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heiji
  • 6 days ago

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00:00MUSIC
00:04MUSIC
00:08About bloody time. What is it? What's wrong with that little boy?
00:24Calm down, Mr and Mrs Chamberlain. We have diagnosed your son's condition.
00:28Oh, that's good news, isn't it? Yeah, well, no, I'm afraid it isn't good news.
00:34TAMBERLANE
00:37TAMBERLANE, wake up. TAMBERLANE, can't hear you, Mr Chamberlain.
00:41There's no nice way of saying this, but your son is dying.
00:46My little pumpkin! Hang on in there, TAMBERLANE. Dying? What of?
00:52Embarrassment.
00:55Oh, Mum, he's brave little soldier. Have you been cutting up his egg for him?
00:59Because he doesn't like it cutting up.
01:01Oh, look at the state of youth.
01:03I've never seen levels of embarrassment like this before.
01:06We estimate that he's got six weeks left at most.
01:09Well, nothing's too good, friend. We're going to make these last weeks the best ever, do you hear me, TAMBERLANE?
01:13The best ever. We'll take you to Disneyland. You can meet Mickey Mouse himself, shake his hand. We'll make them do a parade just for you.
01:22He can get that singer any likes. The one that did Achy Breaky Heart. He can come in and wake him with a song. What was he called?
01:28Right, says Fred. Says Fred! That's the one. You'd like that, wouldn't you, Poodle Pops?
01:32Remember? You danced to it at your Auntie Pauline's boob job party.
01:36He was five. A little purple pageboy outfit and a white sailor's hat. It was so adorable. I've got some photographs.
01:43Oh, no, hang on. That was him, too, in the bath. Look at his little dinky-doo.
01:48We're losing him!
01:50Mickey, don't go! You haven't tried on your new cardigan!
01:58Time of death, 11.26am.
02:02Mr Bongles is crying.
02:06We're going to give you the best funeral ever. Uncle Geoff will read some of his blue limericks.
02:13And I'll do my impression of John Major singing Thriller.
02:23Here. You'll never guess what I've done.
02:26What have you done?
02:27I've only gone and cut a hole in the back of Gordon's biohazard suit.
02:38Hilarious.
02:39So, this is house number three, the wild card. And I think we'd better start in the bathroom.
02:48So, this is the bathroom.
02:52Oh, well, it's a good size.
02:53Yeah. Shower fitting.
02:54Sorry, do you want to try that again?
02:55Oh, is there a problem?
02:56I just think it's worth doing the bathroom bit again. You forgot to say about the bath.
02:57Say what about the bath?
02:58Oh, it'll be obvious.
02:59So, this is the bathroom.
03:13This is the bathroom.
03:16Oh, this is a good size.
03:18Yeah. Shower fitting. And a bath.
03:26Was that better? I mentioned the bath.
03:28Sorry, what kind of people are you?
03:30Um...
03:31The bath is not white.
03:34Uh, no, no. It's sort of green, isn't it?
03:36It's avocado, you c***!
03:40The rule is that no one can live with or stand for a second any bath that isn't white.
03:45And if you look like you can on television, everyone will just think you're scum.
03:49You're supposed to say,
03:50I couldn't live with that bathroom suite, that would have to go,
03:53and then we all agree, along with the whole of Britain.
03:56What about all the people who fitted coloured bathroom suites?
03:59Nobody knows.
04:00Death camps, mass sterilisation, living in the sewers, eating prawn cocktails.
04:04Who cares? They're not around anymore.
04:06So, I advise you to march in step with the rest of the white bathroom-loving nation.
04:10Remember it like racism.
04:12White is right!
04:15So, this is the bathroom.
04:21Oh, well, this is a good size.
04:23Yeah, uh, shower fitting.
04:26I'm not sure I like the colour of the bathroom suite, though.
04:29Urgh! Yes!
04:30I mean, could you live with it for a second?
04:32Um...
04:33I mean, could you stand to have a single bath in there without being sick?
