- 4 months ago
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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TVTranscript
00:00The End
00:07Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off.
00:11From them rose millions of tiny maggots.
00:14Maggots. Maggots.
00:18Maggots. Maggots. Maggots.
00:24Maggots. All over the floor of the post office
00:27in Leighton style.
00:32Greetings friend. I hope you're sitting
00:34uncomfortably, be it on your sofa,
00:37armchair or beanbag if that's how you choose to live your life.
00:41I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
00:44You know, everyone has a special talent. Mine is being able to write,
00:48produce, direct, act, paint.
00:52Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift.
00:56When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Dark Place back in the 1980s,
01:00the television industry was up Cack Alley, and the inside of my head looked to be its only ticket out.
01:06This show could have changed the world, if only the station hadn't cancelled it for a rerun of Who's the Boss?
01:12But they were scared of my script's radical predictions.
01:16I portended that by the year 2040, the world would see its first female mechanic, and who knows, she might even do a decent job.
01:24In any case, I wish her the very best.
01:26Still, so much for possibility. French for possibilities.
01:31Tonight, I take no small amount of pleasure in bringing you this forgotten episode of Dark Place,
01:38along with interviews from myself and my publisher, Dean Lerner,
01:42a man who was there during its creation and didn't die or offend me.
01:46Take this gift, sit back, and enjoy what still points the way forward for humanity.
01:52Love, loyalty, sacrifice, and extrasensory perceptive telepathic psychokinetic powers.
01:59Voici. You're welcome.
02:12I'm Garth Marenghi. Author. Dreamweaver. Visionary. Plus actor.
02:19You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
02:24You are entering my dark place.
02:49Oh, no, no, no, no. It's always the same.
03:01But...
03:02Have you already checked out your memory?
03:04Us.
03:08Yeah.
03:13How's it going in?
03:14I guess that'd be easier to manage the old-g+.
03:15simulation, although I did not see a dynamic technology where there was a appetizer via this particular
03:17сть that then went over to Männernet.
03:18chicken. Yes, yes, of course I have.
03:22How long have you been here? Three hours.
03:24Three, Jesus. Try the fish.
03:26How long is it going to take the so-called
03:28chef to cook this chicken? Sorry, I'm not
03:30usually this bad-tempered. I'm just really peckish.
03:33Don't be silly.
03:34I should be thanking you for looking after me so well.
03:36No problem. I know that first days can be a real
03:38pain in the ass. Who's that?
03:40He seems to have a special aura around him.
03:43That's Dr. Rick Dagless,
03:44MD, the world's famous GP.
03:46He's a brilliant yet troubled man,
03:48and I'm privileged enough to know him.
03:50Here, I'll introduce you. The doctors want their chicken.
03:53Tell the doctors the chicken will be ready in five minutes.
03:55Son of a bitch. Whoa, whoa, what's going on
03:57with that chicken? Five more minutes.
03:58You said five minutes. Do you know what's going on
04:00with this flipping chicken? The word is it'll be ready
04:02in five minutes. I'll believe that when I say it.
04:05Tell me about it. Have you met the temp?
04:08Listen, sweetheart, I've not got time to shoot the shit,
04:10so why don't you and your new boyfriend carry some chicken
04:12out to my office when it comes, if it ever comes.
04:15Hey, are you all right?
04:17No, I mean, yes, I deserve that.
04:21Where's this flipping chicken?
04:23Who said that?
04:28Was it you, missy?
04:29Get this into your pretty little face.
04:31I said five minutes, but nothing.
04:33Women like you are the reason this chicken's late in the first place.
04:35You'll be lucky if you get any of my lovely chicken
04:36if you give up this kind of behaviour.
04:40Goddamn son of a bitch.
04:42This is great chicken.
04:43Getting nothing but flour.
04:44When's the chicken?
04:46Chicken's ready when I say it's ready.
04:48I don't even know what I'm cooking.
04:49I'm so angry.
04:50Seasoning.
04:50Now, what do I need?
04:51What do I need?
04:52Tarragon?
04:53Yeah, maybe.
04:53A bit of oregano.
04:54Never heard of it.
04:55Italian seasoning.
04:55Too vague.
04:56Oh, cloves.
04:57Yeah, all some of them in.
04:58Sage?
04:58Yeah, sage's report.
04:59No, no, no.
04:59I'll get to pork tomorrow.
05:00I'll get a bit of pork tomorrow.
05:01Come on.
05:01Son of a bitch.
