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00:00.
00:23Truly this is an historic day.
00:25Their gracious majesty's confidence in humble Columbus is vindicated.
00:29There is a western route to the Indies.
00:32And therefore I hereby name these islands the West Indies.
00:37Uh, East Indies.
00:39What?
00:40East Indies, surely.
00:41What are you talking about? We sailed west to find them, didn't we?
00:44They're to the west of us, therefore they're the West Indies.
00:48Yeah, but I thought the whole point was that we were proving that the world is a globe.
00:51So if these truly are the Indies, which incidentally is something else I'd quite like to talk to you about at some point,
00:57but assuming they are the Indies, then they must be the East Indies.
01:00The most easterly point of the Indies. Do you see?
01:05Do you see this?
01:07It's your hat.
01:09What kind of hat?
01:10Captain's hat.
01:12And what does that make me?
01:13Captain.
01:14Yes, it does.
01:16And what does that make these?
01:18The West Indies.
01:20Bingo.
01:21Hi. Congratulations. Well done.
01:22Oh, thanks, Martin.
01:23Well, I won't gab along because, you know, this is your big day and you've got all these other nice people to see,
01:37but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about your dad, Helen.
01:40Oh, well, yeah, thanks.
01:42I was so shocked when I heard the news. I didn't even know he was ill. I mean, bloody hell.
01:46Well, anyway, never mind that now. I mean, mind that now, but, you know, this is your big day and I got you a card.
01:51Do you want to put it with...
01:52Oh, it's not a wedding card. It's a I'm sorry your dad's dead card.
01:56Which I am. I'm just having to get a bit of a move on with all these lovely people.
02:00And, Mike, here's a congratulations on your engagement card.
02:03Well, well, better late than never.
02:05Exactly. And I'm sorry she dumped you. But she didn't. So I think we're up to date now.
02:12Oh, and this is for if you have a child and this is for if it dies.
02:17Well, I'll pop off now because this is your big day and you've got all these other people to see.
02:22You don't need me going on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
02:25I've got cancer, but listen, that's nothing to do with it. This is your bit.
02:29I just don't see you very often, so I thought I'd strike while the iron.
02:32Oh, God, is it serious? Are you all right?
02:34I'm completely... Don't worry about... Look at all these people. I'm holding everything up. Oh, God.
02:41Is there anything we can do?
02:44No, no, no, no, no, no. Seriously, I'm as happy as Larry, really.
02:50So, look, if I don't see you again, I mean, ever again, then have a bloody good one.
02:59Lovely service. Great service.
03:03Good morning, housewives and layabouts of the British Empire. This is television talking in your head.
03:12Welcome to this, the first experimental broadcast of television during the day, or as we call it, Elevens' Television.
03:18But first, the king.
03:20You're watching television. Stay tuned.
03:25At this time tomorrow, another chance to catch footage of Hitler's corpse, where pictures of the charred remains of Corporal Hitler are accompanied by a selection of Vera Lynn's b-sides.
03:33But now, our new daily conversation programme, hosted by Mrs Patricia Wilberforce, the Mrs Patricia Wilberforce programme.
03:40Good morning, ladies and the war wounded. My name is Mrs Patricia Wilberforce. Today, we will be discussing real-life sticky situations as much as is seemly.
03:59My first guest is Mr Albert Compton, whose wife claims he has a tendency to behave in an inappropriate manner.
04:06Mr Compton, do be seated.
04:11Oh, I don't like to make a fuss.
04:13Oh, it's always like this.
04:14What?
04:15I'm sorry, but we'll have to stop it there, as Mrs Compton has said fuck.
04:23Oh, I do beg your pardon, viewers. Mrs Compton didn't say fuck after all.
04:28Thank you, Mr and Mrs Albert Compton.
04:33My next guest is Miss Margaret Blyton, who, following an incident in the blackout, has got herself in the family way.
04:39And I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that I hope that Miss Blyton's unfortunate fiancé insists on a deoxyribonucleic acid test when the little bastard is whelped.
04:56Join me next time on the Mrs Patricia Wilberforce programme, when I'll be telling the shocking story of Mrs Elsie Taylor,
05:02who freely admits to taking two sherries before dinner, and whom I shall be having imprisoned for delinquency.
