- 4 months ago
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00:00This job just doesn't get any easier.
00:07Is it you that found the body?
00:11Yeah, I found it by my cave next to my fire first thing this morning.
00:15And can I ask what you do?
00:17I'm a caveman, same as everyone else.
00:19Of course.
00:20Yeah, so I found the body first thing
00:22and I immediately went to fetch the caveman police.
00:24You did the right thing. Leave it to us.
00:26We're getting an expert in to determine cause of death.
00:29Right.
00:30And here is cavewoman pathologist Ursula.
00:32Morning, detective.
00:33Morning, Ursula.
00:34This could be an interesting one.
00:36Well, let's have a look.
00:37Oh.
00:38It looks like this man was killed with some kind of stone implement.
00:42Not again.
00:43It's rife.
00:44Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technology
00:47has been a bit of a double-edged sword.
00:48No, what?
00:49Nothing.
00:50I've no idea.
00:51Time of death?
00:52Er...
00:53Well, I think I can narrow it down to, er...
00:56some time before now.
00:58OK.
00:59Let's start investigating.
01:01Did anyone see this man being killed?
01:03No.
01:04Right, I'm all out of ideas.
01:07All we know is that at some point, before now,
01:10someone hit this man to death with a stone
01:13and no-one saw who it was.
01:15The perfect crime.
01:16The perfect crime.
01:17The perfect crime.
01:18Oh, my God!
01:19Yeah!
01:20No, no, no, no, no, no!
01:21Where did they come from?
01:22nants music starts
01:23and
01:25yes!
01:30Look, you're over.
01:35Oh, my God, I found him!
01:37Admiral, it brings shocking news.
01:50Two hours ago, our beloved Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, took his own life.
01:55Oh, right. That is sad.
01:59And you, Admiral Danitz, have been named as his successor.
02:07Yes! Yes! Woo! In your face, Göring!
02:10Woo! Yes! Woo!
02:12Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, guys.
02:15Woo! Beat it!
02:17This is a great opportunity.
02:25I've got loads of great ideas for Germany.
02:29I think we should do more autobahns. They're great.
02:32I think we need to look at pensions.
02:34There's a growing housing shortage.
02:36Uh, listen.
02:37Oh, actually, sorry. Can I just make a quick call?
02:40Yes, mein Fuhrer.
02:42Nice.
02:45Hi. Darling.
02:47Yeah, it's me.
02:48You're never going to guess.
02:49They've made me the new Fuhrer.
02:52Yeah. Yeah, shot himself.
02:55Well, Frida, this is an opportunity that I've just got to take.
02:59Well, they were hardly going to give me the job when everything was going really well, were they?
03:03No, we'll talk about this later, okay?
03:07But, but, Heil me, though, eh?
03:10Heil me.
03:13Oh.
03:13Right, where was I?
03:17Oh, yes, ideas.
03:18When can we have a policy meeting?
03:19We've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of priorities.
03:23Oh, yeah?
03:25Yeah.
03:25So, here's General Eisenhower's telephone number, here's the English for, we give up, and here's
03:35an analysis of our military situation in one rude word.
03:40Well, I've taken the wind out of my sails a bit, there.
03:51Hang on, this isn't just one of those pranks you play on all the new Fuhrers, is it?
03:55No.
04:02Oh, I see.
04:04So, you just need someone to say that we've surrendered?
04:09Seems silly, I know, but, um, no, we just literally do need someone, actually, to say we've done that.
04:17Right.
04:18It's red tape, really.
04:20You see, I thought I was going to get to be a proper...
04:24Yes, that was our fault.
04:25We, um, we didn't mean to give you that impression.
04:29All right, I'll make the call.
04:33Um, you wouldn't mind just doing me a quick Heil Dernitz, would you?
04:40Just so I can say I've had one.
04:44I don't think that would...
04:45Please.
04:49Oh, Dernitz.
04:55Thanks, guys.
05:05Hello, and welcome to Wordwang, the spin-off series with a difference, and that difference is words.
05:10Joining me tonight are Julie from Yorkshire and Simon, who is from a factory and made from a special metal.
05:15So, Julie, ever killed a man?
