- 4 months ago
- #mitchellandwebb
- #davidmitchell
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping is a surreal sketch comedy from David Mitchell and Robert Webb on Channel 4. Across six clever episodes, satire tackles absurdities of modern life.
#mitchellandwebb #davidmitchell
#mitchellandwebb #davidmitchell
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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the Church Elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:18Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:20At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer,
00:23like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:25Hang on, hang on. What's this new business?
00:27Why is everyone saying new now?
00:29New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:33Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:35Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:38Like your what? What is going on?
00:40We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:42For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:48Good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:53The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:57What's the problem?
00:58Nothing. It's nothing.
00:59It's not laughter sinful.
01:01Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
01:03Shun him. Shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:07Shun him!
01:07Shun him!
01:08Shun him!
01:08Shun him!
01:09No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it. I repent.
01:12Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:14Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:18No, of course not. This is New England.
01:19New England, Satan.
01:20New England. And there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:24He has knowledge of the French bit. He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:30What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore? She speaks of knee tremblers. Shun her!
01:35Shun her!
01:36Shun her!
01:36Shun her!
01:37Take her hat buckle.
01:39No, not my hat buckle. I need it for if my head changes size.
01:42As well it might as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:47He said sexual! Shun him!
01:49Shun him!
01:50No, shun him!
01:52Shun him!
01:53Shun!
01:53You, no!
01:53Just a thought. Is Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:56I don't think so.
01:57Oh, that's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.
02:01He has a daughter called Lucifer. The devil has sprung from his loid. Shun him!
02:06Shun him!
02:07Shun him!
02:08Yes, shun him!
02:09But also shun her, for she said loin.
02:11Ah!
02:12I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
02:13Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:15Shun the dyslexic!
02:16Shun her!
02:17Shun the dyslexic!
02:18Shun her!
02:19Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:24Shun him!
02:25Shun him!
02:26I'm already shunned!
02:27Shun him again for good measure!
02:28Fuck off, Andrew. Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:33We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:35Talk to the hand, John.
02:36The face isn't listening.
02:37He exhorts us to address his hand.
02:40He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:42Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure!
02:46Shun him!
02:47Shun him!
02:48Shun him!
02:49Shun him!
02:50Shun him!
02:51I think she said...
02:52Yeah.
02:53She just called you a wanker.
02:54Shun him once again!
02:55Shun him!
02:56Shun him!
02:57Shun him!
02:58Shun him!
02:59Shun him!
03:00Shun him!
03:01Shun him!
03:02Shun him!
03:03Shun him!
03:04Shun him!
03:05Shun him!
03:06Shun him!
03:07Shun him!
03:08Shun him!
03:09Shun him!
03:10Shun him!
03:11Shun him!
03:12Shun him!
03:13Shun him!
03:14Shun him!
03:15Shun him!
03:16Shun him!
03:17Shun him!
03:18Shun him!
03:19Shun him!
03:20Shun him!
03:21Shun him!
03:22Shun him!
03:23Shun him!
03:24Shun him!
03:25Shun him!
03:26Shun him!
03:27Shun him!
03:28Shun him!
03:29I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin
03:33and I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt.
03:38I thought you loved me, you dick-breath dog.
03:41Fuck.
03:42So did I, you fucking bitch.
03:45I was only fucking fucking up for the fucking farm.
03:49Fair fucking up.
03:51I'm fucking lying.
03:52I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch.
03:56You fuck.
03:58No!
03:59No!
04:03Oh no!
04:05No!
04:10Fuck.
04:12This is my fucking farm now.
04:19Right.
04:20There's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here.
04:24Wait just one fucking moment.
04:27Fuck, shit, piss.
04:29Cunt.
04:30Who the fuck are you?
04:31I'm your fucking mother.
04:33So wash your fucking mouth out, you dozy fucking bitch.
04:36Hello there.
04:50What happened to that bloody report?
04:53I don't know, detective.
