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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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00:00Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back.
00:12Why, oh why, had she opened that tomb?
00:15The sand turned red.
00:17This was because she was bleeding on it.
00:20Blood. Ruby red blood. Her blood. Blood.
00:25And piss and shit.
00:27This was the worst day of her life.
00:30This was the worst day of her life.
00:33Welcome, friend.
00:35You know, a lot of people say, Garth Marenghi.
00:39Isn't he the guy who writes all that horror crap?
00:41Well, good luck to you, you're an idiot.
00:43Because my books always say something.
00:46Even if it's just something simple like,
00:48don't genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men.
00:51There's always a message or a theme.
00:54When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Dark Place back in the 1980s,
00:59I gave every episode a theme.
01:01Even when we were running out of time where I was really tired.
01:05However, one theme proved so controversial, so dangerous, so radical,
01:11the theme's prejudice, by the way,
01:12so outré out there,
01:14that Top Brass finally pulled the axe on the entire project.
01:20Tonight, Pilgrim, I entrust this episode to you,
01:24along with interviews from myself, my publisher, Dean Lerner,
01:27and the actor, Todd Rivers, who hasn't had a decent gig since Boone.
01:31These mini-seminars will help further elucidate and unravel the mysteries of Dark Place,
01:37so you have no excuse for not getting it.
01:40So, here it be.
01:42Uncut.
01:43Uncensored.
01:44Unbelievable.
01:46Unpalatable.
01:47And I sincerely hope you are disturbed.
01:50By the show.
01:51I'm Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.
02:13You're about to enter the world of my imagination.
02:16You are entering my dark place.
02:46I'm Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamweaver, dreamwe
03:46Hmm. Yeah, that's real good. Hmm. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's continue this outside in the bushes.
04:08What to do for your operation in five minutes?
04:11Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
04:12Come on.
04:23Well, let's get down to it right away. I'm feeling really horny.
04:26Yes. Let's make love right here on the mall.
04:30Hold on. What's that?
04:33Oh, that's just mist or fog. You'll forget all about it once you're into it.
04:36Oh, God! Oh, no! Jesus Christ! What the hell? Oh, no!
04:46A lot of people write to move. A lot of people write to protest. I write to chill.
05:02He had a very ambitious script. I said, Garth, this is a very ambitious script for the money we've got. Seeing as we've got no money, it's extremely ambitious. We were filming it in my garage. I had a big garage. But still, it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.
05:20Well, the thing about Dark Place is that it was a real turning point for me as a writer, because up until that point, I've been writing balls-to-the-wall horror. For this, I wanted them to kind of go, ooh.
05:30And I think that's one of the great strengths of the programme, is that it managed to bridge that gap between, ah, and ooh. Quite well.
05:43My name is Dr Rick Douglas, MD. It's 3am and it's misty. Too misty. And the weatherman had said, and I quote, more mist to come.
05:53And once you added that to the mist that was already here, you were looking at a whole mess of mist.
05:57I've been called out to the grounds of Dark Place. It was taking ages because of the mist, though.
06:03There was something about this mist.
06:06What? I hadn't the foggiest.
06:19What do you make of it, Dag?
06:21I'm going to level with you, Sanchez. I've never seen anything like this.
06:24In fact, I haven't got the foggiest idea.
06:33Great joke, Dag.
06:34Cheers. I thought of it in the car.
06:36Look, their faces are patterned.
06:38Good work, Liz.
06:43What is it, Rick?
06:51Corridge.
06:52Corridge.
06:54I think I know what did this.
06:58Scotch mist.
06:59Scotch mist, Dag.
07:00But what's scotch mist?
07:01One moment while I cross-fertilise the data.
07:06According to my printout, Scotch mist is an evil Highland force.
07:09The ghost of Scottish warriors trapped in foggy mist.
07:12Well, I'll be dead and rained on.
07:13Ever since Dag reopened the gates of hell last week, there's been a glass of fresh terror on the wing.
07:17But why would long-dead Scottish warriors trapped in a mist come so far south?
07:21To kill the queen and then destroy our way of life. That's what every Scotch man wants.
07:25You can't say that.
07:26Believe me, Liz, I know. I've met a lot of Scotch people. They want what we've got. Order, sobriety, hope. Everything Romford stands for. They're jealous of our continental eyes.
07:36Well, all I know is that I've got a hospital to run. You'd better do something and fast.
07:40Because I don't want to be sitting here this time tomorrow with mist up my crack. Do I make myself clear? Good. Now get...
07:46That's the phone.
07:49Hello? Speaking.
07:52I beg your pudding.
07:53And the same to you, too.
07:56Of all the nerve.
07:58Problem, Thornton.
07:59Someone's given my number out. Says I'm running a massage parlour. Now, who'd have pulled a stunt like that?
08:05I don't know, Thornton. Some people are animals.
08:07Well, if I catch the culprits, I'll string them up by their buster browns.
08:10Not if I catch the mongrel first.
08:12I just don't understand it.
08:14Why are you two still here? Scram!