05:17No.
05:18Simon?
05:18Yes.
05:19Great, let's play Wordwang.
05:22Round one, Julie to play first.
05:24Shed.
05:25Frowl.
05:26Buzz.
05:26Sorry, are you buzzing in?
05:27No.
05:27That's Wordwang.
05:29Simon?
05:30Smear.
05:30Towards.
05:31Fastidious.
05:32That's Wordwang.
05:33On to round three, animals.
05:35Simon?
05:36Mattress.
05:36That's Wordwang.
05:38However.
05:38That's Wordwang.
05:40Deforesting.
05:41That's Wordwang.
05:42Lineage.
05:42Oh, bad luck, Julie.
05:45That's not an animal.
05:46You lose two letters.
05:48So, Uli, it's you to start as we move on to the word board.
05:51Today's categories, countries of the world.
05:53I'll take Bethania, Finland, and the Independent Republic of Yeb.
05:57That's Wordwang.
05:59Simon?
05:59I'll have Mimji, Wontestan, and Ireland.
06:04Oh, bad luck, Simon.
06:05I'm afraid Ireland's not a vegetable.
06:07You lose three letters.
06:08So, as we enter the final round, Im, you're leading with tarpaulin, and Uli, you're trailing
06:13with H. It's time for you both to face the Wordwangarator.
06:16Let's rotate the board.
06:18Welcome back to the Wordwangarator.
06:33Word up, Im.
06:35Brisket.
06:35Oh, good.
06:36Uli?
06:36Parallel.
06:37Nice.
06:38Nice.
06:38Nice.
06:39Nearly.
06:39Almost.
06:40Pinch.
06:41Emboldened.
06:42Arbitrarily.
06:43Oh.
06:43Crevice.
06:44E.
06:44Crevasse.
06:45Cravat.
06:46Thai?
06:47Yes, that is Wordwang!
06:51Em, you've beaten the Wordwangarator, making you today's Wordwang.
06:55Uli, you've been Wordwangarated, making you today's anti-Wordwang.
06:59Until tomorrow, good Wordwang!
07:0215 years we've been waiting for them to fit that.
07:21Oh, and that's a bad miss.
07:23And young Mark Deacon will be very sad to have missed that blue, but hopefully not as sad
07:29as he was about six months ago.
07:35Yes, indeed.
07:36I think the whole of Snooker was very much behind Mark in the terrible battle he's had
07:42with his own personal demons.
07:44Yes, I'm sure Mark wouldn't mind it being known that he has, of course, sadly tried to
07:49top himself twice.
07:50Yes, but that's many fewer times than he's tried to reach the final of a ranking tournament.
07:58And he hasn't managed that either.
08:01I still think it was insensitive of Steve Davis to say that to his face.
08:05That was cold.
08:08I mean, in the middle of the dance floor, at the end of season bash, and Steve Davis,
08:12your childhood hero, is screaming at you, cheer the F up, you miserable C.
08:16It's enough to make anyone reach for the paracetamol.
08:21I wouldn't like it.
08:25So, four bedrooms, off-road parking, nice bit of garden at the back.
08:29Great.
08:29Here we are.
08:34So, Tom's a banker.
08:36What does Wendy do?
08:37I work for a charity.
08:39Oh, yeah?
08:39Which one?
08:40It's a charity that provides counselling and practical support for survivors of torture.
08:46Torture?
08:47Really?
08:48Ooh.
08:49I'll tell you what's torture around here.
08:51The traffic.
08:52Getting around the North Circular every morning.
08:54That makes me a torture survivor.
08:55Right.
08:56No, not really.
08:59So, you must have some stories.
09:01Um.
09:02So, go on.
09:02What is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone you've counselled?
09:05Oh, you know, some not very nice things.
09:08Yeah, I bet.
09:09But what's the worst thing?
09:10I mean, the really gruesome stuff.
09:12Look, I don't think...
09:13No, come on.
09:13What's the really...
09:14Oh, my God, I can't believe they do that to people.
09:17The most disgusting torture that anyone's ever been through and lived to tell the tale.
09:21Look, you really don't want to know.
09:22I do.
