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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:37What about the Irishman opening an antique shop, antique skulls?
00:42And this American walked in, he said, what have you got here, friend?
00:44He said, we've got antique skulls here, he says.
00:46He said, we've got Lord Nelson's skull.
00:48He said, I'll take that back to America with me.
00:51And he bought it, £10,000, Lord Nelson's skull.
00:54Came back 12 months later.
00:56So what have you got this year, friend?
00:57He said, I've got a little skull here, Lord Nelson's skull, a little skull.
01:01He said, he sold me that last year.
01:03He said, this is when I was a little lad.
01:11And what about this fellow who applied for this job?
01:16Because he saw this advertisement.
01:18I was going to say advertisement then.
01:21And he saw it and it said, Shepard wanted.
01:25But he didn't apply for it because his sister was out of work.
01:28So he told his sister.
01:29And his sister went and applied for a job for this Shepard.
01:32And she said, I've come for that job as Shepard on this sheep palm.
01:38But he said, I'm sorry, we don't employ girls because...
01:42And she said, well, I could do it as well as a man.
01:44He said, I'm sorry.
01:45But she said, well, why won't you employ me?
01:47And he said, well, we had a girl last time and she made a mess of it.
01:51So she said, well, who was that?
01:52He said, Bo Peep.
01:53Ah!
01:59The fellow went to the doctors and the doctor said to him, I've got some very good news for you.
02:02You'll be very pleased to hear that the operation on your ear has been a complete success.
02:06The fellow said, what?
02:12Hey, they were a bloke, you know, and they were a nice bloke.
02:14Ever such a nice fellow.
02:16And he went to the psychiatrist and says, come here, I want your old look.
02:20He said, what's the matter, my good man?
02:21He said, well, to tell the truth, I'm in love with us.
02:29He said, well, that's very interesting.
02:31He said, but you're not the first one.
02:34Well, he said, doctor, do you know, he said, when I see them big lovely eyes, beautiful legs, gorgeous ears.
02:43He said, I'm carried away with love.
02:48Well, he said, fair enough.
02:49He said, but he said, you must understand this.
02:53He said, is it a mare or a stallion?
02:56He said, don't be so insulting.
03:01He said, it's a mare, of course.
03:03You don't think I'm abnormal, do you?
03:08There was a chaff on the end of the line.
03:10He was stood there at the medical, because I never forget the medical.
03:12He was stood there with nothing on it except, what do you call those surgical belts?
03:15I said, what's the matter with you?
03:16He said, there's nothing wrong with me.
03:18When the M.O. sees me in my surgical belt, I'll get out instead of getting in.
03:22I said, are you sure?
03:23He said, love a go.
03:24So the M.O. came up, saw this fellow and his thing.
03:26He said, how long have you been wearing one of them?
03:28He said, three years, sir.
03:30He said, three years?
03:31He said, yes, sir.
03:32So he wrote M.E. on his card.
03:34He said, I see you put medically exempt on the card, sir.
03:36He said, medically exempt?
03:37Nothing, that's Middle East.
03:39He said, if you can wear one of those for three years upside down,
03:43you can ride a runny camel.
03:57Pakistan, he walks in the bank, he says, good morning, sir.
04:00He says, good morning.
04:01He said, what can I do for you, sir?
04:03He said, I want to cash a cheque, please.
04:05He said, sir, would you sign the back?
04:06He says, no, sir.
04:07He said, I want to sign the front like the Englishman.
04:09He said, no, you sign the back.
04:11He said, I want to sign the front like the Englishman,
04:13or I go in the bank across the road.
04:15He said, well, you've got to sign the back.
04:17He says, thank you very much.
04:18Walks in the bank across the road.
04:20Oh, behind the bank across the road.
04:21Like that.
04:22The bank manager.
04:27He says, good morning.
04:28He said, what do you want?
04:29He said, I want to cash a cheque, please.
04:31He said, well, sign the back.
04:32He said, I want to sign the front like the Englishman.
04:34He said, sign the back.
04:35He said, I want to sign the front.
04:36He said, sign the back.
04:40Now, get it, sir.
04:41I don't know you.
04:45So, he signed the back and they give her the money.
04:48We got her in the first bank again.
04:50He said, good morning, sir.
04:51Did you get that cheque, guys?
04:52He says, I got it cashed in the bank across the road.
