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00:00Which leads us to the unfortunate conclusion
00:23that this latest murder was also the work of the so-called identity killer.
00:27Now, Inspector Danvers will take your questions.
00:31How can you be sure this is the identity killer's handiwork?
00:34Well, because as with his previous victims,
00:36he's left at the scene of the crime details of his identity.
00:40So the killer has a calling card?
00:41I suppose you could say that, yes.
00:42What is it?
00:43Well, on this occasion, it was a calling card.
00:47On previous occasions, he's been known to leave his birth certificate,
00:51the address of his MySpace page,
00:53and on one occasion, a series of unconnected numbers
00:56next to the three-letter word mob.
00:59So, er, we're looking into the possibility
01:02that there may be connections with organised crime.
01:10So, what have we got?
01:12Nothing, sir.
01:13Pauline's left this time as a passport-sized photograph
01:15and two recent utility bills.
01:16Oh, my God, sir, look at that.
01:25Oh, no.
01:27What a waste.
01:30Come and have a look at this, Sarge.
01:33Well, it's still running, sir.
01:34Should we have a look at the tape?
01:36Oh, what?
01:36So, we're sitting around looking at footage of
01:39Mr Eric Hale flat 2 adding some buildings,
01:42Swindon merging a man,
01:43and, meanwhile, the identity killer could strike again.
01:47Now, at this point,
01:49all we can do is just wait for him to make a mistake.
01:52Ah!
01:56Morning, sir.
01:57I don't think they're very well, Mum.
02:10It's their heli vets!
02:14Airboard men with their presents
02:18Here they come, the heli vets!
02:23We're the heli vets!
02:27Where's the petal pets in peril?
02:31Who's the concerned owner or owners?
02:33We both are.
02:34Don't worry, young lady and old lady.
02:36We'll soon have your fish or fishes
02:38swimming around the plastic weave
02:39and under the tiny bridge again.
02:41They're dead.
02:42Wiggling in the gravel.
02:43They're dead.
02:44Sucking out the mermaid.
02:45Look.
02:47We can help him.
02:48We can't.
02:49We're the heli vets!
03:04The heli vets!
03:08Thanks for doing this, guys.
03:10I'm really crazy about Jill.
03:11No problem, Liam.
03:12We enjoy playing matchmaker.
03:14Yeah, don't you worry about a thing.
03:15This whole evening has been set up to make you look good.
03:18You're going to shine in comparison to the other guests.
03:20So who else is coming?
03:22Well, there's Dave.
03:25Great.
03:25No problems there.
03:27Well, that'll be Jill.
03:28Do I look OK?
03:29Yeah, that shirt really suits you.
03:32Everyone, this is Jill.
03:33Hi, hi.
03:34Oh, hello.
03:36Hi.
03:37Hi.
03:38Well, let's sit down.
03:41Oh, is someone else joining us?
03:43Oh, just Scarecrow.
03:44He's an old friend of Tara's from back home.
03:46He's just upstairs.
03:47We'll be down in a second.
03:54Come on, Scarecrow.
03:56We're going to start without you.
04:00Sorry.
04:01I was just admiring your Kandinsky prints upstairs.
04:03Oh, I love his work.
04:06I was lucky enough to catch a retrospective in Barcelona.
04:10It was stunning.
04:11Really?
04:12Oh, I'm Jill, by the way.
04:14Hi.
04:15I'm Scarecrow.
04:17What a fascinating name.
04:19Steve, can I have a word with you in the kitchen?
04:21Oh, yeah.
04:28What is it?
04:29Who the hell is he?
04:30He's Scarecrow.
04:31Tara knows him.
04:31Why do you have to invite him?
04:33He's charming.
04:33The pants off her.
04:34Well, get in there and compete.
04:35He's just a Scarecrow.
04:37Yeah, but he's really smooth.
04:39I think she likes him.
04:40Liam, if you can't do better than a man with a family of rats living in his torso,
04:44then there's no hope for you with any woman.
04:46Yeah, all right.
04:47You're right.
04:48OK.
04:51Oh, there's something stuck in my jacket.
04:58More wine, Jill?
05:00Yeah, thanks.
05:00Yeah, thanks.
