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00:00I've let my dog off his lead and he just ran into the road.
00:26It's the heli vets!
00:30From the sky to see your pets, here they come, the heli vets!
00:41We're the heli vets!
00:43Where's the pet in peril?
00:45And who's the concerned owner?
00:48Don't worry, young lady.
00:50We'll soon have your scant back on his paws wagging his tail around.
00:53It's dead.
00:54Tickling his tummy.
00:55It's dead.
00:56Throwing him his little ball to catch.
00:57His head's over there.
00:58We can save him.
01:00We can't.
01:01Come on.
01:03We're the heli vets.
01:05The heli vets!
01:08Yeah.
01:09Okay, well, I'll see you later.
01:11Bye.
01:14I can't face this.
01:16What?
01:17The roundheads and the cavaliers.
01:19Again.
01:20What's wrong with the roundheads and the cavaliers?
01:23I'm just sick of it.
01:24We must have done it at least 20 times.
01:27We come up the hill, you ambush, blah, blah, blah, Cromwell marches on.
01:32I mean, there must be something else we can do.
01:34So, we're the government forces of the Democratic Republic of Congo.
01:43Yeah, and we're the rebel militiamen representing Sudanese tribal interests.
01:50Yeah.
01:51Uh-huh.
01:51Ready?
01:52Are you absolutely sure that this isn't racist?
01:57Yeah.
01:59It's a historically accurate recreation of a landmark global conflict.
02:03Right.
02:05So, take your positions.
02:10Ready?
02:12Mm-hmm.
02:13Okay, so...
02:14And you will stop us if you think it's getting even the teeniest bit racist.
02:19Absolutely.
02:20Yeah.
02:21Go ahead.
02:25I am going to kill you with this bitch.
02:27Oh, I sure did.
02:28Stop.
02:33It's racist.
02:36Very, very racist.
02:37Shame.
02:39Ryan, can I catch a lift?
02:40Just my ceremonial headdress won't fit in the saxophone.
02:44All right, let's have a look at your charts, Mr. Papad.
02:59Hmm, yes, looking better than yesterday.
03:01Oh, thank you, Doctor.
03:02Now, you might feel a small prick.
03:05Wouldn't be the first.
03:07Brace yourself, I'm going to give you one in the posterior.
03:09I should be so lucky.
03:10Is this your first time?
03:11Hope you know where you're sticking that thing.
03:13Don't worry, it isn't hard to speak for yourself.
03:16Shall I get my cock out?
03:21What?
03:22Dr. Asquith, I'm going to help Nurse Sidebottom.
03:30No!
03:31Can I get you tea or coffee, darling?
03:33As a lovely pair of jugs.
03:35Oh, cheeky, just get your hands off and they're hot.
03:38Tell me something I don't know.
03:39Do you want to rub them on my cock?
03:45Asquith!
03:47Come with me.
03:53What on earth is wrong with you, Doctor Asquith?
03:56This is supposed to be a bawdy 1970s hospital.
03:59Please stick to using innuendo.
04:00I'm sorry, sir, but to be honest, I've never really understood the difference between doublon tendres and the stuff I say.
04:08Let me try to explain.
04:10If I say, would you like to grasp my rod, that's innuendo.
04:16Would you like to wank off my cock?
04:18That's not.
04:19Do you see what I mean?
04:23Not really.
04:25Maybe you'll not cut out to be a doctor in a bawdy 1970s hospital.
04:29All right.
04:30Perhaps it's for the best if I leave.
04:32I think you're right.
04:33Now, there's no need to make a scene.
04:35Just leave discreetly.
04:36I think it's best if you use the rear entrance and go up the back passage.
04:41Ooh, er, missus?
04:42Too late.
04:43Hello to our viewers in England.
04:56I hope you've had a safe week, chlaplan man method whack method, with the wonderful art of padlock folding or padlockigami.
05:07Padlockigami, man benneweth, is a hobby, Brambawi, anyone can pick up.