04:55He said, do you sign the back?
04:56He said, I signed the back.
04:57He said, I told you you'd have to.
04:58He says, yes, but you didn't explain like the gentleman.
05:11And things are bad, aren't they?
05:13Everybody on the dole and the coal strike.
05:15Don't go to the Labour Exchange tomorrow.
05:17It's all ticket.
05:25The Lancashire lad went down the Labour Exchange.
05:27I've come for some dole.
05:28He said, we don't give you dole like that.
05:29Who do you think you are?
05:30He said, you're not a Pakistani, are you?
05:33He said, no, I'm not.
05:34He said, well, you're filiforming like everybody else.
05:36He said, questionnaire here to answer.
05:38If you have any money in the bank.
05:39He said, it's £385,000.
05:41He said, you're talking balmy.
05:42He said, well, you've started it.
05:50It's good, that, isn't it?
05:54What about this fellow that went to the doctors and he said,
05:56Doctor, he said, I think I'm a package of biscuits.
05:58He said, you what?
06:03He said, I think I'm a package of biscuits.
06:07He said, those square ones.
06:09He said, yeah.
06:12He said, with those little holes in.
06:14He said, yeah.
06:15He said, you must be crackers.
06:25I'm too good for this place, aren't I?
06:30What about that fellow that escaped from prison
06:33and this fellow saw him and he said, he said,
06:35he said, um, he said, um.
06:37Oh!
06:41Because he stuttered.
06:42He said, um.
06:44He said, what's the matter?
06:46He said, I just escaped from prison
06:48and I dug this hole and it took two years.
06:51And he said, well, what are you looking so miserable for?
06:53He said, well, I was only in for six more.
07:03I just come out with them, don't I?
07:09This boat was coming across some Ireland.
07:11All of a sudden somebody said, man overboard.
07:14So the captain looked over the bridge and he said, throw a boy.
07:20So this Irish fellow next to me picked up this six year old kid
07:22and he flung him in the seat.
07:25He said, no, you fool of court, boy.
07:27He said, well, let a time like this.
07:28How would you know which part of Ireland he came from?
07:38Actually, my next door neighbor's wife isn't very well
07:41and I was in the garden the south of noon
07:43and he was in his back garden doing a bit of carpentry.
07:45So I said, how's the wife?
07:46He said, she's not very well.
07:47I said, is that her coffin?
07:48He said, no, I'm just making a table for the kids.
07:57Two fellas climbing a mountain once said, don't look, don't look down, Pat.
08:01You'll get, you'll go queer.
08:04He said, you should have told me half an hour ago.
08:15Three fellas climbing mountains.
08:18One said, what do you do it for, old chap?
08:20He said, for the sheer enjoyment of it.
08:23What do you climb mountains for?
08:25He said, I do it for the, the, the, the, the, the, the competition, you know, the,
08:29just for the, the, you know, climbing enjoyment.
08:34He said, the Irish fella was the third one in his wellies.
08:38He said, what do you, why do you climb mountains?
08:40He said, climb it, I'm here to move it.
08:49Fellow walked into Woolworths.
08:51He said, I want some underwear.
08:54I said, certainly, would you like some, er, X fronts, Y fronts or R fronts?
09:03He said, what's our fronts?
09:04He said, try a pair.
09:05He put them on, he went, er.
09:12As a fella, he's, he's a little bit, you know, he's not, he's, well, you, cause, he's a little, he's
09:19thick.
09:21And he's going to work one day, he's going to work, his mate got hold of me, he said, look
09:24Bill, he said, I do think it's my prerogative to tell you.
09:26He said, we know we have a lark with you at work, innit?
09:28He said, but, your missus is having a lark.
09:32He said, a what?
09:36He said, a lark?
09:38He said, what do you mean a lark?
09:42Well, he said, he's, he's having a lark, a lark.
09:48He said, I know what you mean.
09:50Never went about work, he's rushed out, out of the factory, straight at home, rushed upstairs, six flight of stairs,
09:55burst open the kitchen door.
09:56As he's got in there, his wife's washing up.
09:58He said, all right, where is he?
10:01His wife said, what, what, look?
10:03He said, don't give me that.
10:05Where is he?
10:06The guy you're having a lark with.
10:08He said, what are you talking about?
