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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a British horror parody television series created by Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness.
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TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
00:30...to the recently extended sofa bed.
00:32Then a hell beast ate them.
00:37Welcome, friend.
00:39I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
00:41Although I also pen westerns and erotica...
00:43...to keep my oar in with other fields of literature.
00:45I've always loved the great tragedies.
00:48King Lear, The Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2.
00:51And when I wrote, directed and starred...
00:54...in Garth Marenghi's Dark Place...
00:55...I set out to continue that grand tradition.
00:58This Eve's Yarn is a simple tale of heartbreak.
01:01An eternal story of love and loss...
01:04...set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion.
01:07Though you don't actually find out it's abortive...
01:08...till the end of the show.
01:10It's my Romeo and Juliet.
01:12But less whiny.
01:13So, dear pilgrim...
01:17...I give you my hymn to the heart with horror...
01:20...along with interviews from myself...
01:22...my publisher Dean Lerner...
01:24...and the actor Todd Rivers.
01:25That way you won't have to think for yourselves...
01:27...which is probably safer.
01:29Hold it gently...
01:31...as you would still lover lying in a field...
01:33...nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree.
01:36Perhaps you're gently petting...
01:38...having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine...
01:41...and a selection of continental cheeses.
01:44Bon appƩtit.
01:44I'm Garth Marenghi.
02:01Author.
02:02Dreamweaver.
02:03Visionary.
02:04Plus actor.
02:07You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
02:11You are entering my dark place.
02:14You are entering your dark place.
02:16Imagine you...
02:17You are entering your dark place.
02:18It's a perfect place.
02:19Maybe my magic collective is at this beachŁŁ
.
02:21A winner is also entering your dark place.
02:23Now I
02:33think you have to use your dark place.
02:35One might love to enter the table.
02:36It's impossible for you to be in front of the bakery.
02:38You have to learn my dark place.
02:40You have to enter your dark place.
02:41This is my dinner as aćć£ conversation,
02:41as said,
02:42Oh, a moment.
03:10Nature calls, if you know what I mean.
03:11I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent.
03:31What is it?
03:35I forgot to flush!
03:36Oh!
03:44Get me Dr. Rick Douglas, M.D., now!
04:01Yes, I'll hold.
04:02The script to Shoggoth was based on an old sonnet sequence I wrote when I was 16.
04:15I'm a language junkie.
04:17That's my hit.
04:17I get off on language.
04:20I mean, you know, just to think of that poem by Wordsworth.
04:24I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on higher veils and hills, when all at once I saw a cloud, a host of gleaming daffodils.
04:33You know, and to think that there weren't even rhyming dictionaries around when Bill wrote that, it's very humbling.
04:39Garth is the most significant artist that I've ever worked with, and I've worked with Lulu and four other people.
04:44So, we're talking creme de la creme.
04:50My name is Dr. Rick Douglas, M.D.
04:56A woman turned green last night.
04:59The porter said he saw her breathe in a green gas.
05:01Could this be linked to the green cloud of gas that was directly over the hospital's ventilation shaft?
05:06I was cruising down to Ward B to find out.
05:10I'd stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift, a courtesy for which they'd yet to thank me.
05:15You're welcome.
05:23What the hell's the matter with you, Dad?
05:25Nothing.
05:30What are you doing for dinner tonight, Liz?
05:32Oh, um, nothing really. Why are you asking me out?
05:35No, no, no. Just trying to get some recipe ideas.
05:38Finding food a real bore at the moment.
05:40What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup, heat it up, poach an egg in it,
05:44serve that with a pork pie sausage roll.
05:46I'll get a wimpy.
05:48You're called, Dad.
05:50Liz, fancy egg in soup? I'm free this evening.
05:52No, I think I'll wash my hair.
05:54Okay.
05:55Plus, I've now got a headache.
05:56Sure, whatever.
05:58I'll put some sounds on. There's a bad atmosphere in here.
06:04Why won't she be mine?
06:05I wish I was more attractive like Dagless.
