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00:30Are there any redeeming features of living in the early 90s?
00:34Well, the stamps are surprisingly slightly cheaper.
00:39And with what we've managed to save, we've bought this Cafetiere for one from Habitat.
00:46Because apparently there were hardly any shops just selling cups of coffee, which is ridiculous.
00:53And they're rubbery and brightly coloured.
00:56And they're quite small originally, but then you blow in one end and they get bigger.
00:59They sort of expand, and then you tie a knot in one end of them.
01:01What? Balloons?
01:03Oh, fuck.
01:07Okay, Phil.
01:08In this play, you've got to be on your toes at all times.
01:11It requires lightning-fast reactions.
01:13You know the sort of reactions I'm talking about.
01:17You're talking about lightning-fast reactions, Simon.
01:20That's right, Phil.
01:20So we're going to do a little exercise to try and hone those reactions until they're sharp as a prick.
01:26Okay?
01:28So I'm going to clap.
01:29And what I'll be doing is I'll be giving the clap to you, and you've got to return it to me as fast as possible.
01:35Are you with me?
01:36You're going to give me the clap, Simon.
01:38No, Phil.
01:39You've misunderstood, albeit very humorously.
01:41I clap.
01:42Sorry.
01:42Did I surprise you?
01:43You've got to be ready for it.
01:44There'll be no warning.
01:45I'm going to clap at any time.
01:47Do you see what I'm doing?
01:47I'm clapping.
01:49You're clapping at me.
01:50Yes, Phil.
01:50Don't be afraid.
01:51This is what acting is.
01:53So I clap, and you clap back straight away.
01:57Yeah?
01:58Okay.
01:59You're with me, aren't you, Phil?
02:00Yes, Simon.
02:01I think I've got it.
02:02Okay.
02:02Here we go.
02:06No, Phil, you've got to clap.
02:08No, wait for me.
02:10I clap first, and then you clap back straight away.
02:13Okay?
02:15Right, so...
02:17No, Phil.
02:21But you told me to clap.
02:22Yes, but you've got to do it instantly.
02:24It's got to be like this.
02:25Okay?
02:27Oh, right, I see.
02:28So...
02:29No, Phil, you only clap once.
02:34I realise the mistake you've made,
02:37and it's partly me to blame.
02:39I clap twice to demonstrate
02:41how quickly your clap should follow mine.
02:45It should be me clap,
02:46you clap,
02:47very fast.
02:49Okay, yeah, I think I've got it.
02:50Sorry, I was thrown by you doing that double clap thing.
02:53Yeah, that was my fault, Phil.
02:55That was very unfair.
02:56I won't do that again.
02:57Are you ready this time?
02:58Yeah, I've got it.
03:00You're going to clap,
03:01and then I clap back straight away.
03:02With no pause in between.
03:04With no pause in between.
03:06Right, ready?
03:06Let's do it.
03:07Okay, and...
03:10Oh, it's me!
03:13Yeah, I'm just coming down the stairs,
03:17and round the corner,
03:19and I'm opening the door,
03:20and I'm just coming through the netting,
03:22and here I am.
03:23Bye.
03:24Morning, men.
03:24Sorry I'm late.
03:26As you know,
03:26it's the attack this afternoon.
03:28Now, it's all a bit freeform at the moment,
03:30but I thought if we all head for the same general area
03:33and keep our phones on,
03:34we can liaise from there.
03:36So, let's say everyone heads for this area here,
03:40and then we can play it by ear.
03:42I'll call you,
03:43or text you.
03:45All right?
03:46Dismissed.
03:46Can you give the reinforcements a ring?
04:01Find out if they're on their way.
04:02Okay.
04:04Use mine.
04:04It's speed dial four.
04:06Okay.
04:08Oh, shit.
04:09It's gone straight to answer phone.
04:10Do you want me to leave a...
04:11Oh, hi.
04:11It's...
04:12Yeah, it's Private Davis here.
04:14Yeah, ring him out at lunchtime
04:16on Thursday.
04:17Listen, the captain and I
04:18are a bit pinned down under heavy fire.
04:21Assuming you're on your way,
04:22maybe you've gone out of reception.
04:24Look, just come to call us.
04:25Yeah, so could you call us
04:26when you get this?
04:26Then that'd be brilliant.
04:28Hope you're well.
04:28Bye.
04:31Did they busy you?
04:32No, it went straight to answer phone.
