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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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00:00the moonlight shone down on the place unhindered the gnarled parapets
00:13jagged upwards like a bony hand of icy indifference in the background there was
00:19a pigeon who knew how long the place had stood there 40 years 50 years tempus
00:28immemoria i.e. always but it was a bad place that much was certain a very bad place indeed
00:36greetings traveler who am i perhaps you have met me twixt sleep and wake in the penumbra of
00:48uncertainty you call unconsciousness or perhaps you've met me at a book signing i'm garth merengue
00:55horror author my business is chill impure and simple you know my books are all essentially
01:03about what ifs in black fang i asked what if a rat could drive a bus and what if it and its rat
01:11brethren took over and ate parliament when i wrote directed and starred in tonight's episode of garth
01:17merengue's dark place i was asking another what if now i won't tell you which what if it is but
01:24it's basically along the same lines with a different animal without giving too much away think planet of
01:29the apes this eve's tale of blood is an allegory and as such i've included interviews with myself
01:38my publisher dean learner and the actor todd rivers so that we can tell you what it means
01:43here it be a future shock that'll shit you up i'd like to dedicate tonight's episode to my wife pan
01:51who deals with the bulk of my admin
01:53i'm garth merengue author dreamweaver visionary plus actor
02:11you are about to enter the world of my imagination you are entering my dark place
02:20you're about to enter the world of my imagination and builds a life精神
02:31all different opinions你看 things around the world of my simplebags
02:32you're about to enter the world so that's where you are opening us
02:37let's enter the world of my imagination
02:40but anti- 그게 다iod in love and was to enter the world
02:43to pursue the world of my life and of course
02:47you're about to enter the world of my 재�iclaings
02:49He's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone.
03:12Sancha, you copping Zs?
03:13I need you on the ward. There are kids dying out here.
03:16Hey, Bart, just give me two ticks.
03:21My mouth feels like somebody parks a car in it.
03:36That's peculiar.
03:38Sanj!
03:40Sanj?
03:41What?
03:46I think it's only with hindsight that I realise how radical Dark Place was and is.
03:57We knew at the time it was raw, but we didn't realise it could get rarer with time.
04:03It's balls-to-the-wall, flat-out horror.
04:06They would not make this show today. They would not make it.
04:09You know, it was way the hell out there.
04:11You know, we were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.
04:19My name is Dr Rick Douglas, MD.
04:22A new terror in Dark Place.
04:25Sanchez, my friend, my buddy, is now an ape.
04:29Although still a competent surgeon, he does now smell like an ape.
04:33But was he the only one?
04:34Well, the word on the ward was no. He weren't.
04:39This place was dark. Damn dark. Hence, Dark Place.
04:45We parked the wheels and hauled ass to Reid's office.
04:48But on the way, I made a special detour.
04:52Hey there, little guy.
04:55Good news. You're gonna be all right.
04:57Thanks to you.
04:58Now, here are those prescription drugs you couldn't afford.
05:01I bought them out of my own pocket.
05:02Don't thank me.
05:06I've got to go and save another life.
05:08Take care, little guy.
05:10Dr Douglas?
05:12Yes, buddy?
05:13I owe you everything.
05:15If you need any help, you could always rely on me.
05:19That means a lot.
05:19I punched one of the child actors who was working on set
05:33because they were rude about Garth's writing.
05:36It was more of a back of the hand than a punch.
05:40But they came up in a big red bruise.
05:43Someone took a photo of it.
05:44Blah, blah, blah.
05:46Cry, cry, cry.
05:47I don't see it as a problem.
05:52Jim.
05:54Could you run these ECG results past the boys in radiology?
05:57Right away.
06:04Dank, in here.
06:05Don't even have time to drink this water. I'm that busy.
06:10Could you wear the leather monkey, Liz?
06:12It's certainly an improvement on the old look.
06:14Hey!
06:20Morning, Dad. Morning, Thornton Reed.
06:22Good morning.
06:23Well, as of you two, like a glass of water?