05:08Goodbye.
05:12Are you in some way uncouth? It will be our researcher's very great pleasure to make your acquaintance.
05:16Kindly telephone us on Mayfair 426 and state your business.
05:19Morning, horse. How are you?
05:25Um, are we okay?
05:28Uh, I know a lot of things got said yesterday. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm sure you have.
05:35But, um, I think we've probably both overreacted.
05:39You look well.
05:41Look, I can understand if you aren't in a very good mood with me at the moment, what with all the fallings outs and whatnot.
05:51Which is why...
05:53Ta-da!
05:54It's alright, it's not a gun.
05:56Joke!
05:58Which is why I thought I could cheer us up with a song.
06:02Which I wrote.
06:03Feel free to join in at any point.
06:11You are not alone.
06:15I am here with you.
06:17Join in.
06:18Though we're far apart.
06:21Any time now.
06:22You're always in my heart.
06:24Come on, horse.
06:25You are not alone.
06:27After me.
06:28I am here.
06:29Alright, forget it!
06:30Just forget it!
06:31I mean, what was it?
06:33Was it the gun joke?
06:34It.
06:35Was.
06:36A.
06:37Joke!
06:38Have you got a sense of humour?
06:40Why is it always me with the peace pipe?
06:43I am always the one carrying the white flag!
06:47It was a joke!
06:52So, Sir Walter, the new world lies at our feet.
06:55And have you given any thought, I wonder, as to what to call it?
06:58We shall name it, of course, after our beloved Queen.
07:01Oh, yes, of course.
07:02Sorry, sir.
07:03Let it pass, and hail to this glorious land, Virginia!
07:08Er...
07:09What?
07:10Who's Virginia?
07:11Why, the Queen of England, you dog!
07:13Oh, right.
07:14Except, I don't know how to put this, but she's not called Virginia, is she?
07:18She's called Elizabeth.
07:19I'm well aware of that, but she is, I trust you will agree, a virgin.
07:24Er...
07:25Yeah, as far as I know.
07:26I mean, I'm sure she is, but do we really want to name a country after that fact?
07:30Well, why not?
07:31Well, it seems a bit rude.
07:32Rude?
07:33How so rude?
07:34Well, you know, to other nations, bringing up the fact that our Queen's never done it seems a bit personal.
07:38They might not want to know.
07:40OK, well, maybe I'll have a think about it.
07:42Oh, er...
07:43Hang on.
07:44Remind me.
07:45Who's the captain?
07:46You are.
07:47And whose boat is it?
07:49Your boat.
07:50Yeah, and who is it that decides what we call the...
07:53You know?
07:54You do.
07:55Do I?
07:56Yes.
07:57Do I really?
07:58Yes.
07:59Welcome to Virginia.
08:03Can I just take this out?
08:10Oh, and can I reserve Cold Mountain?
08:21No.
08:22Pardon?
08:23I said no.
08:24I'm not going to reserve that for you.
08:25This is far more appropriate for you.
08:27Well, I know it's silly.
08:29I just thought I'd read some...
08:30God-awful rubbish, like you always do.
08:32Yeah, I'd steer clear of Cold Mountain if I were you.
08:35It's not like when you watched it on DVD with your girlfriends.
08:38There's no dishy Jude law to hold your hands through the difficult prose.
08:43What?
08:44Yes.
08:45It's all words.
08:46Most of them quite a lot longer than the ones you'd find in your copy of Top Sante.
08:50I...
08:51Or Grazia.
08:56Look at that.
08:57That's a comprehensive list of all the depressing books you've ever taken out.
09:01Do you know what that tells me?
09:03No.
09:04It tells me you are possibly the dullest, most dunder-headed female ever to scrape together
09:09the mental wherewithal correctly to fill in a library application form.
09:13Did you have help?
09:14Did I what?
09:15Shh!
09:16This is a library.
09:17Just look at it.
09:19It's like the reading list of the University of Thick.
09:22I went to Warwick.
09:23When you talk to people, do you find they do this a lot?
09:26Uh-huh.
09:27Yeah.
09:28Fine.
