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00:00I'll be right back
00:30Well, if you move your men onto the North Ridge,
00:34you'll be able to keep us informed of their movements
00:36while we circle round to the south.
00:38Yes, sir. We'll maintain radio contact
00:40until we know they're on the move.
00:52Yes, I love the dark of the green you've chosen there.
00:55It really draws your focus in, doesn't it?
00:57Oh, yes.
00:58That's great.
01:00Yes, well, rather like Rosemary,
01:06I was concerned to get the clouds right first.
01:08Yes, because clouds are notoriously difficult, aren't they?
01:12Absolutely. Almost as difficult as people.
01:14Well, the thing to remember about people is
01:16the eyes come halfway down the head
01:18rather than at the top, as you might think.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Well, let's take a look at our third artist.
01:24John's taken a slightly different approach, haven't you, John?
01:26Yeah, it's called They Were Betrayed.
01:29I've littered the landscape with the corpses of all the people from the area
01:34who were sent to die on the slaughter fields of the Western Front.
01:37What a lovely idea.
01:40You've really got the rat crawling out of the eye socket down to a tee, haven't you?
01:44Well, keep up the good work.
01:45So you've got the one sort, the men, and they have the bit that sticks out.
01:56They're like us?
01:57Yeah.
01:57But you think there should be another sort?
01:59Yeah, I think there should be another sort.
02:01What for?
02:01I think there should be another sort who, where the men have got the bit that sticks out,
02:06they should have a bit that goes in, sort of a hole.
02:10What, to help stacking?
02:12Yeah, it would help stacking.
02:13They'd really tessellate well.
02:15See, I'm not sure it would, actually.
02:16I'm not sure it would go in that easily.
02:20I think you'd have to sort of work it in, because it's got no purchase, because it's floppy.
02:25No, it wouldn't, because the thing that sticks out, that could change shape.
02:29It could go sort of rigid.
02:32What, when you need to stack them?
02:33Yeah, only for stacking.
02:36I think that's a bit fussy, just for stacking.
02:38I think it would be worth it if it was useful for something other than stacking.
02:46Okay, let's have a think.
02:51So, could you tell us something, Michael, about your previous proofreading experience?
02:57Yeah, I started out on pure text-based publications, computer manuals, that sort of thing.
03:03But recently, I've been proofreading for the National Geographic.
03:07Oh, well, that's great. Text and image.
03:10Well, here at Muff Dive, I don't think you'll be experiencing anything new.
03:14A word to the wise on wanking.
03:17By all means, go ahead.
03:18But believe me, by the end of the week, you won't want to see another split beaver as long as you live.
03:23I can imagine.
03:25Well, there's no sign of a struggle, although there are two small contusions on the back of the legs.
03:30Right, well, we'll just have to assume it's drowning until we get the results back from the lab.
03:34Yeah, okay.
03:37Yeah, also here, you've got to massively come in her face, which is a split infinitive.
03:46It should be massively to come in her face, or to come massively in her face.
03:50Right, yeah. I think I prefer the second one.
03:53Yeah, yeah, me too.
03:55Also, in this Reader's Wives section, you've got this Sally character falling into a very common trap.
04:01She says, Sven started to lick out Janice and I.
04:06Because and I sounds more polite.
04:08But actually, it should be Sven started to lick out Janice and me.
04:12Or Sven started to lick me and Janice out, preposition at the end.
04:16Really?
04:18Yeah, I mean, it's very simple.
04:23Imagine if Janice wasn't being licked out.
04:25The sentence would be, Sven started to lick me out.
04:28It wouldn't be, Sven started to lick I out.
04:30That's gibberish.
04:31So, when you put Janice back in, it stays the same.
04:35Sven started to lick Janice and me out.
04:38Right, yeah.
04:40Also, come is surely spelt with an O-M-E.
04:44Unless that's a house...
04:45That's a house style.
04:47Yeah.
04:49Oh, that's lovely, Dermot.
04:51And I know a good cheat for trees I'll show you later.
04:54Now, as ever, John's given us something a little more daring, haven't you, John?
04:59Well, yeah.
05:00Oh, John, that's really pretty.
05:02Very dramatic use of colour there.
05:04The way you've contrasted the pastels of Diana's face
05:06with the richer, primary colours of the blood and the Nazi cross.
05:10Oh, that's lovely, John.
05:12I'd love to have that in my bathroom.
05:14Would you?
05:15Would you really?
05:17OK.
05:18OK.
05:23Ooh, this was a good idea, Graeme.