04:37How could you sleep a week knowing that somewhere in your house,
04:39mute ceramic witness was being paid to your total inability to bow to the prevailing taste consensus?
04:45Excuse me.
04:46How could you let your children bathe their pink vulnerable bodies in a colour that famously clashes with pink?
04:51Everyone knows that children's bodies look better in a white bath.
04:53And before you say that sounds weird, I mean alive or dead.
04:57So, I ask you again, could you live with that bath?
05:02Yes.
05:04Yes, I could.
05:05And I don't care who knows it.
05:07It's fine.
05:08I mean, it might not be what I choose, but given that this is a room in which I shit and wash my balls,
05:15I don't see if it's particularly important what the colour scheme is.
05:18Well said, darling.
05:19And I'll go one further.
05:20It is a colour I choose.
05:21I like it.
05:22I'm sorry.
05:23I'm sorry.
05:24I'm so sorry, my darling.
05:25It's kind of this way.
05:29I'm so sorry.
05:30I'm so sorry, my darling.
05:31It's kind of this way.
05:36I'm so sorry.
05:50That was for the best.
05:51Now, come on.
05:52Let's go and look at the guest bedroom.
05:54It's got flock wallpaper.
05:56You'll know what to say.
05:58I couldn't live with it.
05:59Could you live with it?
06:00I couldn't live with it.
06:12So, Hitchcock goes to Selznick and says, hey, I got this fantastic book I want to make a movie out of.
06:18It's called Rebecca.
06:19And Selznick goes, great, who do you want for Rebecca?
06:23And Hitch says, no one.
06:25It's about this guy, marries a girl, takes her back to his big old house, and all anyone can talk about is his first wife, Rebecca, who's dead.
06:35And Selznick goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's dead?
06:38Listen up, you limey bastard.
06:40You're in Hollywood now.
06:42And in Hollywood, you go see a film called Rebecca, there better be a dame called Rebecca in it.
06:48Got it?
06:49And, you know, Selznick was the money, so first cut, we did it his way.
06:54Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley for the first time.
07:00So, here we are, darling.
07:02Manderley.
07:03Oh, I'm Max.
07:04It's everything I hoped it would be.
07:06You know, we simply must hold the most wonderful party.
07:08Why, Maxim, whatever is it, are you unhappy?
07:12No, Rebecca, it's nothing.
07:14I was just wondering what my second wife is going to be like.
07:18I bet she'll want to hold a party, too.
07:21Mrs. Danvers, may I ask you something?
07:28Of course, madam.
07:31Mrs. Danvers, I... I should like to see the east wing.
07:35Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible, madam.
07:38The master is keeping that wing just as it is for the second Mrs. De Winter.
07:43Oh, well, surely in the meantime, he wouldn't mind me...
07:46No, madam.
07:47No-one ever goes in there... yet.
07:50Mrs. Danvers, I must insist.
07:53But it's Mrs. De Winter's wing.
07:56I am Mrs. De Winter, for now.
08:02Oh, Maxim, I wish you could have come to the Boating Lake today.
08:05It was perfectly lovely.
08:09Max, you're not even listening to me.
08:12I'm sorry, dear.
08:13I was thinking about a time when we'll be playing tennis.
08:16How...
08:17How she'll love tennis.
08:19So that's why I'm not allowed on the court.
08:21I'm surprised you didn't keep the Boating Lake for her as well.
08:24Oh, no.
08:25We'll never use the lake once you're gone.
08:27She'll find it too upsetting.
08:28Besides, people will say it's haunted.
08:31Max!
08:32What the devil do you think you're playing at?
08:44For God's sake, go and change out of that thing!
08:45I don't understand.
08:46It's only the dress and the portrait.
08:47The portrait of the second Mrs. De Winter!
08:49You knew!
08:50You knew!
08:51You knew that this is the dress you wanted the second Mrs. De Winter to wear!
08:52You knew!
08:53You knew that this is the dress you wanted the second Mrs. De Winter to wear!
08:54Of course I knew!
