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heiji
  • 1 week ago

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00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Transcription by CastingWords
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01:29Transcription by CastingWords
01:59Transcription by CastingWords
02:29Transcription by CastingWords
02:59Transcription by CastingWords
03:29Welcome to Shrewsbury, noble captain.
03:32From the banks of the Danube to the Seven Side, noble captain, you're welcome.
03:37Sorry, I'm a bit, um, I was on the, sorry, can I, can I do that again?
03:50And do you know what it's like when you think about what you should have done afterwards?
03:56I mean, I'd pressed the button.
03:58It said wait.
03:59The traffic lights were already changing.
04:02What was the earthly point in his pressing it again?
04:04But of course I just pretended to ignore it, when in fact it would have been no lesson he deserved if I'd given him a Chelsea smile, you know, slashed his face up a bit.
04:15Well, it started about, uh, must be just under a week ago now, um, I was sitting in here, I was watching the telly and there was this knock at the door, so I answered it and it was this bloke saying, uh, he was making a documentary and could he interview me and it would be 75 quid for the morning.
04:37They gave you money?
04:39Well, they promised me money, but I mean, I haven't seen any.
04:42Who's they, Terry?
04:44Well, you know, it's, it's you.
04:47Is it me, Terry?
04:49Yeah, it's you, it's, it's you lot.
04:52What happened next?
04:54Well, nothing for six days and then this morning the door went again, so I answered it and it was just all these blokes with their lights and fluffy microphone things and the same bloke and you.
05:06And they, you, came in and set up all your gear and, well, you know, you know the rest.
05:14What's the rest?
05:16Well, you've been here ever since.
05:18And how does that make you feel?
05:21Well, I just feel...
05:23Would you like us to leave?
05:25Well, I suppose that...
05:26Do you want us to go?
05:27Is that what you want, Terry?
05:30Well, yeah, actually.
05:33Can you go?
05:34No.
05:34How long have we been here?
05:37I don't know.
05:37It's nine hours, isn't it, Terry?
05:41We've been here nine hours.
05:44How do you feel?
05:52What's wrong with your face?
05:55It's this powder.
05:56What powder?
05:57It's the powder you put on me because of the lights, you said.
06:00It's a bit itchy.
06:01I've got very sensitive skin.
06:03Would you rather we took the powder off, Terry?
06:11Is that better?
06:14Well, marginally.
06:15Oh, well, I did enjoy that.
06:21Anyone else have the...
06:23No, you didn't have the noodles, did you?
06:27Very nice.
06:27It was lovely.
06:35It's just nice to have a bit of peace.
06:37It's been a bit hectic.
06:38It gives me the chance to get on with my book.
06:46Ah, Mr. Harris.
06:48You're all the company I need.
06:55What's going to happen?
07:00Did he now?
07:04Was it?
07:05Right.
07:16Because what's happening is...
07:18Two coffees, please.
07:25Yeah.
07:25Did you manage to get to Sophie's...
07:26Ring, ring.
07:28Is that my phone?
07:28Ring, ring.
07:30Ring, ring.
07:31Ring, ring.
07:33Ring.
07:33No, no.
07:34Not me.
07:34Beep, beep.
07:39Beep, beep.
07:40I don't know what's happening.
07:40Oh.
07:43Er, can I?
07:44Oh.
07:45I'll get food.
07:49Oh, oh, God.
07:52Maybe.
07:53Yeah, yeah.
07:54That's your altimeter.
07:55Okay, now look at it.
07:56What does it say?
07:58Right, that's good.
07:59Now, stay calm.
08:00Don't make any sudden moves.
08:01We're going to get through this, Jane.
08:02Now, to the left of your altimeter.
08:04He used to be a pilot.
08:06What a pro.
08:07He's on any second.
08:08He's still got time to talk her down.
08:11And mark my words,
08:12he won't miss a beat when he's out there.
08:15Okay, Jane.
08:15Now, that's my cue,
08:16so I've got to go.
08:17But just hold her steady,
08:18and I'll be back in a minute.
08:20Don't touch any buttons.
08:21Sir, it is your brother Cassius at the door
08:28who doth desire to see you.
08:30In truth, gentle...
08:34God, sorry.
08:37Just...
08:38A woman on the phone.
08:41In a plane.
08:42What are you eating, Terry?
09:05It's a ravioli.
09:08It's a ravioli.
09:23Are you enjoying your ravioli, Terry?
09:26Well...
09:27Yeah, only your thing is putting me off a bit.
09:31Do you mean the boom, Terry?
09:33Yeah, whatever.
09:37We want to hear you eat.
09:38It'll get cold, Terry.
09:53I thought you liked ravioli.
10:00And he said,
10:00Oh, excuse me.
10:01And you know,
10:02I wish I'd had my bag with me.
10:04Because then I would have had
10:04my two Stanley knife blades
10:06taped around a two-pea coin.
10:07And I could have given him
10:09a jolly good slash on the inner thigh.
10:11It never heals, you see.
10:12The cuts are too close together.
10:14He'd have bled to death
10:15over about a month.
10:16But sods law,
10:17I'd left it in the office.