09:23No, look, you don't.
09:24I do.
09:25I really do.
09:26Oh, come on.
09:26How bad can it be?
09:29Well, um, I once worked with someone who...
09:32And obviously, coping with that was very difficult for him.
09:38So, the en suite in there, is that the only bathroom?
09:41You callous bitch.
09:43Standing around with your latte, looking for somewhere nice with a girl.
09:47A garden in zone two, when you know what you know about what goes on.
09:51You have to learn to remain detached.
09:52Oh, right.
09:53Oh, it's just a job for you, is it?
09:55Nine to five.
09:56Oh, I'm sorry, Mbulu, that does sound like a pisser, but I've got to knock off half an hour early
09:59because I've got to go and see a lovely garden flat in Muswell Hill that's going cheap
10:03and then someone's coming around to mend the dishwasher.
10:05But that holds no terror for me because I've not learned to associate a knock on the door
10:09with unspeakable violation.
10:10I see what you're saying, but everyone has to have a day off.
10:14I need a fucking month off now!
10:17That has brought up a lot of things.
10:20Right.
10:20A lot of things.
10:22I didn't mean to...
10:23I think it's best if you go.
10:24Don't leave me!
10:31OK, so we're going to try and stage a bit of a reconstruction, see if it jogs anyone's memory.
10:38So, the victim was on his way back to his cave from hunting or starting a fire or...
10:44Well, that's it.
10:45Off you go, I...
10:48When the attacker may have done something like this.
10:52Something like that, we don't know.
11:00Is he dead now?
11:03That's a very good reconstruction.
11:09You know, I think what's happened over the last 50 or so years
11:11is that shopping has become a kind of leisure pursuit that people can actually enjoy, you know?
11:16Yeah, you're right.
11:17People have got a lot more money and everything's just a hell of a lot more relaxed now.
11:20Can I help you, sir?
11:22Yeah, cheers.
11:24I'm just vaguely looking at suits right now.
11:26Something cash but also kind of cool and dark so you can wear it in the evening.
11:30A business suit that is simultaneously a dinner suit and a tailcoat and a pair of pyjamas.
11:35Yeah, around a kind of 100, 150 mark.
11:38Which is fashion from sackcloth and string.
11:41I'm sorry?
11:41Do you wish to look smart or are you merely looking for a newer version of what you're wearing at the moment?
11:46Oh, well, if you've got something like this, then...
11:48You mean something Italian and ill-fitting and so shiny I can see my face in it.
11:52In stark contrast to your shoes.
11:56Er...
11:56Yeah.
11:58We do not.
12:01Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
12:05She's gone, sir.
12:07They've all gone.
12:08They've all been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them.
12:13And we're back.
12:15Who?
12:15The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes.
12:21I'm afraid we don't like being talked to by people with their hands in their pockets.
12:24I beg your pardon?
12:26I'll overlook it just this once.
12:28Listen, I've seen you in here before.
12:31I've seen you slouching around the place in your slip-on shoes and your motorcycle jacket,
12:35looking like a mechanic who's won the pools.
12:37I've seen you with your tin earring and your black marketeer swagger.
12:40We've all seen you and we all thought you were a turd.
12:43Now, do you wish to be smart or do you wish to leave this place as you entered it,
12:48looking like a slack-jawed spiff?
12:51Why are you treating me like this?
12:53Because I'm trying to help you.
12:55I'm trying to help you to have standards.
12:57I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you.
13:00You aren't needed or included or loved.
13:02You're ugly and superfluous and ignorant.
13:05And you should be frightened and meek and grateful.
13:09Right.
13:10That's better.
13:11Now, first things first, let's get you a hat.
13:19Do you think people are going to like these sort of private moments where we're just being ourselves?
13:24This isn't private.
13:25There's a camera there.
13:27Well, no.
13:28But still, it is more, you know, the kind of stuff where...
13:32The sort of bits where we're just, you know, chatting and kind of, I don't know how to put it, but, you know.
13:40This is all scripted.
13:41What?
13:42This is as made up as the rest of it.
13:44This isn't improvised.
13:45Look.
13:47Bloody hell.