08:55Of course I knew!
08:56Because it's the second Mrs. De Winter!
08:57You knew!
08:58You knew that this is the dress you wanted the second Mrs. De Winter to wear!
09:02Of course I knew!
09:03Because it's about time you learnt that you won't be able to hold a candle to her, I shouldn't
09:20think.
09:21Just look at her room.
09:23Isn't it?
09:24It's so nice, Mary.
09:29Just look at her room. Isn't it beautiful?
09:32Look at her clothes. Aren't they wonderful?
09:35This is her garden party dress if she's a size 8.
09:38And here it is if she's a size 10.
09:40And here it is if she's a size 12.
09:47You know, Max, I think I could bear this, all of it.
09:50If only I knew that once you were with her, you'd be happy.
09:53Will you, Max? Will you be happy?
09:56Or will there be a third Mrs de Winter?
09:58Oh, yes. That's who I'm keeping the other mansion for.
10:10You know Kerry in the open plan upstairs?
10:13What, sad Kerry or Danish Kerry?
10:15See, that's interesting. I know what you mean,
10:17but I always think of Danish Kerry as gorgeous Kerry,
10:20and the one you think of as sad Kerry as rebound Kerry.
10:23We probably shouldn't get into what that says about you.
10:26Fair enough. But you've worked with rebound Kerry, haven't you?
10:29You've got her number?
10:30What, you want me to give you her number so that you can ring her up
10:32and go on a date and then see if she'll let you have sex with her?
10:35Please.
10:36It's like showing an office with Caravaggio.
10:39You mean Casanova.
10:40Ooh, Casanova is it? You really do fancy your chances.
10:44Right, I'm just tooth-ing it from my cell.
10:46Oh, Colin, I do wish you wouldn't use language like that. Anyone could walk in.
10:50Tooth-ing now. Are you getting it?
10:52Will you please just read it out to me?
10:54Oh, don't be ridiculous, Ray. This is much quicker. Are you getting it?
10:57No, I'm not getting it. I'm waiting for you to read out the number
11:00using the ancient but surprisingly efficient communication technology of talking.
11:05Oh. Maybe it's a bit far away. That's sometimes the problem.
11:14Have you got it now?
11:15Fine. You win. I'm now turning on Bluetooth. I want to die.
11:19See, it's quicker, isn't it? It demonstrably is not.
11:22It's better, though, isn't it? No, not really.
11:24More fun? No.
11:27Have you got it?
11:28No!
11:38Colin, it's digital information, not salt.
11:41Why isn't it working? I think your mobile's broken.
11:44It's all right. I'll email it.
11:46Please!
11:47It's cheaper than texting.
11:48Will you just read out the frigging number?
11:50All right. Crikey.
11:54Sorry for trying to save you time in the long run.
11:57Sorry I can't chalk it on a little blackboard like at infant school
12:00and then take it to the nearest post office just in time for the last pigeon.
12:04Do you not want me to have sex with Kerry?
12:06Is she your mum or something?
12:09Ray, I have absolutely no interest in your penis
12:12or who or where you want to put it near or in.
12:15I will now read out the number.
12:20So it's Kerry. Have you put that in?
12:22No, I prefer to put the number in first and then save the name second.
12:26Is this going to be the new problem?
12:28No, no problem at all.
12:30It's just that in predictive text Kerry comes out Jerry
12:33and I wouldn't want you to involve yourself in some kind of humorous misunderstanding.
12:37Your keenness to avoid humorous misunderstandings is one of your more appealing qualities, Colin.
12:42Now, will you please just give me Kerry's telephone number
12:45and in a way that is not completely perverse?
12:49Add 44 or 020 794 6 01869-ner.
13:01Do you mean 0207 946 0869?
13:05Well, yes, if you want to be boring about it.
13:11How much for the wardrobe?
13:13That one, mate, 250.
13:15That's quite a lot, isn't it?
13:17Not really.
13:18French oak, 1890s, gateway to Narnia, lovely marquetry work on the doors, 250.