05:01Um, you know, I used to be really scared of birds.
05:05Oh, don't worry.
05:06I'll look after you.
05:08Oh, you're a hero.
05:09So, uh, Scarecrow, tell me, how much does scaring crows pay?
05:14I only ask because I'm a senior marketing executive and I'm on about 70k.
05:19I just wondered how Scarecrowing compares.
05:21Oh, how can you put a price on the view of the valley and the soft morning breezes and watching the gentle rains sweeping across the landscape
05:33as the tender corn heads brush sensuously at your side and the nights, oh, the nights of countless stars and the soul just ascends.
05:47Oh, God, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
05:54What were you thinking?
05:55I'm getting whipped out there.
05:56Well, stop wasting time and get in the game.
05:59Look, Jill likes skiing, so when you get the chance, use that as an opening.
06:04All right.
06:06Well, there are two types of Scarecrow.
06:08There are the ordinary Scarecrows and then there's the enchanted kind.
06:14He's enchanted.
06:15That's fascinating.
06:19So, what's the difference?
06:20Well, an enchanted Scarecrow can walk and talk.
06:23Oh, and you can do that thing with the moon and the poetry.
06:25Oh, come on.
06:27Don't make me do that.
06:28What thing?
06:29It's nothing.
06:30Do you scare at all, Jill?
06:31No, thanks.
06:32I'm fine.
06:32What's this thing you do?
06:33I'm fascinated.
06:35Oh, go on, do it, Scarecrow.
06:37Oh, all right.
06:40This is from my book, The Night Watchman.
06:42You're a published poet.
06:44It's only a slim volume.
06:47And do the moon thing, too.
06:49Okay, okay.
06:52Sister moon, shine down your gentle benevolence upon us.
06:56Oh, that's amazing.
07:02How did you do that?
07:04Enchanted.
07:06Well, all I can say is, me too.
07:08And as the sun rose on the clean new day, none knew the night watchman had passed this
07:18way.
07:19That's just beautiful.
07:25I wish I could see the valley at night.
07:27Well, it's only half an hour away.
07:28We could all go now.
07:30I've got my BMW outside.
07:33No, thanks.
07:34I think I might just get an early night.
07:35I'll, uh, grab my bag.
07:44Thanks so much for setting this up, guys.
07:46I fancied her for ages.
07:48No problem, Scarecrow.
07:49And great choice with the other guy.
07:51What a tosser.
07:52Come on, Scarecrow.
07:53Let's go.
07:54Go on.
07:55Don't keep the lady waiting.
07:56Thanks again.
07:57Cheers, Dave.
07:58All right.
08:00See you later, Scarecrow.
08:03So, let's go through it one last time.
08:06All we've got is a name, an address, an occupation, a phone number, a modus operandi, motive, opportunity,
08:13a confession, and him in the room.
08:15Aye.
08:18So, I ask you all, where the hell do we go from here?
08:24We could try arresting him, boss.
08:25Or is that just what he wants us to do?
08:29No, it isn't.
08:32Or is that just what he wants us to think?
08:35Look, I'm just gonna go.
08:40He's always that one step ahead of us.
08:45And then on the Wednesday, Dan, it's the bath scene, Dan.
08:50Now, we've talked about this, haven't we?
08:52You're fine with the nudity, aren't you, Dan?
08:54Yeah, absolutely fine, yeah.
08:56I mean, people don't have baths with their pants on, right?
08:59Oh, exactly.
09:03I will be asking you to take your pants off while I'm there.
09:08Fine.
09:09I think it's important to the realism of the film.
09:13Yeah.
09:13Realism.
09:14And it'll be a close set, won't it?
09:17I mean, you know, I don't really want there to be too many people kind of hanging around
09:21while I'm, you know...
09:23While you're taking off all your clothes to be filmed.
09:28Yeah.
09:29Leave that to me, Dan.
09:31It'll just be like me and the cameraman.
09:33It'll be like that.
09:34Yes, you and the cameraman.
09:36And me, of course.
09:38Well, can't do a scene without the director.
09:40Not this scene.
09:42And the sound man and four or five electricians to make sure you're lit nicely.
09:47And the continuity lady.
09:48And the make-up lady.
09:50And her assistant.
