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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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00:00TINA SCREAMED FOR NURSE
00:07Tina screamed for nurse, but Little Miss Nurse didn't come.
00:12Little Miss Nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor.
00:18The pain shot through her like a big bullet.
00:21She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch?
00:26No, they weren't.
00:32Salutations, friend.
00:34I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I prefer the term Dreamweaver.
00:38When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Dark Place for Television back in
00:43the 1980s, I drew deep drafts of inspiration from the dike of my dreams.
00:49Other times I copied the plots from dead authors on whose work the copyright had lapsed.
00:53Bite me.
00:55Tonight's episode, however, is based on a true life story, which meant I could bang
00:59it out in under a day.
01:01I was told, when I was 16, that my balls didn't work.
01:06They dropped, but they kept on going, and it was a question of either having them removed
01:11or going around with really long balls, like a couple of marbles in a hiking sock.
01:16I chose the latter option, and fortune favoured me, because the day I hit 30 they winched right
01:21back up.
01:22Point is, I thought of myself as a freak, an other.
01:26For years I wondered what exactly my ghoulies would sire.
01:30Would it be human?
01:32Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife Pam, she dutifully gave birth to twins, a huge relief.
01:37Though for years I couldn't shake off the fear that one of them might eat the other.
01:41Luckily they didn't, which I put down to good parenting.
01:44Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants.
01:50It's also about my own desire for a son, which I'll probably never have now because my wife's
01:54too old.
01:56So here is my pion to the put-upon, lovingly restored with interviews from myself, my publisher
02:02Dean Lerner, and the actor Todd Rivers.
02:05That way, Dark Place will finally get the critical acclaim it deserves.
02:10Save up.
02:14I'm Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.
02:31You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
02:37You are entering my dark place.
02:40See ya!
02:49Darlingweaver.
02:51You areé£ć¹ toę„, leave thebor!
03:06See ya!
03:07Memories.
03:23Dr. Dagless to Ward B. Dr. Dagless to Ward B.
03:37Thanks for coming, Dr. Dagless. I thought I heard voices.
03:42Locked.
03:44Funny. I don't remember locking this door.
03:47And yet it is locked.
03:53Oh, my God.
03:58Look at the size of that thing's rod.
04:12Not a word of this to anyone, capisce?
04:15Look at that poor man. Not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye, he's now giving birth.
04:23The actor who played that part was not happy.
04:26The actor who played that part was not happy.
04:50However, I had taken him aside that morning
04:54and explained to him what was going to happen.
04:57I was going to keep the crew down to about 10, 12 people.
05:01The guy who was behind him in the eye,
05:03he was a man whom he knew and, until that day, trusted.
05:08I think that scene's beautiful.
05:10I just think it's very sad that we've had to pixelate out an erection.
05:13I think it's very sad that we've had to pixelate that,
05:15that people are too frightened of that.
05:17I mean, I just think it's pathetic.
05:20You know, we've all got one. Let's get on with it.
05:22I could have one now, you wouldn't know.
05:24I've not got one.
05:27My name is Dr Rick Dagless, M.D.
05:37Who would have thought that that giant eye was once a young man?
05:41The guy was undergoing experimental gamma ray treatment for mumps
05:44when the eyeball of a sex offender got in the reactor chamber with him.
05:48But if you sell your body for medical experiments to make a quick buck,
05:51you've got to roll with the punches.
05:53At least he was at peace now, on account of being dead.
05:57What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant.
06:00I guess we'd never know.
06:02So, just to restate, that is something we'll never know.
06:05You're not going to find out later.
06:06I should have given the kid up to hospital top brass straight away.
06:10But I couldn't.
06:11I don't know why, but it felt good to have this little fella near to me.
06:14I guess it felt like I had a son again.
06:16Don't play with the windows.
06:29Reid hauled us in for the morning debrief,
06:31but this morning I was determined that my briefs were staying on.
06:34Even in times of extreme stress, I was determined to stay sardonic.
06:37But if they found my baby, I don't know what they'd do.
06:40Dissect him, probably.
06:42As I'm sure you people are aware,
06:44Wanton's gamma radiation mumps programme went west
06:46and created a horny giant eye on legs.