10:24Clip, squelch.
10:25Clip, squelch.
10:26Clip, squelch.
10:27What, squelch?
10:28I'm very squelchy on my song.
10:31Squelch, squelch, squelch.
10:34Squelch, squelch.
10:36Squelch, squelch.
10:36Squelch, squelch, squelch, squelch.
10:40Squelch.
10:42Squelch, squelch, squelch.
10:45Squelch, squelch, squelch, squelch.
10:48Squelch.
10:49Nothing.
10:50Squelch.
10:52Honestly.
10:53Squelch, squelch.
10:54Okay.
10:54I mean, yeah.
10:56So, if you want to find out
10:57what happened to the
10:58Stalin look-alike,
10:59then Freddie will have to
11:01go and buy the book.
11:02As I say.
11:03All right.
11:10That's me done.
11:12Better be off.
11:14No, because I've got some people
11:16dropping around later.
11:18They said these people,
11:19they said they'd drop around later,
11:21so there'll be some people
11:23dropping around later.
11:24You know, here we go again.
11:28No rest for, uh,
11:30and so forth.
11:33No, it'll be nice.
11:35Have a bit of company.
11:38Uh, right, well.
11:39Better be, um...
11:41Well, might as well, uh...
11:45I'll have a brandy.
11:50I'm really going to focus tonight.
11:52I've been a bit lazy recently,
11:53but, uh,
11:54my agent's in tonight,
11:55so I really want to be on top of it.
11:58What's my cue again?
11:59Um, it's...
12:01Martin, you fucker,
12:02you've stolen my smack.
12:03Right.
12:04This is a great play.
12:05Martin, you fucker!
12:11You've stolen my smack!
12:19Oh, God, it's me!
12:22Thank you, Alison.
12:23That sounds lovely.
12:23Oh, my pleasure.
12:24I'll get the next one.
12:28Oh, it's nice.
12:29Yeah, I like it.
12:30I think I've had this at home, actually.
12:32Beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba, beep-ba.
12:36We have you surrounded.
12:39Lay down your weapons and come out with your hands up.
12:42We don't have any weapons!
12:44If you do not comply in five seconds,
12:47we will open fire.
12:48Five, four, three, two, one.
12:55Oh, my thanks.
12:56Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
12:59Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
13:01Do, do, do, do, do, do.
13:02Do, do, do, do.
13:05I can't believe you're trying to complicate the spin-off.
13:09I mean, it's already a spin-off.
13:10I think it really needs it.
13:12Look, if you've got the plain, grumpy, annoyed ones,
13:15and then you've got the sort of more colourful, nice paintings,
13:18do-what-you-like-as-long-as-you-confess-it ones in fantastic gear,
13:21and then you've got the sort of weird eastern ones with funny hats
13:25who don't sort of much come into it,
13:26then, you know, I think that gives it some meat.
13:28I think you're expecting far too much of people.
13:31I think it really needs it.
13:32I think we should stick to the...
13:34Stick to the what?
13:35I mean, I'm just trying to add a bit of interest here,
13:37because there's no getting away from the fact
13:39that the Messiah has come and then gone away again,
13:42and where does that leave us?
13:45He might come back.
13:47So what?
13:48Frankly.
13:50I mean, you know, him possibly coming back is not an event.
13:54The film Volcano does not start with a clear-up
13:56after the volcano erupts, with everyone going,
13:58ooh, I wonder what it would be like if it ever erupted again.
14:01Opening scene of Alien, oh, thank God we got rid of that alien.
14:03I wonder if there'll ever be any more.
14:07I think you're turning it into a soap opera.
14:09We wouldn't have this problem if it wasn't a spin-off.
14:12Well, you know, I've always thought
14:13we should have done more with the Holy Ghost.
14:16The Holy Ghost has always been a non-starter.
14:19The Holy Ghost is like Mike in The Young Ones.
14:23I'm sorry, Guy, but to me,
14:24this just doesn't quite say Invisible Man.
14:27Well, I'm sorry as well, Tony, but it's the best I can do.
14:30I know, Guy, and I'm very glad
14:32you've put so much preparation into the part.
14:36But I just think the hat should be invisible as well.
14:39No way. I'm not happy doing that.
14:42It's just we can see the hat.
14:44Well, you would be able to see the hat.
14:46Look, how about we try it where halfway through the scene
14:50you take the hat off for some reason?
14:52What reason, Tony?
14:54Um...
14:54What, because a funeral goes by?
14:56If you like.
14:57Look, he's the Invisible Man.
14:58He doesn't give a shit about that sort of thing.
15:00Doesn't he?
15:01Look, Tony, I know what you're trying to do.
15:03You're trying to get me to take the hat off
15:05so that the audience will think that the hat's invisible.
15:07And I'm just not having it.
15:09Look, if you're having problems making the hat invisible...
15:12I'm not having problems, Tony.
15:14I can make the hat invisible.
15:15We could get an easier hat.
15:17Look, I've made my fucking shoes invisible.
15:20Look, right, okay.
15:21That's it!
15:23No.
15:24I look stupid.