04:33I was going to say,
04:34if they'd busied you,
04:35that's a fucking court-martial.
04:36Sir?
04:46The number you have dialed
04:53has not been recognised.
04:55Please check and try again.
04:56You see, there's no way of telling
04:58you who just called.
04:58The number you have dialed
04:59has not been recognised.
05:04You're having the fish cakes
05:06followed by the stick.
05:06Isn't that right, sir?
05:07Uh, yes.
05:26This is incredibly intimate.
05:29I beg your pardon?
05:30You're having to get
05:30incredibly close to me.
05:32I feel like I've turned you
05:32into a whore.
05:34Oh, right.
05:35I'm so sorry I have to do this.
05:37I feel like I'm real shit.
05:39I mean, why can't I get
05:39my own stupid cutlery
05:40or cook my own fucking steak?
05:42I know what you're thinking.
05:43There's no justice.
05:44It's all right.
05:45It is my job.
05:46Oh, yeah.
05:47You might as well say that
05:47to a dustman
05:48or a shop assistant.
05:50Would you like me
05:51to wrap that for you?
05:52Say yes, please,
05:53and why don't you wipe my arse
05:54while you're at it?
05:55The whole thing stinks.
05:56Um, would you like
05:57to taste the wine, sir?
05:58Oh, God.
05:59And what if I send it back?
06:01How will you face your masters?
06:02You'll probably get fired.
06:03It's like an inspector calls.
06:05Well, shall I just serve it then, shall I?
06:07Oh, yeah.
06:07Serve it.
06:08Like my servant.
06:10Please don't hate me
06:11as a person for all this.
06:16So you're probably
06:17working your way
06:18through university or something?
06:20No.
06:21Right.
06:22But please tell me
06:24you're an actor
06:25or an installation artist
06:27or something
06:27just earning some extra cash.
06:30No, I'm a waiter.
06:31Oh, Christ.
06:33You're trapped by the system.
06:34I'm scared by what you might do.
06:36Please don't spit on my food.
06:41And it's round
06:42and it ticks.
06:44So what's the difference
06:45between that and a clock?
06:46Well, this one's got
06:47a cheese dispenser.
06:50I think people
06:51are just going to say
06:52that that's a clock
06:52with a cheese dispenser.
06:55Yeah, you're right.
06:56Are we supposed
07:06to be doing something?
07:09Well, I said that ring.
07:15They haven't got my number.
07:18I've got mine.
07:19Well, maybe we should
07:26give them a call.
07:29They might be busy.
07:31I'll send them a text message.
07:35Oh, fuck.
07:36It switched itself off.
07:39Shit.
07:40Nine messages.
07:49This modem is so slow.
08:05It's going to take
08:05over a minute and a half
08:06to download.
08:12I just...
08:13I just don't know
08:14how people managed.
08:19Cat for Mr. Jefferies.
08:22Shit.
08:23Oh, yeah, mate.
08:24Please.
08:25Call me Adrian.
08:33People normally
08:33sit in the back.
08:34Yeah, the shit.
08:35Like you're a chauffeur
08:36or something.
08:38Or a taxi driver.
08:39Oh, God.
08:41I just thought
08:42if I sit in the front
08:43then you can pretend
08:44we're friends
08:44and at the end of the journey
08:45I can give you a tenner
08:47as a present
08:47and then it won't look like
08:49Oh, God.
08:51I just don't want you
08:52to feel like
08:52you're paid to drive me around.
08:54But I am.
08:56And I want you to know
08:56that I hate that too
08:58but please try not
08:59to think of yourself
08:59as any less of a person
09:00and I'll try and do the same.
09:04Okay.
09:06How's your family?
09:07I'm trying to show
09:07I'm interested.
09:08How's your family?
09:09I mean, obviously
09:10excluding any money worries
09:11which I'm not saying
09:12you've got
09:12but I really suspect
09:14you have.
09:16Well, I haven't.
09:16Oh, God.
09:19I'd love to believe that.
09:23Yeah, we tend to meet
09:24once, maybe
09:26a couple of times a week
09:27don't we?
09:27Yes, when Barbara
09:29lets me off the leash.
09:30We just come out for a drink
09:31and talk about the old days.
09:33The old days.
09:35Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
09:37You murdering bastards.
09:38Fuck off, you miserable hippies.
09:40Yeah, it was the support group
09:47that brought us together
09:47really, wasn't it?
09:49Yes.