06:49I heard about that. Did they ever find it?
06:50It was found dead last night.
06:52It'd been shot in the eye.
06:54Well, good riddance him. So that's done and dusted, then.
06:57Negative, Sanch. It's neither done nor dusted.
07:00Wanton has reason to believe that the giant eye might have fathered a child.
07:04Dag, any thoughts?
07:06I don't know anything about it.
07:08Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.
07:11Could you give me an example?
07:12Like hospital bloody hygiene.
07:14I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe,
07:16so I had to use the one in E-Wing.
07:17It's true. I went there two months back
07:19and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.
07:21Well, someone's gonna have to pick that pube off the pipe
07:23and it ain't gonna be me.
07:24Come on, surely we can discuss something more sanitary.
07:26As if your fanny never graced a pan.
07:27What's crawled up your crack?
07:29She has. She's so up herself.
07:30You shut your mouth or say,
07:32Help me God, I'll punch your lights out.
07:34Don't know what the hell's got into him.
07:35Come on, Liz.
07:36I hope you apply some more make-up.
07:38Anyway, I'm out of here.
07:45Not so fast, mister.
07:48Where were you last night?
07:50Nowhere.
07:51Nowhere?
07:52That's right. Nowhere.
07:54Nowhere can be a lonely place to be.
07:56I get by.
07:57It's just that I've been hearing some things.
08:00What things?
08:02A lot of things.
08:03Strange things.
08:04Crazy things.
08:05Things, Dag.
08:06Things?
08:08Things.
08:09Well, you shouldn't believe every thing you hear, Thornton.
08:12You're hiding some thing, Dag.
08:14I could swear it.
08:15I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry shit to shore.
08:19After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down.
08:23I don't know what you're talking about.
08:2424 hours, Dag.
08:2624 hours.
08:2923 hours, 59 minutes.
08:31Don't make me stand here and count.
08:33See you later.
08:35I would stay.
08:36But the air's starting to stink round here.
08:38Not from me, it's not.
08:40I just went.
08:41Read was on to me.
08:51I needed to stash the sprog till the heat cooled off.
08:54I had to get my baby to the staff room.
08:56Quick.
08:57Attention all doctors.
08:59Keep a lookout for a dangerous eye that is on the loose on the ward.
09:03This is a DEFCON 4 situation.
09:06I repeat, this is a DEFCON 4 situation.
09:11This is a DEFCON 4 situation.
09:41Make-up really is a godsend.
09:48Now that my cheeks are freshly rouged, I feel like a real human woman again.
09:52Like I can face the world.
09:53If the world didn't include Dr. Rick Douglas, M.D.
09:56What was up with him?
09:57I'm going to try and pump him for information.
09:59That's Liz coming.
10:01Remember, Douglas, she's psychic.
10:02Don't think of anything or she'll read your mind.
10:05Here, have a thumb of this book.
10:07It looks like a tawdry horror paperback, but it might just take your mind off things.
10:11Romford is the cruelest of cities.
10:16Nice start.
10:17Beneath its skylines' tattered shards lay a million broken dreams.
10:21This is good.
10:22I've misjudged the genre like so many.
10:24I'm going to find out what's really going on.
10:26I took that batch of slides down to floor six.
10:30That morning it had rained, but it cleared up again in the afternoon.
10:35It'll be great when that new microscope arrives.
10:37This great city was home to Trent Stockton.
10:40And when he saw injustice, anger rose up in him like a bad sandwich.
10:45Word is, it's coming Thursday, but you know what deliveries are like.
10:47Unreliable.
10:49Especially these days.
10:50Hold on, Dag.
10:51Remember, Liz can read your mind.
10:53He's on to me.
10:54Best change tack.
10:55What are you reading?
10:56Oh, er, nothing.
10:57Just some horror novel by this guy, Gareth Marenghi.
11:00Gareth Marenghi?
11:01He's my favourite.
11:02I've read everything he's done.
11:03I can take it or leave it.
11:05Shit, that was a really bad throw.
11:06I hope she doesn't see the photo I'm using as a bookmark.
11:09Who's this?
11:10That's my son.
11:11I didn't know you had a...