15:28Well, of course, Barbara's much better at coping with these situations than I am.
15:33Really, I should have made him swallow a razor blade attached to a piece of string
15:36and then given it a good yank.
15:38As it was, I carved my initials in his cheek and left it at that.
15:42I bloody hate Millwall supporters.
15:44Ding!
15:53Ding!
15:59Ding!
16:14Hello there.
16:34You don't mind?
16:36Of course not.
16:37That's what the chapel's for.
16:38Prayer or thinking or just somewhere to be quiet.
16:42Would you rather be on your own?
16:43No, no, it's all right.
16:45Don't worry, I won't try and convert you.
16:52Anything in particular troubling you?
16:55Well, it's just this girl in the third year.
16:58You probably know her.
16:59Let's not mention any names.
17:01Yeah.
17:02Well, I've just started to like her.
17:06I mean, really like her.
17:08Probably more than is good for me.
17:10Let's not mince words.
17:11Robert, it's Robert, isn't it?
17:13Yeah.
17:14You're in love with this girl, aren't you, Robert?
17:18It's not a pash or a crush.
17:20It isn't puppy love.
17:22It's the real thing.
17:24It'll never go away.
17:25That's right, yeah.
17:28But the problem is that...
17:30The problem is, Robert, that she doesn't seem to feel the same way about you.
17:35You're giving her the gift of your love and you're getting nothing back.
17:40It's bitter, isn't it?
17:43Well, I...
17:44You walk past her room every day.
17:47Slow your pace in the hopes you might be looking out of the window at that moment.
17:51A chance wave.
17:53Flowers every day.
17:55Anonymous cards to hide your shame.
17:57Inscribed with passages of Byron that you're passing off as your own.
18:02And what do you get?
18:02I haven't sent her any flowers.
18:06You learn her habits as if they were your own until they become your own.
18:09It becomes a ritual.
18:11Peering through the window of her car every day to check the extra miles on the clock.
18:15Draw the radius on the map.
18:16Long walks with binoculars.
18:18Lunch at half past twelve.
18:20Learn to be there first to catch that chance greeting.
18:23And if she speaks, what will you say?
18:25Nothing.
18:26Actually, we talk quite a bit.
18:28Oh yes, tell me.
18:29Mindless, inane babbling.
18:31Anything to keep talking.
18:32Anything to keep hearing her voice outside your head as well as inside it.
18:37Anything to stave off the moment where you must trudge weary and alone back to your room
18:41and glumly toss yourself off over that picture of her that you stole that doesn't even do her justice.
18:48Uh, well, thanks for the chat.
18:50And there you lie, empty and panting with your trousers around your knees,
18:54with the hope that used to drive you corrupting your heart like some sick, toxic filth.
18:59And later, her car gone, slouched over the bar, the shimmering optics seeming to conjure up her face.
19:07The barmaid pouting at you like some grotesque parody of a whore until you forget, if only for a few hours.
19:15Well, I've really got to be going.
19:16She's a bitch!
19:18She's a bitch and I love it!
19:20I love that pain bitch!
19:22Bitch, pain, love, bitch!
19:26Well, as I say, thanks for the chat.
19:30And at the end of the day, plenty more fish in the sea.
19:34Right.
19:34Cheers.
19:53Oh, God, I think I've got tinnitus or something.
20:01Burning flesh.
20:02Ah, Christ!
20:03Okay, so once more from the top of the sea.
20:09Uh, Guy?
20:10Yeah?
20:10You weren't sitting there before, were you?
20:13Yeah.
20:14No, you weren't.
20:14You were over there.
20:16No, because if I was there, I'd be behind Fiona.
20:19Nobody would be able to see me.
20:22Oh, sorry.
20:23No, you're quite right.
20:26Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
20:30Heart attack.
20:31Oh!
20:31Grumble, grumble, grumble.
20:35Earthquake!
20:36Grumble, grumble, grumble.
20:37Earthquake!
20:44Can you move your tripod, please?
20:46Because it's nearly time for Deep Space Nine.
20:50What do you like about Deep Space Nine?
20:52Well, it's...
20:54I mean, why do you want to know that?
20:57I mean, it's just good.
21:00I mean, why are you here?
21:02Are you getting angry, Terry?
21:04Well, I mean, you know, you come in here.
21:07I wouldn't mind if I'd had my money, but...
21:09Do you feel better now, Terry?
21:19No, as long as you move your tripod.
21:24Isn't it time for your bath, Terry?
21:26Well, that wall won't piss itself.
21:47Okay, let's quickly rehearse the bow.
22:02So, Jack and Fiona, you come forward...
22:06And bow...
22:08And putt...
22:11And Guy, you come forward...
22:14And bow...
22:16And...
22:17No, Guy!
22:17Not the hat!
22:19What?
22:19Not even for the bow?
22:20Fuck off!
22:32No, Guy!
22:33No, Guy!
22:36No, Guy!
22:37No, Guy!
22:38Not even for the bow!
22:46No, Guy!
22:47No, Guy!
22:49Yes!
22:51So, Guy!
22:54Have with us today...
23:00Thank you very much...
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