09:29Uh-huh.
09:30Yeah.
09:31Mmm.
09:32Well, I...
09:33It's because they're not listening.
09:34When your friends see you, essentially they're doing you a favour.
09:36You're like a sort of charity for them.
09:38It's their way of giving something back.
09:40Basically, you're like him.
09:42I'm making my donation now.
09:47I don't believe you're saying all this.
09:48Uh-huh.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Fine.
09:51Uh-huh.
09:52Yeah.
09:53What gives you the rights?
09:54Of course, it's difficult for you to grasp.
09:55You're a real idiot.
09:56Possibly one of the stupidest people I've ever met.
09:59And I lived in Leatherhead for six miserable years.
10:02I'm getting bored just looking at you.
10:04You with your grey face and your dead eyes.
10:07Hmm.
10:08But...
10:09Hmm.
10:10Hmm.
10:11Bored!
10:12Are you still here, you soporific dullard?
10:15You're right.
10:18It's all true.
10:21My friends hate me.
10:23There, there.
10:24And what can I do?
10:26Yes.
10:27What to do?
10:28What to do?
10:29What to do?
10:30What to do?
10:31I've had a little thought.
10:34What?
10:35How about a little date?
10:38Hmm?
10:39Just you and me out and about on a little date.
10:42You'd like that, wouldn't you?
10:45Oh, yes, I'd like that.
10:48I think I'd like to go on a little date with you.
10:52Do you think that would be all right?
10:54Yes.
10:55A little date would suit me just fine.
11:00No, I can't do Thursday, I'm making that documentary.
11:05What documentary?
11:06Oh, I'm making a documentary about the Battle of Stalingrad.
11:09Since when?
11:10They asked me, ages ago.
11:12Why didn't they ask me?
11:13I don't know, they probably didn't think it was your thing.
11:16My...
11:17It could be my thing.
11:18I could make a documentary.
11:19All you have to do is learn your lines and vaguely look like you know what you're talking about.
11:23Yeah, I know, it's good, isn't it?
11:25Although, in this case, I actually do know quite a lot about the Battle of Stalingrad.
11:29What, because you've read Stalingrad?
11:31Not just that.
11:32And you've played a character in a sitcom who's also read Stalingrad.
11:34So they put one and one together and get someone who's not only pretended to read a book,
11:38but has also read a book.
11:40That is definitely not how it works.
11:43Causing untold loss of life and destroying several major buildings.
11:47If you've just joined us, the breaking news is that everything is now fine after a major incident.
11:52Let's go over now live to our reporter, Eric Turner, who's at the scene of where everything is now fine.
11:58Thank you, Tim.
11:59Yes, the news we're getting from the security services is that everything is fine here and back to normal.
12:03That's the latest.
12:04As you can see behind me, everything is now fine.
12:07Ignore the smoke, that's just from the recent explosion because, as I say, everything is fine now.
12:11Can you tell us if there have been any fatalities?
12:13Nobody's dying at the moment, everything's fine.
12:15There have been some recent deaths due to the major incident, but that's over now and everything's fine.
12:20So the death toll is no longer rising?
12:22That's right. Everyone's either dead already or still alive, just like normal.
12:26I'm just hearing that someone else has died, but everything's fine now.
12:30Thank you, Eric.
12:32In other news, everything's fine in Shropshire after major flooding.
12:36The mayor of Shrewsbury has described the situation as totally okay, apart from the water everywhere, which will probably go after a bit.
12:43The hunt for the Aberdeen serial killer goes on, but the investigating officer has issued a statement saying that everything is fine almost the whole time,
12:51apart from the very small interludes during which the serial killer is actually murdering someone.
12:56So that all sounds pretty much fine. And now over to Karen with your emails.
13:01Thank you, Tim. Well, obviously most of your emails have been about how everything is fine.
13:05This is from John in London.
13:07Came out of nowhere, huge bang, sky lit up red, but then everything was fine again.
13:12Julie in Coventry described how everything was fine once my clothes stopped being on fire.
13:18And Arthur from the Wirral sums up the situation by saying those of us that are left alive are all fine.
13:24Thank you, Tim.
13:25Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers.