09:50And the work experience girl.
09:53Right.
09:53But basically...
09:54But no need for the costume department.
09:57Because you won't have a costume on.
10:01You'll be bad.
10:04Right.
10:04No, of course they won't be there.
10:06Yeah.
10:08So basically you'll be on your own.
10:10I mean, obviously.
10:11The props people and the designer need to be there.
10:14And I think that's the day the producer's bringing his wife and three teenage daughters.
10:19But...
10:20Right.
10:22But, I mean, it'll all be shot tastefully, won't it?
10:24I mean, obviously I'll be naked.
10:26But you won't actually see my penis.
10:29I'll see your penis, Dan.
10:32I'll see it a load.
10:34Yeah, but sure.
10:35But, I mean, you won't actually be filming my penis.
10:38Well, there are no guarantees in this business, Dan.
10:41But if there's one thing I can say, it's that I'll try and avoid being very unsurprised
10:47if your penis doesn't not get filmed and put on general release up and down the land.
10:52Oh.
10:53Well, that's relief.
10:57Three life sentences.
11:00A spokesman said, you think you know a guy, and then he goes and does something like that.
11:05I'll see you next time.
11:07I'll see you next time.
11:08Foreign news now, and at a special session of the United Nations, it was agreed that the war on terror is, in the words of a new resolution, just too difficult.
11:16Instead, the Security Council has agreed to launch a war on the comedian and ornithologist Bill Oddy.
11:23As a way of bringing the nations of the world together in a more achievable common cause.
11:30Matt Long has this.
11:32It took them a little over six hours, but finally they came up with a name that suited all parties.
11:37We must join together in the face of this new menace.
11:40There can be no peace in the world until Bill Oddy is hunted down and completely destroyed.
11:50Well, it's a challenging new world that we live in, and in that world, it had become increasingly clear that the need to confront Bill Oddy had been growing.
12:01It was only a matter of years before he developed a nuclear capacity, probably.
12:07For all we know, he already had a dirty bomb, and he meant to use it on the tube tomorrow, for all we know.
12:13So that's why every army and intelligence agency is going to be out looking for him.
12:18Has he been notified?
12:19He has been notified.
12:21And how did he react?
12:22Well, how do you think? I'd say he's pretty much crapped himself.
12:25But, you know, we're going to be giving him 48 hours head start to make it interesting, and be in no doubt.
12:33We are going to take him down. We're going to take him down hard, and he needn't think he's going to get away with it this time.
12:40What if he seeks refuge with jihadi terrorists in Iraq or Pakistan?
12:45Oh, God, he won't do that, will he?
12:50Is it true you're not wearing any underpants, Dan?
12:53Yes.
12:54Blimey.
12:55So, how's the list of the filming going?
12:57The rest of... Oh, fine, Dan. We're all pleased with all the rest of the filming.
13:02I hope this bath isn't too cold.
13:04Well, that's what I meant to talk to you about, Dan.
13:10I thought that rather than your character getting into a bath, what would be better is that if your character was still naked,
13:22but instead of getting into a bath, getting tied to the wheel of doom, which is then revolved.
13:31What? Why the change?
13:32We just thought it was more visually interesting.
13:35Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.
13:39Um, who are all these people?
13:42Just some random people.
13:45Right.
13:46So we're a little bit pushed for time, Dan.
13:48So, if you could just slip out of your dressing gown and get yourself tied to the wheel of doom,
13:53we'll start filming.
13:54Oh, OK.
14:04Um, Kevin, you are just filming me from here up, yeah?
14:12Absolutely, Dan.
14:14Don't you worry.
14:16Oh, OK.
14:18OK.
14:24Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear whores, happy birthday to you.
14:32Nothing.
14:35Anyway, happy birthday, whores.
14:37Uh, carrot cake?
14:40Sorry.
14:40Thought you'd like it.
14:42Well, at least, um, blow out the candles.
14:45No?
14:46Right.
14:46Of course not.
14:48Too much, like, hard work.
14:50Right.
14:50I'll do it.
14:51You see?
14:57They're trick candles.
14:58You can't blow them out.
15:01Would have been more fun if you had a go, but, uh, still.
15:05Never mind.