09:51After the act was passed
09:52after it was banned
09:53I found myself
09:54at a bit of a loose end.
09:56No foxes to chase
09:58no saboteurs to berate
10:00sold my horses
10:01needed a bit of a hobby
10:03simple as that.
10:05I mean, there's no getting away
10:06from the fact that
10:07it was hard to begin with.
10:09You know, you spend
10:1015 years of your life
10:11trying to stop fox hunting
10:13and then it stops.
10:15And then what do you do?
10:17So, yes, a few of us
10:18began to get together
10:19into a sort of informal group
10:21and after a couple of weeks
10:23we thought
10:24might as well ask
10:25the sabs along as well.
10:27Turned out they were thinking
10:27very much the same thing.
10:29Funny sort of way
10:30sort of missed each other.
10:33Couldn't make sense
10:33of the situation.
10:35Nothing to do.
10:36I mean, for people
10:37like Philip and me
10:38hunting was our life.
10:40Hunting and anti-hunting.
10:41Two sides of the same coin.
10:45I mean, one tries to move on.
10:48A lot of us took up
10:49darts for a while
10:50and then John and his friends
10:52would come along
10:52and try and sabotage it.
10:54Yeah.
10:55We tried to claim
10:55it was cruel to the board
10:56but it wasn't the same.
11:00Got to the point
11:01where us and the sabs
11:02would just sit in the corner
11:04and slag off the darts players.
11:06Didn't make us very popular
11:07or very proud.
11:10So now we just tend to
11:12come down the pub,
11:13don't we?
11:15Occasionally for a treat.
11:17I might pop out
11:18and cover a dog in petrol
11:20and set light to it
11:21and John will come along
11:22and shout and say
11:23it shouldn't be allowed.
11:25Which, of course,
11:27it isn't.
11:28It's just not the same.
11:29Can I help you
11:35with anything, sir?
11:40Why didn't I work
11:42to make the world better?
11:45So what's it been like
11:46managing without Play UK?
11:51Um...
11:51That's not been too bad,
11:54actually.
11:55Yeah.
11:56Pretty easy.
11:57Yeah.
11:58Yeah.
12:00If I can
12:02make it there
12:04I'll make it
12:06anywhere
12:07it's up to
12:09you
12:10New York
12:12New York
12:13New York
12:14New York
12:15New York
12:15Can we hold it there?
12:18Well, there were some
12:19very interesting noises there.
12:22Um...
12:23John, tell us about your noise.
12:25I guess it was
12:27the kind of warbling
12:28a football
12:30might make
12:31when it's placed
12:31on the penalty spot.
12:33You know, it's a
12:34mixture of
12:35fear
12:35and excitement.
12:38Yeah, I thought
12:39that was what it was.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Kathy, tell us
12:42about your noise.
12:44Well, it's kind of
12:45difficult to describe.
12:47Because it's a noise,
12:48sure.
12:48But it came out
12:50as
12:50the sigh of regret
12:54the sea makes
12:55when it has
12:56to leave the shore.
12:57Right.
12:59The sea
12:59sighs goodbye
13:00to her love
13:01of the shore
13:02knowing she'll
13:03return in the morning.
13:04An endless cycle
13:05of union
13:06and separation.
13:08Beautiful.
13:11And Phil,
13:13you were...
13:13what were you doing?
13:18I was singing
13:18New York, New York.
13:20New York, New York.
13:22Yeah.
13:25Is that the kind
13:26of thing you meant?
13:28And you wear them
13:29on your feet
13:30and they're made
13:30of a sort of
13:31viscous jelly
13:32but they've got
13:33little metal bits
13:33that sort of twinkle
13:34and sometimes
13:35short arms come out
13:36to sweep something up
13:37or maybe take
13:38a sample of soil.
13:38I think people
13:41are just going
13:41to prefer shoes.
13:45You're right.
13:46People are just
13:47going to prefer shoes.
13:49No, Sally.
13:50If I can just
13:51interrupt you,
13:51we're never going
13:52to get Whitson
13:52off the ground
13:53if it's just going
13:53to be a second-rate
13:54Christmas.
13:55Well, I mean
13:55a third-rate Christmas
13:56because Easter
13:56is already a second-rate
13:58Christmas.
13:58We've got to get away
13:59from those established
14:00festivals and try
14:02and think laterally
14:03how are we going
14:04to really capture
14:04the public's imagination
14:06re-Whitson.
14:07Whitson crackers,
14:08No, Terry.