13:23Sorry, did you just say gateway to Narnia?
13:25That's right, love.
13:26What, THE Narnia?
13:28Yes, mate. Paperbacks are all 50p, mate.
13:30Sorry, what, witches, gnomes, all that?
13:32I think they prefer the term dwarves, but, yeah.
13:35Aslan?
13:36Oh, yeah, yeah, he's lovely, yeah.
13:38Bit mysterious, but then he is a lion, so hard to know what they're thinking.
13:42So, what, you've actually been to Narnia?
13:44Oh, yeah, yeah, it's lovely. Bit like the Cotswolds.
13:47And you're selling it at a car boot sale because...?
13:50Well, I don't really need it any more.
13:52I mean, you know, it was good when I had the flat, handy to have a bit of outside space,
13:55but, you know, since we moved, we've got a garden and fitted wardrobes, so...
13:59Can we have a go?
14:02Oh, yeah, it all works, yeah. Knock yourself out.
14:05They're a pound, darling.
14:11Here. Do you know what I've done this time?
14:14No.
14:15I couldn't help myself.
14:16I've only gone and taken the soup out of Gordon's thermos
14:20and replaced it with the Ebola virus.
14:23Oh!
14:24You guys!
14:29Got him.
14:30Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come, my love! The stab went...
14:34Oh.
14:35Oh, God.
14:37Oh, right, yeah, I remember.
14:39What do you reckon?
14:41We were in Narnia for years and years.
14:44And we became king and queen, and we were good and just,
14:47and we loved all the time, apart from when we had to do a battle,
14:50but then we always won,
14:51and I had a little mouse who was my servant who could speak.
14:54Did you?
14:55That's nice.
14:56Well, I'll tell you what, 250, but I'll throw in free delivery.
14:59Yes!
15:00Yes!
15:02What?
15:03What?
15:04Well, I don't know.
15:05It's a bit...
15:06It's a bit what?
15:07It's a bit...
15:08nice.
15:10It's a bit...
15:11Christian.
15:13What?
15:14Let's go and have another look at that leather sofa.
15:17But...
15:18Narnia!
15:20Narnia, I think.
15:23Donkey rides, completely safe.
15:26Donkey rides, £10 or vital supplies in kind.
15:30Can we go soon, sir, before another dog takes an interest in my bottom?
15:35You ask for that, Ginger, you ass-wiggling little tart.
15:38I didn't mean to wiggle it, sir.
15:40I was just trying to relieve the usual itch.
15:43Hello.
15:44You look poorly.
15:47I'm the Queen of England.
15:48What's your name?
15:50Digby.
15:51Would you like my candy floss sticky?
15:53I'd like the stick.
15:55Shut up, Ginger!
15:56Are you sure it's not a cloud of poisonous gas sent by my nemesis to poison us both, Your Majesty?
16:03Silly.
16:04Arise, Sir Digby.
16:07Can I scratch my anus now, please, sir?
16:11You should get better.
16:12Go to a hospital.
16:14Now, put me down.
16:15I have to have dinner with fiancé.
16:17Of course.
16:18You're brilliant French double agent.
16:23Arrgh!
16:24Arrgh!
16:25My mouth is melting!
16:26Arrgh!
16:27Poisonous gas!
16:28Poisonous gas!
16:29Don't leave me, sir!
16:31Don't leave me, sir!
16:32Don't leave me, sir!
16:34Arrgh!
16:35Not much time!
16:36Must get to hospital!
16:38Need cover!
16:39Arrgh!
16:40Arrgh!
16:41The weed release!
16:42The weed release!
16:43Your Majesty!
16:44To the A&E!
16:45In a world spinning rapidly off its hinges on streets clattered with hood-wielding thugs handling disco biscuits and cheap fireworks, who is left to fight for honour, justice and enough loose change for a bottle of Happy Shopper Ouzo?
16:53Yes!
16:54It's the surprising adventures of me, sir!
16:55Big Chicken Caesar!
16:56Now, listen carefully, Ginger.