10:09As he said that, he heard a car start up, six stories below, he's rushed to the window, he said,
10:14that's him!
10:15As he's said no more, he's bent down, got the refrigerator, lobbed the refrigerator right out the window.
10:20Straight with his car roof.
10:21As he's done that, his old woman's hit him over the head with a milk bottle.
10:23Kurt, Runch, wallop!
10:29He's woke up in hospital with an head like a Sikh, swerved in bandages it was.
10:34And as the mist is clear from his eyes, he looked across the wall, a bed across the wall there.
10:38And there was a fella laying there, from here to there, in bandages.
10:43He said, what's the matter with you, mate?
10:47Hey!
10:48He said, what's the matter with you?
10:50He said, I'll tell you what's the matter with me, mate.
10:53I'll come out of work early, see?
10:57And I got in my car, and I started it up, and as I started it up, some prune
11:13Lobbed the refrigerator out of a six-story window.
11:19He said, did he?
11:22What a prune, wasn't he?
11:23As he's riveted his eyes to the right, he's looked down the wall, down the bottom of the wall.
11:27Well, all you can see is he's completely encased in plaster.
11:30All you can see is his mouth and his eyes.
11:32He went, what's the matter with you, mate?
11:33I said, what's the matter with you?
11:37He said, you...
11:38You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
11:42He said, well, go on, mate.
11:43Might as well, we've got nothing else to do.
11:45He said, all right.
11:48All right.
11:50Here goes.
11:59I was sitting in this refrigerator, see?
12:03Let us know, everybody."
12:19Walk to our breakfast, see us.
12:21Thank you so much for וא�
13:53About a hundred years ago, a little fella went all the way to America, right into the
13:59west, and he went into a little western town.
14:02And he was only about five foot.
14:03And he had a pretty little pair of jeans on, a nice silk frilly shirt, a neckerchief, and
14:08a little blue hat.
14:09And he walked into this western town, and there was nobody about.
14:12And he said, where's all the cowboys going?
14:18And he said, where's all the cowboys?
14:19I mean, I've come all the way over here, and there's no cowboys.
14:25Where's the cowboys?
14:27And he went into the saloon, and he said, where's all the cowboys?
14:29Hello.
14:34There's the cowboys.
14:35And I went across to the livery stable, and he said, where's all the cowboys going then?
14:40And he said, where are they?
14:44And there was nobody about, and he walked up the main street, and he said, cowboys.
14:52Where are you all?
14:55And one fellow emerged, and he said, the cowboys are all out of town, hanging a pansy.
15:01He said, well, I guess I'll mosey down.
15:11Three Scotsmen in Aberdeen.
15:14It's a good place for a Scotsman to come from Aberdeen.
15:17And there they are, at the kirk, on a Sunday morning.
15:22And the vicar goes up.
15:25He says, good morning, brothers and sisters.
15:29This morning,
15:31before we start,
15:34I would like to ask you a question.
15:38Do you all believe in charity?
15:40And I said, oh, yes, we do.
15:44So very good, he said, because this morning
15:46I am passing the plate around,
15:48and I want everyone here this morning
15:50to place a pound in the collection box.
15:53And one of the Scotsmen fainted.
15:56And the other two carried him out.
16:06What do you call an Irishman who's got ten O-levels?
16:09A liar.
16:10What?
16:19I was having an awful lot of trouble getting.
16:21I had an awful row with the wife, you know,
16:22over a simple thing like hot water.
16:24I said, if I pay the bills
16:25and the kids want for nothing,
16:27and I ask for hot water in this house,
16:28you bloody will give me hot water when I ask you.
16:31Well, I told her straight.
16:32I wasn't going to waste dishes in cold water.
16:40I haven't spoke to my wife for 11 months.
16:42Didn't like to interrupt her.
16:47She talks through her nose, you know,
16:48her mouth's worn out.
16:52I bought her a Jaguar for Christmas.
16:53Very expensive, but I bit her leg off.
17:00It's the way I tell him, isn't it?
17:02I must tell you this one.
17:04Murphy says to Casey,
17:05do you want to buy a pair of boots?
17:06Seven and six.
17:07He said, thank you very much.
17:08There's the money.
17:09He said, there's the boots.
17:10He said, just a second.
17:11Those are two odd boots.
17:12He says, no, that's seven, that's six.