08:16The mist rolled relentlessly round Dark Place, much like smoke or fog.
08:33We stood transfixed for what seemed like forever, but was probably nearer 20 minutes to half an hour.
08:40What is that sound?
08:43That's a bagpipe.
08:46Dad, it's Liz. She's having a vision.
08:50Go away.
08:52I didn't mind that you go.
08:53Please, be gone.
08:55Oh, my God.
08:56He must go.
09:02Thanks, Rick. I was hysterical.
09:04What is it?
09:05It's Jim.
09:06He's out there.
09:07We found out that the mist was poisonous when two techies died, yes.
09:18Now, I don't like to see anyone die, but if someone has to die, it might as well be a techie.
09:24Because another one comes along, it's the same belt, it's the same hammer in the tool belt.
09:31You can barely tell the difference.
09:33Keep your headbands on.
09:43That way we won't get lost.
09:45And use your fans sparingly.
09:47They eat through batteries, and if you're not careful, they can nick your fingers.
09:50Stay local.
09:51Just out of interest, Dag, what kind of batteries are you using?
10:01Powerzone turbo cells.
10:03Got a bag of them down home by market.
10:05One pound, thirty batteries.
10:07Hmm.
10:07Can I speak frankly?
10:08Of course.
10:09If you act like a cheap arsehole, expect the shittiest portion.
10:12Let me live my own life, Sanj.
10:14They're fine.
10:14Look, it's Jim.
10:19He's been struck by the mist.
10:20Though he's still alive, unbelievable as that seems.
10:30Quick, let's run into that outhouse.
10:32Just over there.
10:46Move your arse, Liz!
10:51You goddamn devil misty jocks.
10:54Listen to me.
10:55I am not prejudiced, all right?
10:57That is what I'm saying.
10:58I am not prejudiced.
10:59But Joe Public is.
11:02You probably are.
11:03You look like a dropout.
11:05Point being, I wrote this to heal Britain.
11:08Um, Scotch mist some thought was fairly racist.
11:13I didn't, to be honest.
11:15Um, thing is, I'd play anything.
11:18Uh, a Nazi.
11:20Anything at all.
11:21I never, I don't think I'd ever kiss another man.
11:25Um, you know, not even for the, you know, the big boys.
11:29Have you ever been to Scotland, Dag?
11:38Once.
11:40What was it like?
11:41I remember it much as one recalls a dream.
11:45Or a nightmare.
11:47I was on a budget flight to Norway when a storm hit and forced us to ditch in Glasgow Presswick.
11:54I was stranded.
11:55And it's so hilly up there you can't get any signal on your car phone.
11:59It looked bad.
12:01It looked like I was going to have to spend the night in Glasgow.
12:03Oh, Jesus Christ.
12:06The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it.
12:09I had no option.
12:10It was that or one of their B&Bs.
12:12I figured it'd be safer on the streets.
12:14For the first time ever, I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat, and it weren't pretty.
12:21I'd seen them huddling in stations before being loud, but this time I was surrounded.
12:27Everywhere I went, it felt like they were watching me.
12:30Fish-white flesh puckered by the highland breeze.
12:33Tight eyes peering out for fresh meat.
12:35Screechy, boo-soaked voices.
12:37Hollering out for a taxi to take them halfway up the road to the next all-night watering hole.
12:41A shatter of glass.
12:43A round of applause.
12:45A 16-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer.
12:49Bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes.
12:52I ain't never going back.
12:55Not never.
13:00My aunt lives in Scotland.
13:02She says it's quite nice.
13:03Well, she's wrong.
13:05Bloody things are cut out.
13:24Look, the mist is retreating.
13:26She's right, the mist is retreating.
13:31You're both right, it is retreating.
13:33Okay, you two get Jim back to the hospital.
13:36I'll cover you.
13:40Heroically, I let Sanch, Jim and Liz run back without me.
13:44In my private bones, I knew they'd be safe.
13:47This mist was out for one person only, and that person, me thought, was moi.
13:53I ran.
13:54Ran like my life depended on it.
13:57Which it did.
13:57As a writer, I make my own rules up.
14:20Okay?
14:20If I want to start a sentence with a full stop, I will.
14:23If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will, but I'll do it my way.
14:27And sometimes you actually have to be a bigot in order to bring down bigger bigots.
14:32At the end of the day, this is not just a horror show.
14:34This is a show about great original writing.
14:37Where the hell's Dagless?
14:38He should be back by now.
14:40We have to help him.
14:41No dice, Liz.
14:41We never make it.
14:42The batteries in these fans are spent.
14:44I think they were warped.
14:45That's what you get when you buy cheap batteries.
14:47Tell me about it.
14:48You try and make a safe, and yet economically, it's more sensible to buy from a reputable high
14:51street retailer.
14:52Not from some street corner fly-by-night with a suitcase.
14:54Exactly.
14:55Who knows?
14:55They may even be stolen.
14:57The initial price of a name battery is so much higher.
14:59I'm afraid they'll always be dear, Liz, but you're paying for reliability.