05:12If I had to call myself anything, and I hate labels, I would probably say I'm an imaginer.
05:27I call Garth the Orson Welles of horror, and that's not just because of his weight.
05:32He is a titan of terror.
05:34I call him that as well.
05:36There are rebels, and there are innovators.
05:40I'm a rebel.
05:41I play a rebel brain expert who's in rebellions against conventional logic, who's in rebellions against the world order.
05:48The show is about rebellions, and if that's not being an innovator, then I don't know what is.
05:54My name is Dr Rick Douglas, MD.
05:57I hadn't been sleeping lately.
05:58Not that Dark Place lets you get much sleep.
06:01The pillows are like cardboard, and my duvet's all lumpy.
06:03Got the call.
06:05Chef down.
06:06And no, it can't wait till morning.
06:08Poor guy.
06:09Ladled to the head, and a fork where a fork don't fit.
06:12This damned evil place was getting crazier by the day.
06:20Morning all.
06:21Cheer up, Liz.
06:21How's Chef?
06:22How do you think the guy's got a fork through his kernel?
06:25He's gonna make it just, but the chicken's off.
06:33Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:42That's a shame.
06:43I'm looking forward to the chicken.
06:45Gentlemen and Liz, it seems as though we have a mystery attacker in Dark Place.
06:49I suggest we split up and search the hospital.
06:51Dag, you, Sans, in the tent can search all the wards in the basement.
06:54Me and Liz will stay here and search this office.
06:57Wait a minute.
06:57Me and Sans are a team.
06:58We don't need a third will.
07:00Look, Dag, this tent was a personal recommendation of wantons.
07:02He might look like he's just fallen off the back of a turnip truck,
07:04but he wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.
07:06He goes with you, and that's a deal-breaker.
07:09Fine, but if he makes any administrative errors, I'll bust his hump, and that's a promise.
07:13Look, at least you're not going with Liz.
07:14That's true.
07:15Now, get out of here.
07:18God, I wish I was hitting the wards with those young bucks.
07:21By mould, tied, spent, busted, rusted, stuck in a mouldy old office
07:27with just a moody woman for company.
07:31Liz, that bulb's gone again.
07:33You couldn't fish another one out from the drawer, could you?
07:35All of us have untapped potential.
07:39You know, that's what the Garth Marenghi Foundation is all about,
07:42learning to harness psychokinetic abilities and underprivileged kids.
07:46We've got the full backing of the army.
07:48There's already a child down there who's very intuitive.
07:51I've seen Garth Bender Falk, so he knows what he's talking about.
07:55I mean, we all have abilities.
07:57I mean, I once learned how to hypnotise women.
08:00But with that power must come responsibility.
08:08Did you attack the chef?
08:09Thanks for your time.
08:11Did you attack the chef?
08:12Thanks for your time.
08:14Did you attack the chef?
08:16Thanks for your time.
08:18I'll say one thing for the guy.
08:20He's very thorough.
08:21I don't like it.
08:22Don't you find it funny that all this started to happen when the temple arrived?
08:24What do you reckon?
08:25Android?
08:25It'll make sense.
08:26I've not seen him eat or drink anything since he arrived here this morning.
08:29It's 1pm now, so...
08:30Sounds right.
08:31What should we do?
08:31Just keep him peeled.
08:33We might need to kill him.
08:37Uh-huh.
08:38Bye.
08:39Good gravy.
08:40A small bunch of objects are flying of their own accord in Ewing.
08:43And apparently more objects are heading this way.
08:51Goodbye.
08:52Flying objects?
08:54It beggars belief.
08:56Well, we've asked everyone in the hospital if they're the mystery attacker, and they've all said no.
09:00And so that's why we're searching the hospital basement?
09:02Exactly.
09:02Exactly.
09:25Dead, Dag.
09:26We're too late.
09:27Looks like our man's drunk again.
09:28Negative, Sarge.
09:30This ain't a fresh kill.
09:32In fact, it don't look like a kill at all.
09:34Guy probably came down, got lost, went mad, ate his hands, and died right here.
09:39Come on.
09:40There's nothing we can do for him now.
09:42Keep close.
09:43These tunnels are really long and curvy.
09:46Hug the wall.
10:04What is it?
10:05Cordless iron.
10:06Friggin' smarts as well.
10:07Of course.
10:17That's why these attacks are mysterious.
10:19They're not conventional attacks.
10:20What is it?
10:22I've got two words for you, Sanj.
10:25Telekinesis.
10:27Teleka-what?
10:29Telekinesis.