04:54Well, you'd better start thinking quick, love,
04:57or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt.
05:00You stupid tarp.
05:05Treasured memories.
05:07I was actually the last actor on British television to wolf whistle at a schoolgirl
05:12in a way the audience was invited to find fun.
05:15But times change.
05:18And rightly so.
05:20Since then, I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older,
05:25a judge who's even older,
05:27and then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical,
05:31and a free jigsaw just for applying.
05:33And when I say jigsaw,
05:36I mean the cardboard puzzle,
05:37not the power tool,
05:39which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance.
05:43Anyway,
05:44we must get on.
05:45This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement.
05:49But then,
05:49you are watching daytime on ITV4,
05:52where the advertising is basically free,
05:54and the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of
05:57has had to have six minutes cut out of it,
06:00for reasons you can probably guess.
06:02So we've got all the time in the world.
06:07Or have we?
06:09Because we all know that we haven't got forever.
06:13Good boy.
06:23Benji's at peace now.
06:25He won't be suffering anymore.
06:28To be honest, he was more or less okay,
06:30but he did keep shitting in the lounge.
06:33And if you're shitting in the lounge,
06:36you might want to consider the Deathly Tass Cut Your Losses plan.
06:40For a reasonable price,
06:42you can pay the ultimate price,
06:44and your loved ones will have the peace of mind
06:46of knowing that they can start getting your smell
06:49out of all that lovely property equity.
06:53Meanwhile,
06:53you check in to one of our luxurious clinic-cum-crematoria,
06:58kick back in a joint and muscle-soothing motorised recliner.
07:02Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs,
07:07though of course you'll be killed by poison injection.
07:10And select a delicious last meal
07:13from our menu of Michelin-adjacent dishes.
07:17Just call the number below,
07:19or get your now-nearing-retirement-themselves children
07:22to go to the website to apply.
07:25Deathly Tass.
07:27When you're getting in the way,
07:28call it a day.
07:29Whew.
07:30THE END
07:31THE END
08:00It's platform 10.
08:06Sorry?
08:07Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley is leaving from platform 10.
08:10You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from platform 10.
08:14How do you...
08:15It's that way. The East Coast mainland trains all leave from over there.
08:18Go and get on it. I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
08:23Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
08:26Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
08:28You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence.
08:31Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Anjian, posing as a history of art postgraduate.
08:36You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:39Look, I really don't...
08:40I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over, I don't know why I did this.
08:44It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:50Three months. Three months I had you on a surveillance,
08:53watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like that dozy prick you are,
08:57smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist and then just walking off without apologising,
09:02picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs,
09:05locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead, that coat.
09:09And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
09:14Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
09:17That was a very small space!
09:19My mother can parallel park better than you and she's 84.
09:23And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers
09:27your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
09:30Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
09:35Who are you?
09:36The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:38To monitor your wretched affair.
09:40With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:42Oh, so much better.
09:43Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:45I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:48I...
09:49You blimmin'...
09:51Ah!
09:54Drink?
09:55Yeah, right.
09:58That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
10:05Morning, Jim.
10:06Morning.
10:06So, um, we're recording our radio play next week,
10:09but we've got a list of sound effects,
10:11just general sounds and noises
10:13that we'd like to get in the can first.
10:15Mm-hmm.
10:16Just think where we couldn't find library sounds
10:18that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
10:20Work my magic?
10:21Yep.
10:21So, there's quite a bit to get through.
10:23I'll just dive straight in.
10:25First up, a woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
10:30Yeah, no problem.
10:30I can do that with my cock.
10:32Your what?
10:33My cock.
10:34I can make that noise with my cock.
10:36No offence.
10:37Oh, yeah.
10:39That's okay.
10:39Uh, do you need us to...
10:41No, no, no, I'll do it when you've gone.
10:43I'll just make a note.
10:44Pavement feet.
10:46Cock.
10:47Okay, what's next?