06:11Still, one can only dream.
06:14I'm a one-track lover
06:17Down a two-way lane
06:22Driving fast down the highway
06:25Must have been insane
06:29Cause the temperature's too high
06:34Traveling way too fast
06:37And I knew our lovin'
06:42Was too hot to last
06:46She's smooth
06:54Like ice
06:56Cold to the touch
06:56And it isn't very nice
06:57When you left
06:58Alone
06:59You let you treat you badly
07:00As you hang on the phone
07:01Take off
07:02Shove your lovin' on the wheel
07:03Put the pedal to the floor
07:04Cause you're heading for the hill
07:05You've got to get away
07:06You can't take it no more
07:07Man, you don't need this
07:09Leave with the door
07:09The door
07:10The door
07:10The door
07:11Sanch, open the door
07:12Open the door, Sanch
07:14Sanch
07:14Sorry, Thornton
07:18Bad dream
07:19Count yourself lucky
07:20Look at her
07:22It can happen
07:29Like that
07:30You can fall in love in an instant
07:31Todd's wonderful in this episode
07:34And there are scenes with him and me
07:35Where I think you're watching him
07:36As much as me
07:37Apparently she was in for a routine operation
07:43To have her toe shortened
07:44Which was really long
07:45Like a finger
07:46The next thing she knew
07:47This happened
07:47All in all
07:48She's a little of colour
07:50You shut your mouth, Liz
07:53No, you shut your mouth, Sanch
07:54That was funny
07:55If we lose our sense of humour
07:56In this place
07:56We might as well kill ourselves
07:58It's right, Sanch
07:58One of the main reasons
07:59I went into medicine
08:00Was for the laughs
08:01That and the pussy
08:02And that dried up ten years ago
08:03If you'll pardon the expression
08:04That may be so
08:05But there's no reason
08:06To mock this poor woman's condition
08:07Look, I'm going to stay with her
08:09Talk to her
08:10Help her
08:11It's called a bedside manner
08:12Heard of it
08:12Heard of yours, pal
08:13I've had it with you clowns
08:16He's acting like a jerk
08:18Come on, Liz
08:19Coffee's on me
08:20But coffee's free here
08:21Shh
08:23She don't know that
08:24I'll look after Liz
08:26You get this skin sample analysed
08:28And keep this dumb
08:29If Wonton gets wind of this
08:30My arse is grass
08:31And he's got a lawnmower
08:33You dig?
08:34Turn four
08:34Funny
08:42Hello, is that Gavin
08:48The hospital gas expert?
08:50Well, can you put Gavin on?
08:52Hi, Gavin
08:53Just a quick question
08:54To read that green gas
08:55In the sky last night
08:56Sorry, I thought you were going to speak
09:01Yeah
09:02Could the green gas have contained
09:03Cosmic fungi
09:04And or sent down spores?
09:06It could
09:07And those fungal spores
09:09Could infect a person
09:10Only if the person
09:11Had been left directly
09:13Next to an air vent
09:14Cheers, Gavin
09:16I owe you a beer
09:16Actually, you owe me one
09:18From before
09:18So we're quits
09:19Broccoli
09:27Broccoli
09:27She's turning into broccoli
09:31Mmm, something smells good
09:38It's egg and soup
09:39Mmm
09:40Here
09:41Let me cut up your pork pie
09:43Whoops
09:48Ah, you've spilt
09:50I'll get a nurse
09:52To have you out of that night dress
09:53I think I'd be more comfortable
09:55With, uh
09:55A doctor's touch
09:57As a horror writer
10:03There are certain words
10:05You don't use
10:05When you're writing a sex scene
10:07Balls
10:08Knickers
10:08Scrope
10:08Scrope
10:09It's not clever
10:10It's not sexy
10:11It's bad writing
10:12I read modern writers
10:14And it's
10:14Screw this
10:15He licked her
10:16She sucked that
10:17He bit the other
10:18You know
10:18Someone put it there
10:19And he held it
10:21It was at this frequency
10:22I mean
10:22Where's the sensuality?