13:48It says I say bloody hell here.
13:50Yeah, I know.
13:50That's my cue.
13:51David.
13:52Yeah, I know.
13:53That's my cue.
13:54Yeah.
13:54Just put that away.
14:01It says I don't.
14:02Well, what happens next?
14:04It says cut to a close-up of the script.
14:06It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
14:09It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
14:11It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
14:13It goes on forever.
14:15Shit.
14:16Yeah.
14:19You say shit.
14:20Pass up an ultimate line.
14:30Oh, and that's a bad miss.
14:34Yeah, and viewers in the north may once again be experiencing sound difficulties.
14:39Come on.
14:40Oh, that can't do.
14:43Yes, well, that was a lucky chance for young Mark Deacon.
14:45But as usual, he approaches the table with, how does one put it, a face like a slapped arse.
14:52Have you ever seen that man smile, Ted?
14:54Only in his sleep, Peter.
14:57Only in his sleep.
14:59Viewers might want a bit of background on that, because I believe it was you, Ted, who foiled one of Mark's, how shall we put it, bids for oblivion, wasn't it?
15:08I have that honour.
15:10It was during the Welsh Open, and Mark had been knocked out that day.
15:15And I was just making me way back to me hotel room at around about four in the morning from the bar.
15:21And as luck would have it, Mark had the room next to me in the hotel, and something had been up all week, because I could hear him late at night singing the snooker words to Lady in Red.
15:32I should explain to viewers that there are some special snooker words to the pop song Lady in Red, which all of us in snooker know.
15:42There are. There are secret special snooker words to Lady in Red that we all know.
15:47Viewers are perhaps interested to know what the secret special snooker words to Lady in Red actually are.
15:53Yes, but unfortunately, we're all sworn to secrecy.
15:58Anyway, Mark's hotel bedroom door was open, and I could hear water running.
16:03Tell us again what you did, Ted.
16:05Yeah, well, I went in there, and I made him sick it all up.
16:09But he was inconsolable.
16:11Kept going on about his queuing, which is far from perfect, but I didn't say that.
16:16You did right.
16:16I remember I just held him for hours until he stopped sobbing and managed slowly to drift off to sleep.
16:27That was very kind of you, Ted, especially with your back.
16:30It was murder, Peter, but at least it wasn't suicide.
16:39So, in Tudor times, you'd have just settled into your bath of baked beans, or more likely water.
16:43We're using baked beans to make it a bit more fun, when you think, oh, no, I can't reach my bar of Tudor soap without getting out and getting spats of baked bean, or more likely water in those days.
16:51But we're using baked beans to make it more fun all over my nice Tudor floor.
16:55And remember, there was no lino in those days.
16:57So, the Tudors came up with an ingenious solution, which was twofold.
17:01So, first of all, there's the horn, which you sound to alert your Tudor servants.
17:06But, of course, they wouldn't always hear you, because deafness was a big problem in Tudor times, what with the Wars of the Roses and the Gigs.
17:12So, in parallel, they had this ingenious contraption.
17:15How it works is you turn the handle and pull down on the lever, and it extends this arm.
17:20Now, normally, there'd be some sort of grabber on the end of it, but we're using a boxing glove, because it's a lot more fun.
17:25And, as you can see, it actually reaches the soap.
17:28And, yes, I'd say it. I've touched the soap. I've actually touched the soap.
17:32You're really good.
17:33Ha, ha, ha.
17:34We've nearly finished yet, Jim.
17:36That's it.
17:37Now, what about that sex we discussed?
17:41All aboard that's going aboard, I've got potato crisps on my feet.
17:46Jim, I've been meaning to say, could we have sex like we used to without all the wackiness?
17:52What wackiness?
17:53You know, the cycle helmet and the crisps and the shouting bingo.
17:56Bingo!
17:58Remember when you were sexy?
18:01Sexy?
18:01You're a very, very sexy man, Jim. You've just forgotten.
18:06Sounds a bit poor-faced.
18:08I was going through some of your old things the other day.
18:11Look at this stuff. You were cool. You were an angry, brilliant young historian.
18:16You used to order martinis and only buy cigarettes in soft packs.