05:12All you need, man waddle, methl chlaplan whack bel, from our store or smith.
05:17Alloweth bani branmawi, show you first, san benneweth, the swan.
05:23Alloweth methl padlockigami, acquaintance with your parts.
05:28Maythu chlan benny, the swan, ethyl fan.
05:33Man waddi chlanwello, keeping your hands well clear b'n wenny hafi.
05:38Brambawi methl, the chuff.
05:40Alloweth mackmawi wethel, the splint.
05:45And then you're ready to get holding, man waddle brambawi benny weth.
05:55And there is a sunny beth weth, the swan.
05:58Gaffi gummy man waffle, feeding away on all sorts of bunny beffy.
06:14Club bunny beffy, san benneweth, to join the others.
06:17Mathwely funny, jam.
06:31See, there's his cousins.
06:33Alloweth my mother, peeking round the front.
06:36Ah, hafi banmawi waddle, the swan, leaving them all getting on together there.
06:43Hafi banmawi waddley, padlock igami, padlock folding.
06:48So, I hope to see you then.
06:50Goodbye.
06:51Tomorrow night on Sky Sports 4, it's the clash of the south coast as the irresistible force of Portsmouth meet the immovable object of Southampton in a clash that's going to go down in history as one of the many football matches that are happening this weekend.
07:10Meanwhile, there are old scores to be settled at the Dell.
07:14Scores like 1-0 and 2-all that have happened in previous years.
07:18Who will win this time between Sunderland and Blackburn?
07:21Then on Sunday, live, the battle for the North West and Shrewsbury meet Macclesfield in a match already being described as on this Sunday.
07:31Coming up midweek, the Giants of Charlton play host to the Titans of Ipswich, making them both seem normal-sized.
07:37Then Tottenham play Bolton for the second time this season to see who will win that.
07:43Also, Manchester United return to Aston Villa for a game of football to determine the victors for this year at least.
07:50And indeed at most.
07:51Looking ahead to March, every football team will be playing football several times and in various combinations.
07:57If you can catch all of that football here, where we'll be showing all the football all the time.
08:02Catch all of the constantly happening football here.
08:05It's all here and it's all football always.
08:07It is impossible to keep track of all the football, but your best chance is here.
08:12Thousands and thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last.
08:16Constant, dizzying, 24-hour, year-long, endless football.
08:20Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably.
08:23Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever.
08:26It will never stop.
08:27The football is officially going on forever.
08:29It will never be finally decided who has won the football.
08:33There is still everything to play for and forever to play it in.
08:37So that's the football coming up.
08:39Watch it.
08:39Watch the football.
08:40Watch it.
08:41Watch it.
08:41It's going to move.
08:42Watch the football.
08:43It's football.
08:44Should we go and put the telly on?
08:52Can you smell burning?
09:05No, it's just that this is London's burning.
09:06You're quite impressionable.
09:08Oh.
09:11This isn't London's burning.
09:13It's tried and prejudiced.
09:14Is it?
09:14I've been watching it like it's London's burning.
09:17I didn't know what you think was going on.
09:18I thought it was a massive flashback.
09:22Cutty?
09:23Nah.
09:24I don't think I do either.
09:28Seen this before.
09:37Oh, look, there was a fire.
09:40That was a clip from your latest film, Sometimes Fires Go Out,
09:45which has been described as unrelentingly real
09:48a devastatingly faithful rendition of how life is
09:51and dull, dull, unbearably dull.
09:54Those quotes, oddly, all from the same review.
09:56Welcome to the show.
09:57Hello.
09:58In many ways, Sometimes Fires Go Out
10:00picks up on some of the themes from your earlier work,
10:03most notably your short film,
10:05The Man Who Has a Cough and It's Just a Cough and He's Fine,
10:07which we have a clip of.
10:09Super.
10:09Oh, Kylie, I do so love you.