14:09Not Whitson crackers
14:10or Whitson carols
14:12or Whitson trees
14:13or any of that stuff.
14:14Father!
14:15No, not Father Whitson
14:16either.
14:17What the hell
14:17do you mean anyway?
14:18What would Father Whitson
14:19look like?
14:20Be a sort of jolly man
14:21with a big brown coat
14:22and a big sack of twigs
14:24and he give...
14:25No, he doesn't give presents
14:26but he might have a beard.
14:28How does he get around?
14:30In a toboggan.
14:31Whitson's in May, Sally.
14:33What's he want
14:33with a toboggan?
14:35A horse.
14:35He's on a horse.
14:36He's not on a horse.
14:37You've made him up.
14:37There's no such thing
14:38as Father Whitson.
14:40Whitson eggs!
14:41Oh, Christ!
14:43A puppy is not just for Whitson.
14:45Well, this is it, Sally.
14:46A puppy really is not just for Whitson.
14:48What Christmas has
14:49and we lack
14:49is the ability
14:50to be an excuse
14:51for puppy death.
14:52No one's worried
14:53about the over-commercialisation
14:54of Whitson
14:55or losing the true meaning
14:56of Whitson
14:57and until they are,
14:58those Christmas bastards
15:00are going to keep
15:00rubbing our noses in it.
15:02What is the real meaning
15:03of Whitson?
15:04It's where the Apostles
15:05all sat around
15:06and spoke in tongues.
15:07You know,
15:07they went a bit loopy.
15:09Oh, right.
15:09Is Jesus dead at this point?
15:11Yeah.
15:12See, that's a shame
15:13because he was really good
15:14in Christmas and Easter.
15:15It'd be like Highlander 3
15:16where they didn't have
15:17Sean Connery
15:18and you'd just think,
15:19oh, couldn't they get him?
15:20Couldn't they get Jesus?
15:22Taggart's still really successful
15:23and Taggart's dead.
15:25Speaking in tongues?
15:27Whitson lunch
15:28but they all sit around
15:29and have big stick-on rubber tongues
15:31that flap around at that.
15:32No, a little Apostle doll
15:34where you pull the string
15:35and it goes berserk.
15:36It starts freaking out.
15:37Look, everyone.
15:38I've made this.
15:40That's brilliant, Alan.
15:42So all I want to see
15:43is the three of you
15:44doing a little individual mime for me.
15:48It can be anything at all
15:49just so long as it's something
15:51very honest,
15:53something very you.
15:56Is that cool?
15:57Yes, it is cool.
15:59Great, but nothing showy,
16:02nothing too flashy,
16:03just something small
16:05and discreet
16:07and yours
16:09in your own time.
16:27Watch as I take the key
16:35that unlocks the door
16:36to my world of mime.
16:38See as I pick up the cube
16:40that is the bar
16:41that becomes the rope
16:41which I pull against the wind
16:43but snaps onto the conveyor belt
16:44that leads to the shrinking room.
16:51Was that the kind of thing you meant?
16:53Oh, shit.
17:04Do you mind if I take that?
17:06Oh, fine.
17:06I'll check my messages.
17:10Hello?
17:11Yeah, I just wanted to have a word.
17:12Can you talk?
17:13Uh, no.
17:14No, not really.
17:15Um...
17:15Oh, you're not busy?
17:17Yeah, I am a bit, really.
17:18Okay, see you.
17:19Okay, okay.
17:20I'll talk to you later.
17:21See you later.
17:22Bye.
17:23I think Charlie's breaking down
17:26this drink.
17:27This should be good for you.
17:28Okay, great.
17:29Uh, see you later.
17:29Thanks.
17:30Bye.
17:30No, no, no.
17:38Oh, no.
17:41Oh, no.
17:42Oh, no.
17:42Oh, no.
17:43Oh, no.
17:43Oh, no.
17:44Oh, no.
17:45Oh, no.
17:46Oh, no.
17:47Oh, no.
17:47Oh, no.
17:48Oh, no.
17:49Can I ask what you're doing?
17:54Well, as a human rights activist,
17:57I'm trying to draw attention to human suffering.
18:01And I've been very much inspired
18:02by the methods of the animal rights protesters,
18:04who've so impressively drawn attention
18:06to the suffering of animals
18:07by firebombing and kicking the shit out of humans.
18:11So I've decided to highlight my cause
18:13by maiming some dogs.