06:26No, thanks. I'll have a coffee.
06:28Thanks, Sanj. I'd love a glass.
06:30Oh, drat. It's run out. Here, have mine.
06:32No, no, Sanj. You have it.
06:33I'll grab a coffee instead of the water.
06:35One coffee coming right up.
06:38Here you go.
06:40Cheers.
06:40As I'm sure you people are aware, we've got a situation.
06:53People are regressing to a primal stage, and it's spreading.
06:56Fast.
06:57Douglas, we need a slice of your loaf.
06:59What's going on?
07:00I figure the following.
07:02Sanj is regressing to Homo neanderthelinus.
07:04Right now, Sanj, you're Homo erectus, but who knows how long you've got.
07:07I appreciate you being straight with me.
07:09And you and I are Homo sapiens.
07:11Correct.
07:11But if we're all basically Homo's, shouldn't we get along?
07:14You'd have thought.
07:15But Homo erectus is fine for his meanness.
07:18How are you feeling in here, Sanj?
07:19I'm bearing up. You know me, Dag?
07:21Yeah.
07:23Yeah, I'd do it, big guy.
07:24Come on, you two queers.
07:26We need to lick this problem before it turns round and slaps us in the nuts.
07:29We need data.
07:30Liz, fill us boys in, if you'll pardon the expression.
07:34Liz?
07:35Liz?
07:36Liz!
07:37It's got Liz, too.
07:38Whatever it is.
07:40Dr Sanchez, if you don't come to surgery now, we'll have to start without you.
07:44Wish me luck.
07:45Good luck.
07:47I need you to crack this, Dad, because if not, one tunnel will be all over me like knockers
07:50in a wind tunnel.
07:51I'll go on over with the Padre.
07:53He knows a lot about monkeys.
07:54Right.
07:55I'll stay here.
07:57Come on, Liz.
07:58I led Liz, by now a sick parody of womanhood, down the corridor.
08:05Perhaps the Padre could elucidate the cause of all this.
08:08Though at this stage in the narrative, it would be odd if he did.
08:11No!
08:13This make-up was done years ago for the monkeys.
08:17I was worried when I saw the VHS again that it would look ridiculous and old-fashioned,
08:24you know, and quite naff.
08:26It's not true.
08:27It looks great, still.
08:28Would you like a drink of something?
08:38Tea?
08:39Coffee?
08:40Juice?
08:40I'd love a glass of water.
08:41No!
08:42That's mine.
08:44All right, don't sweat it.
08:45I'll suck them in.
08:46I'll come straight to the point.
08:48Where does the church stand on the matter of evolution?
08:51Monkeys were created by God to entertain us.
08:53That's all we know, Rick.
08:54But surely...
08:55That's all we know, Rick!
08:57Yeah.
08:58Sure, Padre.
09:00I think I understand.
09:02Come on, Liz.
09:04Mind how you go, Rick.
09:09Mind how you go.
09:16It worsens.
09:17The Padre, my friend and colleague, is now an ape.
09:21Who was next?
09:22Would it get me?
09:24I really hoped it wouldn't.
09:25And what was it, anyway?
09:28So many questions.
09:30Why Liz?
09:31Why the Padre?
09:32Why Sanchez?
09:33Why not Reed?
09:35Why not me?
09:36This hospital was turning into a jungle.
09:39And everyone was acting like monkeys.
09:41Terry, run a J over the seat.
09:51I think Lucy's left a souvenir.
09:56Emergency and surgery.
09:58Emergency and surgery.
10:03Not my fault, monkey bastard hands.
10:06It wasn't difficult for me to get into character.
10:08I mean, I know the beast in me.
10:10I've been drunk with him for 15 years.
10:13So, er, it was home from home, you might say.
10:16Both Todd and I were wild at the time.
10:19I mean, we were behaving like flipping Romans.
10:22We were like animals.
10:23And, er, I looked in the mirror one day, excuse me, and I said, you're not a man, Dean.
10:29You're an ape.