10:22Darling, are you all right?
10:25It's just a cough.
10:28I'll be fine.
10:28Oh, Adam, it's so good to see you.
10:43You too, Kylie?
10:46If only I could shake this blasted cough.
10:50It's such a ball.
10:51Yes, of course, darling.
11:10Adam.
11:11Hello, Kylie.
11:12But you're... you're better.
11:15Well, yes, it's just a cough.
11:16Oh.
11:17Do you want to come back to mine?
11:19Um, look, I thought you had TB.
11:22TB?
11:23No, I'd have mentioned that.
11:25God.
11:26No, it's just a cough.
11:27Right.
11:28Wish I hadn't let you do me now.
11:32Charming.
11:34Wonderful stuff.
11:36And did you notice that the Edwardian woman's character
11:39is called Kylie?
11:40Yes.
11:41Bit weird, isn't it?
11:43Er, yeah.
11:45So, Peter, what would you say,
11:47and apologies if this seems like a crass question,
11:49is the horniest brass eyes on a woman?
11:52What?
11:52By which I mean, what, if anything,
11:54is the message in your films?
11:56Well, I feel that films, the modern film industry,
11:59has increasingly failed to reflect reality as people live it.
12:02I mean, no-one goes for a piss in Star Wars.
12:05You can watch the whole of Ghostbusters
12:07and no-one brushes their teeth.
12:09And in Lost in Translation, nothing happens at all.
12:12Well, let's move on to our next clip,
12:15which is from your 1939 drama, The Gathering People.
12:20But surely, Prime Minister,
12:22Herr Hitler's actions demand the strongest possible response.
12:25Hang on.
12:26I think I'm about to sneeze.
12:31No.
12:32No, I'm not.
12:33So frustrating.
12:34Yes.
12:35No.
12:44Actually, I need the loo.
12:47Right-o.
12:54Should we carry on talking about the war?
12:58I think we should probably wait.
13:00Right.
13:00What makes me incredibly proud of that moment
13:12is that when it was first shown in the cinema,
13:14quite a lot of the audience actually went to the loo
13:16at the same point.
13:18Well, I assume they went to the loo.
13:20But they left, anyway.
13:22Indeed.
13:23And so, could you tell me,
13:24and apologies if this seems like a naive question,
13:26but do puppies have Christmas?
13:28What?
13:29By which I mean,
13:30is there an extent to which
13:31your own rejection of narrative convention,
13:33cliché, if you will,
13:35has led you away from the very realism
13:37which you originally sought to portray?
13:39Are you talking about the episode of Casualty?
13:41I'm talking about the episode of Casualty.
13:43I think they've had a terrible time with the builders.
13:47Well, we've had them,
13:48and it's literally the worst thing.
13:50Hmm.
13:50Bye.
14:11Aliens.
14:11your backwash is making it fizzier did you know that sorry sir obey the bonbons look ginger my
14:23nemesis has left a calling card a single monogrammed glove pick it up ginger yes sir
14:28look ginger my nemesis has left another calling card a single monogrammed panty liner pick it up
14:38no ginger do i have to sir of course you do i'm incredibly busy
14:43no ginger my nemesis has left another calling card what's that in sir there on that batman's
14:53wrist quick pick it up before the police bungle onto the scene and contaminate the evidence yes
14:59excellent use of the monogrammed panty liner
15:06he's taking my watch i'm thinking now we must make good our escape changer i'll drive
15:17in a world spinning as fast as the inside of home base when you've just had a go on a four pack of
15:27two lugs tester cans who is left to fight for all that is right proper and good and leather and full
15:31of money and belonging to that teenager who doesn't look like he can handle himself yes it's the
15:35surprising adventures of me so take be chicken caesar
15:38stop ginger i must think we're so close to finding my nemesis i believe we are looking for a menstruating
15:50child who is waterproof to a depth of 50 meters where can he be hiding in such a famous disguise
15:56i smell sausage rolls you mean something fishy no i smell sausage rolls you mean you detect the
16:04dread hand of my nemesis arch rival they can't want sausage rolls no i can smell sausage rolls
16:11no fucking what i can smell sausage rolls stop seeing that ginger can you smell sausage rolls sometimes
16:20you're gonna die
16:22burglade
16:23weAAAAAAA
16:28DADSDUCKS
16:29he must be hiding amongst these cake eating dwarves
16:33BUT HOW TO OUT WICK THE GOAT
16:35BUT HOW TO OUTWICK THE GOD
16:38GAP
16:44How did my nemesis shrink himself?
