:31You knew him, didn't you?
10:32You really are psychic.
10:34Yes.
10:34Watch this.
10:37Impressive.
10:38But don't do that on the ward.
10:39So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?
10:42Larry was a colleague of mine when I first started here at Dark Place.
10:53God, he was brainy and brave.
10:56Saved my life once.
10:57I saved his life twice, so I was one up.
11:00We made a pact to push each other's minds to the limit and beyond.
11:04Naturally, we both became fascinated with the occult.
11:06One night, Larry suggested we try and open the gates of hell right here in the canteen.
11:13I pleaded with him.
11:14I said, no, don't.
11:16But he insisted.
11:17That night, we performed the rite and opened the gate.
11:23Halfway through, I went to the kitchen to fix us both a coke float.
11:27But by the time I got back, he'd gone insane.
11:34Plus, he'd left the gate open and there was evil everywhere.
11:38I need to grab a shower.
11:47I'll reclose the gates of hell as soon as I could.
11:50But Dark Place has never been the same since.
11:53And with Larry back, it feels like the gates could reopen any second.
11:56And that's the last thing I need.
11:57You're overwhacked as it is.
11:58Tell me about it.
11:59It'll be a total hassle.
12:01Look, I'll help you.
12:02I'm free most Tuesdays and my doctor's contract hasn't officially started yet.
12:05This ain't orthodox, Liz.
12:06So when were you orthodox, Rick?
12:07That's true.
12:10Please.
12:10All right.
12:12I'll pay you, though.
12:13It'll make it bona fide and you could probably use the extra pocket money for clothes.
12:16It's a make-up.
12:17Thanks, Rick.
12:18I won't let you down.
12:19Okay.
12:20Well, what would help me most right now is if you could whack a brillo around this mug.
12:24Otherwise, it'll stain.
12:25Sanj, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit before it's too late.
12:30Because it's 8 p.m. now.
12:46This is it.
12:56You and he were buddies, weren't you?
13:00Once.
13:00Listen, when I first joined this hospital, I was strictly solo.
13:04You were the first real buddy I ever had.
13:07But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.
13:12I've got a best buddy, Sanj.
13:13But some shit sticks, no matter how hard you scrape.
13:17Hang back.
13:18You got it.
13:19Larry?
13:29Larry?
13:43Are you all right?
13:44I think I'm going to die.
13:51No, you're not.
13:52You're going to make it.
13:53I'll get help.
13:54No!
13:55First things first, I've got to stop you bleeding.
13:59Rick, I beg you.
14:02Kill me.
14:03Oh, Jesus, Larry.
14:04Don't do this to me.
14:05I beg you.
14:06It really hurts.
14:10I beg you.
14:31Forgive me.
14:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
15:02Bye-bye, buddy.
15:21I'll get a mop.
15:29I have never exploded.
15:32But I know what it would be like.
15:35Don't ask me how, I just know.
15:37I've always just known.
15:40I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded,
15:45whether it was a colleague or a pet,
15:49but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him.
15:51There were tears on set, not from Garth.
15:53He was strong for the crew.
15:55Um, but I wept.
15:57I'm not ashamed of that.
16:00It's, I suppose, one of the many burdens he has to bear
16:06as an artist in bringing us this gift.
16:10Thanks for explaining the situation.
16:19I'm going to give him the rollicking of his life.
16:21You used this to treat him.
16:26Where the hell did you train?
16:28I didn't want to use that thing.
16:29Larry was my friend.
16:30If that's how you treat your friends,
16:31imagine how you treat your enemies.
16:33Worse, I expect.
16:34He's right, Doug.
16:34What went on in there was not by the book.
16:36Reed did specifically tell you to be orthodox.
16:38Eh, too, Sanchai.
16:40I thought we were buddies.
16:41Gentlemen, you're squabbling over this like dogs with meat.
16:43I agree with that.
16:44Listen, this ain't another exploding patient
16:46you can sweep under your rug.