17:22There are the ways there are of making money,
17:24if you can only think of them first.
17:26There's a little Jewish fella
17:27who got a corner shop near us.
17:28He makes a lot of money,
17:29and he deserves to,
17:30because it's one of those shops.
17:31I bet you've got one near you.
17:32It's open on half-day closing,
17:34and it's open till 10 o'clock at night,
17:36and it's open on Sundays,
17:37and he sells everything.
17:38And a big supermarket opened
17:39across the road in opposition,
17:41and they wrote on the window,
17:42in that whitewash stuff,
17:44that you can rub out an altar
17:45when you're on your way home drunk.
17:51You've done it.
17:52You can work wonders with cooking fat.
18:03They wrote on the window,
18:05best butter, 35 pence a pound, you see.
18:09So the Jewish lad wrote on his window,
18:10best butter, 25 pence a pound.
18:12So the supermarket changed there,
18:14as to 24 pence.
18:15So he changed this to 14 pence.
18:17And this went on till best butter
18:18was tuppence a pound, you see.
18:21The manager from the supermarket came over.
18:24He said, are you Mr Cohen,
18:24who owns this shop?
18:25He says, yes, I am Mr Cohen.
18:27He said, well, can't we come to some arrangement
18:28about this butter, tuppence a pound?
18:31It's costing us 30 pence to buy it.
18:35Cohen says, I don't care.
18:36I don't sell butter.
18:46It's time to think of holidays now, though,
18:48isn't it?
18:48Getting on holidays.
18:49I went to Spain last year,
18:51a place called Costa Packet.
18:58It's dear, isn't it?
19:02Palomine went to one of them holiday camps.
19:04He had a grandta.
19:05You've been there on holiday camps.
19:06All these fellas in blazers,
19:08dashing about all day
19:08to make sure that you enjoy yourself.
19:10And same fellas dashing about all night
19:12to make sure that you don't enjoy yourself.
19:18They have all the competitions,
19:20don't they?
19:20Beauty queens and knobbly knees.
19:22They had one for the fellas.
19:23The fella with the most handsome physique,
19:25the fella with the muscles.
19:26The prize for that one was
19:28that the winner was allowed to take out
19:29the winner of the beauty contest
19:31every night for a whole year,
19:33all expenses paid.
19:34Well, all these fellas are lined up
19:36three and a half miles across the camp,
19:38you know,
19:39all showing off the body beautiful.
19:42Some smashing specimens,
19:43all except one little fella
19:44at the end of the line.
19:45I felt sorry for him.
19:46He was a thin, weedy,
19:51dissipated-looking bloke.
19:52He looked like a TV producer.
19:57He hadn't a chance.
19:58The judge told him.
19:59He said,
19:59I don't like telling you, old man,
20:00but this prize,
20:01this girl every night
20:01for a year business,
20:03you've no chance.
20:04He says,
20:04I know,
20:05but I'm last year's winner
20:06and I've got to defend me title.
20:15Good lad he is.
20:16The bloke run down the dock road
20:17in Liverpool
20:18and a policeman stopped him
20:19and said,
20:19what are you running for?
20:20He said,
20:20I'm having a race with this bloke
20:21behind me for a pint of bits.
20:23So the policeman let him go,
20:24you see.
20:25And the other bloke
20:26caught up at the policeman
20:26and said,
20:26what are you letting him go for?
20:27He said,
20:28he's having a race with you
20:28for a pint of bits.
20:30He said,
20:30I'm the landlord,
20:31he hasn't paid for the bloody thing yet.
20:40Fellow went to the pet shop
20:42and he said to the fellow
20:43behind the counter
20:43in the pet shop,
20:44he said,
20:44could I please have a bodgie
20:45that sings?
20:46And the fellow said,
20:47actually,
20:47he said,
20:47we've got a lovely bodgie here
20:48and he does sing.
20:50There you are,
20:50you can have that.
20:50So he took it home
20:51and he put it in his cage
20:52and he listened to this bodgie
20:53singing for a week
20:54and at the end of the week
20:55he looked in the cage
20:56and he noticed
20:57that this little bodgie
20:58only had one leg.
21:00So I'm not having that.
21:03So he took it back
21:04and he said,
21:05look at that.
21:06That bodgie
21:07you sold me
21:07has only got one leg
21:08and the fellow said,
21:09you want a singer,
21:10not a tap dancer.