13:27The Telegraph leads with fineness resumed after major incident.
13:31The Guardian goes with major tragedy forms grisly backdrop to general okayness.
13:36The sun headline simply reads fine. The mirror, okay. And the Daily Mail, everything's fine. Fear it, fear it.
13:48Jerry, I think I've got something.
13:51What is it, Mike?
13:53It's very similar to a jewellery box I found in Nîmes in 86.
13:59It's the sort of thing a Roman governor's wife might have owned.
14:04I don't know.
14:07It's a videotape.
14:09This is incredible.
14:11This is the single most important archaeological discovery ever made.
14:15The Romans had video technology.
14:21Here we go.
14:24Extingue te stulte.
14:27Latin.
14:28Latin.
14:29As spoken by an actual ancient Roman.
14:31No, Nîmes.
14:32My infection.
14:35What's she saying?
14:36I think she's saying, turn that thing off, I haven't got my face on.
14:40And the man filming is saying, give us a kiss, darling.
14:44Astonishing.
14:46Ah, now, he's very senior.
14:48I think he must be a senator.
14:50And Jerry and I were particularly excited by this bit.
15:02So the toga is not only a practical item of clothing, given their climate.
15:07It also allows the Roman citizen to change discreetly into his swimming trunks.
15:18And there we are.
15:19All 106 minutes of it.
15:22I have my problems with this.
15:24For instance, here, my research suggests that a centurion of this period would not have worn a scabbard of that length.
15:31Well, actually, a scabbard of exactly that length, dating from exactly this period, was found in western Turkey.
15:36Well, congratulations. It's completely cleared up my reservations.
15:40Gentlemen, surely the big thing we all seem to be ignoring is...
15:44Color of the tunics.
15:45Precisely.
15:47Hold on.
15:49Have you all gone mad?
15:51This is a videotape.
15:53Yes, an ancient Roman videotape.
15:55Well done, Michael J.
15:56The Romans didn't have videotapes.
15:59It's made of plastic.
16:01Plastic wasn't invented until the 1950s.
16:03I find it incredible that this has been allowed to get this far.
16:07I am genuinely ashamed to be part of this faculty.
16:12Of course, Simon's quite right.
16:16I shouldn't realise it was too good to be true.
16:21I must seem very foolish to you all.
16:33Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself, Simon.
16:36This man has put his whole life into building up this department,
16:39and you sit there and destroy everything he's worked for without a moment's thought.
16:44You must feel very proud of yourself, Simon.
16:49Well done.
16:53I'm not saying it's completely impossible.
16:57I mean, the ancient Egyptians had brain surgery.
17:02Really, Simon?
17:03Yeah.
17:04And there's some evidence that the ancient Egyptians had batteries as well.
17:14Great.
17:15Right, then.
17:16Well, I think we should go public with this.
17:19But it does mean everyone in this room staking their professional reputation on that.
17:24Are you all prepared to do it?
17:27Simon, we started to have a couple of reservations a minute ago.
17:29Are you sure you're happy?
17:30Are you all happy?
17:33Um...
17:35Yeah.
17:37Yeah.
17:38So, let's go for it.
17:40Yeah.
17:41And he was saying to me, what is this mysterious place, Syrah, or whatever.
17:48And I was like, yes, it is good.
17:50But then he started asking me all these questions about cars and power stations and mobile phones.
17:55And it was awful, because I didn't have the faintest idea how any of them worked.
17:58Which meant that his journey through time had been wasted.
18:01Which meant he was a bloody nerd, Ray.
18:02You know, the only guy to travel through time from the 17th century or the Victorian era or whatever.
18:08And the guy turns out to be a massive spod.
18:11And what, then you woke up?
18:13What?
18:14Did you wake up at that realisation?
18:16It wasn't a dream, Ray. This all happened.
18:18I wondered why you were seeming so underwhelmed.
18:21I thought it might be sang-froid.
18:24I'll give you a tick.
18:29You're not doing too well on disingenuous, Colin.
18:32No, no, I'm not.
18:35Oh, Ray, Ray, Ray, no!
18:37That doesn't count as using it, Ray.
18:39Why not?
18:40Because you're just quoting the chart.
