- 1 week ago
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00:00After the day,
00:02watching a new video on the screen,
00:04we'll see you next time.
00:06The video is in the video.
00:08The video is done.
00:10This video is for you to be able to see the video.
00:12See, this video is done.
00:14It's a video.
00:16It's a video.
00:18It's a video.
00:20It's a video.
00:22It's a video.
00:24It's a video.
00:26It's a video.
00:28Right, down in one.
00:42I haven't really got the hang of this.
00:51Hey.
00:53You want to make a bit of money?
00:55You should do what I did.
00:57Get into farming.
01:00See this?
01:02I got this selling corn.
01:06It comes out of the fucking ground.
01:08I couldn't believe it.
01:27I've brought you some milk.
01:45But I don't like milk.
01:48Oh, you'll like this milk.
01:50I've prepared it specially.
01:54Oh, right.
01:56Hang on.
01:57You've poisoned this, you bastard.
02:00No, I haven't.
02:00Yes, you have.
02:01It's fizzing.
02:03Didn't think it would show in milk.
02:05Well, it does.
02:06Now, piss off.
02:08I've got flu.
02:08But slippers just aren't made of glass.
02:18Why's she got glass slippers?
02:19Well, she's the poor younger sister.
02:22She wants to look nice.
02:23I suppose she's overcompensating.
02:26What?
02:27So she's a bit tarty?
02:28Yeah, tarty, if you like.
02:30Yeah.
02:31So she's the young slapper sister who wins the prince?
02:35Yeah.
02:37I'm not sure if that sends out the right message.
02:39Well, it's the prince.
02:40It's the kind of thing he's into.
02:43But won't people feel a bit sorry for the older sisters?
02:46Mmm.
02:49I know.
02:50We'll make them ugly.
02:52Got it.
02:57Okay, tequilas.
02:58It's salt, down it, and then bite.
03:13Wow.
03:17Well, you've done a great job, Scott.
03:19This is just the kind of thing we need for the new range.
03:22Well, I was trying to go for simplicity at the same time as flair.
03:25Well, it certainly comes across.
03:28Yeah, there was just one thing.
03:29You've done us these lovely spoons here,
03:31this one and the slightly larger one.
03:34We just wondered whether you could do us a third one
03:36that was a bit bigger.
03:39Right.
03:40Yeah.
03:41You know, to complete the range.
03:43A larger spoon.
03:45Maybe for serving out vegetables or whatever.
03:49Oh, right, I see.
03:50Another spoon.
03:51Yeah, a larger one.
03:53Right.
03:55So...
03:56Do you see what I mean?
03:58Yeah, I get it.
04:00Absolutely.
04:06You see that?
04:08It's made of chicken.
04:10It's actually made of chicken.
04:12You kill it, you've got free chicken.
04:14You can sell it to people.
04:16Or don't kill it.
04:18Fucking eggs come out of their arses.
04:21Fucking hell.
04:22Is that the kind of thing you meant?
04:31Yeah, um...
04:32This is a new one.
04:35That's the one I've just done, yeah.
04:38It...
04:38I'll tell you what it is.
04:42That's great.
04:42But what we were thinking was a third spoon that was, you know, bigger.
04:54Bigger.
04:56Bigger than this one.
05:00Oh, bigger than this one?
05:02Yeah.
05:02Not bigger than this one?
05:04No.
05:04Well, yes.
05:06I mean...
05:06Bigger than both.
05:10I understand what you mean.
05:12Wouldn't you like a drink?
05:30No, look.
05:31We've been through this.
05:33Ah.
05:33But this time, you have a drink.
05:36And I have a drink.
05:38Yeah, but how do I know...
05:40Hang on.
05:42I'll have your drink.
05:43That's fine.
05:47You've got a revolving table.
05:49Yes.
05:49Now, you have my drink.
05:52And I...
05:53Brilliant.
06:03You've forgotten which one's poison now, haven't you?