17:03When will Ginger find a better method for discovering waterproof dwarfs?
17:08Why don't kids' parties have real boos anymore like they did when I was a dwarf?
17:12Find out in the next enthralling instalment of The Surprising Inventions of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
17:19Redbeard, do you think if I finish chipping this flint by a time when sun is hottest,
17:23you could get it tied to a stick by a time when we all get hungry?
17:27I don't think so, Bigfeet. You're forgetting, today we've all got to go to clearing where we go sometimes
17:32from time when crickets shut up until time when we go back to our huts.
17:35Really? What for?
17:37This Bronze Orientation Day.
17:39Bugger. I'm so sick of hearing about bronze. Bronze, bronze, bronze, bronze.
17:43What's wrong with stone? Does stone not work all of a sudden?
17:46Well, they say that bronze will revolutionise the way we hunt together.
17:50Well, maybe. But I can't be doing with it. Horrid, shiny stuff.
17:54Bleh.
17:55Guys, this is Hairyback from Tribe in the Valley who have lots of jewellery all of a sudden.
18:01He'll be leading our Bronze Orientation Day. Hairyback, this is Bigfeet and Redbeard,
18:06our foremost chipper and tyre.
18:08Oh, great. Well, you're exactly the kind of people I need to get through to.
18:11And my message for you is this. Don't be afraid of bronze. Really.
18:17Unless, of course, someone is attacking you with a bronze axe, in which case you should be afraid,
18:22because bronze is brilliant!
18:26Meet bronze.
18:28Bronze is your friend.
18:30Bronze is user-friendly, multipurpose, exciting, zeitgeisty, and most importantly of all,
18:36it's slightly shiny.
18:38Every day we're finding new uses for bronze.
18:41Bronze plates.
18:42Bronze cup.
18:43Bronze hats.
18:45Bronze shoes.
18:47Even...
18:49Bronze windows!
18:52And bronze doesn't even need to be chipped.
18:55So, stone is dead. Prepare for the age of bronze!
19:02Yes, you have a question?
19:04Uh, yeah.
19:05When you say bronze doesn't need to be chipped, right, my question is...
19:10Doesn't it?
19:12No.
19:13With new modern smelting, old-fashioned chipping is a thing of the past.
19:17Right, because I'm a chipper, you see.
19:20Right, well, I won't lie to you.
19:22Chippers, as a breed, are going to go the way of the saber-toothed tiger.
19:25Ah!
19:26No, I mean they're going to be extinct.
19:28But have you thought about retraining as a smelter?
19:30No.
19:31No, I haven't.
19:32I mean, smelting may be fine for the lads, but I'm no smelter.
19:35And while bronze may be terribly clever, stone was all my old dad ever needed to feed a family of as many hands as I have and then more than that.
19:43I just say, as a tribe, why don't we leave the bronze to the smart alex and the whiz kids and we'll just carry on using stone axes like we always do.
19:52Because if you do, the tribes with the bronze axes will kill you and then take your stone axes and then throw them away because they're rubbish.
20:00Oh.
20:01Yes.
20:02Will the bronze still need tying to sticks?
20:03Oh, yes.
20:04Cracking.
20:05I mean, Kevin just wants to live a normal life, really, which is incredibly difficult for him, isn't it, darling?