10:23You know
10:24Where is
10:24Where's
10:25He glided in liquid smooth
10:27Where's her wispy mound?
10:29Where's her sacred V?
10:31Honeyed lining
10:31Her mossy cleft
10:32Look at that
10:35Makes you wonder
10:37What else is up there
10:38All our broccoli
10:40Must have come down
10:40From these skies
10:41Billions of years ago
10:42Over time
10:44It's evolved
10:44Become less aggressive
10:46Broccoli from space
10:48I wondered why
10:49It takes it odd
10:50This is serious
10:51Thornton
10:51Come on Dag
10:52That was funny
10:53You're right
10:54That was funny
10:55I'm just worried
10:56About Sanch
10:57How are we gonna tell him
10:58That this time tomorrow
10:59The girl he loves
11:00Will be a complete vegetable
11:01Broccoli
11:02I can cope with
11:03Constant bereavement
11:04He can't
11:06Most people can't
11:07That's not all
11:07Raiden Rick
11:08Isn't it?
11:09No
11:09Gavin the hospital
11:10Gas expert just called
11:11He handed me this
11:12Well according to this
11:14The broccoli sports
11:14Can be passed on
11:15During the act of
11:16Physical love making
11:17But if it's passed to Sanchez
11:18Half of Romford
11:18Could have it within the week
11:20If they have made love
11:20There is a 50% chance
11:22Sanchez has got it
11:23Well
11:23We're gonna have to hope
11:24Sanchez dipped his week
11:25Otherwise this could go nationwide
11:27There goes my
11:28Hypocritic oath
11:29Have you ever done that before?
11:32What?
11:32Making love?
11:33No
11:33I'm being with a patient
11:35Once or twice
11:36But they were dying
11:37It was their last wish
11:38But with you
11:39It was real
11:40I did it because
11:41You're different
11:42Plus
11:43I think I've got a thing
11:44For green women
11:45Hold me in your arms
11:46We don't even know each other's names
11:48Linda
11:49Dr Sanchez
11:51Oh
11:53What is it?
11:55I'm just so happy
11:56The cosmic spores of course
12:02Represented AIDS
12:03I have had such terrible experiences with that
12:09With the AIDS
12:11I've lost so many friends to that terrible disease
12:16My half-brother
12:17Who was such a promising dancer
12:20Very quietly
12:22Very peacefully
12:23Very peacefully
12:23He went
12:25And then
12:27Freddie went
12:29Back then
12:32No one would touch this subject
12:34You know
12:34It was us and Princess Di
12:36What's the matter
12:38You look like you've got the weight of the world
12:40On your shoulders
12:41If you catch my drift
12:42As it were
12:42Have you ever been in love
12:45Padre
12:46Only with the Holy Three
12:47It can make you feel like the king of the world
12:52Or
12:52A complete tool
12:54It's powerful stuff
12:55My best friend's woman's gonna die
12:59She's turning into broccoli
13:00Jesus Christi
13:02It's taking her over
13:03It's very infectious
13:04Padre
13:05And I fear the only way to stop this spreading
13:07Will be to boil her
13:08You
13:08Could
13:09Steam her
13:11How does one weigh the happiness of these two star-crossed lovers
13:14Romeo and Juliet
13:15Against the future of Romford
13:18You'll know what to do
13:19You're the most sensitive man I know
13:21And I know God
13:23Thanks for the advice
13:25I knew I'd be right
13:27Come on
13:28Come to Padre
13:29Embrace the infinite
13:31That's it
13:36That's it
13:37Oh
13:37Come on
13:40If you need me I'll be right here in the vestry
13:42If not I'll be out in the jeep
13:44Cheers Padre
13:46Stay holy
13:47Amen
13:48When I pray
13:50And sometimes I do
13:52I pray to myself
13:55I pray that I can pull myself through
14:00And if I'm lucky
14:02I answer myself
14:05Champagne or not
14:08It's about 395
14:09I'll make sure it's in the bucket
14:10I want to surprise Linda
14:12And now I'll have a double scotch
14:13And I imagine my good friend here will have the same