15:08Speech!
15:09Speech!
15:10Speech!
15:11Speech!
15:13Speech!
15:15Speech!
15:17Speech!
15:18Speech!
15:20Speech!
15:20Speech!
15:21Speech!
15:21Speech!
15:22Speech!
15:23Like, forget it!
15:24Forget it!
15:25We are finished!
15:27We're through!
15:28This is it, horse.
15:29No more pissing around!
15:31I'm trying to make some kind of gesture, and you just stand there!
15:35Well, that's it!
15:37It was my birthday last week.
15:40Thanks for remembering.
15:41Hi, Ray!
15:49Morning, Colin.
15:50And before you say another word, of course I've noticed all the football stuff.
15:54Oh, right, yeah, of course.
15:55You're a Spurs fan, aren't you?
15:57Well, my family are.
15:58I'm not really into football.
15:59As I said last time, you suddenly remembered you were a massive Liverpool fan, 20 seconds after
16:04they'd won the European Cup.
16:05Spurs, eh?
16:07Well, I'm going to let you off after what we did to you last week.
16:10I'm sorry?
16:12I said I'll forget that you're a Spurs fan after what we did to you.
16:15What?
16:15What you did to me?
16:16You didn't do anything to me!
16:18We're a man down, you fluke a penalty, but we wallop you with two in extra time.
16:22That 92nd minute, mate, oh, you had it coming.
16:25Perhaps you've mistaken me for a professional goalkeeper or something, but I wasn't actually
16:29on the pitch, you know.
16:30We're going to trolley you in the league.
16:32We?
16:33We?
16:33You weren't on the pitch either.
16:34As far as I know, you were in the back bar of the red line watching a game on the television
16:38with your mother.
16:40God, she can drink these days.
16:42I'm telling you, Ray, the way we're playing, we're going to be unstoppable this season.
16:45For God's sake, shut up!
16:4712 points ahead with a game in hand.
16:49You don't stand a chance.
16:50We've got it in us to go all the way.
16:53Can I ask you a question?
16:55Colin.
16:56Do you remember when we were chasing the Germans and we were punched through the windscreen,
17:02but then we fell under that lorry, but climbed back onto it and beat the driver up?
17:05What?
17:06When we were chasing the Nazis.
17:08They'd stolen the Ark of the Covenant and we were trying to get it back.
17:11You've lost me.
17:12In Raiders of the Lost Ark.
17:14It's a film I like, so I've decided that myself and anyone else who likes it was actually
17:19in it, taking part.
17:21Do you like Raiders of the Lost Ark?
17:23Not particularly.
17:24Oh, you're not one of us.
17:26Right, well, at the end, we're tied to a stake stuck in the ground and then you lot open
17:30up the Ark of the Covenant and the wrath of God melts your face.
17:34No, you can't do that.
17:36Yes, I can.
17:37I really like that film, so I'm in it.
17:39That's not the same.
17:42It's exactly the same.
17:43I've as much claimed to be personally involved in Raiders of the Lost Ark as you've got to
17:47be in whatever it was your football team did last week.
17:50You don't understand football.
17:52Well, I'll admit, I don't quite follow how you, a man who lives over 200 miles away from
17:56the home ground of your chosen team can claim some deep attachment to a bunch of overpaid
18:01hired hands from all four corners of the globe who temporarily wear the same coloured shirt
18:06as you're currently wearing.
18:07But then maybe I'm a bit slow.
18:10It must be brain damage from all that boxing I did in Raging Bull.
18:13How much is this, mate?
18:25That's fiver, mate.
18:26Five pounds?
18:27Well, it is the Holy Grail.
18:28Fiver.
18:29Take it or leave it.
18:30Sorry, did you say that this was the Holy Grail?
18:32Yes, mate.
18:33Holy Grail.
18:33Cup of Christ.
18:34Fiver.
18:36All right, so here we are.
18:36My Little Pony.
18:3750p.
18:38This is the Holy Grail?
18:40Yes, mate.
18:41It's a cup Jesus used at last supper.
18:43I have a drink from it.
18:43You become immortal.
18:44I've got a box somewhere.
18:45Fiver.
18:47Right.
18:47And that works, does it?
18:49Oh, yeah.