10:30Someone or something is propelling objects around this hospital.
10:33But who and why and for what reason?
10:36I don't know yet.
10:37People do develop telekinetic abilities in some rare cases.
10:40Often the subject feels angry or unappreciated.
10:42How are you two doing up there?
10:44I'm fine, but I'm having to tread on eggshells vis-à-vis Liz.
10:47She's got a face like the proverbial.
10:49I think it's her time.
10:51Well, you can tell her from me.
10:52If I felt sorry for myself five days every month,
10:54this hospital would be up the creek.
10:55Sans paddle.
10:56Tell me about it.
10:57No one gave me any time off when I had troubles in a similar area.
11:01I mean, she's a right roll, pain in the butt.
11:02It's the phone.
11:06Reid!
11:07What, Dag?
11:09Hello?
11:11LP519, this is Douglas.
11:12I repeat, this is Douglas.
11:14It's ringing.
11:15Crossout, look at the noise!
11:16Can't read all over this, you!
11:18Everything by the kitchen sink.
11:20How about your kitchen sink at all?
11:22Dag!
11:24Jesus.
11:24I can't hold these plates off much longer, Liz!
11:38Why don't you help?
11:39Instead of just standing, they're dreaming about lipstick!
11:42Holy cow!
11:47It's you, isn't it?
11:49You're doing this!
11:52I just hope Dagless makes it up here in time.
11:56Split up!
11:57Split up!
11:59Carry the load.
12:00It's me!
12:06See you soon, Dag!
12:07Liz, I want you to be calm.
12:13No, Liz.
12:16No.
12:17Reid!
12:18Jim, in here, quick!
12:23Tell Dag it's Liz.
12:25Okay, I'll get help.
12:33And hurry!
12:34Get me, Dr. Rick Dagless!
12:51No!
12:59You again, you bastard.
13:04You again, you bastard.
13:19What the?
13:23Life of us?
13:26Them things come alive in my head!
13:31Suck on that.
13:32I escaped it.
13:53Filing cabinet.
13:54In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor, be he human, be he inhuman,
14:02whoever he be, often he's both, you're running on adrenaline.
14:06And that is what you have to capture in the mise-en-scene.
14:10And then you add to that the supernatural element.
14:13An eagle-eyed viewer might be able to see the wires.
14:16A pedant might be able to see the wires.
14:19But I think if you're looking at the wires, you're ignoring the story.
14:23If you go to a puppet show, you can see the wires.
14:26But it's about the puppets.
14:28It's not about the string.
14:29You go to a Punch and Judy show and you're only watching the wires.
14:32You're a freak.
14:33Yeah, it's me, Dad.
14:35I'm in a dead end.
14:36I've been cornered by some cutlery.
14:37I think I can take them.
14:40A whisk, a tin opener, and a spatula.
14:44Yeah, I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can.
14:49I'm hit, I'm down.
14:50Yeah, got me in the leg.
14:52They'll be after you next.
14:53Bye.
14:53Let's do this.
14:59It's just you and me now, kiddo.
15:03Hello, Dr. Ray Douglas speaking.
15:04How may I help you?
15:06Bye.
15:07That was Jim.
15:09He said that Liz is the source of all this telekinetic activity.
15:12She's pinned Reed against the wall of his office
15:13and is propelling objects around as a kind of guard outside the room.
15:16He also added that I want to hot tail it up there right away,
15:19which means going all the way back to where we originally set out from,
15:21which is an irony in itself.
15:23You stay here.
15:23But, Rick...
15:24No, Barnes.
15:25You're a good temp.
15:26You've got a lot of clerical work ahead of you.
15:28Don't blow it all by getting yourself killed.
15:29You're a good temp.
15:30You're a good temp.
15:31You're a good temp.
15:31You're a good temp.
15:32You're a good temp.
15:32You're a good temp.
15:33You're a good temp.
15:33You're a good temp.
15:34You're a good temp.
15:35You're a good temp.
15:35You're a good temp.
15:36You're a good temp.
15:36You're a good temp.
15:36You're a good temp.
15:37You're a good temp.
15:37You're a good temp.
15:38You're a good temp.
15:38You're a good temp.
15:39You're a good temp.
15:39You're a good temp.
15:40You're a good temp.
15:40You're a good temp.
15:41You're a good temp.
15:41You're a good temp.
15:42You're a good temp.
15:42You're a good temp.
15:43You're a good temp.
16:13There's a lot of slow motion.
16:21The episodes were running up to eight minutes under.