16:57The Queen was very specific.
16:58My nemesis has disguised his poisonous pink gas factory as a hospital, so as to pass off the poisonous gas as harmless, very powerful things.
17:03I'm not sure.
17:04I'm not sure.
17:05I'm not sure.
17:06I'm not sure.
17:07I'm not sure.
17:08I'm not sure.
17:09I'm not sure.
17:10I'm not sure.
17:11I'm not sure.
17:12I'm not sure.
17:13I'm not sure.
17:14I'm not sure.
17:15I'm not sure.
17:16I'm not sure.
17:17I'm not sure.
17:18I'm not sure.
17:19What is he talking about when she tells us to come here and steal all the pills?
17:20One of my nemesis is henchmen.
17:21Can I help you?
17:22My friend has been brutally stabbed.
17:23And who did that to you?
17:24Well, is that exactly what she said, sir?
17:26This woman, this small woman has given counsel to 11 prime ministers, not including myself.
17:33Well, you.
17:33I don't like to go all about it, so I think she knows what she's talking about when she tells us to come here and steal all the pills.
17:42One of my nemesis is henchmen.
17:44Can I help you?
17:45My friend here has been brutally stabbed.
17:47And who did that to you?
17:49Al Capone.
17:51Right, well, this is an orthopaedics ward.
17:53You need to go downstairs to casualty.
17:56For the queen!
18:00Great danger for the smack cabinet!
18:13How many harmless narcotics must Ginger and I consume before the empire is safe?
18:17What the hell happened to my guard from the home office?
18:19How much longer will Benji's remain the last sandwich shop not to have security men on the door, Sam?
18:24Find out in the next thrilling installment of The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!
18:33Environmental catastrophe of vast proportions.
18:35We asked the minister for shipping to comment on that story, but she just yawned.
18:38But who needs her when we've got you?
18:42What do you think about this issue?
18:44Do you have any thoughts?
18:45What are those thoughts?
18:47Will you tell us them?
18:48Any thoughts at all will do.
18:50If you have them, we want to hear them.
18:52Are you personally affected by this issue?
18:54Then email us.
18:55Or if you're not affected by this issue, can you imagine what it would be like if you were?
18:58Or if you already are affected by it, but don't want to talk about it, can you imagine what it would be like not to be affected by it?
19:04Why not email and tell us?
19:06Yes, why not?
19:07What possible reason could there be for you not to email us?
19:11Certainly ignorance shouldn't be a bar.
19:13You may not know anything about the issue, but I bet you reckon something.
19:17So why not tell us what you reckon?
19:21Let us enjoy the full majesty of your uninformed ad hoc reckon by going to bbc.co.uk slash me and my important thoughts, all one word,
19:30clicking on what I reckon, and then simply beating on the keyboard with your fists or head.
19:37Here's some of the feedback we've had so far.
19:40Andrew from Eastbourne reckons it's a sad indictment of the way we live.
19:43Matthew from Ilkley reckons it isn't.
19:45Patricia from Southampton wonders what Wordsworth would say and thinks she knows.
19:50And James from Amershon would like the fire brigade quickly, for God's sake, he's trapped, he's trapped.
19:57Thanks for those and keep those emails coming.
20:00It is for some reason apparently vital that you do.
20:04That was a wordy one.
20:07Yeah, very clever, clever.
20:10Good job we've got this bit.
20:12Just the two of us sitting on our massive balls.
20:16Farting.
20:18You're quite right.
20:20Yeah.
20:20Because it's nice to have a wordy sketch.
20:22Yeah, the failings of the IMF done as an opera, that kind of thing.
20:26Yeah.
20:27But then you need something like this to provide a bit of balance.
20:31It doesn't really go anywhere though, does it?
20:37No, and how do you end it?
20:40Well, I suppose the obvious ending would be just one really long and incredibly loud fart.
20:44OK.
20:45OK.
20:55So there are various roles which we're hoping to fill.
20:58I know you've been working jolly hard trying to come up with some suitable candidates.