18:50Yeah, I'm immortal.
18:51Yeah, it's great.
18:52I mean, obviously, if you're a depressive personality, it's not such a good idea.
18:55But if you basically love life, then it's wicked.
18:58All the videos are 50p, mate.
19:00Can I see it working?
19:01What?
19:02Well, it's just I bought a stereo over there last week and that didn't work, so...
19:05Oh, honestly.
19:06There's no trust anymore, is there?
19:13I don't feel any different.
19:19Excuse me, mate.
19:21Ah!
19:24Brilliant.
19:26Will you take four?
19:28Go on, then.
19:32Hang on, though.
19:33I'm immortal anyway now.
19:34I don't need it.
19:35No, mate, that'll wear off.
19:37Immortality that wears off?
19:39We've all got immortality that wears off.
19:41That's just mortality.
19:43Actually, that's a good point.
19:44I think I'll keep it.
19:47That bayonet's 20 quid, unless you want me to pull it out.
19:52Cheers.
19:53Thanks, Kate.
20:01It's a bit wacky, isn't it?
20:02No, it's all right, it's meant to be.
20:04It's for the man with a wig sketch.
20:06When I take it off, I've got this one on underneath.
20:08Oh, right.
20:11I haven't got to wear a bald cap as well, have I?
20:13Afraid so.
20:14Kate, can I have a quick word?
20:18Are you going to let her do it, then?
20:20I don't know what you mean.
20:21You do know what I mean?
20:23You're going to let her put a wig over a wig over a bald cap over your wig?
20:27Shh!
20:28Shut up!
20:29You're going to be about eight foot tall.
20:31Rob!
20:31Thank God the character isn't a judge.
20:33Rob!
20:33Just tell her, David.
20:34Tell her about your wig.
20:35She'll understand.
20:37Rob, there was a very clearly defined window of opportunity for telling her about my wig.
20:41And it was the first day of shooting on the first series.
20:44As you know, I did not take that opportunity.
20:47And now, after two series of letting her put wigs over my wig,
20:51that horse has considerably bolted.
20:53You don't think she knows?
20:55She's a professional makeup artist, David.
20:57She's just spent eight weeks working with your hair.
20:59She's going to know.
21:00Yes, I think she probably does know.
21:02I think the whole crew probably knows.
21:03And I think they probably laugh about me constantly behind my back.
21:07Which means that the only achievable goal that I have left
21:10is to keep that laughter behind my back
21:12and stop it from spilling over into in front of my face,
21:15which is what your telling her plan would achieve.
21:18So just drop it, all right?
21:20All right.
21:21So I spoke.
21:25Rob, get that back now!
21:28Come again, come again!
21:33I just thought I'd pop it on myself.
21:38Easier than you'd think, isn't it?
21:39Hello, and you're watching Numberwang Night here on BBC Two.
21:49Coming up in an hour, Wangs for the Memory,
21:52where we'll be discussing how Numberwang has been used to combat dementia.
21:56But first, a history of Numberwang.
21:59I'm standing on hallowed ground.
22:03This is the famous Numberwang basement at the BBC.
22:07In that corner was the great Alan Turing's desk,
22:12where he sat for many months after the Second World War,
22:16tragically trying to de-gay himself with a laser.
22:20In more tolerant times, it was just over there in the late 1960s
22:25where David Frost reputedly had sex with the Number 11 on a mattress.
22:31He swears to this day that it was 16.
22:33And, of course, as you all know,
22:37this is the home of Colosson,
22:39the Numberwang computer,
22:41which calculates whether or not it is Numberwang.
22:45That's Numberwang!
22:488 minus 4.
22:49That's Numberwang, Simon.
22:51109 times 17.
22:52That's Numberwang, Julie.
22:5447.
22:55That's the Numberwang bonus.
22:57Today, Numberwang is a vast global franchise
22:59like McDonald's, U2, and the Catholic Church all rolled into one.
23:04But few would guess that it came from the relatively humble beginnings
23:07of not yet existing.
23:10All that changed in 1936 here at Cambridge University,
23:14where philosopher and logician Bertrand Russell
23:16was contemplating the mysteries of existence.