14:15She's a hell of a woman
14:16To Linda
14:18And her speedy recovery
14:19Yeah
14:20How can I tell him she's dying
14:22It'll tear him apart
14:24Sanj
14:26I just saw Linda
14:27She don't want to tell you that she doesn't love you
14:29And that you should forget anything ever happened
14:30Because it was meaningless
14:31I'm sorry buddy
14:32That's a goddamn lie
14:34You can't stand it can you Dak
14:36You can't stand it
14:37And this time
14:38I got the girl
14:39Don't walk away from me lover boy
14:42I suggest you remove your hand
14:43Or so help me god
14:44I'll knock you down
14:45You're gonna have to make me
14:47Okay buddy let's dance
14:50Jesus been in the gym
14:54Nice shot buddy
14:55Look I'll level with you
14:57Linda's dying
14:58She's turning into broccoli
14:59It's very contagious
15:00She must be boiled
15:01Boil Linda
15:02Over my dead body
15:04You bastard
15:05Okay
15:11Come on
15:13Come on
15:18Come on
15:23Come on
15:25On dirty track
15:27On my back
15:28Knock it off you two
15:33This is a hospital
15:34He's out of line
15:35I'm out of line
15:36He's out of line
15:36You're both out of line
15:38Now I'm not gonna stand here and dance for you
15:39I don't have to
15:40I wanna see both of you in my office five minutes ago
15:43So you'd best hurry up
15:46Look Sanch
15:54Look Sanch
15:54I know all about Linda
15:55And I'm sorry
15:56God knows I am
15:57But slapping Dag's ass about the shop
15:59Ain't gonna bring her back any
16:00Now if Dag thinks that the only way to contain this is to boil her
16:02Then I'm backing him 110%
16:04That means I could backtrack 10%
16:06And I'd still be completely behind him
16:08You have no idea what this fool's like old timer
16:11I've been there hombre
16:12When I heard my wife died
16:13I could barely finish my lunch
16:15But right now Dag and I are more worried about your downstairs area
16:18Sanch we know what's up with your meeting too
16:20I saw you and the gents
16:21Mild discomfort
16:22Nothing I can't handle
16:23Tell Reid what colour it is
16:24Olive green
16:25What of it
16:25Look we're gonna have to lop it off
16:27Otherwise it'll spread
16:28Now I've asked Reid to assist me in the operation
16:30That rusty general
16:31He's not been in surgery in 10 years
16:33I've had first hand experience
16:34I lost a ball in career
16:36Had to do the yacht myself
16:37That was one ball
16:38This is the whole nine yards
16:39No am I letting him near the old boy
16:41I'd offer you my own if I could
16:43But this is the only way
16:45It's the only way Sanch
16:46Otherwise it'll spread
16:48You're not getting my rob without a fight
16:50The next sequence in the show
16:53Alas is lost
16:54The pertaining can of film was destroyed
16:56In a drink related misadventure in Fulham
16:59It was an idiotic altercation
17:01Which I bitterly regret
17:03Both for personal and professional reasons
17:05However
17:07With the aid of some photographic stills
17:09Taken by the girlfriend of the time
17:11We have reconstructed the missing scenes
17:14With added narration
17:15From the available cast
17:17I hope that this does not
17:20Impair your enjoyment of the drama
17:23Sanchez lodges at Reid
17:25But is held down by Douglas
17:26Don't catch it
17:28Sanchez says
17:29Reid calls for back up
17:30And a general anaesthetic
17:31Is administered by a hospital orderly
17:32Meanwhile Linda's condition worsens
17:34Sanchez is rushed to surgery
17:36In a race against time
17:36To stop the infection spreading
17:38Reluctantly and with some difficulty
17:39Douglas and Reid remove the affected penis
17:41And leave Sanchez to recuperate
17:43However it is now too late for Linda
17:45Hello Linda
17:47You look better
17:51Do you feel you're getting better?