16:25The only way to stretch them out was with slow motion.
16:31And we tried to keep the slow motion away from the dialogue as much as possible.
16:37But anything without dialogue was considered for slow motion.
16:43I ran the only way I knew how.
16:50By placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.
16:54I had to help Reed, trapped in his office by a desk he could no longer trust.
16:59I had to help Sanchez, locked in primal struggle twixt man and wisp.
17:03And I had to help the temp, who was probably doing some filing or data entry.
17:09I pressed on, chased by a stapler that had my name on it.
17:12This was unbelievable.
17:14Liz was now turning my own stationary against me.
17:16What would she throw at us next?
17:18As I rounded the corner, I felt muscular and compact, like corned beef.
17:27Irony of irony, all this paper meant more paperwork.
17:31And look at that, I thought in my head.
17:33Liz has even struck the kiddie wing.
17:35If only someone would set up a foundation to harness kid's psychokinetic powers.
17:40This sorry madam was about to get a double dose of Darkplace Dagless medicine.
17:46Liz, hide your shame.
17:48Liz, hide your shame.
18:18Liz, hide your shame.
18:44Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! maths!
19:14I just want to say, you did a heck of a thing back there.
19:23I'm sorry I busted your balls.
19:25I wouldn't have had it any other way.
19:29What's your name, son?
19:30Clive.
19:31That's a strange name for an American.
19:33I'm from Bermuda.
19:35Oh, that explains it. British Principality.
19:37It's actually a dependent territory.
19:39What's that?
19:40The Queen appoints a governor charged with internal security and external defense,
19:44but she's still the de facto sovereign.
19:46We had so much to teach each other.
19:50I'm going to miss you, Clive.
19:51I'm going to miss the banter, which is first from the get-go.
19:54And as I say, I'm going to miss your balls.
19:57I...
19:58What?
19:59I...
20:00I can't hear you.
20:03Who's supposed to file this?
20:07I'll get Liz to do it first, then.
20:10Under the circumstances, it's the least you can do.
20:14Don't you dare, Don.
20:20Don't...
20:20No!
20:27No!
20:37No!
20:38No!
20:41No!
20:41No!
20:51No!
20:54THE END
21:24THE END
21:54Guess we were two peas
21:56Punching it out
21:57On the same pod
21:58I just hope that
21:59When the temp died
22:00He realised how much
22:01We taught one another
22:02You know
22:02That it weren't just
22:03One way traffic
22:04I'm sure if it had
22:05Any breath left
22:06In his body
22:07He'd have used it
22:08To thank you
22:09Well
22:10You'd hope
22:11Come on Doug
22:13What's that
22:14Buy us all a drink
22:14Down the drip
22:15I'd appreciate that
22:17I could use a drink
22:19As long as it's not
22:20A screwdriver
22:21Yes
22:25I'd prefer a beer
22:27Dear me
22:32We'd seen a new side to Liz
22:52Hell hath no fury
22:54Like a woman's scorn
22:55They can get upset
22:57At the slightest thing
22:59Whether it be
22:59Forgetting to acknowledge
23:00Them in front of one's friends
23:02Or insisting on
23:03Splitting a restaurant bill
23:04In proportion to the cost
23:05Of food that was
23:05Actually ordered by each party
23:07Even though that's only fair
23:08I'd have to try and change
23:11Tomorrow I'd tell her
23:12She'd lost weight
23:13Or that her hair
23:14Looked nice
23:15Whichever seemed
23:16More plausible
23:16I think what this episode
23:23Chose above all
23:24Is that the human spirit
23:25Cannot be overcome
23:27You know
23:28As a writer
23:29If you took away my paper
23:31I would write on my heart
23:32If you took away my ink
23:35I'd write on the wind
23:36It wouldn't be an ideal way to work
23:46Garth Merengue's Dark Place
24:12Is a Garth Merengue production
24:13In association with Dean Lerner
24:16Why Do you Aid the Matjes
24:19is a 4th birthday?
24:21And here you go
24:21I'm going to write for
24:22The 6th birthday
24:25What happens
24:26Alright
24:26I think so
24:27I'll write on
24:28The 6th birthday
24:29I was a sweet
24:30Cut your thread
24:31pas dawg
24:31I have a way to work
24:32Now
24:32Having a conversation
24:33But
24:34I know
24:35I know
24:36I know
24:37I know
24:38I know
24:39If you're
24:39going home
24:41I know
24:42How'd the
24:42Kid
24:43カラ
24:45Come
24:46Fuck
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