20:19Kevin Armstrong is no ordinary 12-year-old.
20:25Come on, let's get you ready for school.
20:27Everyday tasks like going to school, eating a family meal or even going upstairs to bed present an enormous challenge.
20:37OK, jumper coming now.
20:38Obviously, um, Kevin can't see very well, can he, darling?
20:47That's because instead of a face, he's just got another arse.
20:53Continuing the Sensitive Freak Show series, we'll be telling the uplifting story of one boy's extraordinary bravery, as if that's what you're interested in, rather than the fact that he's got an arse for a face.
21:06Follow the trials and tribulations of one 12-year-old's struggle to lead a normal life, while also getting to have a good old stare at the freak in a way you can tell yourself is sort of OK.
21:18That's The Boy With An Arse For A Face, a story of love and triumph, but with loads of juicy pictures of a boy with an arse for a face, this Sunday on Five.
21:31What's this place, then?
21:33It's the show's garden.
21:34It's garden.
21:35It's what?
21:36It's garden.
21:37The That Mitchell and Webb Look garden.
21:39I thought Blue Peter was the only programme with a garden.
21:42Why do you think that?
21:44Well...
21:45What's so special and brilliant about Blue Peter that would make you think it's the only show on television with a garden?
21:51Well, it's the only programme that's got its garden in the show.
21:54Exactly.
21:55And that's everything that's wrong with TV.
21:57It's considered very vulgar for a programme to put its own garden on television.
22:01To actually use the programme's own private garden as a location.
22:04It's like pimping out a child.
22:06And yet, horrifically, in Blue Peter's case, it seems to have worked.
22:10And people think it's the only show that's got a garden at all.
22:13What, so every television programme has got its own private garden?
22:17Oh, yeah.
22:18Well, like The News and Hustle and America's Next Top Model, they've all got gardens.
22:23Yep.
22:24Has Crimewatch got a garden?
22:25Yep.
22:26What, and it's surrounded by barbed wire?
22:27Rob, the gardens aren't themed. They're just nice gardens.
22:31I mean, The Gardener's World Garden, which isn't the one you'll see on the programme, isn't even particularly well-gardened.
22:37It's just a bit of grass and a swing.
22:39The Blue Planet Garden hasn't even got a pond.
22:42They want to get away from all that in their downtime, you know.
22:45Hmm. That makes sense.
22:46Well, it's nice.
22:48Aren't we doing a bit of a Blue Peter, though? You know, breaking the unwritten rule?
22:52Yeah, well, that did worry me a bit, actually.
22:54But it's OK, cos the truth is, this isn't actually really our garden.
22:58Our garden's just through there.
23:00No, this is the apprentice, your fired garden.
23:04Look, there's Adrian Child laying some decking.
23:07Hiya. Your eyes.
23:08Bye.
23:09Bye.
23:17When your number's up, there's nowhere left to run.
23:24No!
23:25No!
23:26No!
23:27No!
23:32This summer, prepare to be astounded.
23:35My God, all these numbers, they're all number-wang.
23:44And even his body is in the shape of the number one.
23:48The prime number-wang.
23:50But what does it mean, Professor?
23:52Actually, I'm just an assistant professor.
23:54But what does it mean, assistant professor?
23:56I don't know.
23:57The world is full of numbers.
23:58Everywhere you look.
23:59On buses, speed limit signs, inside shoes, even in the phone book.
24:15I never realized.
24:18But are the numbers on the side of good or evil?
24:22I thought they said all numbers were neutral.
24:24They lied, Charles.
24:25They lied.
24:27Sorry, who's Charles?
24:28You are.
24:29Right.
24:30The man hadn't said yet.
24:31There have always been rumors of a number-wang code, Charles.
24:34And now we know there is one.
24:37A number-wang code, I mean.
24:38I can't see anything.
24:42You have to look with better eyes than that.
24:45My God, I see it.
24:47They're clearly having chicken and black bean sauce with egg fried rice.
