- 4 months ago
- #mitchellandwebb
- #davidmitchell
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping is a surreal sketch comedy from David Mitchell and Robert Webb on Channel 4. Across six clever episodes, satire tackles absurdities of modern life.
#mitchellandwebb #davidmitchell
#mitchellandwebb #davidmitchell
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00:00KNOCK KNOCK
00:18You got a minute, Ken?
00:19Of course, Headmaster, but I have got a lesson in half an hour
00:23where I expect we'll be doing fractions again.
00:26Yeah, you see, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.
00:29I tried telling them last year, you know, find the lowest common denominator.
00:33But just when you think you're getting somewhere, they go off for the summer,
00:36come back and it's like you're talking Hungarian.
00:39Yeah, I think I can see the problem here.
00:41Highest common factor. What's that, sir?
00:44Stop screaming that we've been over and over and over this, sir.
00:47We're getting frightened.
00:49I mean, where do they go on holiday? To a memory-wiping clinic?
00:52No, it's...
00:53Are there such things? Because I'd give that a go.
00:56Nice place in Switzerland, view of the lake.
00:59And then you see it as if for the first time every day.
01:02Oh dear, I'm still getting a tiny tingle of trauma.
01:06Stick me back in the machine!
01:08Ah...
01:09Ken.
01:10We went to Spain.
01:11It was shit.
01:13They're different children.
01:15Yeah.
01:16It's like they're different children.
01:17No.
01:18They are different children.
01:20Every school year, every July, you finish teaching one group of children.
01:25And then the following September, a different group of children arrive,
01:29who crucially, and I need you to concentrate on this,
01:32don't know what you just spent the last year teaching to some completely different people.
01:38What are you talking about?
01:40I can't think of another way of saying it.
01:42They're different children.
01:43What?
01:44The ones who sit here?
01:45The small, noisy, stupid people who don't know anything?
01:48Yeah, they're eight years old, Ken.
01:50They must be older than that.
01:51They've been here years.
01:52No, they haven't.
01:53Yes, they have.
01:54They're always there.
01:55Smelly, mal-coordinated, easily distracted, freak out about wasps.
02:01They're different ones.
02:03But...
02:04But this means...
02:06What?
02:07That's not fair.
02:09That's like every year I paint a mountain, turn my back for six weeks,
02:15and you've unpainted...
02:17You've covered it in shit, but mountains wrong.
02:19I've built a cathedral, and you...
02:21I know what you're getting at.
02:22I was given to understand at teacher training college that I would teach children maths.
02:27I would teach them, and then they would be taught.
02:30But now you're telling me that however many children I teach maths to,
02:35you'll find some more who don't know maths and make me teach them,
02:39knowing that as soon as they get it, they too will be gone,
02:42and I'll be back to square one with some other bunch of little shits.
02:45I would never have agreed to that.
02:48It's very much the job, Ken.
02:50Your job is for me to carry on teaching children fractions until I've taught all the children in the world,
02:56or I die, whichever happens first.
02:59How could you begin to pay me enough for such a feat of Sisyphean futility?
03:05This is very much why I became a headteacher. I just do the admin now.
03:09Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama.
03:18Is this motherfucker my fucking mother or what?
03:21She's your fucking mother all fucking right.
03:24But my fucking mother's fucked!
03:26She's fucked! She's dead as a fucking doornail!
03:29Well surprise the fucking prize!
03:31Fuck me!
03:32Fuck's sake.
03:33That's a turn up for the fucking books!
03:35Fuck the fucking books!
03:38That's fucking right. If your motherfucking fucking mother's unfucked then shit.
03:47Too fucking right. This is my fucking farm now.
03:50Well then my dead fucking body!
03:52That can be a fucking ranged!
03:55If you shitters don't give me the fucking books, I'm gonna blow every fucking one of your bastard cock-wrecked brains out!
04:04What the fuck? Give your fucking mother the motherfucking books!
04:08I've kept this fucking farm together through rain and fucking shine and I'm fucked if I ended up with this long shit for brains twat who shat me out!
04:18You little shit clean!
04:20You dog-nobby arsehole!
04:22Fuck!
04:23Christ!
04:24Sugar!
04:26You fucking killed the cunt! You dozy fuck!
04:30Which cunt? Which cunt did I kill?
04:39What if NASA sent a pianist to Uranus?
04:43Yes. This is all excellent.
04:47Okay Bozo, shut the fuck up!
04:49Sorry. Sorry for swearing. Just no.
04:51As you can see, I've been appointed the new fire officer.