05:27Yes, wasn't it?
05:28On a day like this.
05:30What a nice pub.
05:32Yes, it's a lovely pub.
05:34Now, what shall we have?
05:38Ooh, good idea.
05:40Now then.
05:42Hello.
05:43Right.
05:44What do you fancy, Graeme?
05:47Well, do you know, John, it's such a lovely day.
05:50I thought I might have a glass of beer.
05:54Oh, what a good idea.
05:56A nice, refreshing glass of crisp beer on a day like this.
06:02Just the job.
06:03Could we have two nice glasses of beer, please?
06:09Pints, is that?
06:11Ooh.
06:12Why not?
06:14Yes, two pint-sized glasses of beer.
06:18On the slate.
06:18Um, yes.
06:36Ooh.
06:37Look at that.
06:39Do you know, I wouldn't mind another one of those.
06:43Yes, those were good, weren't they?
06:47Can we have two more glasses of beer, please?
06:51This is the gentleman that wanted to see you.
07:00Ah, hello.
07:01How can I help you?
07:02Hello.
07:02I believe your hotel has just opened, and so I've brought you your Gideon Bibles.
07:06Oh, yes.
07:07We meant to get in touch with you.
07:08We've actually had a better offer.
07:11You've...
07:12Yes, we've decided to take Giles' annuals instead.
07:17Oh, I see.
07:18Isn't Giles dead?
07:22Yes, but so, if you'll forgive me, is Jesus, but Giles still produces an annual.
07:27It's just a bit more relevant, isn't it?
07:30Thank you, Penny.
07:31Yes, we just thought it was a bit more relevant.
07:46Also, did you mean to use an Oxford comma?
07:48You know, that comma, the front end.
07:51Well, sometimes.
07:54It's just as obscuring a nipple there.
07:58Oh, right, yeah.
08:00Just get rid of it, eh?
08:01Yeah.
08:03Yeah.
08:03You are quite right, John.
08:11The nice Scotch whisky goes very well with the refreshing glasses of beer.
08:16Yes, don't they?
08:17And on a nice day like this, what could be more appropriate?
08:22Two more glasses of beer, please.
08:24And a few glasses of refreshing beer among friends.
08:28And two more glasses of whisky.
08:30On a date like this, what a good idea.
08:43It was a good idea, wasn't it?
08:45What a lovely pub.
08:46I will remember this break.
08:49Time, gentlemen, please.
08:53And just two more cool, refreshing glasses of beer, please.
08:57You're rather warm.
08:58It's a scorcher, isn't it?
09:00I'm afraid I've just called time.
09:04Oh.
09:05We only wanted a couple of crisp glasses of refreshing beer.
09:12What could possibly be the harm in that?
09:16Well, if we're to be treated like alcoholics,
09:20then I shall wend my way home to my wife.
09:23Yes, I might go with you home to my wife.
09:26And when we get there, we can have a couple of refreshing glasses of neat vodka, the cheap stuff.
09:33That sounds like a plan.
09:35Perfect end to a lovely day.
09:39Well, I thought we'd start with For Those in Peril on the Sea and end with Amazing Grace.
09:44Yes, all right.
09:44But let's have something upbeat in the middle.
09:47How about Christ is Made the Shore Foundation?
09:50I mean, it's gibberish, but it's catchy.
09:52Yeah, OK.
09:53OK.
09:56No, that's not how you do cows.
10:05Now, John.
10:06Ha.
10:07Oh, John sounds triumphant.
10:09And what have we here?
10:10Something a little out of the ordinary?
10:12It's a small sculpture of an aborted fetus made from the frozen sperm of pubescent boys.
10:18I call it contraception.
10:20How lovely.
10:20I've been collecting the sperm by going around secondary schools and handing out porn mags.
10:25What a smashing project.
10:27And drugs.
10:28Great.
10:29I do love angry art.
10:30It can be just as pretty, if not sometimes prettier, than normal art.
10:34It's made of semen.
10:35Real semen.
10:37I'd expect nothing less.
10:38All frozen around my own bollock.
10:40Oh, good for you.
10:41Hello, mate.
10:52Of course, we all get a bit annoyed every now and again, but at the end of the day, come
10:57on, it's just not worth it, is it?
11:00So do yourself a favour.
11:02Don't murder someone.
11:05Of course, I'm no saint.
11:08We wouldn't be human unless we filled up with hate every now and again, but come on, be fair.
11:14No matter how annoying someone gets, don't cut them to bits.
11:19And I should know.