21:01If we start with the accountancy position, because I think that's probably the most straightforward, what are your thoughts?
21:06Well, I have had a bit of an idea on this one.
21:08I think you'll be surprised, but hopefully as excited as I am.
21:11What do you reckon to Lindsay Davenport?
21:14Presumably not the tennis player.
21:15The former world number one, yes.
21:18Right.
21:18Um, what are her qualifications?
21:21Well, she's won three Grand Slams, an Olympic gold medal.
21:24She's been world number one for...
21:26In tennis?
21:27Yes, this is all in tennis.
21:28She's known by fans and fellow professionals alike as thoughtful and well-balanced.
21:33And she's the tallest woman ever to win a Grand Slam singles title.
21:37So, it's all good.
21:39Right, I just wonder, I mean, take me with you here, Greg.
21:42Um, in what way any of these things qualify her for an accountancy job?
21:46Are you really suggesting that working out your payroll is harder than winning Wimbledon?
21:51No, I'm saying it requires different skills.
21:54Dedication, determination, peak physical fitness, excellent ground strokes.
22:01I'm not sure we'd need those last two.
22:03Well, they couldn't do any harm.
22:04I mean, look at Sue Barker.
22:06What does that even mean?
22:09Well, she never really had the ground strokes.
22:12You're not convinced, I can tell.
22:15It was just an idea.
22:16Let's move on.
22:17Right, um, head of marketing.
22:18Ah, right, well, I think I'm actually going to surprise you again.
22:22You're not going to suggest another tennis player, are you?
22:24No, no, no, no, no.
22:25No, I was actually going to suggest the same tennis player, Lindsay Davenport.
22:29OK, I'm just not sure what she has to offer the world of business.
22:32Well, you say that, but she's actually recently been considered for a major accountancy post.
22:36Greg, I haven't got much time.
22:39Let's move on again.
22:39Now, the really important post, which we must fill, is Chief Operating Officer.
22:43Now, I'd like to hear what your suggestions for that are, but I'm going to ask you not to say Lindsay Davenport.
22:51OK, well, business is about thinking outside the box and not always working to the brief you've been given.
22:59So, I think I might be about to surprise you again when I say that I am going to say Lindsay Davenport.
23:06Now, I'll be honest with you, Tim.
23:08If you do go for Lindsay as Chief Operating Officer, there is one major drawback.
23:12Which is?
23:12It leaves you with a massive gap in accountancy and marketing.
23:15Greg, have you actually interviewed any serious candidates for any of the jobs I briefed you about?
23:21Well, to be honest with you, Tim, I was so impressed by the meeting I had with Lindsay Davenport that I pretty much called off the search.
23:28I mean, she is terrific.
23:31She's so tall.
23:33Have you actually got anyone else on your books at all?
23:36Oh, yes, yes, of course.
23:39There's, um, um, Alan, um, Davenport.
23:47Quite a coincidence.
23:48Yes, isn't it?
23:49No, no, I'm just going through the Ds.
23:51So, tell me about Alan.
23:53Well, he's tall, likes tennis, a bit of a womanly bearing, excellent ground strokes, known as Lindsay to his friends.
24:00Get out of there.
24:09What do you do that for?
24:15Er...
24:16Oh, yeah, hilarious, Gordon.
24:19Really funny.
24:29What do you do?
24:29Sprayed his pants with bubonic plague and put a cobra in his helmet.
24:34I was just signing a letter, and it struck me.
24:38I've never really thought much about my name before,
24:40but suddenly it was so obvious.
24:42What was?
24:43Surely you see it.
24:45David Mitchell.
24:47Mitchell.
24:49Mitchell, yes.
24:51Mitchell, or Myth Child.
24:55Myth Child?
24:57Yeah, Myth Child.
24:59David, the child of myth.
25:01Sort of like the messiah.
25:04You think you're the messiah?
25:06Well, you have to admit, the evidence is pretty compelling.
25:09You've gone mental again.
25:11The Myth Child forgives you.