04:54So from now on, we take the fire alarms seriously.
04:57When it sounds, we all have to evacuate in an orderly fashion.
05:01Because one day, there's gonna be a real fire, fingers crossed. And then you'll all know what to do. And you'll say thank you Lara. Thank you because I am not burning.
05:10Okay, I think I know what this is about. This is because we ignored that fire alarm last week.
05:14Yeah, too right it is. Yeah. And that's not gonna happen again. Not on my watch. So when the fire alarm goes off, and I'm not saying that I know when, but when it goes off, we all have to leave the room. Okay? This is not necessarily a drill.
05:27It'll obviously be a drill.
05:28It'll obviously be a drill.
05:29Did you consider that maybe it's a real fire that wants you to think it's a drill?
05:31It's never a real fire. Okay, so I just don't see why the pianist has to go to Uranus. Like, it still has to make sense. Like, maybe he's lost his fanny pack?
05:40Sorry. Sometimes it's a real fire.
05:42What?
05:43I actually have been through a fire.
05:44Oh god, Crystal, really? Was it bad?
05:46Yeah, it was really bad. You know, I barely escaped, and I got burned, and it was...
05:51That's right, Crystal. That's right. Sometimes it's a real fire.
05:55Okay. All right. The drill will start momentarily. Okay? Or is it a drill?
06:01That's the thing with fires. You never really know, right, Crystal? Tell them.
06:05Ah! There's a fire in the building! Everybody get out now! This is not a drill. I promise, this is not a drill.
06:14It could be in the kitchen. It could be in the toilet. It could be a flame bomb dropping from the sky. This could be Armageddon!
06:20It could be Armageddon! So please leave the building in an orderly fashion. Thank you.
06:29Crystal? Crystal?
06:32No. I changed my mind.
06:34You know what could be really funny? If the pianist had a name that sounded like another rude word.
06:40So, like, Cockmeister.
06:42Good morning. Today marks a new dawn in our country's shared history. A budget that offers hope for the future.
06:55I will today be announcing a raft of new measures, including £4 billion for improved bus services, £20 billion for the NHS and £200 billion to be put into a special compensation fund for when it becomes apparent that what happened happened.
07:14OK, furthermore...
07:15Sorry, what does what happened mean? What did happen?
07:17Look, the British public want us to look forward, not back or even back.
07:20In this case sideways at what's happening.
07:21Did you say happening?
07:22So it's happening.
07:23So it's happening.
07:25It's happening right now.
07:26That's just happening.
07:27Yeah, you have to look forward and you said, you've got to look forward.
07:28All right.
07:29Do you know what I'm saying?
07:30Yeah, it's happening.
07:31If you've got lots of roads coming off it.
07:32You'll just have to feel out the vibe.
07:33Sorry, can I ask you to go back, Gensler?
07:34To the roundabout?
07:35No, no, no.
07:36The bit before that.
07:37The £200 billion in a special compensation fund for when it becomes apparent that what happened happened.
07:41want us to look forward, not back, or even, in this case, sideways,
07:45at what's, um, happening.
07:47So, did you say happening? So it's happening now?
07:50A bit. Probably.
07:53Look, I think we're getting bogged down.
07:55It would be wrong for me to comment on issues outside my remit,
07:59like, well, we don't know what.
08:01We should probably be fine.
08:03But are there ongoing concerns?
08:05Anything, you know, in the pipeline?
08:07Who told you about the pipeline?
08:08What?
08:10It's probably fine.
08:11They've got most of it out, and it's in space now, anyway.
08:13We're probably fine, as long as no-one's still using toasters.
08:17Sorry, toasters?
08:17Yeah, the way they cook the bread, it's not natural.
08:20You should really use a grill or a steamer, if you don't mind.
08:24Wet toast.
08:25But other than that, we should be fine.
08:28People don't use phone boxes anymore.
08:30Even Superman.
08:31Sorry, was there something wrong with phone boxes?
08:33I'll say.
08:35Oh, was that news to you?
08:37We've got used to it here.
08:39No, phone boxes.
08:41It seems that they were making the handsets out of something...
08:45Well, it was cheaper than normal plastic, and it turns out there was a reason.
08:49A reason?
08:50Yeah, it seems there was...
08:52Something was getting in.
08:54But what?
08:54Well, you know that bit in Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan,
08:57where they put that nasty creature in Chekhov's ear?
08:59Well, it's not as bad as that.
09:02But it's not nice.
09:06Because it's just so hard, isn't it?
09:08Writing's hard.