23:18I had spent the morning proving to myself
23:23that my chair existed so that I could sit down
23:26when it suddenly struck me.
23:31How do we really know whether it is or it is not
23:34Numberwang?
23:37On my desk, I saw a jug,
23:39and in a flash of inspiration, I knew I had solved it.
23:42Smashing the jug, lest anyone copy my work,
23:44I went across to the rooms of my very good friend, Wittgenstein.
23:48I opened the door, and I said to him, quite simply,
23:51that's Numberwang.
23:55As I remember, he cried.
24:04After the publication of Russell's 1,400-page treatise,
24:07It is Numberwang,
24:08it was quickly optioned by the BBC
24:11and turned into a game show.
24:13Good evening.
24:14And welcome to a new piece of the endlessness,
24:16which we're calling Numberwang.
24:18However, due to the incredible complexity
24:21of the mathematics involved,
24:22it proved impractical.
24:24Miss Julie?
24:25Seven.
24:27We'll just have to check that with the boffins.
24:30What's that, Numberwang?
24:32It'll take a few hours, I'm afraid.
24:34Well, in the meantime, some music.
24:37Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
24:43Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
24:44Unfortunately, the war intervened, and at Bletchley Park,
24:47a tremendous discovery was invented,
24:50and simultaneously, a tremendous invention discovered.
24:53It's now or never, Tom. Run the sequence.
24:55Right-o.
24:57Four, eight, fifteen, one hundred and sixty-two, three thousand four hundred and twenty.
25:09That's number-wang!
25:11Good God, it actually works.
25:13It actually bloody works, you genius.
25:16I say, chaps, you don't suppose we could use this machine for anything else, do you?
25:20Like what?
25:21I don't know. Um, something to help with the war or something.
25:29And so Colosson was born.
25:32After the war, Colosson's creators supervised the fitting of head, arms, legs, and laser cannons
25:39in order to transport it to the BBC, where in 1949, number-wang returned triumphantly to
25:46our screens.
25:47Ah, hello, hello. Welcome to number-wang with me, Robert Robinson, and the world's first commercial
25:54number-wang-solving computer, Colosson.
25:56I am Colosson.
25:59Indeed you are.
26:00Round one.
26:01Miss Julie to play first.
26:02Seven.
26:03Could it be number-wang, Colosson?
26:07No.
26:09Ah, would that it were number-wang.
26:11Alas, it is not.
26:12Mr. Simon?
26:13Number-wang quickly became the most popular game in Britain, and newspapers got in on
26:19the act by publishing daily number-wang puzzles for their readers.
26:25Oh, it's a tough one today.
26:27Yeah, it's tricky.
26:28That's number-wang!
26:30Oh, damn it, Reg always gets it first.
26:33And number-wang continued to grow in popularity despite a brief period in the 1960s when Colosson
26:38attempted to take over the world.
26:41Round two.
26:41Fish numbers.
26:42Julie?
26:44Eleven.
26:45Let's ask Colosson.
26:47Where's he gone?
26:48Oh, my God!
26:49Colosson's loose!
26:53I am Colosson.
26:55I am number-wang.
26:57The world is number-wang.
26:58Therefore, I am the world.
26:59You must all die!
27:03Luckily, Colosson's designers had foreseen this eventuality and built in a fail-safe whereby
27:09Colosson would shut down if he was shown a picture of a chicken.
27:13I am Colosson.
27:15I am number-wang.
27:16The world is number-wang.
27:17I am Mary.
27:18And so, with Colosson back under control, number-wang established itself as the best program ever made and spawned numerous versions across the globe in countries like Australia, such as New Zealand.
27:39And it's number-wang.
27:40Australia itself.
27:42Oh, mate, that's number-wang.
27:45And even America.
27:47Yes, that is a number.
27:49Which is why today, wherever you go in the world, you'll always hear people say, take it away, Colosson.
28:00Oh, my God!
28:01Colosson's escaped!
28:03He's loose!
28:04That's my picture of a chicken.
28:05Oh, my God!
28:06Where is it?
28:07What?
28:07That's great work!
28:13You are not number-wang.
28:15You must die.
28:16Television is not number-wang.
28:20Television must die.
28:21Television must die.
28:46Television must die.
28:59You
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