25:14Tell me, James, what do they call you?
25:16James.
25:17And what is your surname, he who they call James?
25:20You know what my surname is.
25:23Bark man.
25:24Man who barks.
25:25Bark of tree and bark of dog.
25:28Trusty yet wooden.
25:29You travel with the Myth Child,
25:31with your gentle leaves and love of crisps.
25:35Woman, who are you?
25:37Oh, fuck off.
25:39Myth Child forgives you, Olivia Colman.
25:42Coal man.
25:43Man of coal.
25:44Man who delivers coal.
25:46May your carbon footprint not trample
25:48on the bark man's delicate wood.
25:51This is rude.
25:52Entangle me not, Webb.
25:54The Myth Child fears the gluey fronds of the spider.
25:58Well, you get the general idea.
26:00What do you reckon?
26:01What, as a way of being sort of all the time?
26:04Yeah.
26:05The Myth Child.
26:07Any good?
26:08I think I prefer you sort of normal.
26:11Normal?
26:12Stay normal?
26:13Good plan.
26:14Yeah.
26:14That's what I thought, probably.
26:17I really liked it.
26:22Business news now,
26:23and the Bank of England have announced interest rates
26:24are set to the right.
26:25I'm sorry, Paul,
26:26I'm going to have to interrupt you there.
26:27We're just getting reports
26:28of some astonishing breaking news.
26:30It appears that an invasion of the Earth
26:32by an unknown but vastly powerful
26:34extraterrestrial aggressor
26:36is underway.
26:37Details are sketchy,
26:39but reports are pouring in
26:40from across the world
26:41of vast, metallic, crab-like creatures
26:43laying waste to all they encounter.
26:46So, a massive and unstoppable alien attack
26:49threatens the Earth.
26:50What's your reaction?
26:51Are you affected by the end of civilisation
26:53as we know it?
26:53What's your perspective?
26:55Maybe you live on Earth
26:56or know someone who does.
26:57How do you feel about it?
26:58Email us with your thoughts
26:59on your imminent molecular evaporation
27:01at bbc.co.uk
27:03slash emergency apocalypse address
27:04all one word,
27:05and let us know.
27:06And already, this issue seems to be one
27:08that's provoked a lot of comment.
27:10Lucinda Richards from London asks,
27:12Will these so-called aliens
27:14be required to pay the congestion charge?
27:17Somehow, I think not.
27:19It's one rule for us
27:20and another rule for alien beings.
27:23And Gerard from Dover
27:24called our letterline number
27:26to say,
27:26As someone approaching my 80th birthday,
27:29I think I'm entitled to comment
27:30Twas ever thus.
27:31I can remember when a certain Mr. Hitler
27:34befought himself to overthrow this sceptered isle,
27:36and like him,
27:37I think these aliens might find
27:39that simple British folk
27:40are rather harder to conquer than...
27:42And then it just tails off into screams.
27:44A quick update for any of you
27:46for some reason more interested in the news
27:48than what some people you don't know
27:49think about the news,
27:50London has fallen to the aliens.
27:52But more importantly,
27:54I can also tell you
27:55that Sophie from Manchester says,
27:57Say what you like about the alien killer crabs,
27:59but by God,
28:00they can organise an invasion.
28:03We have a lot to learn from them,
28:05though we'd better be quick.
28:07And lastly, on a lighter note,
28:09Carl from Alendor writes,
28:10Where's Doctor Who when you need him?
28:13In fiction, I imagine.
28:16He's right there.
28:17Worse luck.
28:18Yes, indeed,
28:19because we're running out of time,
28:20both on the programme
28:21and just generally.
28:23My producer tells me
28:24that the giant alien crabs
28:25have breached TV Centre
28:26and will imminently vaporise us all.
28:28And remember,
28:29if you want to see that for yourself,
28:30why not log on
28:31to our behind-the-scenes webcam?
28:33Simply go to bbc.co.uk
28:35slash watch us fry,
28:37all one word,
28:38and click on...
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