10:49Right.
10:50Um, we...
10:52We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB,
10:57uh, going into soft clay and gravel
11:00and then coming up against a Roman wall.
11:02Got it.
11:02Yep.
11:03I can do that with my cock.
11:05Right.
11:05So, I'll need some oven gloves,
11:0715 large pebbles,
11:08and a packet of gummy bears or Haribo,
11:11something like that.
11:12And then, obviously, my cock, which I've got.
11:15Okay, um, we need, uh, a waterfall,
11:20medium-sized, not massive,
11:22and, uh, it's in woodland,
11:24and there's a storm incoming,
11:25so it's raining quite hard,
11:27and there's a distant helicopter.
11:28Right.
11:28Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:32Uh, hang on.
11:33British woodland or tropical?
11:35Tropical.
11:35Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:37Because of the humidity, my cock works best.
11:40I'll need a soda stream,
11:42a flappy menu,
11:43four trout fillets,
11:45rainbow or brown, doesn't matter,
11:47and my cock,
11:48which, obviously, I've got with me.
11:49Oh, and lube.
11:50Unless otherwise stated,
11:52assume lube.
11:54Lube.
11:58Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
12:06Really?
12:07The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
12:09Yeah.
12:10Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:13Won't sound right.
12:14You try that if you like,
12:16but I'm telling you,
12:17if you want it to really sound
12:18like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk,
12:20then I'm going to need three reams of A4,
12:23some highlighter pens,
12:24a bottle of Prosecco,
12:26a wall of cardboard boxes,
12:27a plastic toothpick,
12:29a wooden toothpick,
12:31a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup,
12:33and my cock.
12:36OK, OK, we're nearly there now,
12:38so just, uh,
12:39we need a loose shutter banging in the wind,
12:41and it has to be on the first floor
12:43of an 18th-century chateau in Provence.
12:46OK, um...
12:47done.
13:03You're not going to use your cock for that?
13:04No.
13:05It's going to get down.
13:08That's not going to work.
13:11Ah, it's on me.
13:16I'm exhausted.
13:20It's day 12 of middle-aged man island.
13:23The boys have completed their tasks for the day,
13:26and now it's time to chillax
13:28and have some them time.
13:41Could you do something?
13:44What?
13:45Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken,
13:47so, um...
13:49Oh,
13:50they want us to do something,
13:51or speak,
13:53for the programme?
13:54Oh, yeah, programme.
13:58Better out than...
13:59Actually, I hate people who say that.
14:00OK.
14:02Let's chat.
14:11I can't think of anything to say, actually.
14:14Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
14:17OK, well, yeah, all right.
14:19You be the woman,
14:20you start us off,
14:21and then that'll get us going.
14:23OK.
14:24Um...
14:27How are you?
14:28Fine, thanks.
14:33God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:35Ooh.
14:37We could talk about the Second World War again.
14:40No, we did that all last week.
14:41That was a good week.
14:42Yeah.
14:44Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
14:46You know, men love talking about the Second World War,
14:48blah, blah, blah.
14:49But the Second World War was...
14:52A, very important,
14:53and B, brilliant.
14:55I don't know you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:57Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:59What?
15:00Even better than the Great War?
15:03See, that's the kind of joke that,
15:05if we were at home,
15:06someone would roll their eyes and say,
15:08that's a dad joke.
15:09But yeah, it's just a joke.
15:12Actually, it was a serious question.
15:14What's your favourite war?
15:16Punic.
15:19Sorry.
15:20It's Wednesday night.
15:21It's for the bins.
15:24Mine was last night.
15:24There's no way she would have done it.
15:28Yeah.
15:36But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:38Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
15:40At best.
15:41That's the youth end.
15:42No, I think we can appeal to young people,
15:44because we've got that sketch about, um...
15:46Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:47Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:49No, no, no.
15:49It's the one where we say,
15:50wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
15:52I mean, it was harder to have a wank,
15:54but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:56Oh, that's been cut.