15:02I personally use rechargeable batteries.
15:04Couldn't use my charge last night, though, because I was up playing the keyboard till two.
15:08Well, we probably ought to check in with Reed.
15:09Maybe he has a supply of name batteries like Duracell or Ever Ready.
15:12Well, you'd hope so.
15:17I told you before, I don't do that kind of thing.
15:23Another one.
15:24As if I didn't have enough on my plate, what would this mist?
15:27And just listen to the answer phone.
15:29Hello, I'm calling about arranging a massage.
15:32I mean, I ask you.
15:35Take that last bit back.
15:37Rick!
15:37Rick!
15:38What happened?
15:39Shit happened, sweetheart.
15:41Come on, time's running out.
15:42What are you up to?
15:43I don't know yet.
15:44Slow it down, 26%.
15:45Shh, listen.
15:47Och.
15:49Cow.
15:50Da glass, man.
15:53What does it mean?
15:55I know man means man, but I don't think och means anything.
15:58It's me they want.
15:59And that's what they're going to get.
16:01But why you, Dag?
16:02I did a stupid thing on that night in Glasgow.
16:04I went into a chip shop and I ordered a cheeseburger.
16:06But that could have happened to anyone.
16:08Don't beat yourself up about it.
16:10Wait, Thornton, that's not all.
16:11I ordered this cheeseburger,
16:13but instead they put a frozen slab of meat in a deep fat fryer
16:16and served it to me in a tissue.
16:17I refused to pay.
16:20An argument ensued.
16:22And I said some very racist things about the Scotch
16:24and about how fat a lot of them were,
16:26probably on account of what they did to their burgers.
16:28That's why this mist is here.
16:30Revenge.
16:31I'm going to have to face them.
16:32I'm coming with you, Dag.
16:33No, you're not, Sanch.
16:34Fair enough.
16:35I've been running from the Scotch all my life.
16:37I'm going solo on this one.
16:38Man to Scotch man.
16:40Then take this.
16:41It's my flip knife.
16:43Thanks.
16:43And you might need this.
16:46Be careful with it.
16:48It's my mother's.
16:50And take this.
16:52What is it?
16:53Something that might come in handy.
16:57And Dag.
16:59Yeah?
17:00Put your trousers on.
17:03I've got to do it like this.
17:13I've got to do it like this.
17:43I've got to do it like this.
18:13I've got to do it like this.
18:43I've got to do it like this.
18:44I've got to do it like this.
19:00Please, accept this shortbread.
19:03I'm afraid I can't offer you any salt to go with that
19:25I know it's me you want
19:26Look I just want to apologise for what I did to your countryman
19:35You said some pretty nasty things
19:39Look didn't he get me wrong I'm a big fan of the Scotch people
19:43I love Lulu and if Taggart's on I'll tape it
19:46I was very tired that night and I was pissed off I was in Glasgow
19:49Colleagues of mine have since visited it during the day and they say they've had a cracking time
19:53I'm sorry I was wrong
19:56I see that now
19:57My life is yours
20:01You have showed courage and dignity
20:13You are a true Highlander
20:15Take these and remember us
20:18What about the hair?
20:39I'll grow out
20:40It was very, very cheap
20:49You like Scotch food, Liz? I know a little place we can go
20:56I know a little place you can go
20:57It's called to blazes
20:59Well done fellas and Liz
21:06I'm sure this will be Wonton congratulating us
21:10Hello?
21:11Beg your pudding
21:13No, for the last time that's not my bag
21:16What's wrong with you people?
21:18I mean I'm just trying to run a decent hospital
21:20And you people keep bothering me in the most rude manner imaginable
21:24Get out of the office, thank you
21:26You guys are so cruel
21:31I'm going to get out of here for a bit
21:34Grab some air
21:35Hang, Liz
21:36I wonder what brought them here, Liz?
21:44Was it Rick?
21:46Was it this hospital?
21:48Or was it both?
21:49Or all three?
22:09One mist had gone, but another mist remained
22:12A worst mist
22:14A mist that fogged men's minds
22:16The mist of misunderstanding
22:19Luckily, this mist was just a metaphor
22:22And wouldn't really affect things that much
22:24On a nearby rooftop
22:26A bird took flight
22:28But not even that could spoil this beautiful moment
22:32As rosy-fingered Dawn
22:34Cupped Romford in its hands
22:35And thumbed open the new day's crack
22:38I love Scotland
22:46You know, I'll take the high road
22:48I'll take the low road
22:49I think both are valid
22:50I once tried to open a string of gentlemen's clubs
22:53Near Fife, north of the border
22:55But they're just not ready
22:58Glasgow's been industrial for a while
23:00But in many ways it's still a third world country up there
23:02But they'd be the first to accept that
23:04Things are improving by degrees
23:06Today, if an Englishman meets a Scotchman
23:09Or vice versa
23:1050-50 they're going to get along
23:12And that's a very encouraging statistic
23:14To be continued...
23:18THE END
23:48In association with Dean Lerner
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