11:13He's dead.
11:15He was born half boy, half grasshopper.
11:17He never had a chance.
11:18End of.
11:21I think you'd better go, Liz.
11:22I think I'd better hide.
11:23Well, go then.
11:24I'm going.
11:25Bye.
11:26Goodbye.
11:30Now she's gone, I can think about the I-child.
11:33I-child?
11:38This episode is really about my own desire to have a son.
11:53I have four daughters, and whilst I don't blame them as such,
11:58I don't really feel they're on my side.
12:02And so you think this I-child is linked with the big I
12:04that raped the man in B-Wing?
12:06Maybe not linked, but they're definitely connected.
12:08It's just what Reeve feared.
12:09But why would Daglas be hiding it?
12:11Wait a minute.
12:12Today is the anniversary of Daglas' son's death.
12:14Maybe he's using this I-child to fill a void left by his dead son.
12:17It's a punt up a dark alley, but it's all I've got.
12:19Well, I suggest we tell Reed that it's Daglas
12:21who's harboring this mysterious I-child as soon as possible.
12:23Aye, aye.
12:24Hey, this cat's got claws.
12:26Everything's a joke to you, isn't it?
12:28Not everything, Liz.
12:29I'm going for a shower.
12:30I'll be with you in two secs.
12:31You can scrub my legs.
12:33Men.
12:33You better believe it.
12:35I'll phone Reed.
12:37Get me Reed.
12:38Oh, it's you.
12:39It's Sanj here.
12:40It's about Dag.
12:44Hey there, little guy.
12:48We're family now.
12:49You can call me Pops or Dada, and I can call you Skipper.
12:56I once had a little boy called Skipper.
13:00He was different, too.
13:02And when you're different, people fear you.
13:05Look at Michael Jackson.
13:07Or the Crankies, although I think they're quite shrewd.
13:09But it is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice, whether it be in Nam, where I fought for my country, or right here on the streets of Rumford.
13:19Come on.
13:22Let's get you back to bed, boys.
13:24Day draws into nightfall, yonder stars shine bright.
13:36You can be my baby.
13:37You can be my baby.
13:39I hope that is all right.
13:43Daddy, don't forget.
13:46I haven't, but you're dead.
13:50You have a little brother now, and one day we'll all meet in Valhalla.
14:20I love you, Skipper.
14:37Both of you.
14:45Put the eye down and your hands up.
14:47I repeat, put the eye down and your hands up.
14:53Give it up, Dag.
14:54That thing's a potential killer.
14:56Look at these lab results.
14:58If you're going to grab me by the balls, at least have the decency not to wave a piece of paper in my face at the same time.
15:03Look, Dag, don't get your panties in the scrunch.
15:05There's nothing we can do.
15:06My orders come from the top.
15:08This is from Wanton himself.
15:10I remember the old read.
15:12The reader wouldn't kowtow to Wanton.
15:14You know how I feel about Wanton.
15:15If I saw him in the street, I wouldn't even stop to slap his ass.
15:18But believe me, he's one fiery dragon whose tail you do not want to tug.
15:22Trust me, it won't be harmed.
15:25It has a name.
15:26It's called Skipper.
15:27Look, Rick.
15:28We all know you've had a coach class trip to hell and back with your dead son, but you've got to get over it.
15:33That thing's dangerous.
15:34Can't you see that?
15:35You know what, Sanch?
15:37You can dissect a heart, but you'll never find out what makes it skip a beat.
15:40Look, Dag.
15:41This is hospital business now.
15:43Hand him over.
15:45Kay.
15:46Kay.
15:47Kay.
15:49Kay.
15:50Kay.
15:52But as soon as I'd finished saying Kay to read, I had a fearful prema-vision.
15:57I knew what I had to do.
16:22Look out.
16:23He's got a stick.
16:24He's got a stick.
16:54Kay.
17:04Sit there, little man.
17:05Wash my glasses.
17:09Good God.
17:11I don't want me too fast.
17:12Keep away from me.
17:13Keep away.
17:14Keep away.
17:16He's insane.
17:17He doesn't know what he's doing.
17:21Pin him down, man.
17:22I don't want to get sick.