18:41What, so what? You made me put a quid in a fuck jar just for calling it the fuck jar rather than for actually saying fuck.
18:47That was a quote.
18:48And that should be three quid, thank you very much.
18:50Oh, no, Colin. We've bought the soda stream now. That's over.
18:54I must say, Ray, I think your efforts to avoid passing comment on the quite remarkable fact that I've been chatting to a time traveller are now bordering on the ludicrous.
19:02I suppose it's that I don't believe you.
19:04Right.
19:05It's like those guys with the end is nigh sandwich boards on. They must be constantly amazed by how calm everyone's reaction to the news seems to be.
19:14It must give them a new respect for the world that they think's about to end. These, they must be thinking, as everyone just ignores them, are good people to have around you in a crisis.
19:22Until they see people's reactions to one solitary princess dying in a car crash. And then they suddenly realise that actually no one's been believing them.
19:33Yes, indeed.
19:34The mass suicides of the end is nighsters in the wake of Diana's death is about the only unsung element left of that tragedy.
19:42Cappuccino?
19:44Mine.
19:46You sent him out for coffees?
19:49So the latte must be yours.
19:52You sent a time traveller out for coffees.
19:56At last, finally, I get a rise out of you.
19:59The steam pressure of the contraption which created this was quite enthralling, so I apologise for the delay.
20:03Told you he was a nerd.
20:06I mean, where did they get the idea that you're the clever one? You're nowhere near as clever as you think.
20:12Well, neither are you.
20:14Ah, ah, yes, but at least I know I'm not.
20:16What? You know you're not as clever as you think?
20:19Yes, unlike you.
20:20So how clever do you think you are?
20:22Very clever.
20:23And how clever do you know you are really?
20:25Well, less clever than that. You've laid some kind of trap.
20:28So, to recap, what's good about you as opposed to me is that you know you're several degrees less clever than you think you are, and that's somehow morally healthy.
20:37Whereas my opinion of my own intelligence, as flawed in evaluation as anyone's is likely to be, is deemed unreliable because of its, albeit, subjective consistency.
20:45You do see why you never get laid, don't you?
20:48What news, number one?
20:50Captain, the Lord has delivered us to a truly wondrous land.
20:52Lush, subtropical plains stretching as far as the eye can see. It's 90 degrees in the shade, even though it's Movember. There are herds of seven-foot-tall, two-legged creatures bouncing across the landscape at tremendous speeds.
21:09Yes. Do you know where it reminds me of?
21:12Whales.
21:14Whales? Really, sir?
21:15Oh, yes. Don't you think?
21:17What, the vast terra incognita with fauna and flora hitherto undreamt up by a sight puts you in mind of nothing so much as rill?
21:25No, of course not. Not North Wales. That's ridiculous. It's nothing like North Wales. No, South Wales, of course. The resemblance is uncanny.
21:35Right. Does this mean you're going to name it what I think you're going to name it?
21:41Well, I don't know. Remind me, who's the captain?
21:45You are.
21:47And who's got the captain's hat, the captain's table, the captain's cabin and the captain's log?
21:52You have all of them, sir.
21:54Well, I tell you what, number one, you're an ambitious man. Why don't you decide what we call it?
22:00I think we should call it New South Wales. Good name.
22:09Hi, guys. How are you?
22:14Oh, not bad, Anita. Good to see you.
22:17Terry, this is Gary and Michelle. I was telling you about them.
22:19Hello. Nice to meet you.
22:21Gary works from home as well, don't you, Gary?
22:23Oh, you've given up the nine to five as well, then, Terry?
22:26Well, I've only been doing it a few months, but...
22:28It takes a bit of getting used to.
22:30I'll leave you boys to it. Michelle, come on. Some people I want you to meet.
22:35So, have you, er, you know...
22:38What?
22:40You know...
22:42Got past the wanking stage yet.
22:46I beg your pardon?
22:48Don't pretend. You've got that look in your eye.
22:51You can't, are you?
22:52Does it get any easier?
22:56You've just got to learn to control it.
22:58I mean, I'd wake up with the best of intentions, you know.
23:00I mean, streamline my business plan, market research, but...
23:04Within half an hour of the wife leaving the house, you're on the old internet.