06:08We'll have drinks later.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12LAUGHTER
06:14LAUGHTER
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19LAUGHTER
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20LAUGHTER
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Hi.
06:21I'm sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could make a little bit less noise.
06:26You know, have a bit less of an obviously good time.
06:30Sorry.
06:30It's just that it's upsetting my wife.
06:33See, we're sitting over there having quite a dull evening,
06:35and you laughing all the time is making it worse for her.
06:44Until last year, we were making thousands of Hyundai's here,
06:47but then the bloke from the Musée d'Orsay turns up
06:50and says what a wonderful space it would make for their new art collection.
06:54So that's it. We've got a close.
06:57That's 2,000 jobs gone in one go.
07:00You must be very angry.
07:02Well, yeah, it's terrible, really.
07:03I mean, you can see his point.
07:06It is a lovely space, but...
07:08And, of course, there will be a certain post-modern feel,
07:11what with it once having been a working car factory.
07:14But, yeah, it's very good there, actually.
07:18But, no, it's terrible what it will do to the local economy
07:21because, you know, cars have been made here.
07:22Actually, it's going to be spectacular, isn't it?
07:25It's going to be brilliant.
07:28God, what fucking Louise Bourgeois couldn't do with a space like this?
07:33I can just imagine one of Damien Hirst's, you know,
07:36big fit of shark things there.
07:39And then you might put some wheels on it, you know,
07:41to signify he used to make cars here.
07:44I mean, you might not want to.
07:45I mean, it's very much up to him.
07:46He's the artist.
07:48You know, that will probably have to go.
07:50Actually, that looks quite...
07:51Ah, the new spoon. Great.
07:57That's more what you meant, isn't it?
07:59Yeah, er... oh.
08:02Now, that's great, Scott,
08:03but what I was really thinking
08:05was a spoon like the one you've done for us here,
08:08but bigger.
08:11Right.
08:12Does that make any sense?
08:14Um, I think I know what you mean.
08:17Terrific.
08:18Actually, to be honest, I'm still not 100% sure.
08:23Sorry, I'm explaining this very badly.
08:26What we want is a spoon...
08:28like this one...
08:31but bigger...
08:33than this one.
08:37Bigger? Yeah. No.
08:40Let me... hang on, I'll get a piece of paper.
08:42I mean, obviously, I'm no artist,
08:46but if that's the smaller spoon
08:49and that's the other one,
08:55then what we're looking for
08:57is a third spoon like...
09:01Oh, hang on, I haven't quite got that right.
09:03Um, what we want is...
09:06it's sort of...
09:07bigger, like...
09:09I can see what the trouble's been now.
09:12It's tricky, isn't it?
09:16All right, down in one,
09:17then glass on your head, OK?
09:19Three, two, one...
09:21I'm... I finished.
09:40Oh, I finished.
09:42can you stop that sorry where'd you get all this stuff from all of a sudden look i've brought you
10:06some cakes why have you brought me some cakes you don't like me you're obviously trying to poison me
10:13no but look i'm eating one of them
10:17mmm cake you didn't take a bite all right
10:36now why don't you try one
10:55get out
10:58I'm really sorry to trouble you again but i noticed it was you who put this song on the
11:20jukebox right well i mean obviously it's a bit late now but um i wonder could you not put it on again
11:27um because it makes my wife very unhappy um i mean obviously you want to know but it reminds her
11:33of a very violent time in her past
11:36i thought you might like an injection
11:43okay terry our team's been hard at it for two days now it's the moment of truth
11:52open your eyes
11:59open your eyes
12:14open your eyes
12:26open your eyes
12:28um i
12:29don't really like it
12:31open your eyes
12:35it's just
12:36it's not really me
12:38all that
12:40I shouldn't really. It's so Moorish, isn't it?
12:50Tell me about it.
12:56Alright, you seem to have all the answers. How's he going to blow down the brick house?
13:01He's blown down the house of straw and the wood one, the shed, but I just don't think people will believe that he'd blow down the brick one.