17:23Calm him down.
17:29You're acting like an ape. A wild ape.
17:33Just let me hold him in my arms one more time.
17:37All right, get up.
17:46Hello?
17:46Hello?
18:16Dag? Dag?
18:33It's time to go.
18:36If there's anything I can do.
18:40Anything.
18:44There is one plan.
18:46Just say the word.
18:48You know the chance?
18:49It's been taken care of.
18:50I got John to give it a quick wipe.
18:54I'll leave you alone to make you peace.
19:02Actually, sorry, Dag.
19:03They've just asked if you could be moved out.
19:05They need to bleach the sink.
19:12I haven't acted since.
19:14Some would say I didn't act during, but those would be unkind people.
19:19I did my best.
19:20He couldn't actually interact with another actor.
19:24I've never seen that before, and I've never seen that since.
19:28But I've just seen the tape here.
19:31It looks okay, though.
19:32Do you think that eye-child took over Dag's mind?
19:36I don't know.
19:37But it took over his heart.
19:39For a while, at least.
19:41I think Liz and I are going to go and check up on the guy.
19:44See how he is.
19:46You want to come, too?
19:47No.
20:08Hey.
20:10Hi.
20:15Hey.
20:16It's my fault.
20:22I should never have let myself get this close again.
20:26How's your head?
20:27It'll live.
20:29I've lost some vision in the left eye, though, and I get headaches.
20:32That's concussion.
20:33You've just got to sweat it out.
20:35Help yourself to Panadol from my locker.
20:37Thanks.
20:38Replace them when you get a chance.
20:39There's no rush.
20:42Thanks, Rick.
20:43She's a good girl, Dag.
20:52You're too hard on her.
20:53I know.
20:54I just don't find her physically attractive.
21:00Memories.
21:02They have a habit of sticking to you, like...
21:04Like a pub on a pipe?
21:10Yeah.
21:12Something like that.
21:14Come on.
21:16Let's get out of here.
21:17I'll buy you a drink down the drip.
21:19Can I take a rain check on that?
21:22My guts are playing up.
21:24Sure.
21:25Here's a pound if you change your mind.
21:28Thanks.
21:30Are you sure you're going to be all right?
21:33Can I take a rain check on that?
21:35You bet.
21:36Satch.
21:42Yeah.
21:44If you pass the post box, can you pop the sentence?
21:46My Paul's code.
21:47Sure thing.
21:53I'd been pound foolish.
21:55I could see that now.
21:57And that takes humility.
21:58Nothing could take the place of my son.
22:03Not even a pet.
22:04Though I would like a Jack Russell.
22:05They're very clever dogs.
22:07I thought back to the good times we had together.
22:09We'd play games all the time.
22:11I'd beat him easily, of course, but that wasn't the point.
22:14He learned something important from each fresh defeat.
22:19The one thing he could do was outjump me.
22:21That, one day, would prove to be his undoing.
22:25But I'd need a scotch before I told you about that one.
22:28All I'm saying is it involved a hop and the blades of a helicopter.
22:31The pube-on-the-pipe metaphor came from a real-life incident,
22:59which I observed in the gents at Dean's.
23:01All I know is the pube weren't mine,
23:06cos mine are grey, or indeed white.
23:09So I can't take credit for that one.
23:13In the end, I picked up that pube.
23:15I'm glad I did, because it made that gents a better place to be in.
23:18And that is my question to the government.
23:20Are you prepared to get your hands dirty,
23:22or are you going to let things clog up the system?
23:25Let's go.
23:26Let's go.
23:27Let's go.
23:28Let's go.
23:29Let's go.
23:30Let's go.
23:31Let's go.
23:32Let's go.
23:33Let's go.
23:34Let's go.
23:35Let's go.
23:36Let's go.
23:37Let's go.
23:38Let's go.
23:39Let's go.
23:40Let's go.
23:41Let's go.
23:42Let's go.
23:43Let's go.
23:44Let's go.
23:45Let's go.
23:46Let's go.
23:47Let's go.
23:48Let's go.
23:49Let's go.
23:50Let's go.
23:51Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a Garth Marenghi production in association with Dean Lerner.
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