18:15I've just blinded a Cocker Spaniel,
18:17and Benji here's going to get a burning.
18:19Later on, I'll break into that animal testing laboratory
18:22in Huntingdon,
18:23smuggle out all the beagles,
18:24and then kill them for no reason.
18:27There's a lot of human suffering in the world,
18:29and I'm committed to using hypocrisy
18:30as a way of pointing that out.
18:38Benji, stay.
18:39Stay, Benji.
18:40There's a good boy.
18:41Stay.
18:42Stay.
18:43And it's these issues of slavery and oppression
18:48which lie at the heart of our play
18:50as well as at the heart of black consciousness.
18:54So as you improvise your group poem,
18:57I want you to keep that very much in mind.
19:00Off you go.
19:01Ours was the charred country,
19:07a country of wire and barbed flowers.
19:11Power fell like sand
19:13through the hourglass of our mortal hell.
19:16Whoa, baby, I'm thinking about your chocolate.
19:19De-boom-bap.
19:20Whoa, baby, I'm thinking about your tears.
19:23De-boom-dap.
19:24Whoa, baby, I'm thinking about your chocolate.
19:27Thinking about your tears.
19:28Whoa, oom-bap.
19:30Whoa, oom-bap.
19:30Whoa, oom-bap.
19:31Whoa, oom-bap.
19:31Whoa, oom-bap.
19:32Was that the kind of thing you meant?
19:39By 2010, for example,
19:41your fridge will talk to your microwave,
19:44to your toaster, to your tap.
19:46And it will continue to the extent
19:47that by, say, 2020,
19:49we won't have words for cooker or fridge or tap.
19:53We'll simply refer to the system.
19:55So in the future,
19:56when people say the system stinks,
19:59they'll simply mean that their household appliances
20:00are in need of a clean,
20:02for which there will be a machine.
20:05By 2040, all fuel will be made out of water.
20:09In fact, we won't need fuel.
20:11We won't need water.
20:13We'll be able to make our own water.
20:15Out of we.
20:20Yeah, I wasn't really on form that day.
20:22But, you know,
20:24at the turn of the millennium,
20:25there was this really unexpected run of work for me.
20:29And I used up most of my best ideas.
20:32So that thing about we,
20:35pretty much made that up on the spur of the moment.
20:38I don't really think that will happen.
20:42Could you describe your average working day?
20:46Well, I get up
20:48and then I'll probably have a bit of a think about the future,
20:51about what might happen.
20:54Later on, I might do some research.
20:56I think popular culture is very useful in my line.
20:59I mean, I would never have predicted the space shuttle
21:03if I hadn't seen Moonraker.
21:06What makes futurology so important?
21:10Well, it isn't.
21:11Not yet.
21:12But it will be.
21:14In the future,
21:15it'll be much more important to know what's going to happen.
21:17That's no good, Guy.
21:24I can't get it going.
21:26Well, I don't know.
21:30Unleaded.
21:31I thought it all had lead in, didn't it?
21:35Look, can you hang on a minute, Guy?
21:36Anyway, I had this bet with Guy ten years ago
21:41that we'd meet at Heathrow Airport in the year 2001
21:45to watch the launch of the first Starship.
21:49But my car won't start.
21:51It's been on a blink recently.
21:54Guy says it's something to do with them
21:55having changed the petrol for some reason.
22:00Just didn't see that coming.
22:01And it's like hungry hippos,
22:04but they're all Callista Flockhart
22:06and they never eat any of the balls.
22:08That would just be really annoying to play.
22:10Yes, it would.
22:11But it would make her take a long, hard look at herself.
22:15If that's your aim,
22:16shouldn't you just write her a sympathetic letter?
22:18No, I think this is the easiest way.
22:20Hungry Flockharts.
22:22Oh, right.
22:23We'll get that off to MB, then.
22:25Just in time for Christmas.
22:31Do you ever have one of those days
22:43when you just can't get comfy?
23:01What's that?
23:28It's the ice cream.
23:29What flavour?
23:34The apollitan.
23:38I can't tell much more of this.
23:59I can't tell.
24:09I can't tell much more of this.
24:12I know.
24:14I can't tell much more of this.
24:15I'll be stuck with this.
24:16I think where I want the other day
24:18is coming advice to άλλies and моя gestation,
24:20but it has to be a nice looking choice.
24:22I think this guy is the very clever thing.
24:24But the worst thing is it's going to give.
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