21:18You know,
21:18regardless of how
21:19your people feel
21:20about these,
21:20some very,
21:21some very fine healing
21:22goes on in the world,
21:23doctors and nurses,
21:24but there's also
21:24another sort of healing
21:25and that's faith healing.
21:27Now whether you believe
21:27in this or not
21:28is completely immaterial,
21:30but can you imagine
21:31one of these
21:32American faith healers
21:33come over here
21:33and he's got an audience
21:34of 2,000 people
21:36in front of him
21:36and he walks out,
21:37doesn't he?
21:38Friends!
21:39Oh yes sir!
21:40We are gathered here
21:41today friends,
21:42not because of
21:42the morals of man's mind,
21:43but we are gathered
21:44here today because
21:45each and every one of us
21:46in this audience believe.
21:47We believe.
21:47Oh yes sir,
21:48we believe.
21:49Oh yes sir!
21:50And what we're going
21:50to do today friends,
21:52we're going to get
21:52anybody in the audience
21:53that has any impediment
21:55in the mind or the body,
21:56all you're going to do friends
21:57is step forward here
21:58because we are going to heal.
21:59We are going to heal.
22:00Hallelujah!
22:01We are going to heal.
22:02Friends,
22:03anybody at all,
22:04all of a sudden
22:04one fellow got up,
22:0595 years old
22:06on crutches.
22:07He said,
22:10Sir,
22:10what is your name?
22:10He said,
22:11my name is Davis,
22:12mate,
22:12Davis.
22:13He said,
22:13how long have you
22:13been like that sir?
22:14I've been like this
22:15about 90 years now,
22:17mate.
22:18Sir,
22:18do you believe?
22:19Do you have faith?
22:20And do you?
22:20He said,
22:20yes,
22:21I believe.
22:21He said,
22:22sir,
22:22we are going to heal
22:23friends,
22:23we are going to heal
22:24this person right now.
22:25Sir,
22:25go behind the screen,
22:27behind,
22:27ladies and gentlemen,
22:28behind the screen sir.
22:30Ladies and gentlemen,
22:30we have some
22:31behind the screen.
22:32Ladies and gentlemen,
22:34we are going to pray
22:34for this man
22:35and we are going to
22:35heal him.
22:36Anybody else and that,
22:37geezer gets up,
22:38he's got an empty mouth,
22:39haven't he?
22:39He said,
22:39yeah.
22:40He said,
22:42I want that done,
22:42don't I?
22:44He said,
22:44Sir,
22:45what is your name?
22:45He said,
22:46Smith,
22:46and it's Smith,
22:47my name,
22:47isn't it?
22:48He said,
22:49how long have you
22:49been like that,
22:50Mr Smith?
22:50He said,
22:50well,
22:50I've been like this
22:51since I was four years old
22:53and I'm getting out
22:53with it now
22:54because people keep
22:55blowing down my ear.
22:56I went like,
22:57there and I go
22:58and I keep like,
22:59putting right handers
23:00about and like,
23:00you know,
23:01do you believe,
23:03sir?
23:03Yeah,
23:03I believe.
23:04Sir,
23:04go behind,
23:05friends,
23:05go behind the screen,
23:07sir.
23:07Friends,
23:07we had,
23:07behind the screen,
23:09sir.
23:09Friends,
23:09we had two people here,
23:11a gentleman with bad legs
23:12on crutches
23:12and another man
23:13with a bad mouth.
23:14We are going to pray
23:15for these people
23:15and we are going to heal.
23:16God,
23:17we are going to heal.
23:18Friends,
23:18let us pray.
23:19Oh,
23:19yeah,
23:20oh,
23:20yeah.
23:20Here come the judge,
23:22Oh,
23:22friends,
23:22you're enough.
23:23We have healed.
23:24We have cured them.
23:26Sir,
23:26throw out your crutches.
23:28Meow,
23:28bang,
23:28meow,
23:29bang.
23:29Sir,
23:30say something.
23:31It's fall over.
23:44The comedians tonight
23:45were Bernard Manning,
23:48Ken Goodwin,
23:49Dave Butler,
23:51Charlie Williams,
23:52George Roper,
23:54Mike Reed,
23:56Tony Stewart,
23:58Frank Carson,
23:59and Colin Crompton.
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