18:20I just feel so empty.
18:28Thanks for trying.
18:29I was a toss pot.
18:32Well, maybe a bit, but couldn't you pretend to be like that again?
18:36Oh, all right, Anne.
18:38Oh, it's so serious, foreplay, foreplay.
18:41You're not trying.
18:42Well, I can't do it, Anne.
18:44You're never going to make me regret the day I learned how to make facts fun.
18:47I'm never going back.
18:49This is it now, Anne.
18:50With my helmet and my horn and my folding bicycle,
18:53I'd make millions of people give a shit about the seed drill.
18:55And if you don't mind, I'm just going to go and wank off about that.
18:59Oh, Jim!
19:08Bingo!
19:09Bingo!
19:10Bingo!
19:10Please, could you do it without the honking?
19:13You know perfectly well that without the honking, nothing happens.
19:18So, David, you're a comedian, are you?
19:25That sounds like fun.
19:27Yes, I suppose it is.
19:29Actually, there are a couple of funny things happening in our chiropractors.
19:32You could probably use them in your comedy show.
19:36Seriously?
19:36Well, you probably have people suggesting stuff all the time.
19:41I wish.
19:43No.
19:44We're really stuck for ideas.
19:46What have you got?
19:47Oh.
19:47Well, there's funny words, like coccyx, which sounds a bit like, well, I don't need to tell
19:53you, you're a comedian.
19:56Cock!
19:56Of course, yes.
19:58Sounds like cock.
19:59Certainly a laugh in that.
20:00Oh, super.
20:01Anything else?
20:02Because, as I say, we really are screwed.
20:05Any wacky incidents or zany people?
20:08Well, there's my assistant, Debbie.
20:09She's quite a character.
20:11Brilliant.
20:12A character.
20:13So, how's your character?
20:16Er, well, she sometimes wears a hat.
20:19A hat, good.
20:22That could be funny.
20:23This is great.
20:25Coccyx, a hat.
20:27Well, certainly use both of those.
20:29Anything else?
20:31No.
20:32That's just, I'm afraid.
20:33Loads of the two funny things.
20:36Oh, that's a shame.
20:37Because I must stress that we really are bang out of ideas.
20:41And if you can't think of anything, we'll probably just do this.
20:44What?
20:44This conversation?
20:46Yeah.
20:47Wow.
20:47That's exciting.
20:49So, what, you play me?
20:51No, I play myself.
20:52What, shall I play me then?
20:54No, no, we'd get Robert to do it.
20:56Well, does he look like me?
21:00Yeah.
21:02Er, no, I don't know.
21:04You're not going to try and make me look ridiculous just to get a cheap laugh?
21:08Or give me some kind of gratuitous speaking payment?
21:12No.
21:13No, of course not.
21:14Er, I'm worried that you're just going to try and humiliate me.
21:17You're just going to humiliate me on the telly.
21:18Er, no, no, not at all.
21:24I suppose we might heighten the reality a little for comic effect.
21:27I know, Debbie.
21:32Here's your paperwork, sir.
21:34Excuse me.
21:35Sorry, sorry.
21:36I'm really sorry to interrupt, but, excuse me, sorry.
21:39But I'm David Mitchell's real chiropractor.
21:41I'm actually quite upset because, well, I mean, this isn't...
21:48Well, that wasn't...
21:50That wasn't anything like the conversation we had in my office the other week.
22:06For a start, I don't sound anything like that.
22:08Sorry.
22:09And secondly, while I was easing off his sciatic nerve,
22:14I told David Mitchell several genuinely amusing chiropractic stories.
22:19Like the time I was treating Tony Blackburn,
22:21and afterwards he said to me,
22:22if anyone hears the real disc jockey,
22:25it's you.
22:26Which was hilarious.
22:29That was good, yeah.
22:42Still got it.
22:43The blood of Christ keep you an eternal life.
23:01The blood of Christ keep you an eternal life.
23:07In a time future historians will one day call the past
23:13and a place I wish I could name,
23:14but it's been a confusing week.
23:16Who is left to look out for the man in the street
23:17in case he wants his mobile back?