15:57Channel 4 said we had too many sketches
15:59that relied on wanking,
16:00and we can only have 11 max.
16:02Okay.
16:03I suppose middle-aged men island
16:04is just like a fun dig at Guy's Our Dad's Age.
16:07Or mine and Kael,
16:08and Lara's Dad's Age.
16:10Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
16:12Is that all?
16:13Are you sure that's right?
16:15I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dads so much as...
16:18It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
16:21Well, of course, I...
16:22It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
16:24Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
16:27Ageing is very now, very contemporary.
16:29In the past, people were a lot younger.
16:31You were.
16:32No, I mean, well, yes,
16:33but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
16:36Oh, here comes another history lesson.
16:38In previous ages,
16:39in the middle ages,
16:41but people were younger.
16:42The average age was lower
16:43because people died younger.
16:45A youthful population is, in fact,
16:47very, very dated.
16:49Yes.
16:49It's actually very now to have dementia.
16:51Yet decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
16:54Not that we're decrepit.
16:55If only.
16:55We're not that cool.
16:56Yeah, I just think...
16:57Although I do have recurring back issues
16:58and Rob had open-heart surgery.
17:00Okay, I think we're speaking at cross purposes here, David.
17:02Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
17:04I know we're middle-aged,
17:05but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
17:07Always has been.
17:08Bill Cotton used to say.
17:09Shut up.
17:10Channel 4 in particular
17:11desperately tried to appeal to young people.
17:13Oh, it's like a lechy uncle
17:14dancing at a wedding sometimes.
17:16Yeah, let's do the quiz
17:17where everyone shows their balls.
17:19Or vaginas.
17:20Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara,
17:21vaginas.
17:22I just think we should pay lip service to that
17:24and not just be constantly
17:26banging on about how old we are.
17:27Like this bit that we're doing now,
17:29where we go on about being old,
17:31when these young people,
17:32some of them women...
17:33are just saying or vaginas.
17:34That's literally all I've said except this.
17:36Yeah, but you said it so well.
17:38Like, I want to say or vaginas now.
17:39In a way, Stevie, you have.
17:45Introducing Branboozled,
17:47the great new board game
17:48for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
17:51Hooray!
17:52You've been branboozled.
17:53Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
17:55You've taken all my bran,
18:01you little scamp.
18:02Mmm.
18:04Bran.
18:05Throw the dice and spin the dial.
18:07Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents
18:09before you yourself are branboozled.
18:11Oh, I've been branboozled.
18:16More bran for me.
18:19Branboozle,
18:20the great new game
18:21that's getting all the family
18:22eating lashings of pure bran.
18:25Excessive brain consumption
18:25may cause rectal warping.
18:29Morning, Jim.
18:30Hi.
18:31That's all done.
18:32Do you want to have a listen?
18:33Oh, yes, please.
18:50Uh, so this is, uh...
18:52This is the rolled-up carpet
18:54being dragged down the flight of stairs
18:56with a dachshund yapping in the background.
18:59Oh, yeah.
19:00And you, um,
19:02you used your cock for this one?
19:05I think so.
19:05Not this one.
19:06Not this one.
19:06I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
19:18Great.
19:18Yeah.
19:19Yeah.
19:29Come to think of it,
19:30I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
19:32Yeah, I thought so.
19:33It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are.
19:44I never imagined I would have this opportunity,
19:47but, of course, times change.
19:50With this particular piece,
19:52I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor,
19:55but on the overall energy he gives off.
19:58It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theater.
20:01In the olden days,
20:03I would never have had the chance
20:04to be in this wonderful stage adaptation
20:07of The Matrix playing Neil.
20:09Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
20:12Hmm?
20:12Your character is called Neo.
20:14That's right, yes.
20:15And, of course,
20:16the thing about Neil
20:17is that, like most of us,
20:19he doesn't know he's in The Matrix
20:21until somebody calls his agent and says,
20:23would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:26And you think Sir Charlie gives off
20:28the right energy to play Neil?