09:09Well, that's why it's so great we have these writer's coffee mornings.
09:12To support each other.
09:13You see, people do make expositional remarks in real life.
09:16Yeah, we don't need to be so hard on ourselves.
09:19Oh, sorry, Ian Forster.
09:20You were saying you were having a bit of trouble with the novel you're working on.
09:23Oh, yes, I'm having an absolute mare, Susie.
09:26It's, well, you know I'm calling my novel Howard's End.
09:29And just to be clear, Ian Forster, that's not Howard's Bellend.
09:33It's just the name of the house.
09:34It's not about anyone's cock.
09:35Not this one, no.
09:36Right.
09:37So I have this character called Leonard Bast.
09:39Bast?
09:40Are you sure that's a real name, Ian Forster?
09:42You think that's believable?
09:44You don't think it should be, like, Leonard Brown or Leonard Potter, like in Harry Potter?
09:48Oh, who's Leonard Potter in Harry Potter?
09:50I just mean Potter.
09:51Well, in that case, it's been done.
09:53Well, everything's been done, and that's why hashtag writing is so hard.
09:57Oh, hashtag truth.
09:58But anyway, sorry, go on, Ian Forster, you were saying.
10:01Well, yes, this chap, Leonard Bast.
10:03Still not sure.
10:04He's just a lowly insurance clerk, but he's trying to improve his mind through extensive reading.
10:08And mindfulness, I assume.
10:10Yes, possibly.
10:12And what I want to happen, a good bit that I'm going to have, is that he gets crushed to death by a heavy bookcase.
10:18Oh, nice twist.
10:20Spoilers.
10:21What?
10:21That sounds great.
10:22Does it?
10:24Good.
10:24Yes.
10:25Because I was worried.
10:26Why?
10:27Well, in case it seems like I am saying, or the book is saying, ha ha, that's what you get for trying to read books when you're a lower class oik.
10:35Up yours, Leonard.
10:36In your face.
10:37No one should try to better themselves.
10:38Oh, goodness.
10:39Oh, goodness.
10:41Yes.
10:41I'm just worried that future readers will be unduly distracted by the question of whether this irony was intentional.
10:47I don't think I would be.
10:48I think go for it.
10:49A thousand words a day.
10:50Just get it down.
10:51Or don't.
10:52Just fuck it.
10:54Just write one word.
10:55Just write the and then bin the week.
10:57That's what I do most weeks.
10:59Then, again, I can see why people might say you've gone a bit right wing, a bit full fash.
11:04So maybe he just dies of, um, just of something normal that people die of?
11:09Or he just lives happily ever after, like what happens in real life.
11:13Yes.
11:14Yes, I could do.
11:16It just feels, it does feel like quite a good bit.
11:20Does it?
11:21To me, it does.
11:22It's not good from Leonard's point of view.
11:24Yes, but you see, Leonard isn't real.
11:26Yes, you've made that very clear with his name.
11:30Hmm.
11:30I sometimes feel I'm not quite cut out for writer support groups.
11:35We all feel like that sometimes, Ian, Forster.
11:38Have another cookie.
11:39Cookie.
11:39He calls them biscuits.
11:41Oh, yes, I will.
11:49It just does feel like a good bit.
11:51You see, my worry is that it will look like Leonard Bast is being in some way punished.
12:03The code is 71, by the way.
12:05All right, thanks.
12:06Please don't go.
12:07That Leonard is trying to improve his situation, but all he gets for his trouble is to be crushed
12:12by the very items that were the means of his self-improvement.
12:16You worry that will look cruelly ironic?
12:18That is precisely my worry.
12:19I don't think people will mind.
12:21Really?
12:21Yeah.
12:22Because I do think it would be a good bit.
12:24You know, I think people might go, fuck.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Well, look forward to seeing it.
12:38There was a garlic naan!
12:40But what will the compensation for phone boxes be?
12:46Not that much, we don't think.
12:48Certainly nothing on the same scale as game shows aimed at children.
12:52What?
12:53What about kids' game shows?
12:54Oh, no, no, it's not what you think.
12:56No, it's just, you know, the gunge.
13:00Gunge?
13:00What's wrong with gunge?
13:01OK, um, look, let's just see how it all plays out, all right?
13:06The gunge is the tip of the iceberg.
13:08How it got on the iceberg is anybody's guess.
13:11And obviously the radioactivity is no picnic, so...
13:13Anyway, where were we?
13:15Uh, roundabout's gone.