10:30I've stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love.
10:34Let's just say that.
10:35I'm afraid, Rick.
10:37I'm afraid of what I'm becoming.
10:41Yeah, that's me.
10:44Now, this is unmanageable.
10:46I used to have the best head in the hospital.
10:49And I'm starting to get some pretty primal urges.
10:52I didn't want to say, but when I went into surgery this morning, you were waving your bits out the window.
10:58I don't even know I'm doing it.
10:59I thought I was helping attach a drip.
11:01I went to the Padre to confess.
11:03I ended up washing my arse in the font.
11:06Liz is throwing her own poo as a way of getting attention.
11:10If I get too far gone, Rick, you know what to do.
11:15Yeah.
11:16Well, you hang on in there, bud.
11:18You hang on in there for Rick.
11:33My bonds having been knocked, I fell into a strange fantastical dream, rich in imaginative imagery.
11:42I found myself alone in a primitive land where phantasm, spelt with a PH, not an F, abounded.
11:48I turned one way, then the other, then back, then forward, then I saw myself as a monkey.
12:02Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
12:06Oh, ho, ho.
12:07THE END
12:37They've taken over
12:45Oh no, oh Jesus, they've taken over, they've taken over
12:54I know, why's Liz here?
12:57The clan rejected her, she'd been mauled when I found her, the brutes
13:01What are we gonna do, Reid?
13:02Blow me if I know, God my throat is parched, I'd best have a sip of water
13:06Look Dag, maybe we shouldn't do anything
13:28What do you mean?
13:29I mean this hospital's running pretty well, despite all this
13:32What do you mean?
13:34No one takes days off anymore, everyone's grooming each other
13:37And the doctors are literally working for peanuts
13:39Within a year our financial problems will be history, old news
13:43We'll be able to build that children's wing
13:45Think about it, Rick
13:46The Dark Place Dagless Kiddy Wing
13:49It's what we've always dreamed about
13:51Not this way, Reid
13:52It's barbaric
13:53I want that kiddy wing just as much as you do
13:56But right now most of those kids are chimps
13:58And that's my priority
13:59You're a fool, you're a fool to walk away from this
14:01You're a fool, you're a fool, you're a fool
14:04You're a fool, you're a fool
14:06You're a flippin' fool
14:07You're a fool
14:07What happens if you two like a glass of water?
14:09I don't even have time to drink this water on back
14:11I'll grab a coffee
14:12Instead of the water
14:12Would you like a drink of something?
14:13I don't even have time to drink this water on back
14:15It's the water, the water, the water, the water, the water, the water, the water
14:20I still haven't had a glass of water
14:22Wait a minute, it is the water
14:25Don't drink that
14:26Look, it's bright green
14:27Thank God I only took a tiny sip
14:29Someone or something has been tampering with our water supply
14:33I'm going to the water store
14:35I have a hunch that whoever or whatever he or she or it is will be in there
14:40Right, I'll stay here and try and recuperate as fast as I can
14:43Two, three, four, five?
14:48Oh yeah, shot, Duncan
14:49Hang tight
14:50The reason Reed survives is that I only take a tiny sip
14:56There's that line
14:57Thank God I only took a tiny sip
14:59And if you take a tiny sip of this, you're all right
15:04I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards
15:08What I was asking in that scene is
15:11What if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts
15:14Could they literally turn into monkeys?
15:17And no one's asked that before
15:18They're all Ugly
15:20They're all APP卜
15:21They're all just like質less
15:22They're all just like qualities should be in
15:24They're all you know
15:25They're all who they can
15:27They're all who they're like
15:28They're all they're all you know
15:29They're all alcohol
15:30They're all equal olsa
15:40They're all I know
16:11Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Coleridge, Samuel T.
16:21It was here that I found the fiendish fount of this fear. An apoloid, micturating, which means urinating, on my erstwhile, which means former buddy.
16:46I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.
17:05Coleridge!
17:06Let's go!
17:28Get down!
17:29Oh, yeah, then.