23:08I mean, the first month, I did it so often I couldn't sit down.
23:12We've all been there.
23:15It's getting harder to explain to Anita why I'm not making any progress with the business.
23:19You know, I mean, I can't tell her that instead of phoning potential clients,
23:23I'm just frantically wanking off over the most mildly arousing image on daytime TV.
23:28See, you've just got to learn to timetable it properly.
23:32Really?
23:33It's like a reward system.
23:35You make a good phone call, have a wank to celebrate.
23:39Works for me.
23:41Sounds like a good idea.
23:43I mean, I nearly wanked the whole business away a couple of years ago.
23:46Had to claw it back from the brink.
23:48Hey, what are you boys glooning over?
23:50No, Gary was just giving me some really good advice about working from home,
23:54you know, keeping track of your finances, allotting your time effectively.
23:57had to rein in the wanking.
23:59I mean, on your own at home all day, I know what I'd be doing.
24:09Hi.
24:10Of course they're real flamingos!
24:12Sorry, I mean, do you want a season ticket or a family ticket?
24:17Season tickets are £500 and they're very popular.
24:21Um, just a family ticket please.
24:23Very well, that'd be £35.
24:27Follow the signs.
24:28Tickets please.
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30Tickets please.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38LAUGHTER
24:40MUSIC
24:41MUSIC
24:45MUSIC
24:47MUSIC
24:52Tickets please.
24:53Tickets, please.
25:11No binoculars!
25:13I can hardly see anything. Can't we get a bit closer?
25:16I advise you not to cross that line for your own safety.
25:19The flamingos are very unpredictable.
25:23Oh, this is ridiculous.
25:25No! Don't go! Stop him, for God's sake!
25:49Afternoon. Lovely day.
25:53Yeah.
25:55Are you fancy a cocktail?
25:56Well, I...
25:58It's a daiquiri.
26:03Oh, that's really nice.
26:04Oh, look, your clothes are all wet. What are you, a 38?
26:07Yeah, but...
26:09Oh, come on, at least try it on, hmm?
26:11Yes, that's nice.
26:13Do you like the music of Bruce Springsteen?
26:16Er, actually, yes, I do.
26:17Yes, I love a bit of the boss.
26:19I saw him in Philadelphia once.
26:21Really?
26:22That must have been amazing.
26:26Mummy, is Daddy coming back?
26:29A season ticket is £500.
26:45Look, I'm sorry I said the thing about you not having sex very often.
26:50I'm sure you get up to all sorts and just don't tell me about it.
26:57Well, yes, as a matter of fact, that's all been going quite well, actually.
27:01Really?
27:02Sorry.
27:03Really?
27:04Er, yes, er, let's just say there's been quite a lot of...
27:09..pussy action.
27:10David?
27:11See you at Marcos tonight, David.
27:13Wahey!
27:14Wahey!
27:15See you there, James.
27:16What?
27:18Are you going to some kind of sex place with him?
27:21It's not a sex place, Rob, it's just a unisex nudist sauna.
27:25It's all perfectly friendly.
27:26Oh, yes, sounds friendly.
27:27What is your problem?
27:29Why are you going with him?
27:30I'm not going to go on my own.
27:31I might get horribly raped.
27:32And he's a big guy and you're married.
27:35Well, I could have gone out with you looking for women before I was married.
27:39You were in a long-term relationship.
27:41Before her.
27:42You were in a long-term relationship.
27:43Before her.
27:45You were in a long-term relationship.
27:46Before him.
27:48You were in a long-term relationship.
27:49They weren't a long-term relationship.
27:51Still haven't talked to me much.
27:52All right, they don't count.
27:53Before them.
27:54Before them?
27:55We hadn't met.
27:58All right, fine.
27:58Well, you go and have fun with loads of women.
28:03Well, I sort of might.
28:07While I have fun with one excellent and very, very sexy woman for the rest of my life.
28:15Good for you.
28:21You do know about condoms, don't you?
28:22Oh, for God's sake!
28:23He won't explain it.
28:25Greenland?
28:36Whatever.
28:38Whatever.
28:46Oh, for God.
28:56Oh, God.
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