13:10Hmm, okay. Well, maybe he doesn't.
13:13What do you mean he doesn't?
13:15Maybe we've been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it's not about the wolf. Maybe it's about the pigs.
13:27You know, sheep. A bit woolly.
13:32It's wool! Pull it off, sell it, fucking grows back again.
13:38You cannot lose!
13:44Oh, I'm terrible. Now that is my last. Take it away from me before I have the lot.
13:50Oh, go on. It's Christmas.
13:54Alright then. I shouldn't really. It's terribly bad for me.
13:58And now, without further ado, I should hand you over to the man who will be giving out the prizes this afternoon.
14:08Pretty much our only famous alumnus.
14:10He was here from 1973 to 1978, but of course, we all know him from our television screens.
14:18Please welcome star of When the Cows Come Home, Jason Conway.
14:32Of course, you realise very quickly that they're ordinary people, just like you and me.
14:37Oh, yes, I'm sure.
14:38Good Lord. Is that...
14:41Now, what was her name? She used to teach me maths.
14:45Miss... Miss Burrell. Is that right?
14:47That's right. Our longest-serving member of staff.
14:51Wow. I remember when I was in her maths class, I could never get my seven times table right.
14:57I was all right on all the others, but whenever she tested us on the sevens, I'd always get nought out of twelve.
15:03I remember she made a little joke about it on my end-of-term report.
15:08I really must go and say hello. Could you hold that for a moment?
15:19Take that, you bitch!
15:21What a five fucking sevens, eh?
15:24What a fucking fucking sevens!
15:26You got smaller! You got smaller!
15:29What a seven-sevins, eh?
15:31Hi, it's me again.
15:35Listen, I don't mean to be a pain, but you are all rather nursing your drinks.
15:40What?
15:41Well, I was just wondering if you could get them down you a bit faster,
15:44because, well, my wife is quite a heavy drinker,
15:48and it makes her feel bad that she's knocking them back two to your one.
15:54Thanks.
15:54All of which means we're no closer to stopping the effect of the virus on the immune system.
16:03What we need is a deadline.
16:21Right, Jeff has now got AIDS,
16:24so now we have to find a cure.
16:27Thanks, Jeff.
16:28All right, Vice-Chancellor, no saucy moves and you won't get hurt.
16:45Where do you keep your robes?
16:47In the safe, through the door keys.
16:48Hopefully a Jim Jams, Vice-Chancellor.
17:02You can have anything you want.
17:03Just don't hurt my family.
17:05You can have a first.
17:06Nothing flashy, you tart.
17:08I want a 2-1 in classical civilisation.
17:10And I want something more vocational.
17:12Do the Latin!
17:17I've got knock-down joint honour from Aberystwyth.
17:20Nothing flashy.
17:21Gets you on the management course.
17:23This is Danny.
17:24He always had a better idea than working for a living.
17:27He knocks off dodgy qualifications
17:29round the back of the University of North London.
17:32That used to be a poly.
17:33Danny!
17:35Move it, it's you, cat!
17:36This is his mate, Lenny.
17:45Not too bright, but he's got an honorary doctorate
17:48from the University of Vancouver.
17:51Don't ask him where he got it, though.
17:58Leave it, Lenny!
17:59The only city in guild!
18:01Trouble is, it's all very well holding up a comprehensive
18:04for a bunch of GCSEs.
18:06But sooner or later,
18:07you're going to get a little bit greedy.
18:11Odio!
18:12Echo!
18:13Teyvoko!
18:15Baccalaureum!
18:16And when that happens,
18:17you might just find you've bitten off more
18:19than you can chew.
18:28Fucking hell!
18:29This is a PhD in political science
18:32from Trinity College, Dublin!
18:33How the hell are we going to fence that?
18:37From the director of Vagina,
18:39the greatest heist movie since educating Rita.
18:43Ons, dons and two smoking M.A. oxons.