17:31Hey, hey, look at my door.
17:33Boy, on the back.
17:35Hey, hey, hey.
17:56Hey, no, no, no, yeah.
17:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
18:29Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
18:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
19:29I'm sweating now.
19:59If you use antiperspirant, it clogs up your pores.
20:06If you clog up your pores, you're going to sweat elsewhere.
20:09On your tongue, under your ears, on the forehead.
20:13And if you block all those areas with antiperspirant, you're going to get a breath problem.
20:18And that's just, that's fact.
20:19That's scientific fact.
20:21And if you block up everything, well then you're going to sweat inside and get cancer.
20:25That which died in my arms out there should never have walked on God's earth.
20:35Agreed.
20:36So what was it, Dag?
20:37A blasphemy.
20:38A demented monkey man, half-formed and hell-bent on dragging us back into the Stone Age.
20:43Could you give us a detailed explanation as to why all this happened?
20:46He was once a scientist who specialised in human evolution and had worked hard on it for many years.
20:50At some stage during his research, he discovered he was able to access mankind's atavistic tendencies and harness them for his own malevolent schemes.
20:56He developed a serum extracted from the gonads of gibbons, which when passed through the balls of chimps at light speed in a special atomic container, could turn men into monkeys.
21:04He then set about contaminating our very own water supply.
21:07So I've had to develop an antidote, which is why everyone is now back to normal.
21:10Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
21:12Well, I think we all saw the beast in us this last week.
21:14True enough, but if you boys make another crack about my taking a shit in Dag's car, I'll give you the thick end of the wedge.
21:19Okay, Liz, no need to go, eh?
21:21Hey, I thought I told you!
21:22She's going bananas!
21:24It is funny! It is funny!
21:48We laughed to protect ourselves, to mask the awful horror.
21:54Although I thought what Reid said about Liz going bananas was genuinely witty.
21:58Each man must acknowledge his beast, whether through sport or violent films.
22:03But a man must not let his beast be his master, otherwise you know better than Bill Wyman.
22:18I called Madeline Wool menagerie Wool. I've always been good with words. She was like a zoo in a woman.
22:27I don't think anyone will get an animal impersonator like her again.
22:31It's so hard to watch this episode, knowing that she's now missing, presumed dead, with the presumption heavily on dead.
22:38I don't think they'll find anything. But then again, she was like a candle in the wind. Unreliable.
22:45I was typing, and I had this block, and suddenly I heard a voice come here, and it was Madeline.
22:53And she spoke to me. And she said,
22:56Garth, that sentence needs a verb.
23:00And she was right. And she said,
23:05That's inelegant. And then very quietly she went.
23:10And I lit a jaw stick. And prayed.
23:17Through the years, you've never let me down.
23:23You've turned my life around.
23:27The sweetest days I've found, I've found with you.
23:32Through the years, I have never been afraid.
23:37I've loved the life we've made.
23:41And I'm so glad I stayed.
23:45Right here with you.
23:47I reckon she's probably somewhere in the Eastern Bloc.
23:50That's my hunch.
23:51Do you think she's still alive then?
23:53No, I think she's probably just buried in the Eastern Bloc.
23:56If she got a burial.
24:03Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a Garth Marenghi production.
24:07In association with Dean Lerner.
24:12I'm so glad I was very much.
24:13I want to...
24:14Let me see.
24:15I'll check this out.
24:18I'm sure...
24:19It will come back all day.
24:20I'm sure I'm not sure.
24:22I just want to wait till I see the pain in the middle.
24:23Because it's a lie, she's my life, she's good.
24:25And she goes in.
24:26And she's great.
24:27When I see the pain in the upper left, it's all right.
24:28I'm sure she's got a dog in the upper left.
24:29And she walks away from the other side.
24:31When I see a person for me, I'm thinking of the other side.
24:33And she's asking a baby where she's not using it.
24:35Of course, she's ocult.
24:36And she was going as the optimum liege of that.
24:37And she's seeing it.
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