16:48Now, Renwick was the gateway to another dimension.
16:50When he exploded, that gateway opened.
16:52We must shut it again as soon as possible.
16:54What?
16:55Am I holding a crock of shit?
16:56Tell me something.
16:58Is this hospital called saying crock of shit?
17:02All right, all right.
17:03Calm down, calm down.
17:05Emotions are running high.
17:06What do you suggest, Doug?
17:07Well, we can start by burning what's left of the body.
17:09Get lost.
17:11Call it, Sanchis, or you'll get a knuckle supper.
17:13Look, Douglas, you're an excellent doctor,
17:15but you're also a life-wire maverick,
17:16who, when he's not bucking the system,
17:18is biting the hand that feeds,
17:19which, in your case, is this hand.
17:21Now, I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased
17:23that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body
17:25in order to close the portals to another dimension.
17:27I just won't do it.
17:28This hospital's got a reputation, which I intend to keep.
17:31I've yet to see any demons on the ward,
17:33and I'm particularly observant.
17:35So go back to your lab and make me a pill that can cure man
17:37or I'll kick your arse so hard
17:38you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint.
17:40Understood?
17:41As crystal.
17:42But if the gates of hell do reopen,
17:44don't say I didn't specifically warn you,
17:46because I just have, and that means you'll be lying.
17:48I went for a drive to clear my head,
17:58which is why I'm now in the car.
17:59I kept thinking about Larry
18:01and how inconvenient his blowing up had been.
18:04Maybe the gates to hell have closed once and for all.
18:07Maybe they hadn't.
18:09It was a double-edged point.
18:10Seems like a regular burial, Rick.
18:37Do you really buy this portal to hell, do you?
18:38I wouldn't say I buy it, Liz.
18:41Let's just say I'm window shopping.
18:43And right now, there's a half-price sale on weird.
18:54Larry Renwick will be remembered for his wit
18:56and laughing eyes
18:58and for being, above all, a good friend.
19:02I'm sure we all feel that he exploded too young,
19:05but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.
19:10Sometimes he'll come in at an angle.
19:13Other times he can hover and swoop.
19:17Sometimes he can even come in from beneath,
19:20like a worm or mole.
19:22Lord, it's his call how he chooses to maneuver.
19:26No!
19:27Good God, that's enough!
19:28Oh, no!
19:30Jim, you little crispy!
19:33No, I'm in a car.
19:34Don't feel it, just feel it, just feel it, just feel it.
19:35Oh!
19:38Look out, he's got a gun!
19:44Move the side.
19:46That's the mother, Rick!
19:48Oh, that'll stop him.
20:15Oh!
20:29Let's go!
20:30No!
20:30It seems as though Douglas was right about burning Renwick.
20:58I'm just going to go over there and tell him that.
21:07I don't know how, Red, but you were right.
21:13Here, take this.
21:15I hate using these things.
21:18You'd best go see to the mother.
21:19I had to put a cap in her shoulder.
21:21Tell her...
21:22Tell her I'm sorry.
21:25You did what you had to do.
21:27I know, but do tell her I'm sorry.
21:28Sure.
21:29And thanks, buddy.
21:33Rick!
21:34Where are you going?
21:35To get some bail.
21:37To get away.
21:38The doors of Dark Place were open, not the literal doors of the building, most of which
22:01were closed, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond, doors that were hard to shut
22:08because they were abstract and didn't have handles.
22:11They were more like portals, really.
22:12From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.
22:20I do not believe that
22:45I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal or plant,
22:51should be hurt in the making of a television programme,
22:53so I personally feel very bad about the cat we killed.
22:57I had a cat once, I dropped a sofa on it, it was a write-off, so I stood on its head.
23:02All I do is sit down at the typewriter and start hitting the keys.
23:08Getting them in the right order, that's the trick.
23:12That's the trick.
23:15That's the trick.
23:45Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a Garth Marenghi production in association with Dean Lerner.
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