11:22That's right, I'm in prison.
11:25These are bars.
11:26You've got it.
11:27Do you see, I was in prison all along.
11:30They won't let me out because I've done a murder.
11:32That's the thing.
11:34So don't be like me.
11:38Murder.
11:39Don't do it, eh?
11:57Oh, John, it looks as if this rather nice-looking pub's just opened.
12:04Oh, splendid.
12:06Tell you what, here's a thought.
12:08Since it's such a nice day, we could always...
12:11Pop in for a nice, refreshing glass of beer.
12:14Yeah, any available units to assist at 32 Carrington Street, please.
12:28Thanks very much, Superintendent.
12:30Uniform of Dalla, great job.
12:32CID will take over from here.
12:33Always a pleasure, Jack.
12:36I'll see you at golf.
12:40Well, let's just make it simpler.
12:42How about the baby comes out of the hole?
12:44That's not simple at all.
12:46The baby is the bit that sticks out of the man.
12:49What, the bit that goes rigid for stacking?
12:51Yeah, and then one day, the bit that sticks out of the man just detaches itself
12:55and starts walking around, and that's the baby.
12:59But it's only got one eye and no arm.
13:01Well, it develops into a baby.
13:03What, and the man grows another bit that sticks out?
13:06Exactly.
13:07Yeah, but having gone to the trouble of giving the other thought this hole,
13:11it's now completely redundant.
13:15Well, there's always the stacking.
13:18Hmm.
13:18You see, I'm wondering how often we're going to need to stack them.
13:29Mom and Dad, hi.
13:34Hope things are cool back home.
13:37Still travelling, dot, dot, dot.
13:40Don't know when I'll be home.
13:43Take care of each other, you guys.
13:46Love, Tim.
13:48Should we go to the park now?
14:05I mean, I just don't bother talking to him anymore.
14:07Last time I was in a camp, he said,
14:09when I say jump, you say how high.
14:12I actually say it, or, uh, how high then, Alan?
14:14How high shall I jump?
14:15You know, he didn't have an answer.
14:16He was completely stumped.
14:17I'm like, the bloke's an arsehole.
14:18Hmm.
14:19Well, isn't the first time someone's come to me with a complaint like this.
14:22Look, I'll tell you what,
14:23I'll go and have a word with Brenda in person now,
14:25and we'll see what we can do.
14:27Okay?
14:27Okay.
14:28Yeah, my folks don't know where I am.
14:42I know.
14:45It's like sometimes I think I've been travelling so long,
14:48I just feel dizzy.
14:49How's your BLT?
14:56Okay.
14:57Not really hungry?
14:58Me too.
15:00I had a cream tea earlier.
15:02I don't eat cream teas,
15:04because a friend of mine had a really bad experience on the local food.
15:07Ate cream teas the whole time,
15:09which they say you shouldn't do, you know, in the book.
15:12What, roughing it in England on two grand?
15:14Yeah.
15:15She really went kind of native with the cream teas.
15:17Put on three stone.
15:21Yeah.
15:23Yeah.
15:26Yeah.
15:2912 o'clock Thursday?
15:31Yeah, that should be fine.
15:32The road is long
15:35With a many a winding tongue
15:44That leads us to rule
15:48Knows where
15:50Honour your prior commitments
16:05Or you might get smashed up.
16:13He ain't heavy
16:15He's my brother
16:19Hey, are you travellers too?
16:29Yeah, man.
16:30This is Tim.
16:31I'm Tesh.
16:32We hooked up a couple of weeks ago in York.
16:34York?
16:35Cool.
16:36I was there a couple of months back.
16:37Wow.
16:38Did you go to the Jorvik centre?
16:40Absolutely.
16:41Flew me away.
16:42Were you really stoned when you went there?
16:45No, but I'd hit a pub lunch pretty hard, so I was kind of, you know, sleepy.
16:50Exactly.
16:52I mean, I had no idea they could get away with doing that sort of thing.
16:59I mean, they might think it's funny, but I'm not laughing.
17:03Early last October, Gary Chappell was admitted to the Queen Mary Hospital in Lyme Regis
17:09for a routine hip operation.
17:11The operation was to last an hour and a half, and he was to be discharged the following day.
17:15That's my life now.
17:17I mean, you can hear it even now, but it was two, three times louder after the operation.
17:25It just makes me into a bit of a figure of fun, really, at work and at home.
17:32Well, what's causing it?
17:34Was there a mistake with your hip operation?
17:37No, it's not a mistake.
17:39It's a squeaker.