17:53Now I've run some tests
17:57And you're going to have a long sleep
17:59And then you're going to wake up again
18:01Right as rain
18:02And Sanchez will be with you
18:04And you'll have a great future together
18:07Sanchez would be here
18:09But he's out on his rounds
18:11Helping some crippled children right now
18:13Can't get him to shut up talking about you
18:16You found yourself a good man
18:19Guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world
18:23What's this?
18:32It's a dreamcatcher
18:33What's a dreamcatcher?
18:34It's like a wind chime
18:35Then why don't you say wind chime
18:36Thank you
18:38Sanchez will love this
18:40He loves wind
18:42And he loves the sound of tingling
18:44And he loves you
18:46She's gone
19:01She's all yours guys
19:09As Linda breathed her last green breath
19:12The cloud disappeared
19:14Much like the Scotch mist did last week
19:16And I went back to my humble doctor's duties
19:20Thanks for sleeping my life
19:23You're welcome little man
19:24He's a good kid
19:26You've got to keep him off the smack though
19:28Otherwise this will keep happening
19:29Maybe you should try and get a husband
19:31Get some stability in your life, okay?
19:36Excuse me
19:44Hey big guy
19:47Take it from Rick
19:50I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement
19:53Linda asked me to give you this
19:57What is it?
20:01It's a dreamcatcher
20:02What's a dreamcatcher?
20:05It's like a wind chime
20:06I think you should have it
20:08For saving my life
20:12Thanks, Sanchez
20:15Wait
20:20Thanks for that lift
20:25Don't mention it
20:28You don't want to see whoever is
20:33One more time
20:33I'm afraid
20:34Oh I love you
20:34I know
20:35You want to
20:36See if I can
20:37I sono
20:39I know
20:39That's why
20:41If I can
20:42I can
20:44You believe
20:45You're right
20:46Oh
20:47You're right
20:48In
20:50I don't know
20:51I don't know
20:51You're right
20:52But
20:53I have
20:53I don't know
20:54I don't know
20:54You're right
20:55Here
20:56You know
20:57The Broccoli had gone, but the hurt remained.
21:11For all of us, not just Sanchez.
21:14Dark Place was finding ways of getting to us from within.
21:17And what we had to fear most was ourselves.
21:20That and AIDS. If you want it, wear one.
21:22Sex, that is, not AIDS. No one wants AIDS.
21:24I guess I was going to have to look out for everyone.
21:28Not that I'd get any thanks.
21:48With this show, I wanted to make people laugh and cry.
21:52And shit themselves at the same time.
21:55I fear that we are seeing an end to the quality of television
21:58that you and I should be able to take for granted.
22:03We are seeing a dumbing down of television.
22:06I think we're living in dangerous times.
22:08The horror genre is in decline.
22:13Reading is in decline.
22:15Literacy, numeracy, the three L's are in decline.
22:19You and he were buddies, weren't you?
22:28Need I say more?
22:30Need I say more?
22:32We didn't know what it was going to achieve in the long run.
22:35We didn't know it would still be, you know, talked about these days.
22:38Garth's place in history is assured.
22:41His place in history is assured.
22:43As a horror writer, I don't ask for much.
22:46I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.
22:49I'm a one-track lover
22:54Down a two-way lane
22:58Driving fast down the highway
23:02Must have been insane
23:05Cause the temperature's too high
23:10Traveling way too fast
23:14And I knew our loving
23:18Was too high
23:20Garth Marenghi's Dark Place
23:22Is a Garth Marenghi production
23:24In association with Dean Lerner
23:25All of them
23:26You know, right?
23:26We have to go back to theŁŁŁ
23:27Michael
23:30And I wanted to go back in the conversation
23:31In association with Dean Lerner
23:321
23:33jar
23:34Of you
23:37A
23:39Do
23:42If
23:44Send
23:46Budget
23:46Truth
23:47It
23:48In association with
23:49Š»ŠµŠ½
23:50The
23:51And
23:52You
23:54Do
23:54You
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