13:17Ah, yes, I can furthermore exclusively announce today
13:20that we are deregulating the pharmaceutical industry,
13:23which will drive growth in the private sector
13:25and hopefully free up funding for research
13:28into a cure for pebbledash lung.
13:42Daddy?
13:47Mm-hmm.
13:53Mm-hmm.
14:14Yeah.
14:14I don't know.
14:44It's so nice to meet you I got you a pint I was surprised you answered
15:13that don't normally answer right well I'm really glad you reached out me too
15:26can I see your feet sure
15:43biscuits then you get this you know dad's going around switching all the lights off
16:04but the reality is if somebody didn't do that and the bowls would be going every five minutes
16:08and then what exactly oh Lily says dad bulbs don't go anymore seriously yeah that's what
16:14she said they don't go anymore they don't go anymore yeah she said they're all leds now
16:19they don't go anymore I looked at her and I said listen love they go everything goes
16:25they do last a lot longer now though yeah yeah they do
16:41so cockmeister is on a journey to find his lost cock a cock journey I like
16:46it okay I admit that you guys have no reason to trust me but I'm being serious
16:58there's a real fire this time we gotta go you won't win Lara you're not gonna make us believe
17:03in the fire I was just trying to start a little tiny fire in the room cupboard just to try to prove
17:08my point just a little bit but got a hand really quickly and now it's just fired I'm being serious
17:13together tell you what what if the cockmeister gets sucked into the black hole that's good
17:17is someone getting this down yeah could the black hole be sucking him off
17:21hmm sucked all the way off you can event my horizon something like that like that yeah
17:26so the cock is sucked yeah but by physics yes off all the way off not does not to the point of
17:33ejaculation okay yeah so astronaut cockmeister is going to uranus to find his handy pack this is gold
17:41yes why is he cockmeister is he german meister is that why is that this is so fucked up
17:53hi how's he doing he's a lot back here which is to be expected
17:58they often get a spurt of energy when they're this close to the end
18:00i'll give you guys some time thank you hey hey dad it's me it's a piece project darling they can't
18:12hear you at the back that's what's locky michael timslock i i call him locky told me on press night
18:20of diplodocus ketchup 1968 at the almeida now here i lie a rare 55 years later no regrets not one
18:33no this is it my beautiful children surrounding me though i know it will be soon i have no knowledge
18:41of my last breath but that which i can control are my last words words to be remembered by words
18:52to be immortalized on my headstone should anyone choose to visit my resting place let them be these
19:00i am so so proud of you all i am so much prouder of me be great and seen
19:16sorry are you you're not going to speak anymore he wants his last words to be and seen for the
19:31headstone right okay just i had some things i wanted to ask seriously mate forget it he isn't
19:39going to speak anymore that's absurd it could be days yet it'll probably be ours oh could you leave
19:45i thought you'd left yeah no i slipped back in for the monologue love stuff like that
19:50shakespeare which play my boy uh as you like it it's my favorite i actually tried to get tickets
19:55to see you in midsummer night's dream but it was all sold out yes that was quite something
20:00everyone within the m25 wanted to see my puck so his last words aren't now and seen then ah
20:08shit uh wait dad hang on ah ah yes um puck the mischief maker else the puck a liar call so good night
20:21and to you all be great and seen beautiful amazing last words yeah sorry are we all just gonna sit here
20:32in silence he can hold a conversation we don't have to stop speaking you're being horrible yeah i
20:39thought that would you do like what yeah i never sit me old mugger so those are your last words then
20:46bloody hell please stop bullying dad does no one else think this is ridiculous
20:52the intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous the sensible man hardly anything be great
21:01and seen wait dad does that mean she's better than us no no no just different different how dad well
21:08she never put knickers around her ears and ran around shouting i'm a silly bum head
21:13was it not you absolutely did both of you it was so annoying that's not true i've no memory of that
21:19well how could you remember you were sick yes but i would still never what are you talking about
21:23you've got literally loads of photos of both of you doing your stupid bomb head you always make
21:28shit why are you doing something ridiculous you were late now you're lying guys guys i'm so sorry
21:34you're lying guys you're lying guys i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
21:39wait
21:57and it just crashes him you see squash all those heavy books down on top of leonard baste good i didn't
22:04like the sound of leonard baste oh really i was hoping swat die swat oh i was swatted you could call
22:13it swatted so you think it's a good bit i do yes any other bits you like none the rest of it sounds
22:20shit i see right well better keep that bit then
22:33is it very hot in here or is it because i'm secretly gay
22:37i think it's a bit of both em forster
22:50so
23:00you
23:02you
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