24:51Number 37 with a side order of 14.
24:55Add them together and what do you get?
24:57A number-wang?
24:59Exactly.
25:01You've got to solve this, Charles.
25:03Why?
25:04Because otherwise the world might end.
25:06In a world which might end, only one man knows the answer.
25:12I don't know the answer!
25:15But the forces of evil are against him.
25:18He's dead.
25:21Poisoned.
25:24And he has only the dead to help him.
25:30The last tomb of the Knights of Wangernam.
25:33We're in the middle of a war, Charles.
25:35I thought he was dead.
25:36Don't give away the twist.
25:39A war to protect a secret so powerful that if revealed it would devastate the very foundation of humanity.
25:52Prepare to be wanger numbed.
25:53Oh, it's an anagram.
26:03The number-wang code.
26:06Coming soon.
26:07There you go.
26:10Oh, thanks, Adrian.
26:12Cheers.
26:13This is great.
26:15Every show still has a garden.
26:16I don't think you've got stuff in TV like that any more.
26:19I thought it was all Big Brother and regionalisation.
26:22Rob, the gardens have caused the regionalisation.
26:25Think about it.
26:27Price of land?
26:28Price of land.
26:29Film 2007 could barely afford an allotment in London, but now they're made by BBC Scotland, they've got themselves a bloody loch and a grouse moor.
26:38So what's the show with the best garden?
26:40Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps.
26:42Hands down.
26:43Really?
26:44Is that why it keeps getting recommissioned?
26:46Oh, yeah, yeah.
26:47They don't want to get rid of the garden.
26:48And if you saw it, you'd agree with them.
26:51Oh, I'm sure.
26:52I think if people knew how nice the two pints garden was, they wouldn't mind the show at all.
26:57They'd see it as a necessary evil.
26:59Exactly.
27:03So, can we go and have a look at our real garden?
27:06If you like.
27:14Wow! Hookers!
27:16Oh, yeah.
27:17Right, well, this should be relatively painless.
27:23Scott, you've been with Celicron for three years now, is that right?
27:26Three years, yes, that's right.
27:28And during that time, you've been responsible for marketing initiatives within your department?
27:33Broadly, yes, although my remit tended to overlap with distribution.
27:36Oh, for God's sake!
27:39Sorry, I should just point out, Derek is here to provide what we call extreme negative feedback,
27:44so that we can assess your ability to cope with stressful situations.
27:47Is that all right with you?
27:48Oh, I see.
27:49Yes, that's fine.
27:50Oh, it's fine, is it?
27:51Oh, well, as long as it's fine, that's all right, then.
27:54So, would you care to outline for us the main priorities for the successful applicant for this position?
28:00Well, the main problem, as I see it, has been our over-reliance on our core customers.
28:05Yeah, right.
28:06I mean, obviously, they've got to be looked after.
28:08Fanny.
28:09But there's no chance of the company achieving any meaningful growth.
28:12Stupid fanny.
28:13In the long or even medium term, unless we find a way to attract new consumers.
28:17Oh, this is all great. This is so great. Let me get all this down.
28:22Whether we do that by putting more resources into...
28:24Mmm, absolutely, yeah.
28:25...existant strategies or whether we try to overhaul our whole approach is, of course, a vexed question.
28:31Oh, vexed, yeah, that's good. It's all so vexed.
28:33But if it's a major rethink we're talking about...
28:35Ding!
28:36...then, obviously, we'll need to look carefully...
28:38Ding!
28:39...at next year's budget...
28:40Ding!
28:41...to see what's feasible.
28:42Ding, ding, ding!
28:44Well, that makes sense.
28:45Incidentally, you're coping very well with the extreme negative feedback there.
28:48Well, thanks.
28:50I think I've got the hang of it now.
28:52Ah!
28:53Ding!
28:54...
29:00...
29:04Ding!
29:06Ding...
29:09...
29:12...
29:14...
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