23:19Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me,
23:21Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
23:23Do you know who I am?
23:24Do you know who I am?
23:30Ginger, do you know who I am?
23:32You're Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, sir.
23:35Of course.
23:36Thanks.
23:37The story so far.
23:38In my continuing quest to find out just who is behind it all,
23:41and by all, I do mean all,
23:43Ginger and I have been invited to an evening
23:45at Her Majesty's pleasure,
23:46but we can't get there because we're in prison.
23:48I've got a plan.
23:53Officer, he's done it.
23:55He's gone and done it.
23:56I tried to reason with him,
23:58but he wouldn't listen.
23:58I wish I knew how you did that, Ginger.
24:18Well, Sir, my Dad used to hang me regularly as a child.
24:22And those were the good days.
24:23Ha-ha!
24:24What happened on the bad days?
24:26He tried to have sex with me.
24:28Oh, yes.
24:29Sorry.
24:30Still, that was ages ago.
24:31You must be over it by now.
24:33Oh, yeah.
24:34I think my life's more or less on track now.
24:39All right, sir.
24:41Shall we go down the arcade and look for 10 Ps?
24:44Ah!
24:44A search for clues.
24:46Good thinking.
24:47To the Slotties!
24:48Where will my nemesis make his first inevitable mistake?
24:56Will he abolish the duty on cider?
24:58Leave a bin full of oyster cards lying around?
25:00Or will he fall for my latest cover identity,
25:02the pimp for some Filipino teenagers?
25:04Find out next get in,
25:05the surprising adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
25:08Piss up!
25:10I'll go one!
25:13Oh, and that's a cracking pot.
25:20And yet, not so much as a flicker of joy
25:23on Mark Deacon's jowly death mask of a face.
25:27I mean, he must be pleased.
25:29I think he's just one of these people
25:31who finds it very difficult to be happy.
25:33He thinks too much, Ted.
25:35That's his problem.
25:35I keep saying to him,
25:36Mark, don't go so far inside your head with the snooker.
25:39The soul is like a pocket.
25:41There's no coming out unless you're a colour or the white.
25:45Well, Peter, I know you won't mind me saying,
25:47and Mark certainly won't,
25:49that you've been a tremendous support to Mark
25:51over the last couple of years.
25:53Especially that other time he took 200 pills.
25:57I picked up the phone, Ted.
25:59That's all I did.
26:00I happened to be there.
26:01Mark rang me.
26:02Was it a call for help?
26:03In a way it was, yes.
26:04What did he say?
26:05He said, help.
26:06Help me, Peter.
26:07Me safety plate is all to crap.
26:09I can't go on.
26:09And you were straight in the car and round there,
26:12weren't you, Peter?
26:12Just as soon as I got the swing ball in the boot, yes.
26:16Now, Peter, for those of us who don't know the story,
26:19explain the significance of the swing ball.
26:22Well, it was just a crazy notion that I had
26:24that it would help to relax him.
26:26And so I got him out in the garden, in the dark,
26:30playing swing ball, tears streaming down his face.
26:32And I said to him, Mark, be honest.
26:35Is this not a little bit better than being dead?
26:38And what did he say, Peter?
26:40He said, yes, Ted.
26:42And we played swing ball all through that beautiful night
26:45until the sun came up and things started to feel a little better.
26:50Well, Mark, this is for you.
26:52Never seen you looking so shiny as you did tonight.
27:08Never seen your base so tight.
27:11You were amazing.
27:13Never seen so many players wonder if the long pot is on
27:19Looking for a little cannon
27:22A cut as thin as a thong
27:26And I have never seen such a clearance
27:30Such a clearance in all the parks in every way
27:35No more safety play
27:38Table of Reds
27:42Is dancing with me
27:48Cush to cush
27:51Nothing is wrong
27:54This big pink is on
28:00But where's the cue ball gone?
28:04And I hardly know
28:07To play with stun on our side
28:14Never to forget
28:19This shot to nothing life
28:25Never to forget
28:31My table of reds
28:38That's for you, Mark
28:48Keep on keeping on
28:52God bless and cheer the fuck up
28:55Here we go
29:05You?
29:05You
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