17:40I'm sorry?
17:40The consultant told me a few weeks later that they've put a squeaker, a rubber squeaker in there, in my hip.
17:48Listen.
17:50See?
17:52It's insufferable.
17:53I mean, in the end, the rubber will perish.
17:57But until then, it's just very embarrassing.
18:02Well, why did they do this?
18:05Well, the consultant said to me that he dared the surgeon to do it.
18:11He says to me, I dared him, and I never thought he'd do it.
18:14Apparently, none of them did.
18:16Apparently, they were all saying, oh, my God, I can't believe he's doing it.
18:20You know, through their masks, with me on the table, none the wiser.
18:25Apparently, they were in hysterics.
18:26Oh, Jeremy, what are you doing?
18:28I can't believe he's doing it.
18:30Oh, Jeremy, you are mental.
18:32You are mental, Jeremy.
18:33Jeremy.
18:36Well, if you ask me, they are.
18:39They are mental.
18:40You know, that's the kindest thing I can think about it, really.
18:47Mr. Jeremy Peters, Gary Chappell's surgeon,
18:50has failed to respond to any of Mr. Chappell's letters
18:53concerning this alleged practical joke.
18:56We tracked Mr. Peters down and confronted him with Gary's charges.
19:01Well, I'm sorry.
19:03I just don't know what he's talking about.
19:07The man's clearly delusional in some way.
19:10But we ourselves heard Gary Chappell squeak.
19:13Well, I...
19:19I can't explain that.
19:22Gary Chappell isn't alone.
19:28Dorothy Portman suffered for five years with a slow-release lemon sherbet capsule in her bladder.
19:35At first, I thought it was a more common urine reinfection.
19:39But then I started noticing the smell.
19:41Sort of citrus.
19:44And, of course, the interminable fizzing.
19:47Was it painful?
19:49No.
19:50More of a tickle.
19:53Yes.
19:54Do you think it's funny?
19:56Well, at first, I was quite distressed.
20:00Well, having thought about it,
20:02I do think it's quite funny.
20:05Yes.
20:07Yes, it's quite a worrying trend, actually.
20:10In some cases, virtually no-one gets out of the operating theatre
20:14without some sort of surprise waiting for them.
20:17We've had men's nipples moved closer together or aligned vertically.
20:21We've had fairy liquid injected into people's bloodstream
20:26so that when they cut themselves, they foam.
20:28Several cases of obscenities being written in stitches.
20:31You know, you wake up and you've got shag written across your abdomen.
20:35It's quite distasteful.
20:38We've even had cases of people being given joke diseases to wake up to,
20:42usually something fairly minor like chicken pox or influenza.
20:46But one woman in Somerset went into hospital for a routine toenail operation
20:51and came out with lung cancer.
20:53And that's clearly not acceptable.
20:57And what about the case of this woman from Somerset
21:00who went in for the toenail operation?
21:04Well, that's...
21:05That's just sick.
21:08I mean, what sort of person would do that sort of thing?
21:11Excuse me.
21:20We're definitely in the grip of some particularly gruesome sort of new lad phenomenon.
21:26They know what they're doing.
21:28They know that it's wrong.
21:30And that's where they get their kick.
21:32But for Gary Chappell, the laughing never starts.
21:41With little information available about the decomposition of rubber squeakers at body temperature,
21:45he has no way of telling how long his torment will last.
21:48I think I might try it with some anhydrous sodium acetate.
21:56Good idea.
21:57I'll go and punch you in the results we've got so far.
21:59You see, the thing that a lot of the locals don't realise is that if these birds don't get fed,
22:11they're just going to die.
22:13Yeah, but you can't tell them that because that would just be patronising.
22:17Yeah, it's just something I feel that I can do because, you know, we're really lucky.
22:22Yeah, we are.
22:23We really are very lucky.
22:25Hey, have you guys heard about this urban myth that's going around?
22:29About this little chef that's still selling at $90.90 prices?
22:33No.
22:34It's, like, totally cut off.
22:36Apparently head office have forgotten it exists and it never got the new pricing structures.
22:40It's, like, totally cut off.
22:42But if you can get there, you can eat at, like, 80% of current prices.
22:47Wow, where is it?
22:49Well, I was given this map and looks like it's somewhere near the A1.
23:13We should do this more often, really.
23:17Well, it's, like, totally how I imagined it.
23:33Yeah, but, like, how do we get there?
23:36We could jump.
23:37My shoulders hurt?
23:53Yeah.
23:54My shoulders hurt.
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