18:46Oh, hi, Tom.
18:53Come on in.
18:57Help yourself to smack.
19:00Oh, I shouldn't really.
19:01Oh, please.
19:02Go and help us out.
19:03It's always like this after Christmas.
19:05Yeah, go ahead.
19:06Otherwise, we'll just have the lot.
19:08Yeah, it'll go straight to my bum.
19:11Really?
19:12Yeah, and it's shut for three weeks.
19:16So where are the sweets?
19:17They're part of the house.
19:18So they're in the house.
19:20But you said they had sweets.
19:21They do.
19:21They're there eating sweets.
19:23I'm sorry,
19:24I don't understand where they got the sweets from.
19:25The house.
19:26So what happens is...
19:28Where in the house?
19:28Where are the sweets in the house?
19:30The sweets aren't in the house.
19:32So where...
19:33The house is made of sweets.
19:35That's the whole point.
19:37The house is made of sweets?
19:39Yes.
19:40Right.
19:41So they eat the house?
19:42Well, part of it, yes.
19:43They don't eat the whole house.
19:45They couldn't eat the whole house.
19:46And they don't.
19:47What, so they pick bits off?
19:49Yeah.
19:50What, like doorknobs?
19:52Doorknobs,
19:52or they might peel off a bit of dado rail.
19:55The point is...
19:56So what's the dado rail made of?
19:57I don't know.
20:00Tapioca.
20:01I just don't think people are going to accept
20:04a dado rail made of tapioca.
20:09Brilliant.
20:11Don't even need an alarm clock.
20:16Unbelievable.
20:20It's only five in the morning,
20:22and I'm right where I work.
20:23And while the other poor sod's struggling in on the tube,
20:33I'm going to go and get some milk out of a cow,
20:36who's a jammy bastard.
20:42Look at all this milk.
20:44I'm going to make a fucking fortune.
20:47And then she came along.
20:50She was, you know, a bit more like that.
20:52So it was a bit of a three-way tussle.
20:55Hello.
20:55You, sir.
20:56You.
20:56I wonder if you could, um,
20:58screw your face up a bit,
21:00or just do something to make yourself less attractive.
21:04Um...
21:04It's because I think my wife fancies you.
21:08I think she's hot for you.
21:10And so I want you to put her off.
21:13You see...
21:13I'm afraid of losing her.
21:16Where are you going to look?
21:17In a number of times.
21:18Oh, she's gone.
21:20So if you could just...
21:21Come on.
21:23Come on.
21:23Come on.
21:24Come on.
21:24Come on.
21:25Come on.
21:25Come on.
21:26Come on.
21:26Come on.
21:27Come on.
21:28Come on.
21:28Come on.
21:29Here's the film.
21:41You've got everything?
21:43Yes, I got shots of all the plans for the submarine.
21:48Well done.
21:49There is just one.
21:50Yeah.
21:53I...
21:53Um...
21:55It was a very tense mission.
21:57And I got a bit drunk at the end to celebrate.
22:02So there might be one photo.
22:06Maybe just a couple.
22:09Of my arse.
22:13Right.
22:14So just ignore them.
22:17They're not part of it, obviously.
22:22Right.
22:23So...
22:24So...
22:25If you see an arse...
22:27That's just...
22:29My...
22:30Arse.
22:33Sorry.
22:54Well, this is all very civilized.
23:07Well, this is all very civilized.
23:24Well...
23:27Well let's just...
23:28keep Frank...
23:36Well...
23:41See you guys...
23:44I think you are quitehuman.
23:46Anyway...
23:47There's a little bit of a fool around.
23:48Here you go.
23:50I've learned that Krishnaji isn't.
23:50I've learned that Krishnaji isn't!
23:51But you're curious...
23:51I know...
23:52Where are you?
23:52In fact...
23:53Somebody, Whoa, gone.
23:53Did not crash!
23:53I thought...
23:53Certainly...
23:53So I thought...
23:54Oh
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