20:29Yes.
20:30As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,
20:33I could immediately see
20:34that he gives off exactly the right energy.
20:37Even though he's 78?
20:38Yes.
20:39Aren't there younger actors
20:40that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:43Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices
20:45to see an adaptation of The Matrix
20:47won't have heard of them,
20:48whereas they all remember Sir Charlie
20:50from all the Merchant Ivory shit he did in the 80s.
20:53Are you excited?
20:53To be in The Matrix?
20:55Well, I'm delighted,
20:56but as I say,
20:57Neil is absolutely devastated.
20:59Neil takes the red pill
21:00and discovers he's in The Matrix
21:02for eight shows a week,
21:03including bank holidays,
21:04for 12 weeks,
21:05and I couldn't be happier.
21:08I'll just put this here,
21:09if that's right, Tony.
21:10I don't want to get in the way.
21:12It's week two of rehearsals,
21:13and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry
21:15are grappling with the iconic scene
21:17where Neo uploads martial arts into his brain.
21:21Okay, so...
21:23Tank just inserted the programme,
21:25he's pressed the button,
21:27and all that knowledge
21:28flashes into your head
21:29in just a few seconds,
21:31and then you open your eyes
21:32and you say the line.
21:34All right, Tony,
21:35leave it with me.
21:36Right, so he's pressed the button.
21:37Press the button.
21:38I know Kung Fu.
21:47All right, Tony.
21:49It's just...
21:51Try it again.
21:53Of course, of course.
21:55Press the button.
22:00I know Kung Fu.
22:02Yeah, it's...
22:04I think I know what it is.
22:07Yes.
22:07You're saying the line like,
22:09Kung Fu is an old friend
22:11that you've just remembered.
22:12Yes.
22:13But it isn't.
22:14No.
22:15It's a martial art.
22:16That I've forgotten.
22:17Yeah, no.
22:18Because it's been years.
22:19No.
22:20How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:22He's not Kung Fu.
22:23It's been years.
22:24We're improvising.
22:25He's not Kung Fu.
22:26Oh, I see.
22:27I'm saying I know Kung Fu.
22:29But Kung Fu's not here.
22:31I could be Kung Fu.
22:33I don't mind.
22:33Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
22:35Could we try that, Tony?
22:36I think that would really help.
22:38For me.
22:40Okay.
22:41So, let's press the button.
22:52I know Kung Fu.
22:54Hi.
22:56You see, the problem is, Tony,
23:00I'm saying I know Kung Fu,
23:02but Kung Fu's standing right there,
23:03so it doesn't make any sense.
23:05Yes, you don't say it to him.
23:08And he's not Kung Fu,
23:10and Kung Fu isn't a person.
23:15Well, all right, Tony,
23:16but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
23:19May I suggest a cup of tea?
23:22A cup of tea for you, Tony?
23:24Bye-bye.
23:24Bye-bye.
23:25Bye-bye.
23:25Bye-bye.
23:25Bye-bye.
23:26Bye-bye.
23:26Bye-bye.
23:27Bye-bye.
23:27Bye-bye.
23:27Bye-bye.
23:28Bye-bye.
23:28Bye-bye.
23:29Bye-bye.
23:29Bye-bye.
23:29Bye-bye.
23:30Bye-bye.
23:30Bye-bye.
23:30Bye-bye.
23:31Bye-bye.
23:32Bye-bye.
23:32Bye-bye.
23:33Bye-bye.
23:33Bye-bye.
23:34Bye-bye.
23:34Bye-bye.
23:35Bye-bye.
23:36Bye-bye.
23:36Bye-bye.
23:37Bye-bye.
23:37Bye-bye.
23:38Bye-bye.
23:38Bye-bye.
23:39Bye-bye.
23:40Bye